Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

Then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right on, Maude.

Yes, operator.

My name is Maude Findlay.

Yeah.

271 Elm Street.

Yeah. Could you tell me what my new phone number is?

See, I had my number changed yesterday, but the serviceman forgot to put the new

number on the dial.

I should call my old number and they'll give me my new number. No, I don't think

that'll work.

No, you see, because my new number is unlisted.

What do you mean you can't give me my new number if it's unlisted?

It's my number and it's unlisted because I have been receiving obscene phone

calls lately.

Have you ever had an obscene phone call, operator?

You haven't.

Well, you're going to get one if you don't give me money.

All right, let me speak to your supervisor.

Walter, did you remember the Irish whiskey? Dr. Farrington only drinks

whiskey. I got the Irish whiskey.

I hope that new number's going to put a stop to that obscene phone call. It

will. I mean, if I can't get our new number, I don't know how he can.

Oh, yeah.

You're a supervisor?

You're not a recording, are you?

Good. I'm not either.

My name is Maude Findley, and I've gotten several obscene phone calls.

I did get a new number yesterday, but you see, the serviceman forgot to put

number on the dial, so I'm calling to find out what it is.

Of course, I'll hold.

Walter, did you get coffee? Dr.

Farrington loves espresso coffee after dinner. I got the espresso coffee. Boy,

you're sure making a fuss over this new psychiatrist.

No, why not, Walter?

I mean, during the two weeks that Dr.

Farrington's been filling in for Dr.

Phillips, I have just made enormous strides.

I'm suddenly able to put things in their proper perspective.

Minor irritations don't upset me. I've found an inner peace, a tranquility.

What do you mean you can't give out an unlisted number?

It is my number. Remember, you jerk!

I'm sorry.

I'm sorry, I'm sorry, I'm sorry. I know you're just doing your job, but you see,

the serviceman didn't put the number on my phone.

No, I don't remember his name.

He was just an average -looking man. Oh, except for one thing. He wore a

princess phone on his belt.

Thank you very, very much. I'd appreciate that.

We're going to call right back with our new number.

Walter, do you see now what Dr. Farrington has done for me?

I started to explode, and then I suddenly thought, no, this too shall

And I was able to accept the situation calmly.

Holy smoke, I got scotch instead of Irish whiskey. Dummy!

I'll get the ice.

Oh, Maude. Oh, poor Maude. That...

Filthy, obscene person call again.

What revolting things did he say?

Go on, Maude, unburden yourself.

Share with me those disgusting, dirty words.

I didn't get any more phone calls.

Oh.

Maude, I've been thinking about those obscene phone calls you've been getting,

and I have a theory.

Oh, what's that, Arthur? He's got the wrong number.

Arthur, what are you talking about?

Oh, no offense, Marty.

But you just don't strike me as the kind of woman, one of those guys that go to

the trouble of calling.

Oh, Arthur,

how can you say that?

I'll bet there are plenty of men who would like nothing better than to get on

the phone and call Maude a lot of dirty names.

Don't help, Viv.

Now, look, when Dr. Farrington gets here, I want you both to make him feel

really at home.

I mean, he is very special. He has done wonders for me.

You know, Maude, I've often thought I'd like to see a psychiatrist.

Vivian, don't be ridiculous.

You don't have any problems. You lead a marvelous life.

You have a perfect marriage, a beautiful home, an attractive, successful

husband.

You don't need to see a psychiatrist.

Arthur, maybe you should see a psychiatrist.

Of course, you'd never meet anyone like Dr.

Farrington. Oh, I don't know why he wants to leave and move his practice out

California. Oh, that's not hard to understand.

California is a land of dates and nuts.

Whenever you have a date, she's nuts.

I guess I'm the only person here with a sense

of humor.

Oh, Walter, will you get that? It's probably Hubie Binder.

Hubie?

Why did you invite him?

Hubie Binder is an awful bore.

Well, who are you, Dick Cavett?

