Original subtitles

Hey, guys.

Hey. Hi. Guess where we've been.

A really bad plastic surgeon?

No, we took little Charlie to the circus.

The circus, Knicks games, Chinatown.

You two sure have been hanging out a lot together lately.

Yeah, and having such a good time. So many great things to do in New York. You

mean besides run, scream, and reload?

Isn't this a glorious night?

Look out, here comes Brother Teresa.

The spirit of giving envelops me. The rapture of humanity engulfs me. The

tenor of altruism fills every out of my being.

I bring to you the future.

Wow, and it all fits in there.

No, my beloved Dunst.

We have just broken ground on the Phil Sanders Memorial Free Clinic.

Gee, Dan, I hate to nitpick, but you should have spent a few more bucks and

built a life -size one.

Dan, you're building a free clinic.

No, my angel. It is Phil who guides me. It is he whose foundation has made it

possible.

If only he had lived long enough.

To die in it.

Well, I'm convinced.

That's not our Dan.

I've read about things like this.

Extraterrestrial beings made to look like people we know so they can take

the whole planet.

I'll bet their plan is to kidnap us.

One by one.

They'll probably take him for their zoo.

I got my key. I got mine.

Open for business!

Gee, honey, this is a great surprise, but I can't stay.

I gotta track Dan.

I think he's from Mars.

Oh, don't stop. He proved my landlord was from Jupiter.

Oh, how did he do that?

Well, he dangled him by his ankles from the roof until he fessed up.

Matt, maybe we should keep an eye on Ball.

Yeah, and lock the door to the roof.

I thought they would never leave. Great news, girls. This matchmaker has found

the catch of the century.

Any takers?

I'm sorry, Wanda, but for the first time since my divorce, I'm finally feeling

good. No matter how great he is, I'm not ready.

And I'm not interested.

Oh, now, before you make up your minds, let me tell you about him.

Sensual lips, deep mysterious eyes, and a butt that just won't quit.

Won't quit, huh?

I thought you weren't interested.

Huh? I'm not.

I am.

Oh, great. I'll set you up. Not so fast.

I'm not real comfortable with this butt part.

Why? I've never dated a smoker before.

$50 in time served, and that's lunch.

Uh, Kitty?

Let me pay your veil.

What do I have to do for the 50 bucks?

Nothing.

Nothing?

Feel me, I'm touched.

You've inspired me.

Yes, I'm going back to school and finish my doctorate.

definitely from another planet.

I'm gonna go check out his office for unusual -looking pods.

Dan, you've had an interesting approach to the prosecution tonight.

What's up?

Well, you've gotten four cases dismissed, and you've given out over

money. Isn't it wonderful, Harry?

Oh, helping those who deserve it. Opening soup kitchens, opening free

So many causes, so little time.

With any luck... We'll have the common cold licked by July.

You know, maybe the bald guy's right.

Hey, Harry, I got the pictures back from the bike trip.

Oh, that was fun.

I hadn't been on a bicycle in years.

Well, there you are getting on. Yeah.

Oh, and here you are doing the handstand on the handlebars.

Oh, and here's that nice man that helped snap your shoulder back in place.

Good news, Lisette, your Romeo will meet you in 15 minutes in the cafeteria.

Oh, great, my Romeo.

Oh, no, Ros, will you go with me?

Why? I'm scared.

What if he gets fresh?

In the cafeteria?

Nothing's been fresh in there for years.

Please, please, pretty please.

Oh, all right. I hate it when you whine.

on Lisette and her date.

Oh, Harry, that's so childish, so immature. So what are we waiting for?

Just build.

Don't worry about the cost.

Nothing is too good for those who have nothing, Vinnie.

We have to change the world.

Phil, doing good is wonderful.

It's better than sex.

It's better than sex with the Lander sisters.

Oh!

Oh!

Oh, you wonderful people!

Here!

Enjoy today!

Have faith and hope for tomorrow!

Phil, if you could only be here to see this.

Finally, my life has purpose.

But, look, if you don't think that I'm doing enough, just, well, send me a

I'll do even more.

Hiya, Dan.

That's some sign.

Love is in the air, and

your date is in the hall. Here is the man that may share your shower cap.

Your mystery date.

Ta -da!

And that's what I call a dream boat.

Oh.

That's what I call an ex -husband.

Tony is Christine's ex?

Yes, ex.

