Original subtitles

Christine, who is on your Christmas list this year? All of Lower Manhattan?

Is it for little Charlie?

I know I might have gone a little overboard, but this is the first

he'll be opening his own presents.

He'll be opening them until his voice changes.

Well, that's it. Our Christmas itinerary is complete.

At 7 a .m., Wanda and I fly to Boston Harbor for coffee on Mama's oil tanker.

And we shoot down to Myrtle Beach where Wanda's parents are throwing a holiday

luau brunch.

Then we chop her to DC to her cousin's for a slice of homemade mint meat pie.

You're gonna do all that in one day?

I haven't even gotten to noon yet.

Sir Ross, what songs has the Bailiff's Chorale worked up for the Christmas

tonight? Everything.

From Old Tannenbaum to Santa's Got a Brand New Bag.

Hook her up for safety.

Cover up for safety. Hey.

Well, aren't we in the holiday spirit?

Why shouldn't we be? It is the most wonderful time of the year. Eggnog on

table. Lonely women showering me with gifts.

Lonely women showering me.

And on that lovely note, Dan, why don't we draw names for our secret kind of

gift exchange?

Capital idea. Now, remember, in the true spirit of giving, Mum is the word on

the name you choose, okay?

Boy, just like last year. I got you again, Dan!

Gee, I pulled Dan's name, too.

So did I.

Dan, it looks like we all drew your name.

Wow, a Christmas miracle.

$55 in time, sir.

Next case is on its way, sir.

Okay, at ease, folks.

Lissette? Yeah?

Merry Christmas.

Thank you, Ise. Oh, hey, don't worry, Ron. I'm still working on yours.

You know, papier -mâché really isn't my medium.

Hi.

Hi.

Christine, I'd like to introduce you to Miss... Hendley.

Hendley. She's a tax attorney from, uh... Milwaukee.

Milwaukee. You met at Judge Altman's Hanukkah horseshoe toss.

And as I recall, the conversation then went pretty much the way it's going now.

Yeah. But this one's going better.

So what are you doing still in town?

My audit was held over till the 26th, and the drive to Milwaukee just isn't

worth it.

Why don't you fly?

Flying gives me shingles.

So then you're going to be away from home for the holidays?

Yes. Oh, well, we're having a Christmas party here tonight.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Oh, no, no, no, not now, not now, later.

Would you like to come?

Christine.

I'm sure that Miss Henley has many more exciting things to do tonight than to

come to our smelly, old, boring office party.

I'd love to.

When does it start?

Right after session.

Thanks.

Bye.

Well, congratulations.

You just invited the biggest wet blanket in New York to our party. Harry, you're

being so selfish.

I mean, if I was alone in a strange town, I'd want somebody to show me a

time. I'll meet you in Poughkeepsie in two hours.

The next case is up, sir. People versus Belashi.

Assault on a Santa clone.

A Santa clone?

Yeah, it's a really repulsive concept, Your Honor. Youngman's department store

has set up a robot dressed up like Santa.

The child pours his sweet little heart into a computer chip embedded inside a

styrofoam beard.

The store fills his order and bills his parents.

Well, how did this get Mr.

Belashi's chestnuts roasting?

He's the real Santa they fired to make way for the machine.

I was their Santa for 25 years, sir.

Gee, and they fired you on Christmas Eve?

What did you do to the Santa clone?

I hit it in the head with a golf club.

How much damage?

Oh, chipped the beard, flattened the pipe, and drove the nose into the shoe

department.

I have a natural slice.

Your Honor, the store claims there was only about $120 worth of damage.

Well, then what do you say we ask Mr. Belachi to pay restitution for the

and we'll call it time, sir? In a pig's eye, I demand this man be held over for

trial. We can't let this public menace roam free on this.

The holiest of nights.

Stan. Sir.

Are you sure this is what you want to do?

Absolutely.

This man represents everything evil about Christmas. He is marring the

commercialism, consumerism, and every other ism that makes this season great.

