Original subtitles

Then at 8 .04, after Bull and Wanda exchange vows, the ring bearer

the altar from the left wing of the cathedral.

The ring ceremony is followed by a kiss to run no longer than 11 seconds and a

four -second spontaneous sigh from the congregation, which leads to... Me

gagging for seven seconds.

No, that's not scheduled till 8 .43.

I don't believe you people. Our dear, dear friend is getting married tomorrow.

Nobody seems to be excited.

We're very excited, Christine.

We just think you're getting a little carried away with this wedding planning.

My time is my gift to Bull and Wanda. I just want their wedding to be everything

that mine wasn't.

It's everything the Bicentennial wasn't.

Hey, ho, wah.

Who are these vixens?

Oh, those are the Del Rubio triplets.

Triplets.

Yeah, they're childhood friends of Bull's. They're coming in for the

They're sitting at table 631.

Triplets.

I've had twins.

And quins.

I've never triplets.

I'll see you at the wedding.

Well,

it's almost official.

We just picked up the marriage license.

thing out of my face oh come on mother hank this is for ball and wonder the

shannon wedding from blood test to bouquet toss oh mama did i pick the best

in the world that you did baby although i still wish you to let me hold the

wedding on my oil tanker now mother hank we've been over that several times

today alone i get nauseous and pass out whenever i'm on a boat Well, okay, maybe

you didn't buy it on the shipboard wedding.

But I've got something else I know you're gonna love.

Let's hope it doesn't have scurvy.

Darling, this is the wedding dress that was handed down to me through five

generations of Shannon women.

And I know you'll be proud to keep up this family tradition.

Well, we have to talk about your mother's dress.

Quite a piece of history, huh?

It still has the stains from great -grandmama Shannon's slaughterhouse

of ought four.

I can't wear it.

Doesn't fit?

Doesn't fit in the 20th century.

Besides, I have my own.

Couldn't you wear it under your dress?

I tried, but when I slipped my dress over it, something started eating

my sleeve.

Hey, everybody.

You just flew into town.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

I can't believe it, Adele Rubios.

You came all the way from Jersey.

Wow, a reunion.

Cheap sentiment, but good cinema.

Honey, I want you to meet my old babysitters, Millie, Elena, and Edie.

Every time I went to see, these gals would watch over my boy.

Used to sing him lullabies every night.

Yep. I'd be sound asleep after three bars of Boney Maroney.

And guess what?

The girls have agreed to sing at the wedding.

Well, that's great!

Isn't it, Wanda?

Yeah, great.

Come on, dear.

Don't you want to make your future mother -in -law happy?

Well, most people would be delighted with all I've given this week.

Well, I ain't most people.

Why, you don't have to tell me that.

I hit the pause button. Could you repeat those last few insults?

I'll work around it.

Maybe we should continue this discussion outside.

Excuse us.

Can you tell us where we can find Daniel Fielding?

The fellow who sent us flowers at our hotel room, along with a very personal

video tape.

We've never met a man so at home on a trapeze.

I'll see if I can find you.

Hey, Matt. I heard the Del Rubios are in the building.

I'm ready for my triple dip.

Dip away, Dan.

Rubios.

I saw a picture of you.

You were a wee bit younger.

That's impossible.

We've always been this young.

Say, hot stuff, what time do you get off?

I don't think I'll ever get off again.

You want to hear my best man wedding toast?

No.

Just kidding.

To Bull and Wanda, all the best.

Well, I didn't want to get bogged down in tired cliches.

Oh, that was great, especially that twist at the end.

All the best.

You guys want to hear my best man's toast?

Sorry, Art. Bull has already asked me to be the best man.

Hey, I am his mentor.

Mentor schmentor. I won the honor in a card game. I laid down a full house and

Bull made me the best man.

That's ridiculous. Hey, what do you call him, Buller Welsher?

Some mentor you are.

Unbelievable. The guy gets a full house and he figures that entitles him to be

the best man?

