Original subtitles

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but

that old Maude.

Chinatown, my Chinatown, where the lights are low.

Oh, Maude, you are a many -splendored thing.

Chinatown, my Chinatown.

I'm a Yankee doodle dandy.

Yankee doodle do a guy.

Ah, Mrs. Finley.

I'd like to go over the menu with you.

Mr. Fong, tonight's dinner is in honor of my dear friend, Congresswoman Irene

McElhaney. She just recently returned from a junket to China. I want tonight's

dinner to be an authentic Chinese meal. So I'm just leaving the menu entirely in

your hands. Oh, thanks. Hey, Mr. Henry!

Are you a right Chinese boy?

Please, not in front of the Chinese boy.

I'm sorry, Mr. Fong.

Just call me Morris.

Morris, I thought your name was Chan Yee. Ah, that's just my stage name. You

see, I appear on various TV cooking shows, and I also wrote a book on

cuisine. Oh, that's great. What's the name of the book?

With six, you get heartburn.

That's a little Chinese humor.

Uh, what is the menu, Morris?

Well, I'm giving you the deluxe dinner for $8 a person. You get a real

Chinese dinner. Start out with a shark fin soup, thousand -year -old egg,

duck, and I run around the room with a pigtail yelling, who wants fly lice? Who

wants fly lice?

Norris, I just got through telling you that this party is in honor of Irene

McElhaney. I have been one of her staunchest supporters, mainly because of

very liberal views toward minorities.

We have worked side by side very hard all these years to do away with that

terrible image of the ethnic stereotype.

Now, I want you to serve the $8 meal, but you are not going to run around my

house yelling, who wants lied lice?

But I do like the pigtail.

Hey,

do you think I would look more Chinese if I wore a pigtail? No, but I think

you'd look a great deal more Chinese if you took off those hush puppies.

I forgot to put on my sandals. Oh, Walter, would you please tell Carol and

Philip to come down? I want them here before the party begins.

Okay.

Hi, Marty.

Oh, is this exciting? We're going to have such a wonderful time tonight.

Oh, Bud.

Vivian,

what's the matter?

Oh, nothing, nothing.

Are you sure?

Of course I'm sure.

Oh, Bud.

Vivian, if nothing is the matter, why are you saying, oh, Bud?

Pay no attention to her, Marty.

She's just going through the change of life.

My aunt? Vivian.

Oh, Arthur's right.

There's nothing bothering me but the change.

Besides, we're here to have a good time so my problems can wait.

How do you like my costume and my wig?

Oh, Viv, you look beautiful.

I'm so excited. This is the first time I've ever come to a costume party

as a communist.

eyes like that?

Scotch tape.

Vivian, that was Morris Chan -Yi Fong. He's catering tonight's dinner.

Oh, fortune cookies. Oh, I love fortune cookies. Let's see what my fortune says.

You are about to travel and find a new home.

I don't want to move.

Vivian, now, don't be ridiculous. You can't take fortune cookies seriously.

Maude, right.

We can't tell her now.

These are a bunch of bunk... Listen to this. Your lifelong dream is about to be

realized.

Well, I'll be hanged.

No, that's my lifelong dream.

Arthur, these fortune cookies are spooky. Oh, come on now, Vivian. Please,

told you. You cannot take them seriously. There's no truth in them.

You are a woman of great charm and brilliance.

Well, I mean, every once in a while.

Hey, you guys!

You look great!

So do you, buddy. What are you? I'm a rickshaw boy.

Here, Walter, come on. Have a fortune cookie. Let's see what the future holds

store for you. No, no, no. Let's not read any more of those dumb things.

Oh, it's not so dumb.

Life, like a canoe, often takes you to new waters.

It's perfect.

Oh, Walter, you're not buying another canoe.

No, but Carl Laszlo wants to buy my appliance store. And if he meets my

just might retire.

Retire? Oh, Walter, are you kidding?

Mom would retire.

Walter, don't you know what'll happen if you retire?

The boredom, the tedium, the irritation, the need to just bust out of the house.

That won't happen to me.

I'm talking about me.

Here we are.

Oh, I love you.

Oh, Tara, you look beautiful.

Oh, Mother.

What's the matter, Carol?

Nothing.

Nothing, really.

Oh, Philip.

Oh, Mother.

Oh, now, come on, Carol.

If there's nothing wrong, why are you saying, oh, Mother? Now, Carol, Maude's

gone to a lot of trouble to make this a wonderful evening for us, so please

don't spoil it with, oh, Mother.

I won't.

Oh, Maude.

Hey, fortune cookies.

Oh. Here, Maude, thanks. Let's see what you're saying.

Oh.

Carol, what is it?

Says I'm going to move to a new house.

That's what mine said.

Oh, Mother.

Oh, Grandma.

Oh, what?

What? What?

That is probably Irene.

Thank heaven. At least I can get a couple of laughs from her.

Irene! Oh, it's so good to see you again.

