Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE BIG C...

- REBECCA TOLD YOU. - YOU SHOULD'VE TOLD ME!

- YOU FUCKED SOMEBODY, SO I FUCKED SOMEBODY, TOO.

- ATTICUS SHERMAN. - NO CHANCE YOU COULD

GET ME INTO THAT CLINICAL TRIAL YOU'RE DOING?

- IT'S ALL FILLED UP.

- HOW DO YOU EXPECT TO BE A DECENT PARENT

WHEN YOU WON'T EVEN PUT ON A GODDAMN PAIR OF PANTS?

- I WANNA BE BETTER. - THEN TAKE THE MEDS, SEAN.

I THINK THIS CANCER MIGHT BE

AFFECTING HIM MORE THAN HE THINKS.

IT WAS DR. SHERMAN'S OFFICE.

HE ADDED A SPOT FOR ME IN THE CLINICAL TRIAL.

[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life]

- ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪

♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪

♪ STEP OUT ♪

♪ OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪

♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪

♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON? ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME WE PLAY ♪

♪ CALLED LIFE ♪

- READY?

ONE, TWO...

- DON'T COUNT. - RIGHT, SORRY.

- READY? - PAUL!

OW! - OH, HONEY, I'M SO SORRY.

I'M JUST KINDA POPPIN' MY INJECTION CHERRY HERE.

I PROMISE I WILL GET BETTER AT THIS.

- I JUST CAN'T BRING MYSELF

TO INTENTIONALLY PUNCTURE MYSELF.

I'D MAKE A CRAPPY HEROIN ADDICT.

- HEY, I WONDER IF THIS STUFF IS GONNA

GIVE YOU THE ABILITY TO LIFT FALLEN TREES,

OR BEND METAL BARS AND STUFF.

- NO, THEY'RE NOT THAT KIND OF STEROIDS, PAUL.

THEY PREVENT SIDE EFFECTS.

WHAT IS THIS?

- JUST A LITTLE PLEASURE TO OFFSET THE PAIN.

- [giggles]

THE BEST OF CHICAGO.

- THE SOUNDTRACK OF OUR LOVE. - THANK YOU.

NOT JUST FOR THE CD.

BUT FOR EVERYTHING YOU'RE DOING.

YOU KNOW, THE SHOTS AND THE SETTING THE APPOINTMENTS

AND JUST ALWAYS LOOKING OUT FOR ME.

- HEY, I'M YOUR CANCIERGE, REMEMBER?

- [laughing]

- MM.

- I KNOW-- I KNOW WE HAVEN'T...

AND I--I JUST HOPE THAT'S OKAY.

- OF COURSE!

- MY BODY'S JUST PRETTY SPENT RIGHT NOW.

- OH, HONEY, DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT THAT.

WE HAVE GOT A FULL PLATE RIGHT NOW.

A FULL PLATE, YOU KNOW?

MELANOMA WITH A SIDE OF STEROIDS?

- YOU SURE? - ABSOLUTELY.

WE GOT THIS CLINICAL TRIAL COMING UP

AND MY WORK'S INSANE.

CATH, WE'RE NOT KIDS ANYMORE.

TRUST ME, I DON'T MISS IT.

- CONTRARY TO POPULAR BELIEF,

OUR COUNTRY IS NOT A DEMOCRACY.

TECHNICALLY, IT'S A REPUBLIC.

[school bell rings] SO I WANT TWO PAGES

FROM EVERYBODY TOMORROW

EXPLAINING THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN THE TWO.

AND I'M ONTO YOUR WIKIPEDIA PLAGIARISM.

SO BE ORIGINAL OR FIND A MORE CLEVER WAY TO CHEAT.

- OKAY, DON'T FREAK OUT.

- ANDREA, TELLING PEOPLE NOT TO FREAK OUT

IS NOT A GREAT WAY TO PUT PEOPLE AT EASE.

WHAT'S GOING ON? - MY PARENTS GOT CALLED

BY OUR CHURCH TO DO MISSIONARY WORK...

IN GHANA.

WE LEAVE NEXT WEEK.

WE'RE GONNA SPREAD THE WORD

LIKE THE FUCKING MOSQUITOES SPREAD MALARIA.

- BUT IT'S YOUR SENIOR YEAR!

- TELL ME ABOUT IT.

NOT ONLY CAN I NOT GRADUATE WITH MY CLASS,

BUT IF I FINISH SCHOOL THERE,

I CAN'T GET IN-STATE TUITION

TO GO TO THE UNIVERSITY OF MINNESOTA.

- IT'S...GOOD TO HEAR YOU HAVE YOUR EYE ON COLLEGE.

