Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, no.

Where, where, where? I know I put it somewhere, but where did I put it?

Walter, why do you have to go back to the store? Stay home.

Walter, are you crazy? It's the middle of the day.

Walter, you are exhausted. Look, you're all flushed. I'll bet you have a fever.

Lord, I am fine.

Walter, Walter, you have got to slow down. Now, you are not eating. You are

sleeping. This is dangerous.

Well, you don't understand.

Working is my life. I love it. I need it. It keeps me alive.

Nobody ever died from hard work.

Tell that to Kunta Kinte, Walter.

Walter, please, why can't you take the afternoon off? It's just a sale.

It is not just a sale. It is my anniversary sale.

Do you know how often I have an anniversary sale?

Twice a year, top.

Walter, I'm on vacation. I told you I can handle things down at the store for

you. No, I'm needed down there.

You don't know how much work there is in an anniversary sale.

Really, Walter, how many people are needed to blow up 20 balloons?

Walter. Walter, what are you looking for?

The copy I wrote for my newspaper ad.

Maud, it was three o 'clock in the morning, and I couldn't sleep, so I came

here, and I wrote the copy.

And here it is!

I found it!

Here's the ad I wrote.

Read it, Maud, and tell me what you think.

Joe, I wish I'd read this last night. I was having trouble sleeping myself.

Come on, Maud.

I mean, this is a very novel, offbeat idea.

Hi. Hi, Maud. Hi, Walt. Hi. Hi, Carol. Hi, everybody.

Viv, read this. This page first.

Five to go, five to go, five to go. Five to go, huh?

Huh?

In the end game, that's what we call the hook. It arouses your curiosity,

doesn't it? No.

Come on, Viv.

Admit it, you're dying to know what five to go means.

I just say it means five days to go until your sale.

You told them.

Walter, will you please stop this craziness?

Carol, I want you to go down to the store and tell them Walter won't be back

this afternoon. I've got to be back at the store. The guy's coming at three o

'clock to give me a fitting on my clown suit.

You're wearing a clown suit.

Leave it alone, Mother.

I talked him out of walking around with an organ and a monkey.

The monkey's coming at four.

So I didn't talk him out of it.

Hello, everybody.

Boy, what a rotten day.

Arthur, would you please tell Maude what kind of health I'm in?

Sure, old buddy. Come by my office tomorrow. I'll give you a complete

You gave me a complete physical last week.

I did?

Do you remember what I said was wrong with you?

You said there wasn't anything wrong.

Really? There must be. You look awful.

You see, Arthur, he is working himself to death. He's not even taking the time

to eat. I have begged him to slow down.

And he has a terrible time getting to sleep.

He does? Yes, he's very restless.

Restless, is he? Yes, just tossing and turning and thrashing around.

All night? All night!

Vivian. What?

May I ask you a question?

Sure, what?

How long have you been sleeping with Walter?

Silly. I was just repeating what you told me.

I don't have time for this. I've got to finish my head.

Walter thinks he's got problems. He should be a doctor.

It's getting so I dread going to the hospital.

It's just no fun anymore.

What's wrong, Arthur? Some of the patients getting cured?

No, no, no. Nothing like that.

It's just this controversy we're in over a doctor's strike.

The doctors aren't thinking of going on strike. It sure looks like it.

I just came from a meeting.

See, the doctors want the hospital to put up the money to protect them against

malpractice suits. The stupid hospital refuses.

But, I mean, they wouldn't actually go out on strike. After the speech I just

made, they will.

Arthur, you?

Why not?

Nowadays, doctors are a fair game for everybody.

Patients, lawyers, juries.

Believe me, with the constant threat of malpractice hanging over your head, it's

getting so a surgeon is afraid to make a mistake.

How can a doctor withhold medical help? What about the Hippocratic Oath?

The what?

All that.

That's all hat.

Arthur, are you aware of the very serious inconsistency here?

What do you mean?

I mean, here you are, Arthur, talking about leading a doctor's strike.

You're the very man who has been against union striking as long as I've known

you. As a matter of fact, you're the one who said, if the immigrant farm workers

don't like it here, let them swim back where they came from.

Now, wait a minute. Wait one minute.

Let me point out to you there's a great deal of difference between doctors and

farm workers.

I have to agree.

I mean, nobody ever died from being given the wrong head of lettuce.

Lunch is ready.

Oh, thank you, Victoria.

I hope Mr. Finley's going to eat. He'd better. Walter!

