Original subtitles

- PREVIOUSLY ON THE BIG C...

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR DAD. - DOES THAT MEAN YOU'RE GONNA

KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE, THEN, TOO?

- CALL ME WHEN YOU GIVE A SHIT AGAIN.

- TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH,

I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE ABOUT BEING SICK.

- WHAT KIND OF CANCER DO YOU HAVE?

[Leftover Cuties' Game Called Life]

- ♪ IT'S SO HARD ♪

♪ TO TURN YOUR LIFE OVER ♪

♪ ♪

♪ STEP OUT OF YOUR COMFORT ZONE ♪

♪ ♪

♪ IS THIS SOME KIND OF A JOKE? ♪

♪ WILL SOMEONE WAKE ME UP SOON ♪

♪ AND TELL ME THIS WAS JUST A GAME ♪

♪ WE PLAYED ♪

♪ CALLED LIFE? ♪

- I'M SORRY. I DON'T UNDERSTAND.

- THE MONEY THAT I'VE BEEN DEPOSITING EVERY WEEK

FOR THE LAST 20 YEARS INTO MY 401(k),

I WOULD LIKE TO HAVE IT.

- BY CASHING OUT YOUR ACCOUNT BEFORE RETIREMENT,

YOU'LL BE FORFEITING NEARLY HALF YOUR MONEY.

IT'S JUST NOT RECOMMENDED.

- AND WHAT IS RETIREMENT AGE? - 65.

- YEAH, I'M GONNA NEED THAT MONEY.

I WAS WATCHING SUZE ORMAN THIS MORNING.

SHE WAS PREACHING THAT SAME OLD TIRED MANTRA,

SAVE FOR A RAINY DAY.

AND I REALIZED IT COULD RAIN ANY DAY,

SO I DECIDED TO COME DOWN HERE,

GET MY MONEY, AND JUST SPEND IT.

- JUST SPEND IT? ON WHAT?

- I DON'T KNOW.

ALSO, A LITTLE NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS.

- YOU'RE SURE THIS IS WHAT YOU WANT?

- OH, NO, THERE'S VERY LITTLE I'M SURE OF ANYMORE.

SO WHAT DO YOU SAY?

SHALL WE DO THIS?

- OKAY, WE'LL START THE PAPERWORK

AND HAVE THE MONEY IN YOUR ACCOUNT WITHIN THE HOUR.

- [muffled] OH, GREAT, ALAN, THANK YOU.

- THERE'S SOMETHING WRONG WITH YOU.

- YES, I KNOW.

THAT'S WHY I'M DOING THIS.

[whistle blows]

[indistinct shouting]

HEY, SWEETIE, YOU READY TO GO?

- ONE SEC.

- HOW WAS THE JOB INTERVIEW?

- I DECIDED NOT TO GO TODAY.

- ADAM, IT'S--IT'S CALLED A SUMMER JOB

BECAUSE IT'S SUMMER.

- I DON'T WANT TO HAND OUT YOGURT SAMPLES IN THE MALL

FOR MINIMUM WAGE. - OH, YOU'RE RIGHT.

YOU REALLY SHOULD BE FOCUSING ON MIDDLE MANAGEMENT.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

- DAD GOT IT FOR ME.

- BALL! BALL! BALL!

- DUCK, DUCK, DUCK! - GET IT OUT!

- WHAT IS YOUR DAD DOING?

- UH, PLAYING RUGBY.

AND, NO, HE DOES NOT KNOW HE LOOKS RIDICULOUS.

- ALL RIGHT, YOU ARE NOT GONNA SIT AROUND

AND PLAY VIDEO GAMES ALL SUMMER.

JUST GO WAIT IN THE CAR.

PAUL, WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

YOU'RE GONNA KILL YOURSELF.

- .7 SECONDS--IT'S A NEW UNSUPPORTIVE RECORD!

- RUGBY?

WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS?

- BECAUSE IT'S FUN, AND I WANT TO.

- YOU'RE A 45-YEAR-OLD MAN WHO BRUISES LIKE A PEACH.

YOU WEAR A KNEE BRACE UNDER YOUR DOCKERS.

- CAN'T KICK ME OUT OF THE HOUSE AND TELL ME WHAT TO DO.

SO FIGURE IT OUT, CATH. - ALL RIGHT, AND THIS?

IF ADAM WANTS A VIDEO GAME,

HE CAN GET A JOB AND BUY IT HIMSELF.

