Original subtitles

- YOU WANT ME TO PUT A POOL IN THIS YARD?

- YES. PLEASE. - [laus]

- UNLESS YOU'RE PLANNING ON TAKING OUT

THE FENCE OVER THERE AND ASKING THE NEIGHBORS

TO GO IN HALFSIES WITH YOU, IT'S NOT GOING TO FIT.

- I'M SORRY. I KNOW IT'S SMALL.

- AND YOU GOT THIS BEAUTIFUL SHADE TREE RIGHT HERE.

YOU'RE GONNA WANT TO KEEP THAT. - I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT.

- LET ME TELL YOU WHAT YOU SHOULD DO.

LET ME BUMP OUT THE DECK, ALL RIGHT?

AND WE'LL PUT IN A NICE, SUNKEN HOT TUB, YOU KNOW?

AND MAYBE EVEN WE DO A LITTLE, UH, BARBECUE PIT RIGHT HERE.

I THINK IT'LL BE REAL NICE.

IT'LL BE AN OUTDOOR LIVING ROOM.

- OKAY. THAT'S FINE.

JUST DO THAT.

HOW FAST CAN YOU FINISH IT?

- WELL, IT'S THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER,

SO IT'S OUR BUSY SEASON. - I'LL PAY EXTRA.

- WELL, I STILL HAVE THREE JOBS AHEAD OF YOU.

- I'LL PAY DOUBLE.

- I WILL HAVE A CREW OUT HERE IN THE MORNING.

- HAPPY FIRST DAY OF SUMMER. - AND TO YOU.

- SO WE'LL DO A HOT TUB.

- ♪ EVERYBODY'S COOLER WITH A POOL ♪

♪ BE COOL WITH COOL POOLS ♪

IS THAT YOUR NEW LOVER?

IS THAT WHY I'M SLEEPING ON MY SISTER'S COUCH?

- I'M GOING TO BUMP OUT THE DECK AND PUT IN A HOT TUB.

- I THOUGHT WE WERE SAVING FOR NEW CLOSET SYSTEMS.

CATHERINE, I DON'T KNOW WHO YOU ARE ANYMORE.

- WHY ARE YOU HERE?

- I CAME TO GET THE HEATING PAD YOU USE FOR YOUR CRAMPS.

FEEL THAT. - THAT'S A BIG KNOT.

- YEAH. COULD YOU JUST RUB IT FOR ME FOR ONE SECOND?

JUST ONE?

OH, GOD, THAT FEELS SO GOOD.

OH, GET IN THERE.

OH, HONEY, CAN WE PLEASE FIX THIS?

I MISS YOU SO MUCH.

AND I'M SO SORRY ABOUT WHAT HAPPENED.

- I'M SORRY, PAUL. I HAVE TO GO.

I HAVE AN APPOINTMENT WITH A DERMATOLOGIST.

- CAN WE JUST HAVE DINNER OR SOMETHING?

CAN WE AT THE VERY LEAST FIGURE OUT

WHAT WE'RE GONNA TELL ADAM TOMORROW?

'CAUSE RIGHT NOW MY STORY IS "ADAM, YOUR MOM'S A MEANIE!"

- OKAY. DINNER.

WE DIDN'T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY GROWING UP,

BUT WE DID HAVE A POOL IN OUR BACKYARD.

[laughs]

MY BROTHER AND I,

WE WOULD SPEND ALL SUMMER IN IT MAKING UP DIVES.

MY SIGNATURE WAS THE BANANA SPLIT AND DIVE.

- SOUNDS FUN.

- EXCEPT WHEN SEAN WOULD HOLD ME UNDER THE WATER

AND FART ON MY FACE.

[chuckles]

OH, HELLO, BREAST.

HOW LONG HAS THAT BEEN HAPPENING?

- DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE.

- WELL, SCREW YOU.

ANYWAY, IN REGARDS TO YOUR QUESTION,

I DON'T THINK I WANT TO DO THAT.

I--JUST--I'VE ALWAYS REALLY LOVED MY HAIR.

I CRY EVERY TIME I GET IT CUT.

- YOU WON'T NECESSARILY LOSE YOUR HAIR.

- MY NOSE IS ANOTHER STORY.

IF YOU TOLD ME I WAS GOING TO LOSE MY NOSE...

WHAT'S THAT?

