Original subtitles

Downloaded from YTS.MX

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Thanks to many wise leaders,

the Italian people have reached a high level of maturity.

Employees and workers have finally understood

that productivity is the basis of a wealthy society

and it's the only way of coming out of the crisis.

Let us in, we want to work!

Tonight I want to work three hours more!

We must increase productivity!

I can't live without my paperwork!

Let's help our country!

Let's walk, let's save time.

Nowadays, the plague of a second job and of absenteeism,

that caused so much damage to the Italian economy,

can finally be considered eradicated.

Let's go, let's go to work!

Let's go to work!

Go!

- Where is your second job? - At the post office.

Can you give me a ride? I didn't take the car today.

- Weren't you at City Hall? - Yes, but I have three jobs!

Hi, Cabrini.

Antonio, you didn't look, right? Silly you!

Wait!

OCCUPIED

Good morning, accountant.

BACK SOON! WENT TO BATHROOM

BLIND

- Accountant, really? With us! - I had to try!

LIFEGUARD

Adriana, this thing of the second job is really a scandal!

- It's really shitty. - Thank you, sir.

NAA NATIONAL ABSENTEE ASSOCIATION

CORRADO MARIA LOBBIAM INSPECTOR OF THE INSPECTORS

Hello? What?

No, Mr. Mughini went to work at the director's office.

Excuse me a second.

Hello? Good morning. No, Miss Silvani is...

APPROVAL OFFICE

Is everything fine here?

OUT OF ORDER

PAYROLL AND CASH OFFICE

CASHIER 1

CASHIER 2

CASHIER 3

SECOND FLOOR

BACK SOON! WENT TO BATHROOM

Occupied.

Occupied.

Hi!

Hi! Hello, everyone.

You need extra strong paper and ribbons for the typewriters.

Work well, everyone. Work as much as you can!

Stationary for my colleagues.

I'll get it right away.

He is going down!

All right!

OUT OF ORDER

FIRST FLOOR

- What floor is this? - First.

I must go to the fifth!

Fifth...

Hurry, Fantozzi, faster!

Welcome back, Miss Silvani.

How did your day at the solarium go?

Don't ask me about it. A shitty day. The sun would come and go.

- I'm sorry. - Lucky you who stayed here.

Well, not really.

Miss.

Miss Silvani, I have been trying to tell you something for a year.

Maybe you didn't notice that I do all this for you.

Just for you.

So you will do this

also tomorrow, my little Fantozzi?

I will do it! Also tomorrow!

- I will! - Now go, you smell like sweat!

- Out! Go! - Make him leave!

- Go wash yourself, you smell! - Go wash yourself!

How can you smell so much?

He's from a low social class, he has a poor metabolism.

Go, also wash your intimate parts!

Attention!

- Who is missing? - Fantozzi!

Fantozzi's house, who is speaking?

Ugo, what's wrong? What did they do to you?

Nothing, Pina, don't worry. I just have to do some extra hours.

All right, then go get Mariangela from work.

Yes, I will do it later.

Not now, I can't move now.

I'M AN ABSENTEE

ANIMAL SHELTER

Hi, Dad.

Hi, hi.

Good morning.

- Excuse me, how can I help you? - Huh?

- I came to get... - How can this be... You too?

She is not for sale! She is a shop assistant and not a monkey!

What are you talking about? She is my baby.

She is not a baboon! She is a shop assistant!

She is my baboon... My baby, my daughter!

Go get changed, it's 7 o'clock.

Excuse me, I don't know if you noticed

but you treated my daughter as if she was a monkey.

Well, goodbye.

Mariangela, dear. Come.

Dad will take you away. I sent your application to the post office.

- This is not the place for you. - What are you doing?

Are you trying to be a smart ass? Take your own one!

I confused them. You know, they look similar, so...

Here.

Sorry, if you really want this one, fine. Here.

Dad was joking, let's go home.

- Pina, open! - Coming.

Pina, I forgot the keys. Is the spaghetti ready?

- No, Ugo. - I've been craving it all day.

Wait, Hugo. Don't you remember what day it is today?

What day is it today?

- Everybody is here. - Everybody...

All right, let's not be dramatic.

- Where is Mariangela? - Here.

You two go lock yourselves in the bathroom, save yourselves.

- Come out at my signal. - The sound of the falcon.

- No, Pina, the sound of the owl. - Yes, the owl.

I'm going.

- Ugo, be careful. - Yes, I have been through worse...

Mariangela. Give a kiss to Daddy.

Wait, I am not prepared for the kiss.

- Go away! - Let's go.

Remember, the sound of the owl!

- Good evening. - Good evening.

It was the terrifying bimonthly owners' meeting

that would take turns at each owner's apartment.

