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Once upon a time,

in the far away magical land of South London,

in a simple age, when a cock belonged to a man

and a cunt was married to a woman

that sat in the pub all day talking absolute bollocks,

there was a little boy called Jack.

The very first word Jack ever spoke was...

C-C-Cocaine.

An ambitious child,

Jack already knew what he wanted out of life.

What would you like to do when you grow up, David?

Put a stop to world famine, sir

What about you, Sarah?

Invent something amazing, sir

- What about you, Jack? - Drugs, sir And fuck Sarah.

Jack knew that being academic

was about as useful as a dildo in a nunnery.

Round the flats, a different type of education mattered.

Fuck you staring at, you Jils?

This was Jack's university.

Happily, he graduated with venereal disease

and a criminal record.

And it was here he met Dani, the love of his life.

Jack and Dani, you've got to admit, it's got a ring to it.

Their love burned so brightly

that Dani even gave up on her dream of art college

and settled into a life of domestic bliss.

She laid down her paint brush and picked up the laundry.

And on the day their son JJ was conceived,

Dani scored over 100,000 on some generic mobile game

while Jack smashed her back doors in.

For a while, they were just like any other normal family,

but Jack had one little niggling problem.

For 60 quid, you can buy an electric kettle from Argos,

or a day-glo collar for an XL bully.

But for 50 quid, you can buy a gram of cocaine.

He loved his wife and son,

but being a dickie-sniffing cunt was way more fun.

While most men took their sons to football,

ate Ginsters pies and reminisced about Coldplay gigs,

Jack slipped off with his old muckers,

Vinny, Roger and Deano,

where they sniffed phenomenal amounts of cocaine

and enjoyed their favourite pastime, fighting.

Come on then, you fucking two-bob cunts,

I'll do the lot of ya

But what became of poor Jack?

After years of sniffing dickie and casual violence,

with the morals of a pikey,

surely he would redeem himself

and find his true place in society?

Let's do this bunch of cunts

Come on!

Oi!

I thought you fucking died on us.

Vinny's wife threw him out

when she caught him with a Brazilian tranny in Whitstable.

He only sees his kids through a contact centre,

but he's too ashamed to admit it, so he lies

and says the missus has taken them to Center Parcs.

Here you are You've been fuckin' spark out

since we left London.

Deano got his first bit of bird

when off his nut on ketamine.

He stole a thousand pairs of Loro Piana mittens

and tried to sell them at the local thalidomide centre.

Liven yourself up, silly bollocks,

we're nearly in Grimsby.

Maybe not the brightest,

Roger thought Canvey Island was in the Bahamas,

and was blown away by EasyJet.

He once flew to Helsinki, then come straight home

just to experience speedy boarding.

That's better I feel brand new.

If you wanna avoid wannabe cunts in snide Moncler jackets

that fancy themselves as football thugs,

over-policed stadiums,

and tickets that cost more than a gram of dickie

then the lower leagues are for you.

But be warned, this sport is only for the truly committed

Fuck me, they're mob-handed

Come on! Come on!

No one run Stay together Let's do these cunts.

Do not run

Here we go! Come on, Grimsby

Well, we are in for a treat today.

Two great firms, bitter rivals and sworn enemies

meeting in the bombed-out streets of Grimsby.

And as the firms advance towards each other,

it's great to see Grimsby with such a tidy looking mob.

These flash Cockney wankers

won't know what's fucking hit them.

Oh, that's a lovely effort from Grimsby.

Deano's gone over like a granny on ice.

Doesn't look like VAR will be needed in this instance.

Oh, that's terrific from Roger the Dodger.

Right round the fucking cannister with a beer bottle.

That will require a few stitches, I'd imagine.

Oh, that's a shocking display from the mouthy cunt Vinny

in the CP duffle coat.

Since when was pepper spray in the fair-play rule book?

Stone the crows, he's only going again.

Jesus, these Cock-er-neys are really ruthless cunts.

What a screamer from Jack Jones!

That's worth a look from another angle.

And there it is, a peach of a shot.

Despite the fact he's losing his hair,

and got erectile dysfunction.

Oh, my word! He's only gone and nutted the cunt.

And that's what I call entertainment

It's all fun and games The sheer indulgence of it.

The drinking and eating and fighting and fucking.

Until one day, you wake up and realise

you've done nothing with your life.

Everything you ever had, all your hopes and dreams

have come to absolutely fuck all

Fighting at football Possession of cocaine.

At your age?

Don't you feel the slightest bit embarrassed?

Dreadfully embarrassed, mate.

Your Honour - Your Honour.

I swear, if he don't send me to prison,

I'll give him a blow job.

I'm gonna give you a chance, Jones

I take that back Nose job.

But you need to prove to me

why I shouldn't give you a custodial sentence,

and you need to convince me

your liberty is worth fighting for.

You'll be bound over for six weeks.

Now, you stated the reason for your violent activity

and drug use is financial and marital difficulties.

Well, I'm gonna make it a legal requirement

that you attend couples therapy.

As well as finding yourself some gainful employment.

Your freedom rests in your ability

to pull yourself together over the next six weeks.

Your probation officer will report to me.

Mess him around, and it's prison for you.

Do we understand each other?

Yes.

Stage fright?

You mean you're dyslexic?

No biggie Just ask.

Ta.

I'll help you, if you help me.

I'm gonna try - Good

- I'm gonna try. - It's worth taking it seriously

cos life only pities the young.

It isn't so kind to middle-aged fuck-ups.

So what's your relationship with drugs like?

Stronger than my marriage.

How often do you do it?

I get the odd wank at Christmas

I meant drugs.

