Original subtitles

What's in the basket?

Lunch.

Wanda's decided to make me gourmet meals from now on.

Wanda Lee's been making me the same dumb lunch every day for the past seven

years.

Some sort of sandwich, a bruised fruit,

and a warm soda.

And I think she's been using the same bag for seven years, too.

Let's see what kind of goodies we have today.

Endive salad.

Saffron potatoes.

Sliced, diced, and lightly spiced.

to pheasant under glass.

Wow, that looks great.

Yeah, if you like that kind of stuff.

Personally, I find myself in a culinary quagmire.

Trade? You bet.

I'd give her an eight for poise, a seven for posture, Possible nine in the yummy

competition.

I'd give you a ten for slobbering.

Dan, what's the rating system?

It's not like you to be so finicky.

Tonight, I have been requested to bring my unique powers of judgment to one of

America's most prestigious competitions. Women from every walk of life set their

hopes and their dreams on hearing the three words.

There she is.

Miss America?

Miss Mass Transit.

Wow, what an honor.

The winner gets her picture plastered on every bus and train in the city.

And her face is a target for every spitball wizard on the line.

You're a judge?

Ha, that just proves that beauty pageants are nothing but cheap, shallow

displays that humiliate and exploit women.

Refresh my memory, Christine. Was it the Miss Buffalo pageant or the Miss

Upstate New York pageant that you lost?

And the rig, too.

Dessert?

Crushed almonds on caramelized flan?

Stale ding -dong?

Call it, Mac.

Public endangerment, sir.

Prosecution? Yes, sir. The defendant is charged with screaming fire with no

cause in a crowded theater.

Your Honor,

my client was watching the movie while he was taking a business call on his

cellular phone.

He did not scream fire.

He screamed fire her.

Fire who?

His secretary.

Apparently, she forgot to get his hot tub delimed.

Oh.

The soured milk of yuppie kindness.

$55 end time, sir. And next time, keep it in your briefcase, pal.

I'll get it.

Hello? No, this is not his new secretary.

Well, you have a nice voice, too.

I'm wearing something blue and form -fitting.

Honey, you should ask. I do have handcuffs.

Call it, Mac.

People versus Willard obstructing a thoroughfare and creating a public

Mr. Prosecutor?

Your Honor, the defendant was arrested in the middle of the Brooklyn Bridge

where he had parked his car sideways and was in the process of...

buffing his bumper.

Miss Sullivan?

Your Honor, according to Mr. Willard, he was not obstructing a public

thoroughfare since the Brooklyn Bridge is now private road, which he claimed to

own. On what basis?

On the basis of the evidence, Your Honor. This is a canceled check.

Pay to the city of New York $2 .50.

Oh, will inflation never end?

Notice the memo line for the purchase of the Brooklyn Bridge?

Should read for the purchase of a straight jacket.

Yeah. I also got a canceled check for the Statue of Liberty, too. Here you go.

You know what I was thinking? I was thinking of turning her into a time

condo. You know, give us your core, your huddled masses yearning for two fun

-filled, fabulous vacation weeks a year.

Your Honor, I think we've all heard the tired old joke about selling the

Brooklyn Bridge.

Yeah, well, this may not be a joke.

If, in fact, my client does own the Brooklyn Bridge, legally he can do

he likes on it.

Well, before he turns it into a water fun park, what do you say we discuss

in my chambers? We'll take a short recess.

Think we have time for a snack?

Sure.

What'd you bring?

Duck a l 'orange and Alsatian fruit tart.

Spam spread on animal crackers?

Sold!

I called you all into chambers because I didn't want everyone to hear that Mr.

Willard might just have a case.

You mean had a case. My guess is bourbon.

I knew my claim was legal.

As you know full well, the terms of any legal transaction are offer, acceptance,

and consideration. Well, Mr. Willard did offer the city of New York $2 .50 for

the Brooklyn Bridge. And the city accepted it, and since the check

there's your consideration.

Which makes it mine, mine, mine.

We're the only ones that know about this real estate windfall?

Oh, a lone, defenseless city just waiting to be plucked?

My God!

Do you have any idea how many years I've had my eye on the Chrysler building?

Mr. Willard, you have a very small legal technicality here, but even a small

case like this can keep the legal system tied up for years.

I got time.

Well, the courts don't.

So what do you say? You forget about these acquisitions and we'll drop the

charges against you. Why should I? You said it was legal. I own them.

I said you may have found a small...

loophole, but don't you understand?

If this gets out, every crazy in town is going to start sending in checks.

Not if we keep it to ourselves.

The city won't be able to get any business done. Things are going to grind

halt. I don't care about this city and its problems.

It's like it didn't care about me and my problems.

What are you talking about?

Well, a few years ago, I sent in this check to pay my taxes.

A year later...

I received this from the city saying, hey, where's your taxes?