- THEY HAVE THIS FASHION PROGRAM I WAS ALL EXCITED ABOUT.

- WHY HAVEN'T I HEARD OF THIS BEFORE?

- MAYBE I WAS JUST TRYING TO KEEP

A LITTLE MYSTERY IN OUR FRIENDSHIP.

- I AM SO SORRY.

I--I WISH THERE WAS SOMETHING I COULD DO.

- IT'S ALL RIGHT.

I HEAR IT'S REALLY EASY TO GET DYSENTERY IN GHANA.

MAYBE I'LL EAT SOME BAD GOAT

AND GET REALLY SKINNY

AND THEN COME BACK AND GET A JOB AS A SUPERMODEL.

- NOW, I HATE THE PINK COLOR IN HERE

AND THE CLOSET IS PACKED

WITH MISGUIDED LATE-NIGHT PURCHASES.

BUT... THE ROOM IS ALL YOURS.

- I APPRECIATE THIS, MRS. JAMISON.

- PLEASE.

THE NICE THING ABOUT CANCER,

IF IT FEELS RIGHT, YOU JUST DO IT.

- I'LL MAKE SURE MY PARENTS BUILD A HUT

MADE OUT OF COW DUNG IN YOUR HONOR.

- I HAD A REALLY NICE CHAT WITH YOUR MOM.

I PROMISED HER I WOULD NOT LET YOU DYE YOUR HAIR BLONDE

AND THAT YOU WOULD KEEP YOUR GRADES UP.

WE'VE GOTTA GET YOU INTO FASHION SCHOOL, YOUNG LADY.

- WHAT DO YOU GOT IN HERE?

SOME OF YOUR FAVORITE ROCKS FROM HOME?

- MR. JAMISON,

HEAVY GIRL HAS HEAVY CLOTHES.

[chuckles] IT'S A JOKE.

I'M COOL WITH JOKES ABOUT MY WEIGHT.

IT'S THE ELEPHANT IN THE ROOM.

THAT'S A JOKE TOO. - NICE ONE.

- I'M GONNA GO GET THE REST OF YOUR STUFF.

- SO, YOU'RE, UM-- SO YOUR PARENTS WERE ASSIGNED

TO SOME SORT OF MISSIONARY POSITION?

MISSIONARY WORK IN GHANA?

WOW, THAT'S A LONG WAY AWAY.

- I BET YOU WEREN'T A BIG FAN OF ME MOVING IN.

- WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

[stutters]

LOOK, THERE MIGHT'VE BEEN A LITTLE BIT OF HESITATION

WHEN IT FIRST CAME UP,

BUT THAT'S ONLY 'CAUSE WE GOT A LOT GOING ON HERE.

YOU KNOW, DOCTOR'S APPOINTMENTS AND STUFF LIKE THAT.

- OR MAYBE YOU DIDN'T WANT ME HERE 'CAUSE I'M BLACK?

- WHAT? THAT'S RIDICULOUS.

WH-WH-WHY WOULD YOU SAY THAT?

- I'M JUST FUCKING WITH YOU, MR. J.

- [exhales]

NICE.

WELL-PLAYED, YOUNG JESTER.

- GOOD MORNING, YIN TO MY YANG.

KETCHUP TO MY MUSTARD.

- HALL TO YOUR OATES.

- NICE. - [giggles]

- THESE ARE FOR YOU.

- OH! - HONEYCRISPS.

THE OLD GUY DOWN THE STREET TOLD ME

I COULD HELP MYSELF TO HIS APPLE TREE.

YOU KNOW, IT'S AMAZING WHAT YOU GET WHEN YOUR FIRST REACTION

TO SOMEONE SAYING "GOOD MORNING,"

ISN'T "FUCK OFF, ASSHOLE."

- SO THE MEDS ARE WORKING?

- THEY ARE.

MAYBE THEY'RE CUTTING THESE NEW BIPOLAR DRUGS

WITH FAIRY DUST OR SOMETHING.

BECAUSE I-- I FEEL FANTASTIC.

IT'S LIKE I HAVE THIS INCREDIBLE ABILITY

TO FOCUS ON EVERYTHING.

BEST OF ALL, IT'S LIKE A FOG HAS BEEN LIFTED

AND I AM REALLY SEEING YOU.

I'M APPRECIATING YOU ON AN ENTIRELY NEW LEVEL.

- SAY MORE.

- I LOVE HOW YOUR HAIR

IS THE PERFECT SHADE OF HONEY BLONDE...

HOW YOUR EYES REFLECT THE LIGHT LIKE A KALEIDOSCOPE...

