Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE BIG C...

- I LIKE THE WAY YOU ROLL, MICK.

- I LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

- YOU CAN'T BE STEALING STUFF.

- IS IT TOO MUCH IF I ASK YOU TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY?

- IS IT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK TO BE CUT IN?

- IS THAT "RUGBY SLUT"?

- I THINK SHE PREFERS TINA NOW.

- I'M PREGNANT! - WHAT?

- WILL YOU MARRY ME? - YES!

- OHH!

- I REALLY DON'T FEEL SO GREAT.

[siren]

[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life]

- ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪

♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪

♪ STEP OUT ♪

♪ OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪

♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪

♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON? ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME WE PLAY ♪

♪ CALLED LIFE ♪

- IT'S WAY TOO SMALL.

- IT'S JUST SYMBOLIC, THOUGH, RIGHT?

- MAYBE I CAN SHOW YOU SOMETHING IN TEAK?

- MAYBE YOU CAN SHOW ME SOMETHING

THAT DOESN'T LOOK LIKE A CLOWN CAR.

THIS IS MY FLESH AND BLOOD WE'RE TALKING ABOUT.

- SHE'S DEALING WITH A MISCARRIAGE IN HER OWN WAY.

IT'S ONLY BEEN ABOUT FOUR DAYS.

- I UNDERSTAND.

- NOW, THIS-- THIS ISN'T BAD.

- OH, WELL, THAT'S THE CADILLAC OF EVER-AFTERS.

- BUT, REBECCA, YOU DON'T HAVE ANYTHING TO PUT IN IT.

- WELL, EXCEPT HER HOPES AND DREAMS.

- I-I KNOW THAT EVERYBODY MOURNS IN A DIFFERENT WAY.

WHEN I MISCARRIED, I PLANTED A TREE.

- I DON'T WANT TO MOURN.

I WANT TO CELEBRATE THE LIFE THAT WAS INSIDE ME

FOR 18 WEEKS.

THIS FETUS DESERVES TO BE FETED.

I WILL TAKE THE BIG, SHINY ONE.

- OF COURSE. EXCELLENT CHOICE.

AND WE'LL DO THE SERVICE IN OUR CONTEMPLATION ROOM.

- I'M GONNA NEED ROOM FOR A PHOTO BOOTH

AND A SUSHI BAR.

I'M GONNA HAVE...

- IF YOU'LL EXCUSE US FOR ONE SECOND.

- WHAT?

- NOW, I WANT TO BE SUPPORTIVE,

BUT I'M AFRAID THAT YOU'RE SUBLIMATING YOUR GRIEF

WITH...SUSHI.

- CATH, I'M OKAY.

A BABY WAS NEVER IN THE CARDS FOR ME.

IF I HAD REALLY WANTED ONE,

I WOULD HAVE HAD ONE BEFORE MY UTERUS

STARTED DROPPING TO MY KNEES.

IT'S SEAN YOU SHOULD WORRY ABOUT.

HE'S GONE OFF HIS MEDS.

- OH, GOD.

- HE SAID IT WAS THE ONLY WAY HE COULD FEEL THE PAIN

OF LOSING BABY CATHY.

- MAY I ASK WHERE THE COFFIN WILL BE BURIED?

- I THOUGHT I WOULD PUT HER IN THE TOLKE FAMILY PLOT.

- THERE IS NO TOLKE FAMILY PLOT.

HOLD ON. YOU HAVE CANCER

AND NO PLOT?

HELLO!

YOU MIGHT WANT TO THINK ABOUT THAT.

- I HAVE SOME LOVELY SPACE AVAILABLE.

- I'M SURE YOU DO.

DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN GET A COFFIN

THAT'S AERATED?

- TO AVOID THAT MUSTY JUST-DEAD SMELL?

- SO WATER CAN RUN THROUGH IT.

YOU CAN TAKE A BATH FOR ETERNITY.

- "A," THAT'S DISGUSTING.

"B," I DON'T REALLY WANT TO TALK ABOUT THIS.

IT'S MORBID.

- WE HAVE TO TALK ABOUT IT, PAUL.

I MEAN, IT'S CRAZY HOW UNPREPARED WE ARE.

WE DON'T EVEN HAVE BURIAL PLOTS.

THIS IS ALL REBECCA'S FAULT.

YOU KNOW, SHE WANTS TO THROW A STATE FUNERAL

FOR HER UNBORN CHILD,

AND NOW YOU'RE CATALOGUE SHOPPING FOR COFFINS.

