Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE BIG C...

- I LIKE THE WAY YOU ROLL, MYK. - I LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

- I'M THINKING OF PROPOSING TO REBECCA.

- THAT IS TERRIFIC.

YOU REALLY THINK ACUPUNCTURE COULD HELP?

- WHAT, NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED 'CAUSE IT'S HIS IDEA?

- I'M CURIOUS.

- YOU WEREN'T CURIOUS WHEN I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT MY GUY.

- MY WOMAN SPECIALIZES IN CANCER PATIENTS.

- UM, YOU'RE ANNOYING.

- I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR BEING CATHY'S CANCER FRIEND...

- [laughs] - AND HER REGULAR FRIEND TOO.

- SICK PEOPLE NEED SICK FRIENDS.

- MY NAIL'S GONE. THE DRUGS ARE WORKING.

[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Li]

- ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪

♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪

♪ STEP OUT ♪

♪ OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪

♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪

♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON? ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME WE PLAY ♪

♪ CALLED LIFE ♪

- [breathing heavily, coughs]

- ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

- YEAH, YEAH.

I JUST RAN 5 MILES, AND IT FELT LIKE 6 1/2.

I HAVE A PAIN IN THE NECK. THAT'S NOT A METAPHOR.

- WHY DON'T YOU SIT DOWN FOR A SECOND?

- I'M OKAY.

I'VE GOTTEN USED TO ALWAYS HAVING

A LITTLE PAIN SOMEWHERE, YOU KNOW?

- SPEAKING OF PAIN, HAVE YOU HAD ANY COOL SIDE EFFECTS

FROM OUR DRUGS YET--

BUTT RASH, CANKER SORES, FINGERNAILS FALLING OFF?

- UH, A BIRD POOPED ON ARM WHILE I WAS RUNNING.

THAT ISN'T A SIDE EFFECT, IS IT?

- [chuckles]

- HOW ABOUT YOU?

- NOT YET.

WHAT ARE YOU DOING FOR THANKSGIVING?

YOU VOLUNTEERING AT A HOMELESS SHELTER

OR MENTORING HOMELESS YOUTH

[laughing] OR SOMETHING ELSE HEROIC?

- THERE IS A HARD-BOILED EGG IN MY FRIDGE

THAT IS NOT GONNA EAT ITSELF.

- OKAY, THAT IS NO WAY TO SPEND THE DAY.

NO, YOU COME TO MY HOUSE.

EAT REAL FOOD.

- OH, I'M SURE YOUR FAMILY

DOESN'T WANT AN INTERLOPER HANGING AROUND.

- NO. TH--TH-- THEY'LL--THEY'LL LOVE IT,

JUST AS LONG AS THEY DON'T HAVE TO GO TO MY FATHER'S

AND LISTEN TO MY ANOREXIC STEPMOTHER

TALK ABOUT FOOD SHE'LL NEVER EAT

AND WATCH MY FATHER WATCH TV.

- SOUNDS VERY META.

- OR "SUCKY," AS ADAM WOULD SAY.

SO WE'RE JUST GONNA BE AT HOME,

AND I'M GONNA HOST MY FIRST THANKSGIVING,

AND DAD IS NOT INVITED.

SEAN'S GONNA GET AN ECO-FRIENDLY TURKEY

FROM SOMEBODY,

AND I'M JUST GONNA MAKE ALL THE SIDES I LOVE,

WHETHER THEY HAVE SOMETHING TO DO WITH THANKSGIVING OR NOT.

WE'RE JUST GONNA, YOU KNOW...

HAVE FUN. - YOU SURE YOU WANT ME THERE?

- YES.

I WANT TO BE SURROUNDED

BY MY FAMILY AND MY MOLE MATE.

- [chuckles] - SO WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE

THANKSGIVING DAY FOOD, OR ANY FOOD, FOR THAT MATTER?

AH. WELL, MY MOM'S PEOPLE ARE FRENCH,

AND SHE USED TO MAKE A PRETTY AWESOME BASQUE CAKE,

WHICH I STILL DREAM ABOUT AND TRY TO TASTE IN MY MIND.

- I AM GONNA FIND THE RECIPE ONLINE,

AND I WILL BAKE IT FOR YOU.

- YOU REALLY DON'T WANT TO DO THAT.

I-IT'S GOT TWO LAYERS OF PASTRY AND A CREAM CENTER,

AND IT'S JUST A WHOLE THING.

- TURKEY AND BASQUE CAKE.

YOU IN? - SURE.

I WILL JUST, UH, THROW SOME HEAT ON MY NECK AND GRAB A SHOWER.

- GOOD, 'CAUSE YOU SMELL LIKE SWEAT AND BIRD POO.

- OH, YOU CAN LET YOURSELF OUT.

- ALL RIGHT. 2:00, MY HOUSE.

GOBBLE. GOBBLE, GOBBLE.

- HEY, HAPPY THANKSGIVING, FRIEND...

WHATEVER THAT MEANS.

TIME TO BE GRATEFUL, YES?