Look, Hubie is a very shy, lonely little man, and I feel sorry for him. Vivian,

give me a hand with the hors d 'oeuvre. Boy, Farrington's a psychiatrist, I'm a

surgeon, Hubie's a foot doctor. Medically speaking, we got this party

from head to toe.

Please, Arthur, please, Arthur, no more of those jokes. I'm bringing open food

out.

Hi, Hubie. Come in. Oh, thanks, Walter.

Hello, Arthur. Hi, Hubie.

Walter, I brought this corsage for Maud.

She's not too bad, Hubie. She already ate.

No, this is for her to wear.

Hubie, I'm making a joke.

About what?

Never mind.

Hi, Hubie.

Oh. Hello, Vivian.

Hello, Maude. Hello, Hubie. I'm so glad you were free tonight.

Oh, I'm free every night. I never get invited anyplace.

Because, well, you know, I'm a foot doctor, and for some strange reason,

everybody thinks that's boring.

So I just stay home alone and watch TV.

I'm really surprised you asked me here. Hubie, I was looking over my guest list

and suddenly realized that I had forgotten the most important thing.

What? The life of the party.

Me? Oh, you must have heard about the foot doctor's Christmas party when I

as a can of Destinex.

It was a dream.

I had holes in my hat and I squirted powder on everybody.

It's hard to believe that you stay home every night and watch TV.

By the way, what are we celebrating tonight?

Not that it matters. I'm just happy to be here. Well, no, you see, Dr.

Farrington is this marvelous psychiatrist who has been filling in

regular psychiatrist was on vacation.

So tonight is sort of a farewell cocktail party.

Hey, Hubie.

Yeah? Ask me where he's going.

Where's he going?

California. The land of dates and nuts?

Whenever you have a date, she's nuts?

It's not funny, Hubie.

Oh, Maude, I almost forgot.

This corsage is for you.

How sweet.

You don't often see brown gardenias.

Vivian, would you put this in the fridge, please? In the freezer section.

Put it in yourself.

Vivian. Well, I never get anything, and you always get everything.

First dirty phone calls, now brown gardenias.

Dirty phone calls?

That's right, Hubie. For the last couple of weeks, some creep has been making

obscene phone calls to Maud.

Boy, dirty phone calls to a nice lady like you, Maud. That's thick.

That's probably our guest of honor.

Hello, Maud. Hope I'm not late. Not a bit. Come in, Doctor.

Everybody, I would like you to meet my new hero.

Dr. Maxwell Farrington. It's a great pleasure, Dr. Farrington. I'm Walter

Findley, Ward's husband. How do you do? I'm Dr. Arthur Harmon, well -known

surgeon. Hello. I'm Vivian Harmon, his little -known wife.

Why don't you be buying the life of the party?

Well, it looks like you have a delightful little group here.

Oh, my God.

What is it? What's the matter?

That's him.

That's him. That's the obscene phone caller.

I'll get it.

Maude, it must be the phone company with your new number.

Of course, of course. Excuse me.

Excuse me.

Hello?

Yes, yes, this is the Findlay residence.

Thank you. One moment. Does anybody have a pencil?

Yeah, I've got one.

Yeah, what?

555 -4171.

Thank you so much. May I borrow you?

What is that number again?

555... 555 -4171.

7 -1.

Thank you, Hubie. Walter, why don't you give Arthur a hand and make drinks for

everyone?

I'm sorry, Dr. Farrington.

Maude told me that you like Irish whiskey, but I got scotch by mistake. I

that's all right.

Walter, stop apologizing.

Dr. Farrington is the most well -adjusted man I know. I'm sure he can

this little problem.

Of course.

There's no problem here at all.

Just run down to the store and get me some Irish whiskey.

I'll run to the liquor store.

No, Hubie, I'll go.

No, Walter, that's okay. I have to pick up some banaca anyway.

Walter, keep the party rolling until I come back.

Doctor, I understand that you're going to go to California.

That's right.

The land of dates and nuts.

I believe it's in the Old Testament.

Maude, I'm delighted to see you in such good spirit.

Thank to you, Doctor.

I want to thank you too, Doctor.

You're the one who's helped her through this crisis.