This time you will be the president.

- Me? - Yes.

So... I declare the meeting open!

You never close the elevator door!

- And you don't pay! - And you are a cuckold!

- You are three installments behind! - Here! One, two...

and three!

You, go see the porter's room.

It's always dirty. You are the building manager, go see.

- No! - He went!

- Your TV is too loud! - Your son skates in the house!

The meeting is over!

- Goodbye. - Good evening.

At the beginning of the following summer, an exceptional event occurred.

So exceptional that for once the employees renounced absenteeism

and stayed in the office to work.

These are easy questions!

- No, they are not easy. - Shut up!

Here is the prize of this week, an RV.

- How fucking lucky she was! - Don't be vulgar, she studied.

- Shut up! - Will you use it by yourself?

Do you think that I have problems?

How beautiful! Do you want to greet anyone?

A kiss to all my colleagues who are surely watching me.

They pushed me to participate to this game.

- Lobbiam! - Away!

Good morning, Excellency.

The victory of Miss Silvani

arose an organizational frenzy in accountant Filini

who arranged a group holiday right away.

A caravan of RVs.

Fantozzi and Filini went to get them

in that tragic labyrinth that is the selling parking lot.

And as a dreadful coincidence,

they went on the same day and the same hour

and for the same model.

The day of their departure

at the meeting point, which was Miss Silvani's building,

here is who showed up:

Colsi and Mughini together to spend less on fuel

but still saving their privacy.

- Miss Silvani! - Miss Silvani!

Congratulations!

Calboni was shamelessly passing off an old ambulance as an RV.

He had rented it from a friend of his, a ruthless ambulance driver.

As his voyage companion, he was trying to pass off as a noble woman,

a cheap whore, ironically called "the countess"

because of her elegant behavior.

Then Filini arrived, who had solved the problem of the vehicle

with nothing less than a tank,

an old remnant from World War Two.

Here I am!

What a beauty!

Good morning, here we are! Are we ready to go?

- Only Fantozzi is missing. - Damn! As usual!

Here he is!

- Fantozzi! - What are you doing there? Come!

They are calling us, let's go.

Yes, and also with...

As you want. Let's go.

Eye, evil eye, parsley and fennel!

Parsley and fennel!

Good, we are all here. Let's turn on the engines!

Everybody follow me!

- Where are you going? - To say hi, no?

Good morning, Miss Silvani. I came to greet you before we leave.

And I want to give you this little gift.

A Saint Christopher magnet to put there. It's the protector of drivers.

Excuse me, don't you open it?

Ugo! I'll remind you that I am here as well, I am your wife!

Poor thing! She wanted to come because she is jealous of us.

- What? - She is jealous of you and I...

Because you and I...

Of you?

It is like being jealous of a toad!

What? Who talked?

Once you are all ready, honk. Go!

Silvani's horn.

Calboni's siren. Colsi and Mughini's horn.

Fantozzi's horn.

Filini's horn!

Honk at him!

Are you crazy, Pina? If he honks back at us, we are screwed!

Maybe he won't answer.

As soon as possible, I will go to the end.

After that pitiful episode,

Miss Silvani went to the head of the caravan to avoid other troubles.

What happened?

She must have rear-ended a manure truck.

Can I help you?

ANYWHERE

You want a ride! Come, come, get in! Here we go!

- What is she doing? Is she crazy? - Why?

Don't you see who she let in?

She is such a young girl.

And a girl like her gives a lift to such a criminal?

Ugo, I already asked you to not worry about her,

- at least not when I am with you. - I don't worry about her.

Anyway, that guy doesn't look like a criminal to me.

No? What does he look like?

Well, I would say that he looks like a funny and poetic vagabond.

Franco said that he will take us to a fantastic place.

A place that he knows and where no one else goes!

That's fascinating.

- Beautiful, no? - Marvelous!

I adore wild nature!

We must thank Franchino who let us discover this paradise!

- Franchino! - She calls him "Franchino".

- Why not? - Franchino! Come! Come!

Franchino, let me introduce you my friends.

Ugo, are you sick?

- Franchino, are you staying with us? - Sure, he has his sleeping bag!

I have an idea! Let's grill some fish!

You will be my guests tonight.

The men take care of the fish and us girls will cook it!

Miss Silvani, this is a good idea. I will take care of everything!

Fantozzi, we will get the fish.

- We will cut some wood! - Yes, there is a forest!

Get the fishing pole and the bait. I'll call Calboni.

Move!

- Mr. Calboni! - What?

- Let's go fishing! - What are you doing?

We are going fishing. Do you want to join us?

Yes, I was actually making a joint.

When you see the red light on, it means that I am busy

- and don't disturb me, okay? - I am sorry. I apologize.