Irene, how was the trip to China?

Well, after three weeks over there, all I...

say is if I ever see Chinese food again, I'll throw up on your kimono.

How are you all dressed like this?

Our gardener died.

Look, I'll tell you, we were planning on a Chinese meal, but if you'd like, I

can always fix you a hamburger.

Anything, just as long as it's mild. All that spicy food.

I had a lot of indigestion on the trip.

I told you, Irene, you better watch it. You've been working too hard. Oh, come

on, Arthur.

Irene's a congresswoman. She has to work hard.

Meeting constituents, making speeches, going to lectures, kissing babies.

And then, of course, there's the occasional trip to Washington.

That's the pain in the butt.

Speaking of that, Maude, I'd like to have a talk with you.

Wait a minute, Irene.

When you say speaking of that, do I remind you of Washington or a pain in

butt?

Maude, why would you remind me of Washington?

Oh, I'm so glad Irene took Maude out of the room, because Arthur and I have a

real problem, and I just have to talk about it. Oh, Philip and I have a

too.

I got this terrific job offer, and we're moving to Denver.

I don't know how to tell Mother.

Carol, you're leaving?

Yes, Walter, we are.

Do you hear that?

Carol and Philip are moving to Denver.

Well, Carol, that's wonderful.

Maybe you and Philip will be able to take trips to Idaho.

Why would we want to take trips to Idaho?

Because that's where Arthur and I are moving.

What?

You two are moving?

To Idaho?

Oh, well, Wally, you knew I always wanted to find a small -town practice.

And just today it came through, and it's perfect.

Red River, Idaho.

It's a nice, rural farming community.

Sounds neat. It'll make a great veterinarian.

Oh, why is this going to be a country doctor?

It's like getting up in the middle of the night for operations and emergencies

and taking out appendixes right on the kitchen table and driving through the

rain to deliver babies.

Geez, I never thought of that.

This will break Maude's heart.

Oh, we couldn't say anything. Let's not spoil Mother's dinner.

Oh, no, that's a good idea. Let's all be merry and gay, although our hearts are

breaking.

Hear this? Wait till you hear this. You won't believe it.

Irene has just hired me to be on her congressional staff.

I'm actually going to be in charge of the Tuckahoe headquarters.

Isn't that the most exciting news you've ever heard?

Uh -huh.

I knew you'd all be thrilled.

You're just what I need, Maud. You're perfect for the job. A woman of charm

brilliance. My God, that's what my fortune cookie said.

Maybe, maybe everybody's fortune cookie will come true.

Oh, Irene.

Irene, you made me the happiest woman in the world. You know, I haven't been

this happy since the night that you were elected to Congress.

Do you remember how we danced when we heard that you had won?

Do I remember?

Happy days are here again, and the skies above are clear again. So we sing a

song of cheer again.

Happy days are here again.

Happy days are here again.

All right, now, what is the matter? Why is everyone

looking so sad?

Sad? Who's sad?

Anybody here sad?

I'm not sad. Are you sad?

I'm not sad.

It's just that we're all going through the change.

Vivian.

Don't you snap at me, Arthur Harmon. It was Carol who started crying in the

first place. I did not. I looked at Walter and he had tears in his eyes and

just couldn't hold it. Now, wait a minute. I didn't start it. Personally, I

think Philip is the cause of it all.

I'm sorry I had to bang the gong.

Irene, I feel I should apologize for my family and my friends.

Oh, Mother, it's just that... Well,

we were crying because... We were

crying because our costumes are too tight.

Now, listen, I don't care if you're all in a... I'm going to have a good time

tonight. I'm not going to let you ruin my evening.

Right. Let's all have a good time. You bet your boots we're going to have a

time. Too bad Carol had to start crying and spoil it. I didn't start crying. I

told you. Wait a minute. Don't pick on me.

Time.

Now listen to me. I have to go into the kitchen to see about dinner.

When I come back, I expect everybody to be acting normally and happily.

Now listen.

what I said.

Normally and happily.

I'm taking names.

hope she takes your name because you're the one who started it.

What's the matter with you people?

This party's gotten completely out of hand.

I've spent saner evenings with Billy Carter.

Irene, Carol and Arthur and Vivian all have news that's going to break Maude's

heart.

I got this marvelous job in Denver and I'm taking Philip with me. We're going

live there.

Arthur's moving his practice to Idaho and I'll never...

I hardly ever see Maude again.

I'm afraid this news will destroy Maude.

Destroy Maude Findlay?

Walter, I think you've been pulling your rickshaw too long.

You're afraid of how Maude will react to this news? Maude Findlay, don't you

know your own wife?

Maude Findlay is one of the bravest, strongest women I've ever had the good

fortune to be acquainted with.

She's a tiger, a giant.

You think just because she hears that her daughter and her grandson are moving

to Denver or that her best friend Vivian is going to Idaho to live,

she'll collapse?