- YEAH, I'M ESPECIALLY GRATEFUL

FOR THE FUCKING HEALTH-CARE SYSTEM IN THIS COUNTRY,

WHICH IS RETROACTIVELY DENYING ME A $3,000 BILL.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS, MYK?

THAT MEANS THAT THEY SAID, "OKAY, WE'LL PAY IT."

THEN THEY SAID, "OH, WELL, YOU KNOW WHAT?

WE'RE NOT GONNA PAY IT. WE WANT OUR MONEY BACK."

THAT'S WHAT IT MEANS. ISN'T THAT NICE?

IT'S LOVELY.

- AT LEAST WE MADE DOUBLE TIME AND A HALF TODAY.

I'M VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT. - [sighs]

YOU KNOW WHAT I'M GRATEFUL FOR?

I'M GRATEFUL FOR THE FACT THAT YOU ARE COMING

OVER TO MY HOUSE FOR THANKSGIVING.

AND I'M GONNA DO SOMETHING I HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO,

SOMETHING THAT I HAVE, LIKE, LAID AWAKE AT NIGHT DREAMING OF,

SOMETHING THAT I'VE RESEARCHED

AT 3:00 IN THE MORNING WHEN I COULDN'T SLEEP.

- WHAT IS THIS THING?

WHAT IS THIS MAGICAL, MAGICAL THING?

- MY DEAR NEW FRIEND...

I AM GONNA DEEP-FRY A TURKEY. - OH.

- OH, IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE SO MOIST.

I'M SO EXCITED. I'M JUST GONNA LET THE JUICES

DRIBBLE DOWN MY CHIN LIKE THAT--

NO APOLOGIES, JUST LIKE THAT.

- I AM LOOKING FORWARD TO TURKEY,

BUT MOSTLY, I CANNOT WAIT TO SEE ANDREA TONIGHT.

I LIKE HER VERY MUCH, PAUL.

I LIKE LOOKING AT HER. I LIKE TALKING TO HER.

SHE PUTS A SKIP IN MY STEP.

- REALLY HAPPY FOR YOU. I-I LIKE HER TOO--

I MEAN, NOT THE WAY YOU DO.

I JUST MEAN... - YEAH.

- SHE'S A GREAT GIRL.

SO I'LL SEE YOU LATER ON?

- YES. - ALL RIGHT.

YOU GOT THE ADDRESS? - YES, SIR.

- I WOULD'VE GONE WITH ONES

WITH FAUX DIAMOND HEARTS ON THEM.

THEY SAY, "I'M GIRLY, BUT I CAN SCRATCH YOU."

- NO, CATHY'S NOT A SCRATCHER.

- AND I'M TRYING TO BE SUBTLE.

PROMISE ME YOU GUYS WILL NOT SAY ANYTHING TO LEE ABOUT MY NAILS.

I MEAN, HE'S NOT HAVING THE SAME SIDE EFFECTS I AM,

AND I DON'T WANT HIM TO FEEL BAD.

- PROMISE.

- SO, SINCE YOU'RE LOSING YOUR NAILS,

THAT MEANS YOU'RE LOSING YOUR CANCER?

- WELL, THAT'S WHAT WE HOPE IS HAPPENING.

- I HAD A DREAM LAST NIGHT THAT MY TUMORS SPROUTED WINGS

AND FLEW OUT OF MY MOUTH.

I REMEMBER CALLING OUT TO THEM,

"COME BACK IF YOU NEED ANYTHING."

- [laughing] - WHY WOULD I SAY THAT?

- BECAUSE YOU'RE A MOM. [gasps]

GOD, I LOVE YOUR ENGAGEMENT RING.

I NEVER NOTICED IT. IT'S SO PRETTY.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

- I'VE NEVER REALLY LOVED IT. IT WAS MY MOM'S.

MY DAD GAVE IT TO PAUL WHEN HE WAS GOING TO PROPOSE.

HE WAS SO PROUD. HE THOUGHT IT WAS SO SPECIAL.

AND AS SOON AS I OPENED THAT BOX,

I THOUGHT, "OH, NO, NOT MOM'S UGLY RING."

- [chuckles] WELL, I LOVED YOUR MOTHER,

AND I LOVE THAT RING.

- WELL, THEN I'LL LEAVE IT TO YOU IN MY WILL.

- DON'T GET ALL DARK. THE TUMORS FLEW AWAY, REMEMBER?

BUT I DO WANT A RING ON MY FINGER SO BAD,

I CAN TASTE IT.

- I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU WANT TO MARRY SEAN.

HE LOOKS LIKE JESUS, ONLY ANGRIER.

MAYBE I'LL START CALLING YOU "MAGS" FOR MARY MAGDALENE.

- HIS MOTHER? - NO, HIS PROSTITUTE GIRLFRIEND.

READ A BIBLE.

- THAT'S WHY I WANT A RING,

'CAUSE I FEEL KIND OF PROSTITUTE-Y

BEING KNOCKED UP AND NOT MARRIED.

- WOW. THAT DOESN'T SOUND LIKE YOU.

- EXACTLY.

