Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first brawler.

Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's... That uncompromising, enterprising, anything

but tranquilizing... Yes,

Carol, everything's wonderful.

Fine. Yes, Philip is home. Oh, and Carol, he really misses you terribly.

Grandma! Yeah, just...

I just made my shoe list. Do we have any extra ones? Yeah, in your top drawer.

Honey, your mother's calling from Cleveland. She wants to talk to you.

talk now. My date's going to be here any minute. Philip, it's been two weeks

since she's seen you. She wants to talk to you.

Hi, Mom. I'll leave you. Goodbye.

Carol?

No, no, he isn't on anything.

Carol. Philip, your little boy.

is in L -O -V -E.

Yes, yes, he's in love for the first time.

No, no, no, no, it's not Samantha.

I don't know, it's some new girl. I haven't met her yet. Her name is Diane

Harding. Yeah, aw, Carol is so sweet.

You know, it reminds me of the first time I fell in love. I don't know

ever told you about him. His name was Dwayne Parrish.

Yes, and he...

Yes, I know this is long distance and you're paying for the call.

He was on our high school gym team.

Beautiful butt.

What do you mean you couldn't care less?

I'll tell you, Dwayne was a hell of a lot more exciting than that little

that you first brought home.

Carol?

Hello?

Would you believe it, Walter?

My own daughter hung up on me.

Maybe I should have breastfed her.

Is Philip really that nuts about this new girl? Oh, crazy about her. And

apparently she feels the same way about him because Philip told me that she

agreed to go study with him.

Oh, Walter, 15 years old.

What a beautiful time in his life.

You can say that again.

I know what it's like to be in love in 15. I went through it myself.

Oh, darling, I'm so glad you understand.

Philip, he's $20 for a date.

$20 for a date? Tony, you just said you went through the same thing yourself.

Yeah, but it only cost me a quarter for crazy Shirley on the roof.

Walter, you romantic devil, you.

Now I know why you took me to the starlight roof on our first date.

Thought you'd get lucky with Crazy Maude.

Only I wasn't crazy and you weren't lucky.

Still fork over the money.

Grandma, does this tie look okay with this jacket?

Oh, no, honey, that's much too dressy.

Here, this one will be perfect.

Oh, that's my new tie.

Honey, this is an important night for Philip.

Okay, but be careful with that tie, Philip. Don't leave it anywhere.

He's not going to be taking off the tie. His date isn't with Crazy Shirley.

sweetheart, what time is it? Aren't you late?

Oh, I still have about five minutes left.

Philip.

What's the matter, girl? Philip, you are wearing a Mickey Mouse watch.

Well, it's the only one I have.

Philip, you can't go out on an important date with a Mickey Mouse watch.

Only little boys wear Mickey Mouse watches.

What?

This one's a Donald Duck.

Wilder, what are you doing with the Donald Duck one?

For one thing, it's not Donald Duck.

It's Dickie Duck.

Ah.

A salesman gave it to me as a gag.

Well, it keeps darn good time.

And it has an alarm.

You set it for a certain time and it quacks.

I am married to a man who wears a watch that quacks.

Let us pray.

Dear Lord, in our moment of strife... Okay, Lord, okay.

Grandma, do we have any brown shoe polish?

Oh, Philip, you're not wearing brown shoes.

Well, they're the only decent shoes I've got. Philip, young men wear black shoes

in the evening.

Oh, would you leave him alone? If he doesn't have any black shoes, he doesn't

have any black shoes.

Philip can't wear my shoes. They're too big for him. Not anymore.

First my tie, then my shoes.

Anything else you need?

Walter, you don't have a runny nose, do you?

No. Good.

Philip, this should add a nice touch to your outfit.

It's an outfit. It's my outfit. Maybe I should go out on the date.

Walter, don't be ridiculous. You can't go out looking like that.

Oh, that must be Diana.

car. The car?

Oh, uh, someone's driving us.

Oh, no, it's Sam.

