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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,921
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:08,967
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:13,096
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,058
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,648
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:25,984
Ooh!
8
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,652
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
9
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:29,195
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
10
00:00:32,866 --> 00:00:34,242
{\an8}Okay, fine, fine.
11
00:00:34,242 --> 00:00:35,952
{\an8}I just can't believe
that Fast & Furious
12
00:00:35,952 --> 00:00:39,039
{\an8}is your favorite movie
of all time.
13
00:00:39,039 --> 00:00:40,874
Not Fast & Furious,
14
00:00:40,874 --> 00:00:43,376
{\an8}The Fast and the Furious.
15
00:00:43,376 --> 00:00:46,087
{\an8} Well, that's
a much better movie, Plungie.
16
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,590
{\an8}It's a text from Annie.
17
00:00:48,590 --> 00:00:50,091
Read it! Read it!
18
00:00:50,091 --> 00:00:53,136
{\an8} "I'm at the
office, and I need you so bad.
19
00:00:53,136 --> 00:00:56,890
{\an8}Meet me in the third stall
of the women's bathroom."
20
00:00:56,890 --> 00:00:59,059
{\an8} Whoa!
And they call me Plungie!
21
00:00:59,059 --> 00:01:00,977
Come on, man, that's my wife.
22
00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:04,647
{\an8}And I'm about to day-sex her
in an employee restroom!
23
00:01:04,647 --> 00:01:07,067
Whoa!
24
00:01:07,067 --> 00:01:09,778
{\an8}I don't like shampoo.
I like conditioner.
25
00:01:09,778 --> 00:01:12,655
{\an8}It's better.
Scata-doo-hoo!
26
00:01:12,655 --> 00:01:16,326
{\an8} You're right,
Billy Madison. It is better.
27
00:01:16,326 --> 00:01:18,370
{\an8}Hey, what's
with that Sandler dude?
28
00:01:18,370 --> 00:01:20,497
{\an8}Are we allowed to laugh at him?
29
00:01:20,497 --> 00:01:23,750
{\an8}And will "scata-doo-hoo"
be covered on the test?
30
00:01:23,750 --> 00:01:25,335
I think he's funny,
but I'd like to see
31
00:01:25,335 --> 00:01:26,920
him stretch his legs in a drama.
32
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,880
I thought we were gonna
be watching something
33
00:01:28,880 --> 00:01:30,340
about James Madison?
34
00:01:30,340 --> 00:01:31,675
I know, I know.
35
00:01:31,675 --> 00:01:33,635
The Redbox in my neighborhood
has a limited selection.
36
00:01:33,635 --> 00:01:34,761
Same thing happened
37
00:01:34,761 --> 00:01:36,846
with Abraham Lincoln:
Vampire Hunter.
38
00:01:36,846 --> 00:01:39,140
Attention--this is
Vice Principal Drummond.
39
00:01:39,140 --> 00:01:41,685
Students, faculty,
and unpaid lunch volunteers,
40
00:01:41,685 --> 00:01:44,437
report to the auditorium
for a mandatory assembly.
41
00:01:46,815 --> 00:01:48,817
I hope it's not
that drunk-driving guy again.
42
00:01:48,817 --> 00:01:51,403
- He's such a buzzkill.
- Mr. Mitch, aren't you coming?
43
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:54,489
In a bit. I got to grade
a few papers first.
44
00:02:00,912 --> 00:02:04,916
I grade these papers A-plus.
45
00:02:04,916 --> 00:02:06,209
Scata-doo-hoo.
46
00:02:09,921 --> 00:02:13,383
Okay, so Tammy was about
to get the last jelly doughnut,
47
00:02:13,383 --> 00:02:15,343
but I told her she sat in gum,
48
00:02:15,343 --> 00:02:16,970
and when she ran away humiliated,
49
00:02:16,970 --> 00:02:18,263
I snagged it for you.
50
00:02:18,263 --> 00:02:19,556
Mmm.
51
00:02:19,556 --> 00:02:22,350
It tastes so much sweeter
knowing Tammy can't have it.
52
00:02:22,350 --> 00:02:24,978
Did you know
she's a QAnon person?
53
00:02:24,978 --> 00:02:28,064
Honey, why aren't you
in the third stall?
54
00:02:28,064 --> 00:02:30,108
Because it's filled
with poop water.
55
00:02:30,108 --> 00:02:31,735
We've got a plumbing crisis.
56
00:02:31,735 --> 00:02:35,030
{\an8}Jack, are you wearing
your 007 sex tie?
57
00:02:35,030 --> 00:02:36,573
{\an8}Yeah, I thought
that's why she called me.
58
00:02:36,573 --> 00:02:39,868
{\an8}Wait, how do you know
about my intimate tie?
59
00:02:39,868 --> 00:02:42,078
Because it's Garrett.
I tell him everything.
60
00:02:42,078 --> 00:02:43,621
He's my work husband.
61
00:02:43,621 --> 00:02:45,123
"Work husband"?
62
00:02:45,123 --> 00:02:47,584
You've heard
the term "work husband," right?
63
00:02:47,584 --> 00:02:50,378
There's been, like,
100 BuzzFeed articles about it.
64
00:02:50,378 --> 00:02:52,213
"BuzzFeed"?
65
00:02:52,213 --> 00:02:54,799
Oh, Annie-Banannie,
you weren't kidding.
66
00:02:54,799 --> 00:02:57,135
He is cute when he's clueless.
67
00:02:57,135 --> 00:02:58,803
Jack, it's flooding!
68
00:02:58,803 --> 00:03:01,389
I know! That's why I put on
my sex tie.
69
00:03:01,389 --> 00:03:04,517
- Let's go!
- No, the bathroom is flooding!
70
00:03:04,517 --> 00:03:05,977
Please fix it!
71
00:03:05,977 --> 00:03:07,395
Mm.
72
00:03:07,395 --> 00:03:09,689
{\an8}So much for sex in the loo.