Say, Maude, will you listen to this?

Mr. Finley is staying for lunch? Can't. No time.

Maude, listen to this ad. I think... Walter.

What? Hey. Walter, what is it? Nothing.

Nothing. Just a little dizzy. Must have been thinking too much.

I always get a little dizzy when I think too much. Is that possible?

Do you get dizzy from thinking too much? Oh, yes. It happens to me all the time.

Now that we've ruled out that possibility, what's wrong with him,

Well, let's find out. Viv, will you run home and get that black bag I use for

house calls? Oh, sure, Arthur. Where is it?

I don't know. I haven't used it for years.

All right.

Walter, let's see what's wrong with you.

He feels feverish.

You feel feverish, Walter?

His pulse is very irregular.

Hmm.

Your pulse is very irregular.

Mr. Finley, you have a sore throat?

Victoria, you are a housekeeper.

Let's have Dr.

Harmon ask the question. Thank you, Maude.

Walter, do you have a sore throat?

It's a little sore.

Dr. Harmon, in my opinion, Mr. Finley shows early symptoms of glandular

infection. Open your mouth.

You show early symptoms of glandular infection.

Okay, that's not serious, is it? Piece of cake. Oh, good.

Unless, of course, you don't catch it in time. Oh, yes. That can lead to high

temperatures. Yes.

Which, in turn, can lead to other complications.

Now, Walter's already had one heart attack.

Then, of course, there are respiratory problems, double pneumonia, things like

that. I remember one horrible case. I don't want to know.

Walter, I'll get you some juice. That's a good idea, Marty. Get him some juice.

Thank you, Doctor.

Oh, uh, Victoria, is that all right with you?

Yes, juice is good.

See? I was right.

Arthur, I can't be sick. I got a big sale coming up in five days.

Don't worry, old buddy. I'll give you a prescription. It'll fix you right up.

There's an old West Indian remedy I can make for him.

Victoria, those old voodoo remedies are pure hogwash. Dr. Harmon, I made... No

derogation of your medical acumen.

However, many pharmacologists do acknowledge ancient elixirs as

restoratives.

Victoria, stop talking like an ignorant woman.

Tetracycline's the only thing that knocks out this bug.

Don't worry, Walter, this prescription will fix you right up. I'm sure it will,

Doctor.

But just in case, I'll go out in the backyard and look for frogs.

Here you are, sweetheart.

Oh, Lord, I feel terrible.

Listen, Arthur, are you sure that Walter shouldn't go to a hospital?

Well, with their attitude toward doctors, I'd see him dead first.

Hold that thought.

Oh,

Hubie. Dr.

Bindermord, I'm here on official business.

Arthur, Arthur.

Hubie, what's up? I just delivered our demand to Mr. Hendricks, the head

administrator at the hospital.

Good. What did he do?

He laughed.

What did you do?

I laughed. He has a very infectious laugh.

Hubie, when does he want to meet and start negotiating?

Never. He turned it down cold.

He thinks we're bluffing. We aren't.

Are we?

You are the head of the disciplinary committee, doctor.

It's your job to see that no doctor provides any medical service whatsoever

unless it's an absolute emergency.

You understand, doctor? You can count on me, doctor. Well, you two stop playing

doctor.

Now, Walter needs that prescription.

Oh, yeah.

What prescription?

It's a prescription for Walter. He's coming down with a glandular infection.

Arthur! Hubie, what are you doing?

Arthur, the strike started when Mr. Hendricks turned us down. Will you stop

being so technical?

Walter is Arthur's closest friend.

Arthur, you're head of the strike committee. You know the rules.

You'd be performing a medical service.

This is an emergency. Will you stop being so silly?

Maud. Hubie.

Arthur.

If one doctor breaks the rules, it will kill the strike.

He's my best friend.

Think of all the money we're going to lose.

Walter, will you relax? I want to take your temperature.

You just took my temperature. No, I didn't. Yes, you did, Maud. You've been

taking my temperature all day long.

All right. If I've been taking your temperature all day long, what is it?

I don't know. You won't tell me. Then let's find out.

Will you stop, Maud? You're driving me crazy. Sorry. I'm sorry, darling. It's

just that I'm so concerned about you. Walter, you've been lying here for three

days now. If anything, you're worse.

Who knows when that dumb doctor strike is going to end. It's spreading all over

the county. Don't worry, Mort. If I get much sicker, Arthur will forget about

the strike and take care of me.