As in ex.

bad to date oh why are all the cute guys my friend's ex -husband

come on let's go down to the dock and hit on some sailors

you know i usually take a powder when these things

don't work out bye

Well, this sure is some kind of crazy mix -up, isn't it?

Is it?

Yeah, you see, I met Wanda, and she told me she was a matchmaker. Then she said

that there was this gorgeous woman down at the courthouse, so I just assumed.

You see, the thing is, Sullivan, I, uh... How you doing, Harry?

Fine.

And busy.

Got a mountain of paperwork that I should get right on.

Right now.

Tony, what's this all about?

Sullivan, I've been doing a lot of thinking since we broke up. Oh, picking

new hobby?

You're right. I deserve that.

But, Sullivan, I miss you.

I miss our life together.

I want to try again.

Tony, it's taken me a long time to get over us. I've been through a lot, but

finally there.

I can't go back.

But, Sullivan, I've changed.

I promise you I won't make the same mistakes again. Well, good. Then you

to be able to use that in your next relationship.

This is going to be my next relationship.

Christine, I love you.

And I know you still love me.

I am going to get you back again.

Italian soup.

This is good.

Dan, I'm not Phil.

I'm Will.

Will Sanders, Phil's brother.

Who?

He never mentioned me?

Not a word.

My God, you're the spitting image, the hair, the face.

Although the smell is more like old spice, Phil was more like old cabbage.

Philip was, uh...

Distinctive. You know, in the old days, when we'd lunch at the Four Seasons, I'd

order from the menu while Phil would root through the trash for leftovers.

Well, back then, we just thought he was eccentric.

We didn't know he was planning on turning it into a lifestyle.

This is unbelievable.

I mean, I asked for a sign.

You are.

I wanted to come back as soon as I heard the horrible news about the piano

accident. But I was in South America finishing up a project for the Phil

Foundation. I was planting rainforests.

Planting rainforests.

Bless you.

I still...

Can't believe my beloved brother is gone.

He was my inspiration, Dan.

He changed my life and gave it meaning.

Before that, I walked in a path of darkness.

No.

I was a womanizer.

No.

I was evil. No.

But then... Then...

You saw the light? Yes.

And the light was beautiful.

Yes, you've seen it too. Oh, and I have felt its power.

Dan, Phil was my general in the fight for goodness.

I was his foot soldier.

Let me be your foot soldier.

Let me help you.

Let me walk in the light.

I would be so...

Honored. Someone who understands.

There's so much to be done. I know, Dan, but we can do it together just as I did

with Phil.

You know, over the years, we turned the fund into a multi -million dollar

charity.

Phil had the light and I had the know -how.

What kind of know -how?

Financial.

You have made some financial plans, haven't you?

I ordered checks with halos on them.

Long -range planning.

A wise investment.

Regeneration of funds.

Now, Dan, imagine the heartbreak if we had no more to give.

The fund must be replenished.

What did you plan to do when the well ran dry?

I don't know.

I guess I hope for some miracle.

Ben, I am that miracle.

Hallelujah.

Well, you're not going to believe this one.

Tony wants to get back together again. Is that a hoot or what?

That's better than a hoot at the howl. Yeah, right.

Like, I'm going to spend six months getting over him just to take him back.

Really? Why don't you just call the IRS and beg them to audit you?

Yes, sirree, Bob. My relationship with Tony is as dead as Phil.

Hi.

Christine,

once again, grace shines upon me. I want you to meet Phil's brother, Will.

Like manna from heaven, he has been sent to help me. We are going to invest and

build and herald the joy of giving together.

Hi, Will. I'm Harry Stone.

It's nice to meet you. My pleasure, I'm sure.

Hi, Dan.

Hi, Bull.

Come on. I'll show you around.

Bull, what are you doing?

I'm taking his hair in for chemical analysis.

And I haven't got a minute to waste. It appears this alien can raise and groom

the dead.

Another delivery for Christine.

I'd say either Tony is wild about you or he bought stock in FTD.

Oh, so he sent a few flowers.

A few?

You'd have to die twice to get that many.

You want to put these in water?

Yeah, like the East River.

Can I take a hint?

Well, I got the results on Dan's hair.

He's either human or from a planet that has our exact pH balance and uses

styling mousse.

Well, I guess that proves he's human.

Human, yes.

American? Maybe not.

I bet he's a foreign agent pretending to be Dan.

I bet he's an overgrown turnip pretending to be a bailiff.

