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1
00:00:01,418 --> 00:00:04,921
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
2
00:00:04,921 --> 00:00:08,967
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
3
00:00:08,967 --> 00:00:13,096
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
4
00:00:13,096 --> 00:00:17,058
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
5
00:00:17,058 --> 00:00:21,521
♪ Boo, boo, boo, boo ♪
6
00:00:21,521 --> 00:00:23,648
♪ Boo, boo,
boo, boo ♪
7
00:00:24,691 --> 00:00:25,984
Ooh!
8
00:00:25,984 --> 00:00:27,652
- Mommy!
- Aaaaaaah!
9
00:00:27,652 --> 00:00:29,195
- Duncan!
- Duncan!
10
00:00:32,532 --> 00:00:35,910
Come to me.
Give me the good stuff, Daddy.
11
00:00:37,037 --> 00:00:38,955
You're mine!
12
00:00:39,998 --> 00:00:41,207
Please, I have children!
13
00:00:42,208 --> 00:00:43,710
The value pack is here!
14
00:00:43,710 --> 00:00:45,128
{\an8}The value pack is here!
15
00:00:45,128 --> 00:00:47,297
{\an8}If I'm like that at 40,
shoot me.
16
00:00:47,297 --> 00:00:48,923
{\an8}You got it.
17
00:00:48,923 --> 00:00:51,468
{\an8}Duct cleaning,
carpet steaming...
18
00:00:51,468 --> 00:00:53,303
Cheese on pie,
19
00:00:53,303 --> 00:00:55,889
{\an8}the Tollman's Semi-Annual
Boys' Pants Sale.
20
00:00:55,889 --> 00:00:58,308
{\an8}No way you're getting Duncan
to go shopping.
21
00:00:58,308 --> 00:00:59,934
{\an8}Last time you tried
to take him to buy socks,
22
00:00:59,934 --> 00:01:00,977
{\an8}he bit you.
23
00:01:00,977 --> 00:01:02,979
{\an8}It still hurts when it rains.
24
00:01:02,979 --> 00:01:05,982
{\an8}But this time, I have a plan.
Duncan!
25
00:01:05,982 --> 00:01:08,735
{\an8}Ugh, what?
I talked to you yesterday.
26
00:01:08,735 --> 00:01:10,612
{\an8}Dunkie, how would you like
to go shopping
27
00:01:10,612 --> 00:01:13,406
{\an8}for that Cyclops visor
you've been wanting?
28
00:01:13,406 --> 00:01:15,742
{\an8}The one that makes lasers
shoot out of your eyes.
29
00:01:15,742 --> 00:01:19,329
{\an8}Ugh, the visor doesn't make
lasers shoot out of your eyes.
30
00:01:19,329 --> 00:01:22,165
{\an8}It regulates the lasers
that shoot out of your eyes
31
00:01:22,165 --> 00:01:24,292
{\an8}due to a genetic mutation,
but yeah,
32
00:01:24,292 --> 00:01:25,669
{\an8}that sounds great.
Thanks, Mommy.
33
00:01:26,920 --> 00:01:28,588
{\an8}I bite her all the time,
34
00:01:28,588 --> 00:01:30,840
{\an8}and she doesn't
take me anywhere.
35
00:01:35,053 --> 00:01:36,805
{\an8}So in order
to shoot optic beams,
36
00:01:36,805 --> 00:01:38,640
{\an8}I will need to mutate my eyes.
37
00:01:38,640 --> 00:01:40,392
Don't freak out.
It won't cost money.
38
00:01:40,392 --> 00:01:42,227
I can just stare into the sun
more than normal.
39
00:01:42,227 --> 00:01:43,895
Uh-huh, that's nice, Dunkie.
40
00:01:43,895 --> 00:01:45,897
Mom, no, where are we going?
41
00:01:45,897 --> 00:01:48,400
You said we were having lunch
at Hooters!
42
00:01:48,400 --> 00:01:51,403
Hey, this isn't
the Doja Cat concert!
43
00:01:51,403 --> 00:01:53,196
Wait, something's not right.
44
00:01:53,196 --> 00:01:56,991
No, no, tell me more
about those laser eyes.
45
00:01:58,785 --> 00:02:00,620
No, traitor!
46
00:02:01,663 --> 00:02:04,290
Not this year, boyo.
47
00:02:04,290 --> 00:02:06,710
Come on, sun,
activate eye lasers!
48
00:02:06,710 --> 00:02:09,045
Oh, my eyes!
49
00:02:11,047 --> 00:02:13,717
Excuse me, spunky sales gal,
50
00:02:13,717 --> 00:02:16,886
would you measure
my growing son's inseam?
51
00:02:16,886 --> 00:02:19,472
Okay, sweetie,
hop up on my pedestal.
52
00:02:19,472 --> 00:02:21,099
Let's see how long it is.
53
00:02:21,099 --> 00:02:22,809
Mom, why are you
watching this?
54
00:02:22,809 --> 00:02:24,227
Turn around.
55
00:02:24,227 --> 00:02:26,104
He's gotten to be a big boy,
hasn't he?
56
00:02:26,104 --> 00:02:27,522
He just had a spurt.
57
00:02:27,522 --> 00:02:29,733
Teenage boys
and their spurts.
58
00:02:29,733 --> 00:02:31,651
Oh, my God,
please stop saying "spurt."
59
00:02:31,651 --> 00:02:33,486
Okay, Dunkie,
go try these on.
60
00:02:34,988 --> 00:02:36,448
I'm so sorry about him.
61
00:02:36,448 --> 00:02:38,575
He's actually
much better than last year.
62
00:02:38,575 --> 00:02:40,118
Thank you
for dropping the charges.
63
00:02:41,911 --> 00:02:43,413
How do they fit?
64
00:02:43,413 --> 00:02:44,873
Great. Let's go.
65
00:02:44,873 --> 00:02:46,416
Let me see.
66
00:02:46,416 --> 00:02:48,168
You haven't even tried them on!