Oh

We're still in love.

You think it's a joke?

A box-ticking exercise? You're 45 years old.

You haven't got time to spend the next five years inside.

You think your wife will wait for you?

I wouldn't bet on it.

You've got six weeks to turn your life around.

Now, do you wanna know how probation works?

You lucky cunt! I thought you was getting five Sweet?

I was planning on having a trade with your missus.

Fuck off - How you wound up

getting bound over's beyond me What a touch.

- I'll get 'em in Deano? - Lager.

- Rog? - Lager, Vin

Jackie boy?

I'll just have a pear juice, I think

No, you won't You'll have a fucking lager, you weirdo

What's he say then, your PO?

I gotta go therapy - What for?

Brush up on my driving skills.

Have a go on that.

Fucking get on with it then - Give us it.

You know you loved each other once.

There was a time when she laughed at eve hing you said,

no matter how fucking stupid.

And you wore her legs round your face like a scarf.

But that was years ago.

And eventually, even those who love you the most

get tired of you acting like a backwards cunt.

Well, thank God you didn't go to prison.

Mum said she would have run off with another man

if you went to jail, one with money and a sense of humour.

Too right I will, if you don't liven yourself up.

All right, Dan? What's happening, babe? What you having?

It's fucking light outside, Vin I'll have a tea.

Come on, babe, drop the act We're on it!

Shouldn't you be at home with Lucy and the kids?

Nah, she's taken the kids to that Center Parcs gaff

for the weekend Anyway, fuck that!

We're celebrating - Celebrating what?

He's been given six weeks to sort his fucking life out

You're just a fucking wanker!

You're just a fucking wanker!

You're just a fucking wanker!

You're just a fucking wanker!

You're just a fucking wanker!

You're just a fucking wanker!

Oi, dinlo Come here.

You scared me - I know, babe Me an' all.

Fuck prison.

- Tell me you're done with it. - Yeah, course I am.

Let's go and have a roast with your old man.

No I said, tell me you're done with it.

All of it The sniffing The football.

Right Start by emptying your pockets

What, are you Old Bill?

- Don't you trust me? - Take a wild guess.

All right.

Here you are Here you are.

You know I won't nag you, Jack.

But I won't suffer you either.

If I had cocaine on me,

it wouldn't be in me fucking pocket.

What did the judge say?

Just gotta keep me nose clean.

Was he having a fucking laugh or what? You?

No, but seriously though, kid,

you've got to sort yourself out, you know that, don't ya?

I mean, look at ya When you married my daughter,

you took a vow to take care of her.

But look at you now, living in one of my gaffs rent free,

and my little Dani don't know if her husband's coming home

in the next couple of weeks.

If she leaves you, Jack, then so does my charity.

And how long

am I supposed to keep paying for your son's education, eh?

Well, it weren't my idea to send JJ to private school.

He's my blood, Jack Forgive me for caring.

Trying to give him a leg up, little start in life

I know I appreciate it

Ron, any chance you can get me

on one of your scaffolding teams?

Cos I've got to prove I'm working.

That's a young man's game, that

I've got no room for messers.

You've got to be fit.

I just need a job I'll do anything.

Yeah?

Well, start by carving this fucking bird up

I've got stuffing to make.

Success didn't ruin my father-in-law.

He's always been a cunt

Look, Granddad I've got a hard-on

Babe, you can't say that at the table OK?

I need a word Now.

See? Private school's doing him the world of good.

Listen

I might have a bit of graft for ya.

My Kenny Boy's coming home Needs someone to look after him.

Me look after Kenny Boy?

He's been in a health farm

I've got a lot on my plate, Ron.

He's your wife's brother, Jack.

Half-brother.

What fucking difference does it make, eh?

You said you wanted a job, didn't ya?

Look, I know you're struggling, yeah? I just wanna help.

Here's a bit of readies.

Take this to be getting on with.

Do something nice Take him to the fair or something.

The fair?

He's twenty-fucking-five, Ron.

We'll look like a pair of bacons.

Come on.

When's he home anyway?

Kenny Boy was brought up

on a healthy diet of pornography.

YouTube violence, and parental neglect.

A mentally unstable 'roid jacker

with a vicious bowl haircut

and a constant semi,

he's of the generation that thinks choking a bird

while smashing her back doors in is Morse code for saying,

"I love ya," and robbing your dad's house

is just a way of accessing your inheritance early.

Pills, fight, wank, repeat Pills, fight, wank, repeat.

Not quite the health farm Ron had in mind.

He was thinking ice baths and reiki.

This gas method is Thorazine

and repeats of Escape to the Country.

Still, as long as he's had his volts, he'll be raring to go

Kenny Boy How are you, mate?

Sweet, mate I never thought I'd get out.

Gas full of Fraggles Gotta love the NHS, though.

Some fucking junior doctor's charged me up like a Tesla.

What's the prognosis?

PTSD, SAD and DPDD.

Apart from that, I'm fine.

Ha-ha Only joking I'm just bipolar.

Come here, Jack, I missed ya.

What are you doing? Can't be healthy.

Sweet, mate, they're organic.

Just saying, slow down You'll go mad.

Don't worry I'm already mad

I'm only joking

I feel reem

I do need to make a pit stop, though

I can't, I've got to go to therapy with Dani.

Therapy with my sister? Fucking hell.

Everyone knows your marriage is already fucked, mate.

Just accept it and pull over.

It's a fucking court order, Kenny Boy

Sweet, mate I'll only be a minute.

He drops off the bag,

leaving the two young gazelles to serve up.

At the same time, leaving them vulnerable

to leopard attack.

What the fuck are you talking about?