AND MAYBE IT'S THE HORMONES,

BUT I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO KNOW ME

AS CRAZY, INDEPENDENT, DRINKS-RUM-WITH-OMELETS REBECCA.

I WANT HER TO PLAY WITH MY RING

AND ASK ME HOW MOMMY AND DADDY FELL IN LOVE.

[chuckles] I HEAR MYSELF TALKING,

AND IT MAKES ME A LITTLE SICK, BUT IT'S TRUE.

- THAT'S NICE.

- I LOVE WEDDINGS.

I'VE GOT MINE ALL PLANNED OUT.

- DOES MYK KNOW?

- DON'T MAKE A BLACK GIRL BLUSH.

I'VE HAD IT PLANNED LONG BEFORE I EVEN MET HIM.

HE'S GOT TO EARN THE RIGHT TO RIDE MY DREAM.

- I LIKE YOUR ATTITUDE.

- THANK YOU, MAGS.

[door closes] - GOT IT.

GOT THE TURKEY.

SAY HELLO AND GOOD-BYE.

HEY, HONEY. - HI.

- HOW ARE YOU? HOW YOU FEELING?

- FAT IN THE THIGHS. - OH.

- [gasps] OH.

I-I THINK I JUST FELT HER FIRST KICK.

SHE KNOWS YOUR VOICE.

- OH. - EXCUSE ME.

EXCUSE ME!

WHY IS IT ALIVE?

- EXACTLY.

THIS GUY WON'T KILL THEM.

CAN I GO TO BRENT'S, PLEASE?

- ON THANKSGIVING DAY? NO.

SEAN. - HMM?

- WHY DID I PUT YOU IN CHARGE OF THE TURKEY?

YOU SAID THAT IT WAS GONNA BE-- - IT WAS GOING TO BE ORGANIC

AND FREE-RANGE AND FROM MY FRIEND'S FARM.

KILLING IT OURSELVES--

IT GIVES US THE OPPORTUNITY TO LEARN.

- WHY WOULDN'T YOU BRING IT TO ME HEADLESS AND NAKED

LIKE GOD INTENDED?

- WELL, LIVING AUTHENTICALLY

MEANS BEING IN TOUCH WITH THE CIRCLE OF LIFE.

I AM JUST GOING TO TEACH YOUNG ADAM HERE

WHAT I'LL BE TEACHING MY OWN KID SOON ENOUGH.

WHENEVER POSSIBLE,

YOU SHOULD PLANT OR KILL YOUR OWN FOOD.

- IT'S LIKE HE HAS SOME WEIRD POWER OVER ME.

- HI.

- HEY. I HOPE YOU LIKE WINE.

- OH. COME ON IN.

HERE, JUST--YOU CAN PUT IT RIGHT OVER THERE.

- TO BE HONEST, I ESPECIALLY LIKE A HOLIDAY

WHERE SOMEONE GETS TOO DRUNK TO STAND,

EVEN IF IT HAS TO BE ME.

OH, IF WE DRINK ALL OF THAT, NOBODY'S GONNA REMEMBER.

I'VE GOT TO GET BACK TO WHISKING.

THAT BASQUE CAKE IS NO JOKE.

- OH, YOU REALLY DON'T HAVE TO-- - NO, I WANT TO.

ANDREA, LEE. LEE, ANDREA.

AND, ANDREA, I NEED YOU TO PUT THESE...

PAPER TURKEYS--

TAPE THEM TOGETHER AND PUT THEM ALL AROUND THE HOUSE.

THEY'RE SO CUTE.

THANKS.

- HEY.

I'M FAT, AND YOU'RE GAY, SO WE'RE SUPPOSED TO GET ALONG.

- WELL, THEN I BET WE WILL. [chuckles awkwardly]

- HI. REBECCA.

- HI. LEE.

UH, WINE?

- OH, I'M PREGNANT,

SO I'LL JUST BE SNIFFING THE CORKS

AND TONGUE-KISSING PEOPLE WHO ARE DRINKING.

- OKAY. - NICE TO MEET YOU.

- YOU TOO. [door opens]

- HEY!

- OH, HEY.

- COME GIVE DADDY BEAR A BIG HUG!

- GOOD TO SEE YOU--[grunts] - OH-HO-HO!

- HOW ARE YOU DOING, PAUL? - OH, I'M DOING GOOD NOW.

LET ME TAKE THESE OFF YOUR HANDS.

- OKAY.

- SO WHAT DO WE DO EXACTLY?

- YEAH.

UM, ALL RIGHT, FIRST, WE THANK IT.

- FOR WHAT?

IT MADE SO MUCH NOISE IN THE CAR,

I THINK I'M DEAF IN ONE EAR. - ALL RIGHT.

TURKEY, THANK YOU FOR GIVING YOUR LIFE TO US

SO THAT WE MAY NOURISH OUR BODIES WITH YOURS

AND GATHER STRENGTH TO BE KIND,

GOOD, AND RECYCLE.

AND NOW YOU HAVE A CHOICE.