I mean, Arthur wouldn't let me down, would he? Of course Arthur wouldn't let

down. I mean, Arthur's been my best friend for 30 years.

He wouldn't let me die for a few dollars.

I'll get you some more juice.

Okay, Walter, I'm on my way to the store.

Did you put the markdown tags on the merchandise?

Yes. Did you blow up all the balloons?

Yes.

Did any of them break?

Only three.

I shouldn't have bought seconds.

Walter, will you trust me? Everything is fine.

What about Sullivan?

I mean, he's been a great sales manager for 20 years, but you've got to keep on

him all the time.

Now, tell me the truth, Carol.

Has he been on the ball?

Because if he's not on the ball, we'd fire him just like that.

You don't have to fire Sullivan.

He's on the ball?

No, he quit.

He quit?

The sale is two days away and he walked out? How could he do that to me? Walter,

you were driving him crazy calling him every five minutes.

He said to me, Carol, if Walter calls me one more time, I'm going to quit.

That's when the phone rang.

I don't know how we can get him back.

Sullivan has two weaknesses.

Booze and broads.

I'll buy him a bottle and you can... Walter!

I thought you might have a friend.

All right, Walter, that's enough work.

Listen, I've got to get back. Now, trust me, everything is fine.

Carol, for some reason, I don't believe you.

All right, I lied.

We broke four balloons.

I could tell in her eyes she was lying.

Bye, Arthur!

Walter? Arthur, you're here.

I have to be careful who sees me. Walter?

I just snuck over here to show you that in spite of this doctor's strike, you're

still my best friend.

What? What'd I tell you? I'm here to let you know how concerned I am. Arthur's

gonna make me better. No, I can't do that. I'm just here to show you how

concerned I am.

Arthur, how can you call yourself concerned when your best friend is lying

in agony?

Please, Arthur, give him some medicine. We won't tell anyone. No one will know.

Maude, can't you understand we're fighting for a cause here?

The right to practice medicine without fear.

If we can accomplish that, we'll be better doctors.

You'll get better medical care.

So, if we don't treat the sick people now, the entire community can benefit

later. Yes, if there were any of us left.

Arthur, how can you be so heartless?

Heartless? Maude, I am on strike for the good of the people.

I became a doctor because I want to help people. I care for people. I love

people. If people can't see that, then to hell with them.

That's beautiful, Arthur.

Why don't you give it to Anita Bryant for her Easter outfit?

You're not in a very good mood, are you, Martin?

Of course I am not in a very good mood. My husband has been lying here with a

fever for three days now. He is sick, Arthur. He is miserable.

And he's worried to death about his anniversary sale, which he will not be

to go to now, thanks to you.

Carol and Sullivan can handle the sale. They don't need you, Walter. Yes, they

do. Nobody else looks good in the clown suit.

Walter. And I'm the only one the monkey likes.

You are not ha... Stopping, Walter!

Okay.

Arthur, I'm your best friend.

Help me.

Arthur, we go back 34 years.

We were in the Army together. Oh, Walter, don't, don't. Please don't. You

go to pieces when we talk about the old Army days.

Arthur, remember when we used to leave the post and go in for a couple of beers

and sit up all night singing?

The biscuits in the Army, they say are mighty fine.

One rolled off the table and killed a pal of mine.

I don't want no more of army life.

Gee, Mom, I want to go home.

Oh, those were the good old days, buddy.

See, Arthur, I'm your best friend.

Yeah, sure.

I know that, buddy.

And because you are my best friend, Walter, I think you understand why you

to stay sick.

Arthur Harmon, you get out of my house! You're no friend of Walter's.

No friend of Walter's? Don't be ridiculous. We go back to the army

Didn't you just hear me singing?

Yes, you're no friend of music either.

Now look here, Mrs. Spindley. I don't think it's for you, a relative stranger,

to say that I'm no friend of Walter's.

That's for Walter to say.

Go ahead, Walter. Tell her. You're no friend of mine.

Oh, okay.

So, that's it for friendship.

34 years, right down the drain.

My father always told me, never make friends in the army.

Okay.

You know, the trouble with you, Walter, is you're like all the rest of the sick

people in this town.

All you ever think of is yourselves.

Maude. Maude, are we wrong?

Honey, of course we're not wrong.

Now, sweetheart, I want you to lie back and relax because I do have a little bit

of good news for you, at least. It's going to make you feel much better.

that? Well, we have some new medicine for you.