Crank.

Numbed out on clozapine and asenapine,

Kenny Boy was about as in touch with his feelings as the Tories,

so he reverted to getting his kicks from

The good thing about robbing drug dealers,

if you're game enough, is they can't go crying to the police.

The bad thing about robbing drug dealers

is they'll do anything,

and I mean fucking anything, to save face.

Don't say I didn't warn you, Kenny Boy.

I'd be happy for you to take the session for yourself, Dani.

No, I don't want to sit here

moaning about that prick for an hour.

Why not?

You know what spins my nut?

He had so much fucking potential

What about you?

It's OK.

You don't need to tell me anything if you're not ready.

I wanted to go to art college.

He said I could draw about as well

as Stephen Hawking, cheeky cunt.

Have you ever thought about trying again?

Art college, I mean?

I wonder how that might feel, to do something for yourself.

Just something to consider.

Have probation suggested couples workshops?

I'd imagine he'd rather give his cocaine to the homeless.

Well, they can be really transformative.

And remember, if he doesn't attend,

the court will hear about it.

He's a wanker, but he's trying

Oh, Komodo dragon, my favourite.

Here, have that, you pair of cunts

Have your Komodo dragon.

Here you are, here's four giraffes.

Health farm did him a lot of good, then!

He's fucking doolally, Rog

I gotta make sure he stays out of trouble.

Funny place to bring him, Jack.

Everyone's washed their hands of him Poor kid.

This way, I can keep my eye on him.

Ain't you supposed to be going to therapy?

I'm sweet, mate

I've not had a booze or a sniff in a week.

Proud of you, mush.

Fuck are you staring at?

I'm watching your back, you little mug.

You look like a bacon lurking outside a primary school

Fucking bacon!

Pipe down, you.

Right, I'm going khazi Come out the way.

- How much are you buying? - Hold tight

I'm not sure that's a good idea, Ken.

Oh, fuck him, he's a fucking boring cunt anyway.

Fuck him, he's a Jils anyway.

I know I know I shouldn't be here.

But at least my mates have got my back.

How, uh, how are you getting on with the missus?

She's doing my fucking swede, mate

I told her, "Take the kids to Center Parcs for the weekend,

I'm going Tranmere" She goes, "Tranmere?"

"Sounds like a fucking highly flammable fabric"

I said, "I couldn't give a fuck, love I'm out".

And when I say out, I mean out out.

She goes, "What about the kids' bedtime story?"

I goes, "It'll be a good morning story if I'm lucky"

"I'm gonna get fucking spangled."

You all right, Jack?

You look like you've got the horrors.

Naughty bit of orange juice, this, Ken Cunt.

Tranmere, the only place in the UK

that still looks like an Eastern Bloc country from the '80s.

The poorer cousins of Liverpool, if you can imagine such a place.

Population of around 200,000,

most of them on smack or mobility scooters.

But still, they got a good firm,

as Vinny is about to find out.

You can pretend that we don't exist,

put us in England's bin of undesirables,

but like a fatal car crash, you can't help but watch us

from the safety of your own vehicles.

Get on that.

Vin!

Come on then - Come on then!

You fucking want it or what?

Get these fuckers! Come on!

I'm going to fucking kill you, you cock!

You are fucking dead!

Fucking mad

Welcome to London Bathrooms.

Please ensure you keep the premises clean at all times.

And most importantly,

enjoy your stay.

Enjoy your stay?

This gas barely fit for homeless smackheads.

Jack Sniff that dickie

and there's no telling where you'll land.

Don't worry I know what I'm doing.

Do you really?

Open this can of worms and you may never come back.

Listen, love, I'm sweet - Are you?

Mid-40s with a belly hanging over your jeans,

a tiny cock and six weeks to sort your life out?

Yeah? At least I'm not the one stuck in a fucking toilet.

Aren't you?

Yeah, all right.

Things ain't going too well for me at the moment.

Me neither.

I used to have something about me

I used to work in the lift at the Hilton, Park Lane.

I'm just a stain on society.

No one wants my type around anymore.

My optics are all wrong.

And no one will care if I'm gone.

Fuck it You're probably right

I mean, look at the state of you, you two-bob cunt

Do you think he's OK?

He looks dead.

Chance'd be a fine thing.

Do you know him?

Christ I'm sorry Is there anything that I can do?

Hmm Kill him and marry me.

It was a joke, mate.

Sort of.

Oi Oi!

- Dinlo All right? - What's the time, babe?

Oh, morning, darling, it's, uh,

just coming up to you're an absolute cunt o'clock.

Fuck.

Fuck's sake.

Probation have got me a job interview today

I ain't going to tell you to change, Jack,

cos I can't bear the disappointment.

But I can tell you

you won't be coming home to a warm bed for much longer.

Wish me luck

I'd sooner Harvey Weinstein tried to fuck me.

I'm gonna make her proud.

No more dickie, no more booze, no more fighting.

It's all behind me

I know I can become a productive member of society.

You just watch me go.

What can I get you?

So, what you been up to before this, matey?

Bit of dickie, couple of pingers, dab of K,

some Valium washed down with lager.

But no brown.

So, why Ledge magazine, Jase?

Jack.

Sorry, matey, I had a massive night.

I just need a job, I don't care what I do.

Want to feign interest in worthy causes,

overshare your life on Instagram

and vilify people from privileged backgrounds?

I'm only joking

No, I've got the perfect opening for you.

Like this brogue,

each of you sees and feels the world

in a unique way.

Your own interpretation.

And that's what I'm looking for.

And just a reminder about our show coming up

where we invite friends and family to critique our work

I bet the idea of judgement fills you all with dread.