- SOME INFORMATION ON ALTERNATIVE TREATMENTS

FOR MELANOMA.

- WELL, CRAP. THOUGHT IT WAS A CURE.

- HOW'S YOUR HUSBAND FEEL? - I HAVEN'T TOLD HIM YET.

- WOW.

- I'M JUST KIND OF A PRIVATE PERSON.

EXCEPT AROUND YOU.

[laughs] I CAN'T SEEM TO SHUT UP AROUND YOU.

- HERE. THESE ARE SOME TIPS ON HOW TO TALK TO LOVED ONES.

A LOT OF PEOPLE FIND IT VERY DIFFICULT.

- ARE YOU MARRIED? - NO.

BUT I THINK I'D WANT TO KNOW.

- I WAS GOING TO TELL HIM.

AND THEN WHEN I GOT HOME,

THERE WERE 15 MEN IN MY HOUSE PLAYING VIDEO GAMES.

PAUL WAS DRUNK AND PEEING IN THE FRONT YARD.

I FOUND MYSELF SAYING

"I THINK I NEED TO BE ALONE FOR A WHILE."

- UM, SOME SUPPORT GROUPS YOU MIGHT BE INTERESTED IN.

- I JUST GOT THIS IMAGE OF WHEN YOU DO GET MARRIED.

YOU AND YOUR BRIDE STANDING AT THE ALTAR

PASSING BROCHURES BACK AND FORTH.

- TELL SOMEONE, CATHY.

- THE FIRST DAY OF SUMMER IN MINNEAPOLIS.

DON'T MAKE IT OUR LAST.

'SCUSE ME, YOU GUYS GOT A MINUTE TO HELP SAVE THE PLANET?

NO? ALL RIGHT, WHEN YOU GET THAT PLASTIC HOME,

PUT IT OVER YOUR DAUGHTER'S HEAD AND SUFFOCATE HER WITH IT

'CAUSE YOU'RE DESTROYING HER FUTURE!

- DID YOU GO TO BUSINESS SCHOOL

TO LEARN TO APPEAL TO PEOPLE LIKE THAT?

- UH, NO. I WENT TO SHUT THE FUCK UP TECHNICAL INSTITUTE.

- I'LL BET YOU WERE FIRST IN YOUR CLASS.

- NO, BUT I SLEPT WITH HER. - LOVELY. GET IN THE CAR.

- COME BACK AND PICK ME UP ON A BIKE.

- I'VE GOT SOMETHING TO TELL YOU.

- GO TELL IT ON A MOUNTAIN.

- GET IN THE DAMN CAR, SEAN!

- LEAST YOU COULD DO IS BUY A HYBRID.

- LEAST YOU COULD DO IS TAKE A SHOWER.

- EXCUSE ME, SIR, I'LL TAKE THAT FOR YOU.

- OH, OKAY. THANK YOU.

- GROSS. - I KNOW YOU ARE.

- I WOULD'VE BOUGHT YOU A MEAL.

- WE THROW AWAY A TON OF FOOD IN THIS COUNTRY

EVERY SINGLE DAY.

AND NOT A FIGURATIVE TON. AN ACTUAL TON.

BESIDES, I WOULDN'T WANT TO TAKE FOOD

OUT OF THE MOUTHS OF ALL THOSE TAPEWORMS YOU'RE FEEDING.

- NEVER COMMENT ON A WOMAN'S MEAL.

- SO WHAT DID YOU WANT TO TELL ME?

- YOU'RE AN ASSHOLE.

- I DON'T WANT THIS.

- IT'S JUST SOME MONEY JUST TO TUCK AWAY.

- [robotic voice] I DO NOT WANT IT.

[normal voice] HAVE WE MET?

- YOU DON'T HAVE TO SPEND IT.

JUST IN CASE YOU WANT TO GET AN APARTMENT.

- I FEEL LIKE I'M ON A TRAIN IN EUROPE,

AND YOU'RE A LITTLE GERMAN MAN, AND I'M ME,

AND WE'RE SITTING ACROSS FROM EACH OTHER,

AND WE'RE TALKING

BUT NEITHER OF US REALLY UNDERSTANDS THE OTHER ONE.

- I UNDERSTAND THAT YOU LOVE SHOCKING PEOPLE

AND YOU THINK LIVING LIKE THIS IS A GOOD IDEA RIGHT NOW.

BUT JUST DO ME A FAVOR AND TAKE IT.

