Original subtitles

What's going on?

If we get the country of origin of tonight's special, we get our money

Subtle. Interesting character.

Charming balance.

Lithuanian liver soup, perchance?

Good evening, one and all. Wasn't it a glorious day today?

You're awfully chipper. Well...

You would be, too, if a children's book that you wrote had a good chance of

being published.

Really? And I thought you were just having a good hair day.

When did you write a children's book?

A couple of months ago.

I thought it'd be a great way to show little Charlie what I do when I'm not

home. I call it Mommy's World.

So how does Charlie like reading about Mommy defending little Miss Hooker?

It's not just about my job, Roz. It's about everything I do during the day.

There's chapters about Mommy going shopping or Mommy getting her hair done.

Mommy taking showers and lathering herself.

I figured that Mommy's World could be a whole series of books written by yours

truly, Mother Sullivan.

Mongolian yak bladder!

No, too salty.

Got the new sketches for you, Mother Sullivan. Oh, terrific.

You guys know Tommy Gamble, the court artist? He's doing the illustrations for

my book. When I meet with the publishers, I want it to look as

possible.

Oh, Tommy, they're still not right.

A mommy character has to be a woman of the 90s. I can't be seen wearing fur

collars and eating Captain Ding Dong.

Check out the sensuous lines of mommy's well -tanned calf muscles.

Mump fish, melt balls, and muscles can only be one thing.

Baltic sea pie?

That is correct, sir.

Great! And this time it only took me 15 bowls.

Oh, Matt, could you believe Tommy's sketches? He captured every nuance of

Christine's body.

Oh, I love those nuances.

All I saw were sketches for a children's book.

Obviously, my friend, marriage has shrouded your artistic imagination.

Our imagination's fine.

Yours should be on a leash.

Oh, please.

May I shake the hand of the genius, the man who with pen and ink as his only

tools breathed life into Mother Sullivan.

What's your game, Fielding?

A game, Tommy. I was just wondering if I could interest you in doing a portrait

of our lovely Ms.

Sullivan. I suppose it wouldn't hurt if she just happened to be buck naked on a

bearskin rug.

No. I envisioned Christine, the noble public defender, approaching the bench

in spiked heels and a cellophane halter.

Spiked heels are very tricky to draw, and cellophane could take hours

to perfect that sheen.

And this is going to cost me two weeks' salary.

Fine.

Consider me your humble patron.

You blood -sucking little worm.

So did you eat it?

I was impressed.

Thank you, Roz.

Did you like the quirky little way I made everyday chores seem like so much

Actually, I like the quirky little way you can make $10 ,000 by writing 83

words.

All right, call it, Matt. Yes, sir. People versus Clark, Gherkin, Plimp.

Fleckman and Fleckman.

Grand theft.

What'd they steal besides those ugly names?

Your Honor, the accused are all members of the layman's law class at Ed Koch

Community College.

According to their instructor, Professor Jarvis Crowley, they've stolen his very

grip on reality.

Oh, that's not another didactic philosophical argument.

The defendants have made my life.

A living hell.

Your Honor, Professor Crowley. They have plotted to break my spirit and ruin my

passion for teaching.

I demand they all be held accountable.

I really think that I should do the talking.

Professor, I don't understand why you're so missed at us. You know we worship

you. Sure.

Like a school of piranha worships a hippopotamus?

He always had a gift for imagery, Your Excellency.

It's your honor, Sylvia. Your Excellency is for church types.

Professor, they seem like nice people.

Nice people?

Look, they're monsters.

They are all monsters.

And I demand that you lock them up and save the world.

really think I ought to do the talking.

How does a little R &R at the Bellevue Teacher's Lounge sound, huh?

Gotcha.

Bellevue. What a nice institution.

I'll bet I can get tenure there, couldn't I?

They'll probably give you a varsity straight jacket.

Bare, as if she's saying, come hither, Dan.

Come hither.

Come hither's my specialty.

Will you have proven that, my friend?

Now, for your coup de grace.

Here is your inspiration.

I want you to do me a picture book.

Title it, The Adventures of Mother Sullivan and Mr.

Dan.

I thought we'd already hit the low end of the decency scale.

You're working with a pro now.

I know.

Slinkys are a classic artistic challenge.

I'll sell my watch.

I'll get the work.

