Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

When the country was falling apart, Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That'll compromise and enterprise and anything but tranquilize. Right on,

Now, please, the moment you hear from Mr. Dempsey, have him call Maude

No, no, not Claude. Maude.

M as in Mary.

He has the number. No.

Not spindly.

Findly.

As in friendly. He has the number. Now, did you get that?

Call Friendly Mary. He has the number.

Look, will you just tell him? I'll call back later. Thank you.

Oh, Ma. I have the most wonderful news.

I'm just so excited.

I'm just so excited.

Honey, I have wonderful news, too.

Oh, yeah. Thank you. Oh.

Thank you.

Thank you.

Yeah, but listen, I mean, I am really excited.

Well, then maybe you better go first. I know what can happen when you get too

excited.

Yeah,

right. Well, so anyway, I was out today collecting money for Poff.

You know about Poff, don't you? Oh, sure. Preserve our furry friends.

Right. So anyway, I was standing out on the corner of Fifth and Butternut,

just... freezing to death with my pop bucket and a dead seal.

Vivian, you were standing on the corner with a dead seal?

Oh, no!

The picture of a dead seal.

You know, just to show how cruel the trappers are.

So anyway, people were coming along, giving me like 25 cents or half a

maybe a dollar, when all of a sudden this very distinguished, well -dressed

gentleman came up.

And gave me this check for $500.

And that's wonderful.

Do you realize how much good $500 can do for Deadfield?

I guess it could give them a nice funeral.

Hire a few penguins as pallbearers.

Oh, Maude, you know what I meant.

Of course, Connie, and I think it's a very worthy cause. Oh, thank you.

Now, let's hear your good news.

Now, Vivian, you are not going to believe this.

I think I finally have a buyer for the Dempsey estate.

Oh, really, Maude? Who'd want to buy that old dump?

Old dump? Old dump?

You think anybody would shell out this kind of money for an old dump? What kind

of money?

$180 ,000, which is an awful lot of money for that old dump.

Oh,

hi, guys.

Walter, how was the football game?

It was okay.

Arthur, how was the holdup?

Walter?

What, what?

What, what, what, what?

Guess what?

What? I have a buyer for the dump he played.

Wow. You mean somebody actually wants to buy that dump?

As a matter of fact, he's on his way over here right now.

Boy, who did you unload that on? Oh, a very distinguished gentleman, a Mr.

Wilson Daniels.

Wilson Daniels? But, Maude, that's the same man who just gave you a check for

$500 for all the dead seals on the corner of Fifth and Butternut. You are

kidding, Vivian.

Are they having a problem with dead seals on the corner of Fifth and

No, Arthur, in Alaska.

Oh.

And Mr. Daniels gave me a $500 donation.

Boy, he must be pretty well off.

He must be. He's willing to pay $180 ,000 for the Dempsey place.

$180 ,000? Holy Toledo!

Boy, that's over a $5 ,000 commission!

Mr. Daniel. Mrs. Finley, will you excuse the intrusion so late on a Sunday

afternoon? Oh, please, pay no attention. Come in, come in. This is my husband,

Walter. How do you do? Daniel.

Our neighbors, Doctor and Vivian Harmon.

Why, it's the puff lady. Aha, you remembered.

And I must say, I've never seen a lady look so beautiful with a dead seal.

Thank you, Mr. Daniel.

I've often told her the same thing myself.

Won't you sit down? Go off and take this coat. May I fix you a drink? No, no,

thank you.

So you're thinking of buying the Dempsey estate, eh, Mr. Daniels? Well, yes, it

suits my needs.

It's secluded, it's walled in, it's roomy.

I'm bringing a large family up here from Arizona.

Arizona? Really?

Well, you might be interested to know that I campaigned for Barry Goldwater

he ran for president.

I voted for him.

Good! Tuckahoe can always use another Republican.

So can Washington.

So can Washington.

And, Maude, you said Republicans aren't funny.

No, I said they didn't have any sense of humor. I never said they weren't funny.

I'm sorry, Mr.

Daniels, I have no news, but the moment the Dempseys get my message, they will

call, and I'm positive there'll be no problem. Excellent.

Why don't I write out a little check as a gesture of goodwill?

Well, it's a little premature, but if you'd like to...

Mr. Findlay, aren't you Findlay's friendly appliances?

That's right, Mr. Findlay.