What are you doing? Come on, let's go. Move!

- He opened... - What could it be? Let's go.

- One. - One.

- Two. - Two.

- Three. Go! - Go!

What did you do?

I got it!

I got one as well!

Pull!

How is the fishing going?

Fine, we have already got eight, all of the same kind.

- They are very big! - Nine!

- Oh, my God! How gross! - Ugo, they are rats!

I was suspecting that...

You are the usual pig! Go fish somewhere else.

Yes, take the boat!

Let's do something, throw away those rats.

What rats are you talking about? Don't you start too.

There is the catfish and there is also the ratfish.

You may like it or not. I find a grilled ratfish delicious!

Anyway, if you prefer, we can throw all this goodness away.

Here! Are you happy?

Come, hurry up! It may be dangerous!

I'm coming! I have to put the alarm on.

- Did you see? I saved the engine. - Yes, I saw it. Good job.

I am afraid it got wet, water got in.

- Can you try to switch it on? - Yes, let's try it.

It is working! It is working!

- My intimate parts! - Yes, I will stop it.

It is off.

For what you used it for...

- What's there? - There is a rotting whale.

Where is the whale?

Seven all together!

Please, clean the octopus!

Mullet, octopus, without any fantasy!

This one is alive, who will kill it?

- You. - Me?

I don't... Me, all right.

Jerk, you let that...

That... That jerk.

Hooray! Hooray!

If it was for those two, we would have eaten dead rats

like in the Battle of Stalingrad.

- A glass in two. Madam? - I don't drink.

Luckily, Franchino thought about the fish.

Let's cheer for our Franchino!

- Hooray! - Hooray!

Hooray! No?

There is just one way to end this lovely evening.

Let's all take a swim naked!

How wonderful! Who is in?

- If you do it, I will do it too! - Me too!

- Pina? - Well, yes!

Excuse me. You are my wife.

The wife of such a piece of shit like you.

Wait.

How dare you? Excuse me?

You can swim naked and she can't?

It is absolutely different because she is my wife.

No, because with her I have a relationship... I know.

You know nothing, not even in what world you live in.

And you know why? Because you have no culture.

No, Franchino, I have a diploma.

- Are you cultured? - I am an accountant.

- So, let's see... - What are you doing?

- So... - My God!

- Are you fond of literature... - Yes.

Science or just general knowledge?

There are three envelopes, I have to pick one of those.

General knowledge.

No, there is a toilet here.

- All right. - What is a prostate?

This is very easy...

The prostate is when a woman has a small breast...

And so she wants to enlarge it...

Is it flushing?

No, it is his armpit.

So, I was saying that prostate is when a woman

wants to have a breast enlargement.

No, here. I remember, I remember!

Prostate is a pie

made with blueberry, with pear...

No, that's a Roman Emperor!

The Byzantine heretic, Giuliano Laprostata.

- And a knock-out? - That is easy!

What is a knock-out...

It is a typical expression in rural countries.

When someone knocks arrogantly on the door,

they go to the door and say: Who knocks out?

It's a typical expression.

Now you know what a shit you are.

Ugo, I'm going for a swim.

Naked.

Fantozzi had the worst ten minutes of his life.

Then, as sometimes it happens to those who are extremely unhappy,

the situation turned to his favor.

You and I are in love with the same man, aren't we?

Let's suppose that. And so?

I wanted to tell you that you won, Miss Silvani.

Tonight I realized that I'm too old to fight anymore.

You can keep him.

I don't need your permission, or your sacrifice.

I can have him whenever I want. I will have him now, tonight!

WASTE

- Here I am! - What? You don't knock?

You were waiting for me. Take me!

I will take your head and break it! Out of my RV!

Out of my RV!

But... Excuse me, why are you acting up?

Also my wife agreed, I heard everything.

She said she was leaving me to you.

Fantozzi, you heard everything but you understood nothing.

Do you think that your wife was talking about you?

What... Who was she talking about?

I understand everything.

Good night. Happy new year.

Hi.

How was the water?

A little cold.

Did you love him much?

I don't know, I would've liked to try.

But, so...

- It wasn't love? - I don't know, Ugo. I told you.

Yes, all right. You don't know it...

I mean, if someone asked you just for curiosity who is...

Who is the man that you loved the most in your life?

Pina, what do you feel for me?

- Ugo, I only feel... - I know, I know.

You just feel a little bit of tenderness.

- No, Ugo, just a bit of pity. - But...

Who loves me?

Other than a marriage crisis,

the drama of getting older and of having unfulfilled dreams,

even more difficult challenges were awaiting Mr. and Mrs. Fantozzi.

Hi, Pina. Dinner is not ready?!