Yeah. Took me four of a kind just to be invited.

Bull, you know it's not that I strongly dislike your mother, but this is our

wedding, not hers.

Do you mind?

Everybody wants to be a director.

Bull, this is the most important day of our lives, and she keeps getting in the

way. You... Have to put your foot down.

Hello, sonny boy.

Light of my life.

Apple of my eye.

Hello, you.

Why don't I leave the two of you alone?

Mama, I was just talking to Wanda. Son, I don't mean to be briny, but this is

the day that mothers and sons dream about all their lives.

And she keeps spitting on all our traditions.

Bull, it's time you put your foot down.

Fess up, Bull.

Why aren't we bailiffs invited to your wedding?

You were all on my list.

Probably Wanda's doing.

She won't let my crewmen bring dates.

And they paid a lot of money for those girls.

Come on.

And frankly, I'm a bit tired of being treated like a piece of meat.

Don't you understand when a man says no, he means no.

No. No.

No.

Sounds like a yes to me. Come on.

Oh, no, the choir's too big for the balcony.

Well, maybe I can put the baritones on the roof.

Christine, Christine, where are you going to put me?

Oh, I'm so sorry, Mac. I've hired a professional camera crew to shoot the

wedding.

Yeah, see, there's the art director, the camera operator, and the donut lady.

You've got to be kidding.

Look, Mike, I don't mean to sound dictatorial, but everything has got to

way or no way at all. Got it, mister?

Christine?

Quarterly was right. I should have got you a toaster.

Christine?

I need to talk to you about the wedding.

Bill, do I look like I have time to talk to you about the wedding? I'm having

trouble with my traffic flow. I've got hot camera lights just inches away from

my eye sculpture.

In an hour, those kissing panda bears are going to look like Siamese twins

joined at the face.

Thanks for listening.

Yeah, anytime.

Hmm.

What if ice can be laminated?

refusing to wear the lovely peach dress I picked out for the bridesmaids, and I

will not have a peacoat in my wedding party.

Well, I guess you know why we're here.

You won't wear your peach dresses?

Well, you asked the both of us to be the best man.

So which one's it gonna be, Bo?

Your mentor or a guy in a utility belt?

Didn't you have a duel or something?

I hold here a petition signed by 62 .3 % of the bailiffs.

If you don't invite us to your wedding, we'll revoke your ping -pong rights.

Hey, Bull.

Bull. I think you ought to know since Christine replaced me with a

video crew, I have lost my muse.

No way I'm wearing that dress, Missy. No Shannon has ever worn pastel.

Well, I think you should take that up with Wanda because she chose the

Oh, she did, did she?

She can tell me what to wear, but I have no say in her outfit.

What do you think of that, Sonny?

I'm finding it hard to think at all right now.

Oh, by the way, Bill, I need you to make out a check for the symphony orchestra.

Symphony?

Bill, will you please tell your mother I will not walk down the aisle in a dress

that's trimmed in mothballs?

And I'm not giving my son away dressed as a peach.

I'm not enjoying the happiest day of my life.

How's the view?

Not bad.

But ooh, the smell.

Yeah, wind's blowing in from Jersey.

Ross, why are weddings such a royal pain in the keister?

Maybe because the whole idea is to prepare you for marriage.

This is supposed to be... the happiest day of my life and i can't seem to

anyone least of all my mom and wanda bull this is your wedding too

but so far you've been acting more like a punching bag than a groom time to let

people know what you want maybe you're right but what about my mom and wanda

think they'll ever get along of course they will they're just not used to

sharing you

Can't say I blame him.

If I was in love with you, I wouldn't want to share you either.

Wow, how sweet. I can't believe you said that.

Neither can I.

Must be the smell.

Has anyone seen Bull? He's canceled the caterer and my entire video crew.

Gee, what a shame.

Does anybody know why my son told the chaplain to take a hike?

Him, too?

Has anyone seen Fool?

