Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY, ON THE BIG C...

- MYK, THIS IS ANDREA.

ANDREA'S JUST LIVING WITH US FOR A WHILE.

- HEY, MYK.

- WOULD IT BE OKAY IF I ASK HER OUT?

- YOUR MOM TOLD ME ABOUT YOUR CRABS

AND I DON'T EVER WANT TO SEE YOU AGAIN.

- OH, GOD. I'M SORRY.

I'VE MISLED YOU.

I'M MARRIED. - [laughs]

- WHY ARE YOU LAUGHING? - I'M GAY.

- WHY CAN'T ANYTHING GO THE WAY IT'S SUPPOSED TO?

- CAN'T CONTROL THE UNIVERSE.

YOU'RE THE WATER, NOT THE ROCK.

- WHAT ARE YOU, SOME KIND OF GOD DAMN BUDDHIST?

- WELL, I'LL USUALLY LEAVE OFF THE "GOD DAMN" PART.

[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life]

- ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪

♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪

♪ STEP OUT ♪

♪ OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪

♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪

♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON? ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME WE PLAY ♪

♪ CALLED LIFE ♪

- SHORTNESS OF BREATH? - NO.

- MUSCLE CRAMPING? - NO.

- UM, NIGHT SWEATS? - NOPE.

- RASH, PARTICULARLY AROUND THE BACK, NECK, OR BUTTOCKS?

- NO BUTT RASH. - EXCUSE ME.

COULD YOU USE SOAP AND WATER?

THAT TOXIC CONCOCTION YOU'RE SLATHERING ON

IS CREATING A WHOLE NEW BREED OF SUPER BUG.

- SIR, I NEED FOR YOU TO BE QUIET

OR BE SOMEWHERE ELSE.

- SEAN.

- FLAKING OFF OR COMPLETE LOSS OF FINGER OR TOENAILS?

- NOPE. - OKAY.

UM, SO YOU HAVE NO SIDE EFFECTS FROM THE DRUGS.

IS THAT GOOD? I GUESS THAT'S GOOD.

- I DON'T THINK SO.

I THINK IT MEANS THAT MY BODY'S RESISTING THE DRUGS.

IF MY NAILS AREN'T FALLING OUT,

THEN IT'S NOT EATING MY CANCER.

- HMM.

- HUH?

CARE TO ELABORATE ON THAT?

IS THAT MEDICAL JARGON FOR "GREAT,"

OR IS THAT AS SCARY AS IT SOUNDS?

- YOUR BLOOD PRESSURE IS HIGH.

- WAIT, LET ME SEE THE NUMBERS. I DON'T TRUST--

- SEAN, YOU ARE MAKING ME NERVOUS.

YOU MIGHT BE THE REASON MY BLOOD PRESSURE'S UP.

- IT'S BEEN CLIMBING YOUR LAST TWO VISITS.

DR. SHERMAN WILL TAKE A LOOK.

HE MIGHT WANT TO PUT YOU ON SOME BLOOD PRESSURE MEDICATION.

- THAT'S NOT NECESSARY.

IT'S WHITE COAT SYNDROME.

ALL THE TOLKES HAVE IT.

WE SEE A WHITE COAT,

OUR VITAL STATISTICS GO THROUGH THE FUCKING ROOF.

- YOU KNOW, WE RECOMMEND PATIENTS BRING A FRIEND

WITH THEM TO TREATMENT TO HELP THEM STAY CALM.

HE MAY NOT BE IT.

- LET ME CHECK HER PRESSURE, OKAY?

- DON'T TOUCH THE CUFF.

YOU CAN TALK TO DR. SHERMAN ABOUT IT NEXT WEEK.

IN THE MEANTIME, TRY TO RELAX.

AND HOW EXACTLY DO YOU DO THAT WHEN YOU'RE TERMINALLY ILL?

- LET'S GET OUT OF HERE.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU SHOULD TRY ACUPUNCTURE

TO GET YOUR BLOOPRESSURE DOWN.

I KNOW AN AMAZING GUY WHO USED TO BRING

HIS NEEDLES TO THE PARK AND WORK ON EVERYBODY.

TWO BLIND GUYS GOT A LITTLE BIT OF SIGHT BACK.

I KID YOU NOT. - NO, IT'S OKAY.

IF I HAVE TO TAKE A PILL FOR IT, THAT'S NOT THE WORST THING.

- [chuckles]

AHH, HIYA.

- I WOULD TEAR OFF MY RIGHT ARM

TO HAVE A LOOK ON MY FACE LIKE THAT

WHEN I COME OUT OF AN EXAM ROOM.

- THAT FILIPINO NURSE ALWAYS CRACKS ME UP.

SOMETHING WRONG?

