Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

And then there's more.

That uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Right or

You know something, Vivian, I really must be crazy.

I mean, here I am going on a television talk show to destroy the myth that women

are just sex symbols, and look at me, simply stunning.

Oh, well.

Oh, I just love the way you look. You look lovely. You look perfect.

You look absolutely perfect.

I've just never seen you look so beautiful. Well, thank you, Vivian.

Too bad about the dress.

The what?

You can't go on television in that dress.

Vivian, what are you saying? What's wrong with my dress?

It's brown.

I read an article in TV Guide that says when you wear brown on television, it

makes you look taller.

Oh, Vivian, please. They said Mickey Rooney always wears a brown suit.

Not brown enough.

Look, Vivian, I'm just going on a local talk show. I'm there to discuss women's

rights. Who cares how tall I look?

I understand.

I mean, Vivian, please, I really have a great deal on my mind.

Of course. Yeah. I mean, when Tuggy McKenna gets over here, we have to go

all these notes for tonight's show.

Who cares what TV Guide said?

Right.

Why should you bother about the color of your dress?

Right.

It did say blue is the most... Right.

Vivian, there you are. I thought I'd find you here. When I come home after a

very messy operation, I expect to find my dinner on the table.

Well, I just wanted to see Maude before she goes on Tuggy McKenna's talk show,

Arthur. Oh, Maude.

I'm just so proud that you and I share the same sex.

I know what you're going to do.

You're going to go on television and glorify that Leslie Perkins for all the

trouble she caused down at Walter's store.

More of that feminism bunk.

Arthur, I happen to have a great deal of respect for Leslie Perkins.

When she took over from Harry Freeman as assistant manager of Walter's store,

she demanded the same salary that Harry had received.

And I supported her. I mean, it's only fair.

No, it isn't fair.

Men deserve to be paid more. The American working man has a family to

food to buy, country club dues to pay.

And don't forget those outrageous doctor bills.

Right.

But, Arthur, women have responsibilities, too. They have bills

to buy. What are they supposed to do?

Vivian, I'm very proud of you.

You've come a long way in understanding the need for women's rights.

Thank you, Maude. I tried. No, you've done more than try.

Arthur, answer her. Women have responsibilities. What are they supposed

What they were born to do. Get married.

Vivian, did you hear that? Arthur, marriage is not the answer to a woman's

problems. It worked for me.

Vivian. Yes, Maude.

Try harder.

All right, Maude, go ahead. Go on television and tell the world what a

person Leslie Perkins is.

But let me warn you, you're going to get laughs with that dress.

You should never wear brown on television.

You wear blue.

There, there. Now, you see, Maude, did you read that same TV guide I read? No,

no, no, no, no. I have a patient who does television commercials. He says

makes you look short.

Vivian, you better call Mickey Rooney right away.

Really? I mean, I couldn't care less what I wear. I'm there to discuss the

issues. If I look too tall or I look too short.

Tuggy, please come in. Hi, Ma.

You remember Dr.

Arthur Harmon and Vivian? Hello, Tug. Hello, Tuggy. I never miss your show.

thank you. No, you know, the one I liked the best was that one where you

discussed the church today.

Remember? When you had that nice priest on with his two lovely children.

But then we'd better get home to my dinner.

Bye, Tuggy.

Bye, Maude.

Bye, Tuggy. Ciao.

Good luck tonight, Maude. I'll be watching you on television.

I won't.

I think we'd better go over some things before the show tonight, Maude. Of

course, Tuggy. What would you like to discuss first?

Uh, your dress.

My dress?

You shouldn't wear brown, Maude.

Look, Tuggy, just for my own curiosity, does brown make me look too tall or too

short? Too dumpy.

Tuggy, I am not going to change my dress. What?

On television, blue is the most flattering color.

Tuggy, listen and listen up close.

I am not going to change my dress.

Well, that's all I had to discuss.

