Original subtitles

So, what do you think of my face?

It separates your ears nicely.

No, I just had a facial. Can't you tell?

You know, I did notice an unfamiliar glow.

But I figured yours finally got lucky.

So, dredging your pores, huh?

What's the occasion?

Well, I just wanted my skin to look as good as my new lipstick, suit, shoes,

stockings, and...

Unmentionables. Oh, go ahead, mention them.

Christine, what gives?

Peter Collingswood is in town to receive the New York Bar Association Award, and

he's coming by to see me. Isn't that exciting?

That's great.

Who the hell is Peter Collingswood?

Only the single most important influence in my life.

I thought that was Donna Reed.

Come on, you guys have heard me talk about him, Professor Collingswood.

Second year, history of American Torsten Law School.

He gave me an A on the crowning achievement of my law school career. My

evidentiary acceptance in the McPhail trial.

Burden of proof in the belly of the beast.

Aw, you remembered.

Yeah, I think you mentioned it four or five hundred times.

The first time I'll be meeting this revered man as an equal.

Thanks to his guidance, I'm now a respected, dignified member of the legal

community.

Oh, no, this lipstick clashes with my suit.

Is our Miss Sullivan getting a little carried away?

I don't think so. It was a rather pedestrian shade.

Well, here it is.

Just in time, the latest issue of Groom's Quarterly.

Yeah, you wouldn't want to fall behind in cummerbund trends.

say that again.

A groom's work is never done.

But this little gem is going to help me book the honeymoon, find gifts for my

ushers, and shop for my trousseau.

Please, I'm eating here.

Good for you, Bull.

You and Wanda are going to be partners in life, and researching the important

wedding details is a great way to start.

Oh, yeah.

Important wedding details.

Turn your boutonniere into a lovely potpourri.

Surprise your bride with a factory wedding cake.

Oh, the 90s wedding dance. Who should lead?

This represents the end of the masculine world as we know it. Yeah, I agree with

Dan. This magazine is a load of hooey.

Look, here's an ad for a machine that restores your virginity.

What?

Make your next time your first time.

With the immaculate contraption.

Who would fall for something like that?

Let me guess. The infamous A.

Yeah. I usually display it in my office, but I wanted Professor Collingswood to

see what an inspiration it's been to me.

He was my mentor.

He taught me to thirst for justice, to strive for excellence, to challenge my

intellect.

What do you think? Hair behind the ears or in front?

Next. People versus Chi -Chi LaRue. Charge. Usual.

Prosecution. Usual. Defense.

Usual. Usual it is. Fifty -five dollars in time. Third.

Wheels of justice are laying rubber tonight.

Christine Sullivan.

Oh, Professor Collingswood.

I didn't see you come in. How long have you been here? You didn't see the last

case, did you? From beginning to end. Oh, God, I didn't even cite any

precedents. Actually, Christine was using a time -honored legal gambit

the usual.

Usual deal.

But to me, a textbook example of the law at work.

Fast, smooth.

And a joy to watch. Christine, you look wonderful.

No, she should. She's spent enough.

And, uh, you are? Meaningless.

And you, Your Honor, Solomon himself couldn't have been more wise and fair.

Harry Stone.

I'm Peter Collins.

Yeah, we know.

You're the one who gave her the A for... Burden of proof in the belly of the

beast.

Christine's been blabbering about that paper for years.

Professor. Could I interest you in a cup of our fine cafeteria coffee? I'd be

delighted. Will you excuse us, please?

Oh.

I'll be in my office polishing my SAT scores.

Well, I just made the appointment to get my virginity back.

The inventor of the immaculate contraption is going to be here tomorrow

-flower me.

defraud you.

Well, you're not going to go through with this thing, are you? Why not?

Mr. Adam assures me it's painless, it only takes two and a half minutes, and

it's guaranteed to last till my next carnal rendezvous. And if it doesn't,

cheerfully refund my purchase price of $1 ,995.

You paid $2 ,000 to get your virginity back?

It's probably a lot less than it cost him to lose it.

Let me know when Mr. Adam gets here. I'll spring for ringside seats, okay?

Fool, Wanda loves you.

You don't have to change the past to make her happy. You've already done that

being exactly who you are.

I think Mac is right.

You just don't understand.

Wanda's love is the greatest gift that anyone's ever given to me.

I want to give her something special in return.

I want her to have me before anyone else.

Too late.

He's already been had.

You know, it's always tremendously rewarding to see a former student doing

Well, I have you to thank for that. When you gave me that A, the very first one

I'd ever gotten in law school, I knew right then and there I had what it takes

to be a lawyer. Well, I'm glad I could be of help.

And now, I need yours.

Sure.

