Original subtitles

Lady Godiva was a freedom rider. She didn't care if the whole world looked.

Joan of Arc was the lord to guide her. She was a sister who really could.

Isadora was the first bra burner. Ain't you glad she showed up?

Oh, yeah.

And the country was falling apart.

Betsy Ross got it all sewed up.

And then there's Maud.

And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then there's Maud. And then

there's Maud. And then there's Maud. That uncompromising, enterprising,

but tranquilizing. Right on, Maud.

Ah.

Hey, let's see.

Rock Cornish Hen.

Chicken breasts and thighs.

Turkey legs and claws.

Turkey legs and slaw.

Too bad.

I was in a mood for a claw tonight.

Hi, Walter.

Hey, Martha.

Hi. Hi, old buddy. Is Maude home? We thought we'd all play a little bridge

dinner. Oh, don't count on it. I don't even think Maude's coming home to

I told Arthur she'd probably be late. She still had an awful lot of work to do

this afternoon when I left her with Perry Flannery. Yeah. Well, that ecology

project is very complicated, you know. It's not easy getting rid of tons of

garbage. Mother Wiggin found a way. She freezes it.

You mean Marge leaving you home alone again tonight with a TV dinner?

Ooh, turkey legs and claws.

I love that.

This must be the fifth night in a row.

That's terrible.

I mean, I can't stand the thought of my best friend eating all by himself.

You come over to our house, Walter. I'm going to buy you dinner.

Okay? Okay. Oh, good. But remember, Arthur, we're eating out at that new

French restaurant tonight.

Oh.

Walter, get on that phone and get your wife back here in the kitchen.

She spent enough time with that ecology clown.

Arthur Perry Flannery is not a clown. He was sent here all the way from

Washington by the United States government, of which Jimmy Carter is the

president. Now, there's a clown.

I want my wife. I'm going to call her. What's that for? Now, Walter, you're

being selfish.

Maude and Perry are doing very important work. They're cleaning up the Hudson

River. Oh, who cares about the Hudson River?

Walter, shame on you. Harry Flannery told me that one gallon of water from

Hudson River would kill two white mice. Well, they shouldn't go swimming in the

deep end.

It's not a joke.

Harry knows what he's talking about. He's an expert.

Well, so far he's just an expert on working late with my wife.

Walter Finley, you're just jealous because Harry's young and attractive.

Libby, and you've known me for a long time. Do you think I'm a jealous man?

Yes.

Arthur, you've been my friend for over 30 years. Do you think I'm a jealous

Yes.

You see?

Everybody knows I'm a jealous man. Why is Maude putting me through this?

Walter, if you're this upset, call Flannery's office. Tell Maude to come

If Flannery had an office, I wouldn't be this upset. He works out of a motel

room.

A motel room?

You mean your wife is in a motel room with a man and a bed?

And magic fingers.

making this whole thing sound risque.

You don't have to worry about Maude. I've spent a lot of time alone with

He's a perfect gentleman.

Vivian, a married woman should not be alone in a room with a man in a bed.

Arthur. Unless she's a nurse.

And he's in traction.

Arthur.

And the door's open.

Arthur. And they're expecting a priest at any moment.

Arthur.

Hello, everybody.

Oh, my.

Maude. Where have you been?

Oh, I stopped to have a drink with Perry.

Look what he gave me. He said that even though I'm working on pollution, I

always come up smelling like a rose. Isn't that sweet?

Perry Flannery. Perry Flannery. I'm sick of Perry Flannery! I never want to hear

the name Perry Flannery again!

Isn't this a small, polluted world?

We were just talking about you. Oh, good things, I hope. Don't you wish.

Oh, by the way, Viv, here's that quarter you lent me for the magic fingers

machine.

You loaned him a quarter for magic fingers? Walter, honey, I'm sorry I'm so

late, but Perry had to check out of his motel. You checked out of your motel?

Right.