Samantha? Well, honey, let her in.

No, I told her this afternoon on the phone that I had the 24 -hour flu.

Grandma, get rid of her.

Philip, I don't understand.

I don't want Sam to know that I'm going out with another girl.

Grandpa, you know about women. You're a man of the world.

I guess you could call me a man of the world.

did you lie to Sam?

I mean, don't you like her anymore?

Well, sure.

I mean, I like her a lot.

Not the way I like Diane.

Sam's just a kid.

Look, Philip, we have to answer the door.

Grandma, don't fail me. Tell her I'm sick and I can't see her.

Can you believe that kid?

He actually wants you to lie for him. Well, he's still young.

Hello, Sam. How nice.

Come on in, dear. Thanks, Mr. Finley.

Hi, Mr. Finley.

I thought I'd come over because Philip sounded so awful on the phone.

Do you really think it's the 24 -hour flu?

Sam, we're not going to lie.

It's not the flu.

It's not?

Well, what is it?

Telemord.

It's double pneumonia.

Double pneumonia?

Walter, I didn't want to tell you. I thought it would upset you too much.

Didn't Philip be in the hospital or something?

Oh, no, no, no. He'll be on his feet in no time. It's just a 24 -hour double

pneumonia.

But no visitors tonight.

I'll tell Philip that you came by, Sam. Thanks so much. Good night.

Good night.

You know, Mr. Finley, things like this are very easy to catch.

You shouldn't be walking around without shoes.

Maud, why did you lie to that girl?

Well, for one thing, Walter.

I like to lie.

I'm very good at it.

What?

Maybe I shouldn't have lied to Sam, but I didn't want her to be hurt.

I want everything to go smoothly tonight.

Honey, Philip, my grandson is in love for the first time. This is a very

important night for him.

It's probably Diane.

Boy, in my time, no 15 -year -old girl would be allowed to go over to a boy's

house and pick him up.

Except for Crazy Shirley. She'd pick you up anyway.

Mrs. Finley?

Yes? I'm Diane Harding.

You're Diane Harding?

Yes, I'm sorry I'm late, but my roommate and I were moving into our new

apartment.

You're Diane Harding?

Diane, I thought you were going to honk. Hi, Philip.

You're Diane Harding?

Oh, yeah.

So you're Diane Harding.

I'm Mr. Finley, although you'd probably be more comfortable calling me Walter.

He's my grandfather, and this is my grandmother.

Very happy to meet you both.

You're...

The Diane Harding who is going steady with Philip? Uh -huh.

For some reason, you do not look 15.

Well, that's probably because I'm 19.

But she won't be 19 till next month.

You're 19 and you're in Philip's class at school?

Oh, no, no, no. I'm a freshman at Hunter College. I'm majoring in law.

Oh. Are you familiar with the Mann Act?

Oh, yes, yes, Walter. I was wondering when you were going to say something.

Uh, Diane, Mr. Pindley has something to say to you, Walter.

Well,

Diane, we better get going.

I made the dinner reservation for seven. Yes, nice meeting you both.

Run after them! Save Philip from that woman!

I can't... He's wearing my shoes.

Yes, Carol, everything's just fine.

Philip's date last night? Oh, Diane's a lovely woman.

Did I say woman, Carol?

I meant girl.

I told you, I went through exactly the same thing in high school with Dwayne

Parrish.

Yes, I thought I was madly in love with him until the night of the junior prom

when I suddenly became interested in Billy Burton.

You see, he cut in on Dwayne and the band was playing Dancing in the Dark.

Hello.

Rotten kid.

Hi, Maude.

Is Philip home yet? No, darling, it's after six.

I'm afraid that Diane may have picked him up after school. Oh, Walter, why

didn't you talk to him this morning the way I asked you to?

I did talk to him.

Oh, good. Did you straighten everything out?

I think I did.

What did you say to him?

Well, we talked about the age difference.

Then I told him that no matter how blonde Diane is or...