- MY BLOOD PRESSURE'S TOO HIGH.

THEY MIGHT HAVE TO PUT ME ON MEDICATION.

- NO, NO, DON'T LET THEM PUT YOU ON BLOOD PRESSURE MEDS.

WE CAN GET THAT DOWN FOR YOU.

LET ME TAKE YOU TO MY ACUPUNCTURIST.

- THAT'S WHAT I JUST SAID.

- LEE, THIS IS MY BROTHER SEAN.

THAT IS WHAT HE JUST SAID.

YOU REALLY THINK ACUPUNCTURE CAN HELP?

- WHAT, NOW YOU'RE INTERESTED 'CAUSE IT'S HIS IDEA?

- I'M CURIOUS.

- YOU WEREN'T CURIOUS WHEN I JUST TOLD YOU ABOUT MY GUY.

- YOUR GUY'S HOMELESS. - HE'S NOT HOMELESS.

HE WORKS ON THE HOMELESS.

DO YOU JUST TUNE ME OUT?

- I WISH I COULD. KEEP YOUR VOICE DOWN.

- AHEM, MY WOMAN SPECIALIZES IN CANCER PATIENTS.

- UM, YOU'RE ANNOYING.

- WELL, I GUESS IT WOULDN'T HURT TO FIND OUT.

I HOPE IT DOESN'T HURT.

I LIKE THE IDEA OF SEEING A WOMAN FOR A CHANGE.

- MM-HMM. - YOU KNOW WHAT? WHATEVER.

I GOT TO GET OUT OF HERE ANYWAY.

MY WHITE COAT SYNDROME'S OVERRIDING MY BETA BLOCKERS.

UM, HEY, DOC, I JUST WANT YOU TO ASK YOURSELF

OVER AND OVER TODAY, "AM I HELPING...

OR AM I HURTING?"

- HUH. - I'M SORRY.

MY FAMILY IS BLUNT, TENSE,

AND CAN'T RELAX FOR SHIT.

- WELL, LET'S SEE WHAT WE CAN DO ABOUT THAT.

- DOES THAT HURT?

- NO, SORRY.

IT'S JUST A REFLEX.

I'M NOT USED TO HAVING SHARP OBJECTS PIERCED INTO MY FACE.

- [chuckles] JUST RELAX.

LET YOUR QI GET ITS GROOVE ON.

- MY "CHEESE"?

- "CHEE."

IT'S YOUR VITAL ENERGY.

THE NEEDLES UNBLOCK IT, HELP IT FLOW.

- RIGHT. - KNOCK-KNOCK.

JUST CHECKING ON THE PATIENT. - MMM.

- AM I INTERRUPTING A DEEP MOMENT?

- WELL, I'M NOT FLOATING YET.

- WELL, GIVE IT TIME. - HOW MUCH?

- WELL, I'M HERE TWICE A WEEK MYSELF.

IT'S BASICALLY A REALLY EXPENSIVE NAP,

BUT I FEEL AN AMAZING SENSE OF CALM AFTERWARDS.

- I DON'T FEEL ANYTHING. - I DO.

YOUR PULSE SLOWED DOWN WHEN YOUR HUSBAND CAME IN THE ROOM.

[laughter] - WE'RE NOT MARRIED.

- NO, SHE'S MISSING THE ONE THING I LOOK FOR IN A HUSBAND.

- [chuckles] WELL, REGARDLESS,

THERE IS SOMETHING SPECIAL GOING ON BETWEEN YOU TWO.

THERE'S A MEDICAL TERM FOR IT.

ANASTOMOSIS.

- HMM, GREAT. NOW I HAVE SOMETHING ELSE.

- IT'S WHEN TWO STREAMS THAT PREVIOUSLY BRANCHED OUT,

LIKE BLOOD VESSELS, RECONNECT.

OR IN YOUR CASE, TWO PEOPLE.

SOMETIMES, ONE PERSON CAN ACTUALLY AFFECT

THE OTHER'S BREATHING OR HEART RATE.

SYMBIOSIS. SOUL MATES.

- HMM. WE'RE NOT SOUL MATES.

WE HARDLY KNOW EACH OTHER.

- WELL, YOUR PULSE BEGS TO DIFFER.

UH, REST HERE WHILE I MIX UP SOME HERBS

FOR YOU TO MAKE A TEA WITH AT HOME.

- HMM.

- HOW DO YOU FEEL?

- STUCK.

- IN YOUR LIFE?

- IN MY FACE. - HMM.

HERE.

- OH, THANK YOU.

- OH.

- OH, YEAH.

THAT WAS MY FIRST.

NOW IT'S GOT FRIENDS.

OOH.

- A MET-1.

JUST A LITTLE MOLE I THOUGHT WAS NOTHING.