HOW THE CONTOUR OF YOUR LOWER BACK

IS LIKE A FINELY PAVED EXPRESSWAY TO YOUR ASS.

- WOW!

I WAS LEERY ABOUT WHAT THESE MEDS WOULD DO TO YOU,

BUT IF THIS IS THE RESULT, I LOVE IT.

- MM.

- [soft moaning]

- LET ME--LET ME SEE WHAT ELSE I CAN DISCOVER.

- OH!

OH.

OH!

- SO YOU HAD A CHANCE TO LEAVE THE COUNTRY,

BUT INSTEAD YOU CHOSE TO SERVE TIME

IN JAMISON STATE PRISON?

- AND I'M LOYAL TO THE WARDEN.

SO WATCH YOUR MOUTH UNLESS YOU WANNA

CATCH A SHANK IN THE BACK DURING YARD.

- WHAT IS ALL THIS SHIT?

YOU ROB A SALON OR YOU GONNA OPEN ONE UP?

- THIS IS MY TOILETTE.

- THE TOILET IS DOWN THE HALL,

NEXT TO THE "BATH-TUBE." - NO, DUMB ASS.

TOILETTE IS FRENCH FOR THE THINGS THAT I DO

TO COMPOSE THE VISION OF BEAUTY THAT YOU SEE BEFORE YOU.

- [chuckles]

HEAT-STYLE PROTECTING FOAM?

- OH, YEAH, THAT'S FOR MY HAIR.

LOOK.

IT'S GOT THESE TINY ORGANISMS IN IT THAT REPAIR IT.

IF YOU LOOK CLOSE ENOUGH YOU CAN SEE THEM.

THEY KINDA LOOK LIKE SEA MONKEYS.

[laughing] - OH, YOU SUCK!

YOU'RE DEAD, ASSHOLE!

- [giggles]

- OH, NICE TO SEE YOU WITH A SMILE ON YOUR FACE.

- I JUST LOVE SEEING ADAM AND ANDREA GET ALONG SO WELL.

THANK YOU FOR AGREEING TO LET HER MOVE IN.

- OH, COME ON, HOW COULD I NOT?

YOU MADE SUCH A COMPELLING ARGUMENT.

WHAT WAS IT AGAIN? OH, YEAH.

"WE'RE DOING THIS!" - IT'S GOOD FOR ADAM

TO HAVE ANOTHER KID IN THE HOUSE.

ESPECIALLY WITH ALL THIS CLINICAL TRIAL STUFF GOING ON.

HE'LL HAVE SOMEONE TO HANG OUT WITH,

SOMEONE TO TALK TO.

- WELL, I HOPE ANDREA LIKES TALKING ABOUT FARTS.

HERE, TRY THIS.

THIS IS BROCCOLI, GARLIC, OLIVE OIL, AND TURMERIC.

A SUPERFOOD PERFECT STORM FOR HEALTH.

- NEEDS MORE CHOCOLATE.

- MM.

- YOUR SKIN IS SO SMOOTH.

IT'S LIKE SOFT-SERVE ICE CREAM.

I JUST WANNA COVER IT IN SPRINKLES

AND PUT MY FACE IN IT.

- COMPLIMENTS AFTER SEX?

I AM TEMPTED TO DOUBLE YOUR MEDS

AND CARRY YOU AROUND IN MY PURSE.

- GOD, YOU HAVE PERFECT BREASTS.

THEY'RE POUTY, YET PERT.

AND DELIGHTFUL LITTLE RASPBERRY NIPPLES.

OH, LOOK. CHECK IT OUT.

YOU HAVE HAIRS ON YOUR NIPPLE.

- NO, I DON'T. - DON'T GET SENSITIVE.

I LOVE YOUR "HAIRY-OLA." - THAT'S NOT FUNNY, SEAN.

IT'S THE GOD DAMN PREGNANCY HORMONES.

THEY'RE TURNING ME INTO A FUCKING SASQUATCH.

- OH, IT'S JUST A COUPLE OF LITTLE HAIRS.

IT'S CUTE. IT'S NOT AT ALL SASQUATCH-Y.

- I SHOULD'VE KNOWN THAT THERE WOULD BE A DOWNSIDE

TO YOUR DRUG-INDUCED MICRO-VISION.

THAT THIS FAWNING AND ATTENTION

WOULD COME BACK AND BITE ME IN THE ASS.

- WHERE YOU HAVE VERY CUTE DIMPLES, BY THE WAY.

- OKAY, I GET IT, SEAN. I'M QUASI-FUCKING-MODO.

THANKS SO MUCH. - WHAT? WAIT!