The airport. No, wait, Walter. Perry isn't going to the airport. He's moving

with us.

I offered him the apartment over the garage.

That is if it's no inconvenience for you, Walter. Oh, no inconvenience at

Walter just loves people.

He talks to them all the time.

Viv, can you lend me a couple extra pillowcases?

Oh, sure.

Maude, that reminds me of this morning when the maid gave me the change of

pillowcases.

Look on her face. When she saw us typing in the shower.

You see, Perry's desk was so cluttered.

Well, you had to be there.

Walter, why don't you take Perry's bag up to the apartment and then we can all

have dinner together.

Go out through the back door. Take a right at the garbage.

Walter. Help him. If we're having guests for dinner, I gotta defrost some more

turkey claws.

That's okay. That's okay. I'll find it. No, Perry, I'll show you. No, I'll show

him, Mark.

You better follow them. Keep an eye on them, Walter.

Don't be ridiculous.

Perry, Vivian will show you, and I'll be up in a minute with some bedding.

Thanks a lot, Mark.

What is he doing here?

Sit down, Walter.

I want to tell you a little story that may help you in dealing with the

situation.

ever after.

No, actually, Walter, it was my idea. I mean, I figured it's ridiculous for

Perry to be spending $30 a day at that motel, especially when we have the empty

apartment over the garage.

So I helped him pack and he checked out.

You helped him pack?

Yes. Did you pack his underwear?

Walter. You handled another man's shorts?

Walter, what is wrong with you? Everybody knows what's wrong with me.

My daughter's so jealous. And Perry's such a gentleman.

Vivian, sit down.

Let me explain something. You see, Vivian, there are certain situations

young man falls for the sensual maturity of a ravishing older woman.

What's that got to do with you and Perry?

in over your head.

Vivian, can you keep a secret?

Vivian, Perry did not give me that rose because he admires my intellect.

I think he has the hots for me.

Oh, no!

Oh, I won't read the word to anyone.

Well, you can tell two, maybe three girls at the club.

Are you sure, Ma?

Vivian, come in out of the rain.

I mean, Vivian, don't you see? It's perfectly understandable that a young

and an older woman would be a perfect match because, well, it's common

that a woman's sensuality...

continues to thrive and to grow as we get older, while men poop out early.

Yeah, I know about that.

With Arthur, it's usually around 9 .30.

Yeah, Vivian, Vivian, you don't know how lucky you are. You're not at all like

me. You're simple and sweet, while I, on the other hand, no matter how I fight

it, I inflame passion in younger men.

You know, I always have to be terribly careful what I wear when I go to the

supermarket so I don't turn on the box boys.

Gosh, that must be a terrible burden for you, Mark. You have no idea how awesome

that burden is.

But I can handle it.

Vivian, why don't you run on home and get me those pillowcases? Oh, yeah,

Mark. Boy, I hope I never inflame passion in a younger man. I don't think

could handle it.

Vivian, you don't have to worry.

Nature has a way of protecting the bland.

That makes me feel a lot safer.

Mort.

I want to apologize.

I didn't mean to blow up like that.

It's just that I'm a little insecure.

Harry is so young, so good -looking, and so virile.

Walter, Walter, there's only one man in this world I love.

You.

Now, honey, if you'll excuse me, I really have to fix up Perry's room. And

listen, Walter, if you were smart, you would not stand around here and mope.

would go out to an oyster bar.

Perry? Come in.

I thought I'd make up your bed for you. Oh, thanks, Mark. What's all that?

There's just some things I need to wash there. Laundromat nearby?

Oh, don't be silly. I'll be glad to do it for you. Really, Maude, I don't think

you should. I mean, I'm beginning to think maybe it was a mistake to move in

here. Why?

Well, your husband doesn't seem too thrilled about our spending so much time

together. Don't mind Walter. He's just being silly. He'll probably have

forgotten the whole thing by tomorrow.

Well, Maude, I can't blame Walter.