It's 8:30, I am hungry! I am tired and I have worked all day!

Come on, I just said that I am hungry.

It's not for you, it's for Mariangela.

- She didn't get her period. - An even better one will start!

- She doesn't have it anymore! - After a period comes another!

She doesn't have her menstruation anymore!

Who talked? What! Her menstruation?

Excuse me, also Mariangela has everything else.

Ugo, she is a girl like everyone else!

I mean, almost like everyone else.

- Do you see this colored circle? - Where?

Here. It means that she is expecting.

Expecting? For what? We can't wait, I'm hungry!

- Ugo, she is pregnant! - You have already told me that...

By who...

Who are we pregnant by?

Poor girl, she didn't want to tell me.

She is in a room, she is afraid of you.

- Ugo. - What?

Please, you know that I am a modern and reasonable father.

I want to face this situation alone, with comprehension and sweetness.

Do you understand? Let me do it by myself.

No, Dad! Help me, Mom!

I will kill you! You don't know what I am capable of!

- Come here, I will kill you! - No! No!

Stop! My poor baby! Come on, honey. It's nothing.

Come on, Mariangela.

Is she breathing?

Is this how you are behaving like a modern father?

Just around 11 o'clock, Mariangela confessed

that it was a colleague, Loris Batacchi.

They went to his house.

They also thought about a genius plan to make him confess

and make him take his responsibility.

I'm coming, my love! How impatient are you!

Excuse me, I was waiting for a woman. Can I help you?

We are members of the Youth Protection Committee.

Then you must be full of stuff! Come in, I'm interested.

Miss, come in, don't be scared.

I'm Loris Batacchi.

- What are you doing? - I kiss her hand.

- So, these little girls... - What?

- This is an investigative report. - On dangers for young girls.

- Seducers. - You are very lucky!

You came to the top, the best of the best!

Please, sit down. Miss, sit down.

If there was a club for ladies' men, I would be the president!

Six thousand victims! It's almost the population of a little town.

- My compliments. - Not to brag, but I deserve them.

No, this is optional, I have all that is needed.

Here, have fun!

- Take it, it doesn't bite! - What should I do with it?

It is a little messy here, but this is my office.

Ask me all that you want.

I will not answer tongue in cheek. For now...

- No! - Did you understand?

- Kindly excuse me... - We will give this to the lady!

No, I will keep this.

Can you tell me where you work?

I work at the post office. I take care of packages.

- Wait! - I wanted to explain better.

Can you explain yourself in a more proper way?

- This is really appropriate for me. - I meant for my wife.

Do you know Miss Fantozzi?

- Mariangela Fantozzi. - Mariangela Fantossi...

- Fantozzi! - So, Fantossi...

- Fantozzi! - Yes, it's a Z, I understand!

Let me check my archives, all my women are here!

Excuse me, what do you do?

- I take care of packages! - Yes, you said this before!

Here we go, Fantozzi Mariangela.

Yes, she is a colleague. She works under me.

And you said that you are from the Youth Protection?

Liars! You are from the Animal Protection!

What is this?

- She is funny. - Yes!

She's a funny kind of monkey! Ugliest in Europe!

- Well... - It was a great satisfaction.

It was a desperate mission, I made a bet with my friends.

One million if I'd bang the monkey!

- That's Mariangela. - Exactly!

No, this is a monkey, not Mariangela!

I will tell you how it went.

I did it in the dark, otherwise not even I could do it.

- What? - We were in the sacks warehouse,

it was dark, outside there was a storm, I put her there

and so I just blindly took her!

I trusted the beast!

- Mariangela? - Ugo!

- No, I mean the girl. - No, my snake.

I told you, in the box there is my snake.

It's a snake that blows up, comes out and never stops!

- You know this, right? - Please, Ugo, do something.

- Sir, please... - Yes, tell me.

For the second time I remind you to use a more civil language

- with my wife. - Why?

Because my wife isn't used to such stories.

- I will make her get used to them! - No, stop!

- Yes? - Me and my wife,

we are Mariangela's parents.

- Of the monkey? - This lady is my wife.

Is she the mother?

Look what a beautiful mom we got!

How are you? You must be someone who doesn't come very much!

- What? - I'll take care of you!

- Beautiful, how old are you? 49? - 44.

I will take care of you, you stay with me for a week.

I will change your hair, I will make you turn blonde!

- Please! - They used to call me

Crazy Tongue! I will make you go crazy.

I will change her completely!

I have a collection of pornographic pictures

with every position.

I will re-create every picture with her.

Rascal! Re-create these pictures with your sister!

- Exactly! - A sister? Does she have a sister?

- What? - Bring your sister as well.

- Hands to yourself. - I will bang your sister too.

- I will make her go blonde as well. - How dare you?

