Original subtitles

Thank you, Stephanie.

You're welcome, Ms. Dee.

Thank you for saying thank you.

Spelling bee today.

First place worth 20 gold stars.

Hey, Joseph, pick a card.

Okay, um, maybe this one.

Joseph?

Three of hearts, five of diamonds.

Spell "metamorphosis."

I'm sorry. That's incorrect.

"Twelve."

D?

- D? - W.

No, Noah, I'm sorry.

Space

hocus pocus.

Awesome! Okay. Back in line.

"Leprechaun."

Why?

The next word is "abracadabra."

But that's an onomatopoeia.

- It's not a word. - It is a word.

No, it's an onomatopoeia.

- It is a real word. - Onomatopoeia.

- Stephanie. - Onomatopoeia!

- Okay. - I demand a real word.

What is this? Anarchy? Are we beasts?

It is a word, Stephanie.

Okay? Just give it a try.

A

B

R

A

K.

Sorry, Stephanie. That's incorrect.

Sit down, Stephanie. Please.

You're out.

Elijah, spell the word "abracadabra."

Yeah, he won!

Great job, Elijah! You're catching up.

Hey, Stephanie.

It's alright, okay?

We still have the talent show coming up.

I'm sure you'll show off one of your many skills there.

You're right, Ms. Dee.

Everyone deserves their chance in the spotlight.

The winner of the talent show gets 30 gold stars!

Yeah! Make sure you practice.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will now make Joseph disappear!

Ready?

Wow, man.

You are a real magician.

That was really great, bud.

He's good.

Welcome to the good hope academy talent show.

And a big thank you to Stephanie pearce

for putting the slides how together.

Okay.

First up, we have Mildred sandstone

reciting the alphabet backwards.

Z.

Y.

Shh, shh, shh.

- Backstage voices. - X.

Backstage voices, okay?

W.

V.

You're very photogenic, Elijah.

Photo what?

As in you take a nice picture.

I like your magician outfit,

but aren't you forgetting your diaper?

How do you know about that picture?

Knock 'em dead out there, baby.

O.

N.

I.

H.

G.

F.

E.

D.

C.

B.

A.

Thank you.

Up next, we have Elijah Turner

with a death-defying magic trick.

Aww!

It's okay, Joseph.

Ladies and gentlemen,

I will now make Joseph disappear!

Now, wait a minute.

They want you to sign what kind of document?

Yeah, it's some kind of honor pledge, good buddy.

I don't know, I guess if I don't sign it

by the end of the week, I get fired.

Now, listen here, pretty vacant.

Do not sign that paper.

The government cannot legislate the morals of

alright, look, it's, it's, it's a private school.

So they say.

Don't underestimate the scope

of the modern indoctrinational-industrial complex.

Alright, bukowski. Relax.

I mean, it's,

it's just like a private schoolhouse type of deal.

I mean, yeah, it's a bit strict, but who knows?

Maybe a little bit of structure will be a welcome change.

So it's change you're looking for.

Well, I don't know. Or, escapism maybe.

You know, get out of the world of men,

get into the world of kids.

Get back some of that childlike wonder,

that love, that trust, that, whole antediluvian era

of innocence and honesty.

That sounds kind of nice, right?

That sounds very nice.

Okay, what?

- Nothin'. - No, what?

You spend much time around kids?

Yeah. Me?

Yeah. You know, sure.

Pssh. Sure.

Alright. Good luck.

Okay.

Good luck. Over.

Here you go.

That's a yummy yummy for your tummy tummy.

Hi-de-ho.

A little sloppy Joe.

Buns are up.

You look tired.

How about you keep it moving?

We don't encourage staff interaction with our students.

Have you signed your honor pledge?

Yes, yes.

Yes, I have. Here it is.

Sorry about that, principal... ma'am.

It's hamm, not "ma'am."

Dr. Hamm, actually.

Dr. Hamm.

Works for me.

Alright.

J.b., my man.

You got any, industrial-strength garbage bags?

I got something of a sloppy Joe calamity

happening in the kitchen.

Charlie, my dude.

I got you covered.

Thanks.

Hey...

Is it just me or is there, something of a petty tyrant

workplace situation happening around here?

