Original subtitles

WINCHELL: This is Walter Winchell speaking to you from Broadway,

the big street in the big town.

Take a good look at it.

Just a lot of cold, impersonal buildings,

hustling, impersonal crowds and flashing, impersonal lights.

But watch those lights.

Every time one flashes on or off, somebody makes a million dollars,

or loses a million dollars or begs for a dime,

or breaks his heart.

Sure, just a big street in the big town,

but with a personality, with an impact,

like a beautiful woman you see once for a few seconds,

and then can never forget.

That's the way Damon Runyon felt about this street.

Lindy's restaurant was his observation tower.

Here he used to meet with his colorful crew of friends.

He made small talk with celebrities and big talk with busboys,

and he sat drinking coffee and trading stories far into the night.

And then, when the morning fog

would start to roll in across the East River, the city would awaken.

The sun and the early risers would start to whip up a fresh batch of daylight,

and as the rest of the town turned out to pound the pavements,

Damon Runyon turned in to pound his typewriter,

to write about the guys and dolls he met on Broadway,

like Harry the Horse, Dancing Dan, Apple Annie,

or, for instance, take the Broadway bookie,

who made his living accepting bets on horse races.

Hey, that's my penny!

Identify it.

It's got a picture of Abraham Lincoln.

You kids with college educations.

WINCHELL: This is Sorrowful Jones, who fell in love

with money at the age of six,

and they've been going steady ever since.

Hiya, Blinky. Hiya, Sorrowful.

Who do you like today?

Dreamy Joe in the second at Delington.

Here. Two bucks to win.

You got it.

The pencil, Sorrowful. That ain't for free.

You've been eating carrots again.

Hi, men. BOTH: Hello, Sorrowful.

Who do you like today?

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

Seven to five.

(SPEAKING CANTONESE)

Ten to one.

Ngo mai... Five dollar, Dreamy Joe to win.

Dreamy Joe. You got it.

Next time, put a little starch in these, will ya?

(ALL SPEAKING CANTONESE)

ALL: Which means, "Weather clear, track fast." I'll be back.

Hello, Sorrowful. What goes today, Happy?

I kind of like Sudden Death in the last race.

- Hunch bet? - But I'll bet two on Dreamy Joe to win.

Two on Dreamy Joe. Everybody wants Dreamy Joe.

Must be a hot tip. I'll be seeing you.

What am I saying?

Anything hot today, Nick?

I got a fin riding on Dreamy Joe.

A fin? Hmm. Who'd you roll?

(HUMMING)

Hey, get these things sharpened.

They're ruining all my shirts.

WINCHELL: When Sorrowful Jones enters this doorway,

he enters another world.

A world of wise money and dumb animals,

where your bankroll can go faster than any horse in any race.

This is Sorrowful's place of business.

It's called a horse room,

and if the police knew about it they'd close it,

because betting on horses is against the law,

(CHUCKLING) except at racetracks.

Where you been? Out pickin' up a load of the green stuff.

What a beautiful color.

One hundred and twenty-six bucks, and almost all of it

on a dog who'd make better time if the jockey carried him.

Such as? Such as Dreamy Joe in the second.

Boss, the second race is over.

Dreamy Joe won. How do you feel?

Well, I had a headache when I got up this morning,

but after pickin' up all this easy dough, I...

Don't tell me.

My headache's back.

(CHUCKLES) Dreamy Joe.

Twenty, 40, 55.

Wouldn't you like to bet it all on the next race?

Come on, come on. Shell out.

That kind of money will never bring you any happiness.

Me either.

Hey, Sorrowful.

Hey, don't bother him. He's busy givin' blood.

I'll bother him.

Big Steve would like you should

come over to his cafe.

Right away. Pay off.

Hey, doesn't Big Steve own Dreamy Joe?

On which I have $10 riding with you at 11 to one.

What'd he do, tip everybody on the street except me?

When Big Steve wants to see you,

it's very healthy to pay him a call.

How do you like that Big Steve and his Dreamy Joe?

Takes me over like I was a sucker, a tourist.

He knew Dreamy Joe was gonna win.

It was a boat race, a big frame.

They oughta bar guys like that from racin'.

And now he wants to see me.

Well, if he wants to see me, let him come over here.

I'm not afraid of...

You're so right.

You better date the dummy, Sorrowful. She doesn't have to eat.

Well!

Well, it doesn't cost a cent to say "Hello."

Hello, Gladys O'Neill.

You know, it's been almost four years since I saw you, Sorrowful,

but I recognize the suit.

Well, it's been lucky for me, up to now.

Some people seem to forget what

some people used to spend on some people.

"Spend"? Where did you ever learn that word?

I always figured you invented the Dutch treat.

Now wait a minute.

I'd like to have a nickel for every bottle

of champagne I bought you.

I was more naive then. I believed you could make champagne

by mixing ginger ale and rubbing alcohol.

It was not rubbing alcohol.

Look at those beautiful violets.

Twenty-five cents a bunch to you, mister.

Come on. They've got dangerous thorns.

Yeah, same old Sorrowful.

You got me wrong. I'm a big man now.

Since we folded in the Gaieties, I've been going places in show business.

I hear it's win, place and show business.

So I'm hustlin' bets. It's a living. Practically honest.

Well, I have to make a living too, and this is it.

Hey. Nice picture. Beautiful job of retouching.

I've been here four months. I wondered why

you didn't drop by, just for old times' sake.

Well, I understood you were goin' with Big Steve,

and I happen to know Big Steve.

Oh.

Well, Steve doesn't like me to have other boyfriends,

but I could tell him you were my aunt.

Lookee here. Lookee here!

(PIANO PLAYING)

Hey.

Look, fun is fun, but Big Steve can get awful nasty.

Yeah, well, while I'm here, I thought I'd drop in and see him.

You don't think I'm afraid of Big Steve, do you?

Well, some people are.

Not me, kid. I can handle my fists.

Yes, I remember. While you were handling your fists,

somebody else was handling your head.

But you've never heard my courage questioned.

I never heard it mentioned.

Keep your baby blues on me. I'm a buzz saw.

Big Steve in there? MAN: Come in.

Hiya, fellas.

- Don't get up. - Sit down.

Well, every bookmaker in town is here, except Whitey.

By the way, Steve, whatever happened to Whitey?

I haven't seen Whitey since the two of you had the run in, in the back of...

Anybody takin' up a collection for Mrs. Whitey?

Sit down.

Okay, Steve, we're all here. What's on your mind?

I told a few small fry about Dreamy Joe today.

Guess you guys went for a bundle on him, huh?

Yeah. I got bit.

I was scarred.

Next week I'm giving the word to some important money.

What you trying to do? Run us out of town?

Just a minute. Let me finish.

Next time he runs, Dreamy Joe's gonna lose.

That's different.

But I want a thousand bucks apiece from you guys,

just for making him lose.

Thousand bucks? What do you need money for?

Ran into some bad dice last night. Need cash.

Anyhow, what are you bellyachin' about?

I pick up a few grand, you guys make a fortune.

Now, wait a minute, Steve.

How do we know you won't collect a grand from each of us

and then turn right around and...

And what, Sorrowful?

Yeah, and what, Sorrowful?

Well, you turn around and around,

and a fella can get dizzy that way.

You know, Sorrowful, you're a very suspicious man.

Hey, Doc, come here a minute.

Explain it to 'em.

Dreamy Joe wins only when I give him one of these speedballs.

It won't show up in the test.

Won't show up anyplace, except his heart.

One more speedball and he'll win the race,

but an hour later, he'll be dead.

We could give him a speedball now and he'd win,

but I'm waiting till I've got a big bankroll to bet on him.

