Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first proper to age of that she showed up.

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And Betsy Ross.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more. And then there's more. That I'm compromising,

enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Never again in this lifetime will I go last -minute Christmas shopping with

Well, you took the last box of Christmas cards in a whole store.

Now, here it is, Christmas Eve, and today I got cards from seven people I

dreamed I'd hear from, and thanks to you, I don't have anything to send them.

In other words, you need seven Christmas cards.

Well, actually, I could do with four. Three of the people I heard from I can't

stand.

Vivian, because it is my very favorite night in the year, And because you and

Arthur are going to be sharing a joyful, peaceful Christmas Eve with us, I'll

give you four of my cups. Oh, thank you, Maude.

Maude.

What are you doing here?

Uh, do you have a stamp?

I've got to get this one off right away.

Oh, thanks.

Here. One of the cards I got today was from you.

Season's greetings from Dr.

and Mrs. Harmon.

I'm sorry it's such a tacky card.

Vivian, you are giving me my Christmas headache early.

I didn't think I would get it until I saw Amy Carter unwrapping her presents

the 11 o 'clock news.

Oh, thank you, Victoria.

Now that should make my headache go away. I love it when the tinsel goes on

tree. It means that it is the official beginning of the happiest season of the

year.

Victoria, what's wrong?

I'm sorry, Mom.

I know I shouldn't be crying, but this is my first Christmas away from my

family. Oh, poor Victoria.

Oh, Victoria, honey, I know how you feel. being so far away from the West

at holiday time.

Honey, if you feel like having a good cry, go ahead and cry. Oh, no, really,

fine.

I think it'd be a great idea to just let it all out. Oh, no, Mom. I know how

much you want this to be a nice Christmas Eve. I don't want to spoil it

crying. Oh, now, Victoria, don't be silly. Honey, if you want to cry, go

and cry. It's a great outlet, so don't be brave.

Be brave.

Yes, Mom. I'll go start dinner. But the ham isn't here yet.

They haven't delivered the ham. Those turkeys.

How can we have our traditional Christmas Eve dinner with no ham?

My mom just called from Cleveland. Her plane's grounded, and she won't be able

to be here till tomorrow night. Oh, no.

First no ham, now no Carol.

Oh, of course. Philip, it must be so sad spending Christmas Eve without your

mother.

Philip, darling, I can't possibly replace your mother, but as a loving

grandmother, I want you to know that I'm going to do everything I possibly can

to make sure that you have a joyful Christmas Eve.

There, you see?

If she's on that to worry about me, Grandma, salmon aren't going on a date

tonight.

Philip, you have a date on Christmas Eve?

Yeah. First we're going to go to the Tucko Christmas Pageant and look at all

costumes. Then we're going to go on a sleigh ride. Should be a lot of fun.

Fun? Philip, Christmas Eve is not the time to enjoy yourself.

It's the time to be at home with your family.

I talked to Mom on the phone and she said it was okay.

What does she know?

If she knew anything, would she be spending Christmas in Cleveland? Come

Look, Grandma.

If my going out is going to hurt your feelings, I'm sorry.

Oh, Philip.

Philip, bless you. Then you're going to stay at home.

No, I'm just sorry. I wouldn't miss that pageant for anything.

My head aches back.

What's happened to my Christmas Eve dream of sitting in front of a cheerful

fire, sipping eggnog and opening our presents?

Everything's going to be all right. Look, here's Walter. He'll cheer you up.

Merry Christmas, Walter.

Merry Christmas. I'm going to bed.

Walter, it's Christmas Eve. Sure, go ahead, rub it in.

I don't give a fig for Christmas Eve.

I mean it, Maud. No more.

It's the last friendly, friendly appliance store Christmas party I'm

give. My Christmas business was so lousy this season, I couldn't afford the

party in the first place.

Walter, what's the matter? Didn't your employees have a good time?

My employees had a wonderful time.