Great. Dr. Hamm.

Hi. It's great to see you. I love saying that name.

Dr. Hamm just brings me joy. Don't know why.

Well, petty cash is short again.

$20 this time.

Now, I know our students and teachers didn't steal it,

so I'm asking all of our staff.

Empty your pockets, please.

Doc, you can't be serious.

Don't I look like I'm serious?

Well, yeah, perpetually.

But, I mean, come on, it's a little bit insulting.

It's a little more than a little insulting.

- It's actually like... - But we'd be happy to do it.

- Right, Charlie? - Okay, sure.

My keys.

Alright then.

Let's keep it this way.

Gosh, man.

I mean, thanks for intervening so I didn't get fired

but, like, holy cannoli.

That's some real bullshit you're putting up with.

- How do you do it? - It's easy.

I just remind myself that this is the best private school

in the tri-county area.

Right.

Your, um, your kid goes here, of course.

Yeah. As long as I have this job, his tuition is free.

So, yeah, if I have to swallow my pride,

when hamm's on the warpath, yeah, so be it.

I'm... look, ever since his mom... died,

Elijah's been in his own world

and he's been doing magic alone in his room.

His best friend at this school is the class gerbil.

It's not good, but,

lately he's been blossoming, you know?

He won the spelling bee today.

Yeah, and tomorrow,

he's doing his magic act for the talent show, so.

You know what it's like as a parent

to see your kid grow like that?

To, to do something scary and still get a win?

Yeah. I can only imagine. No, that's cool.

Wow.

Wow.

Hey, hey! Lookin' sharp.

Elijah's debuting his magic act.

I better look sharp.

- Work it. - - Up next, we have Elijah Turner

with a death-defying magic act.

You show 'em, mini Houdini.

Mini Houdini.

Houdini.

What a guy.

Ooh, okay.

Sounds like somebody's a hit.

- Quickly. - Nobody... nobody... gosh. Ms. Dee.

Ms. Dee, what happened? What's wrong?

Geez.

- Just give me a minute, okay? - Yeah.

What the hell kind of magic trick was it?

It wasn't a magic trick.

Elijah just killed Joseph

in front of the entire school.

Wait, j.B.'S kid killed another kid?

No. No. Joseph is the class gerbil.

Elijah put him in some kind of lantern thing and...

Wait a minute, are you telling me

that the class pet's name is Joseph gerbils?

Yeah. What?

Nah... nothing.

But anyway, it must have been some

kind of mix-up because...

Well, Elijah crushed Joseph with the hammer.

I checked the box!

- No. - Yeah.

Just... blood splattered everywhere.

The entire front row is gonna need

some serious therapy after this one.

Look, I gotta get these kids, okay?

- Yeah, yeah. Of course. - Come back this way, please.

Sheesh.

- Charlie? - Hey, hey.

I found this in the, parking lot.

I thought Elijah might want it back.

Thanks.

And, I thought you might need this.

Ta-da!

Abracadabra.

So, how's he doing?

Have a listen.

Never get out of the boat. Never get out of the boat.

And he's been like that since he's been home.

He won't eat. He, he won't leave his room.

He wants me to burn all of his magic stuff.

All the progress he's made. We've made.

It's all disappeared just like that.

I don't understand.

D-Don't kids forget everything that happened,

like, 12 seconds afterwards?

Something about too much water in their brains?

I think you're thinking of goldfish.

I am.

No, I don't think he's ever gonna live this down.

The video of the talent show is online,

and some parents have been commenting.

And one of them even suggested that they start a petition

to expel Elijah from school.

I'm sorry, don't, don't they understand

that this is just a terrible accident?

What?

No.

No, come on. You wanna say something, say it.

No, no, no. Nothing. You're right. You're right.

It was probably all just a, just a terrible accident.

Bullshit.

Fine.

There was a box under the lantern.

It had a hole in it. That's how the trick works.

Yeah, so Elijah waves a wand with one hand,

and with the other hand, he secretly pulls a string.

The gerbil drops through onto a little cushion.

That way, when Elijah swings the mallet,

there's nothing there.

Okay.

Yeah, well, the box was turned upside down.

There was no hole for the gerbil to fall through.

And that's when, when everything went wrong.