OR HE COULD WAIT UNTIL HE'S 65

AND DO WHATEVER HE WANTS WITH HIS MONEY.

BUT YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO BE THE POPULAR PARENT.

- LOOK, I GOT MY SON, WHO I MISS, A PRESENT, OKAY?

I'M SORRY IF I MISSED THE ACCEPTABLE-GIFT CHAPTER

IN THE BANNED-PARENT HANDBOOK.

[whistle blows]

- OH, MY GOD.

IS THAT RUGBY SLUT?

- [whispering] I THINK SHE PREFERS "TINA" NOW.

- SHE DATED--AND I USE THAT TERM LOOSELY--

THE ENTIRE RUGBY TEAM, LIKE, 20 YEARS AGO.

AND HERE SHE IS, STILL AT IT...

CAMEL TOE AND ALL?

- SHE'S A FAN, CATH.

IT'S NOT A CRIME TO LIKE SOMETHING.

YOU SHOULD TRY IT SOMETIME.

- CATHY JAMISON.

OH, I KNEW THAT WAS YOU.

IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

WOW, YOU HAVEN'T CHANGED A BIT.

I WISH I COULD JUST FIND

THAT ONE LOOK THAT WORKED FOR ME AND JUST STICK WITH IT.

- I SEE YOU'RE STILL SUPPORTING THE RUGBY TEAM.

- OH, YEAH, WHAT CAN I SAY?

I LOVE IT!

AND IT'S GREAT TO SEE PAULIE BACK AT IT.

- PAULIE? - MM-HMM.

- OH, RIGHT. PAUL.

PAULIE. [chuckles]

[car horn honking]

- MOM, COME ON, LET'S GO! COME ON!

- HEY, HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR CAR?

'CAUSE I WAS LOOKING AT ONE OF THOSE,

BUT THEN MY SISTER SAID IT'S A MOM CAR.

[whistle blows]

BUT, OF COURSE, YOU'RE A MOM, SO...

- IT WAS REALLY GOOD TO SEE YOU, TINA.

- HEY, YOU TOO.

- YOU'RE CRAZY.

- AM I?

I'M DYING, MARLENE.

401(k)s ARE FOR PEOPLE WHO GET TO SPEND THEIR RETIREMENT MONEY

ON ALASKAN CRUISES

AND TAKING RVs ACROSS THE COUNTRY.

WELL, WHAT ABOUT ME? WHAT DO I GET?

- A HANGOVER FROM THIS FOO-FOO BUBBLY DRINK.

- HEY, THIS IS A $450 BOTTLE OF CHAMPAGNE.

IT'S THE BEST THERE IS.

I ALWAYS WANTED TO KNOW

WHAT EXPENSIVE CHAMPAGNE TASTED LIKE.

NOW I DO.

- I NEVER SAW THE POINT IN SPENDING MONEY ON STUFF

THAT DIDN'T LAST.

MY HUSBAND, EDDIE, HAD A HARD-ON

FOR TROPICAL FISH.

HAD A BIG OLD TANK AND SPENT DAMN GOOD MONEY

FILLING IT WITH GOOFY-LOOKING FISH

WITH FANCY NAMES.

STUPID THINGS DIED ABOUT AS FAST AS HE COULD GET THEM IN THERE.

- WELL, GOOD FOR HIM, I SAY.

- HE'D SIT IN FRONT OF THAT TANK AND JUST SMILE

LIKE SOME RETARDED KID.

- DON'T SAY "RETARDED."

COME ON, MARLENE.

ISN'T THERE ANYTHING YOU'VE EVER WANTED TO BUY FOR YOURSELF

JUST BECAUSE?

- NEVER MUCH THOUGHT ABOUT IT, I GUESS.

- WELL, YOU SHOULD.

AND YOU KNOW WHAT'S IRONIC?

HERE I'VE BEEN THIS COUPON-CUTTING SAVER,

AND YET I'VE RAISED A LAZY SON

WHO'S NEVER EVEN HAD A SUMMER JOB.

- SOMETIMES KIDS JUST NEED A SWIFT KICK IN THE PANTS.

- WELL, I'M RUNNING OUT OF TIME FOR KICKS IN THE PANTS.

AND WHAT TIME WE DO HAVE, I'D RATHER NOT SPEND SCREAMING

AND SLAMMING DOORS IN EACH OTHER'S FACES.

- WHAT THE HELL IS THAT?

- GAH! IT'S MY RV!

[breathes deeply]

[horn honks]

SEAN!

SEAN, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

- RECYCLING YOUR RECYCLING.