REBECCA! [door slams]

[sighs] JESUS.

[Uso Brothers' WWE Theme Get Up]

- ♪ IF YOU LIKIN' HOW THE BEAT BANG YOU SHOULD GET UP ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKIN' HOW THE BEAT BANG, HEY ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKIN' HOW THE BEAT BANG, HEY ♪

♪ UH, YEAH, UH ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKIN' HOW THE BEAT BANG ♪

♪ YOU SHOULD GET UP ♪

♪ YOU CAN BUMP IT IN YOUR WHIP OR IF YOU UP IN THE CLUB ♪

♪ IF YOU STUNTIN' BY THE BAR THEN POP A BOTTLE OF BUB ♪

♪ AND GET UP, GET UP, GET UP, HEY ♪

♪ AND ALL MY PEOPLE PUT YOUR Bs UP WE LIVIN' IT UP ♪

♪ SPENDING MONEY LIKE ITS NOTHING WE AIN'T GIVING A WHAT ♪

♪ IF YOU STUNTIN' BY THE BAR THEN POP A BOTTLE OF BUB ♪

♪ AND GET UP, GET UP, GET UP, HEY ♪

- ♪ STEP IN THE CLUB AND EVERYBODY PUT THEIR HANDS UP ♪

♪ I'M CROSSING OVER ♪

- WHAT THE FUCK? - ♪ LIKE IVERSON THE ANSWER ♪

♪ TALKING ON THE STREETS LIKE HOW REAL IS TRUTH ♪

♪ WELL, I'M GUESSING HALF A MILL FOR THE DEAL IS PROBABLY PROOF ♪

♪ AND WE BE ON ROOF IN THE LEER JETS AND COUPES ♪

♪ AND YOUNG BIG READY TO DIE SCREAMING "GIMME THE LOOT" ♪

♪ THEY ASK ME, "TRUTHY, HOW YOU GET ALL YOUR CHEESE?" ♪

♪ I SPENT DOUBLE Y'ALL SALARIES ON LAWYER FEES ♪

♪ I GOT SECURITY, I'M MATURING, B ♪

♪ I'M TRYIN' TO HAVE STOCKS COME INTO MATURITY ♪

♪ NOW GET UP ♪

♪ IF YOU LIKIN' HOW THE BEAT BANG YOU SHOULD GET UP ♪

♪ YOU CAN BUMP IT IN YOUR WHIP OR IF YOU UP IN THE CLUB ♪

♪ IF YOU STUNTIN BY THE BAR THEN POP A BOTTLE OF BUB ♪

♪ AND GET UP, GET UP, GET UP, HEY ♪

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- I'M TAKING A BATH. - WELL, GET OUT!

GET OUT. GET OUT OF HERE!

- OH, HELL NO!

- NO. NO, NO, NO, THAT'S NOT--

WHO I WAS-- NO, NO, NO, THAT'S NOT--

THAT'S NOT WHO I WAS-- OH, SHIT.

- WHAT'S GOING ON?

I HEARD SCREAMING.

- ANDREA HAS... SAW ME MASTURBATING.

- WHAT?

- I DIDN'T KNOW SHE WAS LURKING THE BATHROOM.

FOR A BIG GIRL, SHE'S STEALTHY AS A FUCKING PUMA.

- JESUS! PAUL!

WE INVITE A TEENAGE GIRL INTO OUR HOME

AND WITHIN 24 HOURS,

YOU'RE PLEASURING YOURSELF IN FRONT OF HER?

- SHE WALKED IN ON ME!

I TOLD YOU IT WAS A BAD IDEA TO HAVE HER MOVE IN HERE.

- HEY, WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY DID YOU TELL ME LAST NIGHT THEN

THAT SEX WASN'T IMPORTANT TO YOU?

THAT YOU WEREN'T MISSING IT?

AND NOW HERE YOU ARE, 24 HOURS LATER,

YOU'RE BEATING OFF TO A CATALOGUE!

- I'M SORRY, CATHY. I LIED.

I MISS SEX.

OKAY, AND I'M WORKING REALLY HARD HERE

TO TAKE CARE OF YOU.

AND I DO NOT WANNA BE THE GUY WHO FORCES HIMSELF

ON HIS WIFE WHILE SHE'S UNDERGOING CANCER TREATMENT.

- DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW MUCH I HATE BEING THE PATIENT?

I WANT TO FEEL LIKE HAVING SEX.

MY BODY WILL NOT LET ME.

- WELL, THAT'S FUNNY, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU DID WANNA HAVE SEX,

YOU'RE HAVING SEX WITH SOMEBODY ELSE.