I am occasionally attracted to an older woman. I sometimes find them...

Sensual?

Ravishing? Right.

Well, that's true. I mean, just because there's snow on the roof doesn't mean

that there isn't a fire in the furnace.

Seriously, though, Maude, don't you think maybe I'd better move back to the

motel? Oh, nonsense. You'll be much more comfortable here.

Although, I hope I'm not speaking too soon.

As I remember, this bed isn't all that comfortable.

Oh, sure, it'll be fine.

Ah, see, it's very comfortable.

Are you sure, Perry?

Yeah, see for yourself.

Yeah,

it's fine. Yeah.

Do you believe we're testing a new ride for Disneyland?

Actually... Actually, we were just testing the mattress.

I mean, we wanted to see if it was as comfortable as the one in the motel.

I mean... Actually, I came

up to say I was sorry.

Oh, Walter.

That's sweet.

Perry, I'm really sorry you moved in here.

You little cut -up.

Anything for a laugh.

Oh, uh, thanks for the pillowcases. Honey, would you mind making up the bed?

sure, Ma. Come along. I want to tell you a little story.

Boo! Boo!

I don't think Walter's too happy about my moving in here.

He's a little jealous. I think he's silly.

He's not all that silly. As I just said to Maude, there's no reason a younger

man can't be attracted to a sensual, ravishing, mature woman.

I know, but you didn't move in here just to be close to Maude, now did you?

No. You moved in here to save $30 a day, didn't you? No.

No? Vivian, would you like to know why I moved in here?

What?

Just call it southern hospitality.

What are you talking about? You're not from the south.

No, but his shorts are.

See, Beauregard Mills, Ashcroft, Georgia.

That's Carter country.

I don't think that's funny, Maud. You know why?

Because I think you're really attractive to this guy.

Walter, you're being ridiculous.

Be honest, Maud.

If he were a balding, paunchy, middle -aged guy, would you invite him to live

here? Why should I? I already have one of those.

You are turned on!

All right, all right, I admit it, I am turned on.

But not by Perry Flannery. I'm turned on by the fact that Perry Flannery is

turned on by me.

Walter, I'm flattered.

I mean, in all of Tuckahoe, how many women are in that position? I'm probably

the only one. Walter, you should be proud of me.

I'm proud of my country!

I'm proud of my flag!

Fool me crazy, but I'm certainly not proud that a younger man is after my

If you can be proud of your war record, you can be proud of me.

Walter, nothing's going to happen. Oh, honey, at least allow me my little

fantasy.

It's just a fantasy? Just a fantasy.

Well, if that's all it is, then there's no problem.

But remember, Maud, fantasies are for kids. They're foolish.

It's only for people of our age to have fantasies. Say, Walter, you want to

watch Wonder Woman?

Wonder Woman?

Hey, dynamite! You just said that fantasies are foolish. Now you're

over yourself because Arthur mentioned Wonder Woman.

Where's Vivian? No, she's helping me fix up Perry's room.

You better watch it, Arthur.

The next thing you know, Perry will be after Vivian. Oh, come on, Walter.

Can you imagine any woman cheating on me?

Easily.

Walter, don't start making Arthur jealous. He has nothing to worry about.

mean, we're talking about Vivian, the sweetest, kindest, most generous, bland

person we know.

in their yard.

I guess I really am a lucky guy.

My little cupcake never gives me any cause to worry about another man.

Why?

Come on, Arthur. We still have time to see the tail end of Wonder Woman.

Maude.

Maude.

About Perry.

Yes, Vivian?

Well, there's something I should tell you because...

You are my dearest friend, but I don't want to tell you because if I tell you,

then you'll know that it was your dearest friend who told you, and I'm

tell you anyway because you'll hit me.

There is always that risk, Vivian.

Sit down, Lord.

What is it, dear?

Well, I just found out something very interesting about myself.

I'm not bland.

What are you saying, Vivian?

Maude, the one Perry is turned on by is me.