- OKAY. I'LL GIVE IT TO THE SALVATION ARMY.

- NO, YOU WILL NOT.

YOU WILL NOT GIVE IT TO THE SALVATION ARMY.

NO. STOP IT.

- OH, RELAX. SHE'S MY SISTER.

YOU WANT ME TO HAVE IT AS LONG AS I DO WHAT YOU WANT ME TO DO.

- I WANT YOU TO SPEND IT ON YOURSELF.

I WANT YOU TO BE HAPPY.

- NO, YOU WANT TO BE HAPPY

AND YOU THINK THIS'LL DO IT FOR YOU.

THIS ISN'T ABOUT ME. I'M FREAKING ECSTATIC.

[scoffs] I WISH YOU KNEW WHAT THAT FELT LIKE.

- WHAT DOES THAT MEAN? YOU DON'T THINK I'M HAPPY?

- NO, NO. I DON'T WANT TO BE A JUDGE,

'CAUSE THAT'S YOUR THING.

BUT EIGHT OUT OF THE TEN TIMES I SAW YOU LAST YEAR

ALL YOU COULD TALK ABOUT

WAS WHETHER YOU'RE GONNA BUY A COUCH FROM CRATE AND BARREL

OR POTTERY FARM.

- BARN. - LIKE I CARE.

ONE WAS CHEAPER, BUT THE OTHER ONE HAD A NICER FABRIC.

AND ULTIMATELY YOU DECIDED TO STICK WITH THE ONE

YOU ALREADY HAD 'CAUSE IT WAS A SAFE NEUTRAL

WITH A FEW GOOD YEARS STILL LEFT IN IT.

GOD, AM I GLAD YOU WORKED THROUGH THAT!

- THAT DOESN'T MEAN I'M NOT HAPPY.

- OH, GOOD. THEN YOU ARE JUST REALLY FUCKING BORING.

- I WANTED A NEW COUCH BECAUSE YOU SPILLED FRUIT PUNCH

WHILE YOU WERE BOUNCING ON THE CUSHIONS.

- NOT BOUNCING. RIVERDANCING.

I AM CRAVING THE PASTA.

BUT I LOVE THEIR CHICKEN.

SO I WAS THINKING MAYBE YOU GET THE PASTA,

I GET THE CHICKEN, WE SPLIT.

- WHAT 45-YEAR-OLD MAN DANCES ON A COUCH SOBER?

- WHO SAID I WAS SOBER?

- NOW I HAVE TO REVERSE THE CUSHIONS.

I HAVE TO HIDE THE STAIN.

I USED TO LIE AWAKE AT NIGHT UPSET

BECAUSE EVEN THOUGH YOU COULDN'T SEE THE STAINS

I KNEW THEY WERE THERE.

- WELL, THAT'S WHY I TOLD YOU TO GO AHEAD

AND PICK OUT A NEW COUCH.

- I DON'T WANT TO BE THE ONE TO PICK OUT THE NEW COUCH.

I WANT TO BE THE ONE TO SPILL THE FRUIT PUNCH.

- BUT YOU'RE NOT THE "SPILLING THE FRUIT PUNCH" TYPE.

- DO YOU THINK I'M BORING?

- JUST PLEASE TELL ME WHAT I HAVE TO DO

TO GET BACK IN THE HOUSE.

- YOU DO. YOU THINK I'M BORING.

- I DO NOT.

LOOK, IT'S JUST THE WAY THAT OUR PERSONALITIES BREAK DOWN.

I LIKE TO DO CERTAIN THINGS THAT SOME PEOPLE

MIGHT CATEGORIZE AS FUN,

AND YOU LIKE TO OTHER THINGS THAT PEOPLE MIGHT CONSIDER LESS

THAN AN OPTIMAL GOOD TIME.

- LIKE WHAT?

- LIKE ORGANIZE STUFF, AND--AND CLEAN STUFF,

AND PUT THINGS IN CONTAINERS.

- I WANTED TO BE THE FUN ONE.

I WANTED THE HOUSE WITH THE POOL,

SO I COULD TEACH ADAM THE BANANA SPLIT AND DIVE.

BUT YOU WANTED TO BE CLOSER TO YOUR JOB

SO YOU COULD VESPA TO WORK.

- AND YOU SAID IT WAS A BETTER IDEA

BECAUSE SO MANY PEOPLE DIE IN POOLS.

