Original subtitles

"Screen Directors Playhouse."

"Bringing you each week an outstanding original screenplay."

"Directed by one of the country's foremost motion picture directors."

"Tonight we're pleased to present 3-time Academy Award winner Leo McCarey."

"On his second visit to Screen Directors Playhouse."

"This evening, Mr McCarey has chosen a delightful Christmas comedy entitled:"

"Tom and Jerry."

"Our guest stars are Peter Lawford."

"Frank Fay and Nancy Gates."

Mother. - Yes, dear?

Are you sure this is Christmas Eve?

Of course it is, dear. You mustn't be impatient. That's all.

What is this? Where the heck is Santa Claus?

Tommy.

Did you hurt yourself, Santa Claus? - No. I'm alright.

I don't think I broke anything.

Well, you broke my drum.

Tommy.

You shouldn't have done that.

Look.

Wasn't that nice of Santa?

It sure was.

Sorry.

Alright. Any time.

Time for you to go to bed now, Tommy.

You must mind your mother, Tommy.

I'm too excited to go to sleep. I want to play with my doggy.

Mind your mother, Tommy.

You sound just like my dad.

'You should mind your mother, Tommy'.

Well, your father is right.

You have the most wonderful mother in the world.

I think so too.

Can I take my doggy to bed with me?

Sure.

Play with him for a little while. Then mummy will take him outside.

Why does he have to go outside?

You see, the puppy is like you, Tommy. He has a lot to learn.

Come on. Upstairs.

He's asleep.

Drop the act?

Just in time.

Well now. What are you going to give me for Christmas?

What's happened?

Santa Claus fell down the stairs.

He's awkward, isn't he?

Yes, dear. He sure is.

Anyway, we put him to bed and tiptoed out into the hall.

I was as happy as a lark. You never saw a happier Santa Claus.

Suddenly, I felt that something was wrong.

What gave you that impression?

It wasn't difficult. She knocked me down a flight of stairs.

I asked her why she'd do such a thing.

She said she wished it had been Lola.

Why did she say that?

That's her name.

Then I asked Jerry why she was suspicious.

She said she ran into a jeweller.

You can have him.

He asked her how she liked the necklace I gave her.

How did she like it?

I gave her a garbage disposal.

Oh no.

You see.

We decided to give each other practical presents.

I hadn't had a very good year, you see.

I can imagine. What with buying necklaces and things.

What will we do about this husband of yours?

Tom's been avoiding me, Father.

I know it's because he is afraid of himself.

When he's with me, he wants me.

It's written all over his face. He just won't weaken and say so.

And I refuse to run after him.

That's right. You must remain strong.

And unhappy.

What do you mean?

He does wrong and I'm supposed to ask him to come back to me?

It's a good title for a song:

'Thank you for breaking my heart'.

I've been doing some plotting.

Where can I take him to dinner?

Where we could bump into you purely by accident.

He used to like the cocktail lounge at The Plaza.

Alright. How do I entice him to The Plaza?

Simple. Bring Lola.

That's not so funny. I liked your other joke better.

What's that?

''Thank you for breaking my heart'.

So you have acted hateful.

Still I am grateful.

Oh, thank you.

For breaking my heart.

The Athletics Club.

The Athletics Club.

Jerry was always asking me:

Where had I been? Why was I late for dinner?

Anything I'd say to her she wouldn't believe.

You won't believe this, Father.

She'd call my office every afternoon to find out if I was really working.

Were you?

That's neither here nor there, Father.

I know you came here with a purpose. What do you want to know?

I want to know what Lola wants.

You know too?

Are you going to play Santa Claus for little Tommy this year?

I want to have a happy Christmas with the little guy but ..

It's awkward with Jerry. - Look.

This is a marital problem.

You have to think of the little fellow first.

And you can't be a jerk.

He mustn't know that.

Until he is a little older.

Now you feel like inviting me to dinner?

Sure, Father.

Is The Plaza too expensive? - How about right here in the club?

No. There are no women around the athletic club.

It's half the charm of eating out.

I love to look at beautiful women.

Don't you, Tom? - You know I do.

Let's go.

Excuse me.

I told you I was not in.

Alright. Put him on.

Excuse me.

If you really want me to, I'll draw up a complaint in the morning.

Breaking up a marriage is a serious business, Tom.

Your dinner is ready.

We lawyers are duty-bound to preserve the sanctity of marriage.

It is .. - It's on the table.

As I was saying, Tom.

Marriage is a beautiful thing.

It's getting cold.

Will you shut your big mouth?

Marriage can be very beautiful, Tom.

This is a lovely place. - Yes, it is.

They were nice to me. - How's that?

They let me in without a tie.

Don't look now. - Huh?

The most beautiful creature just waltzed in.

What a dish.

She has a beautiful face.

And form too.

Father, you should either change your expression or take off that collar.

Don't be silly.

Father. - She smiled at me.

She did not. - She did.

