Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first brawler.

Angel Black, she showed up.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Oh, Vivian. Honey, I cannot tell you what to help you. You've been really

Philip's birthday party something special.

Well, this is very important to Philip, and since his mother can't be here, I'm

just glad to help out. I know how excited boys get when they turn 15.

When I turned 15, I got a few boys excited myself.

Right.

And after all, remember, I am his Auntie Vivian.

Well, of course, I'm not his real aunt, but, you know, in a way, that's lucky,

because you and I are best friends, and if I were his real aunt, then you and I

would be sisters, and I haven't spoken to my sister in years.

Keep blowing, Viv.

Oh, Viv, I don't know why, but lately birthday parties sort of depress me.

Well, if I'd had as many birthdays as you, they'd depress me, too.

Honey,

did you fill the punch bowl?

Yeah, haven't you seen it?

I knew you were going to do that.

So did I.

This party is going to be the best.

Philip, why would you say a thing like that?

It's a terrific party.

Look at all the streamers and all the refreshments and the balloons and your

grandma's going to be here and your Auntie Vivian is going to be here.

Of course, I'm not your real aunt. But, you know, in a way, that's fortunate

because if I were, then Maude...

Now you sit down right here and tell me why you think this party isn't going to

be fun.

Just look at this list of rules Grandpa gave me. List of rules?

One, the party will end at 10 .30.

Two, smoking is not permitted.

Three, loud music is not permitted.

Four, the lights will remain on at all times.

Five, when couples are dancing, music must be playing.

You're right, Philip. This party sucks tea bags.

Grandma, you're just going to have to tell Grandpa.

I mean, all my friends are older than me. They don't want to come to a dumb

party like this.

Philip, I have a few more things I want to add to that list. Look, Walter, I've

been going over your party rules, and I am really surprised.

Lord, I don't want to be too tough on the kids. I want them to have a little

fun.

These weren't written by a grandparent. They were written by a warden.

I bet they have better birthday parties at San Quentin.

Well, if those guys had these rules when they were kids, they wouldn't be in San

Quentin.

Walter, that's beautiful.

I'm going to put that on your headstone.

Tomorrow.

Walter, Walter.

Philip wants desperately to be accepted by his older classmates.

I mean, is it his fault that he was skipped a grade because of his

his brilliance? I mean, is he supposed to be punished because he inherited his

grandmother's mind?

Isn't that punishment enough, Walter?

are out of bounds. The downstairs bedrooms are out of bounds, which

I'm taking the mattresses off the patio furniture.

Now, that is enough.

Philip is 15 years old. He deserves our trust.

I mean, maybe you don't have faith in today's generation, but I do, and I can

assure you all the youngsters at this party will conduct themselves beyond

reproach. You'll see for yourself.

Not me.

What are you talking about? I'm not staying home. I'm going to a closed

TV fight with Yubi Binder.

Walter, how can you lay down all these strict rules and then walk out?

More of all these rules, the party's going to be very dull.

If that's Yubi, you tell him I'll be right down.

Hi, Mrs. Finley. Hello, Sam. Come on in.

Hi, Sam.

Hi, Philip.

Happy birthday.

Oh, gee, thanks, Sam. Honey, would you like some punch?

Oh, I can't stay. Jerry Carlisle invited me to a party over at his house. Oh.

You see, it's his parents' anniversary.

Oh, isn't that sweet? A boy giving his parents an anniversary party.

No, some friends are giving them a party in New Jersey, so Jerry's giving

himself one here.

Wow. Oh, Jerry and his band are going to play.

Wow. And they've got a girl who used to sing with the thankful sick.

Wow.

And they've got an outside dance floor and two kegs of beer floating in their

swimming pool.

Grandma, can I go to Jerry's party? No.

Honey, don't you worry. If things get too dull over at Jerry's, you're always

welcome to come here.

Oh, thank you, Mrs. Finley.

I'm really sorry, Philip. It's just that I accepted Jerry's invitation first.

I understand, Sam.

Hi, boy. Hello, Jerry. Say hello to Mrs. Finley. Hello, Mrs. Finley. Happy

birthday, Philip. Oh, thanks, Dr. Binder. Grandpa will be down in a

good. Uh, Philip, I want you to meet my nephew, Joseph.

I asked your grandfather to invite him to the party. I hope it's all right.

Sure. Hi, Joseph.

Hi. My uncle made me bring my violin.

I thought if the party got a little dull, Joseph could play his violin.

He's been taking lessons since he's eight years old. Oh, that's wonderful.

What songs does he play?

He hasn't gotten that far yet.

Well, I know one song, Uncle Hubie. Well, you might as well start playing it

right now.

Hi, Hubie.

Oh, hi, Walter. You ready to go to see the big fight? Hubie, I don't think so.

You see, Mort has a big party on her hands, and maybe we should stick around

sort of help out.