How cute she is, you know, with that little turned -up nose and those full

And no matter how terrific her figure is, forget the sensational legs.

I said he shouldn't see her anymore.

No, you shouldn't see her anymore.

Hi. Hi, folks.

Marty, we heard the news.

Too bad.

Oh, Maude, we're just so sorry for you.

Sorry for what?

Well, the minute Carol goes out of town and you're left in charge of your

grandson, he starts running around with an older woman.

You must feel just awful.

I'd like to tell you not to blame yourself, but what good would that do?

got to blame yourself when you can't even control your own grandson.

Poor old granny.

Uh,

Vivian.

Your grandmother died at a very early age, didn't she?

Yes.

Walter, Vivian's grandmother took her own life shortly after Vivian learned to

talk.

Wait a minute. Now, wait a minute. Things are getting out of hand. Vivian,

one thing, this girl isn't even 19 years old.

You make her sound like a middle -aged hussy.

She's just a young, cute, blonde, gorgeous little...

Oh, maybe it's just puppy love.

Now, I remember when I was about 19, there was this young boy who lived next

door, and he was always coming over to my house, you know, and hanging around.

And Mother said, Now, Vivian, don't worry. It's just puppy love.

And you know what?

She was right.

He loved my puppy.

Please, Viv, I am in no mood for jokes. Marty, let me talk as a doctor. Arthur,

I just said I'm in no mood for jokes.

Look, I don't think any of you really understands. I mean, I can see where a

young boy might become interested in an older woman. That's normal. But what

does she see in Philip? I mean, what is she getting out of this?

I think I can answer that one, Marty.

Actually, although it's not always socially acceptable, it's not unusual

women to be attracted to younger men.

I remember when I was a young intern at Community General. There was this nurse,

Colette Bordeaux.

She was French.

Well, here I come, fresh out of medical school.

Colette takes one look at me.

Male, Caucasian, blonde hair, blue eyes, well -built, loaded with personality.

Any birthmarks or tattoos?

No.

Although, I had the cutest dimple right here on my chin.

It's the same one I've got now.

Well, needless to say, I was a good -looking stud.

And Colette being French took a shine to me.

She was always trying to get me along.

Once, we were both on the night shift. She actually tried to get me to have a

glass of champagne with her in the linen closet.

Well, as I said, it's not unusual for an older woman to be attracted to a

younger man.

How old was Colette?

63.

But I must say, she certainly didn't look it.

At least not in the linen closet.

I'm starving.

Hi. Oh, hi, Philip.

Philip. Where have you been? Why didn't you call?

Oh, well, Dinah and I were just downtown. They didn't have a payphone at

jewelry store.

You were in a jewelry store?

Philip, forgive me, but every time I think of a jewelry store, I think of

commitments. Please relieve my mind, Philip. Tell me that you and Diane just

went into that store to hold it up.

We were just looking around until I found out what she liked. Then I snuck

and bought it for her.

Do you like it? It's a gold anklet. Gold anklet.

Philip, that looks awfully expensive.

Oh, it was only $32.

$32 out of your savings on a gold anklet for a 19 -year -old girl?

I don't get it. Why is age so important?

Philip, you can be hurt.

Look, don't listen to me, Philip. What am I? I'm just a loving grandmother

trying to do her best. Listen to Dr.

Harmon. He just told us a heartbreaking story.

Aren't they that tragic story about you and the older woman?

Older woman?

Colette. Oh, yeah, Frenchie.

It's a situation something like you have with Diane, Philip.

She was only interested in one thing from me.

See, I arouse certain desires in her.

Well, you know what that means.

Wow. Maybe I should have bought her a more expensive gift.

Come on, Vivian. I can't do any good here. Philip is not interested in

benefiting from my experience.

Philip, stay out of linen closet.

Well, I better get dressed. Diane's picking me up in ten minutes.

Philip, how can I get through to you?