I'm sorry, Mr. Belachi, but if that's the way the people feel, then I'm afraid

I'm going to have to hold you over for trial.

Bull, take him to Holden.

Gee, I just don't feel right about taking Tanner to jail.

Well, at least he'll be in good company.

We already locked up two Christmas elves and a flasher in a pear tree.

Derek the Hall with bowels of holly. Fa la la la la, la la la la.

Tis the season to be jolly. Fa la la la la.

fun with it.

Hold the set, what do you think?

You look great, Santa Mac.

Good. Well, I think this thing's got fleas.

Great news, Christine.

More presents for little Charlie.

More? That can't be.

I've got all his gifts.

Where are these from?

Bloomingdale's.

It's a Billy Bronco truck.

No, I've already received his Billy Bronco truck.

Something is very wrong here.

I'll say. This one needs a front -end alignment.

Oh, Danny.

I've got your gift.

Oh, thank you, Bambi, my little D -cup of holiday cheer.

You'll be getting yours tomorrow under the tree at 7 .45.

Then again at 8 .12.

Must be really cold in Milwaukee this time of year.

Cold.

Snow? Lots.

Eggnog? No.

Mostly just snow.

No, I meant, did you want some eggnog?

Oh, okay.

Tasty, huh?

Oh, God.

Is it getting hot in here?

Or is it just me?

and widows far and wide.

Your Christmas luck is gonna change cause daddy's by your side.

We're kissing.

Hi, is somebody there?

Bambi, is that you?

I told you you couldn't undress your present till tomorrow.

But if you insist.

aren't you? The Santa clone killer.

How did you get out of holding?

Where did you get that gun?

The guard had a little too much Christmas cheer and he stumbled into my

sleep it off.

So are you holding me hostage?

Well, yeah, I guess so.

It's my job.

At least you have a job.

Hey, look, look. Bellacci, teeing off on a robot is one thing, but holding a

prominent prosecutor hostage with a gun, you're facing serious jail time here.

Oh, boy, this isn't what I wanted.

This morning I was Father Christmas, and now I'm an escaped convict with a gun

in my hand.

Yeah, well, it's better than being a DA with a gun at his head.

Hey, come on.

It's Christmas.

How about a little goodwill?

Goodwill is dead.

Christmas has changed, Mr. Fielding. It's nothing more than greed and profit

margins. And now there's not even room for a human Santa Claus.

Is that the kind of world you want to live in?

With every fiber of my being.

Hey, Dad, have you seen my train schedule?

Hey, Bull, look.

It's Santa from holding.

He's here with us.

Don't you want to give him some milk or cookies or a chokehold?

No, I got to find out if there's a midnight train to Pittsburgh.

Where's that schedule?

Maybe it's there under Santa's gun.

What if they were his?

Look at this. A curling iron, hedge clippers, a set of wine goblets.

Lucky kid, I didn't get wine goblets till I was eight.

A bonsai tree. I didn't order any of these things.

Then there must really be a Santa Claus.

And then, after I let the mailman out the back door, the gas man came to check

my meter.

me this this isn't confession i just wanted you to know that naughty and nice

can be the same thing just tell me what you want for christmas

get off my life

this is the worst night

of my life

You're gonna sit on my lap, aren't you?

She's just an acquaintance from Milwaukee.

A very distant acquaintance.

What's gotten into you?

A tax attorney gets lonely, Harry.

Oh, so damn lonely.

She's from Milwaukee.

not believe that I am standing in this courtroom on Christmas Eve with a

Did I say madman? No, no, no, no.

I meant nice man. I meant good man.

I don't know, Mr. Fielding. Maybe I am a madman because I don't understand the

world anymore. I mean, where's the compassion?

Where's the caring?

Everything's about taking and it's supposed to be about giving.

Fine. Do you want to give?

Give me the gun.

I don't think so.

Look, we face facts, Belachi. Things change.