YOU CAN EITHER WRING ITS NECK OR CHOP ITS HEAD OFF.

- NO WAY.

- WELL, UH, I-IF YOU'RE GONNA EAT IT,

YOU HAVE TO KILL IT.

- WHY DO I HAVE TO KILL IT? WHY DON'T YOU KILL IT?

- [sighs] ALL RIGHT, UM...

WE WILL DO IT TOGETHER.

I'LL HOLD IT, AND YOU CAN, UM, CHOP OR WRING.

- NO, I'M NOT DOING THAT. OKAY, I'LL HOLD IT.

- ALL RIGHT, FINE. FINE.

WHERE'S THE CLEAVER?

- GOOD-BYE, MARTY.

- WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY?

- I JUST SAID GOOD-BYE LIKE YOU DID.

- BUT...

YOU JUST NAMED HIM.

WHY DID YOU NAME HIM?

- I DON'T KNOW. HE LOOKS--HE LOOKS LIKE A MARTY.

- [scoffs] WELL, GREAT.

NOW WE CAN'T KILL IT.

NOW HE'S LIKE A-A MEMBER OF THE FAMILY OR SOMETHING.

IT'S LIKE YOU JUST BREATHED INTO HIS MOUTH

AND GAVE HIM A SOUL.

- WAIT. YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO KILL HIM.

- WELL, NO, BECAUSE NOW HE HAS A NAME.

I MEAN, HE'S PROBABLY GOT A-A FAVORITE COLOR OR SOMETHING.

- OH, MARTY. MARTY. - MARTY.

MARTY, DON'T GO INTO THE STREET.

DON'T GOT INTO THE STREET, MARTY!

- ♪ IF YOU'RE WRONG ♪

♪ I DON'T WANT TO BE RIGHT ♪

♪ FEELING GOOD ♪

- HI. - HELLO.

- I'M REBECCA. - MYK.

- HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

- HELLO, SWEETHEART.

[smooches]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING.

- WHAT THE--

- [gasps]

AAH! I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT, I LOVE IT!

- THAT MAKES ME VERY HAPPY, BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

[box snaps closed] - YOU DON'T LOVE ME.

YOU DON'T KNOW ME. WE'VE BEEN ON TWO DATES.

- BUT I LOVE WHAT I KNOW SO FAR.

- [scoffs] OH, DO YOU?

OR ARE YOU JUST TRYING TO GET

INTO MY PANTS AS SOON AS YOU CAN, HMM?

AND THEN WHAT HAPPENS?

SUDDENLY YOU CANCEL OUR DATE 'CAUSE YOU HAVE A SINUS THING.

AND THEN I RUN INTO YOU AT THE MALL

WITH SOME SKINNY BLONDE BITCH ON YOUR ARM, RIGHT?

MM-MM. I WILL NOT BE PLAYED, PLAYER.

I WILL NOT BE PLAYED.

[footsteps ascending stairs]

- NO TURKEY FOR THANKSGIVING.

- WE'RE GONNA BE TURKEY LIGHT.

OH, LOOK, IT'S CATHY'S CARETAKER.

DID YOU COME TO CONTROL CATHY'S EXPERIENCE OF THANKSGIVING?

AWESOME.

- I CAME TO GET DRUNK AND EAT CAKE.

- SEAN, WHAT HAPPENED?

- MARTY ESCAPED.

WE CHASED HIM FOR, LIKE, SIX BLOCKS.

- WHO? - TURKEY LURKY...

WENT OVER A FENCE IN KIND OF A RUNNING, HOPPING, FLYING LEAP.

- I GOT FIVE GALLONS OF PEANUT OIL HEATING UP OUTSIDE.

W-WHAT AM I GONNA FRY IN THAT? - UH, YOUR ATTITUDE.

- MAYBE WE COULD ORDER A PIZZA. I'M GETTING A LITTLE WOOZY.

- YOU JUST NEED SOME PROTEIN, BABE.

I-I'LL GET YOU SOME NUTS.

- SO NOW HE'S JUST OUT THERE COLD AND ALONE?

- OH, DON'T WORRY. THAT TURKEY CAN TAKE CARE OF ITSELF.

THAT FUCKER WAS STRONG, FAST, AND DEFINITELY HAD A PLAN.

- WOULD YOU MAKE ME A SANDWICH?

- SURE.

- HEY, UH, DON'T LEAVE 'CAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY TURKEY.

SERIOUSLY, WE--WE GOT A TON OF NUTS TO GO AROUND.

WHO ARE YOU? - MY NAME IS MYK.

I'VE BEEN DATING ANDREA.

BUT SOMETHING WEIRD JUST HAPPENED TO HER,

AND NOW I FEEL LIKE I SHOULD LEAVE.

- UH, PEOPLE GET CRAZY ON HOLIDAYS

AND ESPECIALLY THIS ONE, 'CAUSE THIS IS A CRAZY HOLIDAY.

- IT'S ONLY MY FIRST THANKSGIVING.

- YEAH? OH. WELL, LET ME EXPLAIN IT, MYK.

