Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then

there's Maude. And then there's Maude. And then there's Maude. That

uncompromising, enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. No, no, Maude.

Morning, Marty. Hi, Maude. Wait till you see me. I'll be with you in just a

second. Oh. My Aunt Tinky is calling me from the airport in Schenectady.

She is flying down here to spend a week with us.

Your aunt, Tinky? She is a terrible old woman, just awful. Nobody can stand her.

She's the only person in Schenectady who was ever thrown out of a Tupperware

party.

Tinky, how are you?

Tinky, why are you phoning me? I mean, why aren't you on the plane?

Oh, they're just boarding.

Of course they will let you go to the bathroom on the plane.

Airplanes are perfectly safe. I demand that you get on board.

Tinky? Tinky?

Operator, all I can hear is static.

Right. She'll call me back.

Why doesn't your aunt want to get on the plane?

Tinky is deathly afraid of flying.

Why doesn't she take a Greyhound bus?

She's even more afraid of live chickens and picnic baskets.

You know, Mott, I don't think you ever told me you had an aunt named Tinky.

Not that I blame you.

Well, she's really not my aunt. She's just this terrible old friend of my

mother's. You know the type. I always had to kiss her goodbye, but she never

left.

If you don't like her, then why did you invite her down here?

Guilt. Guilt! Guilt! I really should have my head examined.

Do you know, the last time she called me, she said, Oh, what do you care about

poor old woman when you're having so much fun with your rich friends?

Oh, aren't you exaggerating just a little? Vivian, I swear to you, her tea

kettle doesn't whistle.

It whines.

Oh, enough about you. What are all these? Oh, well, we just ran over to

where we're going on our trip.

We don't have very much time. We still have a lot of packing to do, but we want

you to see these brochures.

Oh.

Oh,

how I envy you two going off to a romantic island paradise.

Oh, I'd give anything in the world to get away for a few days, but...

Walter says we can't afford it. It's so expensive.

Boy, I'll say. Our hotel room costs practically 100 smackaroos a day.

Oh, that's so much money.

Yes, that's why Arthur says thank heavens for those Medicare patients.

Vivian.

He says just give him 20 of those sick old people and it's around the world in

80 days.

got to go home and pack.

All right, Arthur.

Twenty of those sick old people.

I don't want you to get the idea that I profit here from Medicare more.

I mean, I only take what the government gives me.

That's right.

It's not his fault it happens to be a fortune. Vivian!

Yes, operator, put it through.

Ah, Tinky, I did not hang up on you.

I am sorry about that.

Now, I'm sorry.

I am sorry about that.

That's right, static.

You...

Aunt Tinky, you should not have done that. I told you, plane travel is

safe. I'm really... Tinky?

Tinky? Tinky?

Operator, we were cut off, and I just want to say thank you.

Okay, Mort, I'm off to the airport to pick up your Aunt Tinky. No, that was

Tinky on the phone just now.

You know what that terrible woman did?

She put a dollar in one of those machines and bought a $50 ,000 flight

policy naming me beneficiary.

Why would she do that? Oh, to make me feel guilty, Walter.

She said, if anything terrible happens, don't blame yourself for killing me, Ma.

Just enjoy the blood money.

Guilt, guilt.

What? What for?

Oh, these are Arthur and Viv's travel brochures.

Oh, Walter, I envy them. You know we haven't been on a vacation in ages.

tight, Maude. I know, but, honey, after Aunt Tinky leaves, couldn't we go away

somewhere just the two of us, just for a couple of days?

A couple of days.

Well, why not? Where do you want to go? Oh, honey, I could go anywhere just to

get out of the house. Where? As long as it doesn't cost too much. Sweetie, I

don't care if we go a block away.

Come on, Maude, where would you like to go?

Rome.

Rome. Rome where the Pope lives?

Honey, we don't have to see him if we don't want to.

Mort, are you crazy?

I'm sorry.

You should have married a travel agent.

I think I did once.

Mort, I better get to the airport now. What airline is she coming in on?

American? United?

Allegheny? Scooby -Doo.

