Original subtitles

[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life]

- ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪

♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪

♪ STEP OUT ♪

♪ OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪

♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪

♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME WE PLAY ♪

♪ CALLED LIFE? ♪

- IT'S A WEDDING CAKE. - YEP.

IT'S MY BIRTHDAY.

AND INSTEAD OF WAITING TO SEE

IF ANYONE REMEMBERS TO GET ME A CAKE,

I THOUGHT I'D GET ONE FOR MYSELF.

YOU KN WHAT MY FAVORITE KIND OF CAKE IS?

- WEDDING CAKE. - WELL...

IT'S WHITE CAKE WITH BUTTERCREAM FROSTING.

BUT FOR SOME REASON,

IT ALWAYS TASTES BEST AS A WEDDING CAKE.

I'M TRYING NOT TO WORRY ABOUT THE FACT

THAT SAMANTHA AND JOHN NEVER PICKED IT UP.

HERE.

- SO WHAT ARE YOU GONNA DO TO CELEBRATE...

BESIDES EAT 40 POUNDS OF CAKE?

- I DON'T KNOW.

THIS COULD BE MY LAST BIRTHDAY.

THE ANXIETY OF TRYING TO DECIDE WHAT TO DO IS...

- KILLING YOU?

- WHAT'S IT FEEL LIKE TO BE OLD, MARLENE?

- FEELS LIKE I'M WEARING MY SKIN LIKE A SWEATER.

[door opens]

- I GOT THE PAINT FOR THE BACK DOOR, MARLENE.

WHY ARE YOU EATING WEDDING CAKE?

- 'CAUSE EITHER JOHN OR SAMANTHA GOT COLD FEET.

- OH.

ADAM, WHEN YOU PAINT THE DOOR,

MAKE SURE THAT YOU PUT TAPE ON THE GLASS,

OR YOU'LL GET PAINT ON IT. - REALLY, MOM?

'CAUSE I WAS JUST GONNA PAINT RIGHT OVER THE WINDOWS.

- AND MAKE SURE THAT YOU DON'T GET

TOO MUCH PAINT ON THE BRUSH, OR IT'LL DRIP DOWN THE DOOR

AND LOOK GOOPY.

- MAYBE YOU SHOULD JUST DO IT.

- IS HE A GOOD KID, MARLENE?

I JUST WANT HIM TO BE A GOOD KID.

- HE'S FINE.

YOU'RE THE PAIN IN THE ASS.

- HEY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU. [chuckles]

I LOVE YOUR DRESS.

- THANK YOU. - OH...

FOR YOU.

I SAW THIS COLOR AND THOUGHT OF YOU.

- OH, IT'S--IT'S PERFECT.

EVER SINCE THE BEGINNING OF THE SUMMER,

I'VE JUST--I'VE BEEN SEEING COLORS MORE BRIGHTLY.

IT'S-- EVEN WHEN I'M SAD, IT'S...

IT'S LIKE EVERYTHING'S JUST MORE VIBRANT.

- DO NOT BE SAD TODAY, 'CAUSE TODAY IS YOUR BIRTHDAY.

- I'M NOT SAD NOW.

- [chuckling] MMM.

SO, LISTEN, I-I-I'VE DECIDED TO GO TO THE BAHAMAS

TO A FRIEND'S ART OPENING.

THERE'S A FLIGHT OUT TONIGHT,

SO I WOULD LOVE TO SPEND THE DAY WITH YOU.

- HOW EXOTIC.

GOING TO THE BAHAMAS FOR AN ART OPENING.

- YEAH, JUST FOR THE WEEKEND.

- I WANT TO GO.

- WHA--REALLY? - YEAH.

- REALLY? - FOR MY BIRTHDAY,

THAT'S WHAT I WANT TO DO.

- OH. - YEAH.

JUST--I HAVEN'T TRAVELED ENOUGH IN MY 43 YEARS.

I'M ALWAYS TALKING ABOUT VACATIONS I NEVER TAKE.

I SHOP FOR BATHING SUITS I NEVER BUY.

WILL YOU TAKE ME WITH YOU?

- OF COUR--COME ON.

- OH. - YES! ALL RIGHT.

I'LL PICK YOU UP IN, WHAT, A COUPLE OF HOURS?

WE'LL GET SOMETHING TO EAT.

PACK LIGHT.

YOU...

YOU...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY.

IT SUITS YOU. I LIKE IT.

[door closes]

[car door closes]

all: SURPRISE!

[party horns blowing]

- [laughing] ARE YOU OKAY?

- OH, YEAH.

YEAH.

