Original subtitles

Wow. You're not going to believe who got named one of the ten most interesting

men in New York.

If it's you, I'm moving to New Jersey.

Judge Harold T. Stone.

Interesting. You've got to be kidding.

Nope. He's right here. Sandwiched between Lawrence Taylor and JFK Jr.

There's one sandwich I'd love to be part of.

Boy, I bet Harry's going to be excited about this.

No, not Harry.

He's probably holed up in his office too embarrassed to even show his face.

Lucky, lucky, lucky!

Guess who's the most interesting judge in New York?

Of course, some people like to flaunt their embarrassment.

Congratulations, sir. How does it feel to be famous?

Ah, boy, it's no big deal.

In fact, the whole thing's kind of silly, isn't it? Yes, sir. Real silly.

I didn't say real silly.

I'm at least as interesting as JFK Jr., aren't I?

Not in the Tiger Prince Speedo.

I think it's great, sir. Being on this list will get you invited to all kinds

glamorous events.

Charity balls, inaugurations.

Hey, Harry, I've asked those tickets to the ice capades.

Wow, it's starting already.

Christine, do you know you're going to be taking one of the most interesting

in New York?

No, I'm taking Harry.

He was referring to...

This list.

Kind of silly, huh?

You're supposed to say no.

This is great, Harry.

I just hope an interesting guy like you still has time to go to the ice capades.

Don't worry. I always love watching a guy do triple axles in a worn -out Smurf

costume.

Harry, the Smurfs are passe.

This year they have Marmaduke.

Jack, I've come to settle my tab.

Here. Five hundred dollars.

You only owe me $2 .75.

Think of it as a penance for all of the wretched treatment I have heaped upon

you in the past, dear vendor.

Whoever it is impersonating Fielding, you got the voice right, but the words

all wrong.

What's up with Dan? He's giving me the creeps. It's the Phil Foundation.

It's turned him into a human being.

Yeah, right.

Watch this.

Yo, Dan.

Yes. Guess who's more interesting than you are?

Burns you up, doesn't it?

Actually, I can't think of a more deserving soul.

Kudos, dear friend.

Kudos.

Well, now I know what it feels like to live in a parallel universe.

Wow, what an interesting thing to say.

Hey, what's all this stuff?

Oh, this is my goldfish orca, my giraffe too tall, and my lamp sparky.

Good. Now that we're all on a first -name basis, what the hell are they

here?

I broke up with my boyfriend, Curtis.

After living with him for three years, I finally realized we are not a good

match. I give, he takes.

I cook, he eats. I clean, he messes.

Actually, we are a good match.

It's a big drag for me.

Well, at least you're taking a stand.

You moved out.

No, he kicked me out. You see, he kicks, I go.

Well, I'm real sorry about Curtis, but you can't keep this stuff here.

But I have no place to put it.

Don't look at me like that.

Don't you do this to me.

Okay, I guess I can keep some of it in my place.

Damn, I hate having anything cute in my apartment.

Now what?

I've got no place to put me.

I don't believe I'm saying this.

Okay, you can stay with me until you find your own place.

But Mr. Too Tall sleeps on the fire escape.

But he'll get chilly.

Don't push it.

No, no.

Rabbi Sandro, I won't give your soup kitchen $30 ,000.

I insist on giving you $50 ,000.

No need to thank me.

Shalom to you, too.

What are you up to, Dan?

Phil's work.

You know something? For the first time in years, I actually feel pure.

Tonight, I'm going to take all my naughty magazines and haul them to the

You must have a ton of those.

Careful you don't pull anything.

That's why I'm getting rid of them.

All rise.

Criminal court. Part two is now in session. The honorable and interesting

T. Stone presiding.

Thank you. Thank you. But enough about me.

Let's hear something from our clerk.

Yes, sir. People versus Twinkie.

Solicitation.

Prosecution. Yes, sir. Here's the police report.

She's been a bad girl.

Defense? Well, bad is a relative term, Your Honor.

Yeah, relatively incriminating in this case. Fifty dollars in time, sir.

You're a very interesting man.

Good news travels fast, huh, Mac? Yeah.

What's next?

Phone messages, sir. Ever since you made that list, the calls have been pouring

in.

The curator of the Museum of Natural History wants me to dedicate their new

woolly mammoth wing.

The Italian ambassador wants me to play polo. They like me, Mac. They really

like me.

If they can just hold their horses, because I've got a court to run.

That's it, sir.

Don't let all that celebrity poop go to your head.

Oh, I almost forgot.

Meryl Streep wants to rehearse a theme with you.

That's a five.

Want to get in on a little pool?

Football season already?

