Original subtitles

Great news, everyone.

I passed my urine test.

Well, so much for my leek soup.

You know, I think society's gotten out of control with the testing paranoia. I

mean, who would suspect Bull of taking drugs?

It's not that kind of test.

It's about how long you can stand without going to the little boy's room.

Seventeen and a half hours.

Broke my old record by nine minutes.

What kind of test is that?

Part of the bailiff evaluation.

Every three years, they push us to the limit just to make sure we're fit to

frisk.

Watch it, Ross. Chief Bailiff Reedy at six o 'clock.

Russell,

third general order of a bailiff.

To stand in my post until properly relieved.

Shannon, seventh general order. To properly relieve those who stand at

post.

How many orders are there?

Twenty -three.

And they all include the word stand.

As a group, we're reliable.

Unimaginative, but reliable.

Attitude check, bailiff.

Something I can do for you, sir? The courthouse will be hosting a special

visitor tonight, and I'm turning him over to your care.

Why me?

You're being tested because your people skills are in question.

And who will I be sharpening them on?

Name, McDonald Billy.

Age, 10.

Occupation, television actor.

He will be observing in your court tonight. We have been ordered to provide

access.

Why is he coming to our courtroom?

The city has leased it tomorrow night to shoot what is called a television

pilot. Oh, please, come on, Harry. You're not going to let him use our

courtroom, are you? You're darn right I'm not. I'm going to talk to the

presiding judge about this. Suit yourself, but orders are orders. In

we will be commandeering your office for the ladies' dressing room.

I will go and get the minor.

He doesn't like you very much, does he?

He hates me.

Ever since the bailiff picnic when I kicked his sorry butt in the egg toss.

Now he's getting back at me by making me look after some Hollywood brat.

He's no brat.

That's Dickie the Dickens.

From TV, you know.

He's the roughest, toughest, cutest kid that ever lived on Elm Street.

Wow, this is the luckiest night of my life.

First I pass my urine test, then I get to be Dickie the Dickie.

Let the good times roll.

Well, Russ, think of it. You could use this as a chance to distinguish yourself

in Reedy's eyes.

Yeah, well, it is only for one night.

I mean, how bad can it be?

Russell?

Billy, this is Bailiff Russell. If you need anything, just ask her.

Now, I want you to take good care of our Billy. He's very particular about...

Okay, Mom.

That's it. Hit the road.

Yes, dear.

What a dump.

Well, he seems nice.

Well, I'm sorry, Miss Stevenson, but I just can't believe that you made $1 ,200

in one night simply by selling cookies.

$50 end time, sir.

And let's take a five, people.

X -ray specs.

I tried them. It's a scam.

They don't work.

I'm losing focus.

I'm not.

Can I help you?

Victoria Fillmore, director, the littlest lawyer.

What are you doing here?

I'm scouting the location and setting my shots.

Location and shots.

I'm sorry, not according to the presiding judge, you're not. He assured

this court is to serve the people, not to entertain them. I'm afraid you're

going to have to take your tinsel town sideshow someplace else.

Wait.

Could you say that again?

Ooh, say that again.

Take your tinsel town sideshow someplace else?

You said that with a good deal of authority.

We're going to be using some of the courthouse workers to capture the

verisimilitude of the judicial milieu.

But I'm sure you wouldn't be interested.

You really think I exude authority?

Not a... Unlike Olivier in Richard III.

More like Kermit in The Muppets Take Manhattan.

Hey, Vicki, hold on. Where are you running off to?

And this is the courtroom.

There's the bench.

That's where the lawyers sit.

This is the rift.

And this is the raft.

Russell, front and center.

Stay put.

May I help you?

I'm just here to observe.

Oh.

Nice sweater, soul man.

Progress report.

I've taken him on a full tour of the facilities.

Holding, booking, the morgue, fingerprinting, the morgue.

Why the morgue twice?

He really liked the morgue.

He's a strange kid.

I'm Christine Sullivan.

I'm the public defender.

Do you know what a public defender is?

Do you know how to talk like a normal person?

What a little kidder.

Hi there, little Dickie.

I've watched every single show you ever did.

Every single show?

Yeah.

Do you still live in that big house on Elm Street with a white picket fence and

the treehouse you built with your dad?

Next to that cantankerous yet endearing, wacky next -door neighbor, Mr. Barnes?

You don't get out much, do you?

No.

Russell, what do you call those purple -like things on your feet?

I call them socks.

Well, they're not regulation.

Are you aware...

that non -issue hosiery can inhibit your ability to apprehend a prisoner?

I have you know I can kick butt in bunny slippers.

