Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her.

She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That ain't compromising, enterprising,

anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Come on, Walter. Now, come on. We're going to be on the air in 15 minutes. I

want to rehearse this number. Okay.

Hit it, Bob.

We are just a couple of song and dance men.

I'm the song.

I'm the dance.

Ladies,

knock off the ooh -wahs.

Look, Walter, it's such a simple step that I showed you. Now, please, watch it

again.

Isn't that graceful?

How aesthetic, don't I remind you of Shirley MacLaine in The Turning Point?

A little bit more like Seattle's slew in The Prickness.

Walter, why can't you cooperate?

Walter, this has to be perfect so that we can raise enough money to send little

baby Sally to see that orthopedic specialist in Switzerland.

Maybe he'll be able to find out why she suddenly lost the use of her little

legs. Come on now.

Ah, look at this courageous little child.

A prisoner in her wheelchair, the sweet adored... Say

you're sorry, baby Sally.

No!

That's all right, honey. Accidents will happen.

Like when you ran over my foot yesterday.

Get her out of here.

Oh, I swear she did that on purpose.

Don't be ridiculous.

You're probably right.

Walter, will you excuse me?

Reggie. Reggie.

Do you have the old film of Baby Sally dancing?

Well, of course he's got the film, Marty. That's why we hired Reggie

the best in the business. Ah, come on, guy, huh?

Remember, Wad?

I've raised over a million dollars in six different telethons. And in all

modesty, I can say that when the people of Tuckahoe think of disease, they think

of me.

I tell you, Reggie, the Baby Sally telethon is an inspired idea. Ah,

A talented child whose dancing career was cut short by a mysterious leg

paralysis. We appeal to all Tuckahoeans to help that child dance again.

All right, Hal, will you roll the Baby Sally telethon? All right.

You know, this will tear their hearts out.

Do we really want her to dance again?

I want you to keep these Gooberman twins away from the pies.

Yes. If pies are missing, that could be serious. We could run out of pies.

We're giving a free pie to anyone who donates over $5. We are not stealing the

pies. Oh, don't you hand me that. I smell meringue on your breath.

to this telephone. Oh, you are not going to recite that cornball, the country

doctor. We'd get more dignity having Robert Blake come out to show us his

hairball collection.

What? That's the name of that tune.

Reggie said I could do it.

I mean, why pay the man $15 ,000 as a professional advisor and then not listen

to him?

Hey, my recitation is dynamite. Wait till you see me rehearse it.

We are paying you $15 ,000.

For what?

Well, that's my fee for the telethon. I have an ironclad contract with you

lovely people.

Reggie, isn't it a little out of the ordinary to charge $15 ,000 to help a

crippled child?

Yes. I was going to charge $20 ,000, but your cause touched my heart.

You old softy.

Maude, have you memorized that beautiful speech I wrote for you? No, Reggie, I

might as well tell you I'm not going to do it. I don't like it. It makes me

sound like a combination of Amy Semple McPherson and the Kingfish. It's

I mean, that's how you get people to give money for a kid in a wheelchair.

Make them feel guilty they can walk.

Shh, shh. I'll get a number.

Then here's feelings for you.

The country doctor, though stooped and bent and gray of hair, the country

doctor's always there.

Through rain and sleet and blowing snow, the country doctor's on the go.

Through swollen rivers, his horses swim and when help is needed for pregnant

women.

He clicks the whip, the paster quicken, though he knows he'll be paid with only

a chicken.

I'll say it was something. It's the first time I've ever seen one horse's

followed by two horses for tooties.

Baby Sally said that since this is a comedy, she has something that she

is funny.

What is that, dear?

What?

What is it, dear?

We've got one minute to air. You've got to rehearse your pitch. Look, Reggie,

I... Please, Maude, please, just trust me. I mean, you've got to do it at least

once before, you know, we go on the air, all right?

Maude, make them feel that their money will give you the power to bring about a

miracle. Here, now just stand right here, right here. All right? Okay, go

Uh, ladies and gentlemen, fellow Tuckahoyans, we are doing this telethon

for the benefit of one person, one tiny little person.

who is a prisoner in a wheelchair, the victim of a mysterious malady.