73
00:03:12,150 --> 00:03:15,111
So next time
you think it's cool
74
00:03:15,111 --> 00:03:18,865
to smoke your vapes up
on the school roof, remember,
75
00:03:18,865 --> 00:03:21,951
this is your head when you
fall off and hit the cement.
76
00:03:27,123 --> 00:03:29,376
Shut up! It's not ripe enough!
77
00:03:29,376 --> 00:03:32,629
Told ya! His hair's real
on top and fake on the sides.
78
00:03:32,629 --> 00:03:34,130
The man is side bald.
79
00:03:34,130 --> 00:03:36,466
Side bald!
80
00:03:38,134 --> 00:03:39,177
Who said that?
81
00:03:39,177 --> 00:03:41,471
Uh-oh.
He's got murder in his eyes.
82
00:03:41,471 --> 00:03:42,722
Keep poking him, Bex!
83
00:03:42,722 --> 00:03:46,976
Side bald!
84
00:03:50,647 --> 00:03:52,482
Damn, Yangzi was right.
85
00:03:52,482 --> 00:03:54,401
Drummond's side bald as hell.
86
00:03:54,401 --> 00:03:56,152
Ow!
87
00:03:56,152 --> 00:03:57,404
What did I do?
88
00:03:57,404 --> 00:04:01,241
Ugh, actual abuse, and it's
the one day I forgot my phone
89
00:04:01,241 --> 00:04:04,202
Okay, Mr. Drummond, be cool.
Hand the child to me.
90
00:04:04,202 --> 00:04:06,079
You got so much going on
for you.
91
00:04:06,079 --> 00:04:07,914
Hey, it's taco haystack
for lunch.
92
00:04:07,914 --> 00:04:09,624
You don't want to miss that.
93
00:04:09,624 --> 00:04:10,750
You're right.
94
00:04:10,750 --> 00:04:13,003
I'm sorry, Elizabex.
I'm so ashamed.
95
00:04:13,003 --> 00:04:15,171
That's okay.
Side bald!
96
00:04:15,171 --> 00:04:17,132
Okay, you're kissing
the floor, punk!
97
00:04:17,132 --> 00:04:18,299
Aah!
98
00:04:23,304 --> 00:04:24,848
Back in the day,
we could slap,
99
00:04:24,848 --> 00:04:26,850
paddle, and shake kids
all we wanted.
100
00:04:26,850 --> 00:04:29,227
Now even flicking the ear
of a passing student
101
00:04:29,227 --> 00:04:30,562
is lawsuit-worthy.
102
00:04:30,562 --> 00:04:32,480
That's why I need
to replace Side Bald
103
00:04:32,480 --> 00:04:35,608
with somebody who has
your naturally calm demeanor.
104
00:04:35,608 --> 00:04:37,402
Yes, naturally.
105
00:04:37,402 --> 00:04:39,279
No offense,
but isn't vice principal
106
00:04:39,279 --> 00:04:41,448
the worse version
of your terrible job?
107
00:04:41,448 --> 00:04:43,783
Yes, it is,
but there are perks,
108
00:04:43,783 --> 00:04:44,951
like this mini fridge.
109
00:04:44,951 --> 00:04:48,496
Whoa! That would be a great
place to stash my edibles--
110
00:04:48,496 --> 00:04:49,706
arrangements.
111
00:04:49,706 --> 00:04:52,042
Also, the vice principal's
parking space
112
00:04:52,042 --> 00:04:53,960
is much closer than yours.
113
00:04:56,546 --> 00:05:00,133
And the salary is triple
what you're currently making.
114
00:05:00,133 --> 00:05:01,593
Dang, with that kind of money,
115
00:05:01,593 --> 00:05:03,887
I wouldn't have to run out
of class to deliver Postmates.
116
00:05:03,887 --> 00:05:05,972
By the way,
here's your Jack in the Box.
117
00:05:05,972 --> 00:05:08,266
And me and my girl could
finally buy a town house--
118
00:05:08,266 --> 00:05:09,809
the mini fridge of houses.
119
00:05:09,809 --> 00:05:11,102
I'm in!
120
00:05:14,481 --> 00:05:16,441
Ain't that a bitch?
121
00:05:18,443 --> 00:05:20,487
So let me ask
you kids something.
122
00:05:20,487 --> 00:05:23,073
Have you ever heard
the term "work husband"?
123
00:05:23,073 --> 00:05:25,992
- Oh, you mean like Garrett?
- You know who Garrett is?
124
00:05:25,992 --> 00:05:27,494
He's our work daddy!
125
00:05:27,494 --> 00:05:30,163
I drew this picture of us
with Garrett.
126
00:05:30,163 --> 00:05:32,290
I just assumed
that stick man was me.
127
00:05:32,290 --> 00:05:33,917
No, don't you see his muscles?
128
00:05:33,917 --> 00:05:35,001
Hot damn!
129
00:05:35,001 --> 00:05:37,003
You've met Garrett before, Jack.
130
00:05:37,003 --> 00:05:39,589
I talk about him all the time,
and you never remember.
131
00:05:39,589 --> 00:05:42,759
Look at the tattoo on your arm.
132
00:05:42,759 --> 00:05:45,220
Okay, but it
just seems inappropriate
133
00:05:45,220 --> 00:05:47,597
that you're so close
to another man.
134
00:05:47,597 --> 00:05:51,768
A gay man who's happily married
to his husband, Bryce!
135
00:05:51,768 --> 00:05:53,436
I told you about him, too!
136
00:05:54,979 --> 00:05:57,273
Oh, there is nothing going on
with me and Garrett.
137
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:58,900
He's just a good listener.
138
00:05:58,900 --> 00:06:00,944
The most physical thing
we've ever done
139
00:06:00,944 --> 00:06:02,779
is the occasional back rub.
140
00:06:02,779 --> 00:06:04,614
"Occasional back rub"?