They call me Crazy Tongue and you know what I will do?

I take her and her sister and I will put them both here.

- Pay attention, I will show you. - Yes.

I will take them like this, then I will rip this off.

I rip this off and then I put them both here.

One here and one there and then I start with my tongue!

Come as well, I'll make you go crazy!

- I will use my tongue! - I'm leaving!

You stay here with me, I will add you to my archives!

Do you have a picture? We can use the one on your driving license.

- Ugo, don't be too friendly! - I will use my tongue!

I am a manly man and I have big balls!

- Where were we? - Let's go away.

Yes, but we are pregnant. I mean, what about Mariangela?

Do you want to marry her to someone like that?

Yes, even more difficult! I will add this one too!

No! Do you know what? We don't care about your chestnuts.

- Nuts. - Your nuts and your tongue!

Goodbye.

- Could I really go crazy? - Let's go!

Trying to save her from being a single mother,

they resorted to a pregnancy termination.

Fantozzi made an appointment with Dr. Gandini, a gynecologist

who was recommended to him by an illegal parking attendant.

Good morning, do you want to make a good deal? I have a fresh liver.

- And a heart also. - No!

- I'm not interested. - It's a one-time deal!

- I don't care. - You may need it someday!

- Goodbye. - Do you need blood?

I even have Rh negative for a very good price.

I have a place in dialysis. Six million and it's yours.

In order to get free, Fantozzi bought the cheapest thing,

2 liters of souped-up urine to avoid military service.

Excuse me, listen.

He took all the money from his bank account

because they told him that he would have to bribe someone.

- Excuse me... - Ten thousand.

Here, I brought an envelope with all my savings.

Here is 10,000. Excuse me, I have an appointment with...

- Thirty thousand. - With Dr. Sarace.

One, two and three.

The doctor isn't here. He is on vacation.

First I gave you 10,000, now 30,000, so...

I have to give the money right away to the doctor in Cortina.

I must wire him the money.

- You will send... - Give me 500 lira for the stamp.

Yes, right. I didn't think of that.

I will give you 10,000 lira so you will give me the change.

You put them away... You don't give change.

All right,

I will use the rest of the money to ask you who is his substitute.

- Giovanni Rava. - Where is he?

- He isn't here, he is on strike. - Strike?

- Is it urgent? - Yes, it is...

One hundred thousand.

This is a desperate case. All right, 100,000.

For such money, Fantozzi found out that for urgent cases,

the doctor in charge of the gynecology ward

was Dr. Grandi, an orthopedist.

Same floor, after radiology.

Same floor. Thank you, you have been very kind.

Goodbye, Miss.

- Goodbye, Miss. - Goodbye.

- Here! Doctor! - My wife is at the second...

- No, I'm not the doctor. - Doctor, please help me!

Silence, enough! Go away! Don't you see he is not the doctor?

Don't you see that he's a poor handicapped man?

- Come, I will take you to your ward. - No, there is a mistake.

- Come, dear, come to your room. - What are you talking about?

- No, I have to go that way. - We will take care of you!

- I have an important appointment. - Calm down!

- Come! - Please, let go of me!

- Don't you resist me! - Sister, let me go!

Excuse me... What are you doing?

It's impossible! Sister!

Sister... All right, I will explain to you later.

You are lucky, here you are all lucky.

Our doctors are checking you with modern machines,

the latest technology.

Don't worry.

Have a good day.

- Excuse me, can you tell me... - Shh!

Come on! Come on!

Come on!

- Hooray! I won! - Yes! Now you have to pay!

ORTHOPEDICS

Just one moment.

Here it is.

THE DOCTOR IS IN THE WARD

- Here. - Thank you.

- Excuse me, where is the ward? - And you are asking me?

What? Don't you work here?

Me? What are you talking about? I work at a pizza place.

I came to see my mother, she is so sick!

My handicapped man!

No! It's you again!

Wait a second.

No, you are hurting me!

Sister, I am not handicapped.

- Here! - We might hurt ourselves.

- Now come to the ward. - What ward?

Wait! No!

- Look what is down here. - No!

- Did you get everything? - Yes, doctor.

- Well, we will need some time. - Yes, you are right.

It is better to keep him here for a day.

Excuse me. Mr. Professor, Engineer Grandi.

- "Mahatma Grandi". - Yes?

- What is that? - It's 50,000 lira.

How dare you? Put them away now!

- Excuse me, I didn't know that... - What do you want?

Unfortunately I'm here for a pregnancy termination.

No, it's not for me, it's for my monkey... My daughter.

No, never!

I'm sorry, I didn't know. But with the new law, everybody can...

I'm a Catholic, a conscientious objector and an orthopedist.