YOU GOT ME. [laughs]

LOOK AT ME. I'M 43.

[laughter]

WOW--WOW.

WELL, THIS IS SO NICE TO SEE...

EVERYBODY.

OH, SUSAN, BILL...

OH, MARLENE...

EVERYBODY HERE IN MY HOUSE.

THIS IS-- OH, THIS IS GREAT.

THIS IS--THIS IS...

WOW, THIS IS-- THIS IS JUST GREAT.

THANK YOU.

- AND I WANT TO SAY THANK YOU TOO.

THANK YOU, CATHY, FOR BEING BORN.

SINCE HER BIRTHDAY IS IN JULY,

SHE'S A CANCER--A CRAB.

AND CATHY CAN BE A LITTLE CRABBY AT TIMES,

ESPECIALLY IN THE MORNING AND WHENEVER I CHEW MY FOOD.

BUT UNDERNEATH THAT SOMETIMES-HARD EXTERIOR SHELL,

THERE'S A SOFT, WARM, INCREDIBLE PERSON

WHOM THIS BIG TAURUS BULL

HAS BEEN LUCKY TO LOVE AND WILL CONTINUE TO

FOR THE REST OF OUR LONG LIVES.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MY LITTLE CANCER.

[overlapping chatter and applause]

- WELL, AIN'T THAT A KICK IN THE HEAD.

- IS THIS OKAY?

I KNOW WE HAVEN'T BEEN DOING A WHOLE LOT OF PARTYING RECENTLY,

AND I'M NOT SAYING IT'S GONNA FIX EVERYTHING,

BUT I COULDN'T IGNORE YOUR BIRTHDAY.

AND WHO DOESN'T LOVE A SURPRISE PARTY, RIGHT?

MAYBE YOU.

BUT WE DON'T KNOW TILL YOU GET ONE.

- AH, IT'S-- IT'S VERY THOUGHTFUL, PAUL.

- UM, YOU'RE OUT OF TOILET PAPER IN THE BATHROOM.

DO YOU HAVE ANY NAPKINS I COULD USE?

- OH--OH, MY GOD.

I CANNOT BELIEVE I AM SEEING YOU.

OH, MY...

[both laughing]

PAUL, YOU REMEMBER I TOLD YOU HOW REBECCA AND I,

WHEN WE WERE COLLEGE ROOMMATES, WE'D--

INSTEAD OF BUYING TOILET PAPER, WE'D--

WE'D GO TO THE ICE CREAM STORE BELOW OUR APARTMENT

AND STEAL THE NAPKINS.

- THAT'S A ROUGH WAY TO WIPE.

- [laughing] YEAH.

- OH, IT'S-- IT'S BEEN FOREVER.

ARE YOU STILL IN CHICAGO?

- I'M STILL IN CHICAGO. - WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- WHAT DO YOU MEAN WHAT'S SHE DOING HERE?

SHE'S YOUR BIRTHDAY PRESENT.

I-I-I WAS THINKING ABOUT HOW MUCH I'D GOTTEN

OUT OF THE HOURS I SPENT TALKING TO ANGELA--

MY THERAPIST-- - AH.

- AND IT MADE ME THINK ABOUT THE HOURS

THAT YOU TWO USED TO SPEND GABBING AWAY.

SO GAB AWAY, LADIES!

HAPPBIRTHDAY.

- WOW.

IT IS GREAT TO SEE YOU. IT'S SURREAL.

- I-I-I AM SO SORRY WE HAVEN'T BEEN IN TOUCH.

I-I CAN'T EVEN REMEMBER WHAT OUR FALLING OUT WAS ABOUT.

I'M--I'M SURE IT WAS MY FAULT.

- YOU DIDN'T COME TO MY WEDDING.

YOU MET THAT GUY

THREE DAYS BEFORE AND WENT CAMPING.

- OH.

- IT WOULDN'T HAVE BEEN SO BAD

IF YOU WEREN'T THE MAID OF HONOR.

- OH, GOD.

I'M SO SORRY. IT WAS ME.

[scoffs] ME AND MEN, HUH?

- IT'S OKAY.

IT'S--IT'S BEEN 15 YEARS. IT DOESN'T STING ANYMORE.

- WELL, GOOD.

[both screaming]

TELL ME EVERYTHING.

I WANT TO KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU

AND WHAT'S GOING ON WITH YOU.

SO WHAT IS-- WHAT IS GOING ON WITH YOU?

WHAT IS THE BIGGEST THING

HAPPENING IN YOUR LIFE RIGHT NOW?

- NOTHING.

