Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider.

She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc with the Lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

The country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sold up.

And then there's more.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising,

enterprising, anything but tranquilizing. Not on Maud.

Walter, how could you? How could you? How could you invite the Harmons over to

stay with us for three days?

Lord, their house is being fumigated. If their house is being fumigated, why is

Arthur leaving? He's the biggest pest they have.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I just can never forgive Arthur for those stupid remarks

he made last night about illegal aliens. Oh, Lord, he means well.

Means well. I will not have a man in my house who says that throwing illegal

aliens into a van and driving them back across the border is fun trucking.

What? Now, you're upset. Now, calm down and listen to me.

Now, listen, Mood. I know Arthur Harmon for over 30 years. And in that time, you

learned a lot about a man. And I think there's something you should know right

now. If you're not careful, Arthur can get on your nerves.

Now, Walter, Walter, Walter, Walter, do you know what you are?

I'm lost in a long, dark tunnel. Suddenly, I see a bright light at the

that tunnel. You are that light, Walter. A light I've rushed toward.

It gets closer and closer until... There it is!

It's a train coming at me!

All right, Walter. I'm sorry I invited the Harmans.

But they're our best friends.

What could I do?

Well, if you had any decency, you would have said that we've had a sudden death

in the family.

And then kill yourself.

This is just so sweet of you. Vivian, let me give you a hand.

Oh, thank you, Walter.

I wonder if Arthur needs a hand with his luggage.

This is his luggage.

I'll put it up to the guest room.

Look, Vivian, I'm going to level with you. There is no way that I can take a

whole weekend of Arthur's narrow -minded conservative raving.

Oh, it's bad.

I'm just so sorry about last night, but try to understand. Now, Arthur's just

been a little edgy lately, you know. There's a new administrator over at the

hospital, and Arthur's being considered for head of surgery.

Now, that is a great idea, because nobody needs head surgery more than

Maude, I talked to Arthur, and I told him not to say anything controversial

while we're here. Oh, come on, Viv.

Finley, I did. I sat him down and I said, now, Arthur, under no

I want you even to hint at any subject that could possibly cause an argument

between you and Maude. That's what I said to Arthur.

I hope you're satisfied, Maude and Finley. A bunch of homosexual pansies

just opened a gay bar in Tuckahoe.

And what did Arthur say?

He said he'd think about it.

It's that new place in the shopping center.

I thought it was a Mexican restaurant.

I mean, they call it the gay caballeros.

Somebody told me today they don't even serve food there. It's a bar and all the

caballeros are gay.

Sir Vivian, I forgot to bring over my shaving kit. Would you run that upstairs

for me, please?

Arthur,

you're upsetting Maude.

You remember what we talked about, about nothing controversial.

Look, Maude.

I am upset about this gay bar in the neighborhood.

And I'll admit I'm going to be talking about it a lot.

It was very nice of you to ask us to stay here, but I think we'd better clear

the air.

Now, if my being here is going to cause any trouble, any trouble at all, I want

you to say so right now.

I think it's going to cause a lot of trouble.

All right, now that we've cleared the air, baby, you can take that shaving kit

upstairs.

Now, let me tell you what we're going to do about this gay bar. I don't want to

hear about it, Arthur. Look, I... I don't think you understand.

I cannot put up with three days of this, Arthur.

Arthur, I do not want you in my home.

Oh, that's too bad.

Because I can't leave, Maude.

You see, I told Mr. Duncan, the new head administrator at the hospital, that I'd

be here.

He's going to drop some papers off for me.

See, Maude, I'm being considered for the new head of surgery.

Now, Duncan can make or break that appointment. Now, if he doesn't find me

when he comes, that wouldn't look right. Look, this is not my problem, Arthur.

I know that I cannot put up with a whole weekend of your archaic views on gay

people. What's wrong with my views on gay people?

Do you approve of homosexuals?

Arthur, it doesn't matter whether I approve or I disapprove. They are human

beings. They exist.

It's like asking me if I approve of dwarfs.

Well, that's different. There's no such thing as gay dwarfs.

Come on, Arthur, you've read Snow White.

Seven little men living together like that wake up and smell the coffee.

Oh, Maude, that's just a fairy tale.

I am talking about

the real world. Our neighborhood is being invaded by a bunch of abnormal

So is my house all weekend.

Look, psychiatrists and social scientists cannot determine what is

what is abnormal. So how can you set yourself up as a judge?