Bunch of animals.

Can't believe that people could get so crazy on three bottles of Iron Curtain

vodka.

Walter, what happened? Did they break a few fixtures, a few appliances?

What, did they smash a TV set?

Ma, that was last year, and I didn't mind that. It was fun.

Fun? What do you mean, fun?

Wasn't my money. I'm insured for that.

What did they do, Walter?

They insulted me.

Two drinks and the employees think they can tell a boy what kind of a jerk he

is.

My delivery boy even called me a jerk.

And he doesn't drink.

Walter, maybe you shouldn't have served liquor.

You know, the police have been asking all employers not to serve liquor at

Christmas parties. It just makes for a lot of drunk drivers. I know.

Even Sullivan, my sales manager, got bombed. I begged him not to drive, but

wouldn't listen. And sure enough, he got into an automobile accident.

Was it serious?

I'll say. He drove his Pinto right into the rear end of my Mustang.

Mrs. Finley, is the ham here yet? Not yet, Victoria.

She really loves ham.

The ham didn't get here yet?

That does it. I'm going to call and cancel. Oh, Walter, now please stop.

What? We'll get the ham someplace else. Food city, food fair.

Walter, please, what about tradition?

Honey, we always get our hams from the same place.

Oh, Walter, call me sentimental, but it wouldn't be Christmas Eve without a ham

from Herb's House of Pork.

There's Arthur. Now, I bet he has the proper Christmas spirit. Merry

sweetheart. Bah! Humbug!

And it's all your fault, Walter. You and your annual Christmas parties. What are

you talking about?

Your drunken sales manager Sullivan bashed his pinto into my cougar.

That's a plucky little pinto he's got there.

He crashed into my car, too. He did? Well, then I'm glad I had him arrested.

You have Sullivan, my sales manager, arrested?

Walter, I'm a doctor.

I could tell Sullivan was drunk the moment he opened his car door and fell

the street.

Arthur, I need Sullivan for my big after -Christmas sale.

Yeah, well, you should have thought of that before you threw that drunken brawl

down at the store. Will you two stop bickering? Now, come on. This is

Eve. It's a time when we should all show our love for our friends and our

family. Hello?

God, it's my mother.

Hello, mother.

Yes, I know I told you I'd call you at seven. What time is it now?

Three minutes after seven.

And you've been worried sick.

You want to know why I haven't phoned.

Well...

We've had an earthquake here in Tuckahoe and all the buildings have been leveled

and 1 ,400 lives were lost.

Ham.

We're having ham for dinner.

Mother, I certainly did invite you to have Christmas Eve dinner with us. You

said you were going to Ruth's house.

I should have coaxed you.

Mother, I'll coax you next year.

You will so be alive next year.

You are always alive next year.

All right. All right, dear.

Merry Christmas to you.

Oh, why?

Why, why, why, why, why must we all hear from our loved ones at Christmas time?

Well, Maude, are we going to have dinner or what?

We're still waiting for the ham.

Who cares about Christmas Eve? I'm going to bed.

Oh, now, Walter, stop that.

Come on, Vivian, let's go home. Walter, come back here.

Arthur, Viv, please, stay right there. Maybe Arthur's right, Lord. Maybe we

should spend Christmas at home.

Christmas at home?

I have had it with all of you. Now, listen to me.

Do you hear? Do you hear?

Outside, the carolers are singing the joy of Christmas.

And inside here, my housekeeper is in tears.

My grandson isn't going to be here. My daughter isn't here. My ham isn't here.

And now my husband and my dearest friends are ruining this night because

don't know how to act.

They don't realize that Christmas Eve is a very special time.

It's a night when good friends should be together for peace on earth and

goodwill. Shut up out there! I'm talking!

what I did. You got me so upset, I screamed at the carolers.

Please, please forgive my husband and my friends. I love you all.

Merry Christmas.

Up your chimney, lady.