67
00:02:48,168 --> 00:02:49,794
I'm not taking
my clothes off.
68
00:02:49,794 --> 00:02:51,796
Everyone knows this place
posts videos
69
00:02:51,796 --> 00:02:54,507
on German websites for pervs!
70
00:02:54,507 --> 00:02:56,760
Tell you what,
just try these pants on,
71
00:02:56,760 --> 00:02:59,387
and I'll get you
that "born to die" tattoo
72
00:02:59,387 --> 00:03:00,430
you've always wanted.
73
00:03:00,430 --> 00:03:02,098
I know
you're tricking me again,
74
00:03:02,098 --> 00:03:03,266
but on the offhand chance
you're not,
75
00:03:03,266 --> 00:03:04,559
I'll do it.
76
00:03:06,102 --> 00:03:07,103
Ugh.
77
00:03:08,271 --> 00:03:10,982
Four comforters,
slightly damaged luggage,
78
00:03:10,982 --> 00:03:14,069
and a conversation about
the cashier's foot surgery?
79
00:03:14,069 --> 00:03:15,737
What a great day.
80
00:03:15,737 --> 00:03:18,073
Oh, my God,
I forgot to use my coupon.
81
00:03:18,073 --> 00:03:20,575
That's the only reason we came.
82
00:03:20,575 --> 00:03:23,244
Isn't that funny?
Duncan, did you hear me?
83
00:03:23,244 --> 00:03:25,413
Duncan, about the coupon?
84
00:03:25,413 --> 00:03:26,498
Be right back.
85
00:03:32,087 --> 00:03:33,630
Ugh!
86
00:03:33,630 --> 00:03:35,048
Wha?
87
00:03:35,048 --> 00:03:37,175
{\an8}Whoa, is that a knife?
88
00:03:38,843 --> 00:03:41,721
Damascus steel
with a mother of pearl handle,
89
00:03:41,721 --> 00:03:43,973
embossed with a Celtic symbol.
90
00:03:44,933 --> 00:03:45,934
Oh.
91
00:03:46,976 --> 00:03:50,563
Awesome!
Today I become a man.
92
00:03:50,563 --> 00:03:53,983
I'm glad I ran back in
'cause briefs are on sale.
93
00:03:53,983 --> 00:03:55,985
Here, I'll hold the towel.
You can try 'em on.
94
00:03:57,278 --> 00:03:59,114
Ah!
95
00:03:59,114 --> 00:04:00,407
Ah!
96
00:04:00,407 --> 00:04:02,450
Oh!
Ah!
97
00:04:02,450 --> 00:04:03,702
I don't know
what sex feels like,
98
00:04:03,702 --> 00:04:04,994
but it can't feel
as good as this.
99
00:04:06,329 --> 00:04:08,665
Dunkie, do you know anything
about the 24 holes
100
00:04:08,665 --> 00:04:10,083
in this couch cushion?
101
00:04:10,083 --> 00:04:12,627
Or "Duncan Rulz" being carved
into the toilet seat?
102
00:04:12,627 --> 00:04:14,546
Clearly the work of Jing.
Get out.
103
00:04:14,546 --> 00:04:16,381
Our son is armed, Jack.
104
00:04:16,381 --> 00:04:18,258
- He's got a knife.
- Calm down.
105
00:04:18,258 --> 00:04:20,802
I know how to handle a knife.
106
00:04:20,802 --> 00:04:21,970
See?
107
00:04:21,970 --> 00:04:24,347
Your precious furniture
is fine.
108
00:04:24,347 --> 00:04:25,557
Give me that!
109
00:04:25,557 --> 00:04:27,434
You'll kill yourself
and everyone around you!
110
00:04:27,434 --> 00:04:29,352
I'm tired of you
treating me like a baby.
111
00:04:29,352 --> 00:04:31,396
I've got hair
in five new places.
112
00:04:31,396 --> 00:04:33,023
Number three will shock you.
113
00:04:33,023 --> 00:04:35,567
You know, Annie, I did
get a knife when I was his age
114
00:04:35,567 --> 00:04:36,693
in Boy Scouts.
115
00:04:36,693 --> 00:04:38,737
It was a good way
to learn responsibility.
116
00:04:38,737 --> 00:04:41,406
Yeah, I can use the knife
to help around the house,
117
00:04:41,406 --> 00:04:44,075
chopping carrots,
gutting mackerel,
118
00:04:44,075 --> 00:04:46,828
defending our home
during the Purge.
119
00:04:46,828 --> 00:04:48,329
Please!
120
00:04:48,329 --> 00:04:50,707
Duncan and I fighting
back-to-back in a purge,
121
00:04:50,707 --> 00:04:52,083
I could use the help, honey.
122
00:04:52,083 --> 00:04:54,377
New hair in five places, huh?
123
00:04:54,377 --> 00:04:56,796
Well, maybe I do need
to let you grow up a little,
124
00:04:56,796 --> 00:04:58,673
my fuzzy, little wuzzy--
125
00:04:58,673 --> 00:05:00,425
sorry, sorry.
126
00:05:02,093 --> 00:05:04,179
Ugh, we're pinned down.
127
00:05:04,179 --> 00:05:05,847
Commander Wolf,
what do we do?
128
00:05:05,847 --> 00:05:07,057
Flank 'em from the sides.
129
00:05:07,057 --> 00:05:08,391
I'll come behind
and tear 'em a new one.
130
00:05:08,391 --> 00:05:11,186
- I will die for you, my king!
- Now!
131
00:05:11,186 --> 00:05:13,521
Oh, they're lighting
my ass up!
132
00:05:15,190 --> 00:05:17,192
Ding.
Order's up, bitch.
133
00:05:20,528 --> 00:05:22,238
Wolf, I don't believe in war,
134
00:05:22,238 --> 00:05:24,115
but you just make it
so much fun.
135
00:05:24,115 --> 00:05:25,450
Stab!