Actually, we're taking bets on when Roz will lose her temper with Lissette.

And what instrument of destruction she'll employ.

There's still some good squares left.

Tuesday with a steam iron.

Thursday with a frying pan.

And Friday with a Barker lounger.

So, are you in?

No, thanks, guys.

No thanks, guys.

God, is he interesting.

Wow, that's for me? Yeah.

To my conga line buddy, Love Amber.

Who's that?

Miss January.

Mac, isn't this something?

Just think, two days ago I was a big nobody, and now I am rubbing elbows with

the rich and famous.

I'm even going to an art opening tonight. It's a big exhibit by Gunst.

Gunst?

Yeah,

yeah, yeah. He's this hot Norwegian sculptor. Everybody who is anybody is

to be there tonight.

Hey, Harry.

Great news.

Big Bird's going to be there tonight.

Big Bird? Tonight?

Oh, the ice capades.

Oh, yeah.

Great. Yeah, isn't it?

You know, ever since I was a little girl, I used to dream about being a

skater. Going to the Olympics and winning a gold medal for my country.

What stopped you? The skating part.

That ice is so slippery.

But, you know, I still love watching it. And you will, too, after tonight. See

you then.

Well, I guess it's goodbye.

And hello, Marmaduke.

Bo, Rosalyn was set on here yet. You don't suppose she's done her in already?

That would be horrible.

I don't have today in the pool.

And then the father says, when you got a pig like that, you don't eat them all

at once.

You guys are sure getting along.

Yeah. What's it to you?

Nothing.

Nothing. Well, so much for Tuesday with the steam iron.

All right.

School Court Part 2 is now in session. The honorable, interesting, and

photogenic Harold T. Stone presiding.

Thank you, thank you, thank you. Let's get a move on.

It's icecapades night.

Bless you, sir.

Oh, thank you, Counselor. I hope I'm not coming down with something.

More likely coming up with something.

Are you sure you're going to be all right?

I could call a doctor. My treat, of course.

No, thanks very much, guys. I'm sure I'm going to be absolutely fine.

Oh,

Harry. I don't know how you made it through session.

You know, I think you have a fever.

Let's see that thermometer.

A tissue, please. Oh, yeah, right away.

You know, Harry, there is a flu going around.

I don't know. I think you should skip the escapades tonight.

No, no, Christine.

I made a promise that I'm going to keep it, no matter how cold and drafty it is

in that arena.

Yeah, well, let's see that thermometer.

Harry, you've got a temperature of 103.

Okay, that's it. No escapades for you tonight.

But I can't let you miss those barrel jumps.

Don't worry about me, Harry. You just go home and get better.

How's Harry doing?

Oh, he's going to be fine.

Well,

guys, I've got an extra ticket to the escapades.

Anybody interested?

Sorry, Christine. It's laundry night. I thought she folds.

Okay, Roz, fess up. She's driving you nuts, right?

Not at all.

She's a sweet girl.

She knits sweaters for birds, but she's sweet.

You like living alone.

I do.

But once in a while, it's nice to have company.

Especially somebody who gets a kick out of sorting socks.

Anyway, she's going through a rough time.

She needs a friend.

You know something?

Harry needs a friend, too. I'm going to see if I can get him anything before I

go to the show. Thank you, Roz.

I was just talking about socks.

Mr. Fielding, this Swedish -American girl posture was created to protect

and innocent...

Mostly blonde immigrants from the clutches of unscrupulous men.

You look familiar. Do I know you from somewhere?

It's a big city.

Lots of tall people.

Well, at any rate, without your support, our girls will be forced out onto the

streets with the perverts.

Can't shake the feeling that we have met somewhere.

Well, you know, they say déjà vu runs rampant in the spring.

Wait a minute.

I remember you.

You tried to sneak into the hostel one night.

You were wearing a blue dress and a frizzy blonde wig.

And you had a suitcase filled with oysters.

Actually, they were green mussels.

Thank you for wasting my time. Good day, sir. No, wait, please.

Yes,

it is true that most of my life I have walked on the dark side.

In fact, I was commander of the dark side.

But I've changed.

I now walk in the light.

And I have realized over the last few weeks that I have been put...

On Earth for one reason only.

To do his will.

You mean the Lord?

God? No, I mean the bomb, Phil.

Please take my check.

My salvation depends on it.

Mr. Fielding, I believe you.

Hey, Phil.

Dan, 17.

Sin zip.

Can I play the winner?

Oh, sorry. We're playing best out of 311.

How many have you played so far?

Four.

I can wait.

Lizette?

Curtis.

Lizette, please come home.

I can't live without you. I'm on my knees.

You're not on your knees. You're standing.