Scooby -Doo Airlines. It's one of those...

One of those low -cost commuter operations.

But, Walter, we saved eight dollars.

Scooby -doo.

Tinky won't mind. She's spending the whole trip in the toilet.

Okay.

You know, I don't even know what your Aunt Tinky looks like. How will I

recognize her? Oh, that's very easy. Just...

Look for a woman with a terribly pained expression on her face who looks as

though she feels life is not worth living, not even for another minute.

And that will be Tinky? No, that'll be the person who sat next to her on the

couch.

She'll point her out to you.

Tinky's not here yet?

No, I guess her plane was delayed.

I'm fixing lunch for her.

She never wants lunch, does she?

Oh, that is not quite true.

She never wants lunch when you have it ready for her. But if you have not

prepared anything, then she says, where is my lunch? I'm famished.

So this time I'm playing it safe. I'm making her lunch, but I'm using chicken

was going to throw out anyway.

Poor Tinky.

Poor Tinky?

Well, Mother, you have to admit she is sort of a sad case.

You know, Carol, I've always suspected that you like Tinky, don't you?

That's silly.

Admit it, admit it, you like Tinky. And you know why? Because when you were

little, she used to make you those molasses cookies.

I hated those damn molasses cookies.

Besides, she also used to tell me if I had sex before marriage, I'd go bald.

I remember when you were in high school, you were always pleading with me to

take you shopping for turbans.

So what makes you think I like her? Oh, because you've always been more

forgiving of people than I. It's one of your weak points. Oh, admit it, Carol.

You love Tinky. Mother, I do not love Tinky. Admit it. I want you to say, I

Tinky. I love Tinky. I do not love Tinky. I hate her as much as you do.

You're a good daughter, Carol.

Maude. Maude.

I just heard it on the radio.

Heard what?

A plane coming from Schenectady.

He crashed.

No. What airline?

Oh, I don't think I heard it right. It sounded like Scooby -Doo.

I think he... Oh, no. Oh, my God.

Were there any survivors?

Well, they're not sure. They can't even get to the plane. But, Maude, it doesn't

look very good. It crashed in a mountainous area.

Oh.

Oh, poor...

Sweet dear Tinky.

Come on.

She always used to make me molasses cookies.

I'd say a prayer, but there are no prayers and no

words to describe.

how one feels at a time like this.

Maude.

Yes, Viv?

Why don't we all hold hands and sing feelings?

Go on vacation.

I guess I'd better call Walter at the airport. He probably hasn't heard about

this. Maybe he can get us some more information on the crash.

Oh, Bo.

Mort. Oh, Walter.

any strange twist.

We are mere mortals.

We don't have any control over what the fates decree.

What I'm trying to say, Mort, is Tinky is not with me.

I know.

But thank you for trying to break it to me so gently.

Break what to you?

That Tinky is dead.

You knew?

Viv told me.

I wanted to tell her.

I'm sorry.

Big mouth.

I heard it first.

She's my wife. I should have told her. Well, she's my best friend, and I have

some rights, too, you know. Boy, you spoiled everything, Vivian. Will you two

stop it?

A woman is dead. How can you stand there and bicker over who's going to tell

mother?

You're right, Carol. I'm sorry.

I guess I could tell Aunt Rhonda up in Boston.

I want to tell Aunt Rhonda.

At least I can tell Arthur.

I already told him.

Nobody left for me to tell!

Maud,

what is it?

Oh, Walter.

Walter, I was the one who forced Tinky to get on that plane.

Maud, it's not your fault.

Walter. Walter, if it hadn't been for me, Tinky would be alive right now.

I killed her.

Don't say things like that. It's an act of God.

It's ironic.

Tinky takes out a $50 ,000 insurance policy just to make Maud feel guilty,

then the plane actually crashes.

Oh, the guilt. The guilt. Oh, the guilt.

You're going to get $50 ,000, man.

Walter, who cares? I killed her. I...

And nothing, nothing can take away this awful, horrible guilt that is eating

away at my insides. Nothing, nothing can take my mind off that.

There must be something.

