Original subtitles

Gravity Falls S01E14 Bottomless Pit

In this land of ours, there are many great pits,

but none more bottomless than the bottomless pit,

Which as you can see here, is bottomless.

Question. Is it bottomless?

Kids, could one of you try explaining this to Soos?

Grunkle Stan, why are we here again?

To dispose of things that we don't want.

So long, mystery shack suggestion cards.

Goodbye, creepy love letters from Lil' Gideon.

Die! Die!

What are you doing?

Throwing stuff, dude. Everyone's doing it!

What you got there, Mabel?

It's just my personal box of mysterious secrets.

Nothing worth wondering about!

Goodbye forever!

Grunkle Stan, do I really have to be the one to point out

that a bottomless pit is, by definition, impossible?

Says you!

Well, I guess we'll never know.

Aah! It's some sort of invisible pushing force!

Quick! Everyone back to the shack!

I'm not done getting rid of these yet!

Grunkle Stan! No!

Almost... almost... almost...

So, anyone wanna scream some more?

Where are we?

We're somewhere where it looks like we're nowhere.

We're gonna land on something eventually.

Could be any second now!

Well, it looks like we're down here for the long haul.

Who wants to see some card tricks?

Ta-da!

Hey! Maybe we should pass the time by tellin' stories.

I've got a story! It's called: "The time Grunkle Stan

got us all thrown into a bottomless pit.

Where we spent the rest of our natural lives!"

Go on.

Come on, Dipper, you can do better than that.

Fine. I'll tell you a story,

A story I'd like to call:

Voice over.

Ready?

Spin the pig! Whoo!

Hey, Grunkle Stan, ever kissed a pig before?

I'm not gonna answer that question.

Guys! Guys! I think I just got bit by a snake!

I need you to get me to a hospital quick!

What? What's so funny?

Uh, sorry, it's just hard to focus on what you're saying

with that squeaky puberty voice you got there.

My what?

It's nothing to be ashamed of, Dipper.

Your voice is hilarious.

Are you saying my voice cracks?

My voice doesn't crack.

Dude, no offense, but it cracks so much

we've already made a techno remix out of it.

Nice to meet you.

My name's Dipper Pines.

P-p-pines, Pines, Pines.

Nice to meet you.

P-p-pines, Pines, Pines.

Do I really sound like that?

Oh! Here comes my favorite part!

Stop it, guys!

Gimme that!

Spin the pig!

Ugh! Even my sighs sound weird.

- Hello there! - Aah!

I couldn't help but overhear yer sitchy-ation!

Old man McGucket!

Part-time inventor!

Why did you spit on your hand?

I don't rightly know!

Hey, I remember you!

Your robot almost killed me!

Come here! Follow me into this dark, dangerous alley!

Lately I been a-tinkerizin' with a voice altering tonic,

on account of my horrifyin' voice!

You can run, but I'll still be in yer nightmares!

This will really fix my voice?

Thanks! Ah!

Come mornin', you'll sound like a new man!

If you survive.

Good morning, Dipper.

I did it! I did it!

Now I have a new voice!

'morning, Mabel. Who's my favorite Mabel?

Who are you?

What have you done with my brother?

Dipper!

I'll save you from this body-switching warlock!

Mabel, it's me!

This is my voice now.

I sound awesome.

Sound awesome.

I knew boys' voices changed, but this is weird.

Weird and bad.

Mabel, this is the best thing that ever happened to me.

And just think of the prank calls.

Hello?

Hello. This is the president of the United States of America.

I'm calling to tell you...

What? Who is this?

Ho-ho-ho! Magnificent!

Mabel no like.

How you diddly doing, Soos?

- Kill it! - Oh!

Kill it with fire! Everyone flee!

What gives, man?

You guys all made fun of my old voice.

I thought you'd like the new one.

Dude, at least before you sounded like a real person.

Now you sound like some kind of weird commercial dude.

I'll find Stan.

He'll like my new voice. You'll see!

I'll be right back after these messages.

I, uh, I mean, goodbye.

Grunkle Stan. Grunkle Stan! Where are you, Grunkle Stan?

Huh? I'd know that voice anywhere!

You're the guy who prank called me earlier!

No. No, I'm not.

I'm just a 12-year-old boy!

You expect me to believe that, you crazy-voiced punk?

W-wait! No! Aiyee!

There's a prank caller on the loose! Let's get him!

Yeah! Come on! Come on, let's get him!

Escape!

McGucket! Your invention was a catastrophe!

That's probably why I live in the dump!

My own sister didn't recognize me.

I scared away crowds!

I even sound ridiculous when I cry.

Well, now, here's yer problem!

I gave you the wrong drinky-majig!

This one's for voiceover professional.

Ah! I'm sure I've got a better voice in here somewhere.

Good! Hurry up.

You got here just in time.

Come sundown, you'd have

reverted back to your ridiculous old voice.

It was ridiculous, wasn't it?

D-d-d-d-dipper Pines,

That's me!