- OH, THAT'S WHAT THIS IS ABOUT.

- SEX IN THE BACKYARD, SEX IN THE BAHAMAS,

SEX GOD-KNOWS-WHERE-ELSE WITH THAT GUY.

LENNY GOT THE BEST OF YOU.

- WE BOTH HAD AFFAIRS, PAUL!

WE CAN'T UNDO ANY OF IT.

I WISH I HAD A TIME MACHINE.

BECAUSE I WOULDN'T GO BACK TWO MONTHS,

I'D GO BACK 20 YEARS AND SLATHER ON MORE SUN BLOCK.

WHAT'S DONE IS DONE.

SO WE CAN EITHER--WE CAN KEEP FIGHTING ABOUT THIS

OR WE CAN FIGURE OUT A WAY TO MOVE ON.

- WELL, HOW DO YOU PROPOSE WE DO THAT?

- LET'S HAVE SEX RIGHT NOW.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING? - I'M MOVING ON.

WE'RE GONNA CLEANSE THE PALATE OF OUR AFFAIRS.

COME ON, PAUL. COME ON, DO ME.

COME ON, IT'S GONNA BE GREAT.

- THIS ISN'T SEXY. IT'S AGGRESSIVE AND WEIRD.

- GREAT. I'M GONNA GO MAKE A SANDWICH.

[door closes]

[phone beeps]

- OH, YAY. MY DAD GOT TICKETS

TO THE JAMES TAYLOR CONCERT.

[scoffs] I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHO THAT IS.

"YOU'RE THE BEST, DAD."

ASS CLOWN.

[scoffs, chuckles]

HEY.

HEY, YOU THERE?

- YEAH.

- ALL THIS STUFF WITH YOUR MOM...

SUCKS.

- KINDA IS WHAT IT IS, YOU KNOW?

- [giggles]

DID YOU JUST USE MY SYMPATHY ABOUT YOUR MOM

TO MAKE A MOVE ON ME?

- [chuckles] I THOUGHT I HAD A SHOT.

- [giggles]

I LIKE YOU, ADAM.

- I LIKE YOU, TOO.

- ALL RIGHT...

I'VE RUSHED INTO DOING IT BEFORE

AND IT'S KINDA RUINED STUFF.

I DON'T WANT THAT TO HAPPEN WITH US.

IS THAT COOL?

- YEAH.

YEAH, TOTALLY.

[knocking on door]

- ANDREA, CAN I COME IN?

I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT EARLIER...

UH, WITH PAUL.

HE WAS...

I DON'T THINK THIS IS SOMETHING--

- YOU KNOW, MRS. JAMISON,

WAS IT WEIRD AND AWKWARD FOR ME TO WALK IN

ON YOUR HUSBAND BURPING HIS BABY?

DEFINITELY.

BUT I GREW UP WITH THREE BROTHERS

AND THOSE FOOLS ALWAYS HAVE THEIR HANDS IN THEIR JUNK.

SO IT'S NOTHING I HAVEN'T SEEN BEFORE.

- I--I WANT YOU TO FEEL SAFE HERE.

LIKE THIS CAN BE A HOME TO YOU.

I WANTED THIS TO BE A MORE SEAMLESS TRANSITION,

BUT...SO MUCH FOR THAT.

- YOU AIN'T KIDDING. I'VE BEEN HERE FOR HALF A DAY

AND I'VE ALREADY SEEN YOUR HUSBAND'S PENIS

AND I FOUND A SYRINGE IN THE BATHROOM.

- THE SYRINGE!

THE SYRINGE IS FOR THE CLINICAL TRIAL

FOR MY STEROID INJECTIONS. NO, NO.

NO, I HATE THEM.

- OH.

MY GRANNY HATED HER INSULIN SHOTS, TOO.

SHE USED TO GIVE ME A DOLLAR IF I COULD

GIVE THEM TO HER WITHOUT HER FEELING IT.

AND I TOOK A LOT OF MONEY OFF THAT OLD LADY.

I COULD DO YOURS FOR YOU TOO.

- ANDREA, YOU'RE MY STUDENT AND MY HOUSEGUEST,

NOT MY NURSE.

- DOES ALL THIS CANCER STUFF SCARE YOU?

- SCARED SHITLESS.

SCARED OF BEING IN THIS CLINICAL TRIAL,

SCARED OF THE SIDE EFFECTS.

SCARED IT WON'T WORK AND IF IT DOESN'T, THEN WHAT?

I MEAN, WHAT IF THERE ISN'T ANOTHER OPTION FOR ME?

SO YEAH.

IT'S A WHOLE WORLD OF SCARED.