You know, I always hate to attend these boring award dinners alone, and since my

wife can't be here to escort me, I was... hoping that you might be kind

to share this boring evening with me.

Professor, I'm flattered. I would love to join you.

Excellent.

So aren't you excited about my re -virginalization?

I don't know what this big deal is about being a virgin. I mean, my mother is

one, and it causes her nothing but grief.

Make yourself at home.

Can I offer you something to drink?

I'm afraid all I have is coffee, mineral water, and Kool -Aid. It's fruit and

toot and raspberry.

As tempting as that sounds, I'll just have coffee. I'll put it on.

Oh.

Is this your boy?

Yeah, that's Charlie.

He's with his father tonight.

Beautiful. Just like his mother.

Thank you.

Interesting music collection.

It's rare to see Mozart next to the little engine that could.

I do have a few choices in between. Please, be my guest.

You know, if you had told me years ago when I was seated in the front row of

your class that one day you and I would be chit -chatting like old legal eagles,

I'd have said you were crazy.

You know, tonight was the best time I've ever had at one of these things.

Well, it was my pleasure.

Wasn't that orchestra something?

I'm afraid I didn't notice I was too busy shaking hands and laughing at my

colleague's stale jokes.

So, I guess that means you owe me a dance.

Oh, okay.

Oh, I had no idea you were so light on your feet.

But then how often does a student get to dance with her professor?

Not often enough.

Some moves stay with you.

I think I smell coffee perking.

Christine, I'm very sorry.

I was swept up in the moment. Please forgive me.

I wouldn't impose anything on you that you didn't want.

Gee, it was just so unexpected.

It just took me by surprise.

I understand.

Good.

So, now this time you won't be surprised.

Professor Collins, what are you trying to...

Date me?

Guilty as charged.

Well, what are you thinking? You're married.

Well, is that a problem for you?

It's supposed to be a problem for you.

With all due respect, you come one step closer and I'll hang you.

You know what I mean.

Well, I might have expected this.

After all that cozy talk, the dancing, the flirting.

You're the same little tease you were in law school.

Tease? Why don't you just take your little plaque and shove off?

Oh, Christine, about that A on your beast of burden essay.

That's burden of proof.

Whatever.

I thought you'd like to know the truth.

The truth?

Mm -hmm.

You were graded solely on your appearance.

The memory of an extremely short skirt comes to mind.

The work itself was worth no more than a C.

People versus Johnston and Gianni. Mutual assault and creating a public

nuisance.

Mr. Prosecutor? Yes, sir. The Pillsbury Dodo boys here were arrested at the

Department of Motor Vehicles. Apparently, they both wanted the same

license plate.

D -R -M -B -O -A -T.

Hmm. Can I buy a boat?

It's D -R -M -B -O -A -T.

Dreamboat. More like tugboat.

I thought of it first.

Your Honor. according to criminal code number 1073B, which, quote, guarantees

any citizen the right to defend himself against any attack, said attack to be

defined as, one, physical, whether without the use of a weapon, or, two,

abuse, as defined under Section 3802, Part B. Now, Part B defines verbal abuse

as including, but not limited to, the calling of names... Ms. Sullivan, was

filet of law text on the cafeteria menu tonight?

I was just trying to be efficacious, Your Honor.

That means boring as hell. You're doing a good job.

Let's make it $55 in time served, and let's take lunch.

Dreamboat.

Dreamboat?

I deserve to be here. I deserve to be here. I deserve to be here. Christine,

you all right?

Am I any good?

Only one way to find out.

Do you have a nightgown and a trampoline?

Men, you'd think by the time a lawyer reaches the top of his profession and

receives a major bar association award, he'd be able to think of a woman as a

professional equal and not just a collection of body parts.

Not to jump to conclusions, but is this about Professor Collingwood?

What body parts are we talking about?

Maybe we should talk in my office.

Someday I'll be a judge.

And people will look up to me and come to me for advice.

Then I'll get to hear the dirty stuff.

Professor Collinswood came on to you?

What a lech!

He's just not the man I thought he was.

And I may not be the lawyer I thought I was.

Christine, you're a very good lawyer.

Collinswood said that my A paper, burden of proof... In the belly of the beast?

I only deserved a C.

Still a passing grade.

You are upset.

Why would he say that?

Well, he claims that he only gave me an A because he thought I was attractive.

Well, he's wrong.

No, no, I mean you are attractive, but some jerks use their power and position

as leverage. You can't let that destroy your self -confidence.

You are right where you should be, and you're doing a great job.

It's just so hard when the man you've passed... patterned your life after

out to be nothing but a fleas ball with a raging libido.

Unless, of course, you're Dan.

Christine, you don't need role models.

The life you've made speaks for itself, and no one can take that away from you.

What made you so smart?

Well, I've been eating a lot of fish lately.