Well, you know, I'm planning to establish a string of laundromats here

East. Maybe we can do business.

You could supply my equipment.

Sure.

Why not?

And, Dr. Harmon? Yes?

I'm bringing a few of my employees here with me. I'm going to have to find a

good position for them.

Maybe you could take them on.

Sure.

Always room for a few more Republicans.

Well, actually, there's not all Republicans.

Well, it's always fun treating a sick Democrat.

Wonderful, wonderful.

Boy, we Republicans are hot today.

You know, when I come to a new community, I like to make friends.

And I think we're all going to be great friends.

Oh, you bet.

Oh, here we go, Mrs. Bentley.

I trust things will go smoothly because once I make a deal, I get very upset

if things don't go smoothly.

Oh, don't you worry about a thing, Mr. Daniels. I'll simply give the Dempsey's

this offer. Wonderful, wonderful.

What a pleasure to meet such nice people.

Mr. Finley, call me at the hotel when you hear from the Dempsey. I will call

the minute I hear anything. Thank you.

And, Mr.

Finley, I'll be needing about four or five hundred washer -dryers.

And, Doctor, we'll be talking about my company's health plan.

Ciao!

Bye. Goodbye.

Goodbye. Oh, what a nice man.

Sensational guy.

Top drawer.

He really must be anxious to get this house. I mean, coming all the way over

here to write me this check.

What's the matter, Maud? How much is it for?

Walter, it's for the full amount.

Look, $180 ,000.

The whole thing.

Oh, did you ever hear of that? What are you going to do with all that

commission? I don't know. I don't know something wild.

Maud, I think you ought to buy something for yourself.

How about that four -carat diamond ring you've always wanted for McInerney's

window? Oh, Walter. Honey, I think it'd be selfish of me to spend my money on

myself. That's what your money's for.

I got it.

Let's put in that solar -heated swimming pool. Now, that's something we've

always wanted. Oh, that's a wonderful idea.

There's only one problem. What's that?

People with pools always find their neighbors taking advantage of them.

Oh, boy, you're so right.

And this neighborhood is loaded with freeloaders.

Well,

you just have to put a fence around the pool and lock on the gate.

Right. And just the four of us will have keys.

I'll get it. I'll get it. It's probably the dentist. I have to go watch 60

Minutes. They're doing a special report on a psychiatrist for dogs.

That's ridiculous.

Dogs don't need psychiatrists. Well, they do if they're neurotic.

Why would a dog be neurotic?

Maybe he didn't have a boy when he was a puppy.

Well, that's wonderful.

Thank you, Frank. Thank you so much.

Bye -bye.

It never rains, but it pours. That was Frank Sobel down at the real estate

office. Somebody just walked in and made an offer of $190 ,000 cash for

the Dempsey place. Oh, no. You are kidding. No.

Frank is sending the new buyer over with the offer.

Walter, this means an even higher commission.

But Mr. Daniels just gave you a check for $180 ,000 more. Oh, I know, Walter,

but of course I have to give the other offer to the Dempsey's too.

Well, that wouldn't be fair to Mr.

Daniels. Why not?

I'll give him a chance to match the other offer.

Hello, reception desk, please. And if he doesn't want to, then I'll find him

another lovely house. Something equally as spacious and attractive as the

Dempsey dump.

Yes, I'd like to leave a message for Mr. Wilson Daniels, please. Room 224.

Yeah, just tell him that Maude Findlay... No, that's Maude, as in...

Tell him the real estate lady called.

Someone else has made a higher offer on the house.

Would he care to match it?

Thank you very much.

Oh, $190 ,000. Well, I don't think that's the right thing to do. We don't

to offend Mr.

Daniels. Remember, he's opening up that chain of laundromats.

Five hundred washer -dryers don't grow on trees, Maude. I agree with Walter,

Maude. Mr. Daniels is bringing me those patients from Arizona.

When they get a whiff of this New York air, they could develop chronic

respiratory problems.

Oh, please think of Mr.

Daniels. I mean, he said he gets very upset when a deal doesn't go smoothly.

That's right.

Now, listen, you two. Mr.

Daniels is a businessman.

He's the first to know that he can't have everything he wants just because he

wants it.

The highest bidder gets the property.

And if Mr. Daniels doesn't want to match it, well, tough.

In there. What? In there. I saw it. I saw it.

In there. What?

Mr. Daniels. Mr. Daniels. Vivian, please. Now, what are you talking about?