UM, BY THE WAY, THIS KIND OF PLASTIC

DOESN'T BREAK DOWN-- I'M SORRY.

THINGS DON'T GET RECYCLED 'CAUSE YOU FEEL GUILTY

THROWING THEM IN THE TRASH.

OH, MY SWEET SATAN.

IS THIS WEAPON YOURS?

- YEAH, I JUST BOUGHT IT.

JUST WALKED ONTO A LOT AND BOUGHT IT.

I WANTED TO DO SOMETHING... - HOW YOU DOING, GAS WHORE?

- IMPULSIVE. DO YOU UNDERSTAND--

- YOU FEELING GOOD ABOUT YOURSELF, GAS WHORE?

- THIS IS THE FIRST MAJOR PURCHASE THAT I HAVE MADE

WITHOUT CONSULTING CONSUMER REPORTS

FOR THREE MONTHS BEFOREHAND

AND THEN AGONIZING THAT I'D MADE A MISTAKE

FOR THREE MONTHS AFTERWARDS.

WAIT A MINUTE.

WHY ARE YOU HERE, IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD?

YOU'VE NEVER RECYCLED MY RECYCLABLES.

DID YOU COME HERE TO SEE ME?

ARE YOU IN NEED OF A SIS FIX?

- OH, SO I CAME TO VISIT MY SISTER,

SO FUCKING SUE ME.

- OH, RELAX.

YOU KNOW I ALWAYS LOVE TO SEE--

- OW! OH, GOD.

- WHAT? WHAT'S WRONG?

- OH, MY TOOTH'S SCREWED UP.

- THAT'S NOT GOOD.

GO TO MY DENTIST. I'LL PAY FOR IT.

- NO, THANK YOU.

- SERIOUSLY, SEAN, IT COULD BE INFECTED.

- OH, IT'S DEFINITELY INFECTED.

YOU SHOULD SMELL WHAT I TASTE.

- SEXY.

I'M SURE DAPHNE WANTS YOU TO SEE A DENTIST.

- SHE DOESN'T CARE. WE BROKE UP.

SHE GOT ALL WEEPY ON ME AND WANTED TO BE EXCLUSIVE.

BUT IT'S COOL. IT'S COOL.

GOT A COUPLE OTHER FISH ON THE LINE,

I'M JUST NOT READY TO THROW BACK.

- JUST GO TO THE DENTIST, SEAN.

- NO!

I'M NOT GONNA SUDDENLY BUY INTO THE SYSTEM

BECAUSE I'M EXPERIENCING SOME MINOR DISCOMFORT.

WHEN THE ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT WHO HAS TO CHOOSE

BETWEEN A TRIP TO THE DOCTOR AND FEEDING HER KIDS CAN GO,

I'LL THINK ABOUT IT.

- STILL SCARED OF THE DENTIST, HUH?

- I'M NOT SCARED, CATHY.

I'M RIGHTEOUS AND INDIGNANT.

- FINE, WHATEVER YOU NEED TO TELL YOURSELF.

[laughs]

NOW, JUST STEP AWAY FROM THE CAR.

YOU LET ME ENJOY MY FRIVOLOUS PURCHASE.

- I DIDN'T KNOW YOU KNEW HOW TO DRIVE A STICK.

- STICK?

SHIT.

- HA HA.

[engine revs, gears grind]

[tires squeal, horns honking]

[engine sputtering] - LEARN TO DRIVE!

[horns continue honking]

- HMM, SO WHAT, WE'RE TAKING OUR APPOINTMENTS

AT CAP'N RED'S LOBSTER GRILL NOW, HUH?

- I'M SORRY.

I HAVE A NEW CAR,

AND THIS PARKING LOT IS A LOT EASIER TO PARK IN

THAN YOUR STRUCTURE-- AND CHEAPER, I MIGHT ADD.

HMM.

LET'S GET YOU A DRINK.

THE HOUSE CHARDONNAY-- IT'S A LITTLE STALE BUT FRUITY,

IF YOU'RE INTO FRUITY.

- I CAN'T. I HAVE APPOINTMENTS THIS AFTERNOON.

UH, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?

ANY PAIN? NORMAL APPETITE?

- STARVING.

- I BROUGHT YOUR LATEST BLOOD RESULTS.

EVERYTHING LOOKS STABLE, SO--

- YOU ARE PUTTING ME OFF MY LUNCH.

YOU GONNA WHIP OUT YOUR STETHOSCOPE

AND LISTEN TO MY HEART TOO?