- HMM, I KNOW THE FEELING.

- SO WE'RE NOT SOUL MATES.

WE'RE MOLE MATES.

[laughter]

- "MOLE MATES."

- [whistles]

YOU STILL ON HOLD?

- YEAH.

IT'S AN INSURANCE COMPANY TACTIC

TO DISCOURAGE THE LITTLE GUY, YOU KNOW?

BUT I SAY SCREW 'EM.

I WILL LISTEN TO THIS ENDLESS LOOP

OF NEIL DIAMOND SONGS TILL SOMEBODY PICKS UP.

- CAN I ASK YOU SOMETHING? - YEAH.

- DO YOU THINK ANDREA WOULD LET ME KISS HER

ON OUR FIRST DATE?

- I DON'T KNOW, MAN.

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF SIGNAL'S SHE SENDING OUT?

- WELL, WHAT'S THE SIGNAL FOR "YES"?

- YOU GOTTA LEARN THE BODY LANGUAGE, YOU KNOW?

I MEAN, ONCE, ANDREA AND I WERE SITTING

ON THE COUCH, YOU KNOW, WATCHING TV,

AND I ASKED HER FOR THE REMOTE.

AND SHE JUST SCOWLED AT ME.

- OH, OKAY, WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

- WELL, I THINK IT MEANS, YOU KNOW,

"SHUT THE FUCK UP OR I'LL CUT YOU."

- OH.

- BUT THAT'S THE POINT, BUDDY.

IT'S LIKE EVERY WOMAN'S DIFFERENT.

AND UNTIL YOU FIGURE 'EM OUT, YOU KNOW,

YOU JUST DON'T ASK FOR THE REMOTE, RIGHT?

OH! SHIT. I GOT TO GO.

WAIT. HEY.

DAISY! IT'S PAUL JAMISON...AGAIN.

YES, I AM CALLING ABOUT MY WIFE'S CLAIM...AGAIN.

YOU'RE STILL SENDING US A BILL--

- EXCUSE ME, COULD I GET SOME HELP?

- ONE SECOND.

DAISY, I GOT TO CALL YOU BACK IN 15 MINUTES.

HOW CAN I HELP YOU?

NICK! - PAUL.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- GREAT TO SEE YOU.

- HOW ARE YOU? - GREAT, GREAT.

EVERYONE IN THE OFFICE MISSES YOU.

- THANK YOU.

- SO YOU WORK HERE?

- WHAT? - YOU WORK HERE?

- YES, YEAH.

UH, TEMPORARILY, YOU KNOW?

BENEFITS. IT'S ALL ABOUT THE BENEFITS.

REALLY GOOD FOR--FOR CATHY.

- RIGHT, RIGHT, RIGHT. HOW IS SHE DOING?

- FANTASTIC. REALLY FANTASTIC.

DOING THIS NEW CLINICAL TRIAL, YOU KNOW,

GETTING ALL THESE, UM, CUTTING EDGE DRUGS

AND STUFF LIKE THAT, SO IT'S REALLY GREAT.

[sighs]

HOW'S YOUR SWEETIE?

- ANDY'S GOOD. - GOOD.

- YEAH, YEAH. - THAT'S GREAT.

- IT'S GREAT YOU GOT SOMETHING.

IT'S A TOUGH JOB MARKET OUT THERE.

- YEAH.

- SO HOW--HOW DOES IT WORK HERE?

DO YOU GET A COMMISSION?

- YEP.

COMMISSION AND, UH, YOU KNOW,

A NICE EMPLOYEE DISCOUNT... [begins whispering]

THAT I'M HAPPY TO PASS ALONG TO YOU.

- OH, NO, PAUL. COME ON, DON'T WORRY.

I WANT TO GET THIS FOR ANDY'S BIRTHDAY.

AND I AM PAYING FULL PRICE.

I INSIST.

- OKAY.

UM, LET ME SEE.

YOU KNOW, THAT'S WEIRD.

WE GOT A BUNCH OF THESE BRAVIAS IN THIS MORNING.

THEY MUST BE MESSING WITH THE STOCK.

OH, FUCK!

OH, GOD. - PAUL, ARE YOU OKAY?

- YEP, PERFECT. I'M GOOD.

- EH, IT NEEDS TO BOIL DOWN SOME MORE.

- GOD, I HOPE IT TASTES BETTER THAN IT SMELLS.

- WELL, YEAH, NOT REALLY.

BUT THINGS COULD BE WORSE

THAN MAKING STINKY TEA WITH YOUR SOUL MATE.

- YEAH, I HATE THAT TERM... "SOUL MATE."

NOT ONLY IS IT A CLICHE,

BUT IT'S THE REASON MILLIONS OF WOMEN

ARE UNHAPPY AND SINGLE.

