Original subtitles

Red Letter Day for New York. Monty Potter is playing five nights at the

Center. Who's Monty Potter?

You've never heard of the Potty Man?

He's the crown prince of comedy filth. Yeah, he's one of those comics that

to shock his audience.

He's a cesspool with lips.

He's not dumping on minorities and women. He's grabbing his crotch and

to his Mr. Friendly.

lowlife would actually pay money to see someone like that.

Two tickets!

Third row center for the potty man. Read them and weep.

Don't you just love a coincidence? Oh, yeah.

What? You don't like Monty Potter?

Not as much as I like sandpaper pantyhose.

You know, a lot of women find risque humor a turn -on.

Most of the women I date would love to go to this concert.

Most of the women you date would love to be able to spell concert.

Forgive me if I just don't collapse in hysterical, uncontrollable laughter.

Saving my laughter for tonight.

Well,

now you know what kind of fans the party man has.

Sure, women who hate themselves and their dates.

Riddle time.

What does Ed McMahon have three of, Shelley Winters two of, and Bull Shannon

of?

Chins?

No.

Autobiographies!

Bull on Bull.

Real deep, real hip, real Bull.

Bull, how'd you get that book published?

Well, after 426 rejections, Random snapped it up.

Random house?

No, random author.

Random author? They're one of those vanity publishing houses. Bull, how much

this cost you?

Only $11 a copy.

They said they usually charge Kurt Vonnegut $20.

Bull, big authors don't pay to get their books published.

Publishers pay them.

Gee, I'm glad I didn't take their movie deal.

Sounds like I've been hoodwinked.

Depends. How many books did you buy?

Just enough to make the bestseller list.

Listen to this.

After my first rainy night on Manhattan's mean streets, two things

brilliantly clear.

Jane Pauley doesn't return phone calls, and cantaloupe hats leak.

The man's a wordsmith.

I hope.

So, Dan, how was your evening with that toilet fellow?

That potty man?

For your information, it was sick.

It was crass. It was fantastic.

Could have saved yourself a few bucks if you had just stayed here and read the

men's room wall.

I've already committed that to memory.

Anyway, potty man's jokes were much better.

Listen to this one.

Come on, come on, come on, come on, come on. Listen, listen.

Why did God give women legs?

So that when you're through with them, they can leave.

They can leave.

Degrading women doesn't make me laugh.

You people lighten up.

It's a joke.

How can an educated man like him laugh at such garbage?

An educated man like him wanted to make synchronized stripping an event at the

Pan Am Games.

What's next, Mac?

Files on its way, sir.

As I followed the dusty road, my father's haunting voice crept in my

Ring, ring, ring, went the phone.

No, no, nobody's home.

Well, what do you think?

It was so spiritual.

The ringing was a metaphor for your halcyon days before you were swept away

the winds of time.

Wow, and I thought it just had to do with a phone.

Well, here's something we don't see every day. Citizens arrest.

Woo -hoo, some hardened criminal cross against the light.

The story of the year.

Well, if that's all it is, it must be a slow news day.

What the hell day to rest? The mayor?

Nope, somebody bigger.

Monty Potter.

The potty man? In the flesh, your worship.

Hey, how you doing? Monty, Monty, care to make a statement? Monty, Monty, how

you feel? You mean, who do I feel?

I'll tell you what's going on.

Cassabas are in season. That's what's going on.

That's enough of that.

Mr. Prosecutor, to what do we owe the pleasure of this special appearance by

Potter this evening?

Okay, wait.

Apparently, during Mr. Potter's performance this evening, a crazed

member jumped up on stage and made a citizen's arrest. He's claiming that Mr.

Potter's act... was obscene.

Yeah, right.

Your Honor, as much as I am no fan of Mr. Potter's brand of humor, this case

unfounded. It should never have come before the court.

Hey, honey, if I want your help, I'll drop my drawers.

You gotta give me a trial.

This is about my right to free speech. The clown sat on me for a half hour

screaming the holy roller crap in my ear.

Is the complainant in court?

That would be me, sir.

The Reverend Lester Sinclair.

Oh, no, not this guy.

I've seen him on TV.

He wanted to retouch the Mona Lisa because she looked like she was thinking

dirty thoughts.

In all my years of fighting obscenity, I have never encountered a more

lecherous, immoral character than this sinner who stands before you.

Is he talking about Monty or Dan?

Potter is a threat to all that is good and pure. He infects his audiences with

his atrocious behavior.

Uh, Reverend, Reverend, rather than playing to the six o 'clock report,

you mind directing your comments to the bench? I'm sorry, Your Honor, but I

truly believe that the world should know about this. Yeah, well, know about

this, huh, Gabriel? Go blow your trumpet. He's a... Huh, butt -face? All

all right.