Well, she's a very good patient.

And she trusts me.

She's been able to communicate her fear and her frustrations, her hostility, her

anxieties, her anger, her rage, her misery.

She told me the same thing last night.

Who could that be? Nobody knows our new number.

It's him.

It's him. It's the obscene phone caller.

I'll get it.

We don't want to tie up the line all night.

Let me in.

Hello.

Stop right there, sir.

Don't say another word.

I'm Dr.

Farrington. I'm a psychiatrist, and I think I can help you.

Please, just let me give you my office number so that you can... Hello?

He hung up.

It was your caller, Maude.

Did he say the same disgusting things to you he always says to Maude?

I'm afraid he did.

Like what?

Vivian!

Now, wait a minute.

How did he get the new number? We just got it ourselves.

That's right.

The only ones who know your new unlisted number are right here in this room.

Yeah, except for Hubie.

Hubie Binder!

Of course!

He even wrote the number down.

Wait till I get my hands on that little creep.

Hubie Binder? It couldn't be Hubie. He's so sweet. He's so innocent.

Come on, Mort. Who else could it be?

Only a simpleton would write down the number while we're all watching and then

run right out and make that call. It is Hubie, isn't it?

Well, at least we know who the obscene caller is. That's very important.

Hubie Binder.

Hubie Binder said all those...

Disgusting, revolting things to me. You know, somehow he sounds much taller on

the phone.

Hubie Binder, I can't believe it.

Sweet, gentle Hubie Binder. The man's a dirty creep.

I'm going to belt him the minute he comes through the door.

No, Walter.

Violence is not the answer to this problem.

We have to handle this psychiatrically.

The doctor is right. Oh, yes, of course. Doctor, now that the mystery is solved

and we know who the obscene phone caller was, there's still one thing I'd like

to know.

What's that?

What were those words he said to you, Maude?

Vivian, why are you so preoccupied with what an obscene phone caller would say?

I'm not preoccupied, but if I don't know what words they use, how will I know

when I get one?

I'll tell you what, Viv.

I'm having Hubie arrested. When he gets to jail, he's allowed one phone call.

I'll give him your number.

Walter, we can't have Hubie arrested. Now, let's look at the thing in

perspective.

Now, Hubie is very shy and very lonely.

He obviously finds me physically attractive.

Oh, I inflamed some animal passion and his only outlet for his lust was a phone

call. Isn't that what you would say, Doctor?

I would say that you remind him of his mother.

That's just what I was going to say.

Vivian, you're right on the brink of hearing those dirty words.

I don't quite understand, Dr. Farrington, what you mean when you say

reminds Hubie of his mother.

Well, it's, uh...

A case of latent hostility, the son lashing out at the mother image.

So the result is an obscene phone call. Hubie has been a very dear friend, and I

would like to do something for him.

Give him a roll of dimes for Mother's Day.

Walter, stop that.

May I make a suggestion?

Well, of course, Doctor.

Doctor Binder needs special attention. I think the best course of action would

be to say nothing to him when he returns.

We'll just break up the party, and I'll ask him to take a drive with me. Good

idea, Doctor.

I think that's wonderful.

Oh, that's you, B. What do we do, Doctor?

Relax, be yourselves, act normal.

Good idea. We'll just all act normal.

you answer the door.

Gee, I'm glad everybody's still here.

When nobody answered the door, I thought you'd all gone away and forgot I was

even invited to the party.

It wouldn't be the first time that happened.

You know, we couldn't possibly forget about you.

I brought your Irish whiskey, Dr.

Farrington. I hate to be the one to break up the party, but I'm afraid it's

for us to be going.

when you're polishing a banister.

It must be later than I thought.

Dr. Binder, why don't you let me drive you home?

I guess my watch must have stopped. I have five minutes to seven.

What time is it?

9 .40.

You better call the time operator. Hold it right there!

Keep your dirty mouth away from my phone, you little sickie!

Walter, don't talk that way.

Remember what Dr.

Farrington said. We have to handle this situation with humanity and compassion.