Well, better get used to it.

Now, I want you to pick a theme.

Movement or love.

Interpret it however you wish.

And remember, the toughest thing in art,

much like in life,

is to be your authentic self.

Find your voice.

Right Ten-minute coffee break for those of you that smoke.

Though I'm not sure anyone does anymore.

I'm a ghost They don't even know I'm here.

And why should they?

I'm just a fat cunt serving muffins

with nothing to crow about apart from eczema

and a few convictions

I should be ashamed, yet I feel superior,

like I'm above these little millennial

Yo Pain au chocolat, cuz.

- How about a please, cuz? - How about a pain au chocolat?

Uh, tongs.

That's it.

Safe, cuz.

Fucking old boy over here piped up.

Did he?

Yeah, he's got a bit of an attitude, you know?

Getting a right zig

cleaning up after these snowflake shit cunts.

Next one that gets lemon is gonna get stretched out.

Know the feeling, mate.

So what brings you here, Jack?

Always wanted to serve entitled children.

Oh, yeah?

Desperation - Hmm!

Try six months in this gaff.

It's spinning my nut, mush.

Why do I feel completely fucking irrelevant?

Cos you are We both are.

There's a new world sailing past us

and we're merely spectators.

On the government's least-wanted list.

Not just white people, you know? Huh?

Here y'are.

What's up, my negro?

You know what?

I ain't nobody's negro.

Here we go, look who it is

I am no one's fucking negro!

Come on!

Right, enough! Get off him!

I was meaning to hand my notice in anyway.

I appreciate your help, though.

Ooh! My negro.

I'm out of here Before the Babylon men show up

Spare some change, please, mate.

I promise I'm not on drugs.

You sure?

Well, maybe just a little dabble.

Fill your boots.

Oh, I fucking love you!

I think I'll choose love,

just cos my mind goes blank when I think about movement.

Doesn't have to be literal Could be a soul, a feeling.

Could mean immigration Movement of people.

I find that a bit obvious, if I'm honest, Vaughn.

Just cos it's more topical than love.

Got a class WhatsApp group

if you want to stick yourself on it.

Just to stay connected.

Sometimes we all meet up, go to a gallery.

Just talk rubbish.

I'm not sure you'd get me to a gallery

but I'm good at talking rubbish.

Well.

Better get back in.

The youth will gossip

You all right, Jack?

Cor, fuck me You look like you've had a bit of agg, mate.

What you drinking? Lager?

Spirits?

Or something with a little more oomph?

There you are.

Oh.

Get on that.

There's enough in there

to get Keith Richards on the fucking dance floor.

Go on, take your pick.

Oh

Bit old for CP Company, aren't you, lad?

Oh, what, this? It was a present

I wouldn't buy this, mate I'm in me forties.

What team do you support?

I'm not into football You?

Tranmere.

Long way from home.

Looking for someone Was told we might find him in here.

Eye for an eye, and all that, innit?

This your local, lad?

Nah, I'm just grafting round here.

I'm from Woking

Fucking Woking, lad? That where all the woke people are from?

That's hilarious

Anyway, thanks for the quote, mate.

If we need any new barrels, I'll, uh I'll get in touch.

Lovely.

- All right, what you drinking? - Five lagers, please, mate

Kenny Boy, don't go near the Fox

I'm coming round to see ya

Kenny Boy, answer the fucking phone, for fuck's sake

Kenny Boy!

Kenny Boy?

What's happened? What you done? Eh?

Kenny and Buzz, Kenny and Buzz.

Fuckin' done? Fuck!

Buzz Aldrin on the moon.

You need to get him to go to the moon, Kenny

Hello, this is Jack Jones

I'm calling on behalf of Kenneth Mason.

He's gone completely fucking spastic.

We don't use that term anymore.

No, I do apologise.

He's having one of them mental episodes.

Find where he keeps his meds - Yes.

Find the blue pills, chlorpromazine,

give him three of those.

You all right, boy? Eh?

Come here Come here.

Come on, come here That's Come here, that's it, mate.

Right, here you are Eat these.

Here you are, come here That's it.

That's it, eat that Eat 'em.

They're gonna kick in lively, them, boy.

Don't worry, I'm here That's it, there you go.

That's it.

Jack, what's happening to me?

It's all right, I'm here It don't matter.

Was I out of my head again?

Kenny and Buzz Kenny and Buzz Kenny and Buzz.

Don't you worry I'm here for you

I ain't gonna leave ya.

Breathe Breathe

Jack, I love you,

but I ain't got a fucking clue what you're talking about, mate.

He was laying on the fucking penny having a fit

when I got round there, the poor cunt.

He's proper ill - Who?

Kenny Boy - Yeah? Got a note on ya?

I only flew round there cos the Tranmere lot,

they was up the Fox looking for him.

He's opened up one of their boys bad, mate

Fuck me, my mouth's dryer than a nun's muff.

Hold tight, I'm going to the john.

Deano, get your nose in the trough, mush

You? Dickie?

No, I'm sweet, boys I I'm gonna slip.

You know, I promised my old woman.

We've got, um couples self-help group in the morning.

Yeah? Deano's been going to them, uh,

Narcotics Anonymous meetings, ain't ya, mate?

Yeah.

Doing him the fucking world of good, innit?

See that tricky mug over there?

Just tried tripping me up Fucking liberty.

Straight! Where are they from?

Look like fuckin' squaddies.

Drop 'em out, Vin I don't wanna get nicked.

Vin, I've already broke me court order

I'll go straight to the shovel, mate.

Fuckin' boom, Vin - Fuck it

Fuck's sake, Dad, wake up!