WOULD YOU-- WOULD YOU EXCUSE ME

JUST FOR--JUST FOR ONE-- JUST FOR ONE MINUTE?

- SURE.

YOU LOOK SO GREAT.

[cell phone beeping]

[sighs]

LENNY, HEY, IT'S CATHY.

UM, AH, CALL ME BACK. OR--OR DON'T CALL ME BACK.

BUT I-I DON'T THINK YOU SHOULD COME OVER HERE,

BECAUSE SOMETHING HAS COME-- [doorbell rings]

- HELLO. - LENNY!

HI. WELCOME.

HI. THIS IS--THIS IS LENNY. HE'S AN ARTIST.

AND THIS IS MY HUSBAND, PAUL.

- OH, GOOD TO MEET YOU. - NICE TO MEET YOU, LENNY.

- LENNY'S AN ARTIST. OH, I SAID THAT.

YEAH. - YEAH.

- HE--HE WORKS AT THE SCHOOL, AND I ASKED HIM TO COME OVER,

UM, AND LOOK AT THE UPSTAIRS HALLWAY,

'CAUSE I WAS THINKING ABOUT DOING A MURAL UP THERE.

I SAW IT ON--

YOU KNOW, SOMETHING THAT I SAW ON ONE OF THOSE HOME SHOWS.

- LISTEN, I'M ON MY WAY OUT OF TOWN,

AND I JUST THOUGHT, YOU KNOW, I'VE GOT A WINDOW OF TIME.

I'LL JUST COME AND TAKE A QUICK LOOK AT IT AND--

- COME ON IN. IT'S CATHY'S BIRTHDAY.

YEAH, LOOK AT THE WALLS.

HAVE A SPRING ROLL. ENJOY YOURSELF.

- NO, I'LL--I'LL COME BACK ANOTHER TIME.

YOU GUYS-- - IT'S A PARTY, MAN.

- IT'S A SURPRISE PARTY. - COME ON IN.

- ALL RIGHT, ONE DRINK. ONE DRINK.

- I AM FREAKING OUT-- A LOT OF ANXIETY.

- DON'T FREAK OUT. IT'S A PARTY THROWN JUST FOR YOU.

SO HAVE A COUPLE OF DRINKS. TALK TO YOUR FRIENDS.

ENJOY YOURSELF. - WHAT ABOUT THE BAHAMAS?

- MM.

- I WANT TO BE ON A BEACH WITHOUT MY SHIRT ON,

NO SUNSCREEN, SUNNING MYSELF WITH WILD ABANDON.

DO YOU SEE WHAT HAPPENS

WHEN I TRY AND DO SOMETHING SPONTANEOUS?

I GET SCREWED OUT OF IT. - LISTEN...

OUR FLIGHT LEAVES LATE, OKAY?

SO MAYBE YOU CAN HAVE IT ALL.

THESE PEOPLE ARE OLD.

THEY DON'T PARTY LONG.

YOU MAKE SENSE. - MM-HMM.

- YOU'RE A BAD IDEA

WITH A GOOD HEAD ON YOUR SHOULDERS.

- SEE YOU OUT THERE.

- WELL, AT LEAST YOU'RE NOT A RACIST.

- WHAT?

- I SAW THAT LITTLE CARESS.

VERY LITTLE GETS PAST ME.

SO...IS THAT YOUR LOVER?

HAS THAT BLACK COCK BEEN INSIDE YOUR WHITE VAGINA?

- I'M GONNA GO HAVE FUN NOW.

- HEY, HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MRS. JAMISON.

- OH, THANK YOU, BRENT.

- CARE FOR AN APPETIZER?

- OH, WHAT DO WE HAVE THERE?

- DAD ORDERED A BUNCH OF STUFF FROM THIS ASIAN PLACE

'CAUSE YOU LIKE CHINESE FOOD.

THESE ARE CALLED, UM, BUKKAKE.

- BUKKAKE. - YEP.

THAT'S WHAT THEY CALLED THEM.

- MMM.

- I KNOW. THEY'RE GOOD, RIGHT? - YEAH, THEY ARE.

AND SO ARE YOU GUYS. YOU'RE BEING VERY SWEET, ADAM.

THANK YOU. - YOU'RE SO WELCOME, MOM.

BUKKAKE, FRESH BUKKAKE. - FRESH BUKKAKE.

- I'LL HAVE A BUKKAKE.

- HAPPY BIRTHDAY, SWEETHEART.

YOU LOOK LIKE YOU'RE GETTING YOUNGER,

NOT OLDER.

- SO DO YOU, AUNT ALLISON.

- OH.