You, uh, have any suggestions, Maude? Something you'd like to talk about? Yes,

yes. I want to talk about a wonderful woman named Leslie Perkins who works for

my husband down at the appliance shop.

You know, when she took over as assistant manager, she demanded that she

exactly the same salary as Harry Freeman did and Walter gave in. I was really so

proud of him. He overcame his male prejudice.

And he admitted that he had been wrong.

I say, do you think you could get them to come on the show tonight?

I never thought of that. I think that's a marvelous idea.

They're down at the store right now. Why don't I call them? Fine. They're not

too unfriendly toward each other. Oh, no, no, no, no. They've resolved their

differences. I can honestly say that Walter Findlay and Leslie Perkins see

to eye.

Sorry,

Walter. It's a really expensive earring. Would you please keep looking?

I'll keep looking if it takes all afternoon.

Wait a minute, wait a minute. I found it. Oh, thank heaven.

Nothing worse than the sound of the wind whistling through a pierced ear.

I almost had my ears pissed once.

You're kidding. When was that?

The day I got my draft notice.

Good one, huh?

Well, I'd better get back to work. I got all those equal paychecks to sign.

You know, Walter, you have a wonderful sense of humor.

I guess so.

Hey, Leslie, don't forget to file those printouts before you leave. Oh, no, I

won't. Walter, there's something I want to talk to you about. Sure.

Well, during our recent battle of the sexes, I came to appreciate your

strength. You see, I don't see myself as the winner.

I see Walter Finley as the winner because he had the courage to say he was

wrong. I find that very attractive.

Well, thank you very much, Leslie.

Anyway, I like what I see, and I want to go to bed with you.

Great. Why don't we do it tomorrow?

How's 12 .30?

12 .30 is good.

What did you say?

I said I want to go to bed with you. Oh.

I thought you... said you wanted to go to lunch.

Oh, tomorrow's bad.

I eat lunch at 12 .30.

Well, why don't we make it some other time?

Some other time?

Walter, I didn't want to upset you.

Who's upset?

I mean, the last thing in the world I want to do is make you uncomfortable.

Who's uncomfortable?

What's that tune you're playing?

Leslie, I'm a married man.

I don't want to break up your marriage, Walter. I just want to go to bed with

you. I love Maude.

She's a lot like me. We're both free spirits.

I hope she's not as free with her spirit as you.

This doesn't have to affect Maude at all. It's just a momentary thing between

you and me. Hey, it'd be a nice thing to do for one another.

Hello?

Maude, why are you calling? We haven't done anything.

Oh, yes. This is right here.

Maude wants to talk to you.

Don't tell her anything.

I've got to go home.

Just a minute.

Don't forget what I said.

I won't. I won't.

Will you promise me? I will. I will.

I want you to think about it.

I'm thinking.

I'm thinking.

Sorry, Mom. What is it?

Oh, yes, I'd love to. It sounds like fun.

Oh, and Walter, too, huh? Yes, I think it's important that you and Walter show

Tuckahoe on television what a good woman in the office can do for a small

businessman.

Great galloping galoshes.

She said that to you, Walter? She actually came right out and said that to

Awesome. You might be home.

Honey, are you home? Yes, Maude.

I don't know what you're talking about.

Okay, Maud.

Holy smoke, Walter. How did you handle it?

I was calm.

Cool.

Sophisticated.

What's that tune you're playing?

Malaguena.

I tell you, Walter, this is a sign of the times.

It's not really your fault.

Women today are just very forward.

It happened to me.

What happened to you? Well, some young nurses were attending one of my

operations, and right in the middle of surgery, I was pinched on the fanny.

Who did it? Who knows? We were all wearing masks.

It's crazy, Arthur. I couldn't believe she said it.

Well, it doesn't make any difference, does it?

You're a happy man.

You love your wife.

You have a wonderful marriage.

I mean, you wouldn't touch Leslie in a million years.

Walter!

Oh, boy, you've got to fire that girl. It's obvious.

Fire her? I can't!