136
00:05:27,285 --> 00:05:28,828
Ugh, screw it.
137
00:05:28,828 --> 00:05:29,871
Hey.
138
00:05:29,871 --> 00:05:31,539
Dude, that screen
was the only thing
139
00:05:31,539 --> 00:05:33,667
keeping out this camper's
rightful owners.
140
00:05:33,667 --> 00:05:36,294
Don't yell at me.
Yell at my little friend.
141
00:05:39,756 --> 00:05:41,257
What's so funny?
142
00:05:41,257 --> 00:05:43,551
Oh, it's just the idea
of you with a knife.
143
00:05:43,551 --> 00:05:46,054
You're more of a yo-yo guy.
144
00:05:46,054 --> 00:05:47,681
Yeah, it's like a monkey
with a guitar,
145
00:05:47,681 --> 00:05:49,349
hilarious but not natural.
146
00:05:49,349 --> 00:05:51,101
You're not even allowed
to use paper straws
147
00:05:51,101 --> 00:05:53,520
at school after all
your eye jabbing accidents.
148
00:05:55,271 --> 00:05:57,273
You guys think
I'm some sort of clown?
149
00:05:57,273 --> 00:05:59,109
No, that's me.
150
00:05:59,109 --> 00:06:01,403
I'm the clown,
Yangzi's the swag,
151
00:06:01,403 --> 00:06:03,947
Mia's the brains,
and Wolf's the alpha.
152
00:06:03,947 --> 00:06:06,700
That leaves you
the lovable goofball.
153
00:06:06,700 --> 00:06:08,702
- Who's our goofball?
- You are.
154
00:06:08,702 --> 00:06:11,413
- Yes, you are.
- You're a good, goofy boy.
155
00:06:11,413 --> 00:06:13,039
Quit tousling me!
156
00:06:13,039 --> 00:06:15,083
Listen, D,
just give the blade to Wolf.
157
00:06:15,083 --> 00:06:16,209
You're not a knife guy.
158
00:06:16,209 --> 00:06:17,419
Says who?
159
00:06:17,419 --> 00:06:19,879
Says those Jessica Simpson
low-rise jeans.
160
00:06:19,879 --> 00:06:21,881
My mom's coupons
had exclusions.
161
00:06:21,881 --> 00:06:23,383
Come on,
let's just play the game.
162
00:06:24,551 --> 00:06:26,678
Mia, you get flash bombs.
Bex, grenades.
163
00:06:26,678 --> 00:06:29,889
Yangzi, flamethrower.
Duncan, you get the yo-yo.
164
00:06:29,889 --> 00:06:31,725
Ugh.
165
00:06:33,601 --> 00:06:35,061
Aw, Duncan died?
166
00:06:35,061 --> 00:06:36,646
Sad, but life goes on.
167
00:06:36,646 --> 00:06:39,649
No, we're donating his pants
to those in need.
168
00:06:39,649 --> 00:06:41,026
Why would you give things
to charity
169
00:06:41,026 --> 00:06:42,068
when you can make money
for yourself?
170
00:06:42,068 --> 00:06:43,486
I'm listening.
171
00:06:43,486 --> 00:06:45,822
You can sell your old clothes
online at Stitch-U-Ation,
172
00:06:45,822 --> 00:06:47,991
the clunkily named
thirdhand clothes website.
173
00:06:47,991 --> 00:06:49,242
I don't know.
174
00:06:49,242 --> 00:06:52,245
Strangers walking around
in my little boy's pants?
175
00:06:52,245 --> 00:06:53,705
- What does it pay?
- Lots.
176
00:06:53,705 --> 00:06:55,790
Someone sold a Rastafarian
Bart Simpson shirt
177
00:06:55,790 --> 00:06:57,417
for $1 million.
178
00:06:57,417 --> 00:07:00,879
Oh, I just cleaned
the bathroom with mine!
179
00:07:00,879 --> 00:07:03,256
We were gonna donate
this stuff like idiots.
180
00:07:03,256 --> 00:07:04,716
How does it work, Kimberly?
181
00:07:04,716 --> 00:07:06,176
All we do
is post a picture of you
182
00:07:06,176 --> 00:07:07,844
holding Duncan's
smelly old clothes,
183
00:07:07,844 --> 00:07:09,512
call them distressed,
and then just wait
184
00:07:09,512 --> 00:07:11,181
- for the money to roll in.
- Wait?
185
00:07:11,181 --> 00:07:12,390
I hate waiting for something
186
00:07:12,390 --> 00:07:14,601
I didn't know existed
ten minutes ago.
187
00:07:14,601 --> 00:07:15,643
Well, you don't have to wait
188
00:07:15,643 --> 00:07:17,687
too long.
You just got your first offer,
189
00:07:17,687 --> 00:07:19,731
but it isn't for Duncan's
stank-ass jeans,
190
00:07:19,731 --> 00:07:21,191
it's for
your plumber shirt, Dad.
191
00:07:21,191 --> 00:07:22,567
Never!
192
00:07:22,567 --> 00:07:25,445
Your mother hand embroidered
my name on this.
193
00:07:25,445 --> 00:07:28,531
They offered 75 bucks
for that and Mom's track pants.
194
00:07:28,531 --> 00:07:30,450
75 bucks?
195
00:07:30,450 --> 00:07:33,244
- Ugh!
- Screw you, charity!
196
00:07:36,247 --> 00:07:38,708
All right, we're doing this!
197
00:07:43,129 --> 00:07:45,590
Mmm, stolen burritos.
198
00:07:45,590 --> 00:07:48,009
When you don't earn 'em,
they're just tastier.
199
00:07:48,009 --> 00:07:50,553
Wolf, please regale us
with the spellbinding story
200
00:07:50,553 --> 00:07:52,806
of how you pulled off
this spicy heist.
201
00:07:52,806 --> 00:07:54,849
I pushed a Postmates guy
off his scooter.
202
00:07:54,849 --> 00:07:55,892
Damn!