Well, here's the ham. At least Irv's house of pork knows the meaning of

Christmas. Maybe if we all have something to eat, we'll feel better,

Oh, my God.

What's the matter, Mort?

This isn't a ham.

Well, then what is it?

It's a baby.

It is a baby.

Oh, a little baby.

I don't understand. Why was a baby left on our doorstep?

Maybe they ran out of hands.

His heart is fine.

His lungs are clear.

You know, he has a good color.

Cough. Arthur!

Sorry, forced to have it.

Oh, he's so sweet.

The poor little guy is probably hungry.

Well, here. Here's a bottle here with some formula. I'll feed him. Uh, Maud,

don't I feed him?

Vivian, you don't know anything about babies. Well, that doesn't make any

difference. The baby likes me better than he likes you.

Vivian, how can you possibly know that he likes you better than me?

Because everybody likes me better than you.

No answer at the St. Dismas home for foundlings, but the police are going to

send the man over as soon as they can.

Well, I wouldn't count on that. It'll probably take them all night to round up

the drunks from your party.

Will you lay off, Arthur? My nerves are frazzled enough as it is.

The one thing we don't need in this house tonight is a baby.

Still and all, I'd like to know what it means.

I mean, finding a baby on our doorstep on Christmas Eve, I wonder if this is a

special child.

Oh, I finally got here.

I'll go put the ham in the oven.

It's like one of those wonderful old Christmas stories.

Victoria, hold the pineapple!

Oh, Mrs. Finley, this is the baby!

Yes. He was left on our doorstep.

Oh, the poor little thing.

Oh, Victoria, let's look at the bright side. At least he'll be safe in a nice,

warm home for Christmas.

Home for Christmas.

Dear,

sweet, sensitive Victoria.

She's really getting on my nerves.

Maude.

There's a pot of water on the stove. Why don't I just warm up the formula? Oh,

good idea, dear. Okay.

And then I'm going to feed the baby.

And then if he's wet, I'm going to change him.

And then I think I'll give him a bath.

And then I'm going to put powder on him.

And then I think I'll give him a haircut.

A haircut?

Just a trim.

Merry Christmas, Sam. Merry Christmas, Sam.

off to go. Is it okay if we use this blanket?

Well, of course, honey.

But listen, Sam, you know something? I think you kids are making a mistake not

staying home on Christmas Eve.

Oh, but Mrs. Finley, the Christmas pageant's going to be beautiful.

I saw some of the carolers heading there on my way here. They're all wearing old

biblical costumes.

And the sleigh ride afterwards should be fun, too. No, sleigh rides are always

fun.

Snuggling up under the blanket.

I remember Benny Frank Butler and I used to do that. Vivian.

Feed the baby.

Baby?

Where'd you get the baby, Grandma? We don't know. He was left on our doorstep

this basket.

Oh, he's adorable.

Could I pick him up? I know how to hold him because I do a lot of babysitting.

Of course, Sam.

Here we go.

Oh, hey, he's really cute.

There's nothing like holding a baby in your arms. It's wonderful, isn't it?

My mom says I have a strong maternal instinct. I can't wait to have a baby.

Me neither.

I don't think you two need this blanket.

Grandma, we'll freeze to death. Stop!

Oh, I'm sorry, Philip.

Forgive me, Sam. I'm just not myself today.

Oh, Maude, the policeman's here. Oh, good. Better bring the baby.

Well, Sam, we better go. Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, Sam. And Merry Christmas to you, baby.

Have fun on the sleigh ride. Must you keep telling them that?

Anyway, officer, here's the baby.

Now, please do something.

What do you expect me to do?

Officer, take him and find out who he belongs to.

Lady, this is Christmas Eve.

Look, all over town, there are armed robberies. There are stabbings, there

muggings. Husbands and wives are shooting each other with guns.

To the thieves and to be jolly.

We don't have time to mess with the baby.

