Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. No, no, Maud.

You're lovely to look at.

Delightful to know.

And a heaven to kiss.

Oh, God, you're foxy.

God, I... What?

What?

Why are you standing around singing when we're due at the club at 7 .30?

You know it's my big night. I can't be late.

Now, for crying out loud, would you put on my tie?

Hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry, hurry.

Walter,

you are on the verge of a nervous breakdown. And for what?

Some dumb trophy you're getting at your country club. Hold it, Maud.

There is no such thing as a dumb trophy.

I wanted to point that out to you before you made a complete fool of yourself.

Carol, Carol, can you imagine getting this excited because you're voted most

improved golfer of the month?

Okay, Mrs. Ipsy Pipsy.

Doesn't sound like much to you, but only 12...

man a year win that trophy.

Walter, Mother's very proud of you.

She just doesn't like going to those country club dinners. Oh, I love going

the country club dinners. I just wish they didn't serve food.

The club's doing the best they can. I told you we lost our old chef.

Has anybody looked in the clam chowder?

Let's stop standing around criticizing the food and get dressed.

Walter, you are the one who isn't dressed.

Yes, but I'm not criticizing the food.

I'll get it.

Hi, hon.

Oh, hi, Maude. Hello, Andy.

Hey, Carol, we better step on it. If we don't get there by nine, the lodge won't

hold the reservation.

Honey, I want you and Carol to just have a wonderful time this weekend, you

hear? Oh, we will.

Honey, if you'll take the suitcases, I'll be there in a minute. Okay. Bye,

Maude. Bye. Oh, and again, Andy, have a wonderful time.

Oh, it's going to be sensational.

The Lake Louise Lodge is the most romantic spot for lovers in the

Andy, have a wonderful time, but don't tell me about it.

Andy, suitcase.

Oh, right, right.

Mother, will you do me a favor? When Philip gets home, give him this note and

this $10.

Darling off on a business trip?

Miss you, Mother?

Mother. Business trip?

Don't start, Mother.

Carol, why do you act as if you and Andy are going away for a dirty weekend?

We are.

Carol!

Well, that's the way most people think of it. Well, you don't, and I don't. Now

sit down. Mother, Andy's waiting. Andy will wait.

Don't get cute.

Now, why do you have to tell him that you're off on a business trip? Do you

realize that on his next birthday, Philip is going to be 15 years old?

I know that, Mother. It's just that when Andy and I started going on these

weekends, I felt Philip was too young to understand.

And I haven't gotten around to straightening it out. Well, I think you

Honey, don't let that baby face fool you. He is a very mature young man.

Remember, honey, he's your son.

He was raised by an intelligent, sensitive, thoroughly understanding

grandmother.

You raised him? Where was I?

Most of the time, off on your dirty weekends.

Oh, really, honey? Don't you think it's time to be honest with Philip? Yes,

mother, you're right. I agree with everything you've said.

I always... to him, to be honest. And believe me, if he were here, I would

him the truth.

Hi.

Sam, I picked up some books from the library. Honey, honey, you're just in

Goodbye, darling.

Uh, Carol, isn't there something that we both agreed you owe Philip?

You're right, my love.

Philip, here's ten dollars, dear. Have a nice weekend.

Carol, just a minute.

Philip,

Philip, I think that you are old enough to understand a meaningful relationship

between a man and a woman.

Well, your mother and Andy have had this kind of relationship for quite some

time now, and people who feel this way about each other, well, they have the

need to be together and express those feelings.

So, this weekend, your mother and Andy are going away on a...

They're going away on a... Another phony business trip.

Right.

You've known about this?

Well, Andy's a great guy.

And my grandma says you and Andy have a meaningful relationship.

Besides, you've been going on these weekends for over a year.

Honey, why didn't you say anything?

I thought the $10 was hush money.

would say we have done a very good job with this young man.

Well, I guess we have.

Thanks, Mother.

Thanks, babe.