203
00:07:55,892 --> 00:07:57,560
Love that story!
204
00:07:57,560 --> 00:08:00,980
Yeah, well,
I got us these extra straws.
205
00:08:00,980 --> 00:08:02,357
Ow.
206
00:08:06,236 --> 00:08:08,571
Oh, damn, it's Fat Ricky.
207
00:08:08,571 --> 00:08:11,074
How does that goose
always know when we have food?
208
00:08:11,074 --> 00:08:12,951
Okay, be cool, be cool.
209
00:08:12,951 --> 00:08:14,202
What up, Fat Ricky?
210
00:08:15,620 --> 00:08:17,706
Well, we live
in this drainpipe now.
211
00:08:17,706 --> 00:08:18,957
All right...
212
00:08:18,957 --> 00:08:20,875
It's alpha time.
213
00:08:20,875 --> 00:08:23,294
Come on, man, I don't want
to have to pluck you up today.
214
00:08:23,294 --> 00:08:25,505
Oh, yeah?
215
00:08:25,505 --> 00:08:26,715
You and what gaggle?
216
00:08:29,217 --> 00:08:31,261
Whoa, ow, ow.
217
00:08:31,261 --> 00:08:32,345
Chill out!
218
00:08:32,345 --> 00:08:34,806
Take all of our food
and our wallets.
219
00:08:34,806 --> 00:08:37,058
Ugh.
220
00:08:37,058 --> 00:08:39,477
How do you want your friends
to see you, Duncan,
221
00:08:39,477 --> 00:08:41,980
as yo-yo boy or knife man?
222
00:08:41,980 --> 00:08:44,065
Yeah, I'm sick
of being the goofball
223
00:08:44,065 --> 00:08:45,150
who gets laughed at.
224
00:08:45,150 --> 00:08:46,651
I've got hair on my butt crack.
225
00:08:46,651 --> 00:08:48,153
That was number three,
by the way.
226
00:08:48,153 --> 00:08:49,988
I know.
I'm your pants.
227
00:08:53,074 --> 00:08:55,285
Your goose is cooked,
Fat Ricky.
228
00:08:58,997 --> 00:09:00,999
Yeah, you better waddle!
229
00:09:00,999 --> 00:09:03,376
Damn, Wolf,
I thought you were a goner.
230
00:09:03,376 --> 00:09:04,419
I had it handled.
231
00:09:04,419 --> 00:09:05,462
I was just weighed down
232
00:09:05,462 --> 00:09:06,796
by eating
that double meat burrito.
233
00:09:06,796 --> 00:09:09,299
Duncan, you just cut a bag
right out of a goose's mouth.
234
00:09:09,299 --> 00:09:11,301
- Where did that come from?
- I don't know.
235
00:09:11,301 --> 00:09:13,720
Guess my knife man instinct
kicked in.
236
00:09:16,973 --> 00:09:18,224
- Whoa.
- Whoa.
237
00:09:18,224 --> 00:09:19,893
Nothing but mouth.
238
00:09:19,893 --> 00:09:21,478
My king.
239
00:09:21,478 --> 00:09:24,189
Bex, chalupa.
Yangzi, tostada.
240
00:09:24,189 --> 00:09:27,025
Mia, fish tacos.
Wolf, yo-yo.
241
00:09:27,025 --> 00:09:28,693
It came with the kids' meal.
242
00:09:30,153 --> 00:09:31,154
Cheer up, Wolf,
243
00:09:31,154 --> 00:09:32,405
and be sure to check out my line
244
00:09:32,405 --> 00:09:34,240
of cute shower curtains.
245
00:09:40,663 --> 00:09:42,082
Morning, beautiful.
246
00:09:42,082 --> 00:09:44,459
That was quite a night
we had last night, wasn't it?
247
00:09:46,169 --> 00:09:48,880
Today is the first day
of the rest of my knife.
248
00:09:48,880 --> 00:09:51,299
Oh, I mean life. Sorry.
249
00:09:54,302 --> 00:09:55,345
Ladies.
250
00:09:55,345 --> 00:09:57,389
Hey, Blade.
251
00:09:57,389 --> 00:10:00,392
Yo, Blade, this dude
won't stop bothering me.
252
00:10:00,392 --> 00:10:02,727
Ugh, Friday nights.
253
00:10:03,895 --> 00:10:06,481
Hey, the lady doesn't want
to dance with you, bro.
254
00:10:06,481 --> 00:10:09,984
I find
your lack of chill disturbing.
255
00:10:11,277 --> 00:10:12,779
Whoosh.
256
00:10:16,324 --> 00:10:18,535
Sorry about your glowstick.
257
00:10:18,535 --> 00:10:21,246
You big meanie!
258
00:10:22,372 --> 00:10:24,207
Blade! Blade! Blade!
259
00:10:25,625 --> 00:10:27,419
Blade! Blade! Blade!
260
00:10:27,419 --> 00:10:30,088
Oh, ow! Worth it.
261
00:10:30,088 --> 00:10:32,298
All right, you two,
your Stitch-U-Ation page
262
00:10:32,298 --> 00:10:34,342
is on fire, so we need
to do this photoshoot
263
00:10:34,342 --> 00:10:36,177
to build
the Jack and Annie brand.
264
00:10:36,177 --> 00:10:37,887
You're so oily, Daddy.
265
00:10:37,887 --> 00:10:40,306
I could fry chicken
on your T-zone.
266
00:10:40,306 --> 00:10:42,017
Okay, you're not getting
any younger,
267
00:10:42,017 --> 00:10:44,602
so drop the robes
and start working it.
268
00:10:45,645 --> 00:10:47,272
We'll do our best, honey,
but remember,
269
00:10:47,272 --> 00:10:49,149
we're not professional models.
270
00:10:50,275 --> 00:10:53,737
Yes, yes, work it.
You're fierce.
271
00:10:53,737 --> 00:10:55,739
Own it.
Disown it.
272
00:10:55,739 --> 00:10:57,824
You're tigers.