This remix is dedicated to my brother.

Dipper, your voice is one of a kind.

Dude, I never heard anything like it.

R-r-remix over!

You ready for yer new voice?

This one should be permanent!

Hey, guys.

- Dipper! - Oh, dude, you're back!

Yeah. I guess I realized

that even though my voice might not be perfect,

It's still mine, and I wouldn't change it for anything,

Not even for whatever was in this new vial.

So what did you do with the rest of that potion?

I dumped it in Stan's coffee.

Any of you kids seen my girdle?

Where my girdle at?

What? What's so funny? I'm Grunkle Stan!

Kids laughin'. Laughin' at their grunkle.

I spy, with my little eye, something that is Black!

Ooh! Ooh! Everything.

Yay for Soos!

Yay for Soos!

Hey, guys, who wants to pass the time by spinning?

Everyone spin!

No.

Dipper's pain is funny, but I'm starting to get bored.

Soos, tell a story.

Really? Okay.

This story is called "Soos's really great pinball story."

Is that a good title? Do they have to be, like, puns or whatever?

Go! Go! Go! Go! Go! Go!

This is it, dudes. After four long years of trying,

I might finally get the high score

on Stan's creepy old pinball machine.

If I do this, I'll go down

in pinball history with the likes of Sal, Gaff,

and of course Poo.

Have you ever tried maybe just tilting the machine?

I don't know, dudes.

Isn't breaking the rules, like, against the rules?

Nuts to the rules! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!

Failure. You stink!

All right, that's it. Ready, kids?

Tilt! Tilt! Tilt! Tilt!

Quit tiltin', pardner. Quit tiltin', pardner.

Tilt!

Bull's eye!

New high score!

- Oh, yes! - All right!

This is the best moment of my life.

This totally beats my old best moment.

That ain't right. You cheated.

Oh, yeah? What are you gonna do about it?

You're just a pinball game, pinball game.

Taunt, taunt.

Uh, guys? There's an awful

lot of green lightning coming out of that game.

No, that's the normal amount of green lightning.

Ugh. Five more minutes.

Aah! That's not a normal alarm clock.

Soos! We're inside the game!

- Crazy. - Sweet moses!

Hushed exclamation of wonder.

Awesome!

Boing! Boing! Boing!

Dude, if this is a dream, I never wanna wake up!

That can be arranged.

Welcome to tumbleweed terror, pardners!

Hey, it's the skeleton cowboy guy.

Did you zap me into your game to congratulate me

On getting the high score? I beat poo, dude.

Hardly. If'n I do recall, I warned y'all not to cheat.

I tried to be gentleman-like,

but I'm plum sick of being tilted.

So now I reckon. I'm gonna tilt you.

Oh, yeah? Well-- well, take this!

Ow! And this! Ow! It hurts!

I wish this was working better! Oh, dude!

Soos!

Get yourselves ready for the...

Multi-ball!

Over there!

Where are you?

I'm not done teachin' you a lesson about cheating yet!

How are we ever gonna get out of here? Think, guys!

I'm trying, but it's hard

with that gorgeous pinball wench distracting me.

Okay, don't worry, guys.

I know every inch of this machine.

There's a manual power switch inside.

I can sneak in there and turn off the game,

but we'll have to distract the cowboy guy.

Are either of you good at jumping up and down

and making annoying noises?

My time has come.

All right, let's go, Soos. Soos?

So are you, like, doing anything later or--

Right.

Come on out and show yourselves, varmints!

Listen to me and look at what I'm doing!

Somethin' ain't right here.

Distraction! Distraction!

Let me see where this is goin'.

Yippe-ti-yi-- what? Where are ya?

Durn it, I wish I had a neck!

Soos! Psst! What's going on?

Just press the switch already!

Okay, so I was gonna do that, but I've been thinking.

According to this,

turning off the power erases the high score permanently.

That score is, like, my one big life accomplishment.

What? If you don't hurry up we could die in here!

Fair point. But, what is life anyway,

When compared to the immortality of a high score?

Soos! Are you out of your--

There y'all are.

Get ready to meet yer maker, kids!

My maker is ballway games in Redmond, Washington.

Mabel!

- SOOS! - SOOS, PLEASE!

Turn it off!

Goodbye, high score!

Oh, you dudes okay?

Yeah, Soos. You did it! You freed us!

Hey, man, I'm sorry you had to lose your high score.

That's okay. I got a new life accomplishment now:

saving you dudes.

You think that pinball wench will call me?

I can't believe this nonsense!

Magic tonics? Soos winning at something?

what do you come up these stuff?

I'll tell you a good story.

It's called "Grunkle Stan wins the football bowl."

Mr. Pines.

I thought old folks were useless,

But you taught me and my gloating friends a lesson.

Here's your football winning trophy, Mr. Pines!

Thanks, beautiful woman, but I couldn't have done it

without my sidekick, foot-bot.

Thank you for building me, daddy.

I love you, Stan.

Come on.