- WELL, I FOR ONE THINK YOU'RE A PRETTY BRAVE BITCH.

- [chuckles]

- IT'S A SEX SHOP, WHAT DID YOU EXPECT?

- I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE APPEAL

OF SOMETHING LIKE THIS IS.

- I DATED A GUY WHO WAS INTO S&M

AND HIS SAFE WORD WAS "MORE."

IT WAS VERY CONFUSING.

MEDICAL SCIENCE NEEDS TO COME UP WITH A BABY BJORN-TYPE ITEM

THAT ALLOWS YOU TO WEAR YOUR FETUS

ON THE OUTSIDE OF YOUR BODY.

THAT WAY YOU COULD WALK AROUND WITH IT ALL DAY

AND UNDOCK WHEN YOU WANNA PUT ON A SEXY DRESS

OR SPEND HALF AN HOUR ON A SPIN BIKE.

- I FELT SEXY WHEN I WAS PREGNANT.

- WOMEN SAY THAT.

BUT SO FAR, I'VE ALREADY GAINED SIX POUNDS

AND IT'S ALL RIGHT HERE.

- I THINK YOU LOOK GREAT, REBECCA.

- SEAN IS MAKING ME REAL SELF-CONSCIOUS.

HE'S ALL LEVEL AND FOCUSED NOW.

BUT UNFORTUNATELY, WHAT HE'S FOCUSED ON

IS EVERY ONE OF MY FLAWS.

I'VE ALWAYS COUNTED ON MY ROCK-HARD ABS AND ASS

AND NOW THEY'RE GONE,

SO I'M RESORTING TO A LITTLE SLEIGHT OF HAND.

THE LAST THING I WANT IS TO BECOME

ONE OF THOSE WOMEN WHO THINK IT'S OKAY

TO START WEARING TANKINIS AND WIDE-BOTTOM BRIEFS.

- YOU LIKE HIM.

YOU CARE WHAT HE THINKS!

- STOP IT! - YOU LIKE YOUR BABY DADDY.

- HOW OFTEN DO YOU AND PAUL DO IT?

- HONESTLY, WE HAVEN'T HAD SEX IN ABOUT TWO MONTHS.

- JESUS, YOU'RE NOT DEAD YET.

YOU HAVE TO DO SOMETHING TO JUMPSTART YOUR SEX LIFE.

MIX IT UP.

OTHERWISE, YOU AND PAUL ARE GONNA END UP

SITTING AROUND LIKE A COUPLE OF OLD EUNUCHS,

EATING GRAPE-NUTS AND SHAVING EACH OTHER'S CALLUSES.

- ♪ TAKE ME AWAY ♪ - ♪ TAKE ME AWAY ♪

- ♪ TAKE ME AWAY ♪ - ♪ TAKE ME AWAY ♪

- ♪ TAKE ME AWAY ♪ - ♪ TAKE ME AWAY ♪

[bell rings]

- I LOVE IT. I'M DIGGING THE TEENAGE RAGE.

I'M EMILY.

- I'M ADAM. - I KNOW.

YOU'RE KIND OF THE "IT GUY" AROUND SCHOOL RIGHT NOW.

YOU KNOW, 'CAUSE OF YOUR MOM.

- YEAH. YEAH, I KNOW.

THE CANCER KID. - I WAS THAT KID FOR A WHILE.

MY MOM HAD A BOOB TAKEN OFF LAST CHRISTMAS.

- HOW LONG DID THE STIGMA LAST?

- UNTIL YOU BECOME KNOWN FOR SOMETHING ELSE.

[Girls Love Shoes' Flaunt]

- ♪ DON'T YOU DON'T YOU WANNA WANNA ♪

♪ DON'T YOU ♪ DON'T YOU WANNA WANNA ♪

♪ DON'T YOU ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WANNA SEE ME FLAUNT WHAT I GOT? ♪

♪ DON'T YOU, DON'T YOU WANNA WANNA ♪

♪ DON'T YOU, DON'T YOU WANNA WANNA ♪

♪ DON'T YOU ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WANNA SEE ME FLAUNT WHAT I GOT? ♪

- I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

- AND I HAVE A SURPRISE FOR YOU.

I'M MAKING HOMEMADE TOILET PAPER.

WITH SAWDUST LEFTOVER FROM OUR TREE,

SOME COTTON FIBERS,

A BIT OF YOUR FANCY LOTION.

TRUST ME, OUR ASSES HAVE NEVER HAD IT SO GOOD.

- HI, DADDY.

- ♪ DON'T YOU, DON'T YOU WANNA SEE ME ♪

♪ FLAUNT WHAT I GOT? ♪ - [chuckles]

- WHAT?

