Original subtitles

♪ One, two. ♪

♪ I've got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow. ♪

♪ Got the string around my finger. ♪

♪ What a world, what a life. ♪

♪ I'm in love. ♪

♪ Oh. ♪

♪ I've got a song that I sing. ♪

♪ I can make the rain go anytime I move my finger. ♪

♪ Lucky me. ♪

♪ Can't you see? ♪

♪ I'm in love. ♪

♪ Life is a beautiful thing, as long as I hold the string. ♪

♪ I'd be a silly so-and-so if I should ever let go. ♪

♪ I've got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow. ♪

♪ Got the string around my finger. ♪

♪ Oh, what a world, what a life. ♪

♪ Jackie Wilson said it was "Reet Petite." ♪

♪ Kinda love you got knock me off my feet. ♪

♪ Let it all hang out. ♪

♪ Oh, let it all hang out. ♪

♪ And you know I'm so wired up. ♪

♪ Don't need no coffee in my cup. ♪

♪ Let it all hang out. ♪

♪ Let it all hang out. ♪

Watch this.

Ow!

You don't know me and I don't know you,

so let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Your hair!

Hey, I'm just trying to be honest here.

I don't know if it's a wig or what, but I can work with that.

Go away, Al, before I do you with my hair spray.

Hey.

I'll come back later with some hedge clippers.

We'll do a sexy hair cutting thing.

♪ I'm in heaven. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven when you smile. ♪

♪ When you smile, I'm in heaven. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven when you smile. ♪

♪ One more time. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven. ♪

♪ I'm in heaven when you smile, when you smile. ♪

Ooh, mean, nasty, mean and nasty.

I can work with that!

♪ I've got the world on a string, sittin' on a rainbow. ♪

♪ Got the string-- ♪

Al, is that you?

No, it's Tony Bennett.

Hey, I thought criminals made a lot of money, Monte.

You live in this dump?

Hey, I'm using it for the office.

My mother lives here.

I got a place in Long Island.

So your little cousin Ray's getting married, huh?

Yeah, it's going to be a hot ticket, good excuse

to get us all back together.

Worth the climb.

I'm just middle-manning on this one, Al,

much too classy, as you can see, to move in Queens.

I could unload it in Manhattan, the jewelry district,

you know, a lot less hassle to me.

Then Jack says Al's looking for something nice for Carla.

And hey, I've always liked Carla, so I said,

tell him to come on up and take a look.

So happy anniversary.

What is it now, six or seven or--

Eight.

How much?

Legit, $9,000, $10,000.

For you, I mean, seeing as we're practically family,

I guess I could probably give it to you for maybe,

I don't know, maybe at least--

well, maybe about, uh--

About $4,000, cash, and box seats, the Mets, tonight.

Am I right?

Yeah, you're right.

Isn't that unbelievable, Ray and Patricia getting married?

When's the wedding?

Sunday.

Marriages, anniversaries.

I mean, a guy could get confused.

I mean--

Don't worry about a tux.

It's going to be outside, in the park, under the bridge.

Which?

Hell Gate.

No.

Yeah.

Hey, Monte.

You want to be happy for the rest of your life?

Fall in love with your wife.

How could you make plans with Al tonight?

To sell a painting.

We were supposed to see my parents.

They hate me.

They do not.

Hey.

Why are you cancelling at the last minute, huh?

This is important.

Because I got to think, all right?

Because I got a lot to think about.

Because, because--

Yeah?

Ray.

Did I object when you said we had to get married

under the Hell Gate Bridge?

No.

So why can't you do this for me?

- Look, can't you understand? - Huh.

Something came up. All right?

I'm under a lot of pressure.

Who is this?

If I don't trust my instincts, then I'm dead.

I'm a dead man.

Uh-oh.

You just triggered my built-in shit detector.

I hear sirens going off in my head!

Sirens!

All right.

Hey, give me a break. All right?

Hey, stop it!

I got it.

You're planning on leaving me at the altar, aren't you?

Ray.

Ray, look at me.

OK, fine.

Be there or don't be there.

That's up to you.

Either way, I'm showing up.

You understand?

This is one decision you're going

to have to make on your own.

Have a great time.

Ah!

and gentlemen, your attention, please.

As you can see, nothing up my sleeves.

My lovely assistant, Hibachi Jack.

And presto.

Ooh!

Come on, Jack.

Where is it?

Well, perhaps someone down here knows where it is.

Body search!

All right, body search for everyone until we find it.

Ooh, wrong kind of bar.

Hey.

How old are you?

I'm 21.

And I'm Humpty Dumpty.

Hey.

Jack and Jill went up the hill--

Hey, Ray.

How's it going?

Not this stupid trick again.

I can't stop him.

I just can't stop him.

You know about Humpty Dumpty.

He forgot.

No, he didn't.

Yeah, he did.

Ma, don't start this shit.

All right?

You kiss your mother with that mouth?

Not unless I'm shaking.

Night of your anniversary, you're standing around waiting.

Don't surprise me a bit.

It's starting again, my breathing.

Ah, let's face it, Carla.

The guy's a creature.

You married a horror film.

You trying to kill me, ma?

Go ahead.

Go ahead.

Here, use this. No, wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

I'll get you something dull so it'll really hurt.

How about a butter knife?

You're so dramatic.

This is nice. This is very nice.

How much?

Monte gave me a break.

Oh, yeah?

What'd you give him?

Invitation to your wedding.

No.

Really?

Oh, that's great.

Now I'm going to have to hire security guards.

These are on me, guys.

Congratulations, Ray. It's about time.

All right.

Thanks a lot.

Salute.

Let me see the piece.

OK.

Come on, Jack.

Women want men who taste great, not men with great taste.

You know, your cousin's brilliant.

He's quoting fish now.

Whoa.

This is great.

Here.

Thank you.

All right.

I'm going to take it in the back.

Thanks a lot.

For what?

For what?

You're turning every store owner on Astoria Boulevard

into an art collector.

Come on.

It's an investment.

You're going to be famous.

And when you are, they're all going to feel things.

What could be bad?

I know what time it is.

Look, just cancel the reservations, OK?

Yeah.

I'll take the kids to my place.

There hasn't been domestic violence

there since your father died. - No.

Look, I just want to know something bad happened to him.

Then everything will be all right.

Oh, come on, Carla. Smell the garbage.

He's in a bar and he's buying the next round--

Ma, shut up.

Stepping for those failures he calls friends.

You see the violence?

You could've married anybody.

He's a fishmonger!

I'll call you.

Carla!

Shit. I'm so late.

I've got to go. - Hey.

See you later, Jack.

All right.

Take care.

Hey. - Hey.

Ho. - It's Joey Clams.

Hey.

Ho-ho.

Guy thinks he's Santa Claus.

There he is.

Hey, Al, I want to talk to you.

OK, but I got to know.

Is Clams really your last name?

Hey.

Yeah, and ho's next, right?

Get out of my face, and stay out of my business.

All right. Come on, Al.

Let's go.

Play that funky music right.

You see the shit I've got to put up with?

This stinks like fish and talks to me like that?

Only in Queens, I'm telling you.

He's yours.

'Til you die.

Yeah, yeah.

Joey Clams.

Guy watched too many gangster movies,

comes up with a name like that.

Al, you like being married?

What?

Being married, do you like it?

Like?

Like is kind of a strong word.

Ah, so you love it.

Hey.

What do we got here, cold feet time?

Am I right?

No.

OK, listen, you're confused?

Fine.

You be as confused as you want.