- YES, SHE IS CUCKOO.

BUT WE HAVE TO HAVE SOME UNDERSTANDING.

- HONEY, I GET IT.

BUT SHE WAS BARELY SHOWING.

- I'M GOING TO BRENT'S.

- I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO A HOCKEY GAME WITH UNCLE SEAN.

- UH, YEAH, I DON'T KNOW. HE'S ACTING ALL WEIRD.

YOU KNOW, IT'S NOT LIKE AN ACTUAL PERSON DIED.

[doorbell rings] - THANK YOU.

IT'S LIKE EVERYBODY CAUGHT PRO-LIFE-ITIS.

- PAUL!

- COME ON, EVERYBODY WAS THINKIN' IT.

- MOM, DAD. - WHO ARE THOSE FOR?

"SORRY FOR YOUR LOSS."

- HEY, THESE ARE FOR YOU.

WE GOT THEM BY MISTAKE.

- OH, EXCELLENT.

THE, UH, THE OBITUARY'S WORKING ITS INTENDED MAGIC.

- YOU WROTE AN OBITUARY?

- WELL, SOMEBODY HAD TO ACKNOWLEDGE THIS HAPPENED.

LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, CATHY,

YOU GO BEFORE YOU HIT 20 WEEKS,

YOU ARE SHIT OUT OF LUCK.

YOU CAN'T GET A BIRTH OR A DEATH CERTIFICATE.

IT'S LIKE YOU'VE, UM--

IT'S LIKE YOU'VE BEEN WIPED OFF THE BOOKS.

YOU NEVER EXISTED.

THANKFULLY, THE FOLKS AT THE TWIN CITIES LEADER

TOOK PITY ON MY PLIGHT, AND THEY ALSO TOOK MY 20 BUCKS.

- I KNOW THIS IS AN INCREDIBLY HARD TIME.

- YOU WANT TO KNOW HARD?

YOU TRY GOING TO THE PREEMIE WARD.

THEY HAVE BABIES IN THERE

THE SIZE OF A FUCKING ACORN.

BUT THEY GET TO LIVE.

THEY EVEN HAVE VOLUNTEERS TO HOLD THEM

SO THEY--THEY-- THEY GROW FASTER.

YOU--THEY HAVE FUCKING ENTOURAGES.

- REBECCA TOLD ME THAT YOU-- YOU WENT OFF YOUR--

YOU WENT OFF YOUR MEDS.

- YEAH, I'M--I'M NOT GONNA GO THROUGH THIS DOPED UP.

- OH, SEAN, WHY MAKE THIS HARDER ON YOURSELF?

IT'S A VERY EMOTIONAL TIME.

- EXACTLY.

AND I PLAN ON FEELING EVERY, SINGLE BIT OF IT.

[indistinct chatter]

- HEY, BUDDY.

I DIDN'T KNOW CUSTOMERS WERE ALLOWED BACK HERE.

- THEY'RE NOT THE CUSTOMERS.

- WAIT...THEY JUST STOLE THAT STUFF?

IN BROAD DAYLIGHT?

- RELAX, PAUL.

OWEN IS AT QUIZNOS ON HIS BREAK.

IT'S JUST US HERE.

OKAY, HERE IS YOUR PIECE OF THE ACTION.

- CAN I JUST BE CLEAR ABOUT SOMETHING?

I DON'T CONDONE STEALING, OKAY?

I NEVER EVEN LIFTED A PACK OF GUM

WHEN I WAS A KID.

RIGHT? I'M DOING THIS BECAUSE MY WIFE IS SICK

AND WE HAVE BILLS.

- I DON'T JUDGE.

AFTER I PAY MY RENT,

I AM SPENDING THE MONEY ON ANDREA.

THAT GIRL.

SHE LIKES HER BLING.

SOMETIMES, WHEN WE GO OUT,

SHE LOOKS LIKE A BEAUTIFUL BLACK CHRISTMAS TREE.

- YOU REALLY LIKE HER, HUH?

- DO UKRAINIANS LOVE BREAD?

- I HAVE NO IDEA.

- THEY DO.

[sewing machine whirring]

- WHAT ARE YOU MAKIN' THERE?

- IT'S MY OUTFIT FOR THE FUNERAL.

I'M ADDING EXTRA SPARKLES TO IT

BECAUSE FUNERALS SCARE THE SHIT OUT OF ME.