Excuse me, Judge Stone, Helen Lipps, Ed Koch Community College. We spoke on the

phone. Right, Dean Lipps. Nice to meet you. Yeah.

Well, obviously you're a busy man, so if you'll just sign these, I'll be on my

way. What are those?

These are Professor Crowley's release papers from Bellevue. He has a class

tomorrow night.

Dean, from what I hear, Professor Crowley is talking to cockroaches about

a road show.

Hmm, I wonder if he'd be interested in teaching a theater course.

Are you in the habit of employing unstable teachers?

I'm in the habit of employing anyone qualified.

Look, Koch Community is not exactly an Ivy League campus.

We're a 16th floor walk -up, and our school mascot is a pigeon that got

in an air conditioning vent.

That's pathetic.

Well, what can I tell you? Education in the 90s, huh?

Well, still, there must be any number of people who'd be willing to teach a law

class. You will?

Dean, you understand I'd like to help, but I've never taught anything.

Oh, don't sell yourself short. Look at you, huh?

You're young, you're smart, you're sane.

You make a difference.

Really fire up these kids.

What do you say, Professor Stone?

Professor Stone?

I like the sound of that.

I'll send over a class schedule and get to work right away on your engraved

pointer. Oh, no, Dean, really, I... I get my own pointer?

I'll see you tomorrow at 6 .30.

Oh, and by the way, if you have any extra chalk lying around, we'd really

appreciate it.

Hi, everybody.

Oh, no, it's a judge.

We're going back to jail.

Wrong, Mr. Plip.

Judge Stone will be your new teacher.

And he also might replace Mr. Parker as football coach.

They still say Parker was a suicide.

Well, I'm late for a meeting.

They're all yours, Professor Stone.

Welcome to the class, Judge.

Thank you.

Miss Clark?

P .J.

P .J.? Well, it's been a long time since I've been in a classroom.

Oh, I'm sure you'll do just fine, your judgeship.

Mop, I'm crying out loud, Sylvia. The man's only here a minute and already

you're hiking up your skirt.

Morty and Sylvia Fleckman, how are you?

Fine. Sir!

Sir! Yes, sir.

Walter.

Should we be taking notes on lined or unlined paper?

It's up to you.

Well, let's find out a little something about ourselves, huh?

I'll start.

Sir! Sir!

Yes, Walter.

Would a number two pencil be appropriate?

Or do you see this as a lighter lead?

A two and a half?

If you like, I could shove those pencils up his fat nose.

I'm sure that won't be necessary, Travis.

Anyway, about myself, I've been a municipal court judge for about nine

like to think of myself as both stern and fair. I can be lighthearted or

serious. Is anyone else cold?

Well, I'm not, Sylvia, but I... There she goes again with the cold.

Wherever we are, it's always cold.

110 in the shade, dogs are dropping in the streets, and she's always with it.

Hey, Morty, could you turn down the air conditioner? I'm cold.

I can't help it if I have poor circulation.

Along with a trap that never shuts.

Boy, oh boy, I tell you, I cannot wait for that divorce.

You two are getting divorced?

Shocking, isn't it?

That's why we're in this class here, Judge Sipp, so we can learn how to file

our own.

You can't be serious.

Oh, you bet we are. And when I dump Sylvia, it's off to Boca Raton in the

tub seat for this morning.

Well, uh, thanks for sharing that tidbit.

Now we know why you're here.

P .J., uh, what do you hope to get out of this class?

A real understanding of the law.

Well, that's great.

Oh, heck, who am I kidding?

I'm here to marry a lawyer.

Walter?

Walter!

Is there a problem?

Boy, you're not going to believe this, Judge, but I got the old bum desk.

Don't worry, I'll have her fixed in a jiffy.

You don't want me to shove those pencils up his nose?

No.

Not yet.

Travis, maybe you can tell us something about your aspirations.

I want to hurt people.

What? Yeah, every day people are in my face, so I want to learn to use the law

to get even without getting busted.

We'll be dealing with civil law a little later in the course. How soon?

My landlady's really taking me off.

As long as we're on the subject of class content, does anyone else have any

favorite topics?

Yes, PJ.

Do you have a girlfriend?

That's a little forward.

In my day, a woman would never ask a man that.

In your day, dinosaurs roamed the earth.

we can learn something about you.