It's practically a tradition.

And I should know, I'm married to a wonderful woman, a saint.

Am I right?

Yeah.

And I got two lovely kids, a house.

I'm the fucking "Donna Reed Show" for Christ's sake.

OK? Just relax.

- All right. - All right?

- Yeah. - It's going to be fine.

All right.

Uh-oh.

I'm dead.

Carla's going to kill me. It's our anniversary.

Oh, yeah. Hey, hey.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, you want to shoot pool?

I'm just kidding.

Jeez, married guys.

Mmph.

Carla, I'm home.

I've been really trying, baby, trying to hold

back this feeling for so long.

And if you feel--

Ow.

--like I feel, baby, come on.

Oh--

Ooh.

--come on.

Woo.

Let's get it on.

Ah, baby, let's get it on.

Let's love, baby.

Let's get it on.

Hey.

Where's the babysitter?

You mean my mother?

Why can't you just say it?

Mo-ther.

Yeah.

Where did Maria go?

I sent her home.

I'm not laughing this time, Al.

You and your friggin' friends.

You can't do this to me!

And giving yourself to me--

Roberta!

Angelica!

What?

What?

Get your stuff.

We're going to grandma's.

You like baseball, Al?

You like baseball?

You're out.

You're history.

I'm leaving you.

No, check that.

We are leaving.

Come on.

Hi, daddy.

Come on!

I'm asking you, baby, to get it on with me.

Ooh, ooh.

Ooh.

Ray.

Ray.

Leave me alone.

What do you want?

Where's Ray?

He's on the roof.

OK.

How do I look?

Amazing.

That didn't help.

Hey.

Rule one, Eliot, be nice to the bride.

I like the globe.

Yeah?

Hey, what are you doing?

I thought we were going to have sex this morning.

I'll tell you what.

You get off work early, and I'll see if I can squeeze you

in before we go to my parents'.

You want to talk?

What about? What do you want to talk about?

Oh, nothing. I just--

No, I'm OK. I'm fine.

I'm OK.

This is nuts.

Look, two days, it'll be over.

Right?

Right.

Then we'll be back, huh?

We'll just be us, right?

Huh?

So sometimes it goes away, right?

Right.

Yeah.

And then it comes back, huh?

Look, does this chick love you, or am I the pope?

Hm?

And do your laundry, and be your love slave.

And be your muse.

These days?

Forget it, doesn't exist, except for us.

Huh?

Mm.

Down, boys.

It's payday, and I'm the boss.

De-bone that before noon.

Thank you very much.

Animals.

Wait a minute.

Don't-- don't hang up.

Carla! Don't hang up!

Shit.

I will be the first to admit I want to die,

but let's kill one of them first.

We hired them.

We can kill them.

Why are you wearing those?

No reason.

What happened?

This morning, the freezer.

I walk in and--

--bam!

Sea bass.

From Maine.

Al, you got problems, I'm here for you.

Don't give me bullshit.

OK.

OK, I'm sorry.

Send the scum up.

They're already here.

Come in!

Moe, Larry, Curly, welcome.

Uh, will that be check or cash?

Oh, god.

I love tequila.

Mm, mm.

Wait a minute.

What do you mean wait a minute?

Not here.

What do you mean not here?

Mm.

Here.

I could have been somebody, Charlie, instead of an actor,

which is what I am.

But I'm not home right now, so just leave your message.

Who's that supposed to be, Brando?

That's terrible.

You call yourself an actor?

Where are you?

You're at home.

I can sense it.

And you've got a girl there, some sex kitten from the Upper

West Side who puts out.

Am I right?

Eliot, we got to move to Manhattan.

If Vinny can score there--

Something's wrong.

No.

It's not that bad.

When are you going to stop letting the big head

be ruled by the little head?

And it is little, isn't it lady?

I don't know how you do it.

Eliot was saying--

El, what was it?

It's his forehead.

The bathroom.

It's prehistoric.

You know, women love that Neanderthal thing.

Oh, yeah, the bathroom.

The bathroom, that's hot.

Yeah, I like that.

OK, listen.

Be at Jack's at 8:00.

We'll pick up Dennis at the airport.

He'll be ready to party after his trip from LA,

so don't bother to clean up your place.

We'll just trash it.

Hello, Al?

I'm here.

Hold on, hold on.

Oh, come on, Dolores, not my shoes!

God, I feel so alone at this moment.

She's a lawyer, for Christ's sake.

Oh, he must've scored big at happy hour.

Vin, you got to get your phone out of the bathroom.

Oh, she's the one, Vin.

Marry her.

Can I be your best man too?

Double wedding, double wedding.

Come on.

Don't bust my balls, Al, not right now.

I mean, jeez.

If you were here, you'd see how pathetic this is.

We got company. - Dolores.

What? - Yeah.

One Joseph Clams.

Aim for the bowl, please.

Shit! This guy--

Here, take this towel.

This guy. I don't need this, Eliot.

- What guy? - This guy is like Darth Vader.

I'm going to have to kill him. - Yeah.

Al, you're a little tense. - Kill who?

Why don't you take the rest of the day

off, put an ice pack on your head or something?

You know, take your wife to a movie

and maybe kiss her for a change.

What are you guys talking about?

Go on. I'll take care of it.

Eliot?

God, I hate these speaker phones.

I feel like I'm in a garbage can.

See you tonight, Vinny. - Guys.

You guys.

Guys, I'm not kidding. Come on.

Are you th--

Vinny.

I'm better now.

Mm.

Simon says, come in.

Excuse me if I--

What do you mean disturbing me in my place of income?

I was looking for Al.

He's gone fishing.

Don't push.

Don't lean.

Don't show your face here again.

Do I make myself clear?

Good.

Now go on before I act out a little fantasy of mine.

Hello, Maria.

Can I, uh, speak to your daughter?

She's not home, Al.

Come on.

We got cut off today.

I was at the store on the--

She doesn't want to talk to, Al.

So please, why don't you go home?

What do you want?

I'm busy.

Carla.

What?

Come on.

Come on what?

OK.

OK what?

OK.

I love when we can talk like this, Al.

Enough.

When are you coming home?

I don't know.

Look. I don't want to talk to you.

You scared the kids.

Me?

Who got the black eye?

Who destroyed our home?

I got to go.

Look, I only got two kids.

I didn't adopt you, Al.

I married you.

Sorry about the punch.

You got to be kidding!

I got to work for a living!

I can't take it, Carla!

God.

If your father was alive.

What did I do?

Hey!

Carla!

I hate sleeping alone!

There, I said it!

Hey!

Knock it off down there!

Do you think I got an expressive face?

Yeah.

You and Bingo the chimp.

Get out of here.

Idiots!

I'm home!

Oh, jeez.

Look what he's wearing.

Mr. Hollywood.

Douche bag.

See, I told you I'd come.

Didn't I tell you I'd come?

How you doing, Ray?

All right, Den. How you doing?

All right.

I'm not looking at this guy.

Samurai night fever.

Bruce fucking Lee, look at him.

You really shouldn't stay away so long.

Look what it does to him.

No.

You're slipping.

Piece of cake.

I had you all the way.

Who popped you?

Sea bass.

Oh, yeah?

Fresh or frozen?

Fresh frozen.

God, I missed you guys.

Get off of me.

Hello?

Hi.

It's me.

Carla, I was just thinking about you.

What are you doing?

Well, my mother made these rice bags for the wedding,

but I heard that rice kills birds digestively,

so I'm refilling them with sesame.

Birds like sesame, right?