I write back, hey, I paid them.

They didn't believe me. So I go down to city hall and everybody, everybody there

says, it's not my department, not my business.

I mean, I spent so much time on this, I lost my job.

And then two weeks ago, they foreclosed on my house.

Well, that's not fair. I'm sure we can get your house back.

Better bring a toolbox. They demolished it.

They tore down your house?

Yeah, quite a snafu, eh?

Where are you living now?

Top of Lady Liberty's Torch. It's kind of drafty, but whoa, what a view, huh?

Mr. Willard, you have found someone who will listen to you now.

I'm going to have Matt make a few calls. We'll straighten this out. You don't

understand. I want revenge. That's why I've been buying up all the city's

precious landmarks. Mr. Willard, it's going to take some time to work this

and during that time, you've got to stay off the Brooklyn Bridge.

Oh, sorry. I've got 12 people coming for dinner tomorrow night.

You know how it is. I keep canceling.

I've got to get back to the bridge. I have to vacuum and scrape.

Mr. Willard, if you're going to take that position, then I have to hold you

for trial.

I'm sorry, Mr. Willard. We'll get you out as soon as we can.

I have just one question here.

You think six bucks is too much for Grand Central Station?

Not if you throw in that really big clock.

Your friend is here, Dan.

I hope this wrapper means she's been sanitized for your protection.

If this isn't a surprise, my old friend, Miss Crosstown Bus. Don't old friend

me. You have a lot of explaining to do, Judge Fielding. Well, I don't really go

under the name Judge around here.

You promised me I'd be crowned Miss Mass Transit.

Hold on a minute. When did I promise that?

When I was scrubbing your back with the roofer sponge.

Well, then, I'd have said anything. I was temporarily insane.

I had my heart set on all those wonderful prizes.

A lifetime transit pass.

A silver -plated stun gun.

And they were going to name a sandwich after me at the Port Authority.

I'm guessing the tongue sandwich.

I put myself on the line for you. I told the other judges, Miss Crosstown Bus

has unique qualities that go...

far deeper than just a pretty face and a great body.

Although those qualities go pretty deep, too.

You really said those beautiful things about me?

I wept when you didn't win.

No woman could be this stupid.

You haven't met Miss Tollbooth.

Let me prove it. How about dinner?

Well... Friday night.

Okay. And don't forget, bring the loofah sponge.

What happened

here? Did I miss something?

Nope. Just another episode of Dan Fielding, America's Luckiest Man.

afraid Mr. Willard's story checks out.

There is no record that he paid his taxes.

The city did tear down his house and they have plans to put in a mini mall.

That is just not fair.

Well, they did promise to name it after him.

Excuse me, Judge Stone.

Mr. Willard, I just paid my bail. I was on my way to check my properties. I

wanted to stop by and ask you something.

You ask me whatever you like, Mr. Willard.

Because I'm not about to stand by and watch an innocent man get trampled by

system. What can I do for you?

You can, uh, you can get out of here.

Excuse me?

Vacate the premises.

See, when I was downstairs paying my bail, I couldn't resist writing a check

the courthouse.

Oh, man.

Oh, you think this room's big enough for a pool table, huh?

Miss Adrian, you have to try to imagine what this means to the city. I'm an

accountant, Judge Stone, and as deputy city comptroller, I'm paid not to

imagine.

That would explain your outfit.

Excuse me?

Listen, all you've got to do is reimburse Mr. Willard for his losses,

drop his silly claims.

Please, I'm crunching numbers.

Hmm, that's very interesting.

What's interesting?

Yes, that's very, very interesting.

And it just might work.

What might work?

What if he did own the building?

What are you talking about?

Hide the pets. Here comes the landlord.

Mr.

Willard, Judge Stone, I've been thinking about everything you said, you know,

and, well, I had a change of heart.

Actually, 20 hours in holding didn't hurt.

I don't want any more trouble, so why don't I give you back the bridge and the

buildings? I'm sure the city comptroller will be very glad to hear that. Deputy

city comptroller, I'm Monica Adrian.

Adrian. Adrian, you're the one.

You're the one who signed the demolition order for my house.

The brownstone. It's so nice to put a face with the name.

It's a pleasure to meet you. And may I remind you, all sales are final.

What? If my calculations are correct, if I subtract the cost of the maintenance

of the properties you bought, Mr.

Willard, we might be able to balance the city budget for the first time in 20

years. And if I could get some takers on the Staten Island Ferry and Yankee

Stadium, we could actually make a profit.

You know, I might be looking at a seat on the city council.

This is your idea of help, Judge Stone?

Uh, Ms. Adrian, this is not a viable solution.

It is for us. The bridge, the statue, and the courthouse, they're yours.

Lock, stock, and upkeep. Use them in good health.

Now, here's your first set of bills.

I'll forward the rest. I don't have an address. You demolished my house.