- PEOPLE DIE EVERYWHERE.

I SAID IT WAS A BETTER IDEA BECAUSE YOU THREW A TANTRUM

IN FRONT OF THE REALTOR.

- I MADE MY POINT IN AN EMOTIONAL WAY, SURE.

- YOU MADE YOUR POINT IN A CHILDISH WAY.

- WELL, MAYBE I WOULDN'T ACT LIKE SUCH A KID

IF YOU DIDN'T ASK ME IF I NEEDED TO PEE

EVERY TIME WE LEAVE THE HOUSE.

- SO MAYBE I WOULDN'T TREAT YOU LIKE SUCH A CHILD

IF EVERY TIME I MADE YOU A SANDWICH,

YOU DIDN'T ASK ME TO CUT THE CRUSTS OFF THE BREAD.

- OH, SUE ME, I LOVE A CRUSTLESS SANDWICH.

- WELL, I LOVE ONIONS.

I HAVEN'T HAD AN ONION IN 15 YEARS

BECAUSE YOU SAY THEY'RE STINKY POO-POO.

- THEY ARE!

COME ON, CATHY, ARE YOU HONESTLY TELLING ME

THAT I'M SLEEPING ON MY SISTER'S COUCH

BECAUSE YOU WANT TO START COOKING WITH ONIONS AGAIN?

- [whispers] YES, PAUL. THAT'S IT.

I WANT ONIONS TO BE A MAJOR PART OF MY LIFE

IN THE NEXT YEAR.

- ARE YOU READY TO ORDER?

- I'M JUST HAVING DESSERTS AND LIQUOR.

- YOUR MONEY OR YOUR LIFE! - OH, MY GOD!

- GET ON THE GROUND! - PLEASE DON'T HURT ME!

- HANDS BEHIND YOUR HEAD! - DON'T HURT ME! I HAVE A CHILD!

- HEY, MOM. DID YOU MISS ME?

- THAT'S NOT FUNNY!

- IT'S KIND OF FUNNY FROM THIS SIDE.

- WHY ARE YOU HOME?

- BRENT'S PARENTS JUST DROVE REALLY FAST.

SOME VACATION. THEY FOUGHT THE ENTIRE TIME.

WHERE'S DAD?

- HE'S--HE'S STAYING AT AUNT LISA'S.

- WHY?

- SOMETIMES ADULTS JUST NEED A LITTLE BREATHING SPACE.

- JESUS. WHAT DID YOU DO? - WHAT DOES THAT MEAN?

DON'T SAY "JESUS." - JESUS.

ARE YOU GONNA GET A DIVORCE?

- HONEY, EVERYTHING'S GONNA BE FINE.

WE'RE--WE'RE BUILDING A DECK TO THE HOUSE

WITH A HOT TUB SO YOU AND YOUR FRIE--

- I DON'T LIKE HOT TUBS. - YOU DON'T?

- NO. YOU SAID THEY'RE LIKE SITTING

IN A GIANT PETRI DISH,

EVERYBODY'S GERMS CRAWLING UP IN YOUR BUTT HOLE.

- PRETTY SURE I DIDN'T SAY BUTT HOLE.

YOU'RE TIRED. GO TO BED. - JESUS.

- NO, BRIAN, YOU'RE NOT UNDERSTANDING.

- I-I-I WANT--I WANT A POOL. NOT A HOT TUB. A POOL.

- OKAY, BRIAN, LET ME CALL YOU BACK.

- DIG A HOLE AS DEEP AND AS WIDE AS YOU POSSIBLY CAN.

CUT DOWN THE SHADE TREE.

DIG RIGHT UP TO THE HOUSE

SO THAT I CAN DIVE INTO THE POOL FROM MY PORCH.

NOW, I'LL PAY YOU OVERTIME.

BUT IF YOU DON'T WANT THE JOB, I'LL GET SOMEBODY ELSE.

IT'S NO SKIN OFF MY NOSE. I HAVE NO LOYALTY TO YOU.

WE JUST MET.

- HEY, LADY, IF THAT'S WHAT YOU WANT,

I WILL GET A DIGGER OUT HERE THIS AFTERNOON.

- GREAT.

GET YOUR DIGGER OUT HERE.

BIGGER YOUR DIGGER, THE BETTER.

- BRING IT BACK.

- I'M SORRY. I'M CATHY.