Do you?

Yeah.

Why are we laughing?

It's ridiculous.

He kissed me, Maude, twice.

On the mouth.

That's shocking. I know.

sexual fantasies.

It's not a fantasy. Well, of course it is.

I guess I know a sexual fantasy when I see one.

There's usually a jockey in it.

Vivian, what are you trying to tell me? That Perry came right out and said,

Vivian, I want to have an affair with you?

No, he was much more direct.

It was just one word.

I can see the handwriting on the wall. Then you know the word.

Vivian, poor, sweet Vivian. You really believe this, don't you?

It's true.

He even bit me on the ear.

Oh, come on, Vivian. You bit yourself on the ear.

be upset with me because I'm the one who turns Perry on?

After all, you still have your box boys.

Pimply -faced little brats!

You are upset. I knew you were going to be upset. I just knew it.

Well, that's the way it is. That's the way it is.

To each his own.

I mean, that's life.

But I'm certainly not upset about this. And if I were you, Vivian, I wouldn't be

upset either.

Oh, I'm not now.

After all, I guess any woman would be flattered if a young man like Perry

her attractive.

Not if she's a hard -bitten realist like me, Vivian.

Only if she's a woman with her head in the clouds like you.

You cloud head.

Where are you going?

To have a little chat with Casanova. Are you going to tell him that I told you

about how he wants to, you know, defoliate me?

Vivian, you mean deflower you.

Which is better.

You'll never know.

Harry, may I come in? Sure, Ma.

I was just typing up the final draft of our report.

There's some harsh realities in here that the people of Tuckahoe are just

to have to face.

Yes, there are certain harsh realities that all of us are going to have to

Vivian told me what happened up here.

Maude!

Is it really so terrible? Well, of course it's terrible. It is inexcusable.

Inexcusable? That's right. How dare you use Vivian to get to me?

It's the oldest trick in the book.

Making a play for the best friend to get the one you want. Is that what I was

doing? Well, of course.

Wasn't it?

Right. Right.

I mean, I knew it couldn't be Vivian.

Well, I should have known I couldn't fool you. You hit it right on the head.

It was so obvious. Oh, Perry, why? How could you do this to a poor, sick,

frustrated old woman?

I didn't mean to hurt you, Maude. Not me!

I meant Vivian.

I mean, why did you do it this way, Perry? Why couldn't you have been man

to just come right out and tell me how you feel about me?

Well, to tell the truth, Maude, for my personal taste, you're the kind of a

woman who's a little too... unattainable.

Right.

I mean, I knew you were happy with Walter, and I didn't want to disturb

anything. I don't think Vivian gets what she needs from Arthur.

But yours seems like an ideal marriage.

Well, it's nothing to write home about.

What are you talking about? Of course I have a wonderful marriage.

I knew that.

Perry.

Perry, I want to thank you for being honest enough to admit.

that I was the one you wanted to have the affair with.

You're welcome.

Now get out.

What? You heard me. Get out. Why?

Perry, Perry, you're a lovely fantasy.

But fantasies are for kids.

Okay.

I, uh, I guess it's better for both of us.

I'll just pack up my things. No, forget your things. I'll have your bag sent

over to the motel. I'll pack it myself.

You...

Get a kick out of that, don't you?

Is

everything

all right? Did you straighten everything out with Perry?

Perry's walked out of our lives.

Oh, it's funny.

One day he's here and...

Very involved with us, and the next day he's gone.

He's like William Holden in that movie, Picnic.

Oh, I love that.

The handsome young man who came to a small town and touched two hearts.

One, a beautiful young girl played by Kim Novak, and the other, a love

-starved spinster played by Rosalind Russell.

You're right, Maude.

It's just like that.

And I guess we're good enough friends to know which one of us is Kim Novak and

which one of us is Rod Russell.

Of course we know who's Kim Novak and who's Rosalind Russell.

VOD was recorded on videotape before a studio audience.