AND YOU'RE SO SKINNY.

YOU COULD STILL SHOP IN THE JUNIOR'S DEPARTMENT.

EVERYTHING'S CHEAPER THERE.

GOT THIS BABY 30 BUCKS.

- WHAT A DEAL. - [laughs]

- THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

I'M GONNA GO REFILL MY GLASS.

- ALL RIGHT.

- WHO'S THAT? - OH...

PAUL'S AUNT.

- [laughing] WHAT'S WITH HER FACE?

- OH, I KNOW. IT'S TERRIBLE. SHE CAN'T LEAVE IT ALONE.

- YOU HAVE SO MANY FRIENDS HERE.

IT MAKES ME FEEL BAD.

I DON'T KNOW THE PEOPLE IN YOUR LIFE ANYMORE.

- OH, WELL, THEY'RE NOT FRIENDS THE WAY WE WERE FRIENDS.

COWORKERS OF PAUL'S,

A LOT OF PARENTS OF ADAM'S FRIENDS.

I MEAN, ADAM'S UNKNOWINGLY BEEN CHOOSING MY FRIENDS

SINCE HE WAS TWO.

- WELL, I WOULDN'T KNOW ABOUT THAT,

BUT HOW'S ABOUT THIS FOR AN OLD FRIEND?

I'M MAKING "WHAT THE HELL?" SHOTS.

- YOU'RE STILL MAKING THOSE?

- WELL, THEY'RE DIFFERENT EVERY TIME.

I GET SO DRUNK, I FORGET WHAT I PUT IN THEM.

both: WHAT THE HELL?

[Cathy winces]

- HEY, MOM, CAN I DRINK TONIGHT?

- NO, YOU CANNOT.

- IS THAT ADAM?

[gasps] OH, MY GOD.

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU HAVE A TEENAGER.

HE'S SO HANDSOME.

YOU KNOW...

HE LOOKS JUST AS IF YOU AND PAUL HAD A BABY.

- WE DID.

- OH, HERE'S TO BABIES.

both: WHAT THE HELL?

- LENNY. - HEY.

- LENNY, HELP ME OUT.

I CANNOT DRINK WHISKEY ALONE.

I MEAN, I WILL IF IT'S THE LAST RESORT,

BUT THEN I'LL HATE MYSELF FOR IT.

- THANK YOU.

YOU GOT A NICE HOUSE HERE, PAUL.

- OH, YEAH, THANKS. - YEAH.

- IT WAS A LITTLE BEAT UP WHEN WE MOVED IN,

BUT CATHY REALLY WHIPPED IT INTO SHAPE.

YOU KNOW, I MEAN, I'M A CREATIVE GUY,

BUT I NEED A COMPUTER, YOU KNOW?

I'M VIRTUALLY CREATIVE.

CATHY--TRUE ARTIST...

YOU KNOW, ALBEIT REPRESSED IF YOU ASK ME.

- IS THAT RIGHT? - MM-HMM.

I MEAN, SHE MAKES THESE CARDS FOR ADAM, OUR SON,

THE FIRST DAY OF SCHOOL EVERY YEAR.

SHE--SHE, LIKE, DECORATES THEM WITH PUFFY PAINT

AND, LIKE, DOES THESE LITTLE COLLAGES,

YOU KNOW, WITH PICTURES AND STUFF.

I MEAN, WHAT KIND OF PERSON TAKES THAT AMOUNT OF TIME

TO MAKE SOMEBODY FEEL SPECIAL, YOU KNOW?

- YEAH.

- TO BE HONEST WITH YOU,

WE'RE GOING THROUGH A BIT OF A...

ROUGH PATCH RIGHT NOW.

BUT SHE'S PROBABLY THE NICEST PERSON I EVER MET.

- HERE'S TO CATHY.

- WE SPENT AN ENTIRE SEMESTER DESIGNING TATTOOS.

AND SOMEHOW, IN OUR BRILLIANCE,

WE CAME UP WITH THE IDEA

OF--OF GETTING THIS ELEGANT CURSIVE WRITING THAT SAID--

- "A PAIR OF FREAKS,"

THAT WE WERE BOTH GONNA GET ON OUR ASS.

- WELL, NOT REALLY OUR ASS. IT WAS SORT OF THE TOP--

- AND WE WANTED TO GO TO THE SAME TATTOO ARTIST,

'CAUSE WE WANTED THEM TO LOOK EXACTLY THE SAME.

- MY GOD, I STILL--I REALLY-- I FEEL REALLY BAD ABOUT IT.