IT'S WEIRD, I'VE LIVED ACROSS THE STREET FROM YOU

FOR FIVE YEARS. I NEVER GOT YOUR NAME.

I APOLOGIZE FOR THAT.

YOU KNOW, THERE--THERE'S A DOG PARK PRETTY CLOSE TO HERE.

MY SON COULD--

WELL, GUESS WHO'S NOT GOING TO SWIM IN MY POOL.

[school bell rings]

[clicking]

- ARE YOU GONNA TEACH US ANYTHING TODAY?

- HAVE I EVER TAUGHT YOU ANYTHING?

REALLY?

THIS IS SUMMER SCHOOL, SO I GUESS THE ANSWER'S OBVIOUS.

ANYBODY EVER SEEN THE PATRIOT?

ITS DEPICTION OF THE AMERICAN REVOLUTION

IS ABOUT 20% ACCURATE AT BEST.

BUT IF YOU UNDERSTOOD THIS VERSION AS TRUTH,

YOU'D STILL KNOW MORE ABOUT THAT TIME IN HISTORY

THAN 99% OF AMERICANS.

AND MEL GIBSON IS MEDIUM GOOD. ENJOY.

[door closes]

YOU'RE LATE AGAIN, ANDREA.

- YEAH, BUT I FIGURED SINCE YOU USUALLY SPEND

THE FIRST TEN MINUTES OF EVERY CLASS

TRYING TO GET TO YOUR POINT,

I DIDN'T MISS A WHOLE LOT.

"CLASS CHAPTER ONE. OOP. SORRY, CHAPTER TWO.

SORRY. SORRY. SORRY." [laughter]

- FUNNY. COME GET YOUR TEST.

YOU CAN'T BE FAT AND MEAN, ANDREA.

- WHAT? - YOU HEARD ME.

IF YOU'RE GONNA DISH IT OUT,

YOU GOT TO BE ABLE TO LICK IT UP.

FAT PEOPLE ARE JOLLY FOR A REASON.

FAT REPELS PEOPLE, BUT JOY ATTRACTS THEM.

NOW, I KNOW EVERYONE'S LAUGHING AT YOUR CRUEL JOKES,

BUT NOBODY'S INVITING YOU TO THE PROM.

SO YOU CAN EITHER BE FAT AND JOLLY

OR A SKINNY BITCH.

IT'S UP TO YOU.

SIT DOWN.

WE'RE WATCHING A MOVIE.

- STARVING MY FACE OFF.

- HELP ME CUT.

I AM MAKING CHILI. YOUR FAVORITE.

- NOT WITH ONIONS IN IT. - YOU'VE NEVER EVEN TRIED THEM.

- WE HAD SUSHI ON VACATION. IT WAS AWESOME.

I AM A WARRIOR. THIS IS MY WEAPON.

I WILL TEACH YOU MANY THINGS.

- HEY! CAREFUL WITH THAT.

- OH. JEEZ! I CUT MY FINGER OFF!

[affected crying] - OH. HERE.

- I JUST, LIKE, CUT IT OFF. - HOLD THIS VERY TIGHT.

- OKAY. - VERY TIGHT.

GET INTO THE CAR. WE WILL GO TO THE HOSPITAL.

- OKAY.

- AH. AHA!

NAH! MM.

- MOM!

- THAT WASN'T FUNNY! - LET'S TAKE A VOTE.

- I'LL DISCUSS YOUR PUNISHMENT WITH YOUR DAD.

- LET ME KNOW HOW THAT GOES.

- DID YOU NOT FLUSH THE TOILET?

- IT WON'T FLUSH.

- WELL, DID YOU TRY AND PLUNGE IT?

- YOU PLUNGE IT. I'M GONNA GO EAT AT BRENT'S.

[siren blares]

- WHAT'S THE PROBLEM? - THIS YOUR HOUSE?

- NO, I LIVE IN THE NEXT TOWN OVER.

I JUST LIKE TO WALK AROUND IN MY ROBE.

- WELL, TIGHTEN YOUR BELT 'CAUSE YOUR BOOB'S HANDING OUT.

YOU DON'T HAVE PERMITS FOR THIS JOB.

- SO? I'M NOT BOTHERING ANYONE.

- ONE OF YOUR NEIGHBORS COMPLAINED.

- WHICH ONE?

[dog whines]

- OH, GOD. I AM SO SORRY.