Mr. Adam, I'm Bull Shannon, the virgin wannabe.

It's a pleasure to meet you, Mr. Shannon.

You're about to become a whole new man.

You mean whole new sucker.

Who are these people?

We're his friends, Mr. Virgin on a Visa card.

We're here to support him and to laugh at him plenty.

Skeptics. The chronic bane of a true visionary.

Let me assure you, the immaculate contraption is completely legitimate.

Yeah, so what does that pup tent do besides suck his bank account dry?

It's designed to make him pure again. To turn back the clock to a younger, more

innocent time.

Wow, am I gonna eat chalk and smear pudding on the wall?

No. But I can guarantee you you'll experience a total reawakening. The sun

shine brighter.

The flowers will smell sweeter and sex will be more rewarding.

Um, more rewarding.

How? It will be just like the first time.

Tentative, unfamiliar, mysterious, explosive.

In the back seat of my father's Bonneville with the window steamed up

radio playing heat wave.

Let's proceed with the re -virginalization.

This sacred crystal has been cleansed at the base of the Grand Canyon for six

months and guarded by a mystic from another dimension.

Yeah, the Bellevue dimension.

Take the crystal, Mr. Shannon, and hold it tightly in your left hand.

Your other left hand.

this mystic orb and hold it in your right hand. But be gentle with it.

Yeah, so when this doesn't work, you can chuck it at him.

And now it's time to step into the anointed chamber of earthly purgation.

Huh?

The tent.

Now the key here is to believe in yourself and the sacred value of your

I believe in my purity.

Big deal. He also believes in the great pumpkin.

Mr. Shannon, can you feel the orb?

Yes! Yes!

Is the sacred crystal calling to you?

Yes! I hear my name!

Are you feeling like the biggest wahoo in the world?

The virginalization is complete.

Take a moment to collect yourself and then come out and greet a brand new

You know, I thought that you were running a nice, legitimate con here.

But you really disappoint me. I mean, crystals, orbs,

the tents. You know, it's your kind that gives...

Carnot is the bad name, bud.

How do you feel?

Okay.

$55 in time, sir.

So then what happened?

The crystal called his name and he came out of the tent looking like a little

white bean sprout.

But that's physically impossible.

It had to be some kind of trick.

I checked the tent. All I found was the egg, the crystal, and a pair of teensy

-weensy little handcuffs.

We lost him?

Wish we'd lost this one.

People versus Collingswood.

Disorderly conduct.

Counselor? McSullivan?

Huh?

Would you approach the bench?

You okay?

I'm fine.

You know, I can't have this assigned to another court.

Oh, no, thank you. That won't be necessary.

I'm actually looking forward to this.

That's what I'm afraid of.

Oh, come on, Your Honor. I'm perfectly capable of putting my personal feelings

aside.

Okay, let's do it.

Cullingswood, a .k .a. the smutty professor, was arrested when he jumped a

line in front of his hotel. He then physically removed the person from the

and demanded to be taken to the airport. I was going to miss my plane.

Your Honor, may I have a moment to look over my file?

Sure. Go ahead.

Listen, Christine, about last night... Oh, don't worry, Professor.

I'm not going to let that little incident interfere with my performance

courtroom. I appreciate that.

Because then I'd have to take into account what a vile, disgusting,

you are, and I would not be able to defend you.

Christine. I know, I know. You feel terrible about the things you said last

night, especially in light of the fact that now you need my help. And since I

an attorney who merely breathes through law school on account of my good looks,

I hope you're not expecting too much of a defense.

I believe we're ready, Your Honor.

Your Honor, I'd like to enter my own plea. Which technically won't be

as this police report was never signed.

Rendering it null and void.

And since the people have no further evidence, I move that the case be

dismissed.

Game set and match. Case dismissed.

Let's call it a night, folks.

By the way, Counselor, well done.

Christine, that was a stroke of genius.

Well, I'd appreciate that compliment if, in fact, your opinion mattered to me,

which it doesn't.

I just want to thank you for getting the case dismissed.

I didn't do it for you.

I did it because it's my job, and I'm damn good at it. I spent way too much

believing that my success was due to you.

Well, you know what? It was due to me.

You remember that the next time you see a student in a short skirt.

Goodbye, Professor.

Christine, I have to admire your self -restraint.

After everything he did to you, you handled yourself like a complete

professional. Well, Terry, I don't believe in revenge.

Isn't that the professor's airline ticket?

It was.

No, and they even put out an all -points bulletin for a three -foot ball kid

with a baritone voice.

A lot of good that's gonna do. There must be hundreds of those.

Just the same, something tells me there won't be any more takers for the

immaculate contraption.

Who would go through all of that just to experience a new kind of sex?

Hey, babe, wanna play with my Lincoln log?