Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That'll compromise and enterprise and

anything but tranquilize. Right or not?

And now, Eugene, you can win a washer -dryer if you can correctly tell us what

your bride Beatrice answered when we asked her what was the most embarrassing

thing that happened on your wedding night.

Oh, he knows, he knows. She put a piece of wedding cake under my pillow and I

squished it.

You dummy! Tell him, isn't he a dummy?

Your little bride answered that the most embarrassing thing that happened to you

on your wedding night was you were impotent.

You'd think he'd remember that.

You told them that? Well, it's true.

You were just a complete fifth off. You stupid dodo. Well, our couple failed to

win the washer -dryer, but we'll be back tomorrow for Here Comes the Bride.

Now, stay tuned.

Oh, but aren't those young newlyweds just as cute as a bug in a rug?

Cute? They're disgusting.

I think they're cute. Oh, come on. Vivian, would you get on national TV and

the chance of winning a washer -dryer tell the world that on your wedding

Arthur was impotent? Of course not. Exactly my point.

Besides, it wasn't all his fault.

I was the one who insisted we order that last glass of champagne. Please,

Vivian, spare me the details.

Well, it looks like Victoria will be a newlywed pretty soon, huh? I don't think

so. I'm sure that she'll be staying on as my housekeeper for some time. Why?

Well, when she went off on that weekend camping trip with that young man, I

thought it meant something significant. It did. I believe it's called fun

trucking.

But I don't think they plan on getting married.

I mean, after all, Hank is still an intern at the hospital. He can't afford

get married now.

Oh, Walter's going to look so beautiful when we go out to dinner tomorrow. Look,

not a wrinkle.

I'm just so excited about our dinner date tomorrow night.

You know, Sheila Hackett said that just because that restaurant is in the

Lancelot Hotel, we shouldn't expect ordinary hotel food.

She said it's very continental.

Yeah. I've heard nothing but good things about the restaurant at the Lancelot.

They say the ambiance is wonderful.

Oh, good. I'll order that.

Did you get that, Viv? I want to hang up.

The bells are ringing.

Holy night.

Mrs.

Harmon, right? You remember me? I'm Victoria's father. Of course, Mr.

Butterfield. What a surprise. Come in, please. Thank you.

My goodness, did you come to Tuckhole all the way from that darling little

island of St... What's his name?

Norman. That's his name.

I'm charmed to see you again.

The last person I saw kiss a lady's hand like that was Charles Boyer in Hold

Back the Dawn.

That's where I picked it up.

Oh.

Well, please make yourself right at home. Thank you. You know, Victoria

mention you were coming.

Well, one of our stewards fell ill, and I'm just filling in for him. But

actually, I enjoy working the big 747 flight, you know, from Trinidad to New

York, and it gives me a chance to visit with my daughter.

Well, I hate to meet and run.

But I really have to be going. Maude will be in in a minute. Thank you. Oh, I

forgot to tell you, Victoria isn't here.

She's off on a weekend camping trip with her boyfriend, Hank.

Oh, but Mr. Butterfield, don't worry about a thing because Maude says there's

not a chance they'll be getting married. They're just, um, fun trucking.

Um, and Mr. Butterfield... Hey! Not another word.

Mr.

Butterfield, what a...

What a pleasant surprise.

Good afternoon, Mrs. Finlay.

Well, we never know when you airline people will show up, do we?

Unfortunately,

Victoria isn't here. She's off on a weekend with two or three or four

girlfriends. It has something to do with Bible study, I believe. I'm not quite

sure. Would you care for some coffee?

Bible study, eh?

Mrs. Finlay, I consider you to be one of the most immoral, deceitful, lying...

bodacious creatures to ever travel the face of this earth.

Well, we all have our faults.

Mrs. Finley, how dare you allow Victoria to go off on a camping trip and, as you

Americans say, shack up for the weekend?

How dare you? I resent the use of that expression, shack up. I assure you,

Victoria is not shacking up.