141
00:06:04,614 --> 00:06:06,991
You know, I could fool around
at work, but I don't.
142
00:06:06,991 --> 00:06:09,994
There's an entire genre of porno
based on my profession.
143
00:06:09,994 --> 00:06:12,497
Plumbers are number three
after cable guy and cabana boy.
144
00:06:12,497 --> 00:06:14,582
All righty, Jing,
show me your blanket fort
145
00:06:14,582 --> 00:06:15,792
I didn't want to see earlier.
146
00:06:15,792 --> 00:06:17,836
Okay, then tell me
what porno is.
147
00:06:17,836 --> 00:06:19,754
I can give you
a back rub right now,
148
00:06:19,754 --> 00:06:22,716
and I can do it
way better than him.
149
00:06:22,716 --> 00:06:23,967
Aah!
150
00:06:23,967 --> 00:06:26,261
Now my back is gonna smell
like truffles!
151
00:06:26,261 --> 00:06:28,304
Am I close
to that spot you like?
152
00:06:28,304 --> 00:06:30,348
Ah, hand cramp.
I swear this never happens.
153
00:06:30,348 --> 00:06:32,517
Can you massage my hands?
Never mind, I'll keep going.
154
00:06:32,517 --> 00:06:34,394
Come on, Jack!
155
00:06:34,394 --> 00:06:37,272
Oh, my God, Jack, you did it.
You hit the spot.
156
00:06:37,272 --> 00:06:38,481
You can stop now.
157
00:06:38,481 --> 00:06:40,025
Um, do you want to cuddle?
158
00:06:40,025 --> 00:06:41,860
No, that was so satisfying.
159
00:06:41,860 --> 00:06:44,779
I'm gonna go wash
the kids' gym clothes.
160
00:06:44,779 --> 00:06:46,698
Love you.
Good night.
161
00:06:48,700 --> 00:06:50,618
Hmm?
162
00:06:53,163 --> 00:06:54,456
Hello, Bryce?
163
00:06:54,456 --> 00:06:57,167
I have a tantalizing tidbit
to tell you
164
00:06:57,167 --> 00:07:00,712
{\an8}about your husband... Garrett.
165
00:07:00,712 --> 00:07:02,380
"A tidbit"?
Sounds important.
166
00:07:02,380 --> 00:07:03,548
I'll be right there.
167
00:07:03,548 --> 00:07:05,216
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're gonna make
168
00:07:05,216 --> 00:07:07,385
an emergency landing so I can
hear something tantalizing.
169
00:07:07,385 --> 00:07:10,472
Flight crew, prepare the cabin.
170
00:07:17,062 --> 00:07:19,189
Bryce, I take no joy
in telling you this,
171
00:07:19,189 --> 00:07:21,358
but my wife and your husband
are involved
172
00:07:21,358 --> 00:07:23,068
in a tawdry
workplace marriage.
173
00:07:23,068 --> 00:07:24,361
- That's it?
- Yep.
174
00:07:24,361 --> 00:07:25,987
It haunts your
every waking moment, right?
175
00:07:25,987 --> 00:07:27,989
I think it's nice
Garrett has a friend.
176
00:07:27,989 --> 00:07:30,200
Who wants a suffocating,
needy husband
177
00:07:30,200 --> 00:07:32,077
who gets all his validation
from his spouse?
178
00:07:32,077 --> 00:07:34,913
Annie is all I have, damn it!
She's my world!
179
00:07:34,913 --> 00:07:36,873
I got to flip something!
180
00:07:38,249 --> 00:07:41,086
Sir, we've told you--
the tables are bolted down.
181
00:07:41,086 --> 00:07:44,255
God, Jack, how many sangrias
did you have before I got here?
182
00:07:44,255 --> 00:07:46,508
Two pitchers, and I sucked
on the oranges.
183
00:07:46,508 --> 00:07:47,592
Help me.
184
00:07:47,592 --> 00:07:50,679
To be honest, I wish I had
someone fun at work to talk to.
185
00:07:50,679 --> 00:07:52,263
Don't you have a copilot?
186
00:07:52,263 --> 00:07:53,807
Pfft.
You try talking to Patrick.
187
00:07:53,807 --> 00:07:54,974
He's a brick wall.
188
00:07:54,974 --> 00:07:57,185
We saw a UFO.
He knows he saw it, too.
189
00:07:57,185 --> 00:07:58,812
But he would not corroborate.
190
00:07:58,812 --> 00:08:00,605
They waved at us.
It was right there.
191
00:08:00,605 --> 00:08:03,274
- I would've corroborated.
- I know you would, Jack.
192
00:08:03,274 --> 00:08:05,235
You seem
like a good corroborator.
193
00:08:05,235 --> 00:08:06,319
Oh, I am.
194
00:08:06,319 --> 00:08:09,906
You know, I once saw a UFO
after a Guns N' Roses concert.
195
00:08:09,906 --> 00:08:12,450
- You're a GNR fan, too?
- Hell, yeah!
196
00:08:12,450 --> 00:08:14,494
I crowd-surfed during
"November Rain,"
197
00:08:14,494 --> 00:08:16,079
and when people raised
their lighters,
198
00:08:16,079 --> 00:08:17,789
it singed off all my leg hair.
199
00:08:17,789 --> 00:08:19,708
I was at the show
where Slash threw his hat
200
00:08:19,708 --> 00:08:21,710
into the crowd and it landed
on a baby's head,
201
00:08:21,710 --> 00:08:24,629
and that baby grew up to be...
202
00:08:24,629 --> 00:08:27,340
Bryant Gumbel!
203
00:08:27,340 --> 00:08:28,717
Wait, that can't be right.
204
00:08:28,717 --> 00:08:31,386
Mm, I think Bryant Gumbel lied
in that interview.
205
00:08:31,386 --> 00:08:32,971
Oh, well,
how about we get some more
206
00:08:32,971 --> 00:08:35,306
♪ Sa-na-na-na-na-grias, grias? ♪
207
00:08:35,306 --> 00:08:36,683
- I'm sorry. What?