What? That story was great.

I even threw in a talking robot for the kids.

Yeah, yeah, I'm gonna tell a non-terrible story,

A story called...

Thoothache.

This attraction is gonna make me a fortune!

Easy with that bear, corduroy!

I need him in showroom condition!

No! No!

Aw! They're hugging!

So let me get this straight.

Your plan is to teach this bear to ride a bicycle?

Nah, come on. Everyone's seen a bicycle-riding bear.

No, no. I'm gonna teach this bear...

To drive!

And the yellow light means speed up.

Uh-oh.

What seems to be the problem, officers?

Now there had better be a darn good explanation for this.

Oh, there is.

You see, I'm a very old man, not long for this earth,

and the doctor's assigned me a seeing-eye bear

To drive me to the hospital in case of emergencies.

Is that right? Then where's your doctor's note?

Why, it's right here, inside my jacket!

Ah! There you go!

Well, I can't argue with dr. Medicine.

To the hospital, honeypants!

Grunkle Stan, how could you lie to those policemen?

Don't you know lying is always wrong?

Mabel, when you get to be my age,

You'll learn that sometimes

You have to bend the truth for the greater good.

Hey, has anyone seen my plate of spaghetti?

No.

But I bet Soos has. You know how he likes to eat.

This is a dark day. Thanks, Grunkle Stan!

See? Greater good.

Waddles, what am I gonna do about Grunkle Stan?

He needs to stop lying.

I know! But how do we stop him?

Maybe you should check Dipper's journal.

Oink, oink!

Say "Oink" One more time.

Oink, oink.

Waddles, you genius!

"Buried 'neath a tree stump in the deep forest are truth teeth,

which force upon the wearer an inability to lie." Hmm.

Aah! What's going on? What? Mabel?

Quick question.

What happened to Dipper's spaghetti plate?

I ate it, because I have little to no concern

for other people's possessions or emotions.

Huh. That was strangely candid.

Almost as if I'm unable to lie. Well, goodnight!

You what? That seems like a horrible idea!

It's great!

Now he has to tell the truth.

Scrambled meat, here it is.

Stan, what do you do in secret every day during your lunch break?

Usually I spend the hour aggressively scratching myself

in places I shouldn't mention.

Now I'm going to avoid making eye contact

by pretending to read this newspaper,

And go to the bathroom without washing my hands.

Well, that was disturbing.

Don't worry, Dipper.

The truth is always a good thing.

Hey, excuse me.

Do you think this t-shirt is my size?

Never mind the t-shirt! Hey, everybody!

Look at this guy's abnormal and unattractive face!

I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.

Doing my taxes.

Uh, Grunkle Stan, why did you write this?

Because I regularly commit massive tax fraud.

Might wanna tuck that one away there.

Oh, no!

Sometimes I think, is this all there is?

Is life just some kind of horrific joke without a punch line?

That we're all just biding our time

until the sweet, sweet release of death?

Kids!

I think I have a growth forming on my back!

Just wanted to be honest with you guys!

I can't take it anymore, Mabel!

You have to take those teeth out of his mouth.

But then he'd be a liar again!

Could is possibly be any worse than this?

So after further investigation,

Turns out there is no Dr. Medicine in Gravity Falls.

You'd better have a durn good explanation for this.

Oh, and I do!

You see, I lied to you.

In addition, I've been parking in handicapped spaces,

shoplifting fireworks,

And smuggling endangered animals across multiple state lines.

Also, you're fat.

Is all this true?

No, no, it's not true... right, Mabel?

Uh... sirs,

I have to be completely and totally honest with you.

Our great uncle Stan is...

Is... ugh!

Stan is...

secretly a crime fiction writer!

What?

Yeah! He was just telling you

about a character from his upcoming page-turner

crime grandpa.

He's never committed a crime in his life!

Also, have you lost weight?

Finally, someone noticed.

Wow, an author!

Can you teach me how to read?

What? Author?

Writer-- masters of fiction!

Good night, officers!

Hey, you all right?

I can't believe I lied!

Mabel, it was for the greater good.

Yeah. The greater good.

Hello, police station?

Yeah, I forgot to tell 'em about my tax fraud.

No, tax fraud.

Get 'em out!

What's gotten into you kids?

We have to find a place to get rid of these!

And I never saw that box full of magical teeth again.

Oh, wait, there it is.

Oh, sweet, my shoes.

I liked the part with the bear.

The rest seemed pretty farfetched.

Mabel, we already know that story.

We just lived through it.

So, if we're living through that story right now,

How does it end?

Guys, do you see that?

- Oh, what is that? - Oh, no!

- Where are we going? - Oh, my god!

Where... where are we?

Look! The shack!

Which means...

We came right back out the top

And I don't think any time has passed.

It must be some kind of wormhole

Yeah, dude, that sounds science enough to be true.

But, but that's impossible.

No one will believe us.

Maybe this is one story we should keep to ourselves.

Agree.

He'll be fine.

This is stupid.