You think Christmas is different? Hell, man, the world is different.

That doesn't mean it's any worse, just different. Can't you accept that?

No, I can't.

I had a feeling.

But you know something?

You win.

You're free to go.

Really?

Here.

Where are you going?

I thought I'd take a stroll up to the roof.

The roof?

Oh, you know, that's a long way up.

An even longer way down.

Oh, whoa, wait. I thought we had just solved this.

We solved your problem, not mine.

You're right, Mr. Fielding. The world has changed.

And since there's not much chance it'll come back around my way, maybe I just

ought to take my leave of it.

Over a silly holiday?

It's not silly to me.

Wait, wait, wait, listen now.

You're not doing this just because of what I said, huh?

I'm a prosecutor. It's my job to persuade people.

I mean, I only said all that stuff to put the gun down.

You persuaded me, all right.

Hey, you know, yeah, and I can do it again.

Come on, pal. I mean, you want Christmas with peace, goodwill, all that

sentimental slop? Come here. I will show you a room full of people, so sugary

sweet with Christmas, it will rot your teeth. Come on.

Jingle bells, jingle bells, jingle all the way.

Oh, what fun it is to ride in a one -horse open sleigh. Does this place not

with Christmas cheer?

Hey, hey, I hope you're my replacement because I'm out of here.

This suit itches. I found a dead moth in my beard, and some overgrown teenager

almost ruptured my spleen.

Oh, Santa!

Um,

forget him. Hey, you know how these rookie Santas crack under pressure, huh?

here. Here is a lovely holiday scene.

A happy group of carolers being led by their sweet bird of song.

Stop the music!

I have headed with this group.

I've heard better harmony from an alley cat under a truck.

These divas are so temperamental, huh?

Oh, look there.

Our lovely working mother.

No doubt, phoning home to make sure her little baby boy is enjoying Christmas

Eve. Well, you're damn right I'm mad. You screwed up my entire gift order.

I don't care.

I don't care if it's Christmas Eve.

You're going to make this right, right now, or I'm going to reach to this phone

and I'm going to rip your lungs out.

Hello? Hello?

What are you looking at?

Oh, Harry. Oh, you're going to love this guy. He gave up his Christmas Eve for a

lonely stranger.

Come on.

I'm a cheap date.

I'm getting cheaper all the time.

But, Bull, Bull is Christmas.

Bull, tell our friend about your holiday plan.

I'm planning to kill my wife.

She's got us making 23 stops in 24 hours.

Why do families always screw up Christmas?

What is wrong with you people?

When I left here a little while ago, The Christmas cheer was so thick in here,

you could choke a reindeer.

Now look at you.

What are you talking about, Dan?

I'm talking about the Norman Rockwell world you guys live in.

I mean, you're supposed to be up and sweet and nauseatingly cheerful.

The one time I need you like that, you're not.

Instead, you let a couple of sour notes, some mixed -up presents, a few changes

in your travel plans throw all your glad tidings just totally out of whack.

it to you, Dan?

Everything. How the hell am I supposed to save this guy's life and let... Oh,

man. Belotti!

Hey, whoa, whoa, Belotti, wait a minute. Come on, hey.

Forget about those grinches.

Come on, the bail bondsmen are staging the nutcracker on the third floor.

I gotta go, Mr.

Fielding. No, come on. Hey, don't do that.

No, no, I'm going back to holding.

And don't worry.

I'm not going to do anything stupid.

I found out Christmas might not be in as dismal shape as I thought.

After what happened in the cafeteria?

Why?

Well, let me ask you.

When we were back in the courtroom and I told you you were free to go,

why'd you stick around and argue with me?

I don't know.

I do.

It's you.

You've got the spirit, Mr. Fielding.

Merry Christmas.

Mr. Bellacci, um...

Charges

dropped. Go home.

Happy New Year.

I think I'll call Mama and Daddy Bob and wish them a Merry Christmas.

Maybe later.