- I'm sorry.
208
00:08:36,683 --> 00:08:39,060
- Would you like more sangrias?
- I corroborate that!
209
00:08:42,856 --> 00:08:45,191
VP. Scata-doo-hoo.
210
00:08:48,445 --> 00:08:50,113
I feel bad that
Vice Principal Drummond
211
00:08:50,113 --> 00:08:51,865
lost his pension
and his wife left him,
212
00:08:51,865 --> 00:08:53,908
but it's nice
to see Mr. Mitch so happy.
213
00:08:53,908 --> 00:08:57,245
Yeah, look, he took his girl
to Buca di Beppo last night.
214
00:08:57,245 --> 00:08:58,663
Good God!
215
00:08:58,663 --> 00:09:00,999
That meatball's
the size of his head!
216
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:03,126
Your hilarious cruelty
to a public servant
217
00:09:03,126 --> 00:09:04,794
made all of this possible, Bex.
218
00:09:04,794 --> 00:09:07,422
And the great thing
about Mr. Mitch's promotion is,
219
00:09:07,422 --> 00:09:11,259
we're so tight with him, now
we can get away with anything.
220
00:09:11,259 --> 00:09:14,846
You mean like sneaking
off campus for lunch?
221
00:09:14,846 --> 00:09:16,431
To the Beppo!
222
00:09:18,725 --> 00:09:21,394
Next thing you know, Hulk Hogan
is tearing his shirt off
223
00:09:21,394 --> 00:09:22,979
and throwing the scraps
into the audience,
224
00:09:22,979 --> 00:09:24,522
and that's when I turned
to my dad and said,
225
00:09:24,522 --> 00:09:27,025
"Dad, I'm definitely,
definitely gay."
226
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:29,361
- And how did he handle it?
- He hugged me.
227
00:09:29,361 --> 00:09:31,404
Mm, what a WrestleMania.
228
00:09:31,404 --> 00:09:33,656
Hey, this was great
getting to know each other.
229
00:09:33,656 --> 00:09:35,992
Thanks for talking me down
about the Annie/Garrett thing.
230
00:09:35,992 --> 00:09:39,120
I owe your husband's work wife
a huge apology.
231
00:09:39,120 --> 00:09:40,538
Yeah, I had fun, too.
232
00:09:40,538 --> 00:09:42,791
I'm so glad
you ominously called me.
233
00:09:42,791 --> 00:09:45,210
Whoa, we've been talking
for hours.
234
00:09:45,210 --> 00:09:46,628
I got wheels up in 20.
235
00:09:48,004 --> 00:09:49,839
Kidding.
I haven't flown drunk in years.
236
00:09:53,802 --> 00:09:54,928
Wait a minute.
237
00:09:54,928 --> 00:09:58,014
I know that ain't the smell
of a big-ass Beppo meatball.
238
00:09:58,014 --> 00:10:01,184
You down with B.d.B.?
'Cause this linguini is bussin'.
239
00:10:01,184 --> 00:10:02,352
Sheesh!
240
00:10:02,352 --> 00:10:03,812
We snuck off campus.
241
00:10:03,812 --> 00:10:06,022
We didn't ask because we knew
you'd be cool with it.
242
00:10:06,022 --> 00:10:07,065
You're right, Duncan.
243
00:10:07,065 --> 00:10:09,943
As Mr. Mitch,
I'm totally cool with it.
244
00:10:09,943 --> 00:10:11,236
But as Vice Principal Mitch
245
00:10:11,236 --> 00:10:13,446
with a preapproved loan
for a town house,
246
00:10:13,446 --> 00:10:15,281
you got detention after school.
247
00:10:15,281 --> 00:10:16,324
- What?
- Sheesh!
248
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:17,367
Mamma mia!
249
00:10:17,367 --> 00:10:18,785
Even me?
250
00:10:18,785 --> 00:10:21,621
But detention's for losers
who are going nowhere in life.
251
00:10:21,621 --> 00:10:23,373
Sorry, guys.
I got a bright future.
252
00:10:23,373 --> 00:10:25,291
You heard Vice Principal Mitch.
253
00:10:25,291 --> 00:10:26,793
Detention, now.
254
00:10:28,044 --> 00:10:30,964
Great work
bagging these lunch dodgers.
255
00:10:30,964 --> 00:10:32,215
- This is for you.
- Thank you.
256
00:10:32,215 --> 00:10:34,217
This cup will be perfect
for my Fanta,
257
00:10:34,217 --> 00:10:35,635
the champagne of sodas--
258
00:10:35,635 --> 00:10:37,178
ice cold from my mini fridge.
259
00:10:37,178 --> 00:10:38,555
I need you to pee in it.
260
00:10:38,555 --> 00:10:40,890
School administrators
have random drug tests.
261
00:10:40,890 --> 00:10:42,517
Drug test?
Uh-oh.
262
00:10:42,517 --> 00:10:44,352
I mean, uh, oh.
263
00:10:44,352 --> 00:10:46,229
Is it possible
we could randomly schedule it
264
00:10:46,229 --> 00:10:49,149
for, say,
31 days from now?
265
00:10:49,149 --> 00:10:50,942
You're funny.
I'm attracted to you.
266
00:10:50,942 --> 00:10:52,736
Shouldn't have said that
as your superior.
267
00:10:52,736 --> 00:10:54,988
Just fill the cup.
Fill it good.
268
00:10:54,988 --> 00:10:56,656
Stop it, Veronica.
269
00:10:56,656 --> 00:10:58,324
Uh...
270
00:10:58,324 --> 00:10:59,659
Come on, Mitch.
271
00:10:59,659 --> 00:11:01,911
This job is a chance
to prove your character.
272
00:11:01,911 --> 00:11:03,913
Besides, maybe
you'll pass the drug test.