Dasvidaniya, comrade.

Sure. See you, Bull.

Another KGB plot to take over the 18th floor.

I must alert all bailiffs.

Excuse me. Have you got the time, please?

Gee, thanks.

You gave her your gold watch.

Mack, material possession is nothing when compared to the needs of others.

Speaking of others, I haven't seen Will around.

He's out making some foundation investments. I've given him $100 ,000.

He's going to double it.

You gave a total stranger $100 ,000?

Don't you think that's a little risky, giving that kind of money to somebody

hardly know?

Mack, ye of little faith.

Man. You're overstressed.

Take some time off.

Call one of your four -star girlfriends.

Perish the thought.

I am ridding myself of every last vestige and relic of the old

Dan Fielding, including this directory of debauchery.

You're throwing away your black book?

This is the path which led me to evil.

This is the path which will lead me to salvation.

Well, thank you very much.

We got them. Two seats, front row, mezzanine.

Wow, the 10 ,000th performance of Cats.

Can't wait to see it again. The last time I went, the rum -tum tugger choked

a hairball.

You know, these last few weeks have been a lot of fun.

I guess it's great that our lives both crashed at the same time.

You know what I mean.

It's been really nice being with you.

Yeah. I've liked being with you, too.

Well, not being with you, but like friends.

It's been really special for me.

For me, too.

Another package from your left -in -secret admirer. Oh, no.

When is this guy going to get the message?

It's too small for flowers. Maybe he just sent seeds.

Well, don't they look like the happy couple?

They were when they were on my wedding cake.

And that was the week that was, folks. See you Monday.

Just a second.

No more park benches for you tonight. You stay at the Ritz.

Oh, out of cash. Wait, here.

Take my credit card.

Did you see that?

I think so.

Somebody's got to talk to him, Harry. He's not Will.

He's handing out money like he's Rockefeller.

Will disappears with $100 ,000. He doesn't even blink.

You're right. We've got to bring him down to Earth before he sprouts a halo.

Dan? Yes, Harry?

We know you've been working hard on the Phil Foundation, but we think you might

be getting a little carried away.

Yes, you're right.

Carried away with all the joy and faith that's in my heart.

It's orgasmic.

Maybe all this faith and joy and other stuff is getting in the way of good

judgment.

Macintosh.

Dad, you need help, pal.

All the help I need I have in will.

Somebody better get a net.

Dan, I think you better consider the fact that Will may not be coming back.

Of course he will.

Or maybe he won't.

Will won't. No.

Will. Hi, Dan.

I'm sorry I couldn't get back any sooner. You must have been worried.

Not for a second, brother.

Um, about the money.

I'm sorry I didn't double it.

Uh -huh.

I, um...

Tripled it.

Another miracle.

Can I have a hallelujah?

Wow. I guess your faith paid off. It always does.

Can you hold this a sec? Sure.

Thank you.

Now I got his fingerprints.

Well,

will you give it a rest?

Dan's not an alien and he's not a spy.

He may be weird, but he's the exact same Dan Fielding you've been seeing every

day for eight years.

Of course.

It all makes sense now. He's exactly the same because he's a clone.

They had to build from actual tissue.

I'm going to see if you left any dead skin lying around.

So, Harry, you want to join me for a beer?

Well, you know, I would love to suck suds with you, pal, but I can't.

I'm taking Christine to see cats. We got two in the litter box.

And on that lovely note, I bid you good night.

Hey. Oh, Harry.

I can't believe this, but I need to talk to Tony to straighten things out.

Now? Yeah, I'm feeling a little confused. I think maybe if I sit down

face to face... We weren't supposed to do something, were we?

No, no, it's okay.

See you later.

This is spectacular!

If you could do this with a hundred thousand, think what you could do!

Six million? Think what it would mean to the Foundation.

We could expand, help more people, and stay in the black.

Oh, Phil's dream would live forever.

That would be glorious.

Will, I would like to take you on the Phil Foundation in a permanent capacity,

if you're interested.

Oh, nothing on earth would mean more to me, Brother Dan.

That's wonderful.

Listen, why don't we take a ride down to the clinic site? I want you in on every

decision. I'd love that. Okay, good. Wait right here. I'll just get my

briefcase.

Sammy?

Will.

He bought it. We're in.

I'll meet you in Rio in two weeks.

And, uh, Sammy, book me a suite.

I want to have lots of room to enjoy Fielding's millions.