So for now I'll just take a grand apiece,

and the next time out, Dreamy Joe loses.

That fair enough?

All right, boys.

Come up with a grand apiece. Sounds like a good deal.

It's okay for me.

Count me in.

I'll go for that.

Yeah.

Oh. You forgot to pay your fare.

I don't handle that kind of money.

I'm in a photograph finish with my landlady right now.

I hear different. I hear tell you're very thrifty.

No, no, I'm just... Just a little careful.

I have a little here.

Here's 115. I'll owe you the rest.

The 885 I suppose we'll have to get the hard way, huh?

What? No, I'm good. Where you goin'? Into the vault.

Oh! I didn't know I had it on. I...

I might have a little here. It's my mad money.

There's a G.

(SINGING)

(SLAPPING)

And don't let it happen again. Next time I'll lose my temper.

Hey, Sorrowful. Hmm?

You're bleeding.

Drop in again, but come before six.

That's when the prices change.

Pick it up, Joe.

(PIANO PLAYING)

(SINGING)

You're off-key, like always.

- Hi, Eddie. - Hiya, Sorrowful.

Patty. Hi, Sorrowful.

(SNEEZING)

Good evening, Miss Noonan. So, you're loaded with germs.

It must be drafty on that runway, huh? Yeah.

Say, the other day when Dreamy Joe won, I didn't get on him.

Next time out, I want five across the board.

Oh, wonderful animal, Dreamy Joe.

Great bloodlines. Like investing in a bank.

You better make it ten across. Ah, that's too much for me.

Ah! I'll give you the fifteen. Mmm-hmm.

Whoops! The law.

Oh, good evening, Mr. Reardon.

I presume you know Miss Agnes "Happy Hips" Noonan.

Yes, we're old paddy wagon friends.

Mr. Reardon is one of the finest.

In the wagon, he always sees that us ladies have the seats.

One of these nights, I'll walk in on you takin' a bet, Sorrowful.

Sir, are you insinuating that I would

break the law by takin' wagers on the races?

There is such a rumor around Broadway.

Yeah, well, I'm innocent. I'll lay you ten to one I never took a bet in my life.

Nice odds.

You couldn't ask for a nicer man to arrest you.

I give him all my business.

Now, what was that again? Five across? Yeah.

(WHISTLING)

Well, what does it look like? Dreamy Joe can't lose.

Big Steve is bettin' $10,000 to win.

Steve gave me the tip himself.

That's good enough for me.

Dreamy Joe, on the nose.

Five on Dreamy Joe to win.

Five to win on Green Demon.

House rules. No bets on credit.

Take your marker some place else. Where's Sorrowful?

(DOOR BUZZES)

Sorrowful, I gotta get down on Green Demon.

Will you take my marker for five?

Green Demon, eh? Jack, I was just down the poorhouse.

Conditions are terrible down there.

Bookmakers are sleeping three in a bed.

You know what they're using for blankets? Markers.

Don't get discouraged. Come back when you got a little money.

Always happy to see you.

Ten across on Dreamy Joe.

How's the action?

Everybody is tossing in on Dreamy Joe.

We better lay some off at the track.

Let's gamble. Book it all.

Last time you gambled, you bet Tuesday came after Monday

and you spent half an hour checkin' the calendar first.

I had to. I gave odds.

Twenty dollars on Dreamy Joe to win.

Look, mister, we don't take markers from

three kinds of people, men, women and children.

But I've already dropped my whole week's salary.

Get this dyed green and come back.

But I might not be in time for the race.

We'll tell the horses to slow down.

Next.

Hey.

Hey, somebody heist the kid up to the counter so she can make her bet.

Oh, this... Yeah. This is my little girl.

Aketay the idkay omehay.

But I don't wanna go home!

Hey, you're pretty smart.

I'm four years old and I can count to ten.

Yeah, that's big talk. Let's see you back it up.

Gimme something to count.

She's over four. Out. Out.

Look, Mr. Jones, I've got a watch here, sir,

that I paid over a hundred dollars for.

See? When you open it up, it plays Yankee Doodle.

Yeah, well, horses can't sing,

and they don't know what time it is.

Take the kid home.

Let's go, Daddy. I remember him in that book you read.

He's the monster.

Hey, watch your language.

I'm the boss here. I run this joint.

I got plenty of friends around on my side.

(STAMMERING) I'm sorry.

Yeah, well, what's...

Here. Here's a penny.

Even licorice costs two pennies.

Martha Jane!

Kid's right.

Here. There's a deuce. Go stuff yourself.

Thank you. Thank you very much.

Uh, Mr. Jones.

I've got a friend, sir, down the street that'll let me have the 20.

Hurry down. If you could let me place my bet now,

I'll leave Martha Jane here with you till I get back.

You see, Dreamy Joe's my only chance to get even.

Oh, you wanna bet on Dreamy Joe. Yeah.

Well.

That's a very solid filly. Should be good for 20 bucks easy.

Yeah, she oughta melt down for that much.

Take his marker. Thank you, Mr. Jones.

Martha Jane, you be a good little girl now.

Hey.

What happened? Did he pull a gun on ya?

Don't you understand? He wants to bet on Dreamy Joe. He can't possibly win.

It's a frame-up, a fix.

Oh. So it's what horseplayers and other gentlemen of the turf

refer to as a boat race. Shh.

Of course it's a boat race, and Dreamy Joe is on the slowest boat.

SORROWFUL: His jockey won't even be rowing.

(WHISTLING)

Take anything anybody wants to bet on Dreamy Joe,

including inlays, marbles and moose heads.

(WHISTLING)

Uh-oh.

Put that down.

- Yes, sir. - You wanna give the joint a bad name?

(GIGGLES)

Say, is Big Steve in the office?

Say, pardon me. Is Big Steve in his office?

Eh? Big Steve! He's a friend of mine!

He gave me a tip on a race. Huh?

Well, if he's not in the office, maybe I can use the phone.

Oh, never mind. I haven't got much time.

(RINGING)

Yeah?

Steve, that jockey oughta be fixed.

He might accidentally make Dreamy Joe win.

Do you hear me, Steve?

Steve, you sound awfully strange.

(STAMMERING) I got a sort of a cold.

Hey, who is this?

Hello? Hello?

Oh, Steve, I came over to see ya.

Wanted to borrow 20 bucks.

The door was open and I used your telephone.

Had to make a phone call.

I heard the phone ring.

Well, I... I called a friend of mine.

I had him call me right back.

I see.

What's the number of this phone?

Oh, the number?

I don't know. I guess I forgot.

I never could remember numbers.

Shut the door.

ORVILLE: Steve, you can't get away with fixing that race!

(GLASS BREAKING) I'm getting out of here. I'm going to the police.

(THUMPING)

(LOUD THUD)

ANNOUNCER: You're now seeing the eighth race at Delington Park

through the television cameras.

The horses are parading in front of the grandstand on their way to the post.

Over a million dollars has been wagered on this...

Where are you going?

- Goin' down there. Why? - Can I get down and go with you?

Okay. It's better than chaining you.

King Leo opened at 50 to one. Come on.

Green Demon at seven to one. Next is Half Sister at ten to one.

Post position number four goes to... Don't wrinkle the suit.

Big play on Dreamy Joe, Sorrowful?

Yeah, I may get cleaned out here.

That horse had some terrific works.

It's a beautiful day and the track is dry and fast.

When do they put the water on it?

Water? What are you talkin' about?

Well, you said they were gonna have a boat race.

"The New York Flash," Eddie Cole, is riding Green Demon.

Oh, she heard about the college boat race.

(CHUCKLES NERVOUSLY) I gave eight to five on Princeton.