I mean, we can't keep the baby in this house.

There must be something the police can do.

The only thing I can do is book him, as he stole anything.

Officer, you have to take the baby.

Listen, I'll turn and report. If anybody calls looking for a baby, I'll give

them your address.

Thank you, officer. Oh, and Merry Christmas.

That's easy for you to say.

The last thing we need in this house is a baby.

Walter, you're going to have to go out and get some things for him. Go down to

the store and get some disposable diapers and a teething ring.

And a football.

Well, I can't drive to the store. I have a broken Mustang.

And I've got a bashed -in Cougar. This whole Christmas is one big disaster,

thanks to you, Walter.

Will you stop it, Arthur? I'm sick and tired of hearing about your car.

You're going to get my car fixed. You got Sullivan drunk. You're going to

the damage. Arthur, can't you do anything but think of yourself?

Leave my husband alone, Mrs. Piggy.

Grabbing the last box of Christmas cards in the store. I have had a lot of

years. I've never sold anything like this.

I have worked very, very hard. You're supposed to be my best friend.

So adorable.

Oh, look, the baby's smiling at me.

Hey, little baby, look at your Uncle Arthur.

Mrs. Finley, I'm ready to start that dinner now.

Victoria, you don't look sad anymore.

No. Just a moment ago, I thought.

Now, why am I feeling sorry for myself because I'm away from my family?

The Finleys have made me part of their family.

Though I'm spending my Christmas with my family after all.

Isn't that nice?

I get it.

Hey,

Walter. After dinner, why don't you and I go down to the police station and bail

Sullivan out?

I'm sure you want to have him in good shape for your after -Christmas sale.

Boy, Arthur, that's really decent of you.

You'll never believe this. That was a friend of Carol's from Cleveland. The

weather cleared, and Carol is on a plane. She'll be here in time to open a

present. Oh, my.

Boy, that weather sure cleared up quick. It's like a miracle. Yeah. Hi.

Philip. Hey, Philip. Philip.

Honey, what happened to the sleigh ride?

Oh, well, I don't know. Sam and I were walking along a couple minutes ago, and

we both decided that you were right.

Christmas Eve is really a time to spend with the people you love.

Oh.

Oh, and your mother. Your mother's on her way. She'll be here tonight.

Oh, great.

How did that happen?

How did any of this happen?

A few minutes ago, we were all arguing. We were fighting at each other's

throats, and suddenly a miracle happened, and...

We're all filled with peace.

The house is full of love.

Carol's getting out of Cleveland.

This is a special child. You know, I'll bet he was sent here to teach us all the

real meaning of Christmas.

Love.

Yes. The same message that other baby brought to the world in that very first

Christmas.

like that before.

How does the story go? They saw a star shining in the sky

and they followed it to a stable.

I'm sorry to bother you, but did you happen to find a baby on your doorstep?

A baby?

Yes, yes, he's here. Walter, get the baby. Oh, thank God.

I'm his father.

His father?

Yes, we're in the Christmas pageant, and we're going around the neighborhood

singing Christmas carols, and I had my son with us in a basket.

Yeah, he was going to be the baby Jesus in the pageant.

But when we were here before singing carols, I'd have... I must have picked

the wrong basket.

I didn't really notice he was missing until someone pointed out that there was

ham in the manger.

Yeah. Hey, well, here's your ham here. Yeah, and here's your baby.

Oh, and I can't tell you how much happiness your son brought to this house

tonight. Well, I'm glad. And I'm sorry for the inconvenience.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

But look.

Look.

Well,

Viv, it's either a police helicopter or your Christmas star is flying off to

Yonkers.

Well, that's one for the books.

Oh, why don't I take the ham out to the kitchen and give it to Victoria to put

in the oven?

No, Vivian, we're not going to eat it.

Now, there's something very special about this ham.

What? The camel took a bite out of it.

with boughs of holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

VOD was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.