AND THEY SIT AT HOME,

THEY WATCH DUMB ROMANTIC COMEDIES,

AND THEN THEY THINK, "ONE DAY.

"ONE DAY, THE PERFECT MAN FOR ME IS GONNA SHOW UP

"AND HE'S GONNA WHISK ME OFF MY FEET,

AND THEN EVERY DAY IT'S GONNA BE A RIDE ON A MAGIC CAROUSEL."

- WELL, I THINK SOMEONE IS A LITTLE DEFENSIVE.

- NO, I'M NOT DEFENSIVE.

JUST THAT RELATIONSHIPS

ARE A LOT MORE COMPLICATED THAN THAT.

- OKAY, SO YOU AND PAUL, YOU AREN'T SOUL MATES?

- NO, BECAUSE THEY DON'T EXIST.

- WELL, I DON'T KNOW.

I THINK THAT YOU CAN HAVE SPECIAL CONNECTIONS

WITH A BUNCH OF PEOPLE THAT YOU CAN'T EXPLAIN.

I DON'T THINK THAT YOU HAVE TO BE MARRIED TO YOUR SOUL MATE.

I THINK THAT YOU CAN HAVE ONE ON THE SIDE.

[chuckles]

- WHAT THE HELL IS HE DOING HERE?

ONLY ACCEPTABLE ANSWER IS YOU HIT HIM WITH YOUR CAR

AND DRAGGED HIM HOME ON YOUR BUMPER.

- HIS NAME IS LEE, PAUL, AND WE LIKE HIM NOW.

- [groans]

- OH, NO. DID YOU HURT YOUR BACK AGAIN?

- YEAH, WRENCHED IT LIFTING A TV.

- OH, WOW. DO YOU DO THAT COMPETITIVELY?

- [chuckles]

- SHE MAY LIKE YOU, BUT I'M STILL UNDECIDED.

JESUS, SMELLS LIKE THE INSIDE OF A BELLYBUTTON IN HERE.

- LEE TOOK ME TO HIS ACUPUNCTURIST.

THEY GAVE ME THIS HORRIBLE TEA.

IT'S SUPPOSED TO BE GOOD FOR HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE.

- WAIT, YOU HAVE HIGH BLOOD PRESSURE NOW?

WHEN WERE YOU GONNA TELL ME ABOUT THAT?

- I JUST FOUND OUT THREE HOURS AGO.

- OH, SO YOU GUYS GO TO ACUPUNCTURE TOGETHER?

YOU'RE LIKE BEST FRIENDS NOW OR SOMETHING?

- CALM DOWN. DON'T BE JEALOUS.

HE'S GAY. - OH.

- 100%.

- GOOD, GOOD FOR YOU. - THANKS.

AND IF ANYBODY SHOULD BE JEALOUS,

IT SHOULD BE CATHY.

YOU'RE ACTUALLY MY TYPE, PAUL.

- WELL, I'M GLAD THIS DIDN'T JUST GET AWKWARD.

- UH-HUH. I'M INTO BEARS.

I LIKE MY MEN BIG AND HAIRY.

- NO SHIT?

- MMM, FORTUNATELY FOR ME, THERE'S A BEAR BAR

JUST DOWN THE STREET FROM ME.

I CAN GET MY FILL. I'M GOING THERE TONIGHT.

ICE COLD $2 BEERS ALL NIGHT LONG.

- WELL, CAN ANYONE GET IN ON THAT DISCOUNT

OR IS IT JUST A GAY THING?

- [chuckles] WHY? YOU WANT TO COME?

- I DO.

NO, I WANT TO SEE THE BEAR WORLD.

- YOU JUST GONNA GO OFF TO BEAR WORLD AND LEAVE ME?

- WELL, COME WITH US. IT'LL BE AN ADVENTURE.

- OH, YOU WILL BE VERY POPULAR.

DOES THAT MAKE YOU UNCOMFORTABLE?

- NO, YES, I DON'T KNOW.

- OH, COME ON, PAUL. IT'LL BE FUN.

- $2 BEERS? AS MANY AS I WANT?

- WELL, THAT'S HOW IT STARTS, PAUL.

COME FOR THE BEER, YOU STAY FOR THE QUEER.

SEE YOU AT MY PLACE.

WE'LL WALK OVER, SAY, 8:00.

SOUNDS GOOD? CATHY, PAUL.

- CAN'T WAIT... MOLE MATE.

OH!

WHAT SHOULD I WEAR? - WHO CARES?

NOBODY WILL BE LOOKING AT YOU.

BUT YOU, GO FLANNEL.

- MOLE MATE? - YEAH.

IT'S A LITTLE JOKE WE HAVE.