That's where the chorus comes in.

Her name is Baby Sally.

She is that lovely, talented, courageous little child who has danced her way

into our hearts.

We can make enough money to send little baby Sally to Switzerland where

specialists can put the magic back into those little legs.

Yes, ladies and gentlemen, with your help.

year old boy in Tarrytown for $85.

He got the money from his daddy's wallet.

Isn't that cute?

It's beautiful.

A child stealing from his parents to help another child.

That's America to me.

All right. Now, ladies and gentlemen, we have a rare film clip of

Baby Sally, before tragedy, struck at her tap shoes.

I personally can't watch because it tears my heart out.

Well,

what did I tell you? Almost eight grand in pledges already.

Gee, what you're doing is deceitful.

Baby Sally is cured. We have to stop... the show.

Obviously, the little girl couldn't walk because she was suffering from an

hysterical paralysis.

Now, I have just examined her and she's perfectly all right now.

You have got to stop this show or you'll be guilty of taking money under false

pretenses. We all will. And I will have no part of that. And I agree totally

with Arthur. But remember, I have a contract with you lovely people.

Neither we raise that money through the telethon or my $15 ,000 fee will have to

come out of your pockets.

On with the show!

Look at our thermometer. It tells me that we've already received about $7

in pledges, and that is terrific.

And speaking of pledges and thermometers, our next number is

with Carol Traynor and the girls. It's guaranteed to make everybody's

temperature rise.

Never know how much I love you.

Never know how much I care.

When you put your arms around me, I get a fever that's so hard to bear. You give

me fever.

Reggie, I know you have a trap with this contract, but would you actually

perpetrate a fraud just to collect your $15 ,000?

I'd do anything for $15 ,000.

Mark, I have an idea.

What? Well, you cured Baby Sally when you were rehearsing your speech and you

said, dance, Baby Sally, dance.

Baby Sally jumped out of her wheelchair and started to dance. You performed a

miracle. You had the power to get her out of that wheelchair.

So... Maybe you have the power to put her back in that wheelchair.

Well, she only has to be paralyzed until the end of the show.

Vivian, have you been sniffing that wheat germ again?

Just a second.

She's given me a better idea, Maude.

After we've raised enough money to pay my fee, then we could... Well, you could

bring Baby Sally back out in the wheelchair, do the same speech again,

she'll get up and dance, and then we'll recreate...

The whole miracle on television. The audience will think the telethon cured

Sally. That is disgusting. We do it all the time on television.

It's called instant replay.

Oh, listen, there's your music. It's time for you to sing to Baby Sally. All

right, all right. I'll do the song, but we're going to talk about this later.

Here she is, ladies and gentlemen, unable to get out of this wheelchair.

Though your heart is aching Smile Even though it's breaking

When there are clouds In the sky

You'll get by If you smile Through

your tears and sorrow Smile And maybe tomorrow

You'll see the sun Come shining through

for you light up your face with gladness

hide every trace of sadness although

a tear

see that life is still worthwhile if you just

smile.

Light up your face with gladness.

Hide every trace of sadness.

Although a tear may be ever so near.

If you

just...

Did

you see the news?

We just passed the $15 ,000 mark. We've collected my fee.

All right, now let's everyone get ready for the finale. Maude, prepare to

recreate your miracle. Look, I will not have anything to do with a phony

miracle. Well, then I'm just going to have to sue you for every cent you got.

Wipe out your savings, put a lien on your house. Not my house.

That's all I have.

It's lasted me through four husbands.

Maude, don't let him take away our house.

Come on, the guy wants a miracle. Give him a miracle.

I do. I can't.

Everyone.

Places for the phenomenal.

Well,

now that money is rolling in and the pies are rolling out. And now, ladies

gentlemen, our entire ensemble tells you what this telethon is all about.

You go home and get your scanties and away we'll go.

Oh,

I'm going to shuffle, shuffle off the buffalo.

No, don't ask me. I won't dance.

Don't ask me. I won't dance.

Madame.

a little closer please like a rose that blows in every breeze

and he could collect his $15 ,000 fee. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, that is what

he gets in the name of sweet charity.

What? You are a dumb person. Television has no place to be telling the truth.

was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.