Bye. Goodbye, honey.

Oh, Philip. Philip, I'm so proud of you.

You've accepted the situation in a very mature manner, and I think you deserve a

little something extra as a reward.

Only five dollars?

I don't have any guilt. I'm married to Walter.

Honey, we'll be home about midnight. I'm sorry you can't come with us. Oh, don't

worry about me, Grandma. Sam's coming over. We're going to study tonight. Oh,

great. Listen, I have an idea. How would you like to have Sam spend the night?

Hey, that'd be great. Terrific.

There's ice cream in the freezer. You can make some popcorn. Have I ever met

Sam? Oh, yeah, last week at the basketball game.

I don't think I remember him. What?

I want you to listen to my acceptance speech.

Get dressed. Well, just listen.

Firstly, introduce me.

And there's big applause.

I'm very popular.

A lot of people at the club say I remind them of Clark Gable.

A lot of people at the club are drunk, Walter.

Now, come on, birdlegs. Go and get your pants on.

You know, Grandma, maybe you better ask Sam's parents.

It would sound better if the invitation came from you. That's a very good idea.

They won't be home yet, so you can just leave a message on their answering

machine.

Here, wait for the beep.

Wait for the beep.

Hello. This is Maude Findlay.

Look, your Sam is coming over to study with my grandson, Philip, and I thought

since Philip has bunk beds, well, it might be nice if Sam spent the night.

Come in.

I wasn't talking to you, machine.

This is my friend Vivian. Actually, she's my closest friend. What am I

Well, you look beautiful, too.

Hello, Philip.

Hi. Well, what are you up to tonight?

My friend Sam's coming over to spend the night, and we have to study for an

exam. Now, there's the kind of boy that renews your faith in the younger

generation. He's going to stay home and study, even though his mother's away

working hard on a business trip.

Not a business trip. Boy, Dr. Harmon, you're living in a fool's paradise.

Philip, not in front of the KID.

Right.

They told him about Carol and Andy.

Well, Marty, I see you're poisoning this boy's mind with your liberated view on

you -know -what.

It's all right, Dr. Harmon.

about sex in school.

Does your teacher know about this?

Arthur, he is talking about sex education.

Arthur, times have changed.

It's no longer a subject that's only mentioned in whispers.

Well, I think it's disgusting, and there's entirely too much talk about it.

mean, that's the whole problem. Everybody talks about sex, but nobody

anything about it.

Arthur, you do the best you can.

I don't want to be late. They may run out of chicken or loctine. Oh, I love

that.

Honey, you and Sam have a wonderful night. See you later.

I'm coming. Oh, now listen, Philip.

I don't want you messing up the kitchen. And I want you to keep this door

locked. Do not let in any strangers.

Hi, I'm Sam.

Oh, come on in, Sam.

You'll be spending the night. I left a message with your phone.

I'm Tom and Walter.

I'm Philip.

I expect both of you in bed by 1130.

Philip, open the door.

Sam, would you mind stepping into the den, please? I'd like to talk to Philip.

Oh, sure, Mrs. Findlay. It'll just be a few moments.

See you later, Philip.

Right. You little son of a gun.

Walter, this is no laughing matter.

Sit down, Philip.

Now, Philip, I want you to be honest.

You knew all along that Sam was a girl, didn't you?

grade.

You son of a gun.

Now,

just a minute, Philip.

You knew I had no idea that Sam was actually Samantha.

You should have said, no, Sam cannot spend the night because I'm a boy and

a girl.

Why would a boy say a dumb thing like that?

Sorry, I'm just a little edgy.

My grandson lied to me. He deceived me.

Tricked me into inviting a girl to spend the night. Philip, I am... I am hurt. I

am genuinely hurt.

The one thing I have always expected from you is honesty.

Grandma, honest.

I wasn't trying to trick you into anything.

Oh, Philip, I want to believe that so much.

I want desperately to believe that the grandson I love so much is honest, And

decent. I expected you to understand.