I left Al.

No.

Shit.

Can I come over?

Yeah, come over.

OK.

Those guys.

What are they thinking of?

There may not be a wedding?

What is he, nuts?

That's what he told us.

He's in one of his moods.

Suffering artist.

I hate it when he gets like that.

He should hold onto her with his teeth, the lucky bastard.

The gods were jealous the day he moved in with her.

I mean, it's not--

ah, forget it.

What am I saying?

It's his life.

It's none of my business, right?

Right.

Right.

Right.

Hollywood!

LA.

No, it's incredible. I'm serious.

You guys got to come out there. - Oh, yeah.

I mean, like, they'd love that thing we got.

Sure.

You know, that rude, like, uncivilized New

York thing we got?

It works big time.

I swear to god.

Hey, you got room?

You got room there? - Oh, yeah.

Because I'm thinking of coming out.

No, definitely. Hollywood Boulevard.

I got a room with a view.

Why don't we all move out there?

Vinny can act, Ray can paint, I can find

some other fucking job I hate.

- No way! - Incoming!

No way!

Incoming!

There's a certain man out there,

want to do the thing he's supposed to do.

But baby won't do nothin' 'til I get rid of you.

And I'm tired of that.

Hey, Al, this pool makes me think of when we were kids.

Oh, yeah?

Makes me think of Arnold, the wild kiss of 23rd Avenue.

That kid was a lot weirder than you, Den.

Who's Arnold?

We used to pay Arnold a nickel to kiss stuff--

fences, fire hydrants.

In the winter, for a quarter, he'd even kiss dog shit,

you know, if it was frozen.

Yeah.

So in fifth grade, Arnold comes over to my house

and blames me for his life.

He's like, you suck.

He says to me, I'm weird because you paid me to kiss stuff.

And just for that, I'm going to land on your block.

And I'm like, hey, Arnold, land on this, bud.

And then it dawns on me, off the Hell Gate Bridge

and onto my block.

I'm like, whoa, whoa, whoa, Arnold, Arnold, take it easy,

come on.

It's just a phase.

It'll pass.

Did it?

Almost.

Dennis adopts Arnold, their lives have meaning.

It's true.

His lips did not touch inanimate objects for months.

We get detention, right?

Bell rings, school's out.

Octavio Macharola's in a bad mood.

He makes Arnold kiss Tina Fabio's gym sneakers

in the yard in front of the whole school.

Yeah, right.

So by the time we make it back to my house,

there's fire engines and, like, cops, ambulances and shit.

Arnold's mother's screaming something in Greek.

They're putting Arnold into a baggie.

And I'm like, hey, very polite, nice aim.

Stupid motherfucker.

To Arnold, and to Al, the only two

to climb the line on the Hell Gate Bridge.

Arnold!

Hey, Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold!

Arnold!

Hey, Ray.

It's me, Tony Bennett.

I hope to be singing at your wedding.

You know, it was almost 30 years ago,

I was at the Fairmont Hotel where the bartender said,

Tony, sing that song about-- - Shit.

--San Francisco.

It'll be a smash.

Needless to say, it turned out to be my biggest recording,

which just goes to show you should

listen to your local bartender.

He may turn out to be your best friend.

Hey, Tony, sing "The Good Life."

Don't mind if I do.

Oh, the good life.

He's worse than usual.

No, about the same.

Here's Tony!

Help me!

Help me!

There's a dancer in my body!

Burn these.

Where are the bodies?

It's starting again.

Wait.

Where'd you get these clothes?

What's starting?

My breathing.

I've been hyperventilating all the time lately.

That ever happen to you? - What, are you kidding?

I keep oxygen in the closet.

Where are these clothes from?

I'm choking on backed-up anger.

That's poison.

Unreleased anger becomes cancer.

Breathe.

Who the hell does he think he is anyway?

That's good.

You're releasing toxins.

Keep it coming.

I'm standing there, wearing my hair the way he likes it,

a dress that he picked out.

And he walks in three friggin' hours late.

And he's singing, he's smiling.

He wants to dance.

You're pissed.

That's healthy.

Then it clicked.

I'm living his life, and I don't even know it.

You guys are pussies.

This is the way we were born, naked.

I can't believe we got to wear Dennis' clothes.

I can't wear this.

Then stay naked.

Hey, Den, you got any earth tones, any grays, browns?

What are you complaining about?

These clothes are awesome.

Hell, I'm staying like this.

This is great.

I'm having flashbacks from when I was in the womb!

Hey, boys, stand up!

Where you going?

Manhattan!

So are we!

Ooh, classy.

This ain't Queens Boulevard.

Pick me, please.

Pick me.

Come on.

This place is so cool, man.

I would, like, die to get into this bitchin' club.

Please, come on, seriously.

He wasn't like this when I left.

There's a monster in my pants, and it makes me want to dance.

I think.

Uh-uh.

Hi.

We hate lines.

Right this way, gentlemen.

What, do I have to pay now?

Adventures in Feverland.

Police, coming through. Police.

Sheesh, just want to

Bunch of foo-foo heads.

Five beers.

You know, De Niro hangs out here.

- No shit. - Yeah.

I could do some serious soul-searching

in a place like this.

This music's making my teeth hurt.

How's Carla?

Spending the weekend with my mother-in-law.

You know, I don't think she likes me.

Who, Carla?

She don't

Yeah, I knew that.

Patricia don't either.

Really?

See, I didn't know that.

Come on, Vinny. Give me Vinny.

Let's go.

Where have we been?

When did these people grow up?

Where are their parents?

Why are they up so late?

Thinkin' about the nights when we used to be loud,

but we had to keep it down for the people ..

Then I thought that I was just a typical guy, but I'm not.

So why'd you make me cry?

Callin' out your name.

Wow.

Look at that.

Oh, woof.

Oh, man.

That is the key to good acting, my friend.

What, being lesbians?

No, being private in public like that.

That's great.

Yeah, well it's making me horny.

Yeah?

Me too.

Look at this.

Look at this.

Look at those two.

One of these days, their dicks are going to fall off.

Yeah.

Well, Vinny's only in it for the romance,

and Dennis would just use another part of his body.

Hello.

Um, excuse me.

I didn't mean to interrupt, but I was standing over there

and I couldn't help but notice that you were holding her head.

And I was just wondering, you know, like, what for?

She's very shy.

Uh, Inez is a healer.

A healer?

Of course.

That's what you were doing.

Oh, that's, uh--

wow.

I don't know what to say.

That's odd.

I've never actually met one of you before,

nor can I say that I, in fact, believe in it at all.

But-- but, hey.

What do I know, right?

I'm just a kid from Queens who's making it big in Hollywood,

I might mention.

So what do you do?

I produce documentaries for PBS.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, that's great.

That's great.

About what?

Vanishing species, animal rights.

Oh, yeah, yes.

Save the whales, right?

Right.

Well, that's-- that's good stuff.

Yeah.

So, you like music?

I love music.

I play the clarinet.

Good.

Great.

Let's dance.

I know what you're thinking.

It's time to get romantic--

Hi.

--and meet somebody to call your one and only.

than leave you out in the cold.

Baby, you know--

Guy or girl?

What?

Guy or girl?

Girl.

Well, how am I supposed to pee in a bisexual bathroom?

Maybe this will help.

It's tempting, but I don't think so, lady.

Oh, a real person.

Where are you from?

Queens.

You?

Hell.

Jeez, you are very sexy.

I know.

But you keep snorting that shit,

you're going to end up making some guy a terrific memory.