- WELL, THIS ONE HAS A PHOTO BOOTH,

SO YOU MIGHT BE PLEASANTLY SURPRISED.

I'M SORRY. MY FAMILY IS SO DYSFUNCTIONAL.

- HEY, IF I HADN'T MOVED IN WITH YOU,

I NEVER WOULD HAVE MET MYK.

- HOW'S THAT GOIN'?

- PRETTY GOOD.

- IS IT...GETTING SERIOUS?

- YOU SOUND LIKE MY MOM.

- DO I? I DON'T MEAN TO, I JUST--

I WANT YOU TO BE ABLE TO TALK TO ME ABOUT STUFF, ANDREA.

- MYK AND I ARE GONNA DO IT.

- OH.

WOW, ARE YOU SURE YOU'RE READY?

I MEAN, DO I...DO I NEED TO TAKE YOU TO A GYNECOLOGIST?

OR SHOULD I GROUND YOU?

- SOUNDING LIKE MY MOM.

- ALL RIGHT. SORRY.

HAVE YOU...

DONE IT BEFORE? - YOU CALLIN' ME A HO?

- I'M NOT CALLING YOU A HO.

- IT MIGHT BE MY FIRST TIME.

- MY GOD.

[laughing] WELL...

I'M IN TOTAL VIRGIN TERRITORY HERE.

NO PUN INTENDED.

I MEAN, I DIDN'T GET TO TALK TO ADAM

ABOUT LOSING HIS VIRGINITY-- HE JUST WENT AND DID IT.

- DID I ASK FOR YOUR ADVICE?

- NO.

BUT LET ME JUST SAY THIS.

LOW EXPECTATIONS.

[deep voice] LOW.

BECAUSE THE SEX MOST LIKELY IS GONNA SUCK.

BUT YOU MAKE SURE...

THAT HE RESPECTS YOU.

AND THAT HE MAKES IT SPECIAL.

I LOST MY VIRGINITY ON A BEAN BAG CHAIR.

FIVE MINUTES, AND IT WAS OVER.

JUST LIKE A FAIRYTALE.

- CATHY, ARE YOU HERE?

- YEAH, IN HERE.

- OH, HI.

HEY, ANDREA.

OH, NICE SPARKLES.

UM, I WAS WONDERING IF YOU'D SAY SOME WORDS

AT THE FUNERAL.

- SURE. UH...

THERE--THERE'S A ROBERT FROST POEM I KNOW.

- NO, I MEANT LIKE A EULOGY.

- EULOGY? - ISN'T A EULOGY,

LIKE, MEMORIES OF A PERSON

OR STORIES ABOUT THEIR LIFE?

- CATHY WILL THINK OF SOMETHING.

OKAY. THANKS.

[door shuts]

- PLEASE DON'T GET PREGNANT.

[beeping]

- HEY, WHAT'S WITH THE FANCY MUFFINS?

- YEAH, AREN'T THEY GREAT?

THEY CAME IN A BASKET CALLED "BREAKFAST MOURNING."

YES, MOURNING WAS SPELLED WITH A "U."

IT'S A BEREAVEMENT BASKET.

- OH, PAUL, WE CAN'T EAT THESE.

THESE ARE FOR SEAN AND REBECCA.

- NOPE, THEY'RE FOR US.

WELL, THEY'RE FOR ME, SINCE I'M THE GRIEVING WIDOWER.

WHAT ARE YOU SAYING?

CATHY TOLKE DIED

ON THANKSGIVING.

GONE TO A KINDER PLACE.

OH, MY GOD.

- AT LEAST THE WIDOWER WILL NOT GO HUNGRY.

- OH, JEE-- WHY DID SEAN DO THIS?

WHAT WAS HE THINKING?

HE COULDN'T PAY FOR THE EXTRA LINE, "NOT MY SISTER,

THE EMBRYO I WAS GONNA NAME AFTER MY SISTER"?

- GOOD NEWS IS, WE'RE EXTREMELY POPULAR.

WE'VE ALREADY GOTTEN 30 CONDOLENCE CARDS.

- JESUS.

- WHO DIED?

- ME.

[muttering quietly]

- HEY, YOU WANT SOMETHING TO EAT?

- NO, NO...NOT UNTIL I TAKE THIS FUCKER APART.

$10 NUT BY $20 BOLT.