On television, on 60 Minutes. It was all about Mr. Daniels. What about Mr.

Daniels? Mr. Daniels is the head of a big, big, not company, but bigger than a

company. A corporation.

No, bigger.

A conglomerate. Bigger.

Syndicate. Syndicate, that's it.

What kind of syndicate?

That kind of syndicate.

A cupcake.

Are you saying that Mr.

Daniels is a gangster? No, I'm not saying that. I'm not saying that. What's

name? Mike Wallace said that. It's still on. Come and see it.

Daniels is the biggest gangster on the West Coast.

Now, wait a minute, Vivian. If this is true, I could be in serious trouble.

Oh, but there's probably some crazy mistake. I mean, he can't be a gangster.

Wilson Daniels doesn't even sound like a gangster.

Except Wilson Daniels is not his real name.

What's his real name?

Apache Willie Danko.

That could be a gangster.

I saw it with my own eyes. I'm... I'm involved with a gangster.

Look, you can't believe everything you see on television.

Walter, what are you saying? What about the film they took with the hidden

cameras? A man walks out of a barber shop in Syracuse, gets into his car,

on the starter, and the car blows up.

Oh, now, wait a second.

Wait just one second.

I recognize that car.

That was a model I had to recall because it had faulty starters.

Sir, the man's a gangster. He's a dangerous killer.

Wait a minute, Vivian. Let's be fair. Mike Wallace admitted that Mr. Daniels

never killed anybody. But he also said he'd given orders to have people killed.

I'm sure he had a very good reason.

Arthur, the man is a mobster.

All right.

Well, what of it?

I hear when the mob moves into a neighborhood, it becomes very safe.

You see people walking the street all hours. Of course they're walking.

terrified of starting their cars.

Maude, Maude, I think that you should call the hotel and cancel that message

about the second offer on the house.

You're right. I mean, it's just too dangerous to disappoint a known mobster.

Yeah.

Besides, maybe I can still sell him a couple of washing machines.

Walter, you would sell washing machines to a man who deals in dope and

prostitution? What's wrong with junkies and hookers having clean laundry?

Hello, hello.

Yes, this is Friendly Mary.

Has Mr.

Daniels arrived?

He has.

He did.

He is.

Thank you very much.

Oh, boy.

Well, what is it, Maud?

Mr. Daniels received my message, punched out the bellboy, and he's on his way

over.

Uh, Maud, if you're going to have a business meeting with Mr. Daniels, I

it's best Vivian and I just leave.

All of a sudden you have to leave, Arthur? I don't suppose the reason could

that that fine, upstanding Republican is carrying a gun.

What's wrong with that?

We Republicans uphold the Constitution which states very clearly that every

American has the right to bear arms.

Strapped to his leg?

Anybody can nitpick, Maude.

Oh, Arthur, we can't just go off and leave her alone with a big gangster.

Wait a minute, wait a minute.

It's a gangster, it's a gangster, it's a gangster.

Stop that, stop that. Sit down. Everybody sit down.

The best thing we can do is to pretend that we don't know anything about who he

is. I mean, as far as we're concerned, he's just a legitimate businessman from

Arizona.

Okay, Walter, open the door.

Me?

Yes, Walter, you.

Would it be better if you answered the door?

Walter, you're the man of the house, but the house is in your name.

Somebody gets the door. Killers don't like to be kept waiting.

Walter, answer that door or tomorrow you'll start the car.

All right, all right, I'll get it. Sure, send Walter. He's a sap.

Let him open the door to one of the most vicious creatures in America.

Mr. Finley?

I'm Mother Mary Keaton. I'm supposed to sign some papers for the Dempsey house.

Come in, Mother Keaton. I'm Maude Findlay. That's my husband, Walter, our

neighbor's doctor, and Mrs. Arthur Harmon. How do you do?

It's nice to meet you. I'm sorry if I seem a bit surprised, but you see, the

down at the real estate office did not tell me that the new buyer was a, you'll

excuse the expression, nun.

Well, our order is planning to convert it into a convent.

I see, I see. And you did offer $190 ,000.

Well, obviously your order didn't take any vow of poverty.

We're a nursing order, and we've learned a lot from you doctors.

Very clever.

Did you say your name was Seton, sister?

That's Keaton, Buster.

Mother Keaton, I'm afraid we're in a terribly, terribly awkward situation.