Look, I suppose that you're probably the only boy in the 11th grade who was

going around with a college girl, and I suppose that that makes you look like a

big man to the other boys.

Well, it makes me look pretty good to the girls, too.

Go to hell.

Philip, do you remember this morning when I had this man -to -man talk with

about Diane? Do you remember what I said about her?

I sure do.

Well, forget that.

Please tell me what's so wrong about going out with Diane.

Look, Philip, Philip, I don't want to interfere in your life. I really don't,

Philip. But your going around with Diane is wrong. Now, it is very difficult for

me to explain why.

Philip, I just wish you'd trust me and break off with her.

Grandma, if that's what you want, I'm glad you told me.

Because any advice you give me is always good advice.

You know...

I think I'm pretty lucky to have you as a grandmother.

And if you weren't my grandmother, I'd want you for my friend.

Well, I better go get ready for my date with Diane.

Philip.

You punk!

Don't feel bad, Maude. You know, I once saw John Boy pull that same thing on

Grandma Walter.

It's that woman.

I'll get it.

Good evening, Mr. Finley.

Walter.

Walter.

Hello, Mrs. Finley. Oh, hello, dear.

Philip should be down in a moment. He's running a little late. His Mickey Mouse

watch stopped.

I've got a Dickie Duck watch.

Oh, that's darling.

Walter, I'd like to speak with Diane for a few minutes. Do you mind? No, I'll

just set my watch. When you hear Dickie quacking, you'll know your time is up.

It's easy to see where Philip gets his sense of humor. No, it isn't.

Look, Diane, I'll be blunt.

I do not like your going out with Philip. I'm afraid you're exploiting

Exploiting?

Finley, that's not true.

Well, what else would you call it when a 19 -year -old woman goes out with a

little boy?

Well, he's not going to be a little boy for long.

He's growing up pretty fast.

Look how big his feet are. He was wearing his grandfather's shoes.

Well, he may be young, but he's a lot more fun on a date than most of the

college men I've been out with.

Philip is more fun than college men?

How?

Well, I don't know.

We just have a lot in common, that's all.

A lot?

You and Philip?

Name one thing. What, do you both read the same books?

Well, no.

Do you have the same friends?

Well, no, but... Well, tell me then. Name one thing that you and Philip have

common. We both love Star Wars.

Star Wars.

That's hardly anything to base a relationship on. My husband adores, so

that.

Look, admit it, Diane. You should be spending your time with men your own

Oh, sure.

That's what my parents always say. Date college men.

Well, college men only have one thing on their mind.

I'm tired of fighting my way out of parked cars.

You mean you don't like the pressure?

I hate it.

But you don't feel that with Philip you're in control?

Yeah.

Diane, do you hear yourself?

You go out with Philip because he's safe.

Well, all right.

if that's true.

What's so terrible about going out with someone because he's safe and sweet and

adorable?

Safe? You call me just because I'm safe, sweet, and adorable?

What a rotten thing to say about a guy.

Phillip, I'm sorry.

Look, Diane, if you feel that I'm safe, we're just going to have to stop dating.

I've got my reputation to think about.

Diane.

You will find a wonderful boy your own age who won't put this pressure on you.

But you have to keep looking.

You know, I fought my way out of hundreds of parked cars.

And then I found a sensitive, feeling, mature...

But

he died.

That's how I got together with Dickie Duck here.

Time's up, Mort. Yes, Walter, we know.

Philip.

Goodbye, Philip.

Good night, Mrs. Finley.

Mr. Finley.

Walter.

Wow.

What a kick in the pants to find out you're safe.

Come on, honey.

Soon you'll grow into your grandfather's shoes and then you can be dangerous,

too.

and I spent 32 bucks on this gold anklet.

Hey, you know what, Philip? Why don't you give it to Samantha?

Yeah, I should.

She doesn't think I'm too safe.

Why don't you call her and tell her we'll pick her up?

Your grandfather's taking us all out for chili burgers tonight.

Right, Walter?

VOD was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.