273
00:11:03,913 --> 00:11:05,540
Ah, who am I kidding?
274
00:11:05,540 --> 00:11:07,042
I once peed smoke.
275
00:11:07,042 --> 00:11:10,253
Looks like
ur-ine trouble.
276
00:11:10,253 --> 00:11:11,755
Urine. Ha.
277
00:11:11,755 --> 00:11:13,506
We have a prop-pee-sition.
278
00:11:13,506 --> 00:11:15,091
See, Duncan's
the only kid in school
279
00:11:15,091 --> 00:11:16,926
who's not on drugs
or highly medicated.
280
00:11:16,926 --> 00:11:18,261
He'll provide six ounces
281
00:11:18,261 --> 00:11:21,264
of his uncut, crystal-clear,
sweet, sweet tinkle.
282
00:11:21,264 --> 00:11:22,599
This is a four-ounce cup.
283
00:11:22,599 --> 00:11:24,684
What you do with the other
two ounces is up to you.
284
00:11:24,684 --> 00:11:26,519
But if you want
my liquid gold--
285
00:11:26,519 --> 00:11:28,730
urine--we want no detention,
286
00:11:28,730 --> 00:11:30,857
and we get
the keys to the school roof.
287
00:11:30,857 --> 00:11:33,026
Whoa, whoa, students
aren't allowed on the roof.
288
00:11:33,026 --> 00:11:35,445
Did you learn nothing
from that unripe watermelon?
289
00:11:35,445 --> 00:11:37,072
Don't care.
Want to party up there.
290
00:11:37,072 --> 00:11:39,199
This is Wolf, by the way.
I'm actually using the bathroom.
291
00:11:39,199 --> 00:11:40,325
Can't do it, kids.
292
00:11:40,325 --> 00:11:42,494
Like Billy Madison,
it's time for me to grow up.
293
00:11:42,494 --> 00:11:44,537
Besides,
this is blackmail and--
294
00:11:46,289 --> 00:11:47,665
It's next to a Whole Foods?
295
00:11:47,665 --> 00:11:49,084
Yeah, pee in the cup.
296
00:11:49,084 --> 00:11:50,293
There's one other thing--
297
00:11:50,293 --> 00:11:52,087
I want to wear your glasses
while I do it.
298
00:11:52,087 --> 00:11:55,006
- Yeah, no.
- Damn that's weird, Duncan!
299
00:11:55,006 --> 00:11:56,549
Fine.
300
00:11:58,551 --> 00:12:00,387
There's
three other stalls, dude.
301
00:12:02,389 --> 00:12:04,140
Jack, what are you doing here?
302
00:12:04,140 --> 00:12:07,143
What? A home husband can't
visit his home wife in her--
303
00:12:07,143 --> 00:12:08,812
her work house?
304
00:12:08,812 --> 00:12:12,148
An apology gift for you, milady.
305
00:12:12,148 --> 00:12:14,484
A gift card
from the grocery store?
306
00:12:14,484 --> 00:12:16,945
I wanted to buy you flowers,
but the idea of you going
307
00:12:16,945 --> 00:12:19,322
to the store and picking
them out felt sexier.
308
00:12:19,322 --> 00:12:21,491
And you get two times
the points on gas.
309
00:12:21,491 --> 00:12:23,410
Oh, that's so sweet, honey.
310
00:12:23,410 --> 00:12:26,579
We could get a little
plant sibling for Fernie.
311
00:12:26,579 --> 00:12:29,165
You two are raising
a fern together?
312
00:12:29,165 --> 00:12:32,085
Annie, I have begged you
to raise a fern with me.
313
00:12:32,085 --> 00:12:34,587
- No, you haven't.
- Well, I'm begging now!
314
00:12:34,587 --> 00:12:36,673
Come on, we're taking it home
and raising it as our own,
315
00:12:36,673 --> 00:12:37,966
and one day years from now,
316
00:12:37,966 --> 00:12:39,676
Garrett will try to reconnect
with Fernie,
317
00:12:39,676 --> 00:12:41,344
and she
won't even recognize him!
318
00:12:41,344 --> 00:12:43,513
Jack, put the plant down.
You're stressing me out.
319
00:12:43,513 --> 00:12:44,806
Come here, honey.
320
00:12:44,806 --> 00:12:46,516
You're wearing your shoulders
like earrings.
321
00:12:46,516 --> 00:12:48,935
Oh, and you've got more knots
than the Boy Scouts.
322
00:12:48,935 --> 00:12:51,855
For the last time, Jack--
Oh--
323
00:12:51,855 --> 00:12:54,357
You got nothing to--
Ohh--
324
00:12:54,357 --> 00:12:56,609
To be--
Oh, my God--
325
00:12:56,609 --> 00:12:59,654
Jealous about--
Wow, wow, wow, wow, wow.
326
00:12:59,654 --> 00:13:01,906
You two are sick!
327
00:13:01,906 --> 00:13:03,324
No. Sorry.
328
00:13:03,324 --> 00:13:05,076
That's the old lovably
unhinged Jack.
329
00:13:05,076 --> 00:13:06,536
We're in New Jack City now,
330
00:13:06,536 --> 00:13:08,246
where I'm mayor
and everything's cool.
331
00:13:08,246 --> 00:13:10,040
In fact, Garrett,
why don't you and Bryce
332
00:13:10,040 --> 00:13:13,001
come over tonight for
a little couples' hang-a-roo?
333
00:13:13,001 --> 00:13:15,378
Well, Jackiri-Daiquiri,
we'd love that.
334
00:13:15,378 --> 00:13:17,964
Ah, My two favorite boys
are getting along--
335
00:13:17,964 --> 00:13:20,258
my work-boy and my home-boy.
336
00:13:20,258 --> 00:13:22,844
This is just wonderful.
337
00:13:22,844 --> 00:13:25,680
Oh, it will be wonderful.