Sir.

And what do you do?

Oh, I'm the court stenographer.

I hit these little keys and keep a record of everything that's said in

Gee, why don't they just get an ape and teach it how to type?

Don't be... ridiculous if the union would never allow that.

Anybody home?

Hey,

hey, hey, you can't sit there.

Why not?

Because that's where the district attorney sits.

I'm going to play a DA on TV and I could really use it. your expertise.

Well, in that case... Mind if I ask you a few questions?

Fire away, my sawed -off little friend.

Okay.

How do you get the jury's respect?

Well, you have to keep your questions concise.

Most of all, make sure they see the label in your $800 suit.

Good. But how do you break a witness?

Well, you've got to plan your attack.

You want to confuse them a little, keep them off guard.

Of course, I...

Try to go easy on the female defendants because eventually they're going to be

getting out of prison and probably they'll be lonely.

Thanks. You've been very helpful.

Note to the writers, use Fielding as a model for the transsexual psychopath in

episode three.

Well, so why are you cooling your heels over here when you should be over there

taking care of your assignment?

You're the one who called me over here. I didn't tell you to grow roots. Get

back. The what? No, listen, you erase that, you little rugrat. Or you're going

to witness a felony firsthand.

Leave him alone, building.

He started it.

Go on.

I'll show you the roof.

Maybe you can count the stories on the way down.

They want me to be in their TV show.

You? Yep.

They say I exude authority.

I figure I can handle the part of the judge.

It's a stretch, but I think you might be able to pull it off.

Russell, get me something to eat. I'm hungry.

It's Miss Russell, and have you ever heard the word please?

You ever heard the word now?

What do you want?

The usual. A few strips of bacon, some french fries, and a side of onion rings.

That's the usual?

Why don't you just go lick the grill?

Stay put.

Don't move or I'll make you eat liver.

Your own, you nasty little... Lean mean bailiffs,

get that way!

Lean mean bailiffs, get that way!

Because we have to stand all day!

Because we have to stand all day!

Pound off!

Hey,

how you doing, Ross?

You wouldn't happen to know where I could get my hands on a really big

mallet, would you?

Oh, come on, Roz. You've had tougher assignments than this before?

With children, you just have to be patient.

And your patience will be rewarded with a smile.

Dr. Spock?

Hello, Billy.

Okay, I know.

We got off to a rocky start, but I really want to be your friend.

Okay. You know, friend, while I'm in town, you should go see my makeup man.

really? Yeah, he'll scrape 10, 20 years off you just like that.

Excuse me. I'm going to go find that croquet mallet.

What's your problem?

You were incredibly rude.

People around here are so sensitive.

What's this green stuff?

Some call it broccoli.

This is not what I asked for.

What you asked for was toxic.

Oh, right. You're going to lecture me about diets? I don't think so. Don't get

me what I want.

Let me let you in on a little secret.

What? I hate you.

Why? Because you're a spoiled, rotten, rude, self -centered pain in the butt.

And the only reason I don't grind you into the linoleum is because I don't

to lose my job.

Oh, yeah?

Suppose I report your little tirade to your supervisor.

He won't believe you.

Oh, you dirty little blackmailer. I ought to ram this broccoli down your...

Russell!

What are you doing?

Uh, I'm making Mr.

Broccoli dance.

I don't think so.

See you tomorrow, Miss Russell.

Let's go, Mom.

Mom!

Well, it looks like your people skills are improving.

Littlest Lawyer, scene 12, take 7.

First of all, you said, all right. The script says, all rise.

Geez, you would have thought I would have known that one.

Secondly, you might try saying the line like a real person.

Reality on television. That's an interesting idea.

Why don't you work on it?

What happened? You blow your line again, Brando?

I don't know what I'm doing wrong.

You're not married, and there's something to be said about proper

I think he's talking about his line, Bull.

Oh, well, don't feel bad, sir. You only had one day to learn that line. It took

me three years.

Don't worry, sir. You'll get it.

You know what I can't believe, Harry, is that you'd even lower yourself to take

part in the frivolity of TV.

Come on, Dan. I'm giving all the money that I earned to charity.

Besides, it's fun. I mean, when else am I going to get the chance to be on

national television?

You could sleep with an evangelist.

What does a bailiff handbook say about committing suicide before completing an

assignment? I'm pretty sure you won't get your pension.

Well, I know he's bad, but is he bad?

Bad?

Did you see the home?

Yeah, well, this kid has four sixes on his head.

How do you know they're not nines?

What are you doing out here? You're supposed to be inside with me.

I was getting some air.

You want some air? I'll order you some.