[knock on door]

WOW.

PAUL AND I ARE GOING TO A BEAR BAR.

I BET YOU DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THAT IS.

- I DON'T KNOW WHY YOU THINK IT WOULD BE FUN

TO GO HANG OUT WITH A BUNCH OF HAIRY GAY GUYS,

BUT WHATEVER FLOATS YOUR BOAT, MRS. J.

- THAT IS A--IT'S A VERY INTERESTING HAIRSTYLE.

IT'S--IT'S-- WELL, IT'S VERY SYMMETRICAL.

- YOU LIKE IT? IT'S BALLED "BAT-SHIT CRAZY."

KIDDING.

OKAY, I'M GOING OUT WITH MYK TONIGHT

AND I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHICH ONE WORKS BETTER.

OKAY, SWEET AND SCHOOLGIRL...

OR STRAIGHT UP HOOCHIE MAMA?

WHICH DO YOU LIKE?

- [chuckles] THAT'S A TOUGH CALL.

NO, I THINK IT'S ALWAYS BEST TO START WITH SWEET

AND SAVE HOOCHIE FOR DESSERT.

- OKAY, IS IT "HOOCHIE" OR IS IT JUST "FUN"?

- WHAT'S THIS ALL ABOUT?

- [sighs]

I JUST CAN'T DECIDE WHO TO BE.

- BE YOURSELF.

- I DON'T KNOW WHO THAT IS!

AND I DON'T KNOW IF I'LL GET, LIKE, REALLY NERVOUS

AND HE'LL MY HANDS SHAKE OR I'LL RUN OUT OF STUFF TO SAY.

- IT'S JUST A DATE.

YOU'RE GONNA HAVE A LOT OF 'EM.

SO REMEMBER, EVERYBODY HAS A STORY,

AND WHEN IN DOUBT, JUST BE INTERESTED IN HIS.

IF IT WORKS, GREAT.

IF IT DOESN'T, SCREW HIM.

- OKAY, "SCREW HIM."

I'LL PLAY THAT AS MY SUBTEXT

AND I JUST MIGHT GET THROUGH THIS.

- WELL, THEN I'D DEFINITELY-- I'D GO WITH THE CURLS.

- DUDE, I PLAYED MY HAND, LIKE, AN HOUR AGO.

PLAY YOUR CARDS ALREADY.

I WANT TO WIN MY FIVE BUCKS BACK.

- ARE YOU TWO GAMBLING?

- NO, MOM, WE'RE PLAYING ONLINE POKER.

IT'S NOT A BIG DEAL.

- DO I NEED TO REMIND YOU THAT YOU ARE GROUNDED

FOR A LOT OF OTHER ILLICIT ACTIVITIES?

YOU WANT TO ADD GAMBLING TO THE LIST?

- OKAY, FINE. OKAY, WE'LL PLAY FOR CHEETOS.

AND WHAT'S UP WITH YOUR HAIR?

ARE YOU GOING IN COSTUME ON YOUR DATE OR SOMETHING?

LET ME GUESS. THE BRIDE OF FRANKENSTEIN.

- OH, ADAM, COME ON.

- YOU KNOW, DON'T BE JEALOUS JUST BECAUSE

I HAVE A LOVE LIFE AND YOU PISSED ALL OVER YOURS.

- JEEZ, I JUST WANT YOU TO PLAY YOUR HAND.

WHY DID YOU START THE GAME IF YOU'RE NOT GONNA FINISH IT?

- YOU STARTED IT. I DON'T EVEN LIKE POKER.

JUST GET TO OF MY ROOM, BUTT-FACE.

- I'M NOT EVEN IN YOUR ROOM.

- WHY'D YOU EVEN HAVE HIM?

WAS THAT A BIG DISCUSSION?

- LOOK AT THESE GUYS.

IT'S LIKE I'VE BEEN CLONED.

IT'S ME TIMES 100.

LOOK, HERE'S ME MAKING OUT WITH MYSELF.

- IT'S A BEAUTIFUL SIGHT.

- MAYBE I SHOULD GROW A BEARD.

- NO, I'VE SEEN THAT BEARD. YOU SHOULDN'T.

- I MEAN, WHO WOULD HAVE GUESSED

WHEN I WOKE UP THIS MORNING THAT I WOULD END UP HERE

AT A BEAR BAR WITH MY WIFE AND HER FRIEND

WITH HIS VERY PARTICULAR AESTHETIC REQUIREMENTS.

- [chuckles]

- LEE...

I MIGHT BE IMAGING THINGS,

BUT IS THAT HUSKY GUY OVER THERE

MAKING EYES AT MY HUSBAND?

- WHERE?

- INCOMING.

- HEY, MAN.