I don't. I'm not.

God is.

God is against gay people, you know.

God is against gay people?

Well, of course.

How do you know? Was he sitting next to you at an American Legion meeting?

Well, it's just common sense.

If God had wanted people to be gay, he wouldn't have created Adam and Eve.

He'd have created Adam and Steve.

I'll get this. That could be Mr. Duncan.

Oh, Mr. Duncan, please come in. Dr. Harmon?

Maude, I want you to meet our new head administrator at the hospital, the

brilliant Mr.

Mark Duncan.

How do you do? How do you do? Mr. Duncan, this is my neighbor lady, Maude

Finley. Take off your coat.

Oh, no, no, I can't stay. Sit down. No, no, really, I can't. Would you like a

drink? No, no, no, thank you. I really must be going. Would you like to stay

dinner? No, now, you see, I'll bet you'd like some candy. Maude, have we got any

candy? Maybe he'd like to spend the night.

Great idea.

Would you like to spend the night?

No, Maude.

He doesn't want to spend the night.

No, no, no, please.

I just wanted to bring you these files you agreed to review.

I hate to impose on your weekend, but I... No trouble, no trouble. I love

Hey, that's my big problem.

I can't stop working.

And that's why everybody at the hospital is going to be very surprised if I'm

not appointed the new head of surgery.

Yes.

Good night.

Nice meeting you.

What?

Do you think I was too pushy?

Not for you.

Hugh Bay.

I'm sorry to barge in like this, but this is urgent.

Arthur, I talked to the city attorney, but he's dragging his feet.

I knew it.

This is a hot potato.

I guess we're going to have to give up on plan A.

Arthur, what are you talking about?

The Fathers Against Gays Society.

Fathers Against Gays Society?

You mean F -A -G -S?

Joby, that's the last time I'm going to let you pick a name.

I think we better go back to the Fathers Against Smuts Society.

Anyway, Hubie and I set it up this afternoon. The important thing is we're

to close down that gay bar. And there are plenty of laws that apply.

Laws against immoral behavior, laws against lewd conduct. We even have a law

here in Tuckahoe that says no funny business.

Oh, come on. These are all outdated laws. Nobody invokes them anymore.

The law is the law.

This is a nation of laws, something which you fuzzy -headed liberals seem to

forget. Oh, baloney.

You just want to persecute people that you don't understand.

Has it ever occurred to you that gay people are human beings, that they have

rights? Sure, Maude. If it was up to you, everybody would have rights.

Anyway, I think we'd better draw the line. We have to think of the children.

Oh, now, what do the children have to do with this? What do the children have to

do with this?

Maude, what is right next to the shopping center?

Burkett's 11.

Right. And if you go down Burkettville Avenue for five blocks, what do you come

to?

The on -ramp to the Tuckahoe Parkway. Right.

And if you take the parkway for three exits, what do you come to?

I've no idea.

Chester A. Arthur, junior high school.

Oh, come on. Arthur, those kids would have to take two buses and then a cab to

get to that gate.

You know kids, if they want something bad enough, they'll find it.

First it's a gay bar, next it's a gay geography teacher.

Yeah, teaching our kids how to get from Tuckahoe down to Greenwich Village.

That is ridiculous.

Students do not copy the sexual habits of their teachers.

How do you know?

Because in high school, I studied with the nuns at Our Lady of Chastity.

Sure, Maude, what do you care? Your daughter's all grown up.

Hubie, you don't even have children.

I have my nephew, Joseph.

My sister's divorced, so Joseph lives with her and my mother and my other

sister. He's surrounded by women.

I'm the only macho image he has.

I'm weakening.

But Hubie and I care about one thing, the good of this community. Now, we're

moving ahead to plan B, picketing.

If we cause a stir, the city attorney will have to close that bar.

Arthur, do you mean that you would actually harass men just for sitting

innocently in a neighborhood bar?

Sitting around innocently? Are you kidding?

They're in there dancing with each other, exchanging phone numbers, looking

pictures of Al Pacino.

Arthur, that is the dumbest remark you have ever made. Dumb?

Sure. I'm dumb, Maude. Hubie's dumb. Poor old God is dumb. We're just a bunch

dummies.

Have you ever been inside a gay bar?

Well, of course not. Would you ask Clint Eastwood that question?

No, but there is a question I'd like to ask Clint Eastwood.