- DO YOU WANT A XANAX, MAYBE.

- NO, I DON'T WANT ANY XANAX.

AND IF ANYBODY NEEDS SOME HELP, IT'S YOU.

I MEAN, LOOK AT YOU, REBECCA.

I'VE SEEN YOU MORE UPSET

WHEN SOMEONE STOLE YOUR PARKING SPACE.

- I'M TRYING TO SEE THE POSITIVE, SEAN.

I DIDN'T THINK I COULD EVEN GET PREGNANT.

- OH, WELL, CONGRATULATIONS TO YOU.

- I'M GOING BACK TO WORK TOMORROW.

I'M FEELING KIND OF COOPED UP HERE.

- WELL, IT'S YOUR LOSS.

I'M GONNA HAVE A CHANGING TABLE BONFIRE TOMORROW.

[electronic bleep]

[ding]

[electronic bleep]

[ding]

- [chuckles softly]

[ding]

[typing]

- THIS FEELS NICE.

- FEELS PRETTY FUCKIN' WEIRD TO ME.

WE GOT A FETUS FUNERAL THIS AFTERNOON,

AND THIS IS HOW YOU WANT TO SPEND YOUR MORNING,

LOOKING AT BURIAL PLOTS?

[whispers] YOU'RE A DEATH JUNKIE.

- NO, I JUST--I JUST WANT US TO DECIDE

WHERE WE WANT TO BE.

THIS IS THE PERFECT TIME TO DO IT--

WHILE WE'RE BOTH STILL HERE

AND CAN MAKE A RATIONAL DECISION.

PEOPLE DO CRAZY THINGS IN GRIEF.

LOOK AT REBECCA.

- SWITCH WITH ME.

[giggling]

THERE, NOW YOU'RE LOOKING AT MY GOOD SIDE FOR ETERNITY.

- [giggles]

- WHEN YOU COME VISIT ME HERE,

AND YOU WILL COME VISIT ME,

I WANT YOU TO ALWAYS IMAGINE ME BLOWING KISSES.

- DEATH JUNKIE.

- WE SHOULD TAKE THIS.

- HONEY...

MY--MY FEET ARE HIGHER THAN MY HEAD.

I'M LOOKING AT A GUY NAMED ALFONSO P. DICK.

IF THIS IS FOREVER, I THINK WE GOTTA DREAM A LITTLE BIGGER.

- HMM.

- I'D LOVE TO HAVE A PLOT IN THE FULL SUN.

WOULDN'T THAT BE AWESOME?

JUST TO LIE IN THE SUN FOREVER AND NOT HAVE IT KILL YOU?

[chuckles]

IT'S SO IRONIC.

BUT...SHADY AND UNEVEN IS WHAT WE CAN AFFORD.

- HOPE MR. DICK ISN'T A SNORER.

- ADAM! OVER HERE, YOU KOC!

- WAIT, YOU'RE POPPY?

- POPPY P. KOWALSKI.

THE MIDDLE "P" IS FOR "PAMELA."

EW, RIGHT?

- YOU'RE OLD.

- THANKS, BITCH.

- BUT YOUR NAME IS "POPPY17."

- YEAH, IT'S FOR THE JANIS IAN SONG.

- WHO?

- IT'S AWESOME. I'LL PLAY IT FOR YOU SOMETIME.

- I GOTTA--I GOTTA GO.

- DUDE, YOU JUST GOT HERE!

- I DON'T KNOW WHAT KIND OF TWISTED GAME YOU PLAY,

TROLLING AROUND ON A KIDS WITH SICK PARENTS WEBSITE,

BUT IT'S NOT COOL.

- MY DAD HAS LUNG CANCER.

SO I'M A KID WITH A SICK PARENT TOO.

SO YOU DON'T GET TO BE THE ONLY ONE AROUND HERE

WHO'S FUCKED UP.

- WHO SAYS I'M FUCKED UP?

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT YOU'RE GONNA BE

WHEN I BEAT YOUR ASS IN THIS GAME.

[upbeat rock music]

♪ ♪

- WHATEVER YOU'RE ABOUT TO SAY, DON'T.

REMEMBER, THIS IS THE ACT OF A GRIEVING WOMAN.

- OH!

- REBECCA.

HEY, IT LOOKS LOVELY.

- IT IS FUNERAL-TASTIC.

- THANKS. - REALLY.

- HAVE YOU SEEN SEAN? HE'S GONE AWOL.