I don't want to be rude.

I'd better smile back.

Father, you cannot do that.

Father.

She thinks she knows me. - She doesn't know you.

Yes she does.

I'm going over to find out.

Everything is alright. We'll send for you. Sit right there.

Now, if you play your cards right you're halfway home.

Father, you can't ..

Hello. - Hello Jerry.

Won't you sit down, Father? - No thank you.

Goodbye, my dear.

Tom. I'm leaving you on third base.

Goodbye, Father.

You wish to order?

Champagne cocktail, Jerry?

I think it would be very appropriate.

That's two. - Thank you, sir.

Good to see you, Jerry. You look positively ..

Yes, I know. Your circles are very becoming too.

Come on. Let's be civil.

How is Tommy?

He's fine. What do you care?

No need to take that attitude, Jerry. I wouldn't answer you like that.

You wouldn't? - No.

Alright. How is Lola?

She has circles under her circles.

Waiting for me to divorce you.

I'm rather curious myself. What's holding you up?

You see, you need a cause of action.

For the life of me, I can't think of anything against you to tell my lawyer.

I spent a whole afternoon in his office trying to make a complaint against you.

All I can think of was the fun we'd had together.

I told him about the Adirondacks.

That lonely bartender.

Being snowed in for ten days.

Nipping too.

The Hotel Fontaine. Overlooking the St. Lawrence.

And the bellboy.

We didn't want ice water.

We had fun on that honeymoon.

Where are you going to spend your second honeymoon?

I haven't thought.

Maybe she hasn't seen Quebec.

Maybe you could get the same room.

Very funny.

You must be slipping.

Perhaps you could send me a postcard saying ..

'Having wonderful time'.

'Wish you were here'.

Jerry, I'll drop the complaint. You sue me.

You can get a divorce from me in two minutes.

I don't like putting things in writing I'm trying to forget.

Are you really trying?

Very hard.

Of course, having a bad memory always makes things easier.

I always was forgetting things.

Like the stubs in my checkbook.

And my purse and my gloves.

I wish I'd talked to you sooner.

If I'd had any idea you'd forgive me ..

I wouldn't have got so involved.

How involved, Tom?

I'm going to Las Vegas in the morning.

I think it takes six weeks.

What on earth are you accusing me of?

Desertion.

Silly, isn't it?

You see, you threw me out so technically that is desertion.

I am being more than fair in the settlement.

I'm giving you about everything.

Incidentally, Lola is quite wealthy and offers to settle 50,000 dollars on you.

I told her that's ridiculous.

Fifty thousand?

What's so wrong with that?

You don't know what that does to my broken heart.

I feel much better already.

You're not serious?

Why not?

I can be as practical as she is.

She's got you and I've got fifty thousand dollars.

I think I've got the best of it.

I thought you're one woman in the world who held love and affection above money.

Just imagine her paying me all that money for such a ..

Such a stupid man.

I am stupid?

When it comes to women you are really stupid.

You believe anything a woman tells you.

You would even believe that I would take her filthy money.

Here you are, sir. - Thank you.

This is very fitting, isn't it?

We met over champagne cocktails.

Now we part the same way we met.

Do you remember a toast you made?

Before you were so stupid.

I promised your bride I would be.

That is ..

A little vague.

To be a woman. I do.

As life's shadows lengthen.

Over the years.

Our love will strengthen.

With laughter and tears.

Words can't express.

What is deep in my heart.

I love you my darling.

Until death ..

Let's call it a day, Tom.

I'll call a cab.

And then I wrote.

Brother, listen to me.

Don't say goodbye to love.

Unless you're happy to be ..

Darling. You'll be divorced by tomorrow at ten.

Love is a priceless blessing.

And we'll be married by high noon.

And high time too.

So don't say goodbye to love.

You should heed this warning.

Don't spoil your life's best years.

Do you want to wait some morning ..

Darling. - Shush.

When somebody loves you.

It's a gift from heaven above.

So don't break up.

Wake up.

Make up.

Don't say goodbye to love.

Hey, what is this? It's a fine song to sing in Las Vegas.

What are you trying to do, empty the joint?

Love is like a fragile rose.

Hey, waiter. Will you bring a tear bucket for my friend?

One never knows when its petals close.

Whether they'll open again.

Oh, stop it.

You know other stuff?

It's a gift from heaven above.

So don't break up.

Wake up.

Make up.

Don't say goodbye ..

To love.

Well, you've lost me. I'm going to the powder room.

A nice quiet dame.

It was a good song.

Think what you'll be missing.

Evenings like fire lights glow.

You would be sadly reminiscing.

Thinking over the cost of your paradise lost.

When somebody loves you.

It's a gift from heaven above.

So don't break up.

What is it? - Nothing.

Nothing.

Don't say goodbye.

To .. love.

Macy versus Macy, eh?

It's a divorce action, Your Honor. - I know.

It's all here.