- It's my school, you know. - Buddy Adler up on Fearless Champ.

Ah... I Danny Dale on Dreamy Joe...

Oh, she's cute. Isn't she cute?

And Buster Brewer on No Ante.

The horses have now reached the post.

But where are the boats?

They're leading them into the starting gate.

I wish you were on one of 'em. Here.

Have some chewing gum, huh? You like gum?

Fill yourself. Take this box over to Regret, huh?

I'd rather watch the boat race, please.

Now, go ahead. Regret'll show you how to

blow those great big beautiful bubbles

with that great big mouth of yours.

Go ahead, honey. Go ahead, doll. Go ahead.

They're all in line. The flag is up. Wait a minute.

Half Sister's kicking up in the gate. Now they've got her quieted down.

The crowd is tense. They're all in line, and they're off and running!

Fearless Champ is taking the lead.

Half Sister is second, King Leo is third and Bingo is fourth.

It's Half Sister by a head. Fearless Champ is second by a head.

Bingo is third by a length and Dreamy Joe is far back.

Come on, Dreamy Joe!

( INDISTINCT SHOUTING)

Half Sister is second now by a length.

Bingo's coming up on the inside and Dreamy Joe is trailing.

It's Half Sister showing in front by a head. Fearless Champ second by two lengths.

King Leo is third. It's Fearless Champ in front by a half.

Half Sister is second by a head. King Leo third by a length.

And here comes Dreamy Joe making a bold move on the outside!

Are you crazy? Back, Dreamy Joe, back.

Dreamy Joe is challenging and now going into the lead.

It's Dreamy Joe, Fearless Champ...

Dreamy Joe, don't you remember? Not today.

Green Demon is fourth. Dreamy Joe is moving fast.

He's in front by a half a length.

Dreamy Joe is drawing clear.

It's Dreamy Joe by a length.

Fearless Champ is second by two.

And Green Demon moving up on the outside is third.

It's Dreamy Joe out in front and jockey Dale is looking back.

What's the crook trying to do, win?

Fearless Champ is second, Green Demon is third

and Bingo, on the rail, is fourth.

It's Dreamy Joe, Green Demon and Fearless Champ. It's going to be a driving finish.

They're coming down to the wire. It's Dreamy Joe,

Green Demon, Fearless Champ and Bingo.

And flashing across the finish line,

it's Green Demon the winner,

Fearless Champ second, Bingo is third. He did it.

And Dreamy Joe finished fourth. Who win it?

You did, and Green Demon.

(SIGHS)

How 'bout that? I gotta get out of this racket.

This is too much of a gamble.

Close call. Forty-two hundred dollars.

Forty-two, huh? (KISSES) I feel better already.

Maybe if we could plant a little of this,

we could grow a money tree.

Hey, here's that tab we took for that guy's 20.

Did he come back? No.

When he does, get the 20 before he takes the little doll.

Where is she?

How do you like that? Gone.

Every time I get bighearted.

When was the other time?

Twenty bucks is 200 dimes. Think of all the subway rides.

Now, find that little filly.

Ah, forget her. You still won plenty.

Let's go some place and celebrate.

Let's drop in Big Steve's for a drink.

We got nothin' to celebrate. Maybe tomorrow we lose.

That don't stop me from celebrating.

Yeah, well, I wouldn't pay a cover charge

to hear that girl at Big Steve's.

I heard her sing plenty in the Gaieties.

Besides, she sings flat. Sort of.

(GLADYS SINGING)

(MOANS)

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Here, kitty, kitty, kitty, kitty.

Oh! So you're the little kitty.

Hmm. You know, I hate to turn

a sweet little doll like you over to Sorrowful,

but I got three mouths to feed, two on my wife.

Well, well, well. For a guy that wasn't coming here,

you're awful present.

Oh, my Scout troop is holding a meeting here tonight.

How 'bout the little doll? Did you get the 20?

Her you-know-what never showed up.

Well, her you-know-what better show.

We hold her till he does.

I'm awful hungry. Hey, wait.

Watch it, will ya? How 'bout that two cents' worth of licorice?

Hungry. You wanna get jowls?

Hello, Steve. You were great tonight, Gladys. Sit down.

No, thanks, Steve. I'm still just one of the help.

Besides, I see an old friend of mine.

Enjoy yourself.

She's going over to Sorrowful's table.

If she does, she'll have to buy her own coffee.

Hello.

Oh, hello, Gladys. Regret and I were in the neighborhood.

We just thought we'd drop in and catch your act.

So, you've been taking singing lessons. That's right.

But not enough.

Babysitting to earn some spending money?

Her father left her in the horse room for a $20 marker.

The horse lost and her old man hasn't showed.

I wish my daddy would come.

Why don't you phone her father?

Why didn't you think of that? Let me have a nickel.

What's your name? Martha Jane.

Martha Jane what? Not Martha Jane What,

Martha Jane Smith.

Oh, Smith. Figures.

All you have to do is look in the phone book and find a Smith.

Do you know where you live?

I live in a big, tall house

with lots and lots of windows and doors.

Doors.

Sorrowful, why don't you call the police and let them handle this?

They'll know what to do.

Hand this little filly over to the cops?

Not on your life!

Why, they'd fingerprint her. She'd have a record overnight.

Sorrowful loves Martha Jane very much.

In fact, 20 bucks' worth.

I wish my daddy would come. I'm hungry.

Haven't you ordered her anything to eat?

Eat? You wanna ruin this kid's figure?

Mr. Sorrowful doesn't like me.

Oh, of course he does, Martha,

and he's going to buy you a big dinner.

Or I'm gonna call the cops myself,

and then Uncle Sorrowful will be out

20 big, crisp dollar bills.

Waiter, bring this little lady the works.

Bowl of corn flakes, two spoons.

I got a little girl like that at home.

I give her steak for supper.

After the tip you get tonight, she'll be back on corn flakes.

I like steak for supper.

This kid's been around.

Why don't you order fillet mignon?

Oh, thank you, and with mushrooms, please.

And a baked potato and some spinach.

And a nice big glass of milk and some strawberry shortcake.

That's what I give my kid for supper.

Now what can I do for you?

Adopt me.

(GIGGLES)

Why don't you wake her up and let her finish her own steak?

Shh. Little doll needs rest. It's very healthy.

Where does she spend the night?

Hey, maybe we could get her in at the YWCA.

Nope, I guess not. Couldn't keep an eye on her there.

Looks like we've got her on our hands.

"Our hands"? You didn't say anything about our 20 bucks.

You better take her up to your room and put her to bed.

I'm no nursemaid.

Besides, my room is too small. I sleep standing up now.

Why couldn't one of you... I'd like to, Sorrowful,

but I don't finish until 1:00,

and this poor kid's got to get to bed right now.

Look, we only got one bed at my house,

and my wife even objects to me sharing it with her.

Let's wake the kid up. Maybe she'll think of something.

Maybe she wants to hang around till you finish at 1:00.

We could slip her some strong coffee.

Sorrowful, for once in your life,

why don't you do something nice for somebody?

Okay, okay. I'm the fall guy. I can see it coming.

The minute you make a few bucks, everybody wants to move in.

(GROANS)

Say, waiter, will you wrap up the rest of that steak for my dog?

I'll get a bag.

- You haven't got a dog. - Quiet.

Come on, Shorts. This is it. Come on.

We're traveling.

(SIGHS) Did my daddy come yet?

No, but if he doesn't come by morning,

I'm going to put an ad in the scratch sheet.

You're going home with me.

Sorrowful will be very nice to you, honey.

He'll take care of you until your father comes.

I guess you're not really a monster, Mr. Sorrowful.