Billy, honey, we're ready for you.

Here, hold this. And see if you can get somebody to scrape the nuts off of it.

What kind of fool would do that?

Riley standing over her holding a gun before I could stop him he shot her

and killed himself fine fine

actress I think the bulk of her talent is in that sweater

obviously you haven't seen her from behind you

told the police you heard the first shot at 5 p .m. while you were in the Is

that correct?

Yes. I think not.

The sauna was closed for repairs that day. No, Mrs. Appleby. You were in the

cabana killing Maria and Mr. Riley. No, that's a lie.

In it.

All right, I did it.

But he deserved it.

He said he loved me.

It's okay. Everybody's entitled to a few mistakes.

Well, maybe the kid has a heart after all.

Dumper.

That's unbelievable.

Can he do that?

It's in his contract.

He gets to do one unnecessary cruelty per day.

I'm so sorry, Miranda.

I went to the mat for you. To the mat?

Oh, this whole project is stupid anyway.

Whoever dreamed up the idea of a ten -year -old lawyer?

A 12 -year -old network executive.

Excuse me, I just wanted to say that I've been watching your direction. It's

quite astounding. I mean, it's peppered with shadings of Truffaut, Godard, Igmar

Begman's wild stewardesses.

Wild strawberries.

Oh, yeah, I like that scene, too. Listen, do you take direction as well as

give it?

Well, that depends on who's holding the bullhorn.

pictures for you to sign. For God's sake, Mother, forget how to use the

stamp. Stop standing around here and get me something to drink. I'm thirsty.

Right away, dear.

How can you talk to her like that?

Like what?

Like a servant. She is your mother.

She likes to run around. Besides, it's not like she doesn't get paid for it.

In session.

What do you think?

Well, you know Don Amici.

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Well, sure.

Oh, Roz, I am so glad to have this chance. I cannot tell you how happy we

are to have you here.

Billy.

so much more relaxed with you around.

You call that relaxed?

Oh, yeah. You're like a miracle worker.

Look, maybe this is none of my business, but don't you think he's a little

bossy?

Oh, well, you know how ten -year -olds are and make him a star on top of that.

Well, he's just under a lot of pressure.

Yeah. He's running out of people to insult.

Look, just because your son is some kind of celebrity, that doesn't give him the

right to act like Adolph Toddler.

Doesn't that bother you?

I mean, you are his mother. I am also his manager.

Look, Ross, Billy chose this career ever since he did his first soap commercial

at two months. Show business has been his life.

What did he do, squirt a message out with his milk bottle?

The two -month -old isn't old enough to make decisions for himself, and neither

is a ten -year -old. Well, that's why he needs me as his manager.

He needs you as his mother.

Look, you're not doing your son any favors by letting him think this

okay, because one of these days, somebody's going to put their foot down,

Billy's going to be under it.

Say,

Dickie? I don't mean to bother you, but would you mind signing my autograph

book?

Roz, make yourself useful. Get this chrome -domed freak of nature away from

All right, that's it.

Send for the littlest lawyer to meet the big, bad bailiff.

You are the meanest, most arrogant, obnoxious little brat I have ever met in

life.

You only want me around because nobody else can stand you.

Well, let me tell you something. I can't stand you either. And you can take your

little blackmail tape and do whatever you want with it. I have had enough.

You can't talk to Billy like that. Not like that.

Oh, shut up, you overpaid parrot.

And you, you don't care about Billy at all. All you care about is keeping him

happy long enough to do your stupid TV show.

It goes for all of you.

You're an army of yes -men.

And a child needs to hear the word no once in a while.

Russell, you are out of order.

And I'm also out of patience.

I'm a bailiff, and I do a damn good job.

But if you're looking for somebody to mother this child, I suggest you talk to

his manager.

That does it. You are on report.

On report? I want her fired!

Be quiet, Billy.

What? I said shut up.

Are you talking to me?

Yes, I am, William Fenmore McDonald.

She hasn't called me that in six years.

Speaking as your mother, there's going to be some changes around here.

You, me, your dressing room, now.

I don't know anything about any report.

24th General Order of a Bayless.

But there are only 23.

There are 24 now.

The new one is Don't Mess With Raj.

That's a nice addition. I'll remember it.

If anybody's looking for me, I'll be at home shooting my television set.

back to work, we'll shoot the opening, all right? Where's my bailiff?

I'm all set. I mean, I know my line, but I have this question about my

motivation. Oh, I'm really sorry, Judd Stone. Somebody should have told you.

afraid we had to recast the part. We decided to go with someone more

experienced. You're right where you are, BF.