338
00:13:26,890 --> 00:13:29,309
Why does everyone
bolt their furniture down?
339
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:38,234
Whoa. If I had a house,
I could see it from here.
340
00:13:38,234 --> 00:13:41,821
Man, hanging out
on a hot asphalt-covered roof
341
00:13:41,821 --> 00:13:44,032
is even sweeter
than I thought it would be.
342
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:46,534
Hot dogs are ready!
343
00:13:47,869 --> 00:13:49,579
{\an8}This is the life--
344
00:13:49,579 --> 00:13:51,039
{\an8}good friends, dead birds,
345
00:13:51,039 --> 00:13:53,166
{\an8}and Vice Principal Mitch's
commandeered mini fridge.
346
00:13:53,166 --> 00:13:55,835
I could stay up here all night.
347
00:13:55,835 --> 00:13:57,545
Okay, a raindrop
just touched my hair.
348
00:13:57,545 --> 00:13:58,922
Let's get the hell out of here.
349
00:13:58,922 --> 00:14:03,468
Calm down. We can ride out
the sprinkle in the stairwell.
350
00:14:03,468 --> 00:14:04,552
Uh-oh.
351
00:14:07,639 --> 00:14:09,891
Your pee was a devil's bargain.
352
00:14:09,891 --> 00:14:11,601
This is the end!
353
00:14:11,601 --> 00:14:13,812
What? I'm gonna be right
354
00:14:13,812 --> 00:14:15,814
one of these times.
355
00:14:15,814 --> 00:14:18,441
Oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God...
356
00:14:18,441 --> 00:14:19,859
When's Garrett gonna get here?
357
00:14:19,859 --> 00:14:21,945
I can't wait
till Garrett gets here.
358
00:14:21,945 --> 00:14:23,613
He's probably picking up a pie.
359
00:14:23,613 --> 00:14:25,782
Garrett never
comes empty-handed.
360
00:14:25,782 --> 00:14:28,618
- He's been in our house?
- When did you get home?
361
00:14:28,618 --> 00:14:30,120
Three hours ago!
362
00:14:31,454 --> 00:14:32,706
Garrett!
363
00:14:32,706 --> 00:14:34,582
Harris family,
I want you to meet--
364
00:14:34,582 --> 00:14:37,460
B-B-Bryce Bryce baby!
365
00:14:37,460 --> 00:14:38,712
Sorry we're late.
366
00:14:38,712 --> 00:14:40,964
This guy insisted we stop
and get a pie.
367
00:14:40,964 --> 00:14:44,092
- That's so Garrett.
- Mm.
368
00:14:44,092 --> 00:14:46,469
I have a very special surprise
for everyone.
369
00:14:46,469 --> 00:14:49,055
The girls have prepared
a musical number.
370
00:14:49,055 --> 00:14:50,807
- Huh. Squish.
- Six...
371
00:14:50,807 --> 00:14:51,850
- Uh-uh!
- Cicero!
372
00:14:51,850 --> 00:14:53,184
Lipschitz!
373
00:14:53,184 --> 00:14:55,437
- ♪ He had it coming ♪
- Great stuff.
374
00:14:55,437 --> 00:14:58,148
Hey, you know
what'd be really fun?
375
00:14:58,148 --> 00:15:00,150
"Spouse of Cards"?
376
00:15:00,150 --> 00:15:02,027
The game that tells you
which player knows
377
00:15:02,027 --> 00:15:03,278
their spouse the best.
378
00:15:03,278 --> 00:15:04,612
Let's get started.
I'll go first.
379
00:15:04,612 --> 00:15:06,489
Who's your spouse's
first celebrity crush?
380
00:15:06,489 --> 00:15:08,616
- Take this one, Garrett.
- Oh, I should know this.
381
00:15:08,616 --> 00:15:11,161
The guy on the paper towels...
Brawny!
382
00:15:11,161 --> 00:15:13,830
He's hot,
but he wasn't my first.
383
00:15:13,830 --> 00:15:17,417
Actually,
it was Hulk Hogan, brother.
384
00:15:17,417 --> 00:15:19,336
How'd you know that, Jack?
385
00:15:19,336 --> 00:15:22,505
Me and Bryce go back
like four flats on a Cadillac.
386
00:15:22,505 --> 00:15:24,466
Well, who was
my first celebrity crush?
387
00:15:24,466 --> 00:15:26,176
I don't know.
Next question.
388
00:15:26,176 --> 00:15:29,929
Who would not corroborate
Bryce's UFO sighting?
389
00:15:29,929 --> 00:15:31,348
It says that on the card?
390
00:15:31,348 --> 00:15:33,099
Answer the question, Garrett.
391
00:15:33,099 --> 00:15:35,101
It's Patrick--
another point for me.
392
00:15:35,101 --> 00:15:37,312
Daddy's good at this game.
393
00:15:37,312 --> 00:15:39,564
It's an age-old story.
394
00:15:39,564 --> 00:15:42,734
A good man sells his integrity
for a cup of pee.
395
00:15:44,569 --> 00:15:46,321
Huh?
396
00:15:46,321 --> 00:15:48,531
My mini fridge!
397
00:15:48,531 --> 00:15:50,575
Mr. Mitch, help!
398
00:15:50,575 --> 00:15:52,994
No one warned us about the roof!
399
00:15:52,994 --> 00:15:55,038
Uh, I'll give you
all the pee you want!
400
00:15:55,038 --> 00:15:56,414
Cup your hands!
401
00:15:56,414 --> 00:15:58,875
Hold tight, kids!
I'm about to get high.
402
00:15:58,875 --> 00:16:01,586
Then I'm gonna climb
that cord and save you.
403
00:16:01,586 --> 00:16:03,922
Oh, hell, no.
404
00:16:03,922 --> 00:16:06,841
I'm coming up straight!
405
00:16:06,841 --> 00:16:09,052
Wrong again, Gare-bear!
