Original subtitles

Hello, sweetheart.

I missed you today.

Yeah, uh, well...

This

is helping.

Christine,

we have to talk.

Talk? Harry, we have to kiss. We have to kiss as if our lives depended on it.

No, no, no, Christine.

We really do have to talk.

Okay. Then let's talk about these.

Two tickets to the Chief Magistrate's Charity Mask Ball.

Yeah. See you at eight? No.

No? No, Christine, you know, I've done this to women before.

Done what?

Led them on.

Made them think there was a future for us.

But I can't do that to you.

I care about you too much.

You care about me so much that you're dumping me?

Oh, I know it hurts now.

But believe me, one day you're going to thank me.

Well, why wait?

Thank you, Harry Stone.

Jean, I thought that was going to be tough.

Christine?

Christine?

Christine! Oh, what a nightmare.

You haven't seen Judge Willard's Vicki, have you?

I beg your pardon?

You know, the one under his robe.

I beg your pardon?

You know that fake collar and tie so he can wear T -shirts on hot nights?

Oh. No, I haven't. Why?

This cliff from his chambers.

It's weird.

Stuff's been missing from all the courtrooms. Everything from pushpins to

Judge's robes.

It's like somebody's stolen a courtroom, bit by bit.

The only thing missing from our courtroom is Dan.

He's really getting bold.

Oh, don't worry about Dan. He just needs a little time to recover from the shock

of the devastating loss of the Phil Foundation at the hands of Phil's

unscrupulous brother, Will.

But once he does, he'll be hunky -dory. Bye.

So I... Obviously, Your Honor, this menace to society is guilty,

guilty, guilty, and should be removed from the streets.

Mr. Prosecutor, Father Fitzgerald is guilty of jaywalking that doesn't make

a menace to society.

$50 and time served.

Yet another win for the prosecution!

shooting fish in a barrel.

You know, Oscar, there's nothing worse in this world than a poor winner.

Oh, is that right? Miss look down your nose at the replacement DA.

Nothing worse. Did you ever have Chinese food in Bismarck, North Dakota?

I have.

Oscar's giving me the creep.

He gives me the crawls. He gives me the left bones.

Oscar the grouch?

I can't help it. When he squints and shouts, I get hot.

I know love is blind, but since when did it become deaf and dumb?

I really miss Dan.

Yeah, well, if you promise not to spread it around, so do I.

How about you, Your Honor?

How about me what?

How about you anything?

Hello?

I'd say we have a lot of work to do.

Sir, I'd like to request a recess. We need to talk. Can we go to your

Miss Sullivan, anything you have to say to me, you can say right out here at the

bench.

Okay.

Three weeks ago tonight, we kissed in Central Park.

Would you mind keeping your voice down a little bit?

Say a word to me. You can't even look me in the eye. Of course I can.

That's lunch. One hour.

What are you staring at? Do you have lunch plans?

Of course I have lunch plans.

I plan on eating a sardine sandwich out on the loading dock and soaking in some

verbal abuse.

Is this some kind of perverse joke?

Who put you up to this? Blondie? She hates me.

But then who doesn't?

I don't.

Well, all right. You can tag along.

But don't talk. You might interrupt me.

Sorry, Christina. I'm going to work through lunch. Got a lot of work. Work,

work, work.

Sure, it's me.

Mac, thank goodness. Come on in.

Got something on your mind, Harry? Oh, boy, do I ever.

Mac, it's parable time.

Oh, good. Hey, I love your parables.

Mac, once upon a time, there was this little parakeet.

Happy, content little parakeet.

Okay, a happy parakeet. Gotcha.

See, this parakeet, he'd known this canary for a long time.

And one night, the parakeet was just flying through Central Park, and he

accidentally, on purpose, ran into the canary and her ex -husband.

And? The next thing he knew, the parakeet and the canary, they were

And then they went back to her perch, huh?

No, they just went to their separate cages.

Well, that's a pretty uneventful little parable, Harry.

No, Mac!

Mac! See, don't you get it? The canary, that's Christine.

And the parrot, that's me.

No!

Don't patronize me in my moment of torment.

Mac, I'm telling you, Christine is head over heels in love with me.

And you?

Well, I love her, of course, but I'm not...

In love with her. Oh, and you are positive now that she's in love with

are you kidding? That woman went off like a volcano when I kissed her.

Of course, I have that effect on women.

Curse.

Well, it seems that since you're both adults, it should be easy to work out.

No, Mac, I'm talking about a woman who is desperately in love. Oh, so the

solution is to avoid her for the rest of your life?

Guess so.

Unless somebody with a better idea comes through the door.

I was talking about the other door.

Excuse me, Harry, but there's a guy with a gun here to see you.

Judge Stone.

Frank Pepitone.

Harry, we have to talk.

After the guy with the gun, doll.

As I was saying, Frank Pepitone, DA investigator.

I'm working on the fielding disappearance.

Oh, don't bother. He's already disappeared.

I know Dan, and he'll be back.

Good. Because I got a little surprise for him.

A warrant for his arrest?

What's the charge?

Embezzlement, fraud, and grand larceny to the sweet tune of 10 .2 mil.

Hey, Dan had nothing to do with that.

He was the victim. He got ripped off by Will Sanders.

Cool down, cue ball.

I happen to have a warrant for Sanders' arrest, too. It's a nice little scam

they pulled.

What you talking about, Pipitone?