- [laughing] I'M SORRY, SORRY.

I JUST--I NEVER GOT THE WHOLE

CATHOLIC SCHOOLGIRL FANTASY.

MAYBE THAT'S 'CAUSE OF THE REAL TRAGEDY

THAT'S BEING PERPETRATED ON CATHOLIC SCHOOL BOYS.

- FUCK YOU, SEAN!

I'M TRYING TO BE SEXY FOR YOU.

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO TRY TO BE SEXY, YOU JUST ARE.

- OH, YEAH, RIGHT.

LIKE MY FUCKING "HAIRY-OLA"

AND INVITING DIMPLES ON MY ASS.

- YES, AND YOUR CHEST FRECKLES,

AND YOUR ROOTS, WHEN THEY START TO SHOW A LITTLE BIT,

AND THE EXTRA WEIGHT YOU'RE GAINING RIGHT THERE.

- COULD YOU JUST STOP?

I'M REALLY HORMONAL AND EMOTIONAL

AND YOU'VE GOTTA STOP CRITICIZING ME.

- OKAY.

OKAY, COME HERE.

- I-- - NO, COME HERE.

- WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M GETTING COMFORTABLE WITH YOU.

I'M SORT OF LEVELING THE PLAYING FIELD.

THIS... [groans]

- EW. - IS DALE.

MY WEIRD INGROWN TOENAIL THAT GROWS IN TWO DIRECTIONS.

IT'S INFECTED MOST OF THE TIME.

IN CASE YOU'RE WONDERING,

HE IS WHY I ALWAYS HAVE SEX WITH MY SOCKS ON.

OH, I HAVE A MOLE IN THE SHAPE OF JESUS.

RIGHT NEXT TO MY BUTTHOLE. - OH!

- YEAH, I FIGURED YOU'RE GONNA SEE IT EVENTUALLY,

SO IT MIGHT AS WELL NOT COME AS A SURPRISE.

A COUPLE OF OTHER THINGS.

I HAVE A VESTIGIAL NIPPLE UNDER MY ARM.

OH, AND WHEN I TOLD YOU I DIDN'T LIKE CAULIFLOWER, I LIED.

I LOVE IT. I JUST DON'T EAT IT

'CAUSE IT GIVES ME UNCONTROLLABLE FLATULENCE.

SO, IF NONE OF THOSE THINGS ARE DEAL BREAKERS,

THEN THERE IS NOTHING YOU GOT GOING ON

THAT COULD MAKE ME ANY LESS NUTS ABOUT YOU.

- YOU'RE NUTS ABOUT ME?

- TOTALLY.

- [giggles]

- YOU BETTER?

- I'M BETTER.

- MM. MM.

- BUT YOU GOTTA RETAPE DALE,

OTHERWISE HE'S GONNA MAKE ME THROW-UP.

- I KNOW YOU'RE MAD AT ME

BUT IT'S TIME FOR YOUR STEROID SHOT

AND YOU CAN RESUME BEING MAD AT ME AFTERWARDS.

- I WANNA DO MY SHOTS MYSELF.

- STOP IT. I WILL DO IT.

YOU CAN'T DO IT.

YOU SAID YOURSELF YOU CAN'T DO IT.

I'M NOT GONNA HURT YOU, I'VE BEEN PRACTICING ON ORANGES.

- LISTEN TO ME.

I NEED YOU TO SEE ME AS YOUR WIFE,

AS YOUR SEXUAL PARTNER.

AND I NEED THAT.

WE NEED THAT.

SO FROM NOW ON, I DO MY OWN SHOTS.

AND...I KNOW, THERE ARE GONNA BE TIMES

WHEN I DON'T FEEL UP TO HAVING SEX,

BUT I ALSO KNOW THAT YOU HAVE NEEDS.

SO...

IT'S A SLEEVE...

FOR YOUR PENIS.

IT--IT SIMULATES A VAGINA,

YOU KNOW, WHEN THE REAL ONE ISN'T AVAILABLE.

AND IT COMES WITH INSERTS.

THERE'S-- THERE'S AN ANUS

AND THERE'S ONE CALLED "STEALTH,"

WHICH YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL ME ABOUT.

WANNA TRY IT?

- RIGHT--RIGHT NOW?

AND...WITH YOU WATCHING?

I DON'T KNOW IF I HAVE THE ABILITY TO DO THAT, HONEY.

- OH, I THINK IT COULD BE SEXY.

- REALLY?

- COME HERE, LET ME PAINT YOU A PICTURE,

CREATE A FANTASY.

CLOSE YOUR EYES.