Victoria got lucky and caught a frog this morning.

I thought you were cleaning the basement.

That's all right. You can clean it later.

Right now, I need your strength.

You won't believe this.

I've just been over to the Finley.

A friendship of 34 years has just been ground into the dust.

And you know why, Vivian?

Why did Walter think I'm responsible for his condition?

I mean, who is the person you know most alert to other people's discomforts?

I mean, who is the person you know most sensitive to human suffering?

Arthur. That's right, Arthur.

I am the most sensitive person I know.

Ah, Vivian, I know you. I'm sure you'll probably side with Maude and Walter.

But I'm sure you haven't the slightest idea how important this doctor strike

Not only for me, but for the entire community.

Arthur, I'm sick.

No, Vivian, you're not sick. Just misguided.

No, I'm sick.

Phil, I think I have glandular infection.

Oh, 102?

Vivian, you should be in bed. You need some medicine.

Medicine. Tetracycline. Luckily, I have two free samples right here. Oh, no, no,

no medicine.

No medicine?

I insist on standing behind you in this strike.

But, Vivian.

You're my wife.

You're probably closer to me than most of the people I know.

I don't care how sick I get.

I don't care if I die a horrible death.

Like that woman you told me about whose tongue turned black and it all shriveled

up. Vivian!

Well, that does it. I'm going to give you this shot right now.

But won't this compromise your integrity as a labor leader?

A labor leader?

Me?

Oh, that sounds so sweaty.

Vivian, this isn't a labor strike.

It isn't? What kind of strike? No, this is a doctor's strike.

I mean, we don't have picket lines. We don't have doctors with baseball bats

turning over hospital beds.

We're simply all getting together and not treating sick people.

That's all. We're just... Holy mackerel.

Did you hear what I just said?

Oh, I'm sorry. I thought I wasn't listening.

I said we're not treating sick people.

Oh, Vivian, I just remembered my oath as a doctor.

How in the world could I be on strike?

Oh, no. No, a doctor is a servant of the people.

These hands hold a sacred responsibility.

These hands hold the precious lives of our patients, our stockbrokers, the

managers of our apartment houses.

No, Vivian, I'm going to give you that shot right now, and I'm going to go

across and give Walter the other one. What if Hubie Binder finds out?

The devil takes Hubie Binder!

Remember, Vivian, I have to live with myself.

I just think you're wonderful.

I could just kiss you.

Not till after the shot.

Okay? Okay.

I don't know if you guys are in the mood to appreciate this, but the doctor

strike is going great.

Hubie, it's always nice to hear good news.

The big thing is we're all united.

There isn't one doctor practicing medicine, and you gotta give him credit,

because some of these sick people could tear your heart out.

I guess that God gives doctors extra strength at times like this.

I like to think so.

Oh, hello, Hubie.

Shut your eyes, doctor. I'm making a house call. Oh, bless you. I knew I

count on you.

Mort, call the store!

Don't let him cancel the monkey!

All right, Walter, you lucky duck. This is the last shot of this medicine I

have. Arthur, I'm shocked.

What are you doing?

He'll be trying to understand.

We have the God -given gift to heal.

If we withhold that gift, we don't deserve the right to call ourselves

If we withhold that gift, we're no better than dentists.

Think about that.

All right, Walter.

Richard T., come on up.

Hubie, I hope you're not going to turn Arthur in for this.

Uh, I get not that.

Because under the circumstances, blackballing Dr.

Arthur Harmon would be like blackballing Dr.

Albert Schweitzer.

Dr. Schweitzer?

Has he been scabbing, too?

Only with pygmies.

There you go! There you go, Walter, old buddy. That's going to make you feel a

lot better. Thanks, you old son of a gun. And, Arthur, that shot's going to

you feel a lot better, too. That's right, bud.

You know... Oh!

Suddenly I feel a little dizzy.

I'm feverish.

Oh, Arthur, you're not coming down with it, too.

I shouldn't have kissed Vivian.

Damn! I swear that's the last time I'm going to kiss that woman.

My throat. Hubie, you got any tetracycline in your bag?

Quick. Gee, Arthur, I'm a foot doctor. All I've got in my bag are Dr. Scholl's

odor eaters.

Arthur, never you mind. We're going to take care of you. You just come right

out. Walter.

I don't have any medicine.

I'm getting sick.

Sickness terrifies me.

Never mind.

Victoria!

videotape before a studio audience.