Not that tiger. That's Steel.

She'll take it like the trooper she is.

Don't you worry about Lord Finley.

She's a rock of Gibraltar!

I'm not going to let you leave.

You can't do this to me. I can't lose my daughter and my grandson and my best

friend. Oh, Mother, Mother, this is very important. Would you ask me to give up

my career?

Yes! Yes!

Yes, yes!

And you, Vivian, Vivian, leave Arthur.

You can move in with Arthur.

I'll give you your own shelf in the refrigerator right next to the vegetable

crisper.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, I'm sorry. What the hell am I saying? I am not sorry.

Look, I can't let you go. You're my life.

Walter, you tell them.

The phone, you hear it? It rang.

Ma, this food digestion is killing me. Have you got any bicarb upstairs?

Yeah, in the medicine cabinet.

This time I am sorry.

Oh, Carol, I'm going to miss you.

Oh, Philip.

And you, Viv.

Oh,

what the hell even you are.

Me too, Marty.

Mother, this is a terrific opportunity for me.

And it's a big challenge.

Oh, honey, I'm sure you'll end up being the best person they have.

Thanks, kid.

I needed that.

Well, I am going to put on a new face. I'll be done in a while.

I'm going to go call some friends and tell them about Denver.

I'm going to miss you, Grandma.

Next week.

So soon?

What's the big rush?

Well, Red River's a very small town.

They only have one doctor, and he has to leave next Thursday.

Well, what's his big rush?

He's going to jail.

You mean you're replacing a man who's going to jail for malpractice? Oh, no,

no. He's a first -rate doctor. No, no, nothing like that. They got him for

shoplifting.

In a town of only 850 people, how much can a doctor make?

See, I'll be there in semi -retirement. I don't think I'll have to do any

shoplifting.

Besides, you'll meet somebody who'll be just as close to you as I am.

Oh, sure.

In a year or two, you'll never know we've gone.

I'm not very hungry anymore. I'm going home.

What's gone into her? What's gone into you? I won't give up dinner.

My heart is breaking and all you can think of is Chinese food.

You're right. Let's go out and get a steak.

Oh, you're upset because the others are leaving.

What? I'm going to show you that life isn't as bad as you think.

I'm going to have some Hawaiian punch.

I'll pour you some Chinese wine.

And we're going to make a toast.

Come on, Maud, just one drink.

Maud, you don't understand.

That was Carl Laszlo on the phone. He made me an offer for my store that I

couldn't refuse.

Maud, I'm going to retire.

From now on, you and I will be together 24 hours a day.

I'm afraid nobody's in the mood for dinner.

This night's just been a real bummer. Probably the worst night of my life.

Mrs. Finley, may I say something?

Oh, please, Morris. There are no words that they're going to help. I mean, I'm

afraid there's no fortune cookie that contains any bit of wisdom from the

inscrutable Orient that's going to make me feel better.

Oh, fortune cookies are bunk.

But for those moments when I feel discouraged and beaten and nothing but

and despondency. Oh, that's the way I feel.

Well, I remember a wise old saying my mother passed on to me.

She learned it from her mother.

What was that?

Que sera, sera.

Walter, pay the man off and throw him out.

Mother had another expression.

Nice guys finish last.

Ward, are you unhappy that I'm retiring?

Oh, Ronnie, if it makes you happy, it makes me happy. Oh, thanks.

I'm so glad you understand.

Where's Arthur?

They went home.

I'm going to go over and tell him the good news about my retiring. Oh, from

on, Ward, I'm going to smother you with love.

I know. Every day, every night.

I know, Ward. I'll be right back.

And back and back and back and back and back and back.

That's something I've always admired about you. Nobody can empty a room

than Maude Finley.

Where did it go? What happened to my life?

My daughter is leaving home.

My grandson is leaving home. My best friends are leaving home.

My husband is coming home.

Oh, I'm sorry, Irene. It's just that my life ended tonight.

Your own life? And thank God.

What about your new life?

Is my assistant... you'll be working your butt off representing me here in

Tuckahoe.

The job.

I completely forgot about the job.

You'll be at it 12, 14 hours a day, just like me, meeting with business leaders,

political leaders, religious leaders, labor leaders, and every other screwball

with a complaint.

I have a whole new life.

And then next year, another exhausting election campaign.

That's why I need you, Maude. You're strong like me, a tough yazoo.

Happy days are here again, and the skies are far, far clearer than...

Maude, you'll have a job as long as I live.

Oh, Irene, what a...

Wonderful thing to say. I'll have a job as long as you live. Oh, happy days are

here again. And the skies above are clear again. So let's sing a song of...

In life, Congresswoman McElhaney was a source of inspiration to us.

So join me now in bidding a final farewell to a dear friend and a great

Congresswoman, Irene McElhaney.

Good night, Irene.

I have prepared a few words in tribute to our dear friend, Irene McElhaney.

But I'm going to set that aside and speak from the heart.