Original subtitles

What's that, Harry?

Another lecture for your night school class?

Bigger than that, Mac. This is the final exam.

Ooh, the swan song for the Koch community clodhoppers.

So what's the hardest question besides name here?

All right, Mr. Know -It -All, try this one.

Miss Douglas has been brought in on a shoplifting charge.

What is the standard three -point defense?

Easy. Short skirt, plunging neckline, and no underwear.

Hey, Christine.

How was the ride on the old congressional campaign trail?

Tiring. Besides fighting the darn cold, I was up all night working on the

opening jokes for my Women's League speech.

Jokes?

You?

What's wrong with that?

Nothing. I just never thought of you as the kind of girl who, you know, feels

comfortable saying funny things.

That's ridiculous.

I say lots of funny things, don't I, Mac?

Well?

Oh, yeah, yeah.

I remember a great joke you told about a stupid woman who wallpapered over her

cat.

That stupid woman happened to be me.

And it wasn't funny.

I could have sworn I laughed.

He must...

Can I talk to you about something in my personal life?

As long as it doesn't trigger a visual of you naked.

Okay, here goes.

For the past few months, there's been a very special lady in my life. But we're

keeping it on the sly because she's related to someone we all know.

What's so funny?

Well, for some reason, when you said that, I flashed on Bull's mother.

walk -in tattoo parlor.

It is Bull's mother.

So, how'd you meet the little mermaid?

It was at Bull's wedding reception.

She was reaching for the oyster dip, and she scooped up my heart.

With her good hand or the hook?

It was.

Well, it was just so easy.

So anyway, last night I called the ship to shore.

and I asked her to be my bride, and she said,

I are you, scurvy dog.

So what, besides the painfully obvious, is your problem?

Bull.

Oh, you're wondering how to tell him that his favorite handyman is also his

mother's favorite handyman.

Exactly. What if he gets peeved?

Well, Art, Bull loves his mother, and he doesn't.

Hate you.

When he finds out how happy you are, he's going to be thrilled.

I hope you're right because here he comes.

Hey, guys, what's up?

Fool, I'm going to marry your mother.

And what do I know? I'm no shrink.

So, how's Bull doing?

I just checked on him in the guard's lounge.

He's sitting there with his vacant stare in his eyes drooling out of the side of

his mouth.

Oh, good.

He's back to normal.

Yeah.

Don't worry. The villagers say he's afraid of fire.

So, feeling better?

Well, you mean you're not ticked off?

Heck no.

After 40 years of sampling every fish in the sea, Mama's finally dropped anchor.

Way to go, Bull. I knew you'd take this like a man.

And just think of all the neat father and son things we can do. We can go to

circus, the zoo, ring doorbells and run.

Yep, just like a man.

Come on, we got 40 years to catch up on, Dad.

Art's going to marry Bull's mother.

File's up, sir, and my lunch can't be too far behind.

I'm with you. Let's go from lovebirds to jailbirds, huh, Matt? Call it. Yes,

sir. People versus Marie Antoinette.

Solicitation.

Prosecution.

Yes, sir.

Your Honor, Her Majesty the Queen of French Kissing was arrested on 42nd

when she offered two vice officers the chance to storm the Bastille.

Maybe she should have just let them eat cake.

So, uh, what happened, Marie?

Lose your head?

My client would like to throw herself on the merci of the court.

Come on, guys, don't you get it? It's French.

Throw herself on the thank you of the court?

Oh, it's a pun.

Honey, that's cheap.

But then again...

Funny.

And time to mange, mes amis.

And I'm off to the Scholastic Salt Mines. Well, Harry, why are you wasting

time with those pathetic pinheads?

It's not a waste, Dan. It's very stimulating.

I had no idea I was going to enjoy teaching as much as I do, and I have a

feeling that Koch Community College is going to offer me a full professorship.

So if you'll excuse me, I have a tutorial to conduct.

Yeah, well, tell the pinheads I said duh.

Professorship?

Wait a minute. That would mean he would have to give up his position here.