- YOU CAN'T JUST WALK INTO MY HOUSE.

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I CAN DO.

- YOU'RE A PAIN IN THE ASS. - YOU'RE A FUCKING CUNT.

- GET OUT!

- YOU HAVE NEVER SAID HELLO TO ME.

YOU HAVE NEVER SMILED EVEN A LITTLE BIT.

AND YOU SIT OUT THERE AND YOU SCOWL

AT EVERYBODY THAT WALKS BY YOUR RUNDOWN HOUSE

THAT LOOKS LIKE SHIT

AND SMELLS LIKE CHICKEN THAT YOU FRIED 23 YEARS AGO.

THEN I DO ONE SMALL CONSTRUCTION PROJECT

AND YOU HAVE TO GO BEHIND MY BACK.

AND I REALLY-- I WANTED TO TEACH MY SON

THE BANANA SPLIT AND DIVE,

BECAUSE I DON'T HAVE A LOT OF TIME.

SUMMERS IN MINNEAPOLIS, THEY ARE VERY SHORT.

THEY ARE HERE AND THEN IT'S OVER.

IT'S JUST OVER.

AND I CANNOT TELL YOU HOW MAD THAT MAKES ME.

[dog whines] I'M SO SORRY.

- MY HUSBAND BUILT THIS HOUSE!

AND HE LOVED PUTTERING AROUND IN THE YARD.

I ACCUSED HIM OF LOVING THAT LAWN

MORE THAN ME ONCE.

- HMM. LET ME GUESS-- - HE DIED.

AND ALL MY FRIENDS ARE DEAD.

SO I JUST SIT OUT THERE AND WAIT UNTIL I CAN SEE THEM AGAIN.

SORRY I'M NOT IN A BETTER MOOD.

- WELL, IF YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING TO BE WAITING

AT LEAST ONE MORE DAY, DO YOUR NEIGHBORS A FAVOR

AND MOW YOUR FUCKING GRASS.

- [grunts]

PLEASE KISS MY BIG ONION MOUTH.

- NO.

- 'CAUSE THEY'RE STINKY, AREN'T THEY?

- THEY'RE STINKY.

- FROM NOW ON, IT'S ALL ABOUT YOU.

HOWEVER LONG IT TAKES-- FOREVER--YOU.

[phone rings]

[Cathy on answering machine] MAKE OUR DAY. LEAVE A MESSAGE.

[beep] - HI, CATHY, IT'S DR. MILLER.

TODD. UM, I'M JUST CALLING TO CHECK IN, SEE HOW YOU ARE.

I'VE BEEN THINKING ABOUT YOU...A LOT.

ANYWAY, CALL ME.

- WHO'S THAT?

I'VE BEEN MEANING TO...

TALK TO YOU ABOUT SOMETHING.

- ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

SO THIS IS WHY YOU NEED YOUR SPACE?

THIS IS WHAT YOU MEAN BY FUN?

A LITTLE DOCTOR FUN ON THE SIDE?

WELL, YOU ARE NOT BORING ANYMORE, CATHERINE.

I'LL GIVE YOU THAT. JESUS.

HOW COULD YOU DO THIS TO ME?

[door closes]

- WELL, EVENTUALLY, YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO TELL HIM.

- MAYBE YOU CAN TELL HIM FOR ME.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, YOU HAVE MORE PRACTICE

GIVING OUT THIS KIND OF NEWS.

DOES IT GET EASIER? DO YOU LIKE IT?

DOES IT GIVE YOU A BIT OF A GOD COMPLEX?

- YOU'RE MY FIRST.

- REALLY?

- WELL, I-I-I MEAN I'VE BEEN IN ON OTHER DIAGNOSES

WITH OTHER DOCTORS, YOU KNOW, IN MY TRAINING.

- HOW OLD ARE YOU? - 31.

- OH, HOLY SHIT. SHOWS YOU HOW GOOD MY INSURANCE IS.

I GET THE NEW GUY.

SO AS YOUR FIRST, HOW WAS I?

- WELL, THE FIRST THING YOU SAID WAS "IT'S OKAY."

I THINK YOU WERE MORE WORRIED ABOUT ME.

- IT'S A BAD HABIT OF MINE.

IT TAKES 28 DAYS TO BREAK A HABIT, RIGHT?

I HAVE THAT.

- SO HOW WAS I?