What is this, a vampire movie?

Life is a party.

It's just a party.

Life is a party-2-go.

It's a party-2-go.

Oh, oh.

Oh, my god.

Are you-- are you all right?

Get help.

Yes.

What happened to your friend?

Dennis has some physical problems.

Physical problems?

Yeah.

He's a white man who thinks he's James Brown.

Hey.

What happened?

Oh, I think I pulled something.

How'd I look? - Great.

I think I'm in love.

What, you want to do the belly rub with Psychic Susan?

Inez.

Hey, whatever.

- Huh? - Ooh.

Inez, huh? Get phone numbers.

Invite them to our bachelor party.

Maybe they'll strip for us.

Wait. Did you say bachelor party?

- No. - Yes, you did.

No, I didn't.

Yes, you did.

Hey.

There's not going to be a bachelor party, all right?

I don't want a bachelor party.

All right, all right, all right.

Forget it.

Vinny, tell him it's a welcome home party for me.

Come on, get up. We're leaving.

Ray just had a brush with sex, made me very hungry.

Get out of here. What'd she look like?

Incredible.

Well, introduce me.

Come on.

We're going to Vinny's Manhattan love nest.

Yeah, it's, like, all night long tomorrow,

across the street from the White Horse.

Take my card.

That's me.

Thanks.

If yous kiss, I'm going to be hurt.

Want to come eat?

Um, well, no, but thank you.

Suit yourself.

Maybe someday I'll explain it to you.

What is it?

Patty, what's going on?

Let's just say, you're not the only one who's choking.

I think Ray is having, um, doubts.

They all do.

Forget it.

You remember Al?

We couldn't find him for four days.

Looked all over until, finally, he

comes down from the bridge at the last minute,

right into my mother's backyard.

You remember that?

To get married.

I think that's when she started hating him.

Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah, you're right.

Sure I am.

Forget it.

You know women are supposed to develop sooner than men.

They tell you that.

What they don't tell you is some of them never develop at all.

Ray, can you smell me from over there?

We can always smell you, Al.

Fucking fish.

No wonder this kit wants to blow me.

I can't live like this, the toil and the smell of fish,

for this, the result of the fruit of my labor.

Don't look too good on me.

Hey, shut up with the piano music!

Hey.

Why don't you shut up, you fucking fishmonger?

The guy's a genius!

Don't start this again.

Why not?

Because I'm happy the way I am.

No, you're not.

Really?

Why not?

Because you live a sheltered life.

Oh, sheltered by what?

By me, by us, by staying in that apartment

after the rest of us moved out because living

in that apartment with Ray and Patricia

keeps your life on hold, Eliot.

I mean, you had to sit us down and tell us for Christ's sake,

you know, because--

because, I don't know, we couldn't talk about it, knowing

all that time, you haven't had one relationship,

not one affair with anyone.

What do you think?

It's time to take a chance, right?

I mean, what have you got to lose?

Uh, what is it you want me to say, that I don't go out much?

You're right.

I don't.

That I haven't had much experience?

You're right. I haven't.

That makes you happy?

I am a homosexual who cannot relate to gay men,

their role-playing, their affectations,

and this makes it impossible for me to break through and talk

to the man, not the homosexual.

Do you understand?

I refuse to give up anything that makes me a man.

Why should I, to make them feel safe?

To make them feel I'm not a threat,

I don't have a sense of who I am.

Forget it.

I'm going to be stronger than that.

And besides, I haven't met anybody yet.

What the hell happened?

I don't know.

Really.

I mean--

Come on.

What are you still doing with the ring?

Me and Carla had a fight.

She took the kids and left before I could give it to her.

She the sea bass, Al?

Shit.

You seen Carla?

Yeah, I seen her.

So what's the damage?

You ever been in a hurricane, Al?

Come on, cut the bullshit.

What do I got to do?

You could crawl through glass on your hands and knees

with a sign on your back that says "asshole."

That might get you in the door.

OK, fine.

If you want us, we'll be at Vin's.

Well, you tell Ray the meter is running.

No, no.

Don't tell Ray anything.

You tell me something, Al.

Why are you here talking to me?

Why aren't you talking to Carla?

Why aren't I talking to Ray?

I get so tired of you guys.

I can't even figure it out.

Hey.

Where's Eliot?

He's in the back.

What's this?

Pizza.

Ooh, shoes.

Well, it's you and me against them, huh?

Yeah, that's fair.

Here.

It's Vinny and Dennis against us.

The queen and the jackass of hacks.

Hey I'm not going to hurt you.

Get back out here.

You're the piano player.

I heard you last night.

You're real good.

Thank you.

You got sneakers?

- Yes, I do. - Great.

Go get them on and meet us out front.

We need a sixth man.

Today!

You're killing me, Marty.

With these guys, no blood, no foul.

Here we are.

Oh, we'll never get a court.

Monte, open the glove and hand me my .38.

What?

Hand me my .38.

Come on.

How else are we going to get a court on a Saturday afternoon?

Please, I-- I--

I don't-- let me go.

I'm kidding.

I'm going to lock it in the trunk.

This guy's sensitive like you, Vin.

You wouldn't know sensitive if it hit you.

Don't worry, Marty.

These guy's are cretins.

Come on, Al, you old man.

Who are you calling old?

You've got the best of my love.

Oh, oh.

You've got the best of my love.

Oh, oh.

Hey, look who's here.

- Hey. - I want to be a redhead.

No.

Yeah.

What, you want me to do it?

Yeah.

What are you all lit up for?

It ain't Christmas.

I'll tell you what I'm all lit up for.

'Cause love has to fall somewhere short of suicide.

It took me years to learn that.

Change your hair, change your life.

That's why I'm here.

Last week-- last week, I'm with this Columbia student,

18 years old.

We're lying there, we just made love.

- Fucked. - Yeah.

What happened?

Then she, uh--

she's talking away, you know.

She's smoking a cigarette, and I'm lying there.

And I'm getting more and more, what is it, self-conscious.

Guilty.

Wait a minute, wait a minute, wait a minute.

You got no business being in this conversation, Al.

You got a house, a wife, and two kids.

You are not supposed to be happy.

Continue.

So I-- I look at her, you know,

like maybe we'll connect, you know, maybe I'll calm down,

but it don't work.

No, it just makes me start sweating.

I just-- I mean, I am dripping wet with anxiety

and she's not noticing nothing.

I mean, she just keeps right on talking

like I'm not even there.

And her voice-- her voice starts sounding like another language

or, like, under water.

I don't know, something about being that young, you know?

I mean, and I'm thinking, what am I doing here?

You know?

Like, I don't even know this girl.

I mean, I'm lying there with this very sexy, dyed-blond MTV

baby, and I'm feeling like--

well, like I'm disappearing.

Vin, Vin, Vin.

Look, just be honest.

What you want gets down on all fours and barks at the moon.

Now, the sooner you admit that, the better.

Yeah.

Just find yourself a girl who'll

join you in some serious howling at the moon,

and you'll stop disappearing real quick.

I promise you.

All right.

Am I right, Marty?

I understand.

OK.

What am I doing?

Trying to live?

Yeah, I can tell.

My heart's beating a million miles a minute.

Maybe thus much living will kill me.

Stop.

What do you do?

What?

When Ray goes on binges.

I handle it.

Ray's got talent.

I got my own business.

We support each other.

We laugh a lot.

We're best friends.

And he's scared shitless.

After five years of watching him struggle,

I still believe in him, even when

he doesn't believe in himself.

Honey.

He'll wake up.