You're pussycats.
273
00:10:57,824 --> 00:10:59,743
Bodybuilder.
Ballerina.
274
00:10:59,743 --> 00:11:01,661
Janet Jackson.
Blue steel.
275
00:11:01,661 --> 00:11:03,997
Home Alone.
Chins up, all of them.
276
00:11:03,997 --> 00:11:05,790
And death drop.
277
00:11:06,833 --> 00:11:07,792
Ugh.
278
00:11:07,792 --> 00:11:09,252
Oh, God, I'm spent.
279
00:11:09,252 --> 00:11:11,755
I've done the best I can.
Nobody look at me.
280
00:11:15,592 --> 00:11:17,886
Extra tater tot.
Thanks, knife.
281
00:11:17,886 --> 00:11:20,305
I don't think knives
are allowed in school, Duncan.
282
00:11:20,305 --> 00:11:22,807
- Says who?
- That sign.
283
00:11:24,851 --> 00:11:26,561
- Whoo!
- Yeah!
284
00:11:26,561 --> 00:11:29,314
Kind of hot that I don't care
about school safety, huh?
285
00:11:29,314 --> 00:11:30,690
Yes.
286
00:11:30,690 --> 00:11:33,401
Oh, damn,
the ankle bracelet kids.
287
00:11:33,401 --> 00:11:35,862
No eye contact,
no pants wetting.
288
00:11:35,862 --> 00:11:37,781
Ooh, my parents said
they are not buying me
289
00:11:37,781 --> 00:11:39,032
another set of chains.
290
00:11:39,032 --> 00:11:41,785
I'm just gonna smash
my own sandwich.
291
00:11:41,785 --> 00:11:43,286
Duncan, 'sup?
292
00:11:43,286 --> 00:11:44,871
Did he just "'sup" you?
293
00:11:44,871 --> 00:11:47,040
Hey, heard you sent Fat Ricky
down south early.
294
00:11:47,040 --> 00:11:48,416
Sick.
295
00:11:48,416 --> 00:11:50,835
Guess that makes you
the alpha of this crew now.
296
00:11:50,835 --> 00:11:52,796
Tough break, Wolf.
297
00:11:52,796 --> 00:11:55,048
Hey, hey,
this guy's my friend,
298
00:11:55,048 --> 00:11:56,341
and he's still kind of sore
299
00:11:56,341 --> 00:11:57,801
from when that goose
sat on his face.
300
00:11:57,801 --> 00:11:59,094
Dude, these guys aren't birds.
301
00:11:59,094 --> 00:12:00,929
- Let me handle this.
- No, no.
302
00:12:00,929 --> 00:12:02,138
You're in a lot of pain.
303
00:12:02,138 --> 00:12:04,307
Yes, I am the alpha,
304
00:12:04,307 --> 00:12:06,810
and I would appreciate it
if you spread the word.
305
00:12:06,810 --> 00:12:08,978
Cool, let's meet up
after school, Big D.
306
00:12:08,978 --> 00:12:11,106
Oh, that sounds lovely.
307
00:12:11,106 --> 00:12:13,650
I mean, yeah, whatevs.
308
00:12:13,650 --> 00:12:15,902
Uh, what just happened?
309
00:12:15,902 --> 00:12:17,904
Normally you'd be wearing
your underwear
310
00:12:17,904 --> 00:12:19,572
as a headband by now.
311
00:12:19,572 --> 00:12:20,615
I'm not surprised.
312
00:12:20,615 --> 00:12:22,158
I bet they want me
in their crew.
313
00:12:22,158 --> 00:12:23,993
You shouldn't have
called yourself the alpha.
314
00:12:23,993 --> 00:12:25,912
Don't worry,
I won't bail on you guys
315
00:12:25,912 --> 00:12:28,498
to hang with cooler kids,
but I probably will.
316
00:12:28,498 --> 00:12:30,458
We'll still do
our secret Santa though.
317
00:12:30,458 --> 00:12:32,293
Oh, a whetstone
for knife sharpening
318
00:12:32,293 --> 00:12:33,753
would be so thoughtful.
319
00:12:37,090 --> 00:12:38,758
People can't get enough
of your stuff.
320
00:12:38,758 --> 00:12:41,678
The big California Raisins
T-shirt Mom sleeps in
321
00:12:41,678 --> 00:12:43,596
just sold for 50 bucks.
322
00:12:43,596 --> 00:12:46,391
Goodbye Def Leppard
satin baseball jacket.
323
00:12:46,391 --> 00:12:49,436
It'll always be weird to think
of someone else inside you.
324
00:12:49,436 --> 00:12:52,355
Come on, come on.
We promised two-day shipping.
325
00:12:52,355 --> 00:12:53,857
Finish taping up those boxes.
326
00:12:53,857 --> 00:12:55,525
I'll drop them off
on my way to work.
327
00:12:55,525 --> 00:12:57,777
Why are you dressed
like that, Mom?
328
00:12:57,777 --> 00:12:59,446
I sold most of my stuff.
329
00:12:59,446 --> 00:13:00,989
Apparently,
people draw the line
330
00:13:00,989 --> 00:13:02,699
at old bathing suit bottoms.
331
00:13:02,699 --> 00:13:03,908
Actually, that just sold.
332
00:13:03,908 --> 00:13:06,286
Jing, trash bag me.
333
00:13:08,830 --> 00:13:10,957
♪ I'm a knife guy ♪
334
00:13:10,957 --> 00:13:13,626
♪ And I'm feeling fine ♪
Ooh, ow.
335
00:13:13,626 --> 00:13:15,086
- Duncan.
- Uh-uh-uh.
336
00:13:15,086 --> 00:13:16,504
Big D.
337
00:13:16,504 --> 00:13:17,630
And go.
338
00:13:17,630 --> 00:13:18,757
I know the alpha life
seems cool,
339
00:13:18,757 --> 00:13:20,008
but it's not for you, man.
340
00:13:20,008 --> 00:13:22,344
I didn't choose this life.