- VERY PROFESSIONAL AND MATTER-OF-FACT,

BUT DETAILED.

YOU DUMBED IT DOWN ENOUGH TO BE CLEAR,

BUT NOT INSULTING.

AND UNDERNEATH IT ALL, YOU SEEMED SAD.

AND I APPRECIATED THAT.

BUT AFTER YOU LEFT THE ROOM,

I HEARD YOU JOKING WITH THE NURSE

ABOUT PUTTING THE DONUTS TOO CLOSE TO THE URINE SAMPLE

AND IS THAT WHAT YOU WERE SUPPOSED TO WASH IT DOWN WITH.

- YOU HEARD THAT? - MADE ME DOUBT YOUR SINCERITY.

- THIN WALLS. I'LL REMEMBER THAT.

- YOU'LL REMEMBER MORE THAN THAT.

- YOU THINK? - OF COURSE.

YOU ALWAYS REMEMBER YOUR FIRST.

[school bell rings]

- ARE YOU SMOKING? - DID YOU JUST DO A CARTWHEEL?

- I WANT YOU TO THINK OF EVERY ONE OF THESE YOU SMOKE

AS TAKING SIX MONTHS OFF OF YOUR LIFE.

- YOU KNOW WHAT, I'D RATHER BE SKINNY

AND DIE YOUNG THAN BE FAT FOREVER.

WHAT CAN I SAY? FAT CAMP DIDN'T WORK FOR ME.

- YEAH, WELL, THERE HAVE GOT TO BE OTHER OPTIONS.

- THE BLOOD SUGAR DIET. THE PROTEIN DIET.

THE STARVATION DIET.

THE PRETENDING I JUST DON'T CARE STRATEGY.

YOU KNOW WHAT, YOU WOULD BE MEAN TOO.

- YOU JUST NEED MOTIVATION. - OH, I'M HEALED!

THANKS, MRS. JAMISON. I SHOULD'VE COME TO YOU SOONER.

- I'LL PAY YOU 100 BUCKS FOR EVERY POUND YOU LOSE.

HERE. HERE'S A GOOD FAITH...

$23.

WE MEET IN THE GYM EVERY FRIDAY AT 2:00 FOR WEIGH-INS.

IF YOU SMELL LIKE A CIGARETTE, THE DEAL IS OFF.

- THIS SKINNY BITCH WILL SEE YOU ON FRIDAY THEN.

- MY NAME'S MARLENE. MY DOG'S NAME IS THOMAS.

HE DOESN'T LIKE WALKING 'CAUSE HE'S GOT A THING

ON HIS TOE, BUT THANKS FOR THE OFFER.

- NICE TO MEET YOU, MARLENE.

- CAN I BORROW YOUR LAWNMOWER? MINE'S DEAD.

ADD IT TO THE LIST.

- SURE. I'LL HAVE MY SON BRING IT OVER.

MARLENE...

IF YOU WERE READY TO GO,

DID YOU EVER THINK ABOUT JUST GOING?

- THINK ABOUT IT ALL THE TIME, BUT I JUST KEEP WAKING UP.

- YOU CALL ME ANY TIME DAY OR NIGHT.

IT DOESN'T MATTER. YOU UNDERSTAND?

CALL ME WHEN WE'RE TOGETHER. CALL ME RIGHT NOW.

CALL ME RIGHT NOW.

IT'S A PHONE TOO. - I KNOW.

- I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.

- MOM!

[knocks] MOM.

- OH, MY GOD.

[screams]

[screams]

- WHY AREN'T YOU LAUGHING? - NO! NO WAY! NO WAY! YOU SUCK!

- SOME DAY, I AM GOING TO BE DEAD.

AND AS A COURTESY TO THE WORLD,

I DON'T WANT TO LEAVE THEM THE GUY

WHO DOESN'T KNOW HOW TO GET HIS SHIT TO FLUSH.

AND LET ME BE CLEAR,

YOUR DAD ISN'T LIVING HERE BECAUSE I ONLY WANTED

TO RAISE ONE KID AND I CHOSE YOU.

AND FROM NOW ON, I'M GOING TO RAISE YOU SO HARD,

YOUR HEAD'S GONNA SPIN.

COME ON.

- GET OFF ME. WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

- SORRY. IT'S NOT SUSHI.

THE INSTRUCTIONS ARE IN THE NAME.