Let's go to the fight.

Happy birthday.

Happy birthday, fella.

Oh.

Oh. I love that.

Yeah.

Da -da. John Garfield played it in that movie.

Humoresque. But I can never remember the name of the song.

That's beautiful, beautiful.

Why don't you sit down? The other guests are over there. I've got to go finish

decorating the cake.

Hello. I'm Mary Patterson, and this is Jesus Escobar. Oh, come in, come in.

Hi, Mary. Hi, Susan.

I'm Philip's grandmother.

Patterson, Patterson, Patterson. That name sounds familiar.

Well, Mary's father is Dr.

Patterson, the dentist. Of course.

Happy birthday, Philip.

Oh, thanks, Mary.

But you didn't have to bring me a present, though. It was my pleasure.

Now, listen, kids, I don't want you to be shy. Just help yourselves to...

Mary, would you like some punch?

No, thank you. Sweet drinks are very bad for the teeth.

Oh, gee, thanks a lot, Mary.

You should take good care of them.

Hey!

How's the party coming?

It shows promise.

Let's not kid ourselves, Grandma.

Nobody else is coming. Oh, Philip.

They're all at Jerry Karloff's house.

The word's out that this is going to be a dull party.

That boy seems to be having a wonderful time.

He's from Venezuela.

He doesn't even speak English yet. He probably thinks he's at the other party.

Jesus? That's an interesting name. How does he spell it? J -E -S -U -S.

Good Lord, that's Jesus.

Don't those people have any respect for our religion?

Arthur, we use names from the Bible.

Hubie's nephew there is Joseph.

And my name's Mary.

That's right.

Named after the Blessed Virgin.

No. I was named after my aunt.

In South American countries, it's an honored custom to name boys after Jesus.

And there's nothing wrong with that.

Well, I don't like it. Why not, Arthur?

I mean, it's a tradition that we should adopt.

It's such a spiritually uplifting name.

Now, I think this country would be a lot better off if there were more boys

named Jesus and fewer boys named Chuck.

A hell of a lot better.

And you said no more guests were arriving. Go on, get the door, honey.

to give Viv a hand.

Oh, they probably have the wrong house.

Hi, Philip.

The electricity just went off over at Jerry's house. No one can play their

guitars. So everyone wanted to come here.

Sure, great.

Come on.

Philip was convinced it was going to be a drag.

That's nice.

Wait.

Marge, you know what's going on in there? It is outrageous.

What? A bunch of rowdy punks have crashed Philip's birthday party.

And they brought in six packs of beer.

Uh -oh. Oh, that could be trouble, Marge. Come on. Now calm down, Arthur.

There's nothing to be upset about.

Calm down?

Marge, you got a room full of delinquents just sitting there guzzling

They even handed cans to those three sweet kids that were here first.

Arthur's right.

I don't believe it.

Jesus, Mary, and Joseph are drinking beer.

I just don't understand you, Marty.

How can you be in the kitchen when there's a wild party going on in your

room? Arthur, I don't want to panic. Somebody smuggled in a little beer. They

are basically good kids.

Besides, I don't want Philip to think I'm spying on his party.

You're supposed to be spying. You're the chaperone.

I say where mixed couples are involved, a chaperone is absolutely essential.

We had one on our first date four years ago.

Oh, Vivian, I just wanted my mother to meet you.

Why did she sit between us in the car?

Vivian, that was then.

Maude, I saw some boys come in with guitars and another boy with more drums

there are in the Duke Ellington band.

Oh, I love the Duke Ellington band. We used to dance to his music all the time,

Arthur, his mother, and me.

Arthur, what is wrong with having musicians at a party? I just think it's

marvelous that they came.

Oh, boy, Maude, you are dense.

Guitars, drums, that's where they started.

Stash what? The junk, the smack, the grass, the pot.

Well, let's just be grateful they're not sneaking in dope.

You know something, Arthur? You are really becoming paranoid.

Oh, I am, am I?

It's time you wised up to these kids and where they stash their stuff.

Didn't you ever watch Mod Squad?

Oh, I loved Mod Squad.

We used to watch it all the time, Arthur, his mother, and me.

Grandma, if you're not going to do anything about this, I refuse to have

anything more to do with this party. You know, Arthur, this may come as a shock

to you, but you were never invited.

Good! I would have torn up my invitation.

You know, Ma, maybe we should just take a peek in the living room. It does seem

to be getting a little noisy.

Oh! Oh, I wasn't buying.

Oh, I'm sorry, Aunt Vivian.

Hey, Grandma, this is Jerry Carlock. Hey, hi.

my party better than his. He brought his band along with him. Tell her what you

said, Jerry. Hey, far out party.

Uh, excuse me, Jerry. I think you can find some other way to have a good time

without beer.

Hey, uh, yeah, maybe you're right.

Boy, far out lady, man.