It chose me.
341
00:13:22,344 --> 00:13:24,012
Being an alpha is more
than carrying a knife
342
00:13:24,012 --> 00:13:25,096
in your mom jeans.
343
00:13:25,096 --> 00:13:26,681
They're Jessica Simpson.
344
00:13:26,681 --> 00:13:28,683
Choose your
next words carefully.
345
00:13:28,683 --> 00:13:30,852
The ankle bracelet kids
are gonna destroy you.
346
00:13:30,852 --> 00:13:32,062
By saying you're the alpha,
347
00:13:32,062 --> 00:13:34,022
your mouth wrote a check
your ass can't cash.
348
00:13:34,022 --> 00:13:35,357
What the hell is a check?
349
00:13:35,357 --> 00:13:36,399
Old people Venmo.
350
00:13:36,399 --> 00:13:37,650
Point is,
you're in over your head,
351
00:13:37,650 --> 00:13:38,735
but don't worry.
352
00:13:38,735 --> 00:13:39,778
I'm gonna help you
get out of it.
353
00:13:39,778 --> 00:13:41,112
- I'm gonna whup you good.
- What?
354
00:13:41,112 --> 00:13:42,572
Don't sweat it.
I won't hurt you.
355
00:13:42,572 --> 00:13:44,032
I'll just make it look
like I did.
356
00:13:44,032 --> 00:13:45,408
Then I'll go back
to being the alpha,
357
00:13:45,408 --> 00:13:46,993
and you can go back
to being the total sweetie
358
00:13:46,993 --> 00:13:48,036
you've always been.
359
00:13:48,036 --> 00:13:49,371
I'm nobody's sweetie.
360
00:13:49,371 --> 00:13:50,705
- Huh?
- Huh?
361
00:13:50,705 --> 00:13:52,499
And what makes you think
I can't whup you good?
362
00:13:52,499 --> 00:13:53,875
Pretty much
everything about you,
363
00:13:53,875 --> 00:13:56,670
your noodly arms, you cry
when you zip your jacket,
364
00:13:56,670 --> 00:13:58,588
I've seen you carried away
by a gust of wind.
365
00:13:58,588 --> 00:14:00,173
Face it, Duncan, you're a wuss.
366
00:14:00,173 --> 00:14:01,508
You're just jealous!
367
00:14:01,508 --> 00:14:03,885
So yeah, there's gonna be
a fight after school,
368
00:14:03,885 --> 00:14:05,428
but not a fake one.
369
00:14:05,428 --> 00:14:09,599
I'm gonna check out your ass,
and my mouth's gonna cash it!
370
00:14:09,599 --> 00:14:10,850
Oh.
371
00:14:10,850 --> 00:14:12,268
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
372
00:14:12,268 --> 00:14:14,229
I always thought
the first fistfight
373
00:14:14,229 --> 00:14:15,605
would be you and me.
374
00:14:15,605 --> 00:14:18,358
Uh-uh, Bex, you do not want
to see these hands.
375
00:14:18,358 --> 00:14:20,068
Fight, fight, fight, fight!
376
00:14:24,072 --> 00:14:27,409
Kimberly, thanks for
making us e-commerce tycoons.
377
00:14:27,409 --> 00:14:29,202
I never thought
we'd have enough money
378
00:14:29,202 --> 00:14:31,579
to shop at the Nice Target.
379
00:14:31,579 --> 00:14:33,415
I loved buying
this new tracksuit,
380
00:14:33,415 --> 00:14:35,291
and I'll love selling it
next week.
381
00:14:35,291 --> 00:14:37,085
It looks just like
your old tracksuit.
382
00:14:37,085 --> 00:14:39,129
No, it's double stitched.
383
00:14:39,129 --> 00:14:40,922
And who ever thought
we'd be a family
384
00:14:40,922 --> 00:14:43,508
that could afford
ForceFlex trash bags?
385
00:14:43,508 --> 00:14:45,510
ForceFlex!
386
00:14:45,510 --> 00:14:47,470
Jack,
you're gonna get us robbed.
387
00:14:47,470 --> 00:14:49,556
Jing, get back here!
388
00:14:49,556 --> 00:14:52,183
Oh, ha, I thought
they were my parents.
389
00:14:52,183 --> 00:14:55,145
Oh, what an adorable
but dangerous mistake.
390
00:14:56,396 --> 00:14:58,231
Hey, they do look like us.
391
00:14:58,231 --> 00:14:59,357
And so do they.
392
00:14:59,357 --> 00:15:02,152
That's why we've been selling
so many clothes.
393
00:15:02,152 --> 00:15:06,072
We've got a look,
and everybody wants it.
394
00:15:07,532 --> 00:15:08,908
Schlub Fest?
395
00:15:08,908 --> 00:15:10,785
They think we're schlubs.
396
00:15:10,785 --> 00:15:12,120
Oh, I get it.
397
00:15:12,120 --> 00:15:14,539
They're hipsters wearing your
old favorite clothes ironically
398
00:15:14,539 --> 00:15:15,915
because they think the way
you define yourself
399
00:15:15,915 --> 00:15:18,251
is hilariously lame and gross.
Oh, well.
400
00:15:18,251 --> 00:15:19,669
Let's go back to Nice Target.
401
00:15:19,669 --> 00:15:21,963
I want a Wolfgang Puck
personal pan pizza.
402
00:15:21,963 --> 00:15:23,923
Lame and gross?
403
00:15:23,923 --> 00:15:25,884
I'm getting angry,
and you won't like me
404
00:15:25,884 --> 00:15:30,013
when I'm angry.
405
00:15:30,013 --> 00:15:31,765
ForceFlex.
406
00:15:31,765 --> 00:15:34,434
How dare they make fun
of the way we dress?
407
00:15:34,434 --> 00:15:37,020
Get up, Jack,
we're going schlubbing.
408
00:15:37,020 --> 00:15:39,147
- Jing!
- Sorry!