Maybe a trip to Rome would do that.

God, I swear I didn't mean that about Rome. I swear it, I swear it. Walter,

out my tongue. What? Pull out my tongue.

Of course you didn't mean it. It's just a shock. Of course, Maude. It's

perfectly understandable.

Thanks, Viv. I mean, it's not every day you're responsible for someone's death.

Oh,

you're right. You're right.

I suppose we should try to get some more information on the crash.

I'll go call Arthur. He has a friend who works for the Associated Press.

I'll throw Tinky's lunch away for you, Mother.

She'd like that.

Thank you, Carol.

Oh, Walter. Walter, I cannot believe that plane actually crashed. I cannot

believe it.

Maude, you can't let this get the best of you. Walter, I am not to be forgiven.

I mean, Tinky meets a horrible fate, and the next thing you know, I'm talking

about taking my husband and going off to Rome on her insurance money.

Walter, how can you be so insensitive?

Don't say things like that. I'm thinking of you.

I happen to be a very tender, caring, sensitive human being.

I'm as upset about Tinky as you are.

Should I tell Arthur anything else before he calls the Associated Press?

See if you can get a score on the Jets game.

I'm sensitive, but life has to go on.

I think I'll get something to eat.

I'm just going to let us know the minute he finds out anything.

Thanks, Peter.

Mother, I'll go upstairs and call Aunt Rhonda about Tinky. Never mind, honey.

I'll call Rhonda myself later.

Oh, no, Mother. I insist.

Do you have enough to do? All right, but don't you dare tell anybody else.

Oh, all right.

Maude.

What I've been thinking about Tinky... Let's go to Rome!

That just strikes me as so unfeeling. What do you think, Carol?

Well, I don't see what difference it'd make.

What about you, Viv?

I think Tinky would have wanted it that way.

No, she wouldn't.

Who cares what she thinks? We paid for the plane ticket.

Ronda before some blabbermouth gets there first.

On life's highways, there are many strange twists.

Think about it, Maud.

Rome.

And our travel agent could arrange things very quickly, Maud. He's

Oh, Walter, Walter, don't you understand? I have as much guilt as I

handle. I mean, if we were to go away on a luxury trip to Rome on Tinky's

insurance money, I could never forgive myself.

Maybe the Pope could forgive you.

Ask him.

The worst he could say is no.

Walter, you know what we could do?

We could go to Rome.

But it won't be a vacation.

I mean, that would be so ugly.

We could... We could make it a sort of... a pilgrimage in Tinky's honor.

Was she Catholic?

What the hell's the difference? That's a marvelous idea.

When should we go? As soon as we can.

Now, wait a minute. Tinky didn't have any relatives, so we'll have to make the

funeral arrangements. Do you know that we could have her up in Schenectady,

buried by Tuesday, be back here Wednesday, and then leave for Rome? Why

bury her right here in Tuckahoe? It's closer to JFK International.

That would work, too.

Foster, please. Maude, come here and talk to my travel agent. He'll arrange

everything. Mr. Foster. Oh, this is so exciting.

Mr. Foster and Maude Findlay.

I'm a friend of Vivian Harmon's.

Yes, my husband and I are planning a holy pilgrimage to Rome.

Yes, and coming... Honey, how long are we going to stay?

A week.

My husband will be coming home after a week, but I'll be there three weeks to a

month.

Yes, and we'd like to stay at a little place I've read about, the Villa

Mortadella. Yes, we'd like it sweet.

Money is no object.

Yes, it is a pilgrimage, but we're not fanatics.

Oh, thank you. Thank you. Thank you very much.

He's going to arrange everything.

What? I can go to Gucci.

And I can go to Pucci.

And you can go to Gucci and I can go to Pucci.

Pucci, Pucci, Pucci, Pucci.

Ma,

do you know what else might be nice? You could light a candle for Aunt Tinky at

St. Peter's.

Ah, Viv, that's a marvelous idea.

And if we can find the time, we'll do that.

Walter, listen.

Listen.

I just talked to my friend Bill Hickey at the Associated Press.