- MM-MMM. - OH...ALL RIGHT.

JUST, UM, REMEMBER,

YOUR EULOGY COMES AFTER HIS REMARKS.

I WANT EVERYTHING TO FLOW-- - OH, MY GOD.

- JULIE? - YOU'RE ALIVE!

[both squealing]

OHH! I SAW THE ANNOUNCEMENT AND I THOUGHT--

- OH, NO! NO, NO, NO, NO, NO, NO.

- DIDN'T HAVE FUNERAL INFORMATION IN THE OBIT.

- OH, WELL, I FOUND IT ONLINE.

- I WENT WIDE ON TWITTER. - YOU WHAT?

- THIS FUNERAL IS OF MY UNBORN CHILD, CATHY TOLKE.

- REBECCA MISCARRIED.

- OHH. UH, I'M SO SORRY.

- THANK YOU.

- WHEN I MISCARRIED, I PLANTED A TREE.

- WELL, I DIDN'T WANT TO PLANT A GOD DAMN TREE.

- JULIE WAS ON MY HIGH SCHOOL SWIM TEAM.

[laughter] - CATHY!

- OH, YOU'RE ALL HERE!

[laughter and chatter]

- WE RENTED A VAN.

- OH, PLEASE TELL ME LEAD-FOOT LISA DIDN'T DRIVE!

[laughter] - YOU KNOW, THIS IS A FUNERAL.

IT ISN'T T.G.I. FRIDAY'S AT HAPPY HOUR.

COULD YOU ALL JUST BRING IT DOWN A LITTLE BIT?

- REBECCA, THEY'RE--

THEY'RE JUST HAPPY I'M NOT DEAD.

- ALL RIGHT. I'M GONNA CHECK ON THE BUFFET.

I'M AT MY OWN FUNERAL.

- A-AND IT'S VERY NICE.

EVERYTHING'S SO PINK.

- WHOA, THREE IN A ROW. TAKE THAT, SUCKER.

- THAT'S NOT FAIR.

THIS GAME'S FROM, LIKE, THE '80s.

IT'S FOR OLD PEOPLE.

SORRY. - UH! WHATEVER. PLEASE.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU, ANYWAY?

- MY SHRINK SAYS I ACT LIKE I'M 14.

I'M LIKE, "I CAN DRIVE, SO TAKE THAT."

- YEAH, I HATE SHRINKS.

- OH, MY GOD, ME TOO.

YOU KNOW, LIKE, WE DON'T HAVE ENOUGH PEOPLE

ALREADY STARING AT US.

AHH. - YEAH.

- I MEAN, IT'S NOT OUR FAULT

OUR PARENTS GOT CANCER.

JESUS, IT'S SO FUCKING RANDOM!

[loudly] WHY US?

- MIGHT WANT TO, UM, USE YOUR INSIDE VOICE.

- CAN I TELL YOU A SECRET?

[shouts] I DON'T HAVE AN INSIDE VOICE!

[laughing]

[beeping] - SHIT, UM...

I HAVE THIS CRAZY FUNERAL THING TO GO TO

FOR MY UNCLE'S MISCARRIAGE.

- OH, SHUT UP. THAT'S AWESOME.

CAN I COME?

- TO A FUNERAL? - YEAH.

- I DON'T EVEN WANNA GO.

- EXACTLY--YOU NEED A KOC BUDDY.

WE SHOULD TEST DRIVE THIS DEATH THING.

- I HAVE TO TELL YOU, FOR A DEAD WOMAN,

YOU LOOK REALLY AWESOME.

- WELL, THANKS. [laughter]

I'M--I'M SO SORRY YOU CAME ALL THIS WAY.

- OH, ARE YOU KIDDING?

I WOULD HAVE FLOWN IN FROM ANYWHERE.

YOU WERE A REALLY GOOD FRIEND, CATHY.

I REMEMBER THIS ONE DAY, SENIOR YEAR,

I WAS CRYING IN THE CAFETERIA,

AND YOU WERE THE ONLY ONE WHO STOPPED

AND ASKED WHAT WAS WRONG.

I'D JUST GOTTEN INTO CARLTON COLLEGE.

AND I REALLY, REALLY WANTED TO GO.

BUT MY BOYFRIEND WAS GOING TO U. MINN,

AND I KNEW IT WOULD BE OVER WITH HIM UNLESS I WENT TOO.