PILGRIMS CAME OVER TO THIS NEW LAND

FOR A "NEW START, LEAVE THE PAST BEHIND" TYPE OF SITCH.

- HMM. THAT SOUNDS OKAY.

- EXCEPT WE WERE TOO STUPID TO GROW OUR OWN FOOD.

SO WE BEGGED THE INDIANS

TO TEACH US HOW TO FARM, WHICH THEY DID.

THEN WE GOT STRONG ENOUGH TO BURN THEIR VILLAGES

AND KICK THEM OFF THEIR OWN LAND,

AND THEN WE WERE LIKE, "GOOD LUCK WITH YOUR SMALLPOX."

THE ONLY REASON I'M EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING

THIS TRAIN WRECK OF A HOLIDAY

IS 'CAUSE I'M ON MOOD STABILIZERS.

[liquid pouring]

- EVERY STORE IN TOWN IS OUT OF TURKEYS.

- AH. NO BIG DEAL.

- OH, YEAH, WELL, WAIT.

YOU'RE A BUDDHIST. YOU DON'T EAT MEAT.

- [chuckles] I USED TO BE A VEGETARIAN

UNTIL ONE OF MY MEDS MADE ME REALLY ANEMIC,

AND I STARTED EATING FISH,

WHICH TURNED OUT TO BE A GATEWAY MEAT

TO CHICKEN, STEAK, VEAL-- YOU GET THE PICTURE.

I LOVE TURKEY, BUT WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO?

- A LOT OF PEOPLE NEEDING NUTS. - THIS IS ALL YOUR FAULT.

IF YOU'D JUST LET ME BUY A NORMAL TURKEY

FROM A STORE INSTEAD OF INSISTING

THIS BE PART OF YOUR SOCIAL AGENDA,

EVERYTHING WOULD'VE BEEN PERFECT.

- OH, LOOK, MY SISTER'S HAVING AN INAPPROPRIATE REACTION

TO SOMETHING INCONSEQUENTIAL.

MUST BE A HOLIDAY.

- YOU'RE NOT DOING A VERY GOOD JOB CONTROLLING HER.

- YOU KNOW, ONE DAY YOU'RE GONNA FIND ALL THIS REALLY FUNNY.

SO WHY NOT LAUGH ABOUT IT NOW?

A BIRD SHIT ON ME THIS MORNING, AND I LAUGHED.

- AND I RESPECT THAT,

BUT THIS IS MY FIRST THANKSGIVING--

- AND YOU'RE ACTING LIKE IT'S GONNA BE YOUR LAST.

WHERE'S YOUR CONFIDENCE, CATHY?

YOU WILL HAVE TURKEY NEXT YEAR.

GET IN HERE.

- I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE. - HMM.

WE CAN STILL BASK IN THE BASQUE CAKE.

- OH, CRAP. I FORGOT. I'VE GOT TO ROLL THE DOUGH.

- O-OKAY, I NEED SOMETHING TO FRY.

WHEAT THINS.

THEY'RE ALREADY CRUNCHY. DAMN IT.

- WHAT ABOUT MACARONI-AND-CHEESE BALLS?

WE MAKE THEM BACK HOME IN MY BAR, AND THEY ARE DIVINE.

- WE'LL PUT THEM ON STICKS. - YEAH.

- NO, NOT--NOT MY MACARONI.

JUST MAKE MINE EXTRA CRISPY.

- ATTAGIRL.

- SO, UH, WHAT DO YOU USUALLY DO THANKSGIVING?

- UH, NOTHING SPECIAL...

ALTHOUGH I DID ONCE GET TWO BLOW JOBS.

THAT WAS SPECIAL. - WOW.

- ONE OF THE GUYS WAS WEARING A PILGRIM HAT,

AND I WILL NEVER FORGET HIM.

- WOW. - HMM.

- YOU GAY GUYS REALLY PRIORITIZE SEX.

IT'S AWESOME. - [chuckles]

- I DON'T THINK I'VE EVER EVEN HAD SEX ON THANKSGIVING.

I'M ALWAYS SO--SO BLOATED AND TIRED, YOU KNOW?

TRYPTOPHAN IS A BITCH.

- WELL, NO TURKEY TODAY, JUST A LOT OF FRIED PASTA,

WHICH WE'RE ALMOST OUT OF, SO, UH, ALL RIGHT, WHAT'S NEXT, HUH?

- OH.

- WHAT?

- HA HA!

SORRY, SUCKER. YOU'RE GOING IN.

- WHAT DO YOU GOT THERE?

- IT'S OUR LATEST INSURANCE BILL.

IT LOOKS A HELL OF A LOT LIKE OUR LAST THREE INSURANCE BILLS.

- MAKE IT SUFFER, PLEASE, ON BEHALF OF ALL INSURANCE BILLS.

- DIE, BITCH.

- WHOA! [both laughing]

- CAN I PLAY WITH YOU GUYS?

- YES, COME PLAY WITH US. - COME PLAY WITH US.

- COME ON. I WILL BE RIGHT BACK WITH ANOTHER BOTTLE.