Rescueers can't get near that plane because of the weather up there, but

have spotted a lone survivor wandering through the woods.

You lied!

Lord, you don't know that it's stinky. Shut up, Walter. Of course it's stinky.

Pull this just to ruin our pilgrimage.

Maude, that poor old woman could be struggling for her life up on that

Of course. That shows how selfish she is. Oh.

Oh, my God. What am I saying? What am I doing?

Oh, am I some kind of animal?

Oh, Arthur, you must... You must think I'm an awful person.

Yes, Marty, I'm afraid that I do.

Arthur, you mean you knew they were going to Rome on Tinky's insurance

No, I didn't know that. I just think Marta's an awful person.

This time, Arthur, I'm afraid you're right.

But thank God there is at least a chance that Tinky may still be alive. I don't

want to get your hopes up too high, Marty.

Chances are not very good that that old lady could survive that crash.

Walter, my mind is made up.

If we do go to Rome, God forbid,

We're going to go with the proper respect.

We are going to make it a real pilgrimage for Tinky.

We will light a candle for her as soon as we get there, and there will be no

Gucci and no Pucci. That makes sense to me. And we'll get a very small suite at

the Mortadella. We don't even have to stay there. I'm not giving it up. Okay.

Of course, if our prayers are answered, we won't be able to go at all because

Tinky will still be alive.

Let's hope so.

That's probably Bill Hickey. I told him to call me here.

Dr. Arthur Harmon here.

Oh, Bill.

Yeah, what have you got?

Oh, I see.

Well, thanks for all your help, Bill.

Yeah, I'll tell him.

That was Bill Hickey, all right.

They've identified the lone survivor.

It's the pilot.

The pilot, Ward! It's the pilot!

I'm sad about Aunt Tinky. I'm just happy for the pilot.

Well,

at last.

All our desperate hours of waiting are over.

Listen, Lamb Chop, we better be going. We have a lot of packing to do before

trip. Oh, all right, all right. Goodbye, Maude. I'm just so sorry for all your

troubles. Vivian, Vivian, thank you.

Thank you so much.

Thank you for your support and your sympathy in my moment of grief. Yes,

Thank you.

Thank you, Vivian.

Thank you.

Thank you. La, la, la, la, la, la, la.

I'd better call my mother and break the news about Tinker.

She'll probably come as a big blow to her.

Maude, why don't I tell your mother?

Walter, what is this morbid thing you have about telling bad news? I'll tell

her, and that's that.

But I didn't get to tell anybody.

That's tough. She is my mother, and I get to tell her.

Mother?

Maude.

Mother, on life's highway...

There are many strange... What do you mean you know about Tinky? Who told you?

Aunt Rhonda.

Well, then I'll have to call Cousin Daryl. Let me have Cousin Daryl.

You can have Philip.

What good is Philip? He won't even be upset.

It's the best I can do.

Listen, I have an idea. Why don't we make a list of all our relatives and

we'll divide it up fairly and squarely and decide who shall tell whom about

Tinky.

Lord Finley, that was the worst trip I ever had.

Aunt Tinky.

Aunt Tinky, we thought... I know, I know. You thought I missed my plane. I

didn't miss it. I just refused to get on it.

I would have been the only passenger, so I took the bus.

Oh, Aunt Tinky, you took the bus.

Watch your dress. A chicken got sick on my sleeve.

Did you make me some lunch? I hope so. I'm fat.

Ah, Tinky, this is my husband, Walter.

I expected you to be better looking.

Don't you have an air purifier? I'm allergic to dust.

Well, maybe you can rent one while I'm here. And it wouldn't hurt to clean up

this house a little.

Excuse me, Lord.

That was the travel agency.

We're confirmed that the villain wanted Della in Rome.

Oh, Walter, where's your manners, for heaven's sake? Help me off with my coat.

How's your mother?

I suppose you never even call her.

Well, what about lunch? Just because I'm an old lady doesn't mean I don't get

hungry. But first I've got to take a look at that kitchen.

I hope it's cleaner than the living room.

This program was recorded before a studio audience.