I'm ignorant of that subject.

Yes, but they told me that you are the substitute for the gynecologist.

I do what I can, but I have a high percentage of mistakes.

- What? - Listen, dear. Do something.

Wait until Dr. Marini comes back.

- What should I do in the meantime? - You can reserve a bed.

- How long should I wait? - Two years if everything goes right.

Two years? But a pregnancy takes nine months!

- Really? - You don't know that?

I told you that I am an orthopedist. Nine months?

Yours is an urgent case then. Do you have one million?

- Wait... Yes. - Good, let me see it.

Excuse me, doctor. Let me ask you a question.

- You didn't want 50,000 before... - Because it was 50,000 lira.

Did you take me for a nurse, dear?

- Here. - No, I will not touch it!

You are all witnesses to that! Give it to the sister. Bye, dear.

- Sister, give him a single room. - Right, then...

The room in which Fantozzi spent the night

wasn't a single room, but the feared surgery room

of Dr. Zambrini Loredan, also known as "Jack the Ripper".

- What happened? - Shut up.

- Sister, have mercy. - Don't move.

There is a mistake, I am here for my daughter.

- We know why you are here. - What do you want to do to me?

Don't do that, my bladder is weak.

- Well done. - Good.

- Scalpel. - Scalpel?

Did he hurt you?

- What are we doing? - I don't know.

- Chart. - Doctor. Doctor.

I don't have one.

His chart isn't here.

- His chart isn't there? - It's not here.

I heard that we have to cut off something with three letters.

Three letters, three letters...

Arm...

- Let's cut off his arm! - What? An arm?

- No, my arm, no! - Good.

- It could also be a leg. - Well, I'll get ready.

I'm not sure, I'll cut them both.

Not both!

The janitor said it was something with four letters, not three.

Guys! Then it could be a knee.

Or his foot, his hand. Even his head!

- Shut up! - Excuse me.

Wait, doctor.

- Yes, it's his chart. - The chart!

- Here, doctor. - Good job! Beautiful!

Good! Firm! A firm sister!

- Yes! - Doctor!

- What are you doing? - I had a moment...

Excuse me, it's hot in here.

The chart.

The chart belonged to Baccellari Vincenzo.

Extra big scissors.

He was a famous transvestite

who went to the hospital to fulfill his dream of becoming a woman.

He is like a doll.

Here it is! Extra small scissors!

- Here. - Magnifying glass.

To denounce that tragic mistake and get back what they took,

Fantozzi wrote a letter to the President of the Republic.

OPERATING ROOM

Thanks to that high intervention,

Fantozzi was able to get his tool back

that was just about to be used

as a toe for a carpenter who cut his off.

When Fantozzi got out of the hospital Mariangela was about to give birth.

Dad! Mom! It's moving!

Where? Who is moving?

What's there?

- He kicked me! - Let me feel it.

It's just... kicks!

Two days later, she went into labor.

Here it is!

- What shall we do? - Wait, I'll stop it.

Here, round the corner! Come!

Fantozzi was forced to take the nurses to the hospital.

Here it is!

Mr. Rossi, it's a boy.

- Mr. Rossi? - Aren't you Mr. Rossi?

- No, my name is Fantozzi. - I'm sorry. Where is Mr. Rossi?

It happens. You're next.

Have no fear.

Mr. Fantozzi, childbirth is a part of nature.

Birth is beautiful, it's beautiful, it's beautiful!

- What will this baby look like? - Gorgeous.

Do you remember how cute Mariangela was when she was born?

Hurry, the doctor fainted!

- Oh, God! - What happened...

Here he is!

- Yes! - Yes, us two!

What's he doing?

Pina, what is that?

For our grandfather: Hip, hip, hurray!

- Good! - Congratulations!

- Cheers! - Accountant, is it a girl or a boy?

So... this... him...

- The doctors still haven't decided. - Okay.

Who does it look like?

It doesn't look anything like me.

Tell us what it looks like at least.

- It... That... - Newborn.

This newborn has a...

- A nose? - No, it's not a nose,

- that's the part behind. - The nose is behind?

- Yes, one can... - Turn it upside down?

- And it has... - Bumps?

- It's a bird? - No.

- It's like a... - A trombone?

- It plays the trombone? - No.

Accountant, don't you have a photo?

With a trombone?

I have a... It's a surprise!

Let us see, come on! Well, well, well.

Here. Wait...

- Show it better. - One moment, I don't remember...

- We need to mark the side. - Maybe the other side.

- You say it's like that? - Here.

What are you doing? What's this noise?

- We are looking at a photo of... - I want to see it!

- You want? - Yes!

No, it's not...

For over 20 years, Accountant Fonelli,

who was a big fan of athletics,

and when young had been a mediocre runner,

was trying in vain to arrange an amateur athletics event.