- I WAS GONNA, BUT WE CAN SKIP IT.

- CAN'T WE BE A LITTLE LESS DOCTOR/PATIENT

AND A LITTLE MORE,

"DID YOU SEE OUR SERVER'S BANGS?"

I MEAN, COME ON, GIVE ME SOMETHING JUICY.

DID YOU TELL ANYONE THEY WERE DYING TODAY?

DID THEY CRY?

- THAT'S A LITTLE DARK, DON'T YOU THINK?

- SORRY.

OTHER PEOPLE'S BAD NEWS MAKES ME FEEL BETTER.

IT'S CALLED SCHADENFRE-- [laughing]

SCHADENFREUDE.

I WOULD NEVER KNOW THAT WORD IF IT DIDN'T TOTALLY FUCK ME

ON THE CROSSWORDS LAST WEEK.

OH, THAT'S SO SAD.

THAT POOR LOBSTER CAN HARDLY TURN AROUND IN THAT TANK.

- GIVEN THAT HIS NEXT DESTINATION

IS A BOILING POT OF WATER, I'D SAY HE'S GOT IT PRETTY GOOD.

- NO, BUT SERIOUSLY, ONE DAY, YOU'RE CRAWLING AROUND

THE BOTTOM OF THE OCEAN, TAKING LIFE FOR GRANTED.

THE NEXT DAY YOU WALK INTO A TRAP,

AND YOU FIND YOURSELF IN A TINY GLASS PRISON

WAITING TO DIE.

WHAT KIND OF CRAPPY LUCK IS THAT?

EXCUSE ME! - YEAH?

- HOW MUCH IS THE BIG LOBSTER IN THE TANK.

AND BEFORE YOU SAY ANYTHING,

I WILL GIVE YOU $200 FOR HIM,

BUT I NEED HIM LIVE.

- I'M SORRY, BUT I'M NOT ALLOWED

TO SELL THE LOBSTERS LIVE.

- $300.

- I'M SORRY, BUT I CAN'T--

- SHE'S JOKING.

YOU--YOU'RE JOKING, RIGHT?

- NOT SO MUCH.

IF I CAN'T HAVE MY LOBSTER,

THEN I WILL DRINK TO FORGET HIM.

IF YOU KEEP THIS GLASS FULL,

I WILL GIVE YOU $50.

- YES, MA'AM.

- THIS IS TO GET YOUR BANGS FIXED.

- JESUS, CATHY, WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ALL THAT CASH?

- I DON'T KNOW.

BUT THE DAY IS YOUNG.

[sports anchor talking on television]

- UGH, DAMN IT.

- EVERYTHING THE SALESMAN OFFERED, I BOUGHT.

YOU KNOW, HEATED SEATS--SURE.

NAVIGATION SYSTEM--YOU BET.

TURBO COMPRESSOR--

I DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THE HELL THAT IS,

BUT WHY NOT?

- HMM.

- WHAT'S THE "HMM"?

- I WAS JUST THINKING.

UM, IT'S COMMON FOR PEOPLE WITH TERMINAL ILLNESS

TO DO IMPULSIVE THINGS.

LIKE, I'VE HEARD OF PATIENTS

GOING GORILLA TREKKING IN AFRICA

OR FLYING ON A SUBORBITAL SPACE FLIGHT

OR RUNNING WITH THE BULLS IN PAMPLONA.

- JESUS.

DYING PEOPLE HAVE GREAT IDEAS.

- PLEASE DON'T GO RUNNING WITH THE BULLS.

ALL RIGHT, YOU KNOW, START WITH SOMETHING SMALLER,

LIKE CHICKENS.

- [chuckles]

YOU'RE FUNNY.

- SO WHY A CONVERTIBLE?

- AMANDA MONTGOMERY.

- WHO?

- THIS GIRL IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHE WAS ONE OF THOSE PERFECT GIRLS.

SHE DROVE A CHERRY-RED CONVERTIBLE.

EVERY MORNING WHEN SHE'D PULL INTO THE PARKING LOT,

WEARING THESE IMPOSSIBLY HARD TO WALK IN CLOGS,

EVERYTHING ABOUT HER SEEMED EFFORTLESS.

SHE HAD LIFE BY THE BALLS, YOU KNOW?

SHE KNEW SHE WAS GONNA GET WHATEVER SHE WANTED.