You just look like one.

Mr. Sorrowful, I can't undo this button.

You sure you haven't got this thing on backwards?

Or were you in the navy?

(GIGGLING)

Steady. Steady.

There you are. Okay.

There's one more.

Don't you ever knock?

Before, not after. Round.

Let me see. There you are.

- You okay? - Thank you very much.

It'll be on your check.

Why are you undressing in the kitchen?

Oh, I've got a horse in my pocket,

and the light hurts his eyes.

- Oh. - I knew you'd understand.

(COUGHING)

Hey. Hey, the neighbors.

Keep that on. You're gonna have to sleep in that.

But that's not healthy. I'd like a nightgown, please.

You'd like a nightgown. Where do you think you are, on Park Avenue?

You'll sleep in that or sleep raw.

"Sleep raw"? What does that mean?

Well, that... When you...

I'll find something for you.

Where's the bathroom, please?

The powder room is there.

Thank you, Mr. Sorrowful.

Get you a floor plan later.

Gotta have a nightgown.

Here's your nightgown. This doesn't look like a nightgown.

Women.

(HUMMING)

Hey, Shorts,

drag your royal chassis out of there and hit the sack.

I just made your bed for you.

I'm coming.

Is this a nightgown?

What do you want, shoulder pads?

- Good night. - Good night.

(YAWNING)

Well! Pardon me!

It's crowded, isn't it?

You sure you're comfortable?

Oh, yes. It's nice and soft.

Yeah, well, can I get you anything?

A salami sandwich or a glass of champagne?

I'm not hungry now. Maybe later.

Well, don't hesitate to call on me if anything turns up.

I'll be on tap all night waiting for your ring.

(GRUNTS)

Mr. Sorrowful,

I want my daddy to come and get me.

You want your daddy to come and get you?

That makes two of us. Now get some shut-eye.

Mr. Sorrowful,

my daddy used to sing to me when I couldn't sleep.

Oh, that's nice.

Oh, please. Couldn't you sing to me?

Then I wouldn't feel so lonesome and scared. (SNIFFLING)

Just when I was getting comfortable.

Oh.

You gotta have singing?

(SINGING RAGTIME)

No.

(SINGING BALLAD)

No, I need three other guys for that.

I'll read you a story, huh? Oh, please, sing.

(SINGING LULLABY)

(HUMMING)

Well!

(SINGING)

- Shh! - Mr. Sorrowful,

will you scrub my back, please?

I can't bend down. I got a short circuit in my neck.

If you scrub my back, I'll eat a big breakfast.

A big breakfast? Oh, that's wonderful.

I could hold her head under with...

Control yourself.

Please, Mr. Sorrowful.

The things you have to do for 20 bucks.

Okay, give it to me.

(SINGING)

Shh. Quiet.

(DOOR BUZZES) Saved by the bell.

You want me to answer it?

Not in that costume.

- Oh, hello. - Good morning.

Are you the lady of the house? (CHUCKLES)

Stop it. I'm very busy. What are you doing here?

Is that my daddy?

It's me, honey, Gladys.

This is great atmosphere for the kid.

What time do the bats fly out?

Well, I didn't rent it for a nursery. What's your mission?

I got some oatmeal here for her.

What'd you think I was gonna give her, pickled octopus?

I got coffee on the stove right now, and donuts.

That's what I mean.

Mr. Sorrowful, the water's getting awful cold.

Okay.

Where are you going with that coffee?

Well, the kid needs hot water. My coffee's weak.

Put that back.

I'll finish her bath and I'll make her some breakfast.

Where's the milk?

Where it always is. In front of my neighbor's door.

It's a good thing I showed up,

or she'd have the first case of beriberi on Broadway.

Beriberi. Does she have to have two of everything?

Hello, Martha Jane. Hello, Miss Gladys.

I was doing fine with her. I had a high gloss on her shoulders.

Mr. Sorrowful, why don't you climb in the tub with me,

and Miss Gladys can scrub both of our backs?

Sure, get in, Sorrowful.

Huh. No, thanks. I haven't got my water wings here.

Besides, it might shrink his money belt.

That's enough. My racket. Move over.

All right, you wash, I'll dry.

Where's a clean towel? In the closet with the clean shirt,

under the tomato juice and the cookies.

BIG STEVE: Well, this is a nice, homey little picture.

Always lock your door, Sorrowful. That's rule number one.

Come out here a minute. I wanna talk to you.

Hey, Steve, I can explain everything.

I know what you're thinking.

You're thinking the minute you turn your back, she runs

into some handsome guy's apartment.

No, I'm just thinking what a swell kid she is

coming into a crummy joint like this,

just to give that little doll a bath.

Yeah, well, it's quite possible she come up here to see me.

Well, if that occurs to you again,

take a good look in the mirror.

Well, everybody can't have blue eyes.

I came by here to make you a business proposition.

Oh, well.

After what I won on Dreamy Joe,

it's like you were singing in my ear.

I need five thousand. Song's over.

It's got to be a big killing this time.

I'm on the cuff again.

My only out is to slip Dreamy Joe that last speedball.

Yeah, but 5,000. Dollars?

I'm going to Chicago to lay it off.

I don't want to hurt the track odds.

Why, Dreamy Joe oughta be ten to one.

Yeah, but we did so well with 1,000.

Can't we try again with 1,000?

Big Steve said five.

Maybe I should write it out for you on your chest.

No, thanks. I can remember.

Five thousand.

Where can I find five thousand?

Boss, you want I should take a personal look?

No, wait a minute.

Look, Sorrowful, we're trying

to work this out like businessmen.

(CHUCKLES) Well, I'm glad you brought along your secretary.

But if you'd rather have a lump on your head for interest,

that can be arranged.

It's okay. Okay. You've got it.

Oh, thanks.

Five thousand. That's a lot of zeroes.

You don't mind pickin' up a little easy money, do ya?

I won't have to sign this check.

The bank will recognize the teardrops.

By the way, the racing commission just suspended me for 30 days.

They're investigating that last race. Took away my license.

Oh. Well, that's that. No license, no race, no $5,000.

Drop around when the deal is straightened out and...

Just a minute, I got it figured.

All we have to do is register Dreamy Joe with a new owner.

S. Taylor Henderson. Who's that?

Me. Wanna make something of it?

No. I think it's a wonderful idea,

if the racing commission is crazy in the head.

What's wrong with me owning a horse?

Am I a crook or something?

He asks the questions and answers them too.

No, all I know is if there's anything

missing in the state of New York,

Once Over Sam is always the favorite.

And everybody knows you work for Big Steve.

Pardon me while I cook up a little breakfast.

You know, he might be right.

A new proposition? So soon?

I can't let you pass up this deal.

It just means too much to both of us.

We can find a new owner for Dreamy Joe.

Why, that's incidental.

Yeah, what's more important is my five thou.

Why, sure it is,

and the bundle you can grab.

Listen, Sorrowful. You can't lose.

Dreamy Joe takes the speedball, he wins. That's A-B-C.

And I get a big stack of the necessary. That's D-E-F?

You got my word for it.

Why, you don't think I'd cross you, do ya?

- No. - Why, you'll win so much money,

you'll have to crawl over it to get into bed.

Hey, you know, you got me hemmed in here, but I'm beginning to like it.

Why, you'll win so many hundred-dollar bills

that you couldn't even stuff 'em into a box like that.

What else can I tell you? Go ahead. Write out the check.

Check? Say, if it's that good, you can have the cash.

Five thousand.

Right.

Now all we gotta do is dig up a new owner to front for Dreamy Joe.

Somebody we both know. Honest and reliable.