He'll wake up, or I'll kill him.

So you're sure about what you're doing?

No.

Well, you got to be sure about what you're doing.

I mean, you got to be taking responsibility for your actions

at a time like this.

What's that supposed to be?

Hey, Den, why don't you sit down?

Because let's face it, Patty is--

is the ultimate.

You know how I feel about this, right?

No, I don't, Den.

Well, we got a history.

You and Patty?

Right, I know.

Well, yeah, yeah, that's true.

But no, no.

I meant all of us.

What are you saying, Den, because now you're bugging me?

What I'm saying is that we're there for you, right?

But who is there for Patty?

Ah.

I mean, maybe it would be a good idea

if one of us, I don't know, you know, went over there and--

Oh, so you're saying that you want to do something for Patty,

right?

Well, you don't need my permission, Den.

You know?

I mean, do it.

Take your best shot again.

Oh, look, Ray. Come on, come on.

Don't get nasty.

All I'm saying--

Is what, Den, that you really care?

I got it.

And all I'm saying is, if you want to talk to her,

talk to her.

Ray.

Hi, guys.

Don't all jump up at once.

Your hair's red.

That's very good.

Now can you say something nice to mommy?

Where's daddy?

Dips, check.

Chips, check.

Dogs, check.

Buns, check.

Pat, why not?

Provolone, definitely.

Caviar--

- Go ahead. - No way.

You take it.

You saw it first.

Hey, it's beluga.

I never buy imports.

I'm a domestic kind of guy.

Oh, no, no. I insist.

No way.

It's just fish eggs anyway.

I'm sick of fish.

OK.

Have a nice party.

Hey, you want to come?

It's just around the corner.

No, but thanks for the offer.

Uh, Gorgonzola, check.

Do you deliver?

Huh?

Do you deliver?

What?

Do you deliver?

If the guy's here then we deliver.

Well, is the guy here?

How should I know?

Look, hate your job, but don't hate me.

I'm a great guy. - Hey.

Are you starting something with me?

Because if you're starting something you can just--

- Look. - Hey!

Hey!

Let's start over, shall we?

Good afternoon.

Good afternoon.

Do you deliver?

Yes.

Great.

Here's my address.

I'm going to take a few munchies over there with me.

You send over the rest.

OK?

Now this should cover it.

And a little something for you for being so nice,

box seats, the Mets, tonight.

Good afternoon.

A pack of Gauloises, please?

What?

The French cigarettes in the blue box.

Patricia's pissed.

She's thinking of canceling this wedding, Ray.

Look, can I say something?

Sure.

Something is happening above and beyond what

is happening at this moment.

Well, that's heavy, Ray, but what the fuck are you saying?

I'm saying that there is an event

which may occur which will or will not result in a wedding.

Ray, save it.

OK?

Will there or won't there be an event which we can all

see with our fucking eyes tomorrow afternoon, something

that looks like a wedding?

No, probably.

No.

Definitely, no.

Fine.

Then let's figure out a way for you to tell her.

OK?

OK.

What do you want from me, blood?

You want blood?

Are you in there?

Joey?

You waste product! - Aw.

You want a pay-off?

Here's a pay-off!

Here's some potato chips!

We'll have a picnic!

Oh! Oh, man.

Shit. - Den.

Sorry.

Smells good, actually.

Yeah, well, the whites are for purity

and the reds are for passion.

I meant the cannolis.

Good to see you, Den.

Patty, it's good to see you, you know?

It's just, I come home for your wedding

and there's all this craziness happening.

And I say to myself, you know, it's like this--

I'm like-- I was going to drop these off for my Aunt Gayle.

You want to, uh--

Yeah.

So, how's Hollywood?

Hollywood?

Oh, forget about it.

It's great, couldn't be better.

Tons of studio work, you know?

Just a matter of time.

Before what?

Before what?

Well, you know, before, uh, a record deal.

Could you imagine?

Oh, man.

It's good to be home.

I miss this place, the old neighborhood.

Hasn't changed, huh?

So, it's good to see you.

Look, I can't stop dreaming about you, all right?

I feel like a mutant for saying so, but it's just that I--

I heard about all this shit that was happening and, you know,

I got dizzy to say something, thinking that this might

be the last time I'm able to.

And if I didn't, well, you know, I might spend the rest

of my life regretting it.

And you know, life's too short.

Don't you think?

I don't know.

I-- I think you better say something

here before I pass out and die.

How can a guy with such lousy timing be any kind of musician?

Den, I'm a woman in crisis here.

Oh, my god. I know.

I know. - No.

No, Den. - I know that.

I knew that. - No, stop.

It's just that I was, you know--

No, stop, no.

It's fine.

I'm-- I'm flattered.

Yeah?

I am.

But, um, the cards are on the table,

as in I'm in the middle of a hand here,

and I'm not budging until it's over.

So, see you at the wedding?

OK.

All right.

[MUSIC - SLY & THE FAMILY STONE, "THANK YOU

I want to thank you falettinme be mice elf agin.

Yeah.

Ha-ha-ha!

Refill? Hello.

How are you?

Hi.

Welcome to the party, This ain't no disco.

There'll be no wedding.

This ain't no fooling around.

Twins, happy to see you.

Hi. How are you?

It's for you.

Thanks.

If you're slow, you blow.

If you love, you lose.

And so it goes.

Come back kid?

Are you kidding?

If you wants to swingle, you gots

to mingle 'cause this is it.

You live.

You make yourself a little soup.

You put a little class in there.

You make it just a little bit special.

You sit down.

You eat it.

You watch a movie.

You pick up your trumpet.

You play for a while. It goes.

It happens.

It's wonderful.

You know?

I love life.

Have you got any mousse?

There's plenty of women around, you know?

Carla, look who it is.

Hey, Monte, be our chaperone!

You know, just this morning, I said to myself,

I said, self, it's time to settle down and get married.

But how can I do that when the only two

women I care about in the world are taken by other men?

Aw.

You know what my self says to me?

No.

Why don't you tell us, Monte?

Myself says to me, don't worry,

because it's going to happen.

Ooh, that's romantic, a story of unguided love.

You look fantastic, Carla.

Told you.

Thank you, Monte.

And you--

I don't know.

There's something new and exciting

going on with your hair.

And you, Monte, are yourself, only more so.

Pow.

Congrats, Patty.

Glad to see you finally nailed the bastard.

Ooh.

Personally, I never thought he had it in him, but, uh--

Nice.

Thanks, Monte.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Come on.

Yous two coming with me.

Well, where we going?

Come on.

We're going to party at Jack's.

- Jack's? - Come on.

Yeah, sure.

We'd love to.

I mean, why not?

Yeah?

After you.

I got my own car, Monte.

Yeah, we're going to go separate.

This is unbelievable.

This must be my lucky night.

Maybe I'll meet somebody like yous two at the wedding.

I mean, I'm-- I'm due for Christ's sakes.

I mean, am I due?

I'm due.

So how do you know these guys?

We all lived together in the '70s.

This little place?

Uh, no.

It's in Queens, next to the Hell Gate Bridge.

All five of you in one apartment?

It's a two-bedroom.

So what?

Did you all grow up together?

Well, Ray and Al grew up with Vinny and Dennis.

I grew up all by myself.

I'm sorry.

It's just-- these guys, are they really your type?

Uh, that, I don't know, but they're the best I could do.

Never have I seen such a beam from one's eyes that has

streamed so clearly into mind.

Inez, I'm so glad you could make it.

Are you?

Absolutely.

Hm.