AND DO YOU REMEMBER WHAT YOU SAID?

- "U. MINN, THAT'S A CRAPPY FOOTBALL TEAM."

- [laughs] NO, NO.

NO, YOU SAID, "DON'T DELAY THE HAPPY."

- THAT'S GOOD ADVICE.

- IT WAS GREAT ADVICE.

I WENT TO CARLTON, FORGOT ALL ABOUT MATT,

AND HAD AN AMAZING TIME.

AND MET MY HUSBAND.

- [chuckling] OH, WELL, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

- I LOVE THAT STORY.

- SO...THANK YOU, CATHY.

- [whispering] I DO NOT REMEMBER ONE BIT OF THAT STORY.

I AM SUCH AN ASSHOLE.

- [whispering] AN ASSHOLE WHO GIVES GREAT ADVICE.

- [chuckles]

- CATHY? - HEY.

- YOU'RE ALIVE? - SHE IS!

- [whispers] SHIT.

- OH, PAULIE.

OH, PAULIE, I'M SO, SO SORRY.

I'M TOTALLY HERE FOR YOU.

- NO...CATHY DIDN'T DIE.

- WHAT?

- HUGE MIX-UP.

SHE'S ALIVE AND KICKING.

SEE? RIGHT HERE.

- WOW.

WOW. WELL, GREAT NEWS.

- RIGHT.

- AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD, HUH?

LIKE A ZOMBIE MOVIE. [growls]

- HEH, SO, UM...

- WELL, THERE'S AN OPEN BAR WITH MY NAME ALL OVER IT.

SO...I'LL DRINK TO THAT.

YEAH. - OH, BUT, UM...

- IF YOU'RE REALLY HUNGRY, THERE'S SOME

TERRIFIC CALIFORNIA ROLLS RIGHT OVER THE--

EXCUSE ME.

- HI, HONEY.

HI!

I'M CATHY. I'M ADAM'S MOM.

- OH, MY GOSH, HI. I'M POPPY.

YOUR SON IS TOTAL AWESOMENESS.

- YES. YES, HE IS.

AND HOW DO YOU KNOW HIS AWESOMENESS?

- UH, WE MET ONLINE.

- WHAT?

- AT A CHAT ROOM FOR KIDS...

WITH PARENTS WHO HAVE CANCER.

- YOU HAVE CANCER?

- NO, SILLY.

I'M THE KID.

WHO'S ABOUT TO GET SOME FREE FOOD.

- I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- IT'S A COMPUTER PROGRAM

WHERE YOU CAN PUT TWO FACES TOGETHER.

AND SEE WHAT YOUR BABY WOULD LOOK LIKE.

- THIS CHILD LOOKS LIKE AN OLD MAN.

I AM UNCOMFORTABLE.

- MAYBE THEY ARE JUST FRIENDS.

YOU KNOW? MAY NOT BE A BAD THING

FOR ADAM TO HAVE SOMEONE TO HANG AROUND WITH

WHO'S GOING THROUGH THE SAME SHIT; I DON'T KNOW.

- PAUL, SHE'S PRACTICALLY MY AGE.

- SO? SO WHAT?

I HAD AN OLDER FRIEND WHEN I WAS GROWING UP.

YOU KNOW, SHE WAS AN ARTIST.

I WAS 16. SHE WAS 40.

WE USED TO HANG AROUND TALKING ABOUT ROTHKO.

OKAY, MAYBE I SAW HER BOOB-A-RELLAS LIKE ONCE.

TWICE, MAYBE.

- WILL YOU TELL YOUR FRIENDS

TO STOP HOGGING THE PHOTO BOOTH?

- DIDN'T YOU WANT PEOPLE TO ENJOY IT?

- WELL, SURE, THE RIGHT PEOPLE.

THE PEOPLE WHO ARE HERE FOR MY LOSS, NOT YOUR LOSS.

YOU'RE TOTALLY HIJACKING MY FUNERAL.

- ACTUALLY, REBECCA...

YOU'RE HIJACKING MINE.

YEAH, NO, YOU CHOSE TO NAME THE BABY AFTER ME.

YOU THREW THIS CRAZY FUNERAL.

YOU PUT IT ON TWITTER.

THANKS TO YOU, I'M ALREADY DEAD.

OH, LOOK, I THINK I'VE BEEN MORE THAN SUPPORTIVE,

BUT I'M THE ONE WHO'S BEEN REALLY, REALLY SICK.