Well, everybody speaks highly of the Statue of Liberty.

Mr. Sorrowful, I'm all dry now!

Well, get wet again. I'm busy.

Steve, what about that little character? She has an honest face.

Give Dreamy Joe to that kid? Are you crazy?

Steve, talk about honest. She wouldn't know one loaded dice from another.

And she couldn't double-cross us, not with me here watching her.

Well, maybe you got an angle.

She hasn't had time to be crooked. Who is she, anyway?

Oh, one of the neighbor's kids. She uses my tub.

What's her name?

Martha Jane Smith.

Okay. Tell Martha Jane she's running in the feature race Thursday.

And tell her not to go shooting her mouth off to the other kids.

Hey, Gladys.

How about a little breakfast at Toots Shor's?

I'm staying here so Sorrowful doesn't give the kid an after-breakfast cigar.

Okay, but don't let this get to be a habit with you.

BIG STEVE: How are you? All right.

What's everybody doing up in the daytime?

Oh, I thought it was my daddy.

It's only Regret.

(WHISPERING) Get rid of the kid. What?

Get rid of the kid.

Okay, Shorts, get dressed.

Come on, honey. Time to get dressed for breakfast.

Can I have some bacon, please?

Bacon? I just bought you a whole horse.

For my very own? What color?

Plaid. Who cares what color?

It does a mile in 1:37 with blinkers.

Could I see it, please?

Sure. We'll run out to the track, and I'll show it to you.

Now, get dressed. Come on, honey.

Sorrowful, what's all this about a horse?

I'll tell you later.

A horse is just what she needs. What's eating you?

They found her old man in the East River.

Orville Smith, like it says here.

Bookmaker's ticket for 20 bucks in his pocket on Dreamy Joe.

Poor kid.

We better turn her over to the police.

They'll know where to find her mother.

(MARTHA JANE SINGING)

Well, don't stand there. Get her dressed.

Miss Gladys, will you help me with these buttons, please?

Sure, Martha Jane.

Guess you'd like to go home and see your mommy.

- I can't do that. - Why not?

My daddy said she's never coming back.

I only kind of remember what she looked like.

(GIGGLES) Whoa, Dreamy Joe!

Miss Gladys, is this really my horse?

Sure, Martha Jane. It's a present from Mr. Sorrowful.

Nice outfit Gladys picked up for the kid.

Yeah, she's a big spender with my money.

How much of the deal does Gladys know?

She knows a very good percentage.

I had to tell her about needing the kid

for a few days so we could run Dreamy Joe.

Anyway, she likes the kid to have fun with the horse.

And the speedball and the F-I-X?

She wouldn't understand it.

She's one of those high-minded dames. Thinks gambling is a sport.

But the kid stays with you till after the race.

You're in good shape.

Oh, very good shape.

First, I'm holding a hot kid the cops would love to find.

Second, a gent was murdered with my marker in his pocket.

Third, I'm in a racket not considered legal.

Fourth, I'm mixed up in a questionable race,

and here on my thumb,

if I try to resign, a couple of my business associates

would beat me to death with their pinkies.

I'm in good shape.

Thank you very much, Mr. Sorrowful.

I'm learning how to ride him.

Well, don't make any long-range plans.

This hay burner's been around the track so long,

he can read his own odds on the tote board. (LAUGHS)

Giddyap, Dreamy Joe.

Hang on, little lady. That's a spirited horse. He might throw you.

Ah, this hay burner can read his own odds on the tote board.

Giddyap, Dreamy Joe.

How much can Dreamy Joe win for her Thursday?

The purse is 3,500.

Hey, you don't think the kid really gets the money, do you?

Well, I've always heard that the owner gets the purse.

New Year's Day I won a turkey in a fixed raffle.

That's my charity for this season.

Now wait a minute.

Uh-oh. Don't look now. It's Mr. Reardon.

Scatter. If he asks for me, tell him I joined the Foreign Legion.

No dice, Sorrowful.

I'll lead him straight to you unless you tell me that Martha Jane gets the win purse.

Are you crazy? This is the law. I know it.

If he finds the kid here with me, I'll be up to my ears in handcuffs.

Well then, talk fast. The prison gates are opening.

Okay, I'll give her a quarter.

The whole thing. A half.

All or nothing.

Okay. Nothing.

You wouldn't really tell him, would you?

I'm not gonna give up any part of... Oh, Mr...

Okay, okay. I'm in a spot and you know it.

The kid gets it all.

Come on, Shorts. Exercise him.

Here you go.

Give him a fast brush-off.

Hello, Gladys.

Hi. Who's minding City Hall?

Oh, it's in good hands.

I just came out here to have a talk with Sorrowful.

I hear he's latched onto a little girl.

It's me, and I'm a big girl.

I'm talking about the little Smith kid

who was left with Sorrowful as a marker.

Oh, you know about her.

Registering a horse in the kid's name

is a funny way of trying to hide her.

Look, Mr. Reardon, if you could just

sort of not see her around here for a couple of days,

just until Dreamy Joe runs, she might win $3,500.

She'd still be an orphan, and I'd still have to turn her in.

Yeah, but she'd get an awful good start.

She'd be a big sport with the other kids.

I just want to have a look at her.

I didn't say I was going to put the cuffs on her.

You mean there's a heart under that badge?

I hear it ticking once in a while.

Is he gone?

Oh, hi, Mr. Reardon. What's new?

What are you doing down the tracks? Some horse steal a blanket?

- Where's the little girl? - Little girl? What little girl?

Say, if you get any hot information

on these dogs around here, let me know, will ya?

I'd like to bet a little. Care for one?

The Smith girl.

Smith? Oh, I know a lot of Smiths.

Martha Jane Smith.

Oh. Oh, that must be one of the newer Smiths.

Thank you very much. Got to keep the flies out.

Say, how tall is she? Oh, like so.

Oh. Blonde or brunette? Sort of blonde.

Oh. Boy or girl? Girl.

Oh, a girl girl. And quit stalling, Sorrowful.

Oh, doesn't sound like anybody I know.

Hey, maybe that's your kid. That's a jockey.

I'm talking about the kid you're trying to hide.

Me? Hide?

Hide, what? That's all I have to do is hide a kid.

Okay, you don't know anything. So I'll tell you something.

We fished a guy out of the East River.

He had one of your betting receipts in his pocket.

He was the little girl's father.

Oh. We ought to pass the hat for her.

Maybe you could use my hat, huh?

You know what they do to you for kidnapping? They sit you in a big chair.

They strap your legs in. They strap your arms in.

On your head, they put a steel cap.

Then they turn on the electricity.

Does it hurt you?

Hurt you?

It ruins you.

See you later.

Take these to Homicide. Yes, sir.

Pick up the Smith kid?

Nope. Left her with Sorrowful.

You left that poor little girl with Sorrowful Jones?

We can pick her up any time.

Meanwhile, she's the only lead we've got in the Smith murder case.

You know, something must be cooking

when Big Steve leaves town and turns his horse over to a four-year-old child.

I don't think Sorrowful's smart enough to be mixed up in it.

Anyway, I'll keep my eyes on him.

But it's like leaving a baby with a pack of wolves.

In fact, it is leaving a baby with a pack of wolves.

Oh, I don't know. The kid could do worse. Got a match, Ed?

Right.

Craziest thing I ever heard of.

Horse can't run in the three-year-old class anymore,

so the little doll wants to give him a birthday party.

So? She gets some fun out of it. Let her store up a few laughs.

She'll need to draw on them later.

What more does she want?

She's getting half of the win purse.

Half?

Maybe three-quarters.

Okay, okay. She gets it all. Watch it!