[laughter]

DID YOU SEE THAT?

I'M FUCKING MAN MEAT.

I LOVE THIS PLACE.

- I THINK YOU'VE CREATED A MONSTER.

I'M GONNA GO GET SOME NUTS,

SO TRY AND KEEP IT IN YOUR PANTS.

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT?

YOU ARE A LITTLE BIT HARD TO FIGURE OUT,

BUT YOU'RE FUN.

- HA. - COMPLICATED BUT FUN.

AND I WANT TO THANK YOU FOR BEING CATHY'S CANCER FRIEND.

- [scoffs] - AND HER REGULAR FRIEND TOO.

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

- SICK PEOPLE NEED SICK FRIENDS.

- WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE MAKING LIFE A LITTLE MORE BEARABLE.

NO PUN INTENDED.

- OKAY, SO JUST LOOKING AHEAD...

IS THERE, LIKE, A LADY BEARS' ROOM IN THIS PLACE?

I MEAN, I CAN'T IMAGINE THAT A BAR WITH ALL MEN

IS GONNA HAVE SOMEPLACE I'M GONNA WANT TO REST MY ASS.

- THAT IS A REALLY GOOD QUESTION.

I THINK THAT YOU ARE ON YOUR OWN WITH THAT ONE.

- HUH. - UM...

YOU GUYS ARE GREAT COMPANY,

BUT I WILL NEVER FORGIVE MYSELF

IF I DON'T MEET THAT PANDA BEAR BEFORE I LEAVE.

- YOU GOT GET HIM.

- THAT IS--THAT'S INCREDIBLE.

HE'S GONNA GO HAVE SOME KIND OF SEX WITH THAT GUY.

- YEAH, LOOKS THAT WAY.

- YEAH, BUT WHERE?

DO THEY HAVE A SPECIAL ROOM OR SECTION?

I MEAN, CALL ME ROMANTIC, BUT I'D NEED A BED.

AT LEAST A CLEAN SHEET.

- YEAH, BUT IT'S KIND OF GREAT.

I MEAN, THEY JUST COME HERE AND THEN HOOK UP, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH, AND THEN FUCK ALL THEY LIKE.

- IT'S KIND OF SEXY.

- HEY...

KISS ME.

- GET YOUR OWN BAR.

- DUDE, I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S UP WITH HER.

SHE SAID SHE'S SICK OR SOMETHING.

- REALLY? SO SHE'S NOT COMING DOWN?

- WHO KNOWS WITH HER?

YOU KNOW, SHE KIND OF CHANGES HER MIND A LOT,

SO I'LL TELL HER YOU CAME BY THOUGH.

- ANDREA!

- UH, MYK'S HERE.

- WOW.

- SORRY I'M LATE.

- NO, NO PROBLEM. YOU READY?

- MM-HMM. - OKAY.

- TAKE CARE, MAN.

- I'LL DEAL WITH YOU WHEN I GET HOME.

PREPARE YOURSELF.

- DON'T CHOKE ON A MEATBALL.

- HEY, I BROUGHT SOME JUICE OVER FOR YOUR MOM.

IT'S A BLEND OF 15 EDIBLE WILD GRASSES.

IT'S LIKE THE HEALTHIEST THING YOU COULD EVER DRINK.

- OKAY. - WHAT'S UP?

WHAT'S WRONG? POLLY GOT YOUR PECKER?

- WHAT?

- SOMETHING'S UP. SPILL.

MAYBE I COULD MAKE IT BETTER OR I COULD MAKE IT WORSE,

BUT WE WON'T KNOW UNTIL YOU START TALKING.

- MIA DE-FRIENDED ME.

- WELL, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT, ADAM?

YOU SHIT WHERE YOU LAY.

- THAT'S NOT MAKING ME FEEL BETTER.

- IT'S NOT SUPPOSED TO.

LOOK, IT STINGS NOW, BUT YOU JUST GOT TO TRY

TO LEARN SOMETHING FROM THIS AND DO BETTER WITH THE NEXT GIRL.

- I DON'T WANT THE NEXT GIRL.

I WANT HER BACK.

- WELL, OF COURSE YOU DO,

BECAUSE YOU THINK YOU'LL NEVER FIND SOMEBODY

LIKE HER AGAIN AND YOU RUINED IT.

AND NOW YOU'RE DOOMED TO THINK SHE'S THE ONLY ONE FOR YOU

UNTIL SOMEONE ELSE CONVINCES YOU OTHERWISE

OR YOU JUST LOWER YOUR BAR.

BUT JUST TRY NOT TO CONFUSE HOW GREAT SHE WAS

WITH THE FACT THAT SHE GOT AWAY.

AND--AND DON'T TREAT EVERYONE ELSE LIKE CRAP

TRYING TO MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER.