You see, I'd like to have a meaningful relationship with Sam. And I have a need

to express those feelings.

You know, like Mom and Andy are doing.

Walter,

could I see you in the kitchen?

Go to the kitchen!

Philip, you stay here.

Walter, it's obvious you're going to have to speak to Philip. Why don't we

send the girl home? I have to get to the club. It would kill me if Arthur

accepted the trophy for me. Walter, Philip needs the guidance of a father

figure. Now, he worships you. He respects you.

So it's obvious that you have to be the one to explain to him the difference

between his mother going off for a weekend with Andy and his having a girl

the night here. All right.

But what is the difference?

Walter, if I knew, would I send a dummy like you in there?

wants to talk to you. Sure, Grandpa.

Uh, Philip, there are some things a boy ought to know. Walter, don't call him a

boy. He's practically a man.

Philip, listen.

You're practically a man. Now, maybe you shouldn't say that and get his hopes

up. Boy is better.

What? Why don't you tell him?

Walter, you're doing fine.

Okay.

Philip, ask him what he would think of adults who would let a girl spend the

night at a boy's house.

Philip, what would you think of adults who would let a girl spend the night at

boy's house?

I'd say they're really understanding, enlightened, and liberated.

Walter, don't you think you've done enough damage?

Philip, let me explain.

You see, at your age, having a girl spend the night is totally

I mean, it is something that is both psychologically unsuitable and socially

unacceptable. And on top of that, Philip, it is morally wrong.

Why?

What? Why?

Why? Why is it wrong for Sam and me and okay for Mom and Andy?

I'm going to hit him.

Sure. When in doubt, hit a kid.

I'm sorry, honey. I didn't mean to lose my temper.

Yeah, but I know what it means when you say that. It means you don't have an

answer. I know you can't prove to me that morals are for kids and that

around is for adults.

So I won't embarrass you any further.

I really want to hit him.

Maude, my father always told me that often the raging river overflows in

the midst of the midnight storm.

But in the calm of the morning, the banks dry out under the

kindness of the sun.

Now I want to hit you.

He sharpened knives for a living.

Listen to me, Philip.

I admit I don't have all the answers.

But I do know this.

Until you are old enough, you simply have to play by our rules.

But, honey, at least give me credit for one thing.

I've always been honest with you.

I'm afraid Sam is going to have to go home.

Sam, you can come out of the den now.

Oh, Sam.

Sam, you know something? You remind me so much of myself when I was your age.

So I imagine you were listening at the door and I don't have to fill you in on

the conversation.

Oh, I didn't have to listen at the door. Your voice carried right over the

television show I was watching.

What were you watching?

The World at War.

been a slight misunderstanding, dear. I'm afraid you're going to have to go

home.

Oh, I wasn't really planning to stay over, Mrs. Findlay.

You weren't?

Oh, no. My father would never let me stay over at a boy's house. He's very

strict.

Boy, wait till he hears Grandma's message about the bunk bed.

Mother! Walter, I thought you'd be at the club by now. Hey, what are you doing

home? Oh, we got as far as Stanford. I realized I forgot my allergy pills. Hi,

Sam. Hi, Mrs. Trainor.

Sam, it's... Is someone coming to pick you up? A great station wagon pulled up

right behind us. Oh, that's my father.

Oh, boy, is he going to kill me?

Oh, now, don't be silly, Sam. Honey, it was my error.

Yeah, but he's very uptight about stuff like this. You watch, he'll go right

through the roof.

Sam, honey, why don't you go and meet your dad at the curb and save him a long

walk?

That's probably your father now. Lord, wait. Let's get our story straight.

Walter, don't be silly.

Okay, go ahead. You're the one who invited her here. I'm in the clear.

Walter, it's just a harmless misunderstanding.

And if Sam's father is as straight -laced as she says, believe me, I can

care of him.

If there's anything I cannot stand, it's a person with a holier -than -thou

attitude.