What would you call it, then?

Tenting up.

Tenting tonight on the old campground.

It's an old American custom. It's also an old American song. I can appreciate

your concern from Victoria, but I assure you she's doing nothing wrong.

She's in love.

Mrs. Finley, there is a difference between sex and love. Oh, but the

is so small.

Mrs. Finley, if Victoria's mother were to learn of this matter, it would kill

the poor woman.

Now, tonight.

I have to work on a 747 flying to Trinidad, but I shall return on Sunday,

shall take my daughter back to the West Indies with me. Now, look, Mr.

Butterfield, you cannot force Victoria to go home. Mrs. Trinidad, you leave me

no alternative.

I cannot permit Victoria to stay in this permissive atmosphere.

Victoria was taught to follow the righteous path in a God -fearing home.

It sounds to me as though it wasn't God she was afraid of, it was you.

Actually, there's really very little difference between us.

You think you're God, huh? You think you're perfect. Now I can tell you. Your

fly's open.

Come on, Wood. Cheer up. You're putting a damper on the whole

evening.

Walter's right, Ma. Now, we've been looking forward to this restaurant all

Please cheer up. How can I cheer up, Vivian? You heard Mr.

Butterfield. When he comes back from Trinidad, he's going to be taking

home. I have never met a man more old -fashioned, more straight -laced, more

stuffy. He does have a point, though.

I forgot about you, Arthur.

Well, you know we all love Victoria. She's a wonderful person, and she's just

like one of your family. And when she leaves, it's going to be like losing a

daughter. But are you going to let that tragedy ruin your whole evening?

Let's dance, baby.

Do something to cheer Maude up.

Captain?

Yes, sir?

Do you have frog's legs?

Yes. How do you keep them jumping out of your pants?

steak night for three.

Uh,

thanks. Never mind.

What? That was funny. Where's your sense of humor?

It's on the way to Trinidad in a 747.

Look, I don't want to ruin everybody's night. Why don't I go home and the three

of you have dinner? No, Ma.

Ma, you can't leave.

The evening won't be any fun without you.

Yes, it will.

Look, maybe if I go to the powder room and freshen up and then come back and

have a drink, maybe then I'll feel like having a good time. Honey, would you get

me a vodka martini on the right?

Move over.

Move over. Move over.

Mr.

Butterfield is sitting right behind us with a beautiful young girl.

Did he see you? No, no. He's sitting back there on the platform. Don't let

see you.

Where she

is, dear.

Butterfield can really pick up. Because he's a God -fearing man. What he is is a

born -again lech.

Now, wait a minute, Marty.

The man is not necessarily a roué.

I think we ought to give the man the benefit of the doubt.

Now, everybody knows on a crowded Friday night in a hotel restaurant, they

sometimes ask singles to sit together.

Maybe he's just sharing her table.

Look where his hand is. He's also sharing her knee.

Walter.

You know, Butterfield's flight might have been canceled, and the woman could

a stewardess.

It's not uncommon for two members of the same airline crew to have dinner

together. That's a very good explanation.

I bet it's perfectly innocent.

It's a marvelous dinner, George.

Would you please see that our usual brandies are sent up to the room?

Certainly, sir. And you're in room 747?

That's right.

Come along.

Good night,

Mr. Butterfield. Good night, Mr.

Trinidad.

Lord, Mr. Butterfield lied about taking a 747 to Trinidad.

No, but he's close. He's taking a Trinidad to 747.

Okay, I'll tell her.

And I'm glad you had a good time.

Who had a good time?

That was Hank calling. Victoria just dropped them off and she'll be right

I'll bet she had a great weekend. I'm sure she had a great weekend. I'm sure

father had a great weekend.

I'm the only one who had a miserable weekend.

I didn't sleep one wink all night because of Mr.

Butterfield. Don't worry, Mort.

I'll bet you Mr. Butterfield didn't get much sleep either.

That lucky duck.

Walter, it is not funny.