406
00:16:09,052 --> 00:16:10,845
It was in seventh grade
at the Smithsonian,
407
00:16:10,845 --> 00:16:12,764
and Bryce was wearing his...
408
00:16:12,764 --> 00:16:15,058
Metallica T-shirt.
409
00:16:18,603 --> 00:16:22,357
Name the gift you gave to Bryce
that he loved the most.
410
00:16:22,357 --> 00:16:23,983
Simple--a personalized Cameo
411
00:16:23,983 --> 00:16:26,194
from the guy who played
Kevin on The Office.
412
00:16:26,194 --> 00:16:28,196
- He loved it.
- Yes, yes. That's correct.
413
00:16:28,196 --> 00:16:31,157
- Next question.
- Bryce, come on...
414
00:16:31,157 --> 00:16:32,992
Okay, I hated it.
415
00:16:32,992 --> 00:16:35,578
It started out nice,
but he just kept riffing.
416
00:16:35,578 --> 00:16:37,831
You told Jack that but not me?
417
00:16:37,831 --> 00:16:40,583
Oh, does that
hurt your feelings?
418
00:16:40,583 --> 00:16:42,210
Jack, this game is not,
419
00:16:42,210 --> 00:16:44,713
"A 'funnymoon'
we'll never forget."
420
00:16:44,713 --> 00:16:47,007
And we know you wrote
all those questions.
421
00:16:47,007 --> 00:16:48,883
- What's going on?
- What?
422
00:16:48,883 --> 00:16:51,761
It bothers you that Bryce
and I share everything?
423
00:16:51,761 --> 00:16:53,638
You're stressing me out, Annie.
424
00:16:53,638 --> 00:16:56,683
Bryce, why don't you come
over here and find my spot?
425
00:16:56,683 --> 00:16:59,269
- Uh, what?
- Should we be watching this?
426
00:16:59,269 --> 00:17:01,771
Absolutely not.
Pie me.
427
00:17:01,771 --> 00:17:03,440
It's starting to feel
like you used
428
00:17:03,440 --> 00:17:06,526
our nice afternoon together
to make a petty little point.
429
00:17:06,526 --> 00:17:09,237
Yes, Bryce gets it!
High five, Bryce!
430
00:17:11,948 --> 00:17:13,033
Wow, okay.
431
00:17:13,033 --> 00:17:15,035
I'm flying a red-eye
to Tulsa tonight.
432
00:17:15,035 --> 00:17:17,078
Let's go, Garrett.
Thank you for having us, Annie.
433
00:17:17,078 --> 00:17:18,455
Hell of a show, girls.
434
00:17:18,455 --> 00:17:20,248
Bye, Bryce!
See ya, man!
435
00:17:22,876 --> 00:17:25,462
Oh, my God, that was cooler
than the bus driver we had
436
00:17:25,462 --> 00:17:28,173
who talked about Bitcoin
the entire field trip.
437
00:17:28,173 --> 00:17:29,591
What the hell's going on?
438
00:17:29,591 --> 00:17:32,802
Uh, nothing.
Just chilling on the old ground.
439
00:17:32,802 --> 00:17:34,429
Look out!
440
00:17:34,429 --> 00:17:36,473
The Vice Principal mini fridge?
441
00:17:36,473 --> 00:17:39,059
Were you students on the roof?
How did you get up there?
442
00:17:39,059 --> 00:17:41,895
Promise not to shake us
and hold us upside down?
443
00:17:41,895 --> 00:17:43,313
No.
444
00:17:43,313 --> 00:17:44,606
I gave them the key.
445
00:17:44,606 --> 00:17:46,524
Mr. Mitch,
you don't have to do this.
446
00:17:46,524 --> 00:17:48,109
And I told them
to go up there.
447
00:17:48,109 --> 00:17:49,527
You really
don't have to do this.
448
00:17:49,527 --> 00:17:51,946
And I told 'em I'd kill 'em
if they didn't go up there.
449
00:17:51,946 --> 00:17:53,782
Yeah, okay, you're kind of
on your own here.
450
00:17:53,782 --> 00:17:56,368
Mr. Mitch, you are
no longer Vice Principal.
451
00:17:56,368 --> 00:17:58,203
The deer have
already been informed.
452
00:17:58,203 --> 00:17:59,537
Mmm.
453
00:17:59,537 --> 00:18:01,915
It's over, Veronica.
Let him go.
454
00:18:06,670 --> 00:18:08,463
Whoa. I can't believe
you covered for us
455
00:18:08,463 --> 00:18:10,423
after what jerks
these guys were to you.
456
00:18:10,423 --> 00:18:12,509
Nah, you kids were right
to blackmail me.
457
00:18:12,509 --> 00:18:14,511
It showed me the limitations
of my character.
458
00:18:14,511 --> 00:18:15,553
You know what?
459
00:18:15,553 --> 00:18:17,681
Now that I'm plain old
Mr. Mitch the teacher again,
460
00:18:17,681 --> 00:18:19,683
tomorrow let's watch a movie
that addresses
461
00:18:19,683 --> 00:18:22,268
the greatest battle
in military history--
462
00:18:22,268 --> 00:18:23,812
World War Z.
463
00:18:25,522 --> 00:18:28,149
Sorry you're not gonna get
that town house.
464
00:18:28,149 --> 00:18:29,401
I'm in escrow, baby.
465
00:18:29,401 --> 00:18:30,860
I'm the bank's problem now.
466
00:18:30,860 --> 00:18:34,864
Well, if my pee would help,
no strings attached.
467
00:18:34,864 --> 00:18:36,116
I don't understand.
468
00:18:36,116 --> 00:18:37,325
I put you in your place
469
00:18:37,325 --> 00:18:39,327
and drove a wedge
between a lovely couple.
470
00:18:39,327 --> 00:18:40,620
Why don't I feel better?
471
00:18:40,620 --> 00:18:42,330
Girls, let's help him out
472
00:18:42,330 --> 00:18:44,624
with our superior
emotional intelligence.