I CAUGHT THAT "MEATBALL" LINE TO ANDREA.

I'M TALKING ON A PRETTY ADVANCED LEVEL HERE.

AM I HELPING YOU OR AM I HURTING?

- YOU WANT TO PLAY PORTAL 2?

- OH, YES! LET ME PUT THIS AWAY.

- SWEET.

- OKAY, SO A GRIZZLY ADAMS IS A BIG GUY

WHO LIKES BEARS BUT ISN'T A BEAR,

AND A BEAR TRAPPER IS A GUY WHO LIKES BEARS

BUT IS TOO SMALL TO BE A BEAR?

- YOU ARE ALMOST AN HONORARY BEAR

FOR REMEMBERING ALL THAT.

- OKAY, SO WHAT DO YOU CALL A BEAR WHO LIKES WOMEN?

- THAT'D BE A DYKE.

- I'M A DYKE WITH AWESOME NEW FRIENDS!

NEXT ROUND'S ON ME.

OH.

OH, SHIT!

OH, GOD. - JESUS, PAUL.

WHAT'D YOU DO TO YOURSELF? - OH, GOD, HONEY.

I JUST WENT TO WORK. THAT'S ALL I DID.

OH, THIS IS VERY EMBARRASSING NOW.

- EXCUSE ME.

I'VE BEEN WATCHING YOU ALL EVENING.

DO YOU MIND IF I GIVE YOU A HUG?

- OH, KIND SIR, I THINK YOU HAVE THE WRONG IDEA.

THIS LOVELY LADY'S MY WIFE.

NO! OH, GOD!

OH! [back cracks]

IS IT IN?

OH!

- YOU'RE GONNA HAVE BACK PROBLEMS TILL YOU STOP SLUMPING.

OWN YOUR HEIGHT. ENGAGE YOUR CORE.

- THANK YOU.

I'M HEALED!

IT'S A MIRACLE.

- WHAT DO YOU CALL A BEAR WHO CAN DO THAT?

- A CHIROPRACTOR.

- [laughs]

- HEY, MR. SMILEY. WHAT'S UP?

- OH, I THINK MY BACK HAS A BOYFRIEND AND IT'S IN LOVE.

- SO HOW WAS THAT...

WHEREVER YOU WERE WITH WHOEVER THAT WAS?

- OH, LET'S JUST SAY THAT I AM A FAN OF PANDA BEAR.

- THEN WHY'D YOU THROW HIS NUMBER AWAY?

- NOT SOUL MATE MATERIAL.

[chuckles]

- WHAT?

YOU'RE LOOKING AT ME LIKE I HAVE A CHUNK OF FOOD IN MY TEETH.

- OH, NO.

YOUR TEETH ARE VERY NICE AND WHITE AND BIG.

- THANKS.

JUST SO YOU KNOW, I AM THE KIND OF WOMAN

YOU CAN BE STRAIGHT UP WITH AND SAY,

"GET THAT DAMN SPINACH OUT OF YOUR GRILL, GIRL."

UNDERSTAND? - MM-HMM.

- DUDE, I NEED YOU TO TURN YOUR EYES DOWN.

YOU HAVE TO STOP LOOKING AT ME AND SAY SOMETHING.

IT'S FREAKY. - I'M SORRY.

I'M--I'M STARING AT YOU

BECAUSE I COULDN'T BELIEVE ALL THIS--

THE RESTAURANT, THE FOOD,

YOU SITTING THERE EATING YOUR STEAK WERE REAL.

IT'S LIKE A DREAM.

- A--A GOOD DREAM?

- THE BEST.

ANDREA, I HAVE SUCH BIG DREAMS.

I WANT THE BIG JOB.

I WANT THE BIG CAR.

I WANT THE BIG HOUSE.

I WANT EVERYTHING SUPERSIZED.

- THEN YOU ASKED THE RIGHT GIRL OUT TO DINNER.

I HAVE BIG DREAMS TOO.

AFTER I GRADUATE, I'M GOING TO FASHION SCHOOL.

- OH.

- SOMEBODY'S GOT TO MAKE SEXY CLOTHES FOR GIRLS LIKE ME.

I MADE THIS.

- SERIOUSLY? - UH-HUH.

- THAT IS A HOT DRESS.

- THANK YOU.

- [chuckles]

- JESUS. WHAT NOW?

- YOU HAVE SOME DAMN SALAD IN YOUR GRILL, GIRL.

- OH, GOD.

[laughter]

[phone trilling]

- HEY, YOU.

- I JUST WANTED TO TELL YOU TONIGHT WAS REALLY FUN.

THANK YOU.

- YOU'RE WELCOME.

- PAUL IS ALL UP IN HIS MALENESS NOW.