WHERE DO YOU WANNA BE?

IN A LITTLE STREET CAFE IN PARIS PERHAPS?

- NO, NOT PARIS, TOO FRENCH.

HOW ABOUT BRUGES? I SAW THAT IN A MOVIE.

- YOU'RE IN A LITTLE STREET CAFE IN BRUGES

AND I'M A LITTLE TIPSY, 'CAUSE WE'RE--

WE'RE DEEP INTO OUR SECOND BOTTLE OF WINE.

- THIRD BOTTLE.

MAYBE YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE SLOPPY, I THINK.

- YEAH, I AM. - YEAH.

- AND YOU'RE MAKING ME LAUGH. - REALLY?

- YOU'RE MAKING ME LAUGH SO HARD.

I'M GETTING SO TURNED ON.

- REALLY? - AND I'M WEARING A SKIRT--

A REALLY SHORT SKIRT.

I'M KINDA SPILLING OUT OF MY TOP

AND YOU'RE REFILLING MY GLASS OF WINE AND--

AND I HAND YOU SOMETHING.

- WHAT IS IT?

- MY UNDERWEAR.

- JESUS, WHEN DID THOSE COME OFF?

- I WANT YOU, PAUL. I WANT YOU SO BAD.

I WANT YOU RIGHT NOW. - OH, GOD.

- I WANT YOU TO TAKE ME INTO THE LADIES' ROOM

AND FUCK ME. - UP AGAINST THE WALL.

I'M GONNA FUCK YOU. - YEAH.

THAT'S IT. I LOVE THAT.

OH, MAKE IT ROUGH.

- HOLY SHIT. - SCREW THE SLEEVE.

DO ME. - FOR REAL?

OR ARE WE STILL IN BRUGES? - OH.

- MM.

OH, I'M GONNA FUCK YOU.

OH! - AH!

[both grunting and panting]

AH!

- JEEZ. OH, GOD.

AH!

OH, HONEY! OH! - SHH, SHH, SHH.

- SHH, SHH, SHH, SHH.

[heavy breathing, panting]

- OH!

- OH, GOD. - AH.

OH, WOW. - YEAH.

OH, THAT SLEEVE. IT'S AWESOME.

- ANDREA.

I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED EARLIER.

- MRS. JAMISON AND I ALREADY TALKED ABOUT IT

AND IT'S PROBABLY BEST TO JUST LEAVE IT AT THAT.

- YEAH, BUT HERE'S THE PROBLEM.

CATHY FELT VERY STRONGLY THAT IN THE SPIRIT OF HONESTY

I CALL YOUR PARENTS AND TELL THEM WHAT HAPPENED.

- WHAT? YOU DON'T NEED TO DO THAT.

- WELL, I DID. AND BELIEVE ME, I WISH I DIDN'T,

'CAUSE YOUR MOTHER AND FATHER WERE NOT HAPPY.

- OH, SHIT. - THEY'VE CHANGED THEIR MINDS

ABOUT LETTING YOU STAY HERE.

THEY WANT YOU TO GO TO GHANA, I'M SORRY.

- WHAT?

BUT IT WAS AN ACCIDENT!

CAN'T WE JUST-- - I TOLD THEM THAT I WOULD

PUT YOU ON A PLANE... TOMORROW...

NON-STOP, MINNEAPOLIS TO...

♪ GULLIBLE TOWN ♪

[laughing]

- OH, YOU'RE GOOD.

YOU GOT ME.

- PSYCH. - GOOD ONE.

- [blows finger] - THAT'S SOME MEAN SHIT, MR. J.

- DON'T MESS.

- FIRST ONE'S FREE.

- HEH.

[Miss Cindy by The High Decibels]

♪ ♪

- ♪ B-Y-T ♪

♪ LOOKING LIKE YOU CHOOSES ♪

♪ NICE LITTLE MINI SKIRT ♪

♪ AND SHOOT GAME FOOLISH ♪

♪ TOUGH EXTERIOR ♪

♪ CAN SEE RIGHT THROUGH IT ♪

♪ I GO BY DUKE AND IT'S A PLEASURE TO MEET YOU ♪

♪ YOU DIGGING WHAT I GOT 'CAUSE I GAVE YOU A PREVIEW ♪

♪ YOU NOT ON MY LEVEL, I COULD MAKE YOU MY H ♪

♪ YOU SAY I'M WILLING TO LEARN ♪

♪ WELL I'M ABLE TO TEACH YOU ♪

♪ SO CAN I GET THE NUMBER ♪

♪ WHERE I'M ABLE TO REACH YOU? ♪

♪ MISS CINDY ♪