You're supposed to be taking me to Granddad's

so I can have a McDonald's and watch The Exorcist

while you go to couples workshop and save your marriage.

You're quiet - Hmm

I didn't think it'd come to this

I imagined we'd spend our weekends

considering suicide in Ikea

Oh, for fuck's sake

I need him like a hole in the head at the moment.

Oh, don't tell him I'm with you, he gets all didgey round me

Kenny Boy How are ya, mate?

I'm sweet now, mate Just finishing me cathedral.

Look, I know I'm not well

and everyone would rather wash their hands of me,

but it really matters to me that you're there

I fucking mean it.

I ain't got no one else in this world, Jack, apart from you.

Fucking no one.

So thank you, mate.

I love you, geez.

Yeah, I love you too, mate I love you too.

I'm proud of you, Jack.

You're the only one who stood on for him.

My dad gave up years ago, and.

Well, I can't say anything, can I? Cos you know.

But you.

Although I do wonder why you won't help yourself.

Here.

Babe, I forgot to ask, how did your job interview go?

They fuckin' loved me

How was your day?

Yeah I went back to yoga.

My tree pose is terrible,

and my back's fucked

I just can't seem to get my leg over anymore.

Sounds like Daddy.

Celery, Ron.

It's been suggested that we ween him off of ultra-processed food

I've got Deliveroo turning up in a minute

with a couple of fucking Big Macs.

No, McDonald's is sweet.

It's all that other shit you gotta avoid Know what I mean?

So what goes on at this workshop then, eh?

Full of fucking rug munchers and flids, I bet

I'm just keeping me nut down, Ron.

Got to shoot off, we're gonna be late.

Yeah, yeah, sweet.

So what's the apple with my Kenny Boy, eh?

Good as gold.

Yeah? So what you been up to then?

I won't tell him about the breakdown

cos I know he don't give a fuck.

Chillaxing, really.

Don't you take my kindness for weakness, do you hear me?

I could take the roof away from over your head

in a fucking heartbeat.

Anything happens to my Kenny Boy you're bang in trouble.

Got it He's safe with me, Ron.

Chillaxing, the saucy cunt.

I think I'd probably be the Hulk,

cos I have, like, a real issue expressing my anger,

and when it does come out, I go like metaphorically

fucking green, and just feel wildly out of control.

Shall we give him a round of applause?

That is a wonderfully visceral description of your anger, Lyle.

Well done We welcome your honesty.

And, Fi, would you like to say anything to Lyle,

in the spirit of openness and generosity?

Um I see you, my husband.

And it's OK to express your anger

I'm scared but I'm held in this moment.

Now, as a group, we hold this space

as we close our eyes and we breathe

Gareth.

Gareth, have you thought about who your superhero might be?

Hm-hmm.

I feel like the Invisible Man

This is what ten years in prison

with Prince Harry would feel like.

I transferred to Edinburgh to finish my masters,

cos I found social sciences at Bristol overly politicised

if I'm honest - I know, right?

I was doing English lit, and in the second year,

the syllabus focused on post-colonial reading,

and I was like, I came here to learn Shakespeare, bro.

And hunt chicks, of course

What about you, Jack?

- What's that, mate? - Where did you study?

Your lot don't bother with uni, do they, Jack?

School of life, blood.

Anyway

Dani, I want you to tell Jack what you want from him.

- Don't make me laugh. - I'm not, I swear All right?

Go on - Fuck off

In your own time, Dani

I want you to babysit.

I mean, I wouldn't bother asking for anything else,

cos it'd be a waste of time.

There's no point in asking you to be more attentive,

or not so fucking defensive.

Stop telling me how to run my life better, or

show a bit of compassion when I'm struggling.

To give a single fucking fuck

when I'm pre-menstrual or ill or whatever.

No, I don't expect any of that anymore.

I just want you to babysit so I can have a night off.

Yeah.

And Jack, what do you wanna say to Dani?

What night?

What night, what?

What night do you want me to babysit?

Cos we've got Yeovil, so.

I think Dani meant generally, Jack Unless I misread that?

How does that make you feel, Dani?

Is being a massive cunt a feeling?

I've got something else to tell ya.

I didn't go yoga.

I went back to art college.

Well, I've got something to tell you an' all.

I'm proud of ya.

And I won't go to football if you don't want me to.

Fuck it I'm done with it.

I'd, uh, like to lay down a challenge

I want you to consider going back to the place

you had your first date

Now, it's unlikely you'll feel the same emotions

as you did when you first met,

but trust the process is all I ask, and

you might be surprised

You can come in now

I thought I might let you smash my back doors in.

And here's me thinking I only married you

so you'd do me laundry.

Come and fuck me, you fat old cunt.

- Knackered? - Exhausted.

- Cuddle? - Love one.

Gotta go and see a fella from work.

Well, I guess, if it's important.

I can't ponce off your old man for the rest of me life, can I?

Eh?

Love you - Hmm

Cunt

Thinking the boys would give me a hero's welcome

for staying sober proved to be a considerable mistake.

Instead, I was made to feel about as welcome as Andrew Tate

at the Ipswich Lesbians' annual vegan lunch.

No Kenny Boy?

He mentioned something about having sushi with Buzz Aldrin.

Lager for Vinny - Ta, mate.

Lager for Deano - Ta, mate.

Lager for Roger That's me.

Pear juice for Jack - Sweet, Rog.

You, uh you coming football? We got Yeovil

I'm gonna have a lag.

Fuck me, the geezer's completely gone.

- It's worse than I thought. - He's shot to bits.

Totally weighed in - Absolute shit cunt.