409
00:15:39,147 --> 00:15:40,440
Wrong schlubs.
410
00:15:41,775 --> 00:15:44,069
Good afternoon
and welcome to the fabulous
411
00:15:44,069 --> 00:15:46,196
Curves for Women parking lot!
412
00:15:46,196 --> 00:15:47,697
Good luck, boys.
413
00:15:47,697 --> 00:15:49,074
I know I say this every week,
414
00:15:49,074 --> 00:15:51,284
but this is the high school
fight of the century
415
00:15:51,284 --> 00:15:52,452
only in Oakdale.
416
00:15:53,953 --> 00:15:56,539
In the interest of safety,
I will not be using my knife,
417
00:15:56,539 --> 00:15:58,375
however, the fight
will be to the death.
418
00:15:58,375 --> 00:16:00,168
Punish him.
419
00:16:00,168 --> 00:16:01,252
Come on, Donna!
420
00:16:01,252 --> 00:16:03,630
Yoga booty ballet is starting.
421
00:16:03,630 --> 00:16:05,507
Before the fight begins,
we only have time
422
00:16:05,507 --> 00:16:07,050
for 48 questions, go.
423
00:16:07,050 --> 00:16:09,469
Wolf, Tim Weathers,
Oakdale High Times,
424
00:16:09,469 --> 00:16:11,304
- online version.
- Always a pleasure, Tim.
425
00:16:11,304 --> 00:16:13,056
In your last fight,
you declared you were going
426
00:16:13,056 --> 00:16:15,392
to break your foot off
in your opponent's buttocks.
427
00:16:15,392 --> 00:16:17,310
Do you have similar intentions
for Duncan?
428
00:16:17,310 --> 00:16:19,145
- Yes.
- Duncan, Jake Tapper,
429
00:16:19,145 --> 00:16:21,022
author, journalist, father.
430
00:16:21,022 --> 00:16:22,774
Up until now,
you've been known as the kid
431
00:16:22,774 --> 00:16:25,110
who passes out while
getting dressed for gym class,
432
00:16:25,110 --> 00:16:26,861
and you've never had a fight
in your life.
433
00:16:26,861 --> 00:16:28,154
Do you feel ready?
434
00:16:28,154 --> 00:16:29,239
Great question, Jake.
435
00:16:29,239 --> 00:16:30,573
I'm definitely ready.
436
00:16:30,573 --> 00:16:32,492
My scoliosis will allow me
437
00:16:32,492 --> 00:16:34,911
to move in ways my opponent
cannot anticipate.
438
00:16:34,911 --> 00:16:36,788
All right, gentlemen,
I want both of y'all to know
439
00:16:36,788 --> 00:16:38,289
that I think of you
as brothers,
440
00:16:38,289 --> 00:16:41,167
and I cannot wait to see you
pulverize each other's faces!
441
00:16:41,167 --> 00:16:43,003
Let's do this!
442
00:16:48,091 --> 00:16:49,884
I can't wait to hide
in your bathroom tonight
443
00:16:49,884 --> 00:16:51,428
so I can watch you crap teeth.
444
00:16:51,428 --> 00:16:53,513
Just try not to pee on me
when I choke you out.
445
00:16:53,513 --> 00:16:54,764
No promises.
446
00:16:54,764 --> 00:16:56,516
I should really stop this,
447
00:16:56,516 --> 00:16:59,352
but I want to ask Jake Tapper
for an internship.
448
00:16:59,352 --> 00:17:01,604
Scoliosis swerve.
449
00:17:01,604 --> 00:17:05,984
Wow, he's riding
that scoliosis like a wave.
450
00:17:11,406 --> 00:17:13,658
If you hadn't told me we were
being mocked and insulted,
451
00:17:13,658 --> 00:17:15,243
I would love this.
452
00:17:15,243 --> 00:17:17,787
Whoa, you're Jack and Annie,
the original schlubs.
453
00:17:17,787 --> 00:17:19,330
Ugh, I love your gave birth
454
00:17:19,330 --> 00:17:21,291
and never worked out again
front pooch.
455
00:17:21,291 --> 00:17:22,584
How'd you get that look?
456
00:17:22,584 --> 00:17:25,712
You just described
how I got that look.
457
00:17:25,712 --> 00:17:28,256
That table will pay 50 bucks
for a video of them
458
00:17:28,256 --> 00:17:29,758
laughing directly in your face.
459
00:17:29,758 --> 00:17:31,634
Mommy, Daddy, you're a hit!
460
00:17:31,634 --> 00:17:34,054
When I grow up,
I'm gonna be a total schlub
461
00:17:34,054 --> 00:17:35,347
just like you!
462
00:17:35,347 --> 00:17:36,723
That is it.
463
00:17:36,723 --> 00:17:39,476
As soon as she comes by with
that tray of little corn dogs,
464
00:17:39,476 --> 00:17:41,227
we're giving them
a piece of our minds.
465
00:17:41,227 --> 00:17:42,771
No, Jack, now!
466
00:17:42,771 --> 00:17:44,230
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
467
00:17:47,317 --> 00:17:50,278
You take
those ironic cheers back,
468
00:17:50,278 --> 00:17:54,074
you smug, overeducated,
hot, young people!
469
00:17:54,074 --> 00:17:55,533
You think
we're lame and gross?
470
00:17:55,533 --> 00:17:56,993
Let me tell you something.
471
00:17:56,993 --> 00:18:01,331
We used to be in your shoes,
which used to be our shoes.
472
00:18:01,331 --> 00:18:04,000
The real irony is if you
didn't spend all your money
473
00:18:04,000 --> 00:18:07,420
on used clothes, you'd have
a down payment on a house!
474
00:18:07,420 --> 00:18:10,882
Oh, wait, no you wouldn't
because you defaulted
475
00:18:10,882 --> 00:18:12,592
on all your student loans!
476
00:18:13,927 --> 00:18:16,179
Ah, kiss my front pooch!