Much as I hate to interrupt this witty repartee, I don't want to hear another

word out of either one of you.

If the prosecution has nothing to add but the occasional guffaw... I'm sorry.

It cracks me up.

The people see no reason to pursue this case, sir.

All right, if there is nothing on which to base the decision... Aha, but there

is. The smoking gun.

A transcript of tonight's performance.

Potter at his filthiest.

You don't expect me to read this into the record.

Oh, what's the matter, Judge?

No guts?

Your Honor, there's really no reason to hear this.

Poop.

Why don't you just dismiss the charges and everybody can go on home?

Ooh, the crack of the whip.

I'm sorry, Reverend. There's no way I'm going to read this.

Just go ahead and read it. I got nothing to be ashamed of.

Your mama does.

Well, if it will settle this matter and avoid wasting the court's time, I'll

read it.

Ah, goody, I finally get to use my dirty keys.

So I met this broad in a bar.

She's got a great set of blankety blanks.

She buys me a drink and tells me she's a dental hygienist.

So I rinse and spit on her.

Oh, this is sick.

I know. I just hope I can remember it.

So I'm in this sushi bar, and I tell the little blankety -blank waiter that I

like my fish cooked.

He gives me this stupid stare like he don't know English or something, so I

my cigarette out on his tongue.

Well, I think we get the gist of your humor, Mr. Potter.

I rest my case, Your Honor. Potter's Act is one obscenity after another.

No, it's one blankety -blank after another.

It's also inane, insipid, and witless, but that is not a judgment. That's a

to get you people out of my court.

Stupidity dismissed.

Okay.

Dismissed? Your Honor, this disciple of evil must be made accountable for his

obscenity. What about my rights? I want justice and this clown off my back. I

want a ruling.

Sorry, fellas, the complaint department opens in the morning. Next case, Mac.

What a waste of time.

This is a travesty of justice.

The devil has been released. Well, you can't do this to me. If you don't rule,

this cretin will never leave me alone.

Mr. Potter, there is nothing to rule on and there is nothing more to discuss.

Oh, what's wrong, Judge? Afraid to have your name connected with a First

Amendment case?

That's enough, Mr. Potter.

You're a spineless. Is every other jerk in this judicial system. What do they

call you, Judge Jello?

That is more than enough, Mr. Potter. Now either you clear out or I will have

you held over on contempt charges.

Hey, Judge.

Kiss my blank.

Oh, I know what that one was.

So do I.

Say the magic word, go to jail.

Bull, lock him up.

Justice is truly ours.

Since you're going to holding, want a good book to read?

Well, what do you think?

Amazing.

How'd you ever get Ronald Reagan to read your book on tape?

Heck, he'll do anything for $200.

So, how many books have you sold so far, Paul?

Well, let's see. Not carrying the ones I gave away for free.

None.

Yes?

Well, you sold one out, big guy.

Great! Want me to autograph it for you? Ah, no, that won't be necessary.

Excuse me, Your Honor.

Damn! It's like a glove.

Say, you look like a woman who'd appreciate Monty Potter.

Why is a chick like a guitar?

Oh, because you can string her along, play her all night, and then lock her in

the closet until you want to use her again.

Funny stuff, huh?

No

sense

of humor.

But a great sense of taste. Oh, then what, pray tell, do you find funny,

Pollyanna?

Well... I did get a giggle when I read Family Circus this morning.

It had the little boy running into the house saying, Mommy, it's raining cats

and dogs, and I just stepped in a poodle.

Got some messages here for you, sir.

Oh, more of the same? Yeah, three bomb threats, offer to speak at two revival

meetings, and an invitation to a Klan sock -off.

Ever since I locked up the potty man, he's been nothing but trouble.

Oh, maybe you should let him out, sir. I think you've made your point.

I can't yet.

It's almost like he wanted to be put in jail.

I don't know. There's something strange about this whole thing.

Muncie potters behind bars where he belongs.

The hound of hell has been muzzled.

I think I just figured out what it is.

The smoking gun.

Reverend.

this the filth busters arm and arm no picture don't be self -conscious judge

everyone's photogenic in god's eyes reverend i want to speak with you be

back in a minute you know it's really amazing amazing that

you were able to record monty potter's act and get it typed in so short a time

was blessed with an incredible typist ah Ah, yeah. She was obviously blessed

with the talent to type 8 ,000 words a minute.

What are you implying?

You stopped the show at 8 .30 and you were in my court by 9.

Potter must have given you this material before the show.

That is preposterous. What could I possibly gain from that?

A little cash in the collection plate?

Admit it.

You and Potter stir up the press.

He sell tickets?

Your donations go up.

That is an outrageous accusation and untrue.