No, it's not funny, Mort.

It's inspirational.

Walter, it is not funny.

Now, come on. I think, you know, Mr. Butterfield has been so self -righteous

where Victoria's concerned, and yet he's staying in a hotel with a woman, a

woman half his age.

That lucky duck.

I have a little story that reminds me of what we're talking about.

There was once a little orphan boy who had a little pony.

And we loved very, very much. Well...

One day, the little pony

ran away into the woods.

The little orphan boy followed him.

And when he found him, Walter, do you know what he did?

He poured hot coffee on the pony's foot.

to see if you had any sensitivity at all.

Oh, hi.

Is Victoria back yet? Oh, no. She should be here any minute.

You know, Maude, maybe Victoria should know the truth about her father.

The lucky duck.

I think Walter has a point.

If Victoria finds out about Lola Trinidad, then she's not going to let

father run her life.

Vivian, I can't possibly tell Victoria that her father is fooling around with a

young woman. It would absolutely destroy her.

But, Maude, you love to destroy people.

Vivian, you know the story about the little oracle.

I saw the movie with Buzzy the Wonder Horse.

Roddy McDowell.

You know, I saw him the other night on the Rockford file.

Really?

Yes, and he hasn't aged much at all.

Well, Roddy McDowell has such a boyish face. No, no, no, I'm talking about

the Wonder Horse.

I saw Buzzy the Wonder Horse in Oats Must Fall.

Maud, remember?

Buzzy in Oats Must Fall?

Will the two of you stop talking about Buzzy the Wonder Horse? I'm very worried

about Victoria.

Her father's going to be here any minute.

very strange feeling all morning. And you know, I'm very intuitive.

You know, I inherited special powers of ESP from my grandmother.

Well, believe me, when I tell you Mr. Butterfield won't have the nerve to show

up here, he won't show up.

Wait a minute.

What?

That's him now.

S -P -S -T -I -N -K -S.

Mr. Butterfield, we were just talking about you. You remember Mrs. Harmon, my

husband, Walter.

Mr. Finley.

How was Trinidad?

As usual, a delight.

Walter!

Walter, darling, don't you have paperwork to do upstairs?

Say goodbye to Mr.

Duck.

Vivian. Oh, right.

Well,

I guess I'll just be mosey and long.

That's what they always used to say at the end of those Buzzy the Wonder Horse

movies. And then Buzzy the Wonder Horse would shake his head and go...

Charming woman.

And not a bad little horse.

I trust Victoria's upstairs packing, as I ordered.

Oh, actually, no.

No? My daughter is defying me. Oh, no, no, no. She's not defying you.

Well, what is it, Mrs. Finlay? Where is she? Why isn't she here right now?

Well, I have some very exciting news.

Victoria and her boyfriend, Hank, were secretly married last Friday. She just

called and confessed to me on the phone. They're on their honeymoon now. Isn't

that exciting? Well, I was just so delighted I told her she didn't have to

back here until Wednesday.

I'm home! Or this afternoon, if she prefers.

Oh, Father!

What a nice surprise.

I didn't expect you.

What happened?

I broke my toe.

Oh, my darling, I am so sorry.

How did that happen?

Our tent collapsed.

Go to your room and pack.

Pack? Victoria, I hope that this accident didn't spoil the honeymoon.

I'm afraid I let the cat out of the bag. I told your father that you and Hank

had gotten married.

You told my father I was married?

Victoria, look me in the eye. Tell me the truth.

Are you married?

you married?

No, Father.

Now, who are you going to believe, her or me?

Miss Finley. Will you stay out of this, Gimpy?

Victoria, I know what you did this weekend. Your conduct is disgraceful.

leaving this house.

I am not leaving this house.

Well, it will kill your poor mother when she learns of your behavior.

Mama?

You won't tell Mama?

I must.

I have no choice.

Unless, of course, you decide to go back to St. Norman with me.

I'll go back.