Maude will think I'm getting back at Leslie for demanding equal pay.

Okay, then tell Maude the truth.

Tell Maude the truth.

Arthur, do you know what'll happen if I tell Maude that Leslie, her friend, an

attractive young girl, is after my body?

Of course I know what'll happen.

Maude'll laugh in your face.

But it's your job to convince her.

Arthur, you know, you really don't understand Maude. She'll be too upset.

She'll be crushed. She'll be devastated.

that's the price she'll have to pay.

I mean, Maude's the one that forced you to hire that pushy woman in the first

place, isn't she?

Let me tell you, Walter, this is a dangerous situation.

If you're fool enough to give her a man's wages, God knows what else you'd

her.

You're right, Arthur.

I got a fire list. Atta boy, Walter.

If I knew which one of those nurses pinched me, I'd fire her, too.

Believe me, the next time I perform surgery, we're not using masks.

I gotta handle this very delicately.

Hello, Leslie?

Walter here.

Yeah, uh... Remember what we were talking about just before I left the

What I thought you meant, lunch?

Yeah.

Well, you're fired. Goodbye.

You were too easy on her, Walter.

Am I blue?

Am I blue?

Oh, honey, listen. I want you to go right upstairs and take off this brown

jacket and put on something blue.

Why? Honey, you and I and Leslie Perkins are going to be on Tuggy McKenna's talk

show tonight. Isn't that exciting?

Television show?

Yes. Leslie Perkins and me? Now, look, honey, I'm going to take the station

wagon. I want you to meet me there in 15 minutes.

Wait a minute, Walt.

There's something I have to tell you. Honey, there's no time. Please, Walter,

hurry. Leslie's going to meet us there.

Sweetheart, would you do me a favor? Take off the turtleneck. Put on a tie.

You know, your red tie makes you look like Dan Rather.

Of course, your paisley tie makes you look like Morley Safer.

I think it's safer to look like Rather.

Unless you'd rather look like Safer.

Goodbye.

Did you hear that, Arthur? Now what do I do?

Why don't you wear an ascot and look like Tom Snyder?

Now, Lord, my viewers know my talk show is completely live and unrehearsed and

spontaneous. So it's important that you memorize these ad libs I've written.

A woman is only a woman, but a good cigar is a smoke.

Tuggy, that is the most inane, juvenile, asinine thing I have ever heard.

Maybe I'll give that one to Walter.

Walter, you didn't take off your brown jacket. You didn't take off your

turtleneck. Now you can just go on television looking like a short brown

There's something very important I must tell you. Nothing is more important than

wearing blue on television. When will you understand that?

Hey, folks, everything looks fine.

Hey, Walter, don't be nervous.

You're a man. It's all right if you look dumpy.

What I'm trying to tell you is that I can't go on the show tonight with Leslie

Perkins. What do you mean you can't go on? Why not?

Because I fired her today.

You fired Leslie? Why?

I'd rather not say. Well, of course you wouldn't, because you know you don't

have any case.

Walter, you deliberately fired her to get even with her for demanding equal

Walter, I was so proud of you. I thought you had grown a little.

Now I see how small and petty you really are. Oh, I'm so embarrassed for you, I

don't know where to look.

Now, hold on, Lord.

You're always taking Leslie side.

Well, this time, Leslie wants one equal right too many.

This time, Leslie wants me.

Leslie wants you?

Yes.

For what?

She wants to go to bed with me.

What?

Betty pie.

Arthur said you'd laugh.

Go ahead, don't believe me. You'll see.

Leslie won't be here tonight.

She'll be too embarrassed.

Am I late?

It's been one of those days.

Come on, you've got to talk to Walter.

He fired me, and I don't know why.

You don't know why. You know why. She knows why.

little mistake and you say I'm through.

Oh, Leslie, it's obvious he's just trying to get revenge on you for

equal pay.

You think so? Well, of course. Oh, Maude, thank you for understanding.