So, Elijah, he, turned the box the wrong way?

That gerbil was his best friend.

He would've, he would've double, triple checked

to make sure that it was safe.

Listen, I know my son.

Someone sabotaged his magic trick.

Yes, okay. You think I'm crazy.

Nah, man, I just...

You know, I think maybe it was something

a little bit less diabolical than all that.

Hey, look, i-i-I'm sorry, pal.

Having kids seems rough.

I just... is there anything that I can do to help?

Well, um, yeah.

I mean, if you wouldn't mind feeding the,

surviving gerbils.

- It... - Yeah, sure.

It was Elijah's job.

The food is in my office.

Keys to the kingdom.

Yeah, no, try not to lose those.

'Cause the only other person that has keys

to my office is Dr. Hamm, so.

Dr. Hamm.

You know, I think I like that name

because it reminds me of a cartoon doctor pig,

wearing a stethoscope.

Paging Dr. Hamm.

Look...

Elijah's gonna bounce back, okay?

And the other kids are gonna come around.

Yeah, I don't know.

Kids live in a different world than we do,

and it's a lot bigger, and it's a lot louder,

and it's a lot meaner.

It's a jungle down there.

Take it easy.

I'm sorry, man.

Never get out of the boat.

My god. Thank goodness.

The kids could really use a distraction.

Right here's good.

Here goes nothing.

No, no, no.

Okay, maybe, start at the corners.

- Sorry. - Ms. Dee, we need some help.

Geez, um. Okay, I'll be right back.

I got a nosebleed at 7 o'clock.

No, lean forward. Not backwards.

You'll choke.

Hey, what's the story with pigtails over there?

Stephanie?

She might be the most upset about what happened.

This morning, she even asked me if we'd do

a class prayer on Joseph's behalf.

Geez. That's very thoughtful of her.

Yeah, I thought so too.

I gave her two gold stars for it.

She's our star student. Literally.

Holy Toledo. So, like, she just, wins everything?

Well, almost.

I mean, technically, no one won the talent show.

And she lost the spelling bee.

Right.

- To, um... - J.b.'s kid, right? - Yeah.

- Elijah... - no, no.

Maybe don't say his name out loud just yet.

Give it some time.

Wow. Stephanie, right?

That's right. Can I help you?

You're a real achiever?

Says who?

Well, says you.

According to you, you love to achieve.

I do.

I just wanna be the best me possible.

Hey...

So, what does that mean?

Like, having the most gold stars?

Not to brag, but that makes me the best me

and the best kid in the class.

Well, I mean, except for spelling, right?

Like, Elijah is the best at spelling.

He's also the best at murdering animals

and giving everyone nightmares.

Does that make you upset

that Elijah's better than you at spelling?

Not at all.

Everyone deserves a chance to shine.

Well, somehow, I,

well, I don't think you believe that.

Whatever do you mean?

Well, I can see that you're a gifted kid.

And, believe it or not, I'm a little gifted too.

At what? Smelling like wet beef?

That, and I can tell if somebody is lying.

Okay, wow. Neato.

Alright, how about we just,

slow down on this thing so I don't vomit.

Now, I think that maybe you were a little bit upset

because Elijah was gaining on you, right,

with those gold stars?

So, you sabotaged his magic trick. Am I right?

- No. - Bull...

Shoot.

Bull shoot.

I, well, I happened to find this in the, custodian's office,

and, that's where Elijah keeps his magic kit.

So, it's very hard proof that you were in there.

And, well, I think you and I both know

that Elijah didn't kill that gerbil on purpose.

It only happened because you messed with his magic trick.

Now, you, you have a chance here, okay,

to do the right thing, I mean, the brave thing,

and just clear Elijah's name.

What do you say, kid?

I say...

What the hell?

Just try and prove it now. Good luck.

Now Joseph disappear!

I know you missed something, you pigtailed demon child,

and I'm gonna find it.

Hey, kiddo, so who's the resident computer whiz around here?

Um, I guess I am.

Cool. So, what do you say? You wanna log me on?

I'll make it worth your while.

Okay, so this is the entire video of the talent show.

Alright. Okay. What can we find?

Alright.

Okay.

Snoozefest.

Okay, so Elijah runs off stage.