You see, there was a previous offer on the Dempsey Place, but your offer is

higher. Then what's the problem? Doesn't the house always go to the highest

bidder? Normally, yes, but not when the man that you're dealing with is named

Apache Willie Danko.

Apache Willie Danko? The mobster?

Did you just see him on 60 Minutes? No.

read about him in Women's Wear Daily.

Lex Reed says he's an animal.

He is also on his way here now.

So you can see, Mother, I am in a terrible spot.

You certainly are.

Look, both of us know that...

You're a woman who has devoted her life to helping others out of charity and

compassion. Yes, that's true. So, knowing the spot I'm in and helping me

it, I'm sure you'll understand that you'll have to give up the house.

In a pig's eye.

You mean that you'd be willing to stand and face a gangster like Apache Willie

Danko and tell him that you are keeping the house that he wants?

No. You're the real estate lady. You tell him.

I'll wait in the kitchen.

I'll tell her the kitchen, Maude.

Walter. Walter. Walter. She can find the kitchen herself.

I have my turn.

Arthur, you answer the door.

Why not?

That crook wouldn't hurt me. We're both Republicans.

Well, Mr. Daniels. Dr. Harmon. Mind the step. We don't want your leg going off.

Mrs. Finley, the hotel clerk gave me a message about the Dempsey house.

A very disappointing message.

Well, life has its disappointments.

So does death.

You see, Mr. Daniels, what happened was somebody else came along with an offer

of $190 ,000. So, of course, I had to pass it on to the judge. Just a moment,

Mrs. Finley.

I didn't just get off the boat with a wicker basket.

You didn't try to jack up the price of the house so you could get a bigger

commission, did you?

Of course not. Oh, come on. I know you real estate people are all crooks. I saw

it in 60 Minutes.

How dare you? How dare you?

I have been in the real estate business for many years now, and I have a

spotless reputation.

Above all, I cherish the fact that I am known as an honest woman. I have never,

ever done anything crooked in my life, but I admire those who have.

Mrs. Spindley, I gave you a check for $180 ,000.

I expect the house.

Yeah, but you see, the other buyer... Never mind the other buyer.

I'll take care of the other buyer.

In my own way.

Now, just a minute.

Just a minute.

Don't think... Don't think that you can frighten me with all your tough talk.

You can. I am terrified.

And that is exactly why I am not going to sell you the Dempsey place.

What is she talking about?

More, honey.

The man wants to know what you're talking about.

I am talking about the right to live without fear.

And if you were to move into this neighborhood, we'd be frightened all the

and I refuse to put up with that. And that is exactly why I am standing by my

guns. Here is the other buyer.

Yes.

Her offer stands, the house is hers. We're not afraid of you and your hired

hoodlums. So go ahead and blast away, Apache Willie.

This

is the

other buyer?

That's right.

Mother Mary Keaton.

And believe me, when she says God will get you for that, he will.

I didn't know you were the other buyer.

I didn't mean to scare you, Mother Keaton.

I'm a good Catholic myself.

A good Catholic?

You're a criminal.

A thief. A murderer. How can you call yourself a good Catholic?

Oh, I'm a Catholic, but I never said I was a saint.

You keep the house, okay?

And I would like to make a contribution to your order.

How does $25 ,000 sound?

I'm sorry, we cannot accept that money.

Can we, Mother Keaton?

No. Why not?

We don't like where that money came from.

What do you got against Switzerland?

I think you should leave now while we're still pals.

Maybe you're right.

I'd better be going.

I'm going to be late for the funeral of a dear friend.

Whose funeral is that?

I haven't decided yet.

I'm making a joke.

You know the old saying.

All work and no play makes Rocco a dull boy.

And

don't you

worry, sister.

If you won't take my money, I'm sure I'll find a congressman who will.

It was a bad day all around for Apache Willie Danko.

Couldn't buy his way into heaven or Tuckahoe.

Well, Mother Keaton, looks like the house is yours.

You know, Mrs. Finley, our order does an awful lot of good work, and we need

every penny we can get.

Considering that, I think we should only pay $150 ,000 for that Dempsey dump.

Mother Keaton, you wouldn't be trying to take advantage of me because you're a

nun.

I'm a nun, but I never said I was a saint.

I'm not a saint either. I'll come down as far as $175 ,000. $150 ,000 and I'll

light a candle for you.

You have that enormous room for bingo games. I will come down...

I was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.