Well,

that's beside the point. Arthur, how can you continue with this campaign of a

prejudice and intolerance without even at least visiting the gay caballero?

What? You mean go inside?

Well, of course.

Arthur, I'll go with you. Let's do it tomorrow afternoon late for cocktails.

Okay, okay.

And I'm sure you will be shocked when you see what goes on in that place.

Arthur, you are wrong.

You're going to find out that all your preconceptions about what goes on in

there are totally false.

Oh, what does go on in there? I have no idea, but I'm dying to find out.

Well, don't worry about it. He can meet you there.

Okay.

Hey, Walter.

Do you think this jacket is too butch for a gay bar?

No, I don't think so.

Where's Maude? Oh, that was her on the phone.

Arthur, she's hung up at the office and she wants you to meet her at the gay

caballero at six o 'clock.

To meet her there?

Well, I'm certainly not going into the gay caballero alone.

Arthur, relax.

Look on it as an interesting experience, a little adventure.

Maybe a whole new life.

Walter, if you think this is so funny, you come with me. Me? Now, this is

between you and Maud. I don't have to go to the gay caballero. The gay

caballero? Ixnay, the kid.

Yeah, hi, Philip. The gay caballero. That's a Mexican restaurant.

They serve tacos, enchiladas, tamales.

Boy, those gay people really go for that spicy food, huh?

You mean you know about that place?

Sure. Why are you going there?

Well, well, well, well, I have to check it out.

I'm the head of a group who wants that place closed.

Why do you want to close it?

All right, Philip.

I guess you're old enough to understand a few facts.

Now, the first fact is, gay people are, uh,

well, they're sick.

They have a sort of a disease.

Is it a contagious disease?

Is that why you want to close the bar?

No. It's not contagious, really.

But you see, gay people shouldn't be out at a bar having a good time.

They should be at home, alone.

Being ashamed that they're gay.

Trying to get cured.

What's the cure for being gay?

Bowling. Bowling? Well, it's a start. See, these gay guys have to start doing

something manly. That's what brings them around.

I thought you didn't want them around.

Philip, I seem to be having trouble getting you to understand the danger of

gay bar.

What's wrong?

I've always used to be able to communicate with you.

Oh, it's not your fault, Dr. Harmon. It's just that this year in school, I'm

taking a course in logic.

Smart aleck, kid.

Walter, that's exactly the reason you should come to the gay caballero with

Now, come on.

You have got to protect Philip against this pernicious, insidious sickness.

Couldn't I just buy him a bowling ball?

People. It's disgusting.

I wish all their mothers would walk in here right now.

What's wrong with them? They look all right to me.

All right to you.

You don't think they look like us, do you?

Well, that guy sure does. He's wearing the same jacket you are.

Well, he's probably just trying not to look like a sissy. Come on.

Good evening, guys. What'll it be?

Wait a minute. I'll be right back.

Wow. Did you see that bartender? He's a flaming queen.

Are you kidding? He looks tough to me.

Tough?

Did you get a look at his apron?

Now, what can I do for you?

Bourbon. Bourbon on the rocks, please.

And you?

Well, I don't drink.

Don't serve orange juice anymore.

Oh, oh, yeah. Sorry, I've been out of town.

Make that a diet ginger ale.

All right. I haven't seen you boys in here before.

Uh, no.

This is our, uh, first time. Oh, wow.

Don't be strangers. We have a very nice place in here.

In fact, there's a nice bunch of guys in here.

If you like to bowl, we're getting a lead together.

I was held up by a client. Uh, vodka and tonic.

Just as I thought.

Place is very respectable.

Quiet. Customers well behaved.

The only thing I find objectionable is that man's tasteless sport coat.

Thank you.

Place is perfectly respectable, Arthur. We can... Call off your pickets. Oh, no.

This doesn't fool me.

It's still early yet. I know these types.

After a few martinis, they'll all start acting gay.

After a few martinis, Anita Bryant would start acting gay.

I said, look, if you think Teletext is such a hot stock, why don't you buy a

couple thousand shares?

Good. I'm glad you told him.

You see that?

My God, they're holding hands.

Arthur, would you take your hand off my husband?

I told you that sort of thing goes on in here. It's no big deal. So they were

holding hands. Look, excuse me. I've got to go to the men's room.

I'm dying to find out what they write on their walls.