Grandma, this party is great. I'm gonna be a big man after this.

You remember what Arthur said?

I think that boy was smoking pan.

Maud! Maud!

There are couples from the party out in your yard. And do you know what they're

doing?

Bouncing around, yelling, screaming, kicking.

Oh, come on, Arthur. That's the way kids dance today.

Lying down in the front yard.

We used to sit out a few dances when your mother got tired.

You know what, Maude?

You're an ostrich burying your head in the ground.

And there's a couple of kids out in the yard trying to do the same thing.

Arthur, go home.

Sure, Maude. That's your answer to everything. Arthur, go home.

Well, I'm going.

Wait till you see what's going on on your own front lawn.

But I'm warning you, Maude, none of those kids had better roll into my yard.

I just want to say that I really dig this thing.

I mean, I'm not a, you know, tight kind of square.

But I do have a request. I mean, I am a laid -back lady. We have a request for

Jimmy Quigley's laid -back lady.

A policeman? What does he want? I don't know. I saw him getting out of his squad

car and I ran back in here.

Maude. Maude. Arthur, thank goodness.

There's a policeman outside. Would you get rid of him, please?

Get rid of him? I'm the one that called him.

What for?

I gotta get some sleep.

I'm a doctor.

I tee off at 7 o 'clock in the morning.

Pardon me. I'm Officer Schofield.

I got a complaint from a Mr.

Smith about a noisy party.

Yeah, I'm Mr. Smith. The party's right in there.

Mr. Smith?

Actually, I'm Dr.

Arthur Harmon, prominent surgeon.

I use an assumed name to avoid the possibility of revenge.

Arthur, if you're worried about revenge, you should use an assumed name when you

practice surgery.

Officer, I'm Maude Findlay.

That's her real name.

Thank you.

Officer, maybe we could use your help. You see, my grandson is having a

party in there and it's getting a little out of hand. Now, don't you worry, Mrs.

Finley. I've got three kids of my own.

I'll take care of this.

I mean, is it necessary to go in there carrying a gun?

It is if my kids are in there.

I can't let you go in like that. I mean, there's no need for it. These

youngsters have been brought up to respect authority. When a policeman

them to quiet down, well, that'll take care of everything.

Fine, Mrs. Finley. Whatever you say.

Snoddy's supposed to fire a couple of shots in the air.

Vivian, maybe we should serve the cake. Then they'll eat and go home. I mean,

we've got to get them out of here somehow.

This cake is so beautiful, Maud. Oh, thank you so much, Viv. You know, I

most of the afternoon decorating it. All right, Maudie.

I'm going home again.

But if you don't break this party up, the police are going to get another call

from a Mr. Jones.

an unforgettable night for all of us.

Now, let's all sing happy birthday to Philip. Oh, and if any of you boys in

band know it, just chime in, okay?

Happy birthday!

All right!

All right!

Now, we have that beautiful birthday cake over there. Why don't you all dig

Hey, dig in!

a sheet of sandpaper, huh?

If you are not all out of here in ten seconds, I am going to go outside and

sandpaper the murals off the side of your vans, huh?

Uh

-huh.

You thought you were a big man, didn't you, drinking beer?

You know, that reminds me of my first date with my husband.

His mother got sick just like you.

Philip, I'm sorry if I ruined your birthday party, but I just didn't know

else to do.

Oh, that's okay, Grandma.

They didn't come for my birthday. They were only here because Jerry's house

a fuse.

Well...

At least you know who your real friends are.

And who could ask for better friends than Jesus, Mary, Joseph, and Sam?

I'll help you clean up, Mrs. Findlay. Oh, good, darling. Let's start with the

kitchen. Uh, Joseph, why don't you help us?

And bring Jesus.

Mrs.

Findlay, can I use your bathroom?

Of course, dear.

I have to brush my teeth.

Somebody hit me in the mouth with a piece of cake.

Well, Philip, now I know why adults are so rotten. Most of them started out as

children.

You know, I'm going to have to apologize to your grandfather when he gets home.

Oh, me too. I guess kids do need rules.

Honey, we all need them.

Grandma, before Grandpa gets home, let's go in the kitchen and spit a beer.

I have a better idea.

Why don't we go into the kitchen and watch Jerry throw up?

Oh, Vivian, what a night. I have never seen kids so uncontrollable, especially

the boys.

just wonder at what age young boys stop acting like wild animals and start

acting like responsible adults.

Boy, oh boy, what a fight.

Where's Walter? He's putting the car in the garage.

You should have seen it. It was the best fight of its kind I ever saw.

I don't really like boxing matches.

Nah, not the boxing match. That was a bomb.

There was this terrific fight at the refreshment stand over who would get the

last box of juju bees.

Grown men fighting for candy?

I guess some boys never grow up, Martin.

try to take away my jujubes.

WOD was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.