It's embarrassing What are we gonna do?

Don't worry about it

I left him a livener in the khazi.

Straight? What'd you give him?

I taped a packet

and a couple of pills to the toilet wall.

That'll liven the Jils up.

That's friendship for ya.

They think they're doing you a favour,

but they forgot how you

almost wound up wanking off bent vicars for readies,

or selling your son's christening presents for dickie.

They're not the ones with a prison sentence

hanging over their heads though, are they?

What's that?

I dunno.

Smells like pear juice.

Dad, is Mum having an affair?

I hope not What makes you say that?

She said that if ever you pick me up from school,

it means she's either dead or run off with another man.

- Uncle Kenny! - Hey.

Kenny Boy, where you been?

Working on myself.

Is this good Kenny Boy or bad Kenny Boy?

Always good Kenny Boy.

It wants to be an' all

? First day of Christmas, my true love gave to me

? A partridge in a pear tree

? Two, four, six, eight, we don't want to radiate

? Three, five, seven, nine

? Stop the bomb while we've still got time

So glad to see you, Uncle Kenny.

Mum said you had a mental breakdown

and went completely fucking spastic again

That's your favourite airline, Colombian Airlines,

cos this is all you order,

"I'd like to have the dickie with dickie,

and I'd like to season it with dickie"

What you doing? I said I'd let you drive us home.

Hold tight - [turns music off.

See a man about a dog.

Where's he going?

He's going fucking doolally is where he's going.

All right, mate?

What's happening, cuz? You got any food?

- What do you want, mate? - The lot, cunt

Fuckin' hell, they're two-handed.

You stay here Do you understand me?

You don't move.

Dad?

Fuck off!

- Prick! Fucking want some more? - Oh, mate Mate

Come here.

Cunts!

He's got a fucking shooter!

He's got a fucking shooter!

Fucking run, boy! Run!

I'm sorry All right? I'm sorry you had to see that.

But you got to understand that your Uncle Kenny Boy,

he's fucking doolally, this geezer.

What you can't do is tell your mum.

Cos if you tell your mum, I get aimed out.

We know what happens, don't we?

Yeah, I'll have a new dad

That's it, we'll have a laugh about this one day All right?

Not a word to your mum Not a word, all right?

- And I'll get you a Big Mac. - Fucking Big Mac? That's it?

All right, I'll get you some edibles, an iPad code,

laughing gas

I might even get you a brass.

That was a joke

Good boy

Managed to stay out of trouble?

You were barely in the job five minutes

before a fight broke out.

I didn't start it.

You're 45, not 11.

And what was the reason you didn't show up to therapy?

Running battle with Tranmere.

I had to look after my brother-in-law.

He's got mental health issues.

It's called a court order for a reason.

You've got two weeks before sentencing.

Show me something, Jack,

anything that will make me believe you.

You never noticed she was so stunning.

Or maybe you just never noticed anything at all.

She had so many attributes that were lost on you,

but above all else, she had kindness in her soul

which was odd seeing as her dad was such a titanic cunt

and her brother was a complete fucking pot house.

Help me with these please, babe.

Years of taking her for granted had eroded that passion

that burned so brightly.

All that was left was a love triangle between me,

Dani and dickie.

But the idea of losing her and living on my own

in a one-bedder in Penge

with just Pornhub and Nando's for company

was about as appealing as sitting on Gary Glitter's lap.

There y'are.

It's not lost on me, what you're doing.

- Why, what am I doing? - Stop fishing.

You know - You mean staying in,

babysitting, not going to football

while you go to an art exhibition with your mates?

You make it less special when you spell it out.

I'm joking.

Why are you dressed as Jeremy Corbyn?

I don't wanna look out of place.

What am I gonna do while you're out?

What you normally do, wank and play FIFA.

Oh, crap I'm late.

Right, please make sure he stays off his screens.

You hear me? No screens.

Yes.

See ya, comrade.

You piece of shit!

Cunt!

Aim better, you fucking piss-face.

Shut your mouth.

You mug - You posh mug

I'm not posh - Private school mug.

Yes!

Fuckin' hell!

Oi - Eh?

Oi, let me go, you nonce - Nonce?

Stupid Don't You never take your eyes off your opponent.

- Oh, yeah? - Eh?

- What's that then? - It's a muncher.

You shut up before I put you in the nose-bleeding zone.

Tuppence Fat, fucking bald tuppence cunt.

Greedy cunt.

On the dog, go on In the tum!

Yeah, watch out before your absolute twig arms snap.

You used to be a fuckable cunt, now you're a fat, bald cunt.

Fucking ashamed of yourself.

It's your own fucking fault

Oh, yes.

Love you, boy I love ya

It's not the hard times that get ya.

It's not the pain and the struggle.

And it's not the adversity.

It's normal life that breaks ya.

Dani, dickie Dickie, Dani

Hi - Very.

We were wondering if you were interested in joining our party.

Fuck, yeah.

Splendid We desperately want your vote, and are offering

something radically different to the others,

particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.

Good Now where's the party?

Oh, sorry, you're a Labour member?

No, I'm out of it - Fab.

Any chance we can convince you to swing?

As long as you ain't got any diseases.

Splendid We desperately want your vote and are offering

something radically different to the others,

particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.

Terrific.

Now get your Tory cunt out

I suppose you're gonna offer me something

radically different from the others,

particularly in affordable housing and green spaces.

No, uh, we're offering recycled toilet paper.

Oh.

Dad, can I please watch some pansexual porn?

You're having a fucking laugh, ain't ya? Your age?

You can watch straight porn or nothing

Ladies and gentlemen, your attention, please.