- SO I WENT FIRST, AND WHEN HE FINISHED MINE,

THIS ONE STARTS CRYING AND RUNS OUT.

- WELL, IT JUST-- IT LOOKED REALLY PAINFUL.

- AND TO THIS DAY,

EVERY TIME SOMEONE SEES IT AND SAYS,

"A PAIR OF FREAKS-- WHO'S THE OTHER FREAK?"

I HAVE TO SAY "THERE ISN'T ANOTHER ONE."

I AM THE WHOLE PAIR OF FREAKS.

- AND HOW MANY PEOPLE WOULD SEE THAT, WOULD YOU SAY?

- A LOT, CATH. - MM-HMM.

- A LOT. - MM-HMM.

- A LOT OF EXPLAINING. I--

WHY DO YOU KEEP LOOKING AT YOUR WATCH?

YOU GOT SOMEWHERE TO GO, BESIDES MIDDLE AGE?

- NO. [feigns laughter]

- WAIT A MINUTE. I ALMOST FORGOT.

OKAY, DON'T THINK I'M NUTS,

BUT WHEN I WAS PLANNING TO COME SEE YOU,

I GOT ALL NOSTALGIC AND LOOK WHAT I FOUND.

- OH, MY GOD, YOU PACK RAT.

OUR '80s SUNGLASSES.

- WE, I MEAN, WORE THESE. - WE WORE THEM EVERYWHERE.

- WE WORE THEM TO THE HEART CONCERT.

- WE WORE THEM EVERYWHERE. - WE THOUGHT WE LOOKED SO HOT.

- AND APPARENTLY, YOU DID,

BECAUSE YOU MET THAT GUY AT THE CONCERT,

AND THEN I HAD TO GET A RIDE BACK TO THE CAMPUS

WITH THOSE SORORITY GIRLS. - I'M SO SORRY.

- THE SORORITY GIRLS WHO I JUST RECOGNIZED

EVEN THOUGH I-- - I'M SO SORRY.

- YEAH, YOU SHOULD BE SORRY.

- I'VE BEEN WONDERING ALL THESE YEARS.

DID YOU GET HOME OKAY? - YEAH, THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

WHAT THE HELL? - [laughing] WHAT THE HELL?

- MY RAT BASTARD OF A DAD TOOK OFF ON MY MOM,

LEFT HER HIGH AND DRY-- TWO KIDS TO FEED.

AND I HAVE NEVER TOLD ANYBODY BUT CATHY THIS--

I HAD TO WEAR MY SISTER'S HAND-ME-DOWN PANTS TO SCHOOL.

- [laughs] OH, MAN.

- YEAH. SHE'S A BIG GIRL-- - OH, THAT IS CRUEL.

- AND STILL IS, BUT I MEAN, COME ON.

COME ON. - THAT IS CRUEL.

WE--WE DIDN'T HAVE ENOUGH MONEY

TO BUY ME A BACKPACK FOR SCHOOL.

- REALLY? WHAT DID YOU DO?

- SO MY MOTHER, BLESS HER,

SHE SENT US TO SCHOOL WITH A SUITCASE.

- REALLY? - YEAH.

HAND TO GOD, ME AND MY BROTHER WERE KNOWN AS THE SUITCASE KIDS.

- OH, MAN, THAT'S HARSH.

YOU KNOW...

I DON'T HAVE ANY BLACK FRIENDS.

- YOU'RE JUST GONNA GO THERE?

- YEAH. - YEAH?

- NO DIVERSITY IN MY WORKPLACE.

WHO ARE WE FUCKING KIDDING?

THERE'S NO DIVERSITY IN MINNESOTA.

- DUDE, WHO ARE YOU TELLING? EVEN MY PARENTS ARE WHITE.

- REALLY? - NO.

- NO, THEY'RE NOT. THAT'S VERY GOOD.

- KARAOKE!

- OH, YEAH. - UH-OH.

- OH, YEAH.

- ♪ I'VE BEEN WAITING FOR YOU ♪

both: ♪ I'M PRETENDING ♪

♪ IT'S ALL I CAN DO ♪

♪ MY LOVE I'M SENDING ♪

- ♪ AIN'T MAKING IT THROUGH ♪ - ♪ AIN'T MAKING ITS WAY ♪

- ♪ TO YOUR HEART ♪ - ♪ TO YOUR HEART ♪

[laughter]

both: ♪ YOU'VE BEEN HIDING ♪

♪ NEVER LETTING IT SHOW ♪

♪ ALWAYS TRYIN'... ♪

- I HAVEN'T SEEN HER ENJOYING HERSELF SO MUCH

IN A LONG TIME.