Arthur, it should be perfectly obvious to you that with the exception of their

sexual preferences...

Every man here is exactly like you and Walter.

Don't be ridiculous.

I'm going to prove it to you. Let's talk to him. Excuse me, I just wanted to get

some of these yummies.

Yummies? Oh, you mean the cocktail, Franks.

Did you see that, Mart?

A grown man saying yummies when he's talking about weenies?

That is disgusting.

Excuse me.

My name is Maude Findlay. I hate to intrude on your privacy, and I don't

you to think that I'm some frivolous sightseer just looking for cheap

but are you a gay person?

Bingo.

Good, I knew it. Arthur, we're in luck. I found one. I mean...

I mean, someone who'll talk to us. Could I borrow you for a moment? I won't keep

him long. Arthur, come along. Let's sit down. Boy, come sit down.

Let me try to explain the situation. You see, I am a liberal.

But my friend here is a... What's the word for non -liberal? Bigot!

I want him to learn through simple human dialogue that you and your friend are

just like everybody else.

Arthur, talk to him.

All right.

If you insist on this, Seymour, all right.

You see, I believe very strongly that people who indulge in strange sexual

behavior have no place in this community.

I see your point.

But you straight people have to live someplace.

See, my friend here has been trying to tell me that aside from sexual

preferences, there's no difference between you and I.

And I object to that very strongly.

So do I.

Well, excuse me, I'd like to get back to my date.

Now, you see, Arthur, that wasn't so terrible.

No matter what you say, Marty, these gay people should not be on display.

They should be hidden away someplace where decent human beings aren't forced

look at them.

Like in a gay bar.

Yes. No.

The fact remains that there are laws that prohibit places like this, and this

one should be closed down. Oh, come on. You don't care anything about the law.

You just want to persecute people whom you think are different.

How about another round?

Absolutely not.

We have picket signs.

We are going to close down this den of inequity. You are violating three

Tuckahoe ordinances. I know.

That's why we didn't open this bar in Tuckahoe.

What?

The Tuckahoe City Limits is right across the street. We're just over the line.

So you could take your signs and pick it.

Good gravy.

It's legal.

This terrible place is legal. Yeah, but that shouldn't stop you and your

vigilantes from coming over here, smashing windows, beating up a few

a matter of fact, I'd like to see you and that bartender go one -on -one.

Oh, come on, Maude. We're not even going to picket.

You're not?

Well, of course not.

I believe in the law, and if you believe in the law, you don't go around

breaking the law.

Let's go home.

You know, Arthur, for a man whom I've always thought was... Utterly

You are full of surprises.

You really believe in the law. Arthur, I'm proud to have you as my friend.

You are?

That's right.

You're a man of principle, Arthur.

No, you're prejudiced, you're bigoted, God knows you're dumb, but... You are a

man of principle.

You know something, Marty?

I am going to take that as a compliment.

Hey, you two.

None of that stuff in here.

I'd better try to get Walter out of the men's room.

He sometimes dozes off.

I'll get the check.

Dr. Harmon.

Mr.

Duncan. You must be wondering what I'm doing in a place like this.

Well, it's easy to explain.

I mean, for one thing, I'm here with a woman. Maude Finley, you remember.

And for another thing... Arthur, Arthur, it's all right.

We'll just make this our little secret.

Howie, I'll have the usual.

Arthur?

Arthur, you!

Arthur!

What? The Harmon's moved back to the house this morning. Why are you calling

Arthur? Because it's so nice not to hear him answer.

You know, you could have been a little nicer when they were leaving.

Walter, how could I have been nicer? I even carried out their luggage.

Did you have to sing, Happy days are here again? All right, all right, all

right, all right. Maybe I did overdo it, but the important thing is that Arthur

is gone.

I can call his name.

Arthur!

Arthur! What is it, Marty?

Arthur?

Use your phone. I'm going to protest to the Immigration Department about their

disgraceful treatment of illegal aliens.

Arthur, you are defending illegal aliens? This is quite a turnaround.

The company that fumigated our house hired illegal aliens. They were all

arrested this morning.

That's terrible.

I'll say it is. It's another three days to fumigate the house, and I have to pay

another $800 because they brought in union workers.

Three days?

Where are you and Viv going to stay?

Oh, Maud, I can't tell you how sweet this is.

Two things to say about union workers, too.

Workers' rights and all that.

I say this country would be better off if it were...

Mod was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.