- HERE.

- MM. - BE MY GUEST.

- THESE ARE VERY GOOD.

- HELL, YES.

HEY, UH...

- I NOTICED YOU LEAVING WITH SOME CELL PHONES TODAY.

- OH, YES. SOME GIFTS FOR SOME FRIENDS.

- YEAH, YOU'RE A VERY GENEROUS FRIEND.

AND THAT NECKLACE YOU GOT FOR ANDREA--

WOW, THAT'S EXPENSIVE.

I MEAN, IF YOU'RE MAKING WHAT I'M MAKING AT THE MAX BUY,

YOU'RE MAKING YOUR DOLLAR GO A LOT FARTHER THAN I AM.

WHAT'S YOUR SECRET?

- I LIVE WITH FOUR GUYS IN A TWO-BEDROOM APARTMENT.

- BUDDY, LOOK...

I'LL CLEAN OUT MY BASEMENT. YOU CAN LIVE THERE.

YOU CAN'T BE STEALING STUFF.

YOU KNOW, YOU'LL SCREW UP YOUR ENTIRE FUTURE,

NOT TO MENTION CORRODE YOUR SOUL.

- ARE YOU TRYING TO SCARE ME, PAUL?

BECAUSE I DON'T SCARE EASILY. - NO.

I'M TRYING TO REASON WITH YOUR SENSE OF MORALITY, MAN.

PEOPLE THINK, OH, THEY STEAL A LITTLE BIT OF STUFF

FROM A BIG COMPANY, IT HAS NO EFFECT.

IT DOES HAVE AN EFFECT. - REALLY?

DID YOU KNOW THAT IN MAX BUY'S BUDGET,

THERE IS A LINE ITEM THAT ACCOUNTS

FOR 3% OF THEIR MERCHANDISE BEING LOST OR STOLEN?

I AM PROVING THEM RIGHT.

EVERYBODY LIKES TO BE RIGHT.

SO IS IT TOO MUCH IF I ASK YOU TO LOOK THE OTHER WAY?

- IS IT TOO MUCH FOR ME TO ASK TO BE CUT IN?

- YEAH, LIKE WE NEED 100 PAPER TURKEYS ALL AROUND THE HOUSE.

SORRY MY MOM'S INSANE.

- DON'T YOU CRITICIZE HER.

SHE'S SICK AND JUST WANTS TO MAKE IT A SPECIAL DAY.

YOU'RE JUST PISSY BECAUSE YOUR PARENTS

WON'T LET YOU INVITE A WHORE TO DINNER.

- WHAT'S YOUR PROBLEM?

REBECCA SAYS YOU SHOVED MYK

AND ACCUSED HIM OF DYING TO HAVE SEX WITH YOU.

- MY PROBLEM IS GUYS LIKE YOU WHO WANT TO TAKE ADVANTAGE

OF GIRLS WHO WANT TO BE TREATED RIGHT.

YOU MAKE ME SICK.

- BELIEVE ME, YOU'RE WAY TOO ANNOYING

TO JUST HANG OUT WITH IF HE WANTED TO GET IN YOUR PANTS.

SO IT'S EITHER HE REALLY LIKES YOU, ANDREA,

OR HE'S A BIGGER FREAK THAN YOU ARE.

- HOW'S YOUR HOT DISH, HOT DISH?

- PAUL, MOVE BACK. THIS IS REALLY HOT.

- WOW. THAT LOOKS DELICIOUS. COULD I HAVE A PIECE?

- WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

- CAN I HAVE SOME SEX, PLEASE?

PLEASE CAN I HAVE SOME SEX? - [laughs]

WHAT, NOW?

- YEAH. - THERE ARE PEOPLE IN THE HOUSE.

- I'VE NEVER HAD SEX ON THANKSGIVING.

IT'S A HOLIDAY OF IMBIBING. WHO SAYS--

WHO SAYS THAT-- THAT YOU HAVE TO IMBIBE FOOD?

OH, THERE'S THE RUB. THERE IT IS.

THERE'S THE RUB. - OH, WHY DON'T WE--

WE CAN--WE CAN REVISIT THIS WHEN WE'RE ALONE.

- BUT YOU SAID YOUR TREATMENTS ARE WORKING,

AND YOU'RE FEELING BETTER.

- SHH. - [inhales sharply]

- [softly] WE DON'T WANT LEE TO KNOW, REMEMBER?

- LET'S JUST SNEAK UPSTAIRS. WHO CARES IF ANYBODY HEARS US?

WHY HIDE IT? LET'S BE OPEN ABOUT SEX.

LEE IS.

GOD, THAT MAN MAKES ME SO FUCKING HORNY.

I DON'T KNOW WHAT IT IS.

- STOP.

- COME ON, IT'S HOLIDAY TIME. GIVE ME A LITTLE, TINY PIECE.

- CAKE IS DONE. DINNER'S SERVED!

- THE THING IS, YOU'RE TOO HANDSOME TO BE SICK.

- I THINK THAT IS A VALID ARGUMENT.