Then when he comes back,

his picture is missing from the slides how.

Which Stephanie made.

Hey, do you know

i-i-is this the exact computer that Stephanie used

to make those slides?

Okay.

Um, let's take a peek here.

Great.

Okay, alright, here's her presentation and the slides how pictures.

Aww.

My god.

Hey. Hey, what's so funny?

That's just a cute little baby picture.

Look at Elijah. Dumb diaper baby.

- My god. - Wait, wait, wait.

This is embarrassing?

So, is that why Stephanie went into j.B.'S office?

To, to, to, to create some kind of distraction?

Will Charlie Cale

report to the principal's office, please?

- Charlie Cale. - Yeesh mcgeesh.

I'm like a grown-ass man.

Why, why did that just make me terrified?

Hey, you really shouldn't say a-s-s

unless it's like a donkey in the Bible.

Okay.

I'll-I'll amend that behavior.

I'm not really supposed to have sugar.

Look, I'm aware that I may come across

as somewhat inflexible.

But you have to understand the position I'm in

as the head of an elite preparatory academy.

I have multiple competing stakeholder groups

that I have to deal with on a daily basis.

The children, their parents, the board of trustees.

Not to mention the teachers and staff.

What's best for one group might not necessarily be

what's most pleasing to the others.

That means, every day, I have to make hard decisions

that will ultimately make somebody unhappy.

Are you firing me?

Yes.

I am so sorry.

Might I ask why?

I can't have a cafeteria worker harassing a student

or calling her a "pigtailed demon child."

Stephanie? No, no, no.

I was not harassing her.

Well, she showed me a video.

Yeah?

Well, look, if anything,

Stephanie was harassing Elijah.

That's preposterous.

Stephanie is our star student.

She sabotaged Elijah's magic trick.

And that is how the class gerbil went belly up.

Well, that's a very harsh accusation.

Well, in the first place, she had a motive.

Elijah was, gaining on her with these gold stars.

She didn't like that.

And next, opportunity.

Elijah had to leave the stage

when he saw that really embarrassing picture

that Stephanie put in the slides how.

And, well, that gave her a perfect window

to just mess with his magic trick.

Do you have proof?

I did have proof,

but that little demon-haired bitch ate it.

Look, do you wanna help Elijah or not?

Because, man, this kid, he could really use our help.

And...

Wait, now that I'm thinking about it, I...

How the hell did Stephanie get into that custodian closet?

There's only two people that have keys, right?

It's you. It's, j.B., of course.

So... we are not here to discuss my keys

or my friendship bracelet.

I was not discussing your friendship bracelet.

Unless you want me to talk to you

about your friendship bracelet?

I suggest you leave my office.

Well, okay.

And go to the restroom downstairs.

Second stall from the back.

Okay.

Okay.

Shit.

So, you're the cash box thief?

Shh. Quiet!

This is humiliating enough.

Go to page six.

Okay.

I've developed a bit of a, of a gambling habit, okay?

Which means, sometimes, I don't have much cash on me.

So, sometimes, I grab a little.

Well, not exactly role model behavior, Dr. Hamm.

Well, I always put the cash back the next day.

But one time, Stephanie caught me.

God, her,

her parents manage beavers' corners casino.

She's been blackmailing me ever since.

That's how she got the keys to j.B.'S office.

My hands are tied.

Wear this as a reminder.

If you ever cross me, you're out of a job.

Hey, not to go out on a flying broomstick or anything,

but, I mean, you're talking about a little girl

and a couple of bucks here,

a few dollars there out of a cash box.

I mean, it just can't be that big of a deal.

Well, well, t-tell that to the kids' parents.

They pay 30 grand a year for an elite education.

I mean, it's all about appearances.

So, how's this gonna look?

Yeah, sure.

I-i-i-I'm sorry.

So, you're just gonna let pigtails

run Elijah out of the school?

Changing schools might be the best thing for Elijah.

Better than being in Stephanie's crosshairs.

Stephanie is untouchable.

Trust me.

Save yourself and just walk away.

Too bad they don't give out gold stars

for outsmarting the lunch lady.

Or should I say ex-lunch lady?

Gold stars. Yada, yada.