What possible excuse did he use this time? What, were you a few minutes late

getting to work or did you take too long at your lunch hour? No, no, I asked him

to go to bed with me.

All right, all right, everybody's here. Great, great, great.

About five minutes till airtime. Oh, I came up with a great title for the show.

The Modern Woman, How Far Will She Go?

Leslie, do you mean that you actually asked my husband to go to bed with you?

Maude, in all fairness to Leslie, she was overcome by passion. That's right.

It is?

Well, it was just one of those impulsive things that happens between modern

adults. We were in Walter's office kidding around. It seemed like a good

the time. Oh, Maude, you know how it is.

I'm a liberated, upfront woman just like you. Now, maybe it was dumb, but it's

how I felt.

Is that any reason to fire me?

Yes. Why?

Why couldn't you just say no?

I don't think that fast on my feet.

You know how it is. You manage a real estate office. There are a lot of men

there. Now, I'm sure you've been propositioned. Well, that's true.

I mean, the same thing happened to me just last week. And did you fire the

No, I did not.

Then how did you handle it? I simply explained to him that I was married. I

him it was out of the question, and I gave him a nice raise.

Now there, Walter, that is my idea of a solution.

Give you a raise? I'd rather go to bed with you.

Walter, nobody is going to bed with anyone.

Now look, Leslie admitted.

She admitted she made a mistake. Walter, why won't you reconsider?

Nothing doing. I won't have a woman in my store that does against nature.

That's right.

I mean, she made the first move.

And that's not nature's way.

The male animal is supposed to make the first move.

The stallion goes after the mare.

The bull goes after the cow.

Did you ever hear of a chicken going up to a rooster and saying, you want a cock

-a -doodle -doo? Come on.

Walter.

Walter, you're afraid of legend. No.

Yes, you are. Yes, you are.

that's the reason you fired her. You're afraid of her.

All right, I admit it.

I've never had a woman come on like that before.

A man likes to be in control of the situation.

My poor baby.

Honey, there's nothing to worry about. I love you, and I trust you.

Okay, Maude, if you want Leslie back, go ahead and hire her.

But I'm warning you, I'm only human.

Which reminds me, I have to go tinkle.

Well,

that's settled.

After all this silliness, everything finally turned out all right, didn't it?

Nope.

No? What are you worried about, Maude?

You.

Me?

Maude, I don't understand you.

I did what any emancipated, free -spirited woman would do. I was just

my... thing. No, you were trying to do my thing.

Women's emancipation has nothing to do with cock -a -doodle -doodling with

somebody else's rooster.

Turkey.

You're mad at me, aren't you, Mark? In my book, there is a big difference

between equality and messing around.

Does this mean I'm not going to get my job back?

The word yes comes to mind.

But I want that job.

Well, Leslie, you'll get another job. I mean, you're bright.

God knows you're versatile.

I want that job.

I want to be an executive.

I love the responsibility.

I love the challenge.

I love to boss people around.

There, there, there.

I want to tell people what to do with their jobs. I want to tell them when to

come and go, to point out their mistakes to them.

Can't you understand? I want to fire people.

Leslie, Leslie, come on, dear. You be an executive somewhere else, and then you

can fire lots and lots and lots of people.

You promise?

I... square.

Oh, thank you, boss.

I can't go on television. My eyes are all red and puffy.

Leslie, underneath it all, you're just a soft little pussycat, aren't you?

Uh -huh.

I'm sure glad I found that out before Walter did.

Goodbye, Leslie.

Goodbye, Maude.

And, Maude, you shouldn't wear blue on television.

It makes you look too mean.

Where is she going? She's not going to be on the show tonight.

She's not? No, she's not. What do you mean? What are we going to talk about?

Well, we are going to talk about women's rights, but...

We're also going to talk about love and marriage and people who make commitments

to each other.

And I'm going to talk about a man who loves his wife so much that under no

circumstances would he ever be unfaithful to her.

Come on, Walter. You know Tuggy doesn't do science fiction on his show.

Rod was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.