Wow. Night court without Harry.

That's a pretty scary thought, huh?

Not scary, Mac.

Exhilarating.

What are you talking about?

I'm talking about Judge Daniel R.

Fielding.

to read the charge or the cell door opens and air it large.

Five, six, seven, eight. What's that Miranda stipulate?

Remain silent, get a lawyer, but spill your guts and they'll destroy you.

Sylvia, what's the key to the thing we call double jeopardy? You can't try,

Vicki. Oh, shut your mouth, Sylvia.

You got no rhythm.

Pardon me for being passionate.

Well, by all means, get it out of your system before we get home.

things up.

I have no doubt that you kids are going to ace this test. Now get out of here.

Get home. Get some rest. I'll see you all tomorrow.

Travis.

Sorry, teach.

All habits die hard.

Eat your heart out, Mr. Chips.

If it isn't the diligent students.

Hi. You know, I was just musing over how fortunate you are to have Judge Stone

for your instructor.

Oh, he's truly a gift from God.

Stop gushing, Sylvia.

Well, Sylvia, if you feel so strongly, maybe you should make your feelings

to the dean.

You mean like a brick through his window?

No, you student.

I'm thinking more along the lines of a letter -writing campaign.

Hey, we could tie a letter to a brick.

I have.

Of just such a letter. Here.

All you have to do is sign your names.

Hopefully there won't be too much of a challenge.

No.

To whom it may concern, please give Harold T. Stone tenure.

He makes loving fun.

No, learning.

I'm supposed to say learning. All right, give me these.

I'm going to correct them. I'll be right back. Wait here.

Damn manual typewriters.

Guess he forgot about us. Let's go.

So, Art, how's it going?

It's been better.

Junior and me took in an all -night Daffy Duck marathon and capped it off

five hours of thumb wrestling followed by two hours of surgery.

You let Bull perform surgery on you?

Wow. You are a good daddy.

Ladies, I'm in a quandary. As much as I love Hank, I don't think I'm ready for

fatherhood.

Well, it seems to me the problem is that Bull's been acting like a son.

So maybe you should try acting like a father.

You know, like... That's it.

Reverse psychology.

Junior wants a father?

Junior's gonna get a father.

Roz, you're brilliant.

Reverse psychology.

How'd you think of that one, Roz?

I didn't. I was just gonna tell him to whoop the kid.

Uh -huh. Okay, so then the woman says, so, who's in charge of the food?

Yeah, go on.

It's a punchline.

Oh.

Not even a titter?

I'm laughing on the inside.

Well, maybe it was just a lousy joke.

Yeah, it was pretty bad. I heard that one before.

I have it. How's it go?

Um, let me see.

Two women are walking down the street. One says to the other, my husband is

having an affair.

And the other one says, really?

Who's catering?

Good day, good professor.

I bring you this basket of cheer as a small token of my undying friendship and

unbounded respect.

Get well soon, Grandma.

She didn't.

So, how did your charming students do on their final exam?

They all failed.

I guess all I'm qualified for is passing judgment on scantily dressed women with

loose morals.

God, I want that job.

I got it. You can grade them on a curve.

They all scored zero.

You rate them on a bump.

You know, what really puzzles me is that they all had that material nailed for

the tutorial.

Sounds like performance anxiety.

Huh? You know, students can be totally prepared for a test, but when the clock

starts ticking, they freeze up.

Performance anxiety?

Well, if that's what it is, then all I would have to do is retest them.

You're brilliant.

Oh, glad I could help.

Hey, you guys. Did you hear the one about the nearsighted Presbyterian and

billy goat?

No.

Do tell.

Okay.

So there's this Presbyterian.

Wait a minute.

Is he a Lutheran?

Okay. There's this nearsighted Lutheran and the billy goat.

Was it a sheep?

Everybody ready?

Oh, I hope so, sir. I was up all night.

Walter, you pulled an all -nighter for this test?

Well, actually, I only studied until about 8 .30.

The rest of the time, I was hugging the toilet.