What are you talking about? Now, damn well what I'm talking about!

We know all about you, Hubie.

You're lucky we don't have you arrested for what you've been doing.

Arrested? Since when is it against the law to be boring?

You're the one who's been making these obscene phone calls to Maud.

Me? You think I'm the one?

We know you are, Dr. Binder.

You're wrong.

Honest, I couldn't make an obscene phone call. I don't know enough dirty words

to carry on a decent conversation.

Hubie.

Hubie, you're the only one who knew this new number.

Now, Hubie, we all want to help you.

I'll get it.

He's here in the room, Viv.

Oh. Oh, you answer it.

Hello? Let's talk outside, Dr. Binder.

Yes, this is Maude Findlay.

What? You did?

A few minutes ago.

Very strange.

Thank you.

I don't understand. That was the phone company.

They said that they called here a few minutes ago to check on our new number

spoke... with a Dr.

Farrington.

But how can that be? Dr.

Farrington was talking to the obscene phone caller.

And that's Huey Binder. Why would I make an obscene phone call to Dr.

Farrington?

Maybe Dr.

Farrington was talking to the phone company and pretending that he was

to Huey Binder.

Because Yubi Binder is not the obscene phone caller.

Well, I have to get an early start in the morning. Nice to meet you all. Not

fast, Farrington.

Admit it. You're the one who was making the obscene phone calls, not Yubi

Binder. Maude, that's ridiculous. No, no.

When you answered the phone, you pretended that you were talking to Hubie

Binder, the obscene phone caller. But in reality, it was the phone company. They

had called back because the first time they called, they gave us the wrong

number. I told you that.

You are wrong, Dr.

Farrington. Oh, no, I'm right.

This time I'm right, and I don't care what you say. Sure, you always say I'm

wrong. That's the way it's always been. You're right and I'm wrong. Isn't that

right, Mother?

It's always the mother's fault.

Well, I am not your mother, Dr. Farrington, and I feel sorry for her

she is.

Incidentally, when was the last time you called your mother?

Never mind!

Everything's going to be all right, Dr. Farrington. Now just sit down over here.

You're okay.

He needs a psychiatrist.

He is a psychiatrist.

No, no, I'm not a psychiatrist.

I always wanted to be one, though.

That's one of the reasons I was seeing Dr. Phillips.

You mean you're a patient pretending to be a psychiatrist?

That's right.

Well, if you're not a psychiatrist, what the devil are you?

I'm a locksmith.

That's how I got into Dr.

Phillips' office when he went away on vacation.

You're not a psychiatrist.

Oh, the things I told you.

What do you think I made those calls?

Never mind, we psychiatrists never talk about our cases.

All right, you come along with us now. We're going to drive you to the

Oh, thank you.

Maud, I want to apologize.

You're really a wonderful person.

Not many women would be so understanding.

And you, Mrs. Harmon, are a lovely woman.

Very lovely.

Well, thank you.

You remind me a little of my mother.

I'm in the book.

Okay, girls, come on.

The bridge table's all set up. In a minute, Walter.

Maude, you know, it's been over a week now since we found out Mr. Farrington

the obscene phone caller.

I know, Viv.

And I'll tell you, my stomach still tightens every time I hear the phone

Oh, I know, Maude. You've been so brave about this.

But I'm just worried about the way you're keeping it all inside.

I think you owe it to yourself to lighten your load.

Vivian, how can I possibly do that?

Tell me all the dirty words he said to you on the phone.

Vivian, I hate to admit it, but that actually makes sense. Maybe I would feel

better if I told you.

I know I would.

Vivian, I warn you, though, this is revolting stuff. I mean, this would make

woman recoil.

Well, as long as it makes you feel better, that's all I care about.

All right. This is what he said.

Well?

That's it?

Well, of course that's it. I mean, don't you find that disgusting and revolting?

No.

Why not?

Well, for one thing, I don't know what any of those words mean.

Oh, come on now, Viv.

No, I mean it. I'm sorry. I just don't understand them.

Oh, poo -poo.

Shame on you. Now that's revolting.

VOD was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.