Holy Toledo.

Nothing personal.

Come in.

I demand to know what kind of a house this is. Oh, well, it's a two -story

colonial house with four bedrooms and a den.

We are the Findleys. I'm Philip's grandmother.

This is his grandfather.

Step -grandfather.

I want to know exactly what's going on around here.

When I got home just now, I found a very disturbing message on my dial -a

-prayer machine.

Mort, why don't you fill him in? I'll go get some refreshments. Walter.

I think we have waverly wafers out in the kitchen.

You stay right where you are, Walter. Remember, we have done nothing wrong in

the eyes of the Lord.

As you see, I speak your language.

Mrs. Findley, if you think you can joke your way out of this, you haven't got a

snowball's chance in hell.

You see, I speak your language, too.

Reverend, I'm afraid there's just been a harmless misunderstanding.

You see, when I invited your daughter to spend the night, I just assumed that

she was a boy. You know, the name Sam.

Yes, but Philip knew she was a girl.

Now, what kind of a boy would pull a trick like this?

Reverend, please, he's just a child. Remember, you were once a child

Yes, I was.

But I never got away with diddly.

Oh, Carol, Carol, this is Sam's father, the Reverend Harper.

Reverend, this is my daughter, Carol Traynor. She's Philip's mother.

Hello. Hello.

Well, Sam, get your books together. Let's go. Oh.

Reverend, I hope you're not taking this seriously. I mean, I hope that you'll

allow Sam and Philip to study again together tomorrow.

Mrs. Finley, I'm afraid I can't permit that.

You see, I hardly think that Philip would have tried to pull a trick like

if he didn't come from a... well, from a permissive household where there were

so -called liberated views on the male -female relationship.

What's going on here? Nothing I cannot handle. Of course we have liberated

on the male -female relationship.

Philip, come here.

We want Philip to have a healthy attitude.

There's nothing immoral about that.

I face this thing honestly with Philip because I value honesty above everything

else. And I can assure you that Philip gets the best possible moral example

all the adults in this home.

Carol, would you hurry up? If we don't get there by nine, we lose the motel

room.

Motel? Who is this?

Oh, that's my mother.

That's Carol's Andy.

You see, she's going on a business trip, and he is her business associate.

Yes, they are going to a motel, but you see, they're taking up motel management.

Yes, they are spending the night in the same room, but there's a very good

reason for that.

They're married!

Right!

Oh, well.

And judging from the looks on their faces, I'd say very recent.

Congratulations.

I'm sorry, Mrs. Findlay. I was very upset, but I didn't mean to impugn your

moral integrity.

I guess I got, as we say in the trade, a little hot under the collar.

Reverend, often the raging river

overflows in the midst of the midnight storm.

But in the calm of the day, the bank dry out.

Under the kindness of the sun.

My, that's lovely.

Is it from the Bible?

Yes, it is.

You're a good woman, Mrs. Finley.

Well, come along, dear. We'd best be going. You can come back tomorrow

and study with Philip again.

Okay. Bye, Philip.

Bye, Sam. See you tomorrow.

Funny, I don't remember that raging river quote from the Bible.

Then I haven't been reading the Bible as much as I should lately.

I'm so busy reading all of those books by Watergate defendants who found

Good night.

Good night.

Could we go now, Carol, please?

Mother, you owe me an explanation. You lied right in front of Philip.

Carol, I was only trying to protect our family's good name.

Philip understands, don't you, darling?

Sure, Grandma.

Same old thing. I gotta be honest and you don't.

Philip, wait. Philip, wait!

Goodbye, Mother.

Carol, let me explain. You're late. I'll talk to you later.

Walter, nobody understands.

More forget it. Let's go to the club.

Walter, you understand, don't you? I mean, you know that sometimes for the

of the greater good, it's necessary to be dishonest. Are you kidding?

How do you think I became the most improved golfer of the month?

Son of a gun.

Bod was recorded on videotape for a studio audience.