(PEOPLE SINGING HAPPY BIRTHDAY)

Hey! Hey!

(SINGING CONTINUES)

Oh, that's wonderful.

JOCKEY: I won the big race on Victory King. He won't miss the posies.

Oh, thank you very much. Let's make a wish for Dreamy Joe.

Come on, Martha Jane.

Miss Gladys, can Dreamy Joe see his presents now?

Sure. That's what presents are for. Gentlemen, be seated.

Look, honey. This is what your jockey will wear.

M.J.S. Martha Jane Smith.

Didn't Dreamy Joe get a lot of nice presents?

I should say so.

Mr. Sorrowful, what did you bring him?

Oh, I got a present. I didn't come empty-handed.

Look at that.

What is that, Mr. Sorrowful? Sugar.

You might at least take the Automat wrappers off.

It's the same sugar they give you at the Waldorf.

Thank you, Mr. Sorrowful, for Dreamy Joe. What did you bring him?

I have a present for him.

All the other horses have mascots for luck.

I want Dreamy Joe to have my doll.

Well, I think that's the very nicest present of all.

Thank you.

Well, the drinks are on me.

Look what I brought. But, Sorrowful, I brought...

Quiet, boy. Paper cups for everybody.

There you are. Fiesta time, Doc. What a party.

Martha Jane, look.

Somebody get a cup for the horse.

Look. For Dreamy Joe.

Imagine Sorrowful Jones moving into an apartment with an elevator.

Not one landlady waiting downstairs for the rent.

Electric light in the hall has a lampshade.

And talk about high-class names, the Claymore Arms.

Hmm, hmm, hmm. (MOCKING SOUNDS)

Why don't you get that thing fixed?

Well, what do you know? Rugs.

Go on. Get ready for bed, Shorts.

Dreamy Joe and I had a wonderful time at your party, Miss Gladys.

- Thank you. - Her party?

Who bought the paper cups?

(GIGGLES) Good night, honey.

Mmm!

See you when you come in to kiss me good night, Mr. Sorrowful.

That's a new thing, kissing her good night.

I don't know where she got the idea.

Whose idea was the new apartment?

Well, I had to get out of that one room.

That little character was snoring like a freight engine going uphill.

You know, Sorrowful, under that hide of yours, you're practically a person.

Go on, you better head for the club.

It's about time for you to do your number, the one you sing off-key.

I have a few minutes to spare. How about some quick hospitality?

Huh? I'll sign an IOU for one drink.

Okay. I'll spring.

You know, I'll be glad when this race is over,

so I can give the air to the little doll.

You know, sort of cramps my style to have to lug her around.

With a dog, it's different.

You give them a couple of biscuits, toss them out on the back porch and that's it.

With a kid, it's rough. They got buttons.

Doesn't seem to bother you too much.

Where are the two straws?

Oh, all I want is a taste.

I better keep an eye on her for when she starts losing too much weight.

Are you insinuating I don't feed her?

Besides, how much can she lose in three days?

I've been thinking about that three-day limit. What comes after?

Well, maybe she'll latch on to somebody.

Some nice couple with a front lawn.

Have you been taking sentimental pills?

I haven't heard you talking about front lawns since that night in Omaha.

Yeah. I'll never forget that.

That wonderful little chop suey joint.

Boy, that was expensive.

Well, after we tossed for the check, you got kind of romantic.

Yeah, I guess I did.

In those days, it seemed the most important thing in the world

was to keep our stuff in closets instead of trunks.

Just to have a few flowers that weren't props.

Gee, I hope Martha Jane gets a few laughs out of life.

You know, she's crazy about you.

I'm crazy about her, too.

If she had you and a father, she'd have a complete set.

Sure she would.

Well, what about you and...

Big Steve?

It's later than I thought.

How about your drink?

Pour it back in the bottle and dive right in after it.

What are you sore about? Sore? Who's sore?

I just think I better get out of here, that's all.

Steve might not like it.

Dames.

How you doing?

Doesn't Aunt Gladys look beautiful?

Aunt Gladys? Now it's Aunt Gladys.

Come on. Let's do the good night bit and get it over with.

Don't you like me, Mr. Sorrowful?

Sure. You're okay, but I'm a busy man.

Now, grab some shut-eye, huh?

Aren't you going to read me a story?

Oh, we're in a rut.

And not from that old racing sheet again.

(SIGHS)

That's the one Aunt Gladys sent me. Aunt Gladys.

It's good you got rich relatives.

"This is the story about little orphan Mary"

"who had no parents, no money, no clothes and no place to live."

Hmm. Cartoon comics.

I know all that part.

Skip over to where she's in the burning house

and her hands and feet are tied.

Hey, you better give me this book

and I'll buy you a new one, huh?

Buy your own book, tightwad.

Aw, now talking like that ain't nice.

I've been meaning to speak to you about that.

That's okay for you and me, but no telling who else might be listening.

Do you mean God?

Yeah. Yeah.

Daddy said there's nobody named God.

When did he say this?

When my mommy went away.

Oh.

Yeah. Well, I guess your old man did get kind of a tough break,

but what he said wasn't right.

Not just right.

I mean, there is somebody named God.

Did you ever see him?

Well, he doesn't hang around horse rooms very much.

But if you ever want anything

and you can't promote it for yourself,

why, you just ask God

and, often as not, he comes through.

Do you write him letters like you do Santa Claus?

(STAMMERING) Well, that's where praying comes in.

You save three cents.

Then show me how to pray, please.

Go to sleep.

But I want to ask for something.

I never knew a dame who didn't.

Okay. Get out of bed.

And don't tell anybody about this. See, I don't want it to get around.

Now kneel down. Put your hands together like this, shut your eyes.

But why?

How do I know? I don't make the rules.

Who does?

Well, like the racing commission makes the rules at the track,

I guess there must be a praying commission some place.

Oh. What does the commission say I should do now?

Just say like this. Now I lay me down to sleep.

Now I lay me down to sleep.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

I pray the Lord my soul to keep.

If I should die before I wake...

If I should die before I wake...

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

I pray the Lord my soul to take.

And God bless Sorrowful, Gladys, Regret and everybody.

And God bless Sorrowful and Gladys and Regret and everybody.

And Dreamy Joe too?

Oh, yeah, him most of all. He's closest to going.

And Dreamy Joe most of all. He's closest to going.

Is that all? Yeah, that's the works.

But when do I ask for what I want?

Oh, you better slip it in right now while your prayer's still hot.

Please, dear God, buy Mr. Sorrowful a new suit.

With two pair of pants, please.

(YANKEE DOODLE CH/MING)

Where'd you get this?

Picked it up in a pawn shop on Third Avenue.

Figured it might be the one.

Did you trace the pawn ticket?

Hocked last week by a Mrs. Oliver Sims, scrub lady.

Seemed to be scared stiff when I wrote out the questions for her.

Wrote out the questions? She's stone-deaf.

Oh. Where does she work?

Big Steve Holloway's cafe.

She says she found the watch on the floor in Big Steve's office.

I think she was scared because she hocked it instead of turning it in.

Be seeing you.

Hello, Mr. Reardon. Yeah.

Hello, Sam. Getting in condition?

Hello, Mr. Reardon.

What do you hear from Big Steve?

Not a thing.

Not a thing, sir.

Yes, sir.

Shouldn't he be getting back from Chicago soon?

He wouldn't miss the big race tomorrow, would he?

I don't know nothing, sir.

(YANKEE DOODLE CH/MING)

What'll they think of next?

Mine just goes tick-tock, tick-tock, sir.

(MUSIC STOPS)

Oh, yeah, Sam, I've been meaning to ask you.

Did you know that Steve gave Dreamy Joe to a four-year-old kid?