Mr. Butterfield, I cannot believe that you would stoop to threatening the poor

girl's mother.

It's a matter of integrity.

I've always been straightforward and honest with Victoria's mother.

I have no secrets from my wife.

May I suggest one?

I don't receive your meaning.

Does the word Trinidad mean anything to you?

Trinidad is a very beautiful island.

Surrounded on all sides by a middle -aged family man from the West Indies.

I just received your meeting.

I take it you were at the Launcelot Hotel last night?

Right, and from what I gather, you prance a lot at the Launcelot.

It's entirely innocent.

I see I must explain to you.

You see, Lola Trinidad was a tiny babe in our island.

Her mother died giving birth to her in a cane field.

And then her father, in a desperate effort to get milk for the child, was

in a fall from a coconut tree.

Yes, it was after that that the polio struck.

Polio?

You would have been saddened to have seen those little limbs.

We others in the village banded together to get her the best medical care. I was

the leader in that effort.

Thank the Lord, the child recovered.

And today, Lola Jinadad is a fashion model in New York City.

And now whenever I get a chance, I try to have dinner with her just to reassure

myself that she is healthy.

It's a very moving story.

But a happy one.

Lola. has the complete youth of her legs.

And so do you.

You didn't buy it.

Not one word of it.

Well, it was worth a shot.

Well, I assume that at least now you'll let Victoria stay here.

Certainly not.

Nothing has changed.

Victoria's conduct was disgraceful. Disgraceful? You're the one who's

disgraceful. You are a married man. You don't care anything about your wife's

feelings. Mrs. Finley, how dare you? You're speaking about the mother of my

child. I adore my wife.

She is an angelic woman.

She is a pure woman.

She is a saint.

Wait a minute. Who are you married to down there? Debbie Boone?

Come, come, come, Mrs. Finley. You're a woman of the world. You understand these

things. Although I adore my wife, occasionally I get a little itch.

And when that happens, I like to get my back scratched.

My husband just rubs himself against the doorway.

Well, as we say in St. Norman, different strokes for different folks.

Well, I think you're disgraceful. You're immoral. You're unrepentant. Come,

come, Mrs. Finley. You're beginning to sound like Debbie Boone yourself.

And I might add, Pat.

would never allow Debbie to go off on a shameful weekend.

In other words, you're saying that what's good for the old goose is not

necessarily proper for the young gander. I hardly consider myself an old goose.

Well, if I were you, I'd take another gander.

Mrs. King, what Victoria did was wrong because she is a young woman.

My case is different. I am a man.

Ah!

The old... double standard.

Ah, a student of history.

Ah, shut up.

You cannot use being a man as an excuse.

Well, it works with Lola.

Does your wife know about this?

Oh, heavens, no.

It would kill the poor woman.

She's a saint. She has no business living anywhere.

What about Victoria?

Would she understand?

Oh, no, no, no.

It would hurt her deeply.

Well, Mr. Butterfield, the choice is up to you. Shall we hurt your daughter or

kill your wife?

How much time do we have left, Father?

Victoria, I've been having a very enlightening conversation with dear,

Finlay.

And she has pointed it out to me that...

Perhaps I am wrong to insist that you live up to my high moral standard.

Naturally, being a bit straight -laced, I cannot condone today's permissive

society. On the other hand, Vicky, I love you enough to let you lead your own

life. Of course, you may stay.

Oh, Father, thank you.

Oh, I'm sorry I got lipstick on your collar.

Didn't even change his shirt.

You know, I'm very proud of you. You have made Victoria very happy.

But you didn't really think that I would say anything to either your wife or to

Victoria, did you? Of course not. I never thought you would.

Then what made you change your mind?

Well, Mrs. Finley, you have a way of putting things. You are a very...

intelligent woman.

I might add, you were a very handsome woman the first time I saw you. You were

very exciting.

You were like an uncharted island, just waiting, waiting to be discovered. Thank

you very much. Sit down. You know, I have a little story I want to tell you.

I was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.