But... If it were, is it prosecutable?

Oh, yeah.

It's collusion.

With a capital C, and that rhymes with P.

And that stands for prison.

You can't threaten me.

I am a minister.

By the way, Reverend...

Where exactly is your church? I thought I might like to attend a service.

Well, we don't exactly have services.

It's a post office box, isn't it?

A very big post office box.

You're a fraud, and I want you out of here.

And if I ever hear you and Potter doing anything like this again, I'm going to

share this conversation with your friends there.

Get out of Dodge, Reverend.

Bless you, Your Honor.

Here he is, Your Honor.

Thanks, Bull.

Go easy on him. You appreciate the good literature.

And they call me a menace to society.

Wow.

So how are the accommodations, Mr. Potter?

Fine.

Kind of like the solitude. You know, this is the first quiet time I've had in

week, but... I'm ready to get sprung.

I'm wondering if I'm sold out tomorrow night, too.

Well, with all the publicity you generated tonight, I imagine you are.

Then it was worth it. Yeah.

Pretty slick, the way you and the Reverend pulled this off.

He spilled it?

Jeez.

You can't even trust a minister these days.

You're not steamed?

Hell no.

I appreciate a well -thought -out public relations scam as much as an ex -gun.

You know, you're pretty hip, Judge. How about you and a date come by tomorrow,

house seats?

Actually, I was hoping you might do your act for me right now.

I got a packed room waiting for you out there.

No, I don't usually do freebies. You know, this full house of yours tomorrow

night isn't going to mean much if you're still locked up in a holding cell.

Gotcha. Lead on, your lordship.

Thank you.

Thank you. Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.

Welcome to Harry's Litigation Lounge.

Tonight, held over until I say he can go.

from attacking you.

Pretend you're a salad.

Marty, I forgot something. Yeah, yeah. I was out the other night with this

Iranian broad, right? And I'm walking down this... Whoa,

whoa.

What are you doing?

Just turning on the light so you can see your audience.

Hey, um, I don't need to endure this.

Well, hey, yeah. Hit the mitre, honey.

Wait, where...

Off to anywhere. The bars will be open all night for a working girl like you.

Chrissy, it's just a joke. For your information, I'm going home to take care

my son. I'm sorry, Harry.

We'll be up.

Hey, pal.

Now we know why women get cramps, right?

They deserve them.

Anyway,

it's great to be back in New York.

I like to pick up chicks late at night.

I got a great opening line.

Don't scream or I'll shoot.

Violence isn't funny.

It's sick.

Well, you know what? He doesn't really mean it. Hey, pal, I'm a single. I work

alone. Shut up.

Hey, Judge, how about we kill the house lights?

How about you kill us with some of your jokes?

All right.

Nice to see some black faces in the crowd.

You know what it says to me?

It says we better get more security around here.

Actually, I am security around here.

And I prefer African American to black.

So go ahead, potty man.

Okay. Fine.

What do they call an African -American in a suit and tie?

The defendant.

Roger, no. I know.

It's just part of the act. You didn't like that one?

All right, wait a minute. I got another one. What do you call an African

-American in uniform?

A veteran?

Well, yeah, that too, but...

See?

See, it's funny. The blind guy laughs.

I was just wondering if you look as stupid as you sound.

This isn't fair. I mean, my timing's all off, and this isn't my crowd.

Actually, this is your crowd, Monty.

We found most of these folks waiting in line to buy tickets to tomorrow night's

show.

Why are you persecuting me?

I'm an entertainer. I give the audience what they want.

What you give them is a feeling of superiority over other people.

It's satire. No, Monty.

Don't you see what's happening here?

You're feeding off the dark side of people, man.

And you know it's wrong.

Because it can't take the light.

Oh, come on.

You people...

It's all men's fun.

Well, I think the party man has learned to rationalize.

Let's say goodnight to him, huh?

Yeah, well, I guess you think you made some kind of big...

Ah, Judge.

Monty, if anyone made a point tonight, I would say it's you.

Oh, yeah, well, I got a big point for your mother next time I see your work in

the corner. How do you like that?

All right, wait.

You know something? I've been defending you all week long, saying that, well,

he's just poking fun at cultural differences.

But you're just a cheap shot artist and nothing more.

Yeah, you know why you don't like me?

Because you're a homo.

And all homos hate me.

I'm a what?

Oh, come on. It's obvious, pal. I mean, and anyone could see it. I mean, look at

his suit.

Exactly.

The poofy hair.

The only thing missing is a Judy Garland fan club button.

I bet you even like show tunes.

What?

I like show tunes.

And I don't like you.

Well, gotta go. Bye.

Well, I don't know about you folks, but I've had enough fanaticism for one

night, huh?

You're not gonna...