AND I BOUGHT THAT CAR 'CAUSE I WANTED TO KNOW

WHAT IT WOULD FEEL LIKE TO BE HER,

TO KNOW THAT ANYTHING WAS POSSIBLE.

I WANT MORE PIE.

WHERE'S BANGY?

- OH, SHIT, I'M LATE FOR AN APPOINTMENT.

- WELL, YOU'RE A DOCTOR.

AREN'T YOU ALWAYS LATE FOR APPOINTMENTS?

- NO, I'M MEETING A REALTOR.

- YOU'RE GOING HOUSE HUNTING?

- YEAH.

- I LOVE HOUSE HUNTING.

I MEAN, IT'S SO-- IT'S SO VOYEURISTIC.

TAKE ME WITH YOU. - I DON'T--

- LOOK, I WILL PAY YOU $800.

- ALL RIGHT, STOP DOING THAT.

- SO YOU'LL TAKE ME FOR FREE?

- YES. - YEAH!

- BUT JUST MOSTLY SO I CAN KEEP AN EYE ON YOU.

- WELL, THEN HERE, YOU DRIVE MY NEW CAR.

JUST PULL IT AROUND WHILE I PEE.

LAST CHANCE FOR A URINE SAMPLE.

- WHAT? ARE YOU-- CATHY!

- JUST GO!

GO, GO, GO, GO, GO, GO!

[tires squeal]

- HEY, GET BACK HERE!

[sighs]

- [yelling]

DUDE, THIS IS SO COOL.

I READ ONLINE ABOUT THIS LADY

WHO HAD AN INFECTED TOOTH AND A HANDGUN,

AND SHE SHOT IT OUT. - YOU WANT COOL?

I ONCE SAW A GUY AMPING ON METH

CUT OFF HIS TOES

'CAUSE HE THOUGHT THEY WERE EATING HIS FEET.

- OH, DUDE. - YEAH.

OH, P.S., BUDDY, DON'T DO DRUGS.

GO EASY WITH THOSE PLIERS, THOUGH.

I DON'T WANT YOU FUCKING UP MY ENAMEL.

- SERIOUSLY? - YEAH.

THIS SMILE GETS ME A LOT OF TAIL.

- SINCE MY MOM TOOK AWAY MY VIDEO GAME,

THIS IS THE MOST FUN I'VE HAD ALL DAY.

- ALL RIGHT, FOCUS.

- SORRY.

- AAH!

[grumbling]

MOTHERFUCKING COCKSUCKER! - I'M SORRY.

- OHH! - CALM DOWN, PLEASE.

PLEASE, IT'S OKAY.

- SON OF A CUNT! FUCKING ASS-LICKER!

YOU JUST MADE IT FUCKING WORSE.

OH, I BEGGED YOUR PARENTS NOT TO HAVE YOU CIRCUMCISED.

NOW I WISH I'D DONE IT MYSELF.

OH, GOD DAMN!

- JESUS, CAN SCARLETT O'HARA COME OUT AND PLAY?

- ALL RIGHT, IT'S A LITTLE BIG,

BUT I'M NOT GONNA BE SINGLE FOREVER.

AND BY MY PROJECTIONS, I'M HOPING TO DOUBLE THE SIZE

OF MY PRACTICE IN THE NEXT TEN YEARS.

- AH, THE HOUSE THAT CANCER BUILT.

YOUR OWN LITTLE MELA-HOMA.

- THAT'S TERRIBLE.

- THANK YOU.

- AH, DR. MAUER, IT'S GOOD TO SEE YOU.

OH, WHAT A BEAUTIFUL CAR.

- THAT'S MINE.

IT'S--IT'S NEW.

IT'S, UH...

IT'S A CONVERTIBLE, OBVIOUSLY.

- VIVIAN, THIS IS-- - AMANDA.

AMANDA MONTGOMERY.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, AMANDA. THIS IS GREAT.

IT'S ALWAYS BETTER WHEN A COUPLE

CAN TOUR A HOUSE TOGETHER.

- OH, NO, WE'RE NOT-- - CRAZY ABOUT THE LAWN.

BUT WE HAVE A LANDSCAPER WHO CAN WORK MIRACLES.

- SHALL WE?

- I'M A YOUNG DOCTOR'S GIRLFRIEND.

- THE HOUSE DATES BACK TO THE TURN OF THE CENTURY.

IT WAS COMPLETELY REMODELED IN 2009--

4,200 SQUARE FEET,

FIVE BEDROOMS,

AND NOT THAT IT'S ANY OF MY BUSINESS,

BUT I HOPE YOU TWO ARE PLANNING ON CHILDREN.