Sanders pulls all the money out of the Phil Foundation.

Then he and Fielding take a powder.

He probably thinks he's gotten away with it.

But we'll sniff him out.

Just follow your nose to the cheap cologne.

Thanks for the tip, sweetheart.

You guys don't believe him, do you?

Dan's not a sinner. He's a saint.

He's more than a saint.

He's an angel.

No, he's an archangel.

No, he's a demigod.

Right?

You know, you doubting Thomases are really starting to tick me off.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I've got some good will to spread.

Well, I hope he turns himself in before the cops find him.

yeah poor Dan I'm gonna

go worry about Dan somewhere else

Poor Dan.

Most of his friends think he's guilty.

What am I laughing at? I'm Dan.

No, I'm not.

Now, I am the phantom of the courthouse.

And no, Inspector Pepitone, You will not bring Dan Fielding to justice because

there is no justice in this building.

Not yet, anyway.

But soon I will remedy that.

I will vanquish the guilty. I will punish the wicked. I will take the

stapler because I need one.

Because the phantom's lair is short on half and half.

Now I must prepare, because my time is near.

The time of the phantom.

Ouch!

The phantom banged his shin.

I'll have to take that out on someone.

Last case of the night coming up, sir. People versus Rona Ornstein.

Solicitation.

Prosecution.

She's a hooker.

Hooking is against the law.

The prosecution rests.

Confess. My client pleads guilty and throws herself on the mercy of the

object. To what?

The mercy of the court?

No. To what's coming up next.

$50 and time served.

It's always $50 and time served.

Just to break up the monotony of the courtroom, the people moved that the

sentence be $55 and time served.

Objection. I knew it.

It's punitive, Your Honor.

Well, punishment is the objective, isn't it, Miss Sullivan? And since the

prosecution seems willing to make an unprecedented stink over this, why don't

split the difference and make the fine $52 .50 in time?

$52 .50. The end of an era.

I know. It's a shock to my system, too.

Let's go lie down.

And that's a wrap, folks. Good night.

Not so fast, sir.

Harry, you have to talk.

Well, I'm... Fine.

How about in my chambers?

Hey, Oscar.

Where are you going?

Well, let's see.

The night's still young.

I figure I'll stop at the corner, pick up a kraut dog and a papaya juice, head

down to my place, do the... TV guy crossword puzzle and fall asleep in my

clothes.

You could do that at my place.

Do you have one of those foot massage machines?

No. But I'll let you stand on my epileptic cat.

looks like the beginning of a not completely horrible and humiliating

relationship.

Cream? Sure.

Well, that's strange. I could have sworn I had a quart of half and half.

I'll just run down to the corner and pick some up.

Harry!

You've been avoiding me since that night in the park. You know it and I know it.

We've had one kind of relationship for seven years. Have I ever shown you my

moon rock?

Yes, you have.

When two people have known each other as long as we have, sometimes, well,

feelings change.

Love is a very strange thing, you know.

Yeah, I know.

And the truth is... The truth is I'm glad we had this little talk.

Harry, your two tickets to the courthouse mass ball just arrived.

Whoops.

So you want to go?

Oh, I'd love to.

Great.

Great.

Well, Mac, thanks to you, now we're dating.

Did you straighten everything out?

Oh, Roz, it's worse than I thought.

Harry is head over heels in love with me.

I don't know where I'm going to find a gown by tomorrow night.

A gown?

Tomorrow night?

What the hell went on in there?

Hey, loosen the screw.

Bye. a loosened screw.

My preparations are complete.

This courtroom which has been witness to my many victories will tomorrow night

see my greatest triumph.

like Cinderella at the ball.

Somebody pinch me.

And I'm going to keep on working

24 hours a day, seven days a week until Fielding is behind bars where he

belongs.

aren't as noticeable.

Hey, get your hands off my girlfriend.

What are you, a creep?

No, just a man taken for the moment by beauty and compassion.

Oh, yeah? Well, get your own chicks.

I'm more than man enough for her.

But she speaks the truth, you twisted little pipsqueak.

I, too, knew Dan. Fielding.

He was my idol.

Fielding, an idol?

That man is the lowest form of life on Earth.

You're taking this Fielding thing a little personally, aren't you, Inspector

Peppertone?

You have an unfair advantage, stranger.

You know my name. I don't know yours.

The name's... Phantom.

Phantom? Well,

Phantom.

Jean -Claude Phantom.

I'm French.

On my mother's side.

Well, what makes you think this fielding thing is personal, Phantom?

Because three years ago, the night before your wedding, he deflowered your

fiancée.

How do you know that?

Well, the news.

It was all over, Fran.

If you'll excuse me now, it's time to attack the shrimp.

I meant the appetizer, nitwit.

The lovely Christine.

begins to fall in place, the time of the phantom

is here.

You know what I always say, Christine?

Honesty is the only policy.

Correctamundo. Yep. Yep. Yep. Yep.

You know, I've always said that honesty is like shellfish.

I smell shellfish.

You know, I do too.

Well, isn't that something? We both smell shellfish.

Well, I'd say that that's a special moment.

Yeah? Yeah.

Oh, Harry, it's time to be honest. Come on. This tap dance is killing me.

Me too.

The truth is, Christine, I love you. And I love you.

Listen to me and listen well, denizens of the upper world.

Photos.

made this man's nightmare.

Christine?

Christine!