Oh, all right.

Well, I... I work in the subway, and it's always been my

ambition to rise above my station.

And become a lawyer.

I would be honored to graduate Magnum P .I.

Walter's the class moron.

You should talk.

The only reason you passed is because you cheat.

Any man married to you would.

I wonder if lawyers cheat on their wives. Everybody cheats. Everybody

live in hell!

Together we can discover the law and we can marvel at its genius.

I'm begging you, seize this moment.

Let me be your guide to the beauty, the joy that is the

law.

Are you with me?

Yes. Are you ready to learn?

All right then, all right. Let's begin by taking the mystery out of Prima.

Fascia? Law?

Yes, a question for Mrs. Fleckman. I'm cold.

Did someone change the thermostat?

Oh, Tommy.

You got my sketches?

Hang on to your pants, pal. You're about to take a walk down Perverto Boulevard.

I couldn't sleep all night thinking about Mother Sullivan, Mr.

Dan. That's slinky.

What is this?

Mother Sullivan pushing a grocery cart, reading a newspaper.

Damn it, man, where's my filth?

Forgive me, I'm just a little bit nervous.

It's a big moment for me.

Yes, I'm sure it is.

And I'd really like to thank you for coming down here.

I'm sure you would.

Shall we begin?

Yeah, um, I'll read to you from Mommy's World, and you can follow along with the

artwork.

Whatever.

Mommy's World by Mother Sullivan.

Oh, look at Mommy as she gets out of bed in the morning.

Oh, she is so tired because she worked so hard last night.

Oh.

See Mommy as she combs her hair.

Mommy likes to dress up nice for her friends.

I should say.

I see Mommy in the courthouse. The nice judge is smiling because he's Mommy's

special friend.

Oh, lucky man.

Sometimes people are bad and they have to be disciplined at Mommy's work.

Does Mommy love her work?

Yes, Mommy loves her work.

And I love you, Mommy Sullivan.

Mother Sullivan and Mr. Dan?

Oh, you lizards!

Oh, please don't go, Mommy.

It's been years since I've had a proper caning.

If a guy comes running out of a liquor store and he's got a gun and he's got a

bag of money and there's an alarm blaring, that should be prima facie.

Prima facie evidence for an arrest unless it is rebutted by a witness.

Yes, P .J.? Do judges make more money than lawyers?

Why don't you ask your next professor?

Where are you going, sir?

To Walden Pond.

To drown myself.

It's obvious you people don't want to learn about the law because you just

care.

Here's a guy who cared.

But you don't want to hear about that.

Wait, sir.

Who cared?

on that coin is King Hammurabi.

He was the ruler of ancient Babylonia and one of the first rulers in the world

who created a code of law.

You see, Hammurabi knew that without law, there would be only anarchy.

Well, I carry that coin with me to remind me of why I became a judge.

But from what I've seen tonight, you folks don't give a damn.

I do.

Is that coin worth any money?

Well, I tried.

I'm out of here.

Who's got my coin?

I'm clean.

Somebody's got it. Come on.

Wait a minute.

Wait a minute.

Hold on.

Look what I found.

Did you try to make off with the judge's coin?

No. I never stole anything in my life.

But it was in your purse.

I say try us.

That's my wife you're talking about.

So would you be willing to be a character witness?

Well, I'll tell you, Sylvia Fleckman may be a lot of thieves, but one thing she

is not is a thief.

All right, we've got testimony. Do we have any other evidence in Sylvia's

defense? This is crazy.

There's no proof I took that coin.

But it was found in your purse.

And with prima facie evidence, that can be a presumption of guilt unless

rebutted.

Wow.

Walter's not stupid.

He's not.

And Sylvia's not a thief.

Hey, Judge.

What's this presumption of guilt stuff?

We'll save that for next week.

Hey, Dan, you okay?

I'm fine.

Just keeping an eye out for Christine.

She's still a little myth about those sketches.

Haven't you heard?

She hired Tommy Gamble to do a nude flyer of you, and she's handing them out

every woman in the building.

A nude? Of me?

That's a surprising yet forgiving gesture, huh?

Dan, you're going like hotcakes.

Well, it's not every day you get to see Dan Fielding nude.

Unless you ask.

Well, you're not exactly nude.

You recall those spiked heels and cellophane halter you like so well?