- YEAH. YEAH, SHE LOOKS REALLY HAPPY.

both: ♪ YOU GOT IT DOWN ♪

♪ AND YOU'RE WELL ON YOUR WAY TO THE TOP ♪

♪ BUT THERE'S SOMETHING THAT YOU FORGOT ♪

♪ WHAT ABOUT LOVE? ♪

♪ DON'T YOU WANT SOMEONE TO CARE ABOUT YOU? ♪

♪ WHAT ABOUT LOVE? ♪ - LOVE.

both: ♪ DON'T LET IT SLIP AWAY ♪

♪ WHAT ABOUT LOVE? ♪

♪ I ONLY WANT TO SHARE IT WITH YOU ♪

♪ ♪

[guitar solo]

♪ ♪

- EXCELLENT. - HEY, MOM.

NICE SINGING FOR TWO OLD LADIES.

- OH. I'LL TAKE THAT COMPLIMENT.

- YOU HUNGRY?

SPRING ROLLS, SHUMAI DUMPLINGS,

BUKKAKE.

- JUST ONE MORE BUKKAKE, AND THEN YOU HAVE TO CUT ME OFF.

- WILL DO, MOM.

[both snickering]

- HEY, YOU WANT SOME BUKKAKE?

- [laughs]

- WHAT?

- DO YOU KNOW WHAT BUKKAKE IS?

- OH, IT'S A ASIAN...

PUFF PASTRY SORT OF THING.

WHAT?

- BUKKAKE IS WHERE A GROUP OF MEN

GET TOGETHER FOR THE PURPOSES OF PLEASURING THEMSELVES

ONTO A WOMAN'S FACE.

- OH, MY GOD.

OH, MY GOD. ADAM!

BRENT, HOME. ADAM, UP TO YOUR ROOM.

- WHAT? WHY?

- YOU KNOW WHY. I'LL BUKKAKE YOU.

- OH, GROSS.

- UM, TECHNICALLY, UH, YOU CAN'T.

- I MEAN IT. GO!

- [laughs]

- NICE RED LEATHER SHOES YOU'RE WEARING.

TELL ME, DO YOU ENJOY THINKING ABOUT THE COW

THAT WAS SKINNED TO MAKE THEM,

OR DO YOU JUST BLOCK THAT PART OUT

FOR THE SAKE OF BEING FASHION-FORWARD?

- FUCK YOU, MAN.

- CURSE WORDS WERE INVENTED BY PEOPLE TOO STUPID

TO THINK OF AN INTELLIGENT RESPONSE.

- YOU SHOULD PRINT THAT ON A T-SHIRT.

- YEAH, MAYBE I WILL, REBECCA.

MAYBE I WILL.

- OH, MY FUCKING GOD. SEAN.

LAST TIME I SAW YOU,

YOU HAD TRADED IN YOUR HIKING BOOTS

FOR A PAIR OF BRUNO MAGLIS AND WERE PULLING IN

A VERY HEALTHY INCOME.

- IRONICALLY, INCOME IS ONE

OF THE MOST UNHEALTHY THINGS THERE IS.

IT STARTS THE CYCLE.

- OH.

SO IN OTHER WORDS,

YOUR SHORT STINT IN THE CARE FACILITY

AND YOUR SUBSEQUENT STAB AT CIVILIZATION DIDN'T TAKE?

- NOT SO MUCH. AND WHAT ABOUT YOU?

JUST GETTING OLD AND ANGRY,

TRYING TO SQUEEZE INTO CLOTHES MEANT FOR A WOMAN

HALF YOUR AGE, BUT NOT WILLING TO CHANGE YOUR STYLE

UNTIL ONE OF YOUR ONE-NIGHT STANDS PAYS OFF?

- OH, HERE'S HOPING.

- [scoffs]

SO WHAT LAW FIRM THOUGHT YOU WERE A GOOD IDEA?

- NOT LAW FIRM, SASSY--

PHARMACEUTICAL SALES.

- OH, YOU'RE A DRUG PUSHER?

- YOU DO KNOW ME. - YEAH.

YOU'RE THE REASON NINE-YEAR-OLD GIRLS ARE GETTING BOOBS.

- AND THE REASON NINE-YEAR-OLD BOYS

ARE THANKING ME.

- YOU REALLY HAVE NO CONSCIENCE, DO YOU?

- LOOK, I HAVE A JOB THAT IS QUESTIONABLE

AT BEST, BUT THEY PAY ME VERY WELL.