I JUST DON'T KNOW WHO TO MAKE IT TO.

- [laughs] [overlapping chatter]

- BASQUE CAKE.

OKAY, EVERYBODY. [laughs]

HAPPY THANKSGIVING!

[camera beeps, whirs] YOU KNOW, I WAS--

I WAS GONNA APOLOGIZE BECAUSE THERE'S

NO TURKEY ON THE TABLE.

BUT YOU KNOW WHAT? THE MORE I THOUGHT ABOUT IT,

YOU KNOW, THE MORE I REALIZED I DON'T EVEN KNOW

IF I REALLY LOVE TURKEY OR JUST THE IDEA OF TURKEY,

YOU KNOW, HOW IT SORT OF COMPLETES THE PICTURE

IN MY MIND OF THE PERFECT THANKSGIVING.

SO I'M SORRY, SEAN...

- NOT FORGIVEN. - FOR WHINING ABOUT THE TURKEY,

BECAUSE, HONESTLY,

I'M A STUFFING GIRL, AND WE GOT PLENTY OF THAT.

WE HAVE TWO DIFFERENT KINDS, IN FACT,

AND I'M GONNA EAT IT UNTIL I'M SICK.

OOPS TOO LATE. [scattered laughter]

SO DOES ANYONE ELSE HAVE

ANYTHING THEY WANT TO BE HONEST ABOUT?

- I HONESTLY WANT TO GET LAID THIS THANKSGIVING.

I AM TOUCHING MY WIFE UNDER THE TABLE RIGHT NOW.

- STOP IT. [laughter and murmurs]

STOP IT!

- I AM HONESTLY DISGUSTED BY THAT,

AND I WISH I WAS AT BRENT'S HOUSE.

[scattered laughter]

- MAY I-- MAY I SAY SOMETHING?

- PLEASE. SAY ANYTHING.

SAY IT IN RUSSIAN IF YOU HAVE TO.

- TODAY I AM HONESTLY VERY GRATEFUL TO BE HERE

WITH NEW FRIENDS AND WITH SO MUCH FOOD

THAT DOESN'T SEEM TO GO TOGETHER, BUT...

I AM--WANTED TO HEAR MY GIRLFRIEND SAY

THAT SHE LOVED ME TODAY, BUT THAT'S NOT GOING TO HAPPEN,

AND THAT'S OKAY.

LOVING YOU IS STILL A GIFT TO ME, ANDREA,

EVEN IF YOU DON'T LOVE ME BACK.

AND I AM VERY GRATEFUL FOR THAT FEELING.

[Rebecca gasps] - THIS IS YOUR FAULT.

YOU'RE SO BROKEN THAT I THOUGHT

THAT EVERY GUY WAS JUST LIKE YOU.

YOU'RE MESSED UP.

- I TOLD YOU HE LIKED YOU. - HE LOVES ME.

AND I LOVE HIM TOO.

- FOR REAL?

- AWW.

- NOW YOU'RE DROOLING IN THE CHICKEN.

- OKAY. - AWESOME.

- HELL, YEAH. HELL, YEAH.

- THAT IS SO BEAUTIFUL AND INSPIRING.

- DON'T CRY. HE SAID IT TO ME.

- BUT HE'S RIGHT.

BEING IN LOVE MAKES YOU FEEL REALLY GOOD,

AND IT MAKES YOU--

I WANT TO BE MARRIED TO THIS MAN.

NOT--NOT BECAUSE I'M CARRYING YOUR BABY AND I SHOULD,

BUT BECAUSE I... I LIKE YOU...

BECAUSE I LOVE YOU.

YOU'RE--YOU'RE SUCH A CRAZY NUT JOB,

BUT YOU NEVER LIE.

I TRUST EVERY WORD THAT COMES OUT OF YOUR MOUTH,

AND--AND...

I CANNOT WAIT TO HEAR YOU TELL OUR DAUGHTER

ABOUT THE HAZARDS OF CELL PHONES

AND ARTIFICIAL SWEETENERS

AND HOW THE ASIAN CARP IS ENDANGERING

THE FRAGILE ECOSYSTEMS OF OUR RIVERS

[laughing] AND--AND HOW SEEDS TAKE YOUR BREATH AWAY

BECAUSE THEY TURN INTO THE MOST AMAZING PLANTS.

SO...

SEAN TOLKE...

- [squeals]

- I-- - REBECCA...

REBECCA...

WILL YOU MARRY ME? - YES!

- OH! OH! HA HA!

HA HA!

- SHOULD WE GET UP NOW?

- [softly] CATHY...

WOULD YOU GIVE HIM YOUR RING TO GIVE TO ME?

- [chuckles] ARE YOU KIDDING ME?

- YOU--YOU SAID YOU DIDN'T LIKE IT,

AND YOU WERE GONNA LEAVE IT TO ME ANYWAY.

- I'M NOT DEAD YET, REBECCA. - THAT'S NOT WHAT I MEANT.

- WHAT RING DON'T YOU LIKE?