We decided to participate in the same contest.

- Okay, what contest? - Shittus throw!

Put me down! Leave me alone!

Put me down! Jerks!

Leave! Go play with a ball!

Go to the stadium to watch a match!

You don't know anything, athletics is the queen of sports!

Fonelli!

- What happened? - Thief! Thief!

- That's not my car. - Mine neither, sir.

- What's that, a car alarm? - No, it's not a car alarm.

It's coming from up there, it's a house alarm.

- Silence! - I can't sleep anymore!

- Enough, turn that sound off! - Let me sleep!

It wasn't an alarm, it was the crying of Mariangela's baby

who would always do this on a full moon night.

The family knew this and so they were prepared.

So, they didn't even hear the telephone.

It was Mr. Filini, who for the whole night,

tried to give Fantozzi the most terrifying of news.

Through a series of blackmail and spying,

connections to the mafia, terrorists and freemasonry,

and with four lifetime subscriptions to "Christian Family",

harmless accountant Fonelli

had been suddenly nominated Mega Natural Human Resource Director.

He took the name of Cobram the Second.

Dear subordinates, I see with pleasure

that finally you all agree

about the beauty of sport,

about how important it is to practice it,

and about the teachings of De Coubertin.

Athletics is the queen of sports.

Fonelli!

The queen of sports! I propose a "shittus throw"!

Look how you are dressed! Like a boss?

ADMINISTRATION OFFICE

BRIBES AND BACKINGS OFFICE

THEFT AND BLACKMAIL OFFICE

ACCIDENT OFFICE

Look, there's Grandpa!

I declare open the first office games.

Remember,

it's important to not just participate, but to win!

To the winning team there will be no prize or songs,

or honor, or trophies.

Instead, all members of the losing team

will be transferred to our mine at Small Rock in Sardinia

and there, used as donkeys.

Athletes, ready!

They started with the 100-meter dash.

It's up to you, understand?

- Don't distract me! - Sorry.

To your starting position. Ready?

High jump performed by Fantozzi of the Accident Office.

Filini, get ready.

Wait.

Let me go! Let me pass!

The results after the high jump. Bribes Office: 7 points.

Blackmail Office: 6. Administration: 2.

- Accident Office: 0 points. - To your positions. Ready?

Pole vault performed by Fantozzi and Filini from the Accident Office

and Paternò from Administration.

- What is he doing over there? - Isn't this pole climbing?

No, it's pole vault!

So it's not pole climbing. All right.

Next up: Accountant Filini.

After the 27th false start,

there was the unbelievable suicide of Judge Di Tommaso.

Fantozzi was forced to voluntarily substitute him.

- Go! - Good start.

Situation after 100 meters. Bribes Office: 9 points.

Blackmail Office: 7. Administration Office: 5. Accident Office: 0 points.

Then, in the shot put...

You stand here and throw it there.

Come on, throw it far! Let's go.

-It's mine -I don't think so, let's see.

- Look... - It's ours!

- No, look better. - It's ours!

Three-thousand hurdle race.

Be good.

Be good.

So Fantozzi very wickedly tried to pretend it was

a 50-meter breaststroke.

In the meantime, the women weren't having good results.

Wait a second, I'm not ready, I have to concentrate.

Wait, one moment.

I have to concentrate.

WORLD RECORD

- Hey, it's your turn! - Whose turn?

- Yours! - Mine? Go!

What happened?

The Accident Office is disqualified.

Attention!

- What was it? - There are dangerous objects.

I didn't see anything.

Hammer throw, next up: Fantozzi.

Good morning.

This isn't okay?

Okay. It's okay.

It's heavy! I can't do it with that?

Fantozzi's first throw.

Invalid.

Second throw...

Where is he?

Fantozzi's second throw.

Fantozzi's third throw.

Valid throw.

Here are the results before the last game.

Bribes Office: 16 points. Blackmail Office: 14.

Administration: 7. Accident Office: 0 points.

In order not to end up with zero points and being transferred to Small Rock,

Filini came up with a plan to win at least the last game,

the 4x100 relay, that was worth 20 points.

In the end, it was just a tragic trick to make them run faster.

In the bathroom, they did a dreadful drawing for who'd be the last runner.

It was won by Fantozzi, the luckiest of them all.

Run, Fantozzi, run!

It's exploding!

Look how fast Dad is!

Dad came in first!

RADICAL PARTY

And then the elections arrived.

Fantozzi felt very much his duty and right as a citizen.

He sensed the uncertainties

and the fears of being wrong one more time.

So, he read everything about every possible party.

Sir, you're missing "Sardinia Today".

- I'll get it. - Fifty thousand.