Gold stars go to the best student,

not the class weirdo who's only at this school

because his dad cleans the potties.

Alright, kid, listen to me.

If you keep this up, you just

you're not gonna have a lot of friends.

I don't need friends.

Hey, look, there's this expression, right?

Goes like this:

"It's lonely at the top."

Meaning, everybody needs friends.

Even you.

Hey, hey, hey.

It's alright. What's wrong?

It's gonna be okay. It's okay.

You okay?

Maybe I say I don't need friends...

Because they're the one thing I want the most.

And I act out because.

I just want someone to like me.

Bullshoot.

Hey, hey.

Hey.

Whoa.

I'm actually on my way out.

Well, turns out, kids aren't really my bag.

But, I wanna feed the gerbils before I go.

Knock yourself out.

I just wish,

could've figured out a way to help Elijah out.

Yeah. Yeah, me too.

I thought I was helping.

Between me and you.

I was giving him all magic-related

spelling bee words on purpose.

I mean, that kid's got so much potential.

I thought all he needed was just a nice little victory

to help him come out of his shell.

Well, that's very teacherly of you.

Yeah, I also thought it'd be good for Stephanie

to learn how to deal with a little disappointment.

Yeah. No gold stars for pigtails on that front.

God, man, were-were kids this mean

when we were growing up?

Yeah. Definitely.

I mean, on some level, they know that

adolescence is just around the corner,

and it's gonna be total warfare.

So, they're, they're testing boundaries

and building up walls, often as early as second grade.

But, you know, at the same time

they still have these, these little kid hearts.

They wanna love each other.

Yeah.

Childhood. The worst.

I tell you, I don't blame Elijah

for wanting to hang out with the gerbils

instead of his classmates.

Everything's so much simpler down there.

The boat.

Elijah kept saying, "never get out of the boat."

And I get it.

I mean, look at these guys.

Yeah, no gold stars, no competition, no cruelty.

Just, well, taking care of each other

and loving each other no matter what.

Most of the kids get that.

Yeah.

But, not Stephanie?

Well, not yet at least.

Hey, I... I've got an idea

for how we could, you know, help Elijah out.

But we're gonna need a bigger boat.

You're doing great, bud. You'll be just fine.

Dad, I'm scared.

They're all gonna hate me.

No. No, they're not.

No one's gonna hate you.

Hey, listen, you're doing it, okay?

You're... and I'm right here with you.

I'm so proud of you, bud.

Okay.

Welcome back, Elijah!

We missed you.

- We love you. - What is this?

We wanted to show you that we love you

and that we're all in the same boat.

You hear that, bud? Everybody's so happy to see you.

Yes, they are.

And we have some very special news to share.

We were able to revive Joseph.

He's all better now.

- Are you crazy? - I can't believe it.

You know Joseph's still dead, right?

We're all together again!

That's an imposter.

Joseph gerbils is still dead.

That's not your gerbil husband.

That's enough, Stephanie.

Hey, you know what, I love Elijah so much,

I'm gonna give him all my gold stars.

What?!

- No! - Elijah! Elijah!

- Put those back. - Elijah! Elijah!

That's... that's...

That's socialism!

No running, please.

Now, that's one for the slides how.

What are you doing here? You're fired.

I should be asking you the same question.

But, look, Elijah's dad is a thief, a cash box thief.

Wow.

Trying to get Elijah kicked out of school

by gettin' his dad fired.

I mean, that's low even for you.

So? What are you gonna do about it?

Me? Me, nothing.

But a force greater than either of us

is coming for you, kid.

No. The police?

Puberty.

Now, here's how this is gonna go down.

Your little reign of terror? It's over.

No more bracelets. No more blackmail.

Or else this photo's gonna wind up

in not just your parents' inbox but also the admissions office

of every elite boarding school on the east coast.

Shake on it.

Yep.

Wow. Best friends forever.

They're nice animals. Treat them with respect.

Be gentle. That's one of the main things. You have to be gentle.

It's perfect, dad. Thank you.

So, yeah, I mean, it turns out

that a bunch of 8-year-olds didn't have all the answers.

Who knew? Yeah, I knew.

Right.

But I will tell you something.

I mean, they will always find a way to surprise you.

Over.