- OH, I THINK WE COULD HAVE SOME KIDS.

- THERE'S A GAME ROOM IN THE BASEMENT,

A WINE CELLAR.

AND, AMANDA, THERE IS CLOSET SPACE GALORE.

- OH, LORD KNOWS I NEED IT.

TODD IS ALWAYS SAYING TO ME

MY CLOSETS NEED CLOSETS.

- SHE LOVES HER CLOTHES.

- WAIT TILL YOU SEE THE BACKYARD.

THERE IS THE MOST GORGEOUS SALTWATER POOL--

SIMPLY STUNNING.

THE DINING ROOM.

- HMM.

- WHAT SORT OF MEDICINE DO YOU PRACTICE, DR. MAUER?

- HE'S AN ONCOLOGIST.

SUMMA CUM LAUDE, UNIVERSITY OF MICHIGAN.

HMM.

I SAW YOUR DIPLOMA IN YOUR OFFICE.

I ALSO SAW THAT PICTURE OF YOU AND YOUR FRATERNITY BROTHERS.

[whispering] IT'S A LITTLE GAY MEN'S CHORUS.

- DO YOU WORK, AMANDA? - I USED TO.

BUT TODD'S INCOME ALLOWS ME THE OPPORTUNITY

TO REALLY FOCUS ON MY CHARITY WORK.

- OH, WHAT KIND OF CHARITY DO YOU DO?

- I HAVE A FOUNDATION

THAT RAISES MONEY TO BUILD SCHOOLS IN AFRICA

FOR YOUNG WOMEN.

- OH, HOW WONDERFUL. - IT IS.

- YOU'RE GONNA LOVE THE KITCHEN.

DO YOU LIKE TO COOK, AMANDA? - OH, SHE LOVES IT.

YOU KNOW, AMANDA ACTUALLY SPENT SOME TIME

AT LE CORDON BLEU.

- [gasps]

- NICE. - MM-HMM.

- VIKING APPLIANCES,

GRANITE COUNTERTOPS,

HARDWOOD CHERRY CABINETS

WITH MAHOGANY FINISH.

- IT'S BEAUTIFUL.

IMAGINE THE MEALS

THAT I COULD COOK FOR YOU IN HERE, TODD, HMM?

BAKING, BOILING, STEAMING, POACHING--

EVERYTHING HOT I KNOW YOU LIKE.

- UM... [clears throat]

THERE'S A WALK-IN PANTRY IN HERE

I THINK YOU'D LIKE TO SEE.

JUST, UH...

- [laughs] - REALLY?

YEAH, THANK YOU.

- OH, LOOK AT THAT.

ISN'T THAT THE MOST BEAUTIFUL THING YOU'VE EVER SEEN?

THAT'S A POOL YOU CAN FLOAT IN.

WHEN I WAS A KID, I WOULD LIE ON MY BACK

FOR HOURS IN OUR POOL JUST FLOATING...

JUST FEELING NOTHING AND EVERYTHING.

IT'S LIKE YOU WERE WEIGHTLESS

AND TIME STANDS STILL.

THAT WOULD BE NICE, WOULDN'T IT,

FOR TIME TO STAND STILL?

- COME ON. LET'S GO.

- WHAT'S GOING ON HERE?

- I'M LOOKING FOR THIS BOY'S PARENTS.

- THEY'RE OUT. WHAT DID HE DO?

- HE GOT CAUGHT TRYING TO SHOPLIFT A VIDEO GAME SYSTEM

FROM WAL-MART.

IT'S HIS FIRST OFFENSE,

SO THE STORE'S NOT PRESSING CHARGES.

NEXT TIME HE WON'T BE SO LUCKY.

- THANK YOU, OFFICER. I'LL DEAL WITH HIM.

- AND YOU ARE?

- I'M HIS GRANDMA.

- WAIT, WHAT, NO, SHE--

- HEY, I'M AS EMBARRASSED TO SAY IT

AS YOU ARE TO HEAR IT.

- WELL, IT SEEMS LIKE YOU GOT THIS.

- WHY'D YOU SAY YOU WERE MY GRANDMA?

- I'M SAVING YOUR MOM FROM HAVING TO PUT UP

WITH HER PAIN-IN-THE-ASS SON AGAIN.

- WAIT, WAIT, SO YOU'RE NOT GONNA TELL HER?

- THAT DEPENDS. - ON WHAT?

- ON HOW WELL YOU CLEAN MY YARD.