We'll see about that.

OK.

Here we go.

To be real.

What you find-ah.

Hey, hey.

What are you doing?

I'm trying to get the paint off my hands.

Forget it.

It's like trying to wash off the stench of fish.

We're stained for life.

Tell me something.

If you were making money painting,

would you marry Patricia?

You know what I'd paint?

I'd paint me and you in classical settings.

Why not?

We're classy guys.

It means I don't belong here.

And if I don't belong here, then what business have I

got getting married?

Where here?

Manhattan, Queens, Earth, where?

Here, right up here.

See, I always feel like I've got to mix part of what I got up

here with something else because the thing I got up here,

it isn't good enough, who I am, where I'm from.

Like-- like, how am I ever going paint frescos in Italy?

I'm marrying a hairdresser from Queens.

Oh, Ray.

You're not a brave man.

Oh.

Now, what is that supposed to mean, huh?

Hurry up and get a life like yours?

Yours?

Why don't you try paying attention

to your own life, huh?

Scared?

You bet your ass I'm scared.

I got weird role models, Al.

Yeah.

You're brave, right?

You're brave.

But you know, who knows?

Maybe I'll eat something tonight and I'll wake up with guts.

What you find-ah.

What you feel now.

What you know-ah.

Let me guess.

You're healing his broken heart.

Am I right?

So, uh--

Can we dance now or what? - No.

- No? - Uh-uh.

Mm-mm.

Why not?

I need to know you better.

Shake it, baby, shake it.

To be real.

Real now.

To be real.

To be real.

To be real.

I've got to have it, baby.

Ooh, ooh, ooh.

I've got to have it, baby.

Ooh, ooh--

So are you here to mourn the death of something,

or do you want to dance?

--ooh.

I've got to have it, baby.

I've got to have it, baby.

I've got to have it.

Both.

Ha.

Baby, hold onto me.

Whatever will be will be.

So it's the hottest day on Earth,

and we're all packed in my backyard

like sardines for this barbecue.

He's get this hibachi.

It's about this big, cooks maybe three dogs and a bun.

Hey.

Anyway, everybody's stoned.

And me and Dennis start jamming when, all of a sudden, Al

shows up on the garage roof holding a mic.

He looks like some--

some weird vision of Tony Bennett.

He sings the whole song to Carla,

and I never had a chance.

That's because you can't sing.

Here's to, uh, Hibachi Jack and his backyard of fools.

Whatever will be, will be.

The truth is ours to see.

Hey, Jack.

How about pouring some for the men?

Don't you know the future's looking brighter?

That was the day I fell in love with Al.

Hey.

Don't be thinking 'bout what's not enough now, baby.

Just be thinking 'bout what we got.

Look at him.

He's so cute.

Cute?

The guy buys a new Monte Carlo every year

because his name is Monte.

I'm talking about Jack.

Ooh.

Could I have a little bit of quiet in here, please?

Just a little bit of quiet?

Can I have a little bit of quiet in here?

Quiet!

What's he doing?

Thank you.

I would like to take a moment here to propose a toast.

You know, I've always believed that, in life, you

lead with your jaw.

So if I get knocked out, then throw me

in the booth over there and, uh, pour liquor over me.

OK?

Woo.

Hm.

Tonight, we are blessed with two of the best on the night

before one of their weddings.

Tomorrow there will be no more fish in the sea

for poor old Monte McFadden.

Aw.

Patricia and Ray, god bless, good luck, down the hatch.

Patricia and Ray, hey!

Here, here.

Patricia and Ray.

Here, here.

Hey.

Hey, Patty.

If you go off on your honeymoon, who's going to do my hair?

Oh, I don't know, Rosa.

I'm trying to take the global view here,

but things are starting to get to me.

I mean, I don't think of myself as a violent person,

but I'm losing perspective.

I mean, I'm surrounded by idiots.

- Patty, hey. - And I--

Patty.

Give me a chance to earn a living here.

All right? OK?

Yeah.

Let's get started, got a lot of work to do.

So what's it like for you?

What?

Painting.

How does it feel?

I don't know.

Where do you get your images from?

Your dreams will take you very far, yeah.

Blink.

Blink.

I see something.

It comes of blink.

It never goes away.

That's what I paint.

What'd you see on a night so clear?

You have really beautiful eyes.

You know?

You're a shining star no matter who you are.

Thank you.

You see, the British respect their actors.

We have this glorious tradition that has gone on,

passed down through generation and generation.

Dennis, this is Cecil.

How you doing?

Hello.

Cecil, huh?

Yes.

You know, you look very familiar to me.

How very interesting.

You'll excuse me, won't you?

Cecil.

I know I know that guy.

You like him?

Yeah.

Oh, yeah?

See, I don't like him.

I think he's got a sense of style.

Style?

He's got a sense of style?

Yeah, bullshit's more like it.

This guy has got a major sense of bullshit.

Trust me on this.

Why do I get the feeling that you know a lot about this?

Yeah, I know a lot about this.

It's been in my blood my whole life.

I was weaned on bullshit.

Frosty paralyzer?

O wad some pow'r the giftie gie us to see

oursels as ithers see us.

Go ahead.

Applaud, yuppies.

You don't even know what I'm talking about.

Hey.

You ruined my jacket.

Get out of here.

You can't ruin that jacket.

Ooh, France.

That's way out of town.

Never been there myself.

It's you.

You got stress, huh?

Who wouldn't?

This music would make Will Rogers punch a nun.

I've been watching you.

You're a very volatile person.

No.

Really?

Yeah.

If you come out of the kitchen, maybe we can

do something about the music.

What's this?

Benny Goodman?

Pleased to meet you.

Grace.

Al.

Eliot, we have a request.

[MUSIC - BENNY GOODMAN & HIS ORCHESTRA, "SING,

SING, SING"]

This is an interesting group of friends for a guy

who runs a fish store. - Who, me?

Yeah.

I always wanted to be in show business, but I'm in fish.

But my friends tell me, Al, you're not a fish man.

You're a lounge act.

You're funny.

It's true. How about you?

Me?

I'm just rich.

No way.

Me too.

Ah, gentrification.

Someday I expect to see bodies piled up in those bins.

Real estate's just-- it's just like imperialism--

the American Indian, the Upper West Side Puerto Rican.

It's true.

Is that why you stay in Brooklyn?

Kind of keep clear of--

Queens.

I stay in Queens.

Oh, right.

Sorry.

It's just that your friends are like those guys

in movies that are always-- - -from Brooklyn,

you know?

The Bronx.

Why do you keep running away from me?

There's nothing to be afraid of.

I know that.

I'm not running away from you.

I don't like you.

I know what you're thinking.

Here's this poor, repressed faggot from the boroughs

who needs to get laid.

And you know what?

You're right.

But you know what else?

I don't like you.

I don't like what you say.

I don't like the way you talk about my friends.

I'm simply incapable of tolerating your bullshit.

Now, if you follow me back into that party,

I'm going to tear off your arm and beat you down the fucking

street with it.

Goodbye and goodnight.

Just wait.

Just check your instincts.

You were a brunette.

What, you sense that?

No, Patty told me.

She does my hair too.

Come on, sit down.

Come on.

I won't bite you.

Split the cards.

No, left hand.

OK.

Let's see what we got here.

Mm, hm.

Your problem's communicating.

What, Patty told you that too?

No, that did.

Is it true?

Not that I know of.

Definitely communication problems.

Ah, you're divorced.

No.

Yes, divorced.

You were.

What, do you got hearing problems?