AND SINCE I HAVE NO HUSBAND

AND NO CHILDREN TO BE RESPONSIBLE FOR,

I PAY FOR MY FATHER'S NURSING HOME CARE,

AND I DONATE 20% OF MY INCOME TO CHARITY.

MY DIME COULD BE THE LAST DIME NEEDED

TO HELP CURE CANCER.

- I'D STILL ARGUE YOU'RE AS BAD

AS YOU ARE GOOD.

- OH.

I'D ARGUE THAT TOO.

- IT LOOKED LIKE YOU WERE HAVING A PRETTY GOOD TIME EARLIER.

- YEAH. AND I THINK YOU'RE RIGHT.

I CAN HAVE IT ALL.

SO WE'RE GONNA DO THE CAKE,

AND THEN I'M GONNA SHOO EVERYBODY AWAY,

AND THEN I'M GONNA SEND ADAM OVER TO PAUL'S.

I FEEL LIKE I'M IN COLLEGE,

WHEN I DIDN'T WORRY ABOUT CONSEQUENCES.

- CATHY, I'M GONNA GO.

- NOW?

YOU WANT ME TO MEET YOU AT THE AIRPORT?

- I LIKE PAUL.

- HE'S VERY LIKABLE. - YEAH.

HE'S FUNNY, CHARMING.

- IF YOU TAKE PAUL TO THE BAHAMAS,

I'M GONNA BE VERY JEALOUS.

- [laughs]

LOOK, I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING ABOUT MARRIAGE.

I ALMOST KNOW NOTHING ABOUT YOURS--

WHAT WENT WRONG OR WHY,

BUT YOU MUST HAVE SEEN SOMETHING IN HIM ONCE.

- YEAH.

HE MADE ME LAUGH.

HE WAS A GREAT DANCER.

- AND HE THREW A GREAT PARTY FOR YOU.

- YEAH.

HE WAS--HE WAS BRAGGING ABOUT THE CAKE

THAT HE GOT FOR ME--

CHOCOLATE WITH RASPBERRY FILLING.

MY FAVORITE, HE SAID.

- IT'S THOUGHTFUL. - YEAH.

EXCEPT IT'S HIS FAVORITE.

NOW, IS THAT BECAUSE

I NEVER SAID OUT LOUD WHAT MY FAVORITE CAKE WAS,

OR BECAUSE HE DIDN'T LISTEN WHEN I SAID IT?

I DON'T KNOW, LENNY.

I DON'T KNOW. - I DON'T KNOW EITHER.

LOOK...

I'M NOT BIG ON GIVING PEOPLE ADVICE,

ESPECIALLY WHEN IT BUTTS UP AGAINST MY OWN HAPPINESS,

BUT MAYBE YOU SHOULD SPEND A LITTLE TIME

MAKING SURE THAT I'M YOUR BEST MOVE.

AND IF YOU DECIDE THAT I AM,

YOU CALL ME.

[cheers and applause]

- OH, THANK YOU. THANK YOU, EVERYBODY.

AND... THANK YOU, PAUL.

I MEAN, I-I DIDN'T KNOW IT, BUT I REALLY NEEDED THIS.

AND YOU HAVE MADE ME VERY HAPPY TODAY,

WHICH IS A REALLY BIG DEAL,

BECAUSE I HAVE TO TELL YOU SOMETHING.

I--I'VE--

YOU KNOW, I'VE JUST REALIZED I HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY--

I MEAN, REALLY...

REALLY TRULY HAPPY IN A LONG TIME, IN YEARS,

I MEAN, IN, LIKE, 20 YEARS,

BECAUSE I REMEMBER, I WAS HAPPY.

I WAS HAPPY WHEN REBECCA AND I--

[laughing] WHEN WE--

WE BROKE INTO THAT ICE CREAM STORE

IN COLLEGE IN THE MIDDLE OF THE NIGHT,

AND WE--WE TOOK PICTURES OF EACH OTHER

IN OUR BRAS EATING ICE CREAM.

I DON'T KNOW-- WHAT IS IT ABOUT COLLEGE

THAT MAKES YOU WANT TO TAKE YOUR SHIRT OFF ALL THE TIME?

[laughter] SO EVEN THOUGH I HAVE MY SHIRT--

I MEAN, MY--MY DRESS, ON,

UM...

I'M AS HAPPY NOW AS I WAS THEN.

SO THANK YOU.

- AW. - THANK YOU.

[applause]

- I DON'T EVEN CARE, DUDE. IT WAS WORTH IT.

WE HAD, LIKE, EVERYONE SAYING IT.

I MEAN, THEY'RE STILL EATING IT.