- WAIT, WHAT? ARE YOU BLACKMAILING ME?

- CALL IT WHAT YOU WANT,

BUT I EXPECT YOU AT MY HOUSE EVERY DAY,

MOWING, TRIMMING, PAINTING.

I'LL PAY YOU A FAIR WAGE, YOU'LL STAY OUT OF TROUBLE,

AND MAYBE YOU CAN BUY THAT VIDEO GAME

YOU THOUGHT WAS IMPORTANT ENOUGH TO STEAL.

- WHAT IF I SAY NO?

- DON'T MAKE ME CALL THE COPS BACK HERE

AND TELL 'EM YOU PUSHED AN OLD LADY.

I'M ONTO YOUR CRAP.

- AND THIS, OF COURSE, IS THE FABULOUS MASTER BEDROOM...

WITH ANOTHER AMAZING VIEW OF THE--

YOUR GIRLFRIEND IS IN THE POOL WITH HER CLOTHES ON.

- YEAH, AMANDA'S GOING THROUGH

A BIT OF A ROUGH TIME RIGHT NOW.

[whistle blows] - WAY TO GO, PAULIE!

OOH! OOH!

- YEAH, NICE ONE, PAULIE!

YOU'RE A FUCKING DOUCHE BAG!

- WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING HERE?

WHAT, ARE WE PLAYING ON AN ANCIENT INDIAN BURIAL GROUND?

IS MY JERSEY MADE BY TODDLERS IN BOTSWANA?

ARE THERE ENDANGERED TREE FROGS

IN THE ASTROTURF, YOU DICK?

- LOOK, I'VE BEEN REPRESSING A LOT OF ANGER TOWARDS YOU,

AND IT'S GIVING ME HEMORRHOIDS,

SO I KIND OF NEED TO PURGE.

NOW, IF AT ANY POINT

YOU WANT TO HIT ME, I GET IT.

WE BOTH NEED CATHARSIS.

- GO BACK TO YOUR DUMPSTER, SEANIE.

- HEY, FUCK YOU, YOU 9:00-TO-5:00,

CORPORATE PIECE OF SHIT.

YOU FUCKING WASTE OF OXYGEN!

- YEAH, WELL, YOU KNOW,

NOW YOU'RE GETTING A LITTLE OUT OF LINE.

- OOH, YOU WANT ME TO SHUT UP?

THEN HIT ME, PAULIE. OH, BUT YOU WON'T, WILL YOU?

BECAUSE YOU'RE A FUCKING COWARD.

YOU'RE MORE THAN A COWARD, REALLY.

YOU'RE A COMPLETE FAILURE.

YOU FUCKED UP YOUR MARRIAGE, YOUR LIFE.

YOU TURNED MY VIBRANT, QUIRKY SISTER

INTO A MISERABLY DULL, LIFELESS ZOMBIE.

YOU'RE A HALF-ASS HUSBAND, A POOR EXCUSE FOR A FATHER,

A SHITTY--OH!

[groaning]

OH, JEEZ.

IT'S OUT.

IT'S OUT! HA HA!

IT'S OUT!

OH, JESUS, SWEET RELIEF!

- WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - I'VE HAD THIS INFECTED TOOTH.

I'VE BEEN TRYING LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER TO GET IT OUT,

BUT THE UNIVERSE WAS FIGHTING ME ON IT.

BUT, YOU, YOU JUST GOT IT FOR ME, BUDDY.

THANKS! - YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

- NO HARD FEELINGS.

YOU SHOULD KNOW I DIDN'T MEAN, UH,

68% OF THE STUFF I JUST SAID.

YOU KNOW, I THINK I SWALLOWED IT.

WHEN IT PASSES, I AM MAKING YOU

AN AWESOME TOOTH NECKLACE.

PAULIE! PAULIE!

both: PAULIE! PAULIE!

- PAULIE! PAULIE!

- [spits] - FREAK!

- I'M SORRY IF I SCREWED ANYTHING UP FOR YOU BACK THERE.

I DON'T THINK VIVIAN WAS VERY PLEASED

THAT I WAS FLOATING IN HER POOL.

- OH, I'M SURE SHE'S SEEN STRANGER THINGS.

- YOU THINK?

- NO.

- YOU'RE LUCKY, YOU KNOW?

I WISH I WAS LOOKING FOR HOUSES AND STARTING A NEW LIFE.

I'M SORRY. THAT WAS MAUDLIN.