PLUNGE-HER.

WHERE'D YOU GET THAT?

- DAD GAVE IT TO ME. - I DON'T THINK SO.

- MOM. GIVE ME MY PHONE BACK.

MOM. MOM, COME ON. OPEN THE DOOR.

THIS ISN'T COOL. SERIOUSLY. COME ON.

[The Staple Singers' I'll Take You There plays]

- LET ME OUT.

THIS ISN'T COOL!

♪ ♪

- MOM, THIS IS-- THIS IS NOT FUNNY.

SERIOUSLY, LET ME OUT RIGHT NOW.

[The Staple Singers' I'll Take You There continues]

♪ ♪

MOM, COME ON. COME ON, SERIOUSLY.

THIS ISN'T FUNNY!

- I BROUGHT YOU SOME CHILI.

- I WANT FOR NOTHING. - IT'S LEFTOVERS.

I WAS GONNA THROW IT AWAY.

- TAKE A PICTURE. IT LASTS LONGER.

YOU WEARING A ROBE?

- I NEVER NOTICED WHAT A HANDSOME GUY YOU ARE.

NO WONDER MY FRIEND HOLLY HAD SUCH A CRUSH ON YOU

IN HIGH SCHOOL.

SHE'D COME OVER TO HANG OUT.

I'D CATCH HER IN YOUR ROOM STARING AT YOUR CLOTHES.

- I NEVER KNEW THAT.

- IT GROSSED ME OUT TO THINK OF YOU TWO TOGETHER

SO I TOLD HER YOU WERE GAY.

- OH, WELL.

I GUESS SHE THINKS SHE LOST HER VIRGINITY TO A GAY GUY THEN.

- NO WAY. - WAY.

- [laughs]

OH, I'M GONNA BURN MY COUCH IN THE BACKYARD ON FRIDAY

IF YOU WANT TO COME OVER FOR A BONFIRE.

- STARTING TO GET YOUR WEIRD BACK, SIS.

- YOU HAVE NO IDEA.

[starts engine]

[The Staple Singers' I'll Take You There plays]

♪ ♪

- ♪ MERCY, MERCY ♪

♪ I'LL TAKE YOU THERE ♪

- AND I COULD DO CHEMO,

BUT I'D JUST BE BUYING A LITTLE MORE TIME

AND IT WOULD MEAN A LOT OF PEOPLE

TAKING CARE OF ME

AND IT'S JUST NOT MY THING.

YOU KNOW WHAT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER THOUGH,

IF I'M BEING HONEST?

IT MAKES ME FEEL BETTER

TO THINK THAT WE'RE ALL DYING.

ALL OF US.

AND WHEN YOU HAVE A KID,

YOU EXPECT THAT YOU'LL DIE BEFORE THEY DO.

I MEAN, EVEN THOUGH YOU TRY NOT TO THINK ABOUT IT,

AT LEAST YOU HOPE TO GOD YOU DO.

SO IF I THINK ABOUT IT THAT WAY...

HEY...

I'M LIVING THE DREAM!

I'M HERE ALL YEAR!

PERFORMING AT STAGE FOUR.

[laughs]

OH, COME ON. COME ON.

YOU GOT TO GIVE IT UP FOR ME A LITTLE BIT.

IT'S KIND OF FUNNY. DEATH COMEDY.

HA HA.

I'M WARNING YOU THAT THIS LAUGHTER

MIGHT TURN INTO A SOB IN A SECOND.

YEAH. THERE IT GOES.

AS LONG AS I'M BEING RAW AND VULNERABLE HERE,

I MIGHT AS WELL TELL YOU

THAT I'M FEELING VERY MUCH IN LOVE WITH YOU RIGHT NOW.

IT COULD JUST BE GRATITUDE.

YOU WANT TO SEE MY BOOBS?

NO ONE ELSE SEEMS TO GIVE A SHIT.

[This Little Light of Mine plays]

- ♪ THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE ♪

♪ THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE ♪

♪ THIS LITTLE LIGHT OF MINE ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE ♪

♪ LET IT SHINE ♪

♪ LET IT SHINE TO SHOW MY LOVE ♪

♪ I WANNA TELL YOU THAT ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE I GO ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE ♪

♪ AND EVERYWHERE I GO ♪

♪ I'M GONNA LET IT SHINE ♪

♪ EVERYWHERE I GO ♪

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