- OH, I HEAR WATER AND AN ECHO.

PLEASE TELL ME THAT YOU'RE NOT ON THE TOILET.

- [laughs] I'M TAKING A BATH.

- OH. [laughs]

- I THOUGHT TODAY WAS A DAY THAT NEEDED

A BATH AT THE END OF IT.

- AND YOU TAKE BATHS. I LOVE THAT.

IT'S A DYING ART.

THE BATH IS MY FAVORITE PLACE TO MEDITATE.

- I'M SURPRISED YOUR PLACE IS BIG ENOUGH TO HAVE A BATH.

- PUT ME ON SPEAKER.

- WHY? - JUST DO ME A FAVOR.

FOR THE NEXT FIVE MINUTES,

TRY NOT TO ASK ANY QUESTIONS.

- OKAY.

[keypad beeps]

- CLOSE YOUR EYES.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- [groans] - OKAY, SORRY.

I WITHDRAW THE QUESTION.

I AM CLOSING...MY EYES.

- BREATHE WITH ME.

ALL RIGHT, JUST FOLLOW MY BREATH.

YOU INHALE...

[breathes in deeply]

YOU EXHALE.

[exhales]

INHALE...

[breathes in deeply]

EXHALE.

[exhales]

IN...

[breathes in deeply]

OUT.

[exhales]

JUST LISTEN TO THE SOUND OF YOUR BREATH AND MINE.

IN...

[breathes in deeply]

OUT.

[exhales]

IN... [breathes in deeply]

- SO, YOU KNOW, ANYWAYS,

I'M SAVING UP FOR A NEW CAR.

DO YOU LIKE CONVERTIBLES?

- HELL YEAH.

I LIKE THE WAY YOU ROLL, MYK.

- I LIKE EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU.

- OOH! A BRAVIA! THAT'S A BIG TV.

- I ONLY LIKE THE BIGGEST AND THE BEST.

- [giggles]

- [breathing heavily]

- IN... [breathes in deeply]

OUT.

[exhales]

- [exhales sharply]

- INHALE... [breathes in deeply]

EXHALE.

[exhales]

STILL BREATHING?

- YES.

- [chuckles]

GOOD NIGHT.

- THANK YOU.

YOU'RE THE BEST.

- I KNOW. [phone beeps]

- [sighs]

- YOU KNOW HE'S A LITTLE LIGHT IN THE LOAFERS, RIGHT?

- OH, JEEZ!

MARLENE!

- TRUST ME, THAT LITTLE PEEP SHOW

WAS MUCH ME EMBARRASSING FOR ME.

- WHAT, YOU CAN'T SHOW UP WHEN I'M HAVING A BOWL OF CEREAL?

WHY ARE YOU IN MY BATH TUB?

- MAYBE MY BUTT'S DIRTY.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT IT.

- ARE YOU HERE TO MAKE ME FEEL GUILTY

BECAUSE I GOT OFF TO A MAN OTHER THAN MY HUSBAND?

- NO WAY.

GET IT WHERE YOU CAN. LIFE'S SHORT.

YOURS MAY BE SHORTER THAN MOST.

- ARE THERE REALLY SUCH THINGS AS SOUL MATES?

- STOP TRYING TO GET ME TO GIVE YOU THE ANSWERS TO THE TEST.

YOU THINK TOO MUCH. - [scoffs]

- YOU'RE CONNECTED TO THIS GUY.

YOU'RE CONNECTED TO YOUR HUSBAND.

YOU'RE CONNECTED TO ME.

WE WERE SOUL MATES.

- AND THEN YOU KILLED YOURSELF.

- DOESN'T MEAN WE'RE NOT STILL CONNECTED.

OH, AND FYI:

AT THE GREAT BIG PARTY IN THE SKY,

YOU CAN JACK OFF 24/7-- NO JUDGMENTS.

- HMM.

I MISS YOU.

- BETTER GET OUT OF THE TUB.

YOU'RE STARTING TO PRUNE UP.

- HMM.

[Still Alright by Adam Merrin]

♪ ♪

- ♪ WHEN EVERYTHING YOU HAVE GOES AWAY ♪

- PAUL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I FEEL SO GREAT.

I FEEL FUCKING SPECTACULAR.

AND I WANT YOU TO FEEL SPECTACULAR TOO.

- I FEEL SPECTACULAR.

- WHAT'S WRONG?

- MY NAIL'S GONE.

THE DRUGS ARE WORKING.

- ♪ NOTHING SEEMS TO WORK OUT RIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE TRYING ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE STILL... ♪

- BEAR HUG.

- ♪ ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪

Captioning by CaptionMax www.captionmax.com

♪ AND YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE STILL ALL RIGHT ♪