I'll have the messenger to the torch.

I can just see the ad campaign now. New York, you break it, you buy it.

Mr. Willard, on behalf of the city of New York, I salute you for your extreme

act of generosity and public service.

Good evening, gentlemen.

I'm ruined.

How can I possibly handle all this responsibility?

I don't know, Mr. Willard. I don't know. But trust me, I'm sure I'll come up

with something.

Well, you better. Are you looking at a serious rent increase?

Believe me, Miss Turnstile, I wept when you didn't win.

But you promised.

When? When we were moving the hotel room mirror around.

Oh, yeah.

Listen, I tried.

I told the other judges. I said, look at Miss Turnstile. Look at her qualities.

It's because of me that they made you miss conviviality.

Well... Oh, come on. Let me prove it. How about dinner?

Friday night?

Oh, no, no, no.

Saturday night?

Okay. But this time, you buy.

Okay.

This pageant judge thing is great.

You know something? I am booked solid till next Thursday night, and this is

the runner's up.

Dan, is that your idea of judging a beauty pageant, sleeping with the

contestants? With me, everyone gets a taste of the runway.

Five -minute recess.

Good. Now we have time.

How are you going to get home and back in five minutes? Oh, I'm not. They're

meeting me here.

Judge, have you seen what's in this paper?

Wow, Wingo's back.

I mean this classified ad.

For sale.

Starter statue.

Old European charm.

Unique crown.

Entertainer's torch with wet bar.

Needs TLC and sandblasting.

Sounds like a great deal.

But it says, foreign inquiries welcome.

Now, this city cannot allow our Statue of Liberty to be sold to foreigners.

It's not yours anymore.

And if you want to buy it back, I'm afraid you have to get in line. You see,

Willard already has a very nice offer from the French.

They want to use it as a lawn jockey for the Eiffel Tower.

Judge, this has gotten way out of control. Now, I know that I authorized

sale to Mr.

Willard, but I could lose my job over this.

And the city could lose a lot of landmarks.

If I bought the Lincoln Tunnel, I could stop digging my own.

See what I mean?

You've got to help me.

Well, the council's approached the bench.

Yes, sir.

Miss Sullivan, it seems that the city is willing to reclaim its landmarks. Now,

do you suppose that under the right conditions, your client would be willing

give the city back its buildings?

Possibly, with the right incentive.

Well, let's not set any precedents here. I'm still waiting to hear back on the

Bronx.

Incentive? Such as?

Well, to begin with, there's that ugly tax business, and then everything you

took from him. Now, wait. That's a fiscal impossibility. Forget it, Miss

Sullivan. The city isn't taking our offer seriously. I guess we better just

the French and open escrow.

Don't call. You win. I'll draw up the papers.

There goes my promotion, my dreams, my blintzes with the mayor.

Ha, ha, ha. Mac, what do you think of that? Huh? I just saved the city and the

courthouse. Does that mean we don't get that pool table?

So what have you got for me today?

Chip beef sandwich, three cheese curls, and a bruised orange.

What happened?

I forgot to put the toilet seat down.

Judge Stone!

Judge Stone, I can't believe it. Your plan worked? Thank you, everyone. Look,

the city refunded the cost of my house.

It covers everything we are even. Well, congratulations, Mr.

Willard. I bet you cannot wait to rebuild your house and settle down and

this whole thing.

What are you kidding?

I'm taking this money buying a condo in Florida.

Oh, yeah, this city's falling apart, I know.

I used to own it.

It's Miss Mass Transit. I saw your picture on the bus.

When did you shave your goatee?

Hey, Fielding, remember me?

Frank DiGilli, chairman emeritus, mismatched transit pageant.

You and me, we got some problems.

Judge Danny, these silly men say that they're going to take my title away.

They say that I slept with you to get your vote.

The pageant's reputation's on the line.

Did you put our integrity in the toilet by doing the bump -bump with this girl?

You wouldn't want me to lose my crown now, would you, Judge Danny?

Tell the truth, Fielding.

Yeah, Dan, tell the truth.

Maybe you can undo some of the harm you've done to this prestigious

Hey, you're a fiery one.

You interested in the pageant game?

What do I look like? A definite contender for Miss Heliport.

Really?

Dan, I think they want an answer.

Fine, I'll tell the truth.

Miss Mass Transit did not win because I received any special favors.

Oh, come on, Dan. You have the gall to say you didn't sleep with her.

Oh, no, I slept with her. Aha! See there?

But I also slept with Miss Crosstown Bus, Miss Turnstile, and Miss Elevated

Platform.

I mean, when it came to the Miss Mass Transit pageant, I got off at every

All the contestants?

Dan, aren't you ashamed of yourself?

What? should he be?

If he tarnished them all, then it was obviously a fair contest.

Miss Mass Transit hits the ground!

Thank you.