477
00:18:16,179 --> 00:18:18,890
Yeah, you'll never be able
to afford anything
478
00:18:18,890 --> 00:18:22,227
'cause we pulled the ladder up
behind us, suckers!
479
00:18:22,227 --> 00:18:25,313
We were the last generation
that had a chance!
480
00:18:25,313 --> 00:18:26,856
That's right!
481
00:18:26,856 --> 00:18:28,400
We own two cars,
482
00:18:28,400 --> 00:18:30,777
and they both guzzle gas!
483
00:18:30,777 --> 00:18:32,404
Glug, glug, glug, glug, glug.
484
00:18:34,322 --> 00:18:35,407
Gen X rules!
485
00:18:38,535 --> 00:18:39,786
Don't worry, Wolf.
486
00:18:39,786 --> 00:18:41,705
I'll donate your head
to the lice museum.
487
00:18:41,705 --> 00:18:43,707
Your mom's gonna leave
your dad for me,
488
00:18:43,707 --> 00:18:44,958
and I'm gonna be your father.
489
00:18:44,958 --> 00:18:47,585
This smack talk
is getting really weird.
490
00:18:47,585 --> 00:18:49,045
Let's see some blood!
491
00:18:49,045 --> 00:18:50,463
Blood, blood, blood!
492
00:18:50,463 --> 00:18:52,549
Blood, blood, blood, blood,
493
00:18:52,549 --> 00:18:56,177
blood, blood, blood
blood, blood, blood, blood!
494
00:19:04,352 --> 00:19:06,021
Sorry your stepdad left.
495
00:19:07,814 --> 00:19:09,774
Sorry your stepdad came back.
496
00:19:24,831 --> 00:19:26,499
You having
the same memories as me?
497
00:19:26,499 --> 00:19:29,252
Yeah, that toilet thing
was amazing.
498
00:19:29,252 --> 00:19:30,920
Thanks.
499
00:19:30,920 --> 00:19:32,172
- I love you, Wolf.
- What?
500
00:19:32,172 --> 00:19:33,214
Huh?
501
00:19:34,674 --> 00:19:36,259
The hell is this?
502
00:19:36,259 --> 00:19:39,179
They've learned friendship is
more important than fighting,
503
00:19:39,179 --> 00:19:41,514
and isn't that
the kind of story we need
504
00:19:41,514 --> 00:19:43,266
in these
deeply polarized times?
505
00:19:43,266 --> 00:19:45,101
- Boo!
- Quiet, Tapper!
506
00:19:46,603 --> 00:19:48,104
Get out of here!
507
00:19:48,104 --> 00:19:49,647
- No!
- You made me mad!
508
00:19:49,647 --> 00:19:53,485
And one more thing,
you PBR swilling renters,
509
00:19:53,485 --> 00:19:56,571
Bernie Sanders
will never be president!
510
00:19:58,198 --> 00:20:00,617
- Let's get 'em!
- Ah, get 'em!
511
00:20:02,160 --> 00:20:04,913
- You ready to do this?
- Let's bust some heads.
512
00:20:08,458 --> 00:20:10,960
Wow, getting punched
really hurts.
513
00:20:10,960 --> 00:20:13,380
So alphas
have to do this all the time?
514
00:20:13,380 --> 00:20:14,881
Yep, look at
my Google Calendar,
515
00:20:14,881 --> 00:20:16,966
and those are
just my scheduled fights.
516
00:20:16,966 --> 00:20:18,968
Doesn't include
getting jumped unexpectedly.
517
00:20:18,968 --> 00:20:20,887
Here, I'm not a knife guy.
518
00:20:20,887 --> 00:20:23,390
I think I'll just go back
to being a total sweetie.
519
00:20:23,390 --> 00:20:25,058
I love you, Wolf.
520
00:20:25,058 --> 00:20:27,060
- What?
- Huh?
521
00:20:27,060 --> 00:20:29,062
Mom, Dad,
what are you doing here?
522
00:20:29,062 --> 00:20:30,438
Your mother and I
got in a barfight.
523
00:20:30,438 --> 00:20:31,773
- You?
- School fight.
524
00:20:31,773 --> 00:20:33,566
Doctor said
I might be concussed.
525
00:20:33,566 --> 00:20:35,568
Dunkie, oh, my God,
did you rip
526
00:20:35,568 --> 00:20:37,821
your new Jessica Simpsons?
That's it.
527
00:20:37,821 --> 00:20:40,824
As soon as we're discharged,
we're going pant shopping.
528
00:20:40,824 --> 00:20:42,325
No!
529
00:20:45,286 --> 00:20:48,039
Oh, stop being so dramatic.
530
00:20:48,039 --> 00:20:49,791
Ugh.
531
00:20:54,004 --> 00:20:55,797
Okay, since you sold
all your clothes,
532
00:20:55,797 --> 00:20:57,757
we're gonna get you something
actually cool this time.
533
00:20:58,800 --> 00:21:01,469
The Craig T. Nelson line.
534
00:21:01,469 --> 00:21:04,556
{\an8}This shirt
has a built-in girdle!
535
00:21:04,556 --> 00:21:06,349
{\an8}I'm done.
536
00:21:06,349 --> 00:21:08,226
{\an8}Here, Dunkie,
these will look darling on you.
537
00:21:08,226 --> 00:21:09,394
{\an8}Go try them on.
538
00:21:09,394 --> 00:21:10,979
{\an8}I'm not going
in those dressing rooms.
539
00:21:10,979 --> 00:21:14,232
{\an8}I told you, German pervs
hide cameras in there.
540
00:21:14,232 --> 00:21:17,819
Come on, Craig T.
541
00:21:17,819 --> 00:21:20,196
{\an8}Help me like my body.
542
00:21:23,992 --> 00:21:26,786
{\an8}Mein Gott!
Chubby papa!
543
00:21:26,786 --> 00:21:28,747
{\an8}Ich bin ein so horny!
544
00:21:35,920 --> 00:21:37,881
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