I said no.

Well, maybe a long time ago.

Hey, look.

I think I'd know.

Divorced.

- No. - Yes.

No.

Hey, look, you.

I'm not divorced.

I've never been divorced because I'm still happily married.

OK?

You got that?

Huh?

So, no on divorced, but, uh, yes on communication problems.

Didn't I do it, baby?

Gave you a love you never knew, girl.

Ooh.

Didn't I do it, baby?

Didn't I do it, baby?

I've cried so many times and that's no lie.

It seems to make you laugh each time I cry.

What are you doing follow me around?

- Wh-- what-- - No, that's incredible!

Don't fuck with me!

I hate that! - But--

- But what? - I wasn't--

What, you weren't what?

I wasn't--

No, forget it!

Just tell me, what the hell were you doing following me around?

They-- they said you needed someone to videotape a wedding.

They said.

Who said?

Uncle Joey.

Who are you?

I'm a film student at NYU.

I'm Joey Clams' nephew.

Don't you know it, baby?

Yeah.

You're nice.

Yeah.

You're a nice kid.

You're going to do good.

Didn't I blow your mind this time?

Didn't I?

Come on.

Didn't I blow you mind this time?

It's not funny.

It's a nice party.

Nice tux.

Maybe I'm overdressed.

No.

What's the occasion?

Work.

I play piano at The Algonquin.

Yeah.

The?

I saw, uh, Andrea Marcovicci there.

I liked it.

Funny way to say hello.

Gun to the head followed by a warm greeting, real friendly.

Who was that guy?

Just a kid from the neighborhood.

Hey, you OK?

Yeah, I think.

Yeah.

Yeah.

You see, all that stuff I've been

feeling, the breathing, the hyperventilation, the choking,

it's fine.

It is.

You can feel anything you want just

so long as you talk about it.

Talk.

Talk.

No sucker punches?

No more punches.

I'm just going to sit him down and I'm going to tell him.

That's what I'm going to do.

Don't you think they're going to miss me at that party?

No.

Ooh, nitty-gritty talk.

I like that about you.

I really do.

So, uh, where we going?

A nice, quiet place.

We can get to know each other better.

You think they're dealing with it?

No.

Uh-uh.

When these guys get hurt, you know what they do?

They sit around and they lick each other's wounds.

They're like wounded animals.

Ew.

That's what they call this, uh-- this, uh, male bonding.

It's a wounded animals convention.

I'm telling you.

Hello.

It looks like your friend Inez is putting

a spell on my friend Vinny.

Inez is a big girl.

This song kills me, you know.

It reminds me of the time--

Please don't.

Don't what?

Don't start telling me another story about your past.

Guys do this all the time.

They take some trivial, silly little incident

out of their past and turn it into fucking mythology.

Just give me a break, OK?

Television man is crazy, saying we're

juvenile delinquent wrecks.

English cannot do Mamet.

English do Pinter.

Mamet is for Americans. Even that's--

Have you met David?

No, I have not met David. Have you met him?

Hey! Hey.

- Excuse me. - All right, sure.

Come here, you. No, no, no, no!

Wait, wait, wait!

Where are you from?

What business is that of yours?

You're from Floshee.

Your name is Nort, Cecil Nort.

Your brother played sax and I used to do your babysitter.

But what I want to know is, where did you learn

to cop this foo-foo attitude?

I spent a lot of time and money

in London learning it, all right?

Why?

Because people who talk like you get bupkis.

Capiche?

Now--

- may I go?

--dresses like a queen.

But he can kick like a mule.

It's a real mean team--

Bupkis.

--but we can love.

Oh, yes, we can love.

Welcome back.

When you say things, do you mean them?

Oh, yeah.

Yeah, sure.

Abso-- well, yeah, I guess.

What do you mean exactly?

See, I spent the whole night with you,

and I still don't know if I can trust you.

Trust me?

What are you talking about?

You had your eyes closed the whole time.

Did you see me try anything?

Excuse me.

Excuse you?

I need to be alone.

What?

Hey, hey, hey.

Come on, wait a minute.

Aw.

I got to ask you a question.

Go.

Are we losing our touch, or what?

You kidding?

No way.

Sorry, Vin, but these people are so full of shit!

And those chicks, you know, we're lucky we got rid of them.

I don't know, Den. I don't know.

No, no, no. Listen to me.

Are you kidding? Were they howlers?

No.

Would they go to bark at the moon?

No, they would not.

So just forget about it, all right?

Stop sulking.

I have a lovely little flat just around the corner.

You know, Den, maybe you're right.

Maybe you're-- Den?

These are incredible.

Oh, yeah?

These are great.

Your work screams passion.

You're like Caravaggio on crack.

Really nice.

Shit.

I've had the life studied out of me at that school.

I went flat, like, soda flat.

You know?

You understand?

Yeah.

You need some, uh, bubbles.

I need some bubbles.

I'm such a fucking liar.

I'm not-- I'm not successful.

I, uh-- I've been out there three years,

but I ain't do nothing but homesick.

You know how I--

I told you I live on Hollywood Boulevard?

It's skid row, man.

It's like-- it's a dump.

It's not glamorous.

I mean, it's like--

I'm a mess.

I sit out there and I--

I think about things.

And I wonder, like, what the fuck I'm doing.

And you know, I mean--

how come nothing's changed?

Things got to change.

Then just stay here, damn it.

You know, you're always in such a rush to get out.

I mean, you know, just stop running away

and deal with it for once in your life.

Tell me something.

I'll be right back, all right?

I got only one thing to say to you.

That is so beautiful.

I'm not going in there.

Chicken shit.

I'm not going in there.

It's a bachelor party.

You're going in.

OK, but it's a bad idea.

What did I tell you?

Wounded animals.

No.

Stop it.

And in all those years, did I ever once bother

to ask you about your life?

No.

Did I ever ask you if you were happy?

No.

It was always me, me, me.

Little darling--

Who?

--stir it up.

Excuse me.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

Wait.

You're a redhead.

Yeah, I'm a redhead.

Can you work with that, Eliot?

Carla.

What are you doing down there, Den?

Carla.

Oh, Carla.

I'm-- I'm so proud of you.

I mean, you've given birth to three wonderful children.

Two.

Two wonderful children.

And children, they're just--

it's a miracle.

Thank you.

Thank you.

You're welcome, Den.

You OK?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

Hey.

Who is howling?

Vinny.

Is Ray here?

Yeah.

No.

Yeah.

--satisfy your heart's desire.

I will stir it every, every minute.

Oh, yeah.

So, where's Al?

Didn't he, uh--

Um, oh.

Marty, this is Al's wife Carla.

Oh.

You're Al's wife.

Mm-hm.

Little darling--

Now that we all know who I am, where is he?

You know, it's like I talk.

Come on, Eliot.

I saw his car outside.

Did you?

Yeah.

I'll push the wood, light your fire.

I'll satisfy your heart's desire.

I'll stir it every, every minute.

All you go to do is keep it in.

Stir it up.

In or out?

It's getting a little chilly in here.

Stir it up.

My mistake.

Little darling--

Hm?

Mm.

Little darling, stir it up.

Hey.

How's the weather up there?

That good, huh?

I'll be right up.

I'm the one who's ready to fall.

So then he says the women aren't happy.

So he says that, after all the years

of, like, self-help and feminism,

that nobody can talk to anyone.

You can call out my name.

Listen.

Uh, about today, you know, I don't know what I was thinking.

Den, Den.

Look, do you remember what it was like for you and me?