You're just a figure of speech, Lisette. Oh, here we go again. You just keep

picking those nits, don't you?

You want to take away my manhood?

Want to borrow my gardening chair?

Lisette, home.

Now.

Ross, I better go.

Looks like you lost a roommate.

Yeah, too bad.

It was almost like being 16 all over again.

Hey, I could move in with you.

I said 16, not six.

You know, you'd think hanging out with me would have some effect on her.

But I guess you can't grow a backbone overnight.

General...

Curtis. Oh, I pushed him down the stairs.

To Harry.

Love ya.

Gunst.

Harry.

Christine. What a lovely sculpture.

Where in the world did you get it?

The pharmacy.

Harry, I saw you leave last night.

You did?

Well, I was going to see my doctor.

In a tuck?

He's a real formal doctor.

Okay, all right. There was no doctor.

There wasn't even any cold.

Just going to a very exclusive art opening.

Why couldn't you just come out and tell me? This isn't like you.

I know.

I guess I'm just overwhelmed by all this attention.

You know, it's not easy being the hottest guy in town.

You're not the hottest guy in town. Oh, yes, I am. Oh, no, you're not. Oh, yes,

he is.

Good night, New York TV. Show call to confirm your appearance tonight.

He's hot.

Funny stuff.

Okay.

Two days ago, my next guest was a great big nobody.

Now he's the hottest guy in town, and we've got him. Judge Harold T. is in

terrific stone.

Come on out here.

Great to be

here, Dave.

Before we start, hi, Christine.

Christine, ooh, what a lovely name.

Is that the lucky lady in your life?

No, she's just a friend.

Just a friend.

She'll love it.

She'll love it. I love it.

Oh, what a breath of fresh air you are, my friend.

You are my friend.

Philosophy of life.

Have you got one?

Live and let live, I guess.

What an inside, the stone man speaker.

So, fellas, what's it like in municipal court?

Hookers and flashers and thugs. Oh, my.

Hookers. What do you give them?

Whatever they want, I guess.

Oh, I'll tell a $50 fine in time served. That's the usual.

Fascinating. Yeah, it is, isn't it?

You know, Dave, in my eight years on the bench, I guess I've seen it all. And we

want to hear all about it. So, hold on to your hats, folks.

We're coming right back with the most interesting of them all, Harry Stone.

We're clear.

Check this out.

The ten even more interesting men in New York?

Stone's not on it.

Get rid of him. He's dead weight.

Thanks for coming down, Judge. Sorry.

You gotta go. We won't have time for any of your little stories.

I just got here.

Take him backstage.

Get my T -shirt.

Hey, two minutes ago, you said I was the most interesting guest you ever had.

That was two minutes ago.

Now you're yesterday's news.

Nobody cares about you anymore.

Go on. Get out of here.

Who was that guy?

And that's a wrap.

Guess I'll see everyone tomorrow, huh?

Mac, were there any calls for me tonight?

Uh, just one. Meryl Streep called to say she got a new phone number.

Well, that's nice. To know that there's at least one person who is not swayed by

the shifting sands of public opinion.

What's your new number?

She wouldn't say.

Anybody feel like going and grabbing a bite?

Oh, Harry, as much as I would dearly love to break bread with you, I'm

presenting a check tonight to Cub Scout Den 462.

I've just enough time to rush home and ice those cupcakes I baked for them.

The youth of America must be served.

Christine, are you busy?

I'm sorry. I feel a cold coming on.

Boy, Mac, I'm telling you, fame is one fickle creature.

Oh, yeah.

Oh, man, look at me.

I mean, in one night, I went from being somebody to being a big fat nobody.

Well, sir, you were always somebody to us.

It's just that for a few days there, you were somebody stupid.

Thank you, Matt.

Anytime.

Hi.

Hi.

I was feeling a little better, and I have nothing to do tonight, so...

You're so wonderful.

And I'm such a jerk.

I put all that celebrity stuff ahead of the people that really matter to me.

So can I make it up to you by springing for a big night out on the town?

Well, actually, I do have a pair of tickets for something. Oh, no, forget

You wouldn't be interested.

No, I would, really. No matter what it is, you can count me in. What is it?

The Lower Manhattan Quilting Symposium.

A quilting symposium.

Wow. That sounds...

Interesting. Let's go.

Ross, take it easy.

Don't do anything crazy.

I'm headed with you, you cuteness, you chetness, you vegetarian meatloaf.

Aha, we got a winner here.

Thursday with a frying pan.

Okay, so who gets the 500 bucks?

Thursday, frying pan, the winner is R .R.

Who's R .R.? Ross Russell.

Dinner at 21?

Delighted.