It's now Libby's turn to show you her work

I chose movement

because immigration is something that's really close to my heart

I just totally think that there are no borders in this world

and people should be able to move freely.

And the fact that people escape war zones to come to Britain

and are made to feel like second-class citizens

really bothers me.

Libby, can you stop looking at me, please?

I'm from fucking Dagenham

Your attention, please, everyone.

It's now Dani's turn to show you her work.

So I chose love, because.

Because

Are you all right?

- Who's fucking Vaughn? Eh? - Fuckin' hell.

Excuse me.

Wanker!

Wanker! Wanker! Wanker!

Wanker!

Now fuck off out of here

Roger, my old son, I'm out me nut

I need you to call me on a bit of dickie,

I want a couple of blue diamonds,

some pingers,

something to help me on the old downwards slope.

I think you've dialled the wrong R.

This isn't Roger - Oh, fuck!

- I'm sorry, Ron. - Don't worry about it, kiddo.

We all make ricks, don't we?

I mean, just look at me and my Kenny Boy

I've not exactly been a guiding light for him, have I?

No, no, no, Ron, I think you done the best you could,

given the circumstances.

Truth is, Jack, I've been way out of my depth

since the missus left me for a younger man.

Organic butcher, as it happens

I've just gone and buried my head in the sand.

Underneath it all, I feel so much so much shame.

I mean, I know that I fucked my Kenny Boy up with

money and material possessions

I just didn't give the boy the one thing he needed, Jack.

All he wanted was my love.

That's all he wanted

I think you've dialled the wrong R This isn't Roger.

Oh, fuck! I'm sorry, Ron.

You fucking cunt of sickness!

You've got the nerve to bell me and ask for a bit of dickie?

I fuckin' hate you!

And if you think I'm gonna tell you to liven yourself up,

well, you're fucking wrong!

Cos I want you to fuck your life up

I want you to flush it down the khazi!

I want my fucking Dani

to see what a fucking wastrel you are!

I want her to fucking realise she married a fucking no-hoper,

a fucking ponce, a fucking Jekyll,

a fucking messer!

I'll show you messer, you ginger cunt

? We've only just begun.

- Oi, oi, what's happening, son? - ? To live

? White lace - Get in, son!

Fuckin' hell, mate.

Have a bang on that, mush Yeah?

Right, listen, Yeovil are en route,

and they reckon they're gonna smash up our boozer.

- You fucking ready or what? - Yeovil? I've shit these cunts

I've fucking shit these cunts - Yeah?

Fucking ready then, yeah? Yeah?

You're just a fucking wanker!

You're just a fucking wanker!

Dani!

Dani, come on - No

Dani, come on Oh, come and have a boogie.

Please - Oh, fuck it.

Yeah!

? And when the evening comes

? We smile

? So much of life ahead

? We'll find a place where there's room to grow

? And yes, we've just be

Whoo!

Yeah, so keep your fucking eyes peeled, boys.

- You Yeovil? - We are!

I'll do the fuckin' lot of ya.

Especially you, you ugly, fat cunt.

Fuck! JJ!

Oh, fuck!

Fuck

Fuck are you doing here, Kenny Boy?

I heard you was bang in trouble.

Wanted to make sure you was OK.

Like you did for me.

I know I'm an albatross, Jack.

You've got enough on your plate without having to look after me.

Truth is, you make me look sensible

I'm a stain on the family We all know it.

No one wants me around.

People go quiet when I walk in a room.

I might be crackers,

but I can still hear the whispers of,

"Get him the fuck away from me," behind my back.

The truth is I wouldn't want me around.

I'll tell you what, Kenny Boy.

You might think I'm all you've got

but the fact is, you're all I've got.

So you ain't going nowhere, cos without you, I'm fucked.

No, Jack, you've still got a chance.

You've just got to go home and make it right.

I must be fucked if I'm taking advice from a schizophrenic

Hmm Classy.

- Is that me clothes? - And your porn collection

I know what's more important to ya.

I booked the restaurant we had our first date in for tonight.

Please?

I've already made other plans, Jack.

Well, unmake 'em.

How about a sorry?

Where are you going anyway?

Art stuff.

Meet me at the restaurant.

What, for another night of humiliation?

No For pasta.

I don't want my boy to grow up like you, Jack.

I'm so fucking sorry for what I've done.

If you can find it in your heart to forgive me,

I'll see you at the restaurant at six bells

What's happening?

How did you know I was here?

Vin, everyone knows your wife left you years ago.

Having a party

- Wanna come in? - Nah, you're all right.

Look after this for me.

Jack, do us a favour.

Don't tell the other lot, yeah?

Please don't tell me you want your drugs back.

Thank God for that.

Nah, mate, I've fucked it.

My wife's gonna leave me

I've turned my son into a lunatic.

My mates think I'm a bore.

And me father-in-law's gonna fucking kill me.

Well, at least you've got your freedom.

I'd help if I could, mate,

but I'm just a hopeless, dyslexic, spark-out,

dickie-sniffing drunk What good am I gonna be?

Mind if I readjust you slightly?

These are for you, Dani.

Yeah, I'm not Dani.

Fuck's sake Can't even get that right

He wanted me to tell ya he loves ya More than Yeovil.

I'll just leave 'em here, shall I?

Before you sit down.

I've thought long and hard about this.

There's something I need to say, so.

I'm a cunt.

You know that's usually just the beginning?

Are you not even gonna make a promise to try a bit harder?

And you wonder why I went back to art college.

With Vaughn.

He saw me, Jack.

He actually fucking saw me.

You've been avoiding me for 15 years.

Scared of bumping into me.