THIS MAY BE MY LAST TIME TO SEE A LOT OF THESE PEOPLE

WHO CAME HERE...FOR ME.

- FORGET ABOUT DOING THE EULOGY.

- OHH...

REBECCA!

- FOR GOD'S SAKE.

IS THAT "RUGBY SLUT"?

- NO. NO!

JESUS! NO!

- LOOK AT YOU.

YOU'RE ALIVE. - AHH.

VERY MUCH SO.

[slurred] CATHY, I-- I DON'T WANT YOU TO WORRY.

I--IF ANYTHING SHOULD EVER HAPPEN TO YOU,

I WILL TOTALLY BE THERE FOR PAUL.

- I'M SURE YOU WOULD. - YEAH.

- HERE'S THE THING.

I WILL MOST LIKELY... GO BEFORE PAUL.

- YEAH. - AND AFTER I DO...

I REALLY, REALLY HOPE HE FINDS...

AN AMAZING WOMAN

TO LIVE THE REST OF HIS LIFE WITH.

SOMEONE WHO CAN... TAKE CARE OF HIM

AND HELP ADAM.

- YOU ARE SO GENEROUS.

- AND YOU ARE SO NOT THAT WOMAN.

IF YOU SO MUCH AS LAY ONE FRENCH-MANICURED HAND ON HIM

AFTER I'M IN THE GROUND,

I WILL CLAW MY WAY OUT OF THE DIRT,

AND I WILL HAUNT YOU THE REST OF YOUR SLUTTY, DRUNK LIFE.

- HELLO! IS THIS ON? [microphone thumping]

[mic feedback] YEAH, UM...

SORRY TO INTERRUPT YOUR LITTLE FESTIVAL OF DENIAL.

BUT, UM...

I JUST WANTED TO SAY FUCK YOU VERY MUCH,

U.S. OF "A."

NOW, YOU CAN'T TELL US

WHO DESERVES TO BE SHACKLED

BY YOUR, UM, YOUR AUTHORITARIAN SYSTEM

OF IDENTITY.

BABY CATHY IS GONNA LIVE FOREVER.

[belt unbuckling, zipper unzipping]

RIGHT HERE!

[gasps and laughter]

THAT'S AWESOME.

SAYONARA, SUCKERS!

- SEAN, COME ON. COME BACK.

DON'T-- OH, OH, PLEASE DON'T GO.

OH, GUYS...

UM...

P-PLEASE DON'T GO, EVERYONE.

WE--WE HAVE SUSHI FOR DAYS.

UM...

Y-YOU...

I-IF...

- IT'S OKAY. - UH...

- IT'S OKAY, I GOT IT.

I JUST-- I WANTED TO SAY, UM...

YOU KNOW, I'M--I'M--

I'M VERY LUCKY TO--

TO BE ALIVE TO-- TO SEE YOU ALL

AND TO HEAR WHAT I MEANT TO YOU.

YOU SHOULDN'T WAIT UNTIL SOMEONE DIES

TO TELL THEM HOW YOU FEEL.

SO THANK YOU.

I LOVE YOU ALL.

BUT MOST OF ALL, I...

I'D LIKE TO THANK BABY CATHY.

THIS BABY DIDN'T EVEN GET A CHANCE TO LIVE,

AND SHE AFFECTED ALL OF US.

SHE...

SHE GAVE MY BROTHER A CHANCE,

EVEN FOR A LITTLE WHILE,

TO BE REALLY, REALLY HAPPY.

AND SHE BROUGHT OUT THIS BEAUTIFUL, MATERNAL...

SIDE OF HER TOUGH-ASS MOTHER I HAD NEVER SEEN BEFORE.

AND SHE BROUGHT ALL OF YOU HERE TODAY FOR ME.

WH A GIFT.

LIFE IS SO PRECIOUS, AND IT'S WAY TOO FUCKING SHORT.

SO...

DON'T DELAY THE HAPPY.

AND THANK YOU, BABY CATHY,

FOR REMINDING US ALL OF THIS.

TO BABY CATHY.

- [sobbing]

- [sighs]

- YOU AMERICANS THROW NICE FUNERALS.

IN UKRAINE, WE SAY ONE PRAYER,

WE THROW YOU ON THE GROUND AND GET DRUNK.

- I'M JUST GLAD IT'S OVER.

AND THAT WE DIDN'T HAVE TO LOOK AT SOME CORPSE.