He pretended to be sick

and stayed home watching TV.

- What? - You want a snack?

- No, nothing, I'm watching. - You haven't eaten in two days.

Pina, if this time I vote wrong, we won't eat again for ten years!

- Get out, leave! - Okay.

- Make me a strong coffee. - Okay.

From morning to night, he never missed a political debate

or an electoral speech or a round table.

He watched every possible TV channel and on all three TVs they had.

Confused by all the information that he kept on taking,

he soon lost perception

and started to have hallucinations.

Fantozzi, fast with me, it will be an extraordinary lesson for those thieves!

This is a good idea, the leader and you, the base of the pyramid, fast together.

I will drink some coffee and you will pay for it.

But you're used to fasting.

Fantozzi, as you can see, I'm not fond of fasting.

- I could tell. - I agree with Pannella,

you're doomed to fast, dear Fantozzi.

- Limit your consumption. - Even more?

Of course, make four or five more holes in your belt,

while I go to my villa in Florence and make a pork chop

with French fries.

I ask for your vote, Fantozzi, for the majority party,

especially in the interest of your mental health.

- Of course. - After almost 40 years

of continuous Christian Democratic abuse,

- you have become addicted. - Exactly.

What are you doing without Fanfani, a good god of your house?

- And without Saint Rumor Mariano? - Good morning.

And what about Honorable Guts, who was Minister of the Interiors?

This is why!

Say yes, Fantozzi, or you'll have a withdrawal crisis.

- Crisis? - Don't listen to him, Fantozzi!

You are exploited,

you are the prototype of the exploited, you must change.

- I should change my hair? - You need to reinvent yourself,

you must change your exploiter. You had them all, try us too.

- We are second to none. - You mean that you too...

If you endorse my party,

I will resolve the problems of the pensions.

Thank you!

Don't thank me, I'm talking about my pension, not yours.

I'm getting old and I take care of my mother.

Sorry, you want me to take care of your mother?

- No, no, Fantozzi! - Yes, yes, indeed!

Mothers should stay out of this.

No! Don't look at me like that!

If you can let me have your address, I will send you some comrades

to give you some castor oil and explain our program.

- Another time. - What do I think about Fantozzi?

Being a woman, I find him repellent.

Also you?

We are scared about this fall and this winter.

Dear Fantozzi, what can we do?

- You're asking me? - Lama, Carniti and myself have decided

to fight as much as we can to get an invitation

on Agnelli's yacht for a cruise on the Mediterranean sea

- to the Seychelles, or the Bermuda. - I'm not coming?

What can I say? Stability is the big problem.

If you vote for me, I'll get into Palazzo Chigi

and no one will be able to get me out of there.

Excuse me... From this stability of yours, what would I get?

Fantozzi, every party is promising better economic times

that were never seen and that will never be seen!

- Never. - We could never fail you

because this time we guarantee a steady worsening every five years.

Excuse me, Eminence... Sire,

the other time you promised and didn't...

Come on, you know. I never keep my promises.

- True, but I always believe them. - Good.

I'll listen to the radio.

- Comrade Fantozzi! - It's him!

The demoplutocratic powers with their unfair sanctions

are trying to stop the new coming of the Roman Empire.

- Vote for me, Fantozzi. - Comrade Fantozzi!

- Vote for me, Fantozzi. - Vote Falcao.

- Sickle and hammer! - Vote for me!

- Vote for us! - PSD!

PCI!

Slowly, between so many contradictions,

and different voices, Fantozzi developed

his personal political choice.

- Good morning. - Good morning.

Here is the voter certificate.

- Excuse me. Give it to me. - Here it is.

ID. Here.

- Fantozzi. - Fantocci.

- Booth one. - Booth number one.

- Booth two. - Thank you.

- Booth three. - Thank you.

Go vote, I'm going to number one.

Number one.

Thank you.

Here.

- Thank you. - Thank you.

You can go.

Fantocci voted.

But...

- May I? - Please.

Occupied.

- What are you doing? - I'm voting!

Good.

Finally, in the warmth of a new summer

also for Fantozzi arrived a day of peace and tranquility.

A series of fires are destroying Italy.

The fire and parks department with their special helicopters

are dumping tons of water on the fire.

It's not so warm.

- What are you doing? - A sweater. See?

For the... For it.

- These are for its tentacles. - You like it?

Hey, Pina, I'm going for a swim.

- Maybe I'll catch some fish. - Be careful.

Be careful.

Did you see how it's playing with its tentacles? I mean... arms.

- What's it doing? - Digging a hole.

Be careful not to break some...

Now be good, listen to Mom, be good.

Enough!

Enough!

Enough!

I'm going out!

Ugo! Ugo, where are you going?