Yes, sir.

Big Steve has a heart of gold.

And that the kid is the daughter of Orville Smith?

Who's Orville Smith?

He's a young fella we found in the East River last week

with three bullet holes and a $20 marker on Dreamy Joe.

Interesting, isn't it?

What's that gotta do with me, sir?

(STEAM HISSING)

Well, I've been talking to Sorrowful Jones.

You know, the kid was left with him.

We've had a very interesting conversation.

And you know something else, Sam?

The hot seat's even hotter than the one you're sitting on.

Mike! Mike!

Get me out of here! I'm frying!

(TELEPHONE RINGING)

Hello?

Steve? I've been trying and trying to reach you.

Yeah, I just got in from the airport. What's the matter, is something wrong?

Reardon gave me the business while I'm getting a steam.

The little doll who we saw in the bathtub at Sorrowful's

belongs to the gent we caught in your office, remember?

The one whose last address was the East River.

The way I see it, Sorrowful has been shooting his mouth off to the law.

Oh, I see.

All right, get on over there and shut him up and get that kid out of sight.

Having her around so close might give Reardon ideas.

Now, look, I don't care what you have to do. Get rid of her. Lose her.

Ready, Mr. Sorrowful?

SORROWFUL: Not yet. Keep your eyes closed.

(DOOR BUZZES)

Hiya, Shorts. What's the matter?

Does looking at Sorrowful hurt your eyes too?

He'll be out in a minute. I'm not allowed to peek.

Oh, I see.

Ta-da!

Ooh!

Aunt Gladys, Mr. Sorrowful looks almost as beautiful as Dreamy Joe.

It's like Rembrandt painted a dish of chicken fat.

Drink it in. I got to be back in the window by 12:00.

Must have passed the barber college. Hmm, new shoes, too.

- I only prayed for a new suit. - Stool pigeon.

Can't a citizen get dressed up if he wants to?

Who asked you to come back anyway?

Well, I figured you wouldn't have sense enough to get her socks and underwear.

(DOOR BUZZES)

If that's for the kid, wrap it up. She's going on a trip.

A trip? Is he going to take me to my daddy?

Start getting ready for bed, Shorts.

I'll give you the rundown later.

Hey, who's going on what trip?

Me and Steve hear from reliable parties

that you've been holding conversations with the law.

You mean with Reardon?

Suppose he has? What's that got to do with her?

According to Steve, she should get herself lost,

such as out of town or in an orphanage.

Yeah, but she's such a little doll. She's not in anybody's way.

It is not possible to eat corn on the cob without front teeth,

or would you like to see for yourself?

Sorrowful, don't let him push you around.

I'm glad you reminded me.

I'm not going to do it, Sam. Little doll deserves a break.

She's leaving here, and you're keeping your trap shut about it.

Well, I'll try to control my temper.

I'll put it to the doll in person.

Maybe she'd like to go.

If you and Steve get that little girl out of here, it'll be over my dead body.

That can be arranged too.

If I'm not going to see my daddy, am I going to see Dreamy Joe?

Well, not exactly. You're going to a special place for kids.

Just what you need, an orphanage.

What's an orphanage?

Oh, it's like a big poolroom, but for kids.

Playgrounds, baseball teams, soft bed, three meals a day.

Well, maybe two, but very nourishing.

All the oatmeal you can eat.

If you don't eat it, some old biddy will slug you,

put you on bread and water, lock you up in solitary,

keep you slaving away in the jute mill.

And all because you wouldn't eat that soggy oatmeal.

I guess it's a nice place, or you wouldn't take me there.

Are we leaving now?

No, we're not leaving.

We're going to play a little game.

It's called "Hide and Go Seek on the Fire Escape."

You hide there and don't make a sound till I yell "Ready."

Are you going to surprise me again?

This time it's me I'm surprising.

No matter what happens, promise me you'll keep quiet.

Sure I will, Mr. Sorrowful.

Okay, honey.

Where's the kid?

Sam, I'm not going to let you take her.

Unlock that door and get out of my way.

You make one move and I'll throw a punch.

Just quiver a muscle and I'll flatten you!

All right, you'll flatten me, but I'll get up off the floor swinging.

So you're swinging? So I break your nose like this!

I'm bleeding pretty bad, but I shake my head to clear it

and I still come at you.

You know, Sam, you're outnumbered.

Stay out of this or I'll bop you.

Now give me that key or I'll drive your head through that door...

I warned you.

Come on, unlock the door. Let's get Shorts and get out of here.

Okay.

Well, maybe it's a good thing I dropped in.

Did you get rid of the kid?

No, she's in there.

Get up! Now wait a minute, Steve.

Or what?

See, I told you. She isn't here.

But I seen her come in.

She ain't here.

Where is she?

Well, that's different. You ask a civil question, you get a civil answer.

I don't know where she is.

Hey, boss.

Shorts! Shorts!

(CLAMORING)

Shorts! What happened?

She must have fallen from the fire escape.

We better get her to a hospital.

Severe cerebral concussion. The pressure is increasing.

Any indication of regaining consciousness, Doctor?

Well, she's started to rally a little.

She kept calling for someone.

Better arrange for magnesium sulfate by hypo.

Right.

The next few hours will tell.

This wouldn't have happened if you'd taken her to your house that night.

But no, your wife had to have a bed all to herself.

Who's boss of your house anyway?

I guess your fondness for 20 bucks had nothing to do with it.

We all gave the kid a little wrong-way push.

It's kind of late to start placing the blame now.

(DOOR CLOSES)

SORROWFUL: Doc.

Yes? Any word?

No change. She's still in a coma.

How serious?

A state of shock can be very serious.

Look, Doc, you can level with us. What are the odds?

Fifty-fifty.

Oh, well, that's not bad. That's even money.

Why, we're practically betting on the favorite.

- Is her father here? - No.

Then which one of you does she call Dreamy Joe?

None of us. Dreamy Joe is a horse.

Her horse.

Oh. That's too bad. She keeps calling for Dreamy Joe.

It would have helped. Excuse me, please.

I wonder if that praying commission's open in the daytime?

What?

Oh, nothing.

She keeps asking for Dreamy Joe.

I never realized a nag could mean so much to a kid.

Just to look at him might make the difference.

Hey, why don't we rig up a prop horse?

You know, one of those riding academy nags?

Shorts would never know the difference.

She'd know. She loves Dreamy Joe.

If we tried to fool her, it might make things even worse.

If the big race wasn't in just a few hours, we might arrange something.

Which is more important, a bunch of horses chasing each other

or Martha Jane?

What are you looking at me for? What do you want me to do?

Steal him off the track?

If necessary, yes.

Do you know what they do to horse thieves?

They don't hang you anymore, just roust you a little.

What am I arguing about?

This is the craziest thing I ever heard of.

Why, if I even tried to cross Big Steve,

they'd have to roll me into surgery on four different tables.

All right.

But what if we borrowed Dreamy Joe after the race?

There won't be any Dreamy Joe after the race. Speedballitis.

Speedballitis?

You mean they're going to give the horse a jolt?

The big one?

You dragged the kid into a crooked race?

You gave her a horse and let her get crazy about it

when you knew it was going to be killed?

Look, Gladys, it was a business deal.

The kid just happened to get mixed up in it.

I never wanted to hurt her.

If we should ever run into each other again along Broadway,

just keep walking.

Come on, blabbermouth, let's get walking.

Doc, I want to talk to you.

In a minute, as soon as I finish.

There. Walk him around a little.

Let him get the feel of those bandages.

Just a minute.

- Here, Sam, you walk him. - Me?

Yes, you. I don't want anybody else to touch this horse.