Walter, you need a woman.

All right, what do you say we get started?

Pass these back.

And remember, if you have any questions at all, don't hesitate to ask.

And we'll do our best to answer them.

Dan, what are you doing here?

Oh. I thought I'd just come by and lend support. I mean, after all, I helped you

make up the tasks. Why don't I stick around? I can help you grade them.

Well, all right, but keep quiet.

Shh, got you geniuses at work.

All right, folks, you can start at your own pace.

To see.

To see.

You say something, Dan.

To see. I might go to see on vacation.

Take a cruise.

You keep quiet or you're going to cruise right out of here.

Aye, aye, Skipper.

Won't hear another peep out of me.

Peep, Dan.

Oh, I had a cramp in my finger.

I've gotten about an inch of lead.

Fielding, get up here.

I want you to keep quiet. Make yourself useful.

That's better.

Oh, sir.

You missed a few.

Those are the answers.

Answers to what?

The test. You idiot. Keep your voice down.

Why would the test answers be on the blackboard?

Wait a minute.

Those are the answers.

Good Lord, Walter.

Have you been cheating?

I don't think so.

All right, Dan. What the hell is going on?

Oh, Harry, I'm sorry. I just wanted to help you achieve your dream.

What dream?

Of leaving the bench.

What are you... talking about?

Why would I want to quit my job?

Because these pinheads need you, sir.

Out. Right.

All right, exam's over. Hand your papers up.

Why is that, sir? Well, isn't it obvious? Dan gave you the answers.

Now everyone will have the same answer for number one, B.

24 and a third? Now, how is this possible? You people know these answers,

even if you don't, they're right up in front of you in black and white there.

What's going on?

Well, sir... Not a word, blondie.

I'm sorry, Travis. His will is too strong.

Sir, we conspired to fail the test so we could take your class over again.

Why in the world would you want to do that?

Because we love this class. It's the most important thing in our lives.

It's the only thing in my life.

I don't understand.

Sir, you've inspired us.

Thanks to you, I've decided to stop trying to date lawyers and become one

myself.

I've had that effect?

You bet you have.

You've been an inspiration.

Your civil law lecture inspired me to take action.

You did?

Yeah. I sued my neighbor and got that 90 -year -old hag evicted.

You did?

Yes, sir.

Because of you, I have the courage to wear corduroy.

Well, gosh.

And Morty and I have canceled our divorce plans.

But you two fight like pit bulls.

Fine line between love and hate.

You showed us the way.

I'm stunned.

I mean, you got all that out of my little class.

I really made that much of a difference?

Yes. Absolutely.

You know, for a while there, I was beginning to think maybe Dan was right,

you were just a bunch of pinheads.

Yes, sir, but we're your pinheads.

You bet we are.

I never thought I'd say this to a man, but, uh...

I, uh... We, uh... I'm no good with the schmaltzy stuff.

I think what Travis is trying to say, sir, is... How do you thank someone

taken you from crayons to perfume?

It isn't easy, but we'll try.

If you wanted the sky...

my pinheads.

Hey, Dad.

Ready for our camp out in Central Park?

I got the marshmallows and the mace.

I have to wait.

First, I need you to be a good son and paint Dad's apartment.

Then you can steam clean Dad's carpeting and sandblast Dad's 75 Pinto.

Then we can go camping.

Not until you've finished all your broccoli, Junior.

You know, technically, you're not going to be my father.

You're going to be my stepfather.

And sons are supposed to resent their stepfathers.

You're not my real father.

You don't understand me.

And don't call me Junior.

Got any new jokes for us?

Know that I've given up trying to be funny.

Some people have it and some people don't. From now on, I'm going to be

the profound candidate.

The profound candidate?

Yeah. Would you listen to the opening of my Women's League speech?

My friends, the world is metamorphosing with every turgid spin of its rhetorical

axis. As we careen through this transitory flux, we're tempted to

you're arresting my destiny.

but lest we forget life is like a window if you don't put up curtains the sun

will fade the rug