Terrified of being alone with me.

But don't worry, it ain't just you

I feel it too

I wanna run away from you an' all.

And don't kid yourself that it's just you avoiding having sex.

You think I'm excited

at the prospect of you lying on top of me for 90 seconds

while you speed fuck me like a Border terrier?

Sometimes I'd rather just have a wank as well.

I know how you feel, a more mio.

And I know I ain't no size eight anymore,

and my tits are like punctured fucking tyres,

and my idea of fun is Wordle and I think Uggs are sexy.

But you ain't the catch you used to be either

I mean, sure, I was half impressed by you

in our twenties, but don't you think you're past the age now

where you're a hero cos you sniff a bit of dickie

and a top geezer in the eyes of your silly fucking mates?

But you know what?

Despite everything I still love ya.

I do.

I mean, yeah, I was tempted by Vaughn,

if only to remind myself what fucking passion felt like.

But I couldn't bear to see the hurt on your little face.

So, yeah you are absolutely right.

You are a cunt.

But you're my cunt.

And that matters to me.

- Carbonara, please. - Spaghetti or rigatoni?

Surprise me.

Look at you.

I never spoke to a straight goer unless I was servin' 'em dickie.

Never read a book, apart from The Sun.

Never been to an exhibition We won't count yours

I've never even had a conversation

unless it was about drugs or football.

I look down on people I can't relate to.

I'm scared of mixing outside my world

I don't listen to anyone unless there's something in it for me

I judge people on their looks

I want a prize for doing fuck all.

I hate anyone that disagrees with me.

And I love the sound

of my own voice.

Fuck me, I must bore you to tears.

And I'm not saying I'm gonna turn into Albert Epstein

Einstein Epstein's the nonce.

What I will say

is if I can stay out of prison, I know I can change.

Hmm!

For a minute there, I almost believed ya.

Almost is good enough for me

Jack Jack, it's Kenny Boy.

You've gotta come and help me, Jack.

What the fuck you looking at?

Them fucking dealers we beat up are in the pub looking for me.

They're firm-handed.

Calm down I'm coming I'm coming now Fuckin' hell.

I'm out by the khazi.

The fucking back door's locked You've gotta come and help me.

- How 'bout you, eh? - I'm round the corner.

Bowl haircut, this tall?

I need you to help me.

- Get round the back door lively. - Kenny Boy!

Crazy fucking look in his eye Have you seen him?

You've gotta come and help me They're gonna cop for me.

Bowl haircut Laugh like hyaena You seen him?

No, mate.

- You fucking sure? - Sorry.

Be lively, Jack.

Just fucking get to the back door!

Round the back and prise it open

Kenny Boy! Push, and I'll try and open it.

- Let me out! - All right.

Open the door, Jack!

Hurry up! We've gotta get out of here!

It's not fucking funny

I was seconds away from getting done.

Them bods had guns on them

I was gonna get one right in the cannister!

I don't need this, Kenny Boy!

I'm trying to sort out my fucking life!

Remember me, pal?

Cunt stabbed me.

All right All right, all right, all right

I need an ambulance.

Someone's been stabbed I'm outside the Fox.

Be quick, he's fucking dying.

Come on Don't fucking die, you cunt.

Don't you fucking die, you cunt You dare fucking die.

All right, all right, all right.

The defendant failed to attend his first therapy session,

Your Honour,

and also lost his job down to a confrontation with colleagues.

However, there is cause for optimism.

Firstly, he came to the aid of a wounded man,

called the ambulance services And from their report,

I gather he certainly helped save the young man's life.

And on top of that, he appears to have made the effort

to find further employment,

and has a contract with a Mr Ron Mason's scaffold team.

In summation, I recommend the defendant

continues his probation order

so he can carry on working on the scaffold team,

and indeed on himself

Not often that this court hears a good-news story

I'm impressed.

Seems like your liberty is worth fighting for after all, Jones.

Well done.

I don't intend to interfere with your employment,

so I'm going to leave you in the capable hands of Mr Fisher

and the probation services,

where you can hopefully impart some of your newfound wisdom

to the younger offenders

you will likely meet along the way.

Good Court adjourned.

Shame I was hoping you'd get a five.

Go on then, dinlo.

Fuck off and celebrate with your two-bob mates.

What are you gonna do?

Nude life drawing.

Don't worry, Jack, I wouldn't hurt you just for sport.

Funny thing, life.

You never know how it's gonna unfold

I mean, who would have thought the two people

that gave me the most agg in this world

would be the ones that came to my rescue

when I needed it the most?

Oi - So, to Kenny Boy and Ron

Kenny Boy, may your wounds heal quickly

Ron, may yours last for evermore.

As for me, I'm looking forward to a bright future

I'm thinking of reducing my carbon footprint,

steady employment, a Toyota Prius,

volunteering at the school fete, a Flymo,

The Rest is Politics podcast, a beanie hat,

and walking holidays in Pembrokeshire with Mrs Jones.

Sourdough baking, Wilderness Festival,

Jamie Oliver cookbooks, recycled Birkenstocks,

me time, better vocabulary, Wim Hof,

grassroots campaigning, sharing family progress on social media,

vegan cheese, maybe even a beard.

Just Stop Oil, hemp man bags,

subscription to The Guardian, gong baths,

a greater understanding of diverse communities, kimchi,

and generally a little more love and tolerance

towards my fellow man.

Anyway, it can wait till Monday.

Come on, Jack, liven up, you fucking Jils

Here look, boys They're fucking here, look.

Come on

What are you doing here?!

Come on! Come on!

Come on, then!

Come on! Come on!

You fucking knobhead!