- Yeah. - Yeah?

It was terrible.

No, it's true.

Right.

I sucked a big one.

Yeah.

Yeah.

But then I thought Ray and I had a good thing, huh,

so what would I know?

Oh, wait, wait.

You know, this is a bachelor night,

and you're not even supposed to be here.

In a weird way, he's supposed to be in there.

So what's right, right?

- Den. - No.

- No. - Wait.

Listen. - Den, it's not--

Let me tell you, let me tell you.

You are right for him.

And he is right for no one but you.

Oh, this is great, looks like Greek tragedy.

Ray, Ray, Ray. Listen, listen.

Everything's fine.

Everything's going to be all right.

What do you want, Den? Huh?

It's not like that, Ray.

Do you want my life?

It's not like that.

Then get out of here, Den.

Go.

All right, all right.

I'm going.

Look, nothing happened in there, all right?

- That doesn't matter. - No.

Nothing happened in there, I swear to you.

No.

Look, I'm not supposed to be here anyway.

You're a good guy, Ray, and you deserve to be happy,

and you're not happy with me.

I love you, but I'm not going to get in your way.

I'll just pack up my stuff and move out tomorrow.

No!

Well, that was hopeful.

And what a good delivery, really.

No.

Look-- I'm afraid that, if I marry you,

I will never finish what I started, all right?

I won't make it.

That's bullshit.

You will make it because you're good.

And what makes you good is who you are and where you're from.

And no matter where you go or what you do,

you'll always be from Queens.

Queens is home, Ray, and that's why you're freaking

out, because I am Queens.

Yeah.

You were about to marry Queens.

And when you're full of shit, people from Queens

tell you you're full of shit.

As long as you got me, you'll always be

home, no matter where you are.

Cross the bridge and I cross the bridge.

Live in Paris or LA or Africa.

You got me, you're home.

Damn.

Well, that's it and there it is.

Got it?

Good.

So if you need me, all you've got to do is call me.

Was she pretty?

Hm?

Yeah.

No.

So what's my story, am I going to live?

Oh, my god.

I just got this image in my head of you as a little boy.

How was I?

No different, right?

Right.

What are you going to do?

I don't age.

So this is where rich people hang out.

Yeah, nice, eccentric place.

A little spooky, but nice.

So what's your story, Gracie?

Me?

I grew up with a John Wayne complex.

A what?

Uncontrollable need to save every troubled person I meet.

Well, thank you very much.

I have this dream.

I'm in an office building full of people

who have been taken hostage.

I'm hiding in the bathroom.

Security guard is lying dead in the hall.

I quietly sneak out and slide his gun from its holster.

I crawl to the main room.

Two gunmen are torturing an old woman.

I wait until they're standing side by side,

and then I jump out into the doorway and I scream, freeze!

Or I'll blow you away.

I said freeze!

Grace!

What the fuck are you doing?

So this is what all the fuss is about.

Guns, incredible.

Hey!

Come on, Grace!

What's the matter with you?

Don't shoot me!

Don't shoot me!

Don't shoot me!

Stand up, slowly.

Turn around.

Unbutton your shirt.

Good.

Take that fish thing off your neck, and give it to me.

Thank you.

I hate this.

I hate this too.

You know something?

I really like you.

And with people, I usually don't.

I mean, I don't usually really like anyone.

But you, I do.

And you know what?

I usually never do anything about it.

You don't really have to.

No, I do.

You see, this complex, it's very strong.

This is something I have to do.

Close your eyes.

This won't hurt, I promise.

Al.

When you dance, you got to let the other person

lead once in a while.

You've got to make some changes.

You have to take a big, deep breath,

and get all that bad energy together.

And find a wide, open space, and just dump it.

I mean, a big, wide, open space, and just get rid of it.

Just throw it away.

Just get it all together and just throw it away.

So this is home?

No, but it's the stop I got to make before I get home.

It's, um, kind of a tradition.

It's the only open spaces I know.

Who'd have thought I'd learn so much from a rich chick?

See you never, Gracie.

There you go.

Hey, Marty!

Yeah?

Hey, Dennis.

Hey, don't touch that cat there.

Hey, Marty.

Marty, play something sad.

Play that song.

You know, that, uh, "Ordinary People" song.

Coming right up.

In D?

Yeah, sure.

Nice party, huh?

Yeah, nice party.

instead of an actor, which is what I am.

But I'm not home right now, so just leave you a message.

Hey, you guys.

You should see the bridge.

It's-- it's beautiful.

Hey, I'm going to throw it all away.

Yeah.

Yeah, that's right.

I just had a revelation, a vision.

I met this girl.

No, I mean this woman.

Eh, it's a long story.

Hey, you guys.

You talk the talk, but do you climb the line?

Eh, look.

I got to go.

I just want to say, I love you guys.

Al?

Hey, come on.

Al's going to climb the rope.

Come on!

Eliot!

I've got the world on a string,

sittin' on a rainbow.

Got the string around my finger.

Why didn't you pick up the phone?

Well, I was thinking, all right?

I've got a lot on my-- - No, no, no, no.

No, no, no. - Yes, I was.

You weren't thinking because, if you were thinking--

All right, all right.

Settle down.

--we'd be watching porn flicks or strippers or, you know,

something normal.

You know, he was worse than usual the whole weekend.

He paid for music school.

Twice he saved my ass last year.

Did you guys know that? - Yeah.

Yeah.

Yeah.

No way.

There's no way.

Hiya, little bunny.

Pop's back.

I'm so sorry.

Hey, Al.

Al, you OK?

What are you doing up so early?

Oh.

I, uh-- I was looking for you.

And then, basically, I was going to beg for forgiveness.

Yeah?

Me too.

And hopefully get married sometime today.

Before I forget, I found this.

Thanks.

What's that?

A ring.

Happy anniversary.

Hey, Ray.

Can we switch places?

Sure.

Patricia, I don't know why I've been so

selfish and stupid, but I have.

Tell me I'm not too late, please.

Marry me?

We'll talk about it.

Coming in or what?

Hey, you guys.

Maybe that'll pay for your honeymoon.

Nice.

Yeah.

I love you.

Yeah.

It's like being at a drive-in movie.

Do you know of any available apartments in the city?

No.

But it's Sunday, we can pick up the "Times."

Yeah.

I'd like that.

Nice.

Hm.

Ooh, a redhead.

What's he doing in this house?

Are you crazy?

Are you out of your mind?

Mm-hm.

I must have been through about a million girls.

I'd love 'em, then I'd leave 'em alone.

I didn't care how much they cried.

No, sir.

Their tears let me cold as a stone.

But then I fooled around and fell in love.

I fooled around and fell in love.

I fooled around and fell in love.

I fooled around and fell in love.

Used to be, when I'd see a girl that I'd like,

I'd get out my book and write down her name.

But when the grass got a little greener on the other side,

I'd just tear out that page.

But then I fooled around and fell in love.

I fooled around and fell in love.

Since I met you, baby, I fooled around and fell in love.

I fooled around and fell in love.

Ooh.

Free, on my own.

That's the way I used to be.

Ah, but since I met you, baby, love's got a hold on me.

Ooh, it's got a hold on me.

I can't let go of you, baby.

I fooled around and fell in love.

Can't stop loving you.

yeah.

Yes, I fooled around, fooled around, fooled around,

fooled around, yeah, fooled around, fooled around,

fooled around.

Yes, I did.

I fooled around and fell in love.

I can't stop loving you, baby.

Baby got a hold on, got a hold onto me.

Oh, yeah.