473
00:18:44,624 --> 00:18:47,043
No, I can get it. Uh...
474
00:18:47,043 --> 00:18:48,545
All right, just tell me.
475
00:18:48,545 --> 00:18:50,755
I know you think
you were jealous of Garrett,
476
00:18:50,755 --> 00:18:53,133
but you were really just jealous
of our friendship,
477
00:18:53,133 --> 00:18:55,301
because, well, frankly...
478
00:18:55,301 --> 00:18:58,096
- You don't have any friends!
- I have friends.
479
00:18:58,096 --> 00:19:01,975
There's you guys, Duncan,
this dude Plungie from work.
480
00:19:01,975 --> 00:19:04,561
You need someone
who shares your interests,
481
00:19:04,561 --> 00:19:06,271
not just tolerates them,
482
00:19:06,271 --> 00:19:09,983
someone who'll go back-to-back
with you and shred air guitars.
483
00:19:09,983 --> 00:19:12,736
Oh, my God, it was Bryce
all along, wasn't it?
484
00:19:12,736 --> 00:19:14,070
Go to him, Jack.
485
00:19:14,070 --> 00:19:17,741
But he's on a plane for Tulsa
that leaves in 12 minutes!
486
00:19:17,741 --> 00:19:19,242
Then you'd better haul ass!
487
00:19:19,242 --> 00:19:22,287
- Why do you have my car keys?
- Go! Go! Go!
488
00:19:24,706 --> 00:19:26,458
♪ We belong to the light ♪
489
00:19:26,458 --> 00:19:29,586
♪ We belong to the thunder ♪
490
00:19:31,171 --> 00:19:33,840
♪ We belong to the sound
of the words ♪
491
00:19:33,840 --> 00:19:35,800
♪ We've both fallen under ♪
492
00:19:38,094 --> 00:19:42,182
♪ Whatever we deny or embrace
for worse or for better ♪
493
00:19:42,182 --> 00:19:43,558
No, wait!
494
00:19:43,558 --> 00:19:45,560
Sir, you can't get
on that plane!
495
00:19:45,560 --> 00:19:47,395
But I have to tell my wife's
work husband's husband
496
00:19:47,395 --> 00:19:48,730
how I really feel!
497
00:19:48,730 --> 00:19:50,440
Why the hell didn't you say so?
498
00:19:50,440 --> 00:19:52,692
♪ We belong ♪
499
00:19:52,692 --> 00:19:55,236
Bryce, before you fly to Tulsa
500
00:19:55,236 --> 00:19:57,197
and then back later today,
I need to say something.
501
00:19:57,197 --> 00:19:58,823
Jack, they're doing
the flashlight thingy,
502
00:19:58,823 --> 00:20:00,492
so I got to go.
503
00:20:00,492 --> 00:20:02,786
All I wanted to do
was spite my wife
504
00:20:02,786 --> 00:20:04,162
and your stupid husband,
505
00:20:04,162 --> 00:20:07,082
but somewhere along the way,
I fell for you.
506
00:20:07,082 --> 00:20:10,669
Bryce, will you be
my guy-friend?
507
00:20:11,920 --> 00:20:13,254
Sure.
508
00:20:13,254 --> 00:20:14,589
He said "sure"!
509
00:20:15,757 --> 00:20:17,634
So when do you want to hang?
510
00:20:17,634 --> 00:20:21,179
- Have you ever been to Tulsa?
- Damn it, you rock.
511
00:20:24,349 --> 00:20:25,934
Patrick, scoot over,
512
00:20:25,934 --> 00:20:29,020
and next time you see an alien,
you corroborate!
513
00:20:30,689 --> 00:20:33,400
So, Bryce, want
to back-to-back guitar shred?
514
00:20:33,400 --> 00:20:35,735
Well, I should be flying
the plane, but...
515
00:20:38,238 --> 00:20:39,823
Hold on.
516
00:20:39,823 --> 00:20:41,491
I can steer with my foot.
517
00:20:47,288 --> 00:20:49,040
Where is the weirdest place
518
00:20:49,040 --> 00:20:51,126
you've ever made whoopee?
519
00:20:51,126 --> 00:20:52,460
On the high-school roof.
520
00:20:52,460 --> 00:20:54,796
- Whoopee means sex.
- Oh, then never mind.
521
00:20:54,796 --> 00:20:56,339
What did you
think whoopee meant?
522
00:20:56,339 --> 00:20:59,134
I don't know, but I buried mine
under a pile of leaves.
523
00:20:59,134 --> 00:21:00,385
Okay, we gave it a shot.
524
00:21:00,385 --> 00:21:01,970
Let's do something
more family friendly.
525
00:21:01,970 --> 00:21:03,638
{\an8}Five, six, seven, eight.
526
00:21:03,638 --> 00:21:05,682
♪ If you'd have been there ♪
527
00:21:05,682 --> 00:21:07,183
{\an8}♪ If you'd have seen it ♪
528
00:21:07,183 --> 00:21:10,895
{\an8}♪ I bet ya
you would have done the same ♪
529
00:21:10,895 --> 00:21:12,063
{\an8}So I said to him,
530
00:21:12,063 --> 00:21:15,191
{\an8}"You pop that gum
one more time..."
531
00:21:15,191 --> 00:21:16,818
{\an8}And he did.
532
00:21:16,818 --> 00:21:21,489
{\an8}So I shot off two warning shots
into his head.
533
00:21:21,489 --> 00:21:25,285
{\an8}♪ He had it coming,
he had it coming ♪
534
00:21:25,285 --> 00:21:27,495
{\an8}Oh, cool, a show!
535
00:21:27,495 --> 00:21:29,080
{\an8}♪ If you had seen it ♪
536
00:21:29,080 --> 00:21:32,292
{\an8}They won't notice a few fries.
537
00:21:37,130 --> 00:21:38,298
{\an8}Captioned by Captionmax
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