I'm looking for him, too. Without consulting me, he canceled the chaplain,

ice culture, and the Peter Gennaro dancers.

My God, he's canceling the whole wedding, piece by piece.

It's all my fault.

Why was I so selfish?

No, honey, it's my fault.

If I hadn't been so stubborn about that raggedy old dread.

No, I'm to blame.

I've been behaving like a tyrant. No, it's me.

This best man thing just put him over the edge.

Special delivery.

The honor of your presence is requested on the roof now.

Yours truly, Paul.

You're not going to jump, are you?

What, and climb those stairs all over again?

Look, over the last few days, you've all been doing a lot of things for me. And

I know it's because you love me, but sometimes I wish you loved me a little

less.

Bull, I'm so sorry.

I just wanted to make this day really special for us.

It is a special day, Wanda.

You're going to become part of my family.

But my mother started that family, and you've got to give her room to be

yourself.

And Mama, Wanda's a part of my life now. I want you to treat her like you treat

me. I will, son.

In fact, I'll even tattoo her name next to yours.

Great. Now we can get married.

married here?

But what about the guests? What about the wedding party? What about those

pretty packets of rice that I... Oh, I'm doing it again, aren't I?

Christine, we have everything we need right here, starting with you.

Now, would you do me the honor of being flower girl?

I'd love to.

And I promise to drop the petals in a perfectly random pattern.

And, Mac, I think wedding photography should only be done by close friends.

That is, if you can still find your muse.

It's found.

And, Ross, will you stand next to me at the ceremony?

Isn't that where the best man's supposed to stand?

No, that's where the best person stands.

And after all, you are my best friend.

You know, if you make me cry, I'm going to have to kill you.

Gee, Roz, I guess I'm not going to be needing my best man toast.

You want to read it?

It's pithy.

Read mine.

It's pithier.

Actually, Harry, I got something else for you to read.

Who better than my favorite judge to perform the ceremony?

Carburetor repairs made easy.

I thought I picked up a prayer book.

Don't worry, big guy.

I can improvise with the best of them.

An art?

Would you be willing to give Wanda away?

Sure, I will, Bo.

But don't you ever give her away.

She's a very special lady.

Okay, I guess that about covers it.

Um, not quite. I still need a maid of honor.

Mother Hank?

I'd be delighted, dear.

And may I say, you look mighty pretty in that dress.

Sorry it took me so long. The fabric kept breaking my needles.

Thanks, Lisette.

I hope I didn't ruin it,

Mama.

I never thought I'd see the day that my son would wear my wedding dress.

Sanctuary. Sanctuary.

Dad, what's wrong?

Trying to ditch the three -headed libido.

Hello. Hello.

Hello. Hello.

Ladies, I thought your game of hide -and -seek would lead you up here.

Would you sing at my wedding?

Boy, we never could say no to you.

Or to any man, for that matter.

Friends?

Each and every one of us has some special qualities that make us different

everybody else.

I suppose when we're all alone, we end up thinking that those qualities might

make us unattractive.

But you only have to look at Bull and Wanda to see that that's not true.

There are two people that were brought together because of their uniqueness.

in spite of it.

Two people who may see the world differently from most,

but it's just fine for each other.

Two people whose uniqueness has made their love for each other

that much more special.

And now it is my great pleasure to bring these two very special people together.

Bull, Wanda, you have any vows you want to share?

Wanda, I promise to love you with all my heart, to share with you the secrets of

my soul, and never to hog the sheets, even when my toes are frosty.

Ditto.

Wanda, do you take Bull as your husband to love and to honor and

to cherish as long as you both shall live?

I do.

And Bull, do you take Wanda as your wife to love and honor and cherish

as long as you both shall live?

Okay.

Be there anyone here who knows any reason why these two should not be wed,

him speak now.

Or forever answer to me.

Then by the power vested in me by the state of New York, I pronounce you

and wife.

You may kiss the groom.

Okay.

Had no idea you sang.

Come on.

Thank you for the talk.