- I--

I TOLD HER I DIDN'T LIKE MY ENGAGEMENT RING,

BUT THAT'S NOT YOUR FAULT, BECAUSE YOU DIDN'T PICK IT OUT.

- YOU NEVER TOLD ME THAT.

I WOULD'VE BOUGHT YOU A DIFFERENT RING.

- SEE? HE DOESN'T CARE. YOU COULD JUST GET A NEW ONE.

WE NEED A RECYCLED ONE. IT'S PERFECT.

CATHY TOLD ME THAT SHE DOESN'T LIKE

YOUR MOM'S RING, AND WE CAN HAVE IT.

- NO, THAT'S NOT EXACTLY WHAT I SAID.

- WELL, TECHNICALLY, I AM THE OLDEST,

AND MOM PROBABLY WOULD'VE WANTED ME TO HAVE IT,

IF SHE HADN'T BEEN CONVINCED THAT NOBODY IN THEIR RIGHT MIND

WOULD EVER MARRY ME.

OH, LOOK AT ME NOW, MA.

- FINE. FINE. HERE...

- OH! - GREAT.

HERE, TAKE IT.

- [groans] - ARE YOU OKAY, HONEY?

- OH.

- I JUST--I JUST THINK I HAD TOO MANY NUTS.

- OH, SIT DOWN.

- THAT'S FUNNY.

YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE THE FAKE-NAIL-WEARING TYPE OF GAL.

- UM, YEAH, YOU KNOW, SOMETIMES.

- UH-HUH.

- SPECIAL--SPECIAL OCCASIONS, HOLIDAYS.

- OR WHEN YOU'RE, UH, COVERING UP THE SIDE EFFECTS

OF THE TRIAL. WHAT?

[chuckles awkwardly] DID YOU LIE TO ME ABOUT THAT?

- I JUST-- I DIDN'T WANT YOU TO FEEL BAD.

- WHY WOULD I FEEL BAD?

YOU DON'T THINK I'M ROOTING FOR YOU?

- NO--OF COURSE. AND I'M ROOTING FOR YOU,

WHICH IS WHY I DIDN'T SAY-- - OH, OH, I GET IT.

YOU'RE NOT WORRIED THAT THIS IS YOUR LAST THANKSGIVING.

YOU THINK THAT IT'S MINE. - THAT'S NOT TRUE.

- OH, COME ON. COME ON.

EVERYBODY ELSE IS BEING HONEST. WHY CAN'T YOU?

- FINE.

I THINK THINGS ARE WORKING FOR ME

AND NOT FOR YOU.

AND I DIDN'T WANT TO RUB YOUR FACE IN IT,

BECAUSE I CARE ABOUT YOU.

AND IF THAT'S SO WRONG, THEN EXCUSE ME FOR LIVING.

- I HAVE STAYED ALIVE FOR 12 YEARS

THROUGH EIGHT CLINICAL TRIALS.

HELL, I'M IN A TEXTBOOK SOMEWHERE,

SO I DON'T NEED YOUR FUCKING PITY...

OR YOUR PITY CAKE.

[Rebecca gasps] HEY!

YOU KNOW, WINE DOESN'T COME OUT OF STUFF!

- I DIDN'T MEAN TO UPSET YOU.

- LET'S JUST GET THINGS BACK ON TRACK HERE, PEOPLE.

- THE REALLY NOT VERY FUNNY JOKE HERE IS ON YOU, CATHY,

BECAUSE I DON'T KNOW IF YOU READ THE SMALL PRINT

WHEN YOU SIGNED UP FOR THAT CLINICAL TRIAL,

BUT THOSE DRUGS DON'T CURE YOU.

- HEY! YOU KNOCK THAT OFF IN FRONT OF MY KID!

- I'M NOT A KID. - BORROWING A MIRACLE

FROM A NONEXISTENT GOD,

THE BEST THAT YOU CAN HOPE FOR IS A LITTLE MORE TIME.

AND I REALLY, REALLY HOPE YOU GET IT, CATHY,

BECAUSE YOU ARE DEFINITELY NOT READY TO GO.

- OKAY, I'M READY FOR YOU TO GO.

- YEAH, ME TOO. - MY PLEASURE.

- SEAN, I REALLY DON'T FEEL SO GREAT.

- WELL, OF COURSE NOT, HONEY. THIS IS TOXIC ENVIRONMENT.

WE'RE GOING HOME.

HAPPY THANKSGIVING...

NOT. - I'M SORRY, CATHY.

[mouths words]

[turkey gobbling] - HEY.

LOOK, MARTY'S BACK.

[turkey gobbling]

- WHERE YOU GOING, HON?

[light rock music]

- ♪ THE NUMBER WAS ENGAGED ♪

♪ ♪

[turkey gobbling loudly, thud]

♪ ♪

♪ NO ONE EVER WAITS ♪

- PLUCK IT, GUT IT.

WE EAT AT MIDNIGHT.

[siren wailing]

♪ ♪

- ♪ SLOW ♪

♪ ♪

♪ JUST BREATHE ♪

♪ ♪

♪ SLOW ♪

♪ ♪