WHEN I SAW MY GRANDMA LAID OUT IN HER COFFIN,

ALL WAXY,

I HAD NIGHTMARES FOR, LIKE, A MONTH.

I NEVER NEED TO SEE ANOTHER DEAD BODY

FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- DON'T TURN AROUND.

- WHAT? WHAT?

- THERE MIGHT BE A DECEASED BEHIND YOU.

- OH, SHIT, SHIT. I FEEL IT.

- LOOK AT ME. LOOK AT ME.

LOOK ME IN THE EYES.

IT WILL BE OVER SOON.

I WILL PROTECT YOU.

- YOU GOT NICE EYES, UKRAINE.

- BECAUSE THEY'RE LOOKING AT YOU.

- DAMN.

DEATH MAKES ME HORNY.

MMM.

- THANKS FOR INVITING ME TO YOUR MOM'S FUNERAL, YOU KOC.

- YOU'RE WEIRD.

[engine starts]

I KNOW I AM, BUT WHAT ARE YOU?

- I'M AWESOME. - YOU'RE AWESOME, DUDE!

- I KNOW!

- I REALLY SORT OF ENJOYED YOUR FAUX FUNERAL.

IT SET THE BAR PRETTY HIGH.

- SAY WHAT YOU WANT, BUT...

REBECCA KIND OF GOT IT RIGHT.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE GONNA GO, GO BIG.

IT'S YOUR GRAND FINALE. WHY SCRIMP?

- CAN I MEET YOU IN THE CAR?

I JUST GOTTA DO ONE QUICK THING.

I WANT THE BEST BURIAL PLOT THAT YOU HAVE.

FULL SUN...

LEVEL GROUND...

THE MORE SUN, THE BETTER.

CONSIDER THIS A DOWN PAYMENT.

- VERY GOOD.

[knock on door]

- IT'S OPEN!

- HEY.

- THAT WAS A NICE SPEECH.

THANK YOU.

- I'M SORRY ABOUT MY FRIENDS.

- DO YOU THINK...

THAT WE WOULD BE FRIENDS IF WE MET NOW?

YOU KNOW, AS ADULTS?

- HONESTLY, I DON'T KNOW.

- MAYBE WE PEAKED IN OUR 20s.

MAYBE WE SHOULD HAVE LEFT WELL ENOUGH ALONE.

WE HAD GREAT MEMORIES.

WOULD YOU AND I EVEN BE HANGING OUT

IF I WASN'T CARRYING YOUR BROTHER'S BABY OR...

[chuckles] WOULD HE AND I STILL BE TOGETHER?

I DON'T KNOW.

- WAIT, ARE YOU LEAVING?

- I THINK THAT SEAN AND I...

BOTH NEED SOMEBODY TO TAKE CARE OF US RIGHT NOW.

AND NEITHER ONE OF US IS UP FOR IT.

SO...I'M GOING BACK TO CHICAGO.

SPEND SOME TIME ALONE, YOU KNOW?

TAKE CARE OF SEAN.

- OKAY.

- HE RAN OFF BEFORE I EVEN HAD A CHANCE

TO TALK HIM, SO...

- REBECCA, I'M SO SORRY ABOUT THE BABY.

- I SHOULD HAVE PLANTED A TREE.

- ♪ WE'LL PARAPHRASE ETERNITIES ♪

♪ AND, OH, THE EVOLUTIONS OF YOUR SMILE ♪

- REMEMBER, THEY'RE SMALL.

JUST ROCK HER.

LET HER KNOW YOU'RE THERE.

- ♪ AS THE DAYLIGHT'S DRAWN IN ♪ [baby cooing]

♪ AND THE FEELING FADES AWAY ♪

♪ ♪

♪ BUT THE BELLS ARE CHIMING ♪

♪ AND THE HEIGHTS OF DIAMOND ♪

♪ AS I'M TRYING TO FIND MY WAY ♪

♪ ♪

♪ AND SILENTLY YOUR SECRETS SCRAWLED ♪

♪ ON PAPER CRANES AND BATHROOM WALLS ♪

♪ BUT NO ONE'S EVER DARED FIGURE YOU OUT ♪

♪ ♪

♪ SO YOU HELD ME LIKE A SINKING STONE ♪

♪ THE ONE YOU SHOULD HAVE NEVER THROWN ♪

♪ BUT IT'S TOO LATE, IT'S TOO LATE ♪

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