You charge desertion? - Yes, Your Honor.

You allege that your wife threw you out.

Why did she do it?

I'd rather not say.

I'd rather you would.

Why did she throw you out?

Please, Your Honor. It's none of your business.

Well, this is going to be jolly.

I fine you 25 dollars for contempt of court.

Will you take twenty? That's all I've got.

Alright. I'll make it twenty.

Here.

Now, why did she throw you out?

Will you take a check on a New York bank?

I've heard of people losing their shirts gambling in Las Vegas.

It's looks like I'll go broke in a courtroom.

Are you going to answer that question or not?

Could we change the subject, Your Honor? - Alright.

But I'll come back to that question.

Is that Mrs Macy?

That is the future Mrs Macy.

Is she the reason your wife threw you out?

You cannot hide behind an amendment either.

How much will it cost me not to answer?

Hold everything, Your Honor.

Am I still Mrs Macy?

You are if you were.

I haven't given you a divorce yet.

I'm glad I arrived in time.

Perhaps I can shed some light on this case.

I'll say you can. I'm glad you came. Why did you throw him out?

Well. I'd rather not answer that question, Your Honor.

Why don't you fine her 25 dollars? - Why don't you shut up?

Get off that witness stand. I'll make her talk.

Come here please.

Take the stand, Mrs Macy.

Place your hand on the book.

You swear to tell the truth, so help you, God?

I do.

Now you are under oath. Why did you throw him out?

Why can't you ask me questions where I can answer Yes or No?

Alright. Was it on account of this woman here?

Yes.

Just as I thought.

So you married an old philanderer, huh? - I did not.

You don't know Tom as well as I do. - I don't want to.

Go ahead.

He is a fine gentleman.

He's too fine a gentleman to know how to break off a silly infatuation.

Why do you want him back?

I am not saying I want him back.

I just don't want her to have him. That's all.

I took a vow to stand by him for better or for worse.

Right now, I don't see how things could be much worse.

Marriage vows are sacred. They're meant to be kept.

He may have broken his. But I'm not breaking mine.

I promised to stand by him in sickness and health too.

Well, here I am.

Ready to nurse him back to health. Because he is ill, Your Honor.

His conscience has made him ill.

Put yourself in his place and you'd be sick too.

How would you like to have something like that on your conscience?

Just a minute.

He is sick, Your Honor. And she made him sick.

She makes me sick too. - Strike that last statement.

It's just the opinion of a witness. - It certainly is.

Is it true you haven't lived together as husband and wife for over a year?

Well.

If you don't count the one night we spent at The Plaza Hotel.

That counts.

Is this true?

Your Honor, I am under oath. I don't think my husband would deny it.

Well, do you deny it?

It's the truth, Your Honor.

This is really mixed up. Case dismissed.

I'm going out to play golf.

Come here. Sit by mummy.

Mummy. - Yes, dear?

Who cuts Santa Claus's beard?

Mrs Santa Claus of course.

When Santa Claus was young did he have a black beard?

No. He didn't. It was always white.

Was he born with a white beard?

I don't know, dear.

Did you ever see a baby with a white beard?

I wish he'd hurry.

You still didn't answer my question.

Look. Here he comes now.

Jingle bells, jingle bells. Jingle all the way.

Oh what fun it is to ride on a one-horse open ..

He almost did it again.

Hello Santa.

Well.

You don't know how glad I am to see you, little man.

I hope I brought you what you wanted.

I bet you didn't bring what I wanted most.

I'm sure it's in the bag.

In the bag?

Don't you even know what it is?

There was such a howling wind at the north pole.

That I didn't hear your prayers.

What's that got to do with it? It wasn't a prayer. It was a letter.

See .. this howling wind.

Blew it out of my hands when I was reading it.

I said, the present first on my list was 'Daddy'.

I wanted him to come home most of all.

You didn't even read it.

I guess you didn't get Mummy's letter either.

Well.

I'm a little mixed up this Christmas.

You sure are. You really goofed this Christmas.

What was it you wanted, mother?

I don't remember.

You told me you didn't want any rings, furs or nothing.

Just daddy. - What? Thomas.

Is that so?

Tell him what you told grandma.

You don't know what I told her. Leave the room.

But I listened when I heard you crying.

You said you didn't think you were pretty anymore.

And she went to the beauty parlor and lost ten pounds, Santa.

You have the most beautiful mother in the world, Tommy.

I think so too but you ought to tell her to eat more.

So she's not too skinny.

She misses my daddy so much.

I tell you what, Tommy.

You go upstairs like a good boy and say your prayers.

Your daddy may come home for Christmas.

That would be the happiest Christmas of all, Santa.

I'll start praying right now.

Our Father who art in heaven. Hallowed be thy name.

Thy kingdom come. Thy will be done.

On earth as it is in heaven.

Give us this day our daily bread.

Forgive us our trespasses.

As we forgive those who ..

Please, Jerry.

..r-s..