[mockingly] "OH, BUKKAKE, YUM, YUM."

[laughs]

WAIT. CAN I CALL YOU BACK?

MARLENE?

MARLENE, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- I'M LOOKING FOR MY DAMN HOUSE.

I THINK ONE OF THOSE BIG TRUCKS

MUST HAVE PICKED UP THE WHOLE DAMN HOUSE

AND DROVE OFF WITH IT.

- COME ON.

- OH, BILL, SUSAN...

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

HERE, HAVE A GIFT. NO, TAKE IT.

IT'S ALL YOURS. ENJOY.

OH, AUNT ALLISON.

THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR COMING.

- GOOD-BYE, SWEETHEART.

I'D SAY A GREAT TIME WAS HAD BY ALL.

- IT'S A PRIVILEGE TO GROW OLD.

HERE...

THANKS FOR COMING.

- ADAM.

- MOM, I KNOW I'M GROUNDED.

IT'S JUST-- I'M GONNA WALK MARLENE HOME.

- OH.

OH, WELL, THAT'S NICE. OKAY.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY, MOM. LOVE YOU.

- THANK YOU, ADAM.

YOU'RE A GOOD KID.

- YOU HAVEN'T BEEN HAPPY FOR 20 YEARS?

- OH, I...

NO, I WAS EXAGGERATING.

- HMM.

- IS THAT WHAT I SAID?

- THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID.

THAT'S BASICALLY THE ENTIRE TIME YOU'VE KNOWN ME.

I DON'T KNOW HOW TO NOT TAKE THAT PERSONALLY.

I MEAN, IF THERE'S A STRAW FOR ME TO GRASP AT,

I'LL GRASP AT IT.

HELL, THAT'S WHAT I'VE BEEN DOING FOR THE LAST TWO MONTHS.

[sighs]

- PAUL, HOW MUCH HAVE YOU BEEN DRINKING?

- NOT ENOUGH.

WHEN YOU KICKED ME OUT OF THE HOUSE

FOR PISSING ON THE LAWN, I NEVER SHOULD HAVE SOBERED UP.

I DEFINITELY SHOULD'VE NEVER LEFT MY HOUSE.

THIS IS MY HOUSE, BY THE WAY.

IT'S MY FUCKING HOUSE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS OUR HOUSE.

I THOUGHT IT WAS OUR DREAM HOUSE,

BUT I GUESS I'M THE ONLY ONE DREAMING,

BECAUSE IT'S ALL A BIG FUCKING NIGHTMARE FOR YOU.

YOU KNOW WHAT? YOU SHOULD'VE MOVED OUT!

'CAUSE THIS IS MY HOUSE. THIS IS MY FUCKIN' FAN.

[distorted voice] ♪ IF YOU'RE HAPPY AND YOU KNOW IT ♪

♪ CLAP YOUR HANDS ♪

NOT YOU CATHY. YOU DON'T CLAP.

- PAUL... - YOU KNOW WHAT ELSE?

THIS IS MY FORK, AND I MISS MY FORK.

HELLO, FORK, HOW YOU DOING?

OH, LOOK, IT'S MY BALLOONS.

MY FORK, MEET MY BALLOONS.

HOW YOU DOING? NICE TO SEE YOU. [balloons popping]

WHAT'S UP? MERRY CHRISTMAS.

NICE TO MEET YOU. FUCK YOU.

KISS MY ASS. SUCK MY DICK. FUCK YOU.

[woman moaning]

[both moaning]

- REBECCA.

- OH, MY GOD. CATHY.

I--

- IT'S NOT A GOOD TIME TO DO LAUNDRY, SIS.

- I--

I'M SO SORRY.

[balloons popping]

[yelling indistinctly]

[cell phone beeping]

[yelling continues]

- IT'S ME. I'M COMING WITH YOU.

[Hollywood Drunks' Swell]

♪ ♪

- ♪ MAN, I FEEL DIFFERENT NOW ♪

♪ YOU PROBABLY CAN'T EVEN TELL ♪

♪ WHAT'S GOT ME MOVING ♪

♪ AIN'T THE SAME THING AS YEARS BEFORE ♪

♪ I HAD THE BIG DREAM ♪

♪ AND NOW IT'S EASY TO FIGURE OUT ♪

♪ IT'S TOO LATE NOW ♪

♪ I DONE MESSED AROUND TOO LONG ♪

♪ TO TURN BACK WHAT I STARTED ♪

♪ BETTER FINISH IT BEFORE I'M BROKENHEARTED ♪

♪ BUT HEY DON'T GET ME WRONG ♪