Okay.

Come on.

Now's the time. We can do it.

Yeah, I could have figured in a spot like this it would be "we" again.

If you were half a man, you'd think of Shorts.

Okay. But if this doesn't work, I'll be half a man.

Go ahead. No slip-ups, do you hear?

Good afternoon, Sam.

What do you want?

I don't want anything.

Then what are you telling me good afternoon for?

Oh, now, look, Sam.

Just because you got it in for that heel Sorrowful,

that shouldn't be nothing between you and me.

I happen to like you.

What is there to like?

Oh, I didn't mean no offense.

Why, everybody likes you.

- They do? - Sure.

Why, when you walk down Broadway,

you know what everybody says? What?

They say, "There goes Sam."

- No. - Yes.

REGRET: And you know what else they say? They say you're smart.

SAM: You gotta be smart.

When you don't like a guy, you gotta have brains enough to belt him on the chin.

REGRET: And you know something, Sam,

when it comes to belting people on the chin,

you've got just the brain for it.

Well, so long, Sam.

Always nice to kick it around with you. You talk my language.

Thank you kindly, and a word to the wise,

give the brush to that crumb Sorrowful.

You got class.

Come on, will you?

Come on.

Hey, you're not Dreamy Joe.

What... What do you know?

- What happened? - Boss, I brought back the wrong beast.

Where's Dreamy Joe? What did you do with him?

I don't know. I was walking along, clutching the rope, talking to my friend Regret.

Regret! Why, you dunce!

That means Sorrowful Jones has Dreamy Joe.

I think I know where to find Sorrowful.

So Sorrowful makes a monkey out of me, huh?

So I'll make a scrambled egg out of him.

(HORN HONKING)

(HORN HONKING)

Well, I guess we'd better try it the hard way.

Whoa, boy! Where'd you go? Whoa, boy!

Come here, boy. Come on.

Could you kneel down a little? Have to cooperate.

(NEIGHING)

(WHISPERING) If there's any change in her pulse,

respiration or temperature, call me immediately.

Yes, Doctor.

Is it all right if I stay, Doctor?

I think so.

Keep moving, Dreamy Joe.

(NEIGHING)

Stop! What's the meaning of this?

Oh, it's okay. He's my brother.

I'm taking him to the psycho ward. Thinks he's a horse.

Shh!

There's a lunatic in the elevator with a horse.

This is your big chance to be a horse.

Stand by. I'll see if the coast is clear.

And if you see anybody, look sick.

Hey!

Hey! (BUZZING)

Hey! (BUZZING)

Say, did you see a horse get off the elevator?

A horse?

Yeah, I told him I'd get back.

You told the horse you'd come back?

Yeah, he was right here and he disappeared. The horse disappeared?

Yeah, I lost my horse, you hear?

All right, all right. Don't get excited.

- I'm not excited. - Take it easy.

Maybe he went out to get a drink of water. He'll come right back.

They all come back. We see them around here all the time.

Pink ones, green ones, blue ones... Are you a patient here?

No, I'm a doctor. Why don't you step into my office?

And you're going to be all right.

There, you see?

Nurse! Intern!

Where'd you go? You have to go riding up and down?

We have work to do.

(NEIGHS) Quit shoving!

I don't know how we're going to get past those two gorillas.

Why'd you have to get mixed up with Big Steve anyway?

Wait a minute.

Shorts.

Wait a minute.

Wait. Oh, pardon me.

I thought it was...

Carry on.

Phew! Come on. We'll make it.

Shh.

He's got to come this way.

A hospital is just the right place to patch him up.

The important thing is to find out what he did with the horse.

Doctor, have you seen a lunatic with a horse?

A lunatic?

Oh, yeah. I saw two of 'em. They're in front of room 508.

We'll take care of them.

Please do.

MAN: There they are. Grab 'em!

(THUMPING)

(FOOTSTEPS RECEDING)

Come. Come, my big doll. This is it.

Man, we got clear sailing from here in.

Don't worry about a thing.

- Whoops! - Why, if it ain't Sorrowful Jones.

Well, I was just bringing him in for a checkup. That's all.

What a sucker. Leading with your right, huh?

Give me that horse. I gotta have that horse.

(NEIGHS)

And that's for swiping the kid.

BIG STEVE: We gotta get out of here.

I'll give him my rabbit punch.

(BUZZING)

I can't understand it. It always worked on rabbits.

You're not getting away with that horse.

So you want some more, huh?

Yeah, I want that horse.

This is for shooting your mouth off to the law.

Meaning me, Sam, huh?

It's a good thing you come. I'd have killed 'em.

I want to have a chat with you boys down at headquarters.

I got a date with Dreamy Joe. Come on, Joe.

Come on, boy.

I'll have you back pounding a beat for this.

A certain scrub lady recognized a photograph of Orville Smith.

Take 'em away, boys. All right, let's go.

Come on.

- There he is. - Oh, hiya, fellas.

We got rid of those two hoodlums, all right.

Hold him. I'll take the horse.

What are you doing? That's Dreamy Joe!

We don't care if it's Seabiscuit. Out he goes!

Oh, wait a minute! You can't do this!

I got to get to room 508!

We got to get you to the psych ward!

Wait a minute! You can't do this! Gimme that horse!

This is Dreamy Joe.

In two seconds, you'll be dreamier than he is.

Oh, no! No! Wait! Stop that! Oh, foul!

(MUFFLED SHOUTING)

What's going on here? He's a lunatic.

I know this man. I'll take full responsibility.

Of course he knows me. This is Dreamy Joe.

Why, you bunch of quacks. Come on, baby.

Come on, boy.

This is Dreamy Joe.

Come on, boy. Come on.

Shh!

We've done everything we can.

(DOOR OPENS)

Sorrowful.

Shorts?

Shorts,

look who's here.

Martha Jane?

Shorts?

Look, Dreamy Joe. He came to see you.

Well, we tried.

(DREAMY JOE NEIGHS)

(DREAMY JOE NEIGHS)

Mr. Sorrowful.

Dreamy Joe.

I couldn't keep him away.

He kept asking for you.

I think you can leave the rest to me.

I don't have to ask. I can read her chart on your faces.

She's got to be all right.

Sorrowful brought her the best medicine in the world.

As soon as she's up and around, I'll take over.

You mean the orphanage routine?

I guarantee the best.

You can bow out gracefully.

I'll scout around for some nice couple to adopt her.

Hey, would you mind holding the horse a minute, Mr. Reardon?

Come.

What's the matter, Sorrowful?

You can't let Shorts fall in the hands of some strange couple.

They might be undesirable characters.

It would still be an improvement for her.

Look, you want to get married, don't you?

You've hinted at it often enough.

Yes, one of these days, but to a solid citizen, and I don't see any around.

Who cares about solid citizens? I'm thinking about Shorts.

If we don't act fast, she's going to be farmed out from under us.

Well, what do you want me to do about it?

Well. I'm willing to make a sacrifice. Why can't you?

If some couple has to adopt her, how about us?

I think that's a very good idea.

The first one of us who gets married should definitely adopt her.

I mean to each other.

Mrs. Sorrowful Jones.

Mrs. Sorrowful Jones.

Don't you have a real first name?

Hmm?

Humphrey.

Mrs. Sorrowful Jones.

Well, I'm glad we're going home. My feet are killing me.

Aren't we going to the flea circus?

Oh, Shorts, you can't do it all in one day.

We've been to the zoo. We climbed to the top of the Statue of Liberty.

We were on the lake in Central Park.

Look at these blisters from rowing. See?

But you promised, Daddy.

Well, Daddy?

Okay. What a way to spend a honeymoon.