I ALWAYS GET MAUDLIN WHEN I'M COMING OFF A DRUNK.

- I'M SORRY, CATHY. - FOR WHAT?

- I JUST...

I FEEL BAD.

- FOR ME?

DON'T FEEL BAD FOR ME.

I HAD A GREAT DAY.

- I DON'T KNOW. I JUST...

I SHOULDN'T HAVE MORE OF A FUTURE THAN YOU.

- BUT I DO HAVE A FUTURE.

HIS NAME'S ADAM.

UNFORTUNATELY, HE'S AN ASSHOLE RIGHT NOW.

I'M BANKING ON IT BEING A PHASE.

I THINK IT'S A PHASE.

PEOPLE CHANGE WHEN BIG THINGS HAPPEN IN THEIR LIVES.

MAYBE HE'LL DECIDE TO BECOME A DOCTOR.

- THAT'D BE GOOD.

I HOPE I GET TO MEET HIM SOMEDAY.

- I'LL INVITE YOU BOTH TO THE FUNERAL.

[chuckles]

HERE.

- THANK YOU.

- YOU SHOULD BUY THAT HOUSE, YOU KNOW?

- YOU THINK? - YEAH.

FILL IT WITH KIDS AND STUFF.

- WELL, WE'LL SEE WHAT JULIE THINKS ABOUT THAT.

- WHO'S JULIE?

- MY GIRLFRIEND.

- HUH.

HOW COME YOU DIDN'T TELL ME YOU HAD A GIRLFRIEND

WHEN I WAS YOUR GIRLFRIEND?

- UH...

[chuckles]

[engine turning]

[engine revving]

[gears grinding]

- OH, CAREFUL, YOU DAMN MONKEY.

THAT'S FRAGILE.

- IT'S GREAT TO SEE YOU BACK ON THE FIELD, PAULIE.

- OH, THANKS. IT'S GREAT TO BE BACK.

IT'S NICE TO KNOW THAT I CAN STILL CLOT.

WAY TO GO, PLATELETS.

- [chuckles]

I CAN'T BELIEVE YOU GOT INTO IT WITH THAT CRAZY GUY.

THERE'S ALWAYS SOMETHING SO PRIMAL AND SEXY

ABOUT TWO MEN FIGHTING.

I DON'T KNOW.

- WELL, VIOLENCE IS NEVER THE ANSWER TO ANYTHING,

UNLESS YOU WIN.

[both chuckle]

- SO YOU GONNA JOIN US FOR BEERS AT O'REILLY'S?

- SURE. WHY NOT?

- GREAT. I'LL SAVE YOU A SEAT.

- AND I WILL SIT THERE.

- [chuckles] OKAY.

[light rock music]

♪ ♪

- ♪ BY THE WAY ♪

♪ IF THERE'S ONE THING YOU CAN DO ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW, NOW ♪

♪ I HAVE LEARNED AS THE SUN FALLS DOWN ON YOU ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW, NOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE BREAKING IT DOWN ♪

♪ WE GOT TIME TO KILL ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ SO DON'T TALK ME THROUGH IT ♪

♪ I'LL UNDERSTAND IT ♪

♪ WHEN EVERYTHING IS DONE ♪

♪ DON'T HOLD ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M ALWAYS WAITING ♪

♪ BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IT ♪

♪ WHEN EVERYTHING IS DONE ♪

♪ DON'T HOLD ME BACK ♪

♪ ♪

♪ BY THE WAY ♪

♪ IF THERE'S ONE THING LEFT TO TRY ♪

[thunder rumbles]

♪ HEAR ME NOW ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW, NOW ♪

♪ YOU HAVE LEARNED ♪

♪ I CAN SEE THAT IN YOUR EYES ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW ♪

♪ HEAR ME NOW, NOW ♪

♪ 'CAUSE WE'RE BREAKING IT DOWN ♪

♪ BUT WE GOT TIME TO KILL ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ SO DON'T TALK ME THROUGH IT ♪

♪ I'LL UNDERSTAND IT ♪

♪ WHEN EVERYTHING IS DONE ♪

♪ DON HOLD ME BACK ♪

♪ I'M ALWAYS WAITING ♪

♪ BUT YOU DON'T KNOW IT ♪

♪ WHEN EVERYTHING IS DONE ♪

♪ DON'T HOLD ME BACK ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ DON'T HOLD ME BACK ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ DON'T HOLD ME BACK ♪

♪ OOH, OOH ♪

♪ DON'T HOLD ME BACK ♪