Original subtitles

Hey, Margaret, hot story?

Mm -hmm. Oh, the Meredith trial?

Mm -hmm. Did they reach a verdict yet? Mm -hmm.

Innocent or guilty?

Mm -hmm.

I can part my hair with my tongue.

Mm -hmm.

Nice talking to you.

Harry, I warmed her up for you.

Mm -hmm.

Hey. Hey.

Hot story? Hot judge.

Jack, if you could see this, you wouldn't believe it.

Margaret turns her nose up at Chateaubriand and then sinks her teeth

jerky.

Why is she pretending she isn't captivated by me?

Maybe she's not pretending.

Maybe she knows a real snake when she sees one.

Snake? Me? Come on. Oh, pose.

Drop it, building.

Hey, Jack, he was Canadian.

Hey, everybody, here's something.

Archaeologists have uncovered the sacred shrine of the Himalphrodites, an

ancient religion that practiced animal sacrifice, polygamy, and plate spinning.

Bet they threw some killer parties.

Expensive ones. Among the ruins was a 50 -foot gold statue of their god.

Hemophobe, picture page eight.

Hey, Bull, turn your head to the left.

Okay.

I don't believe it.

Will you look at that?

Uh -oh.

Do I have another wax nugget in my ear canal?

they became extinct.

Actually, according to the story, there's still two sects of

in the world. One lives in the ancient holy land of Himalphodonia.

See you later, magic man.

Nice -looking woman, huh?

Um, yeah, if you go for icebergs and power suits.

Well, it looks like old Harry's thought her out.

Only because I made it possible.

Well, look, I taught him how to dress, how to walk, how to talk.

I created him.

Then I gave him a bride.

Whoa, whoa, whoa. Wait a minute, Dr.

Frankenstein.

Are you saying that Margaret is a gift from you to Harry? Yes.

Or if we weren't friends, I would have taken it for myself.

I could now if I were so inclined.

Are you so inclined?

No. Of course not. What kind of friend do you think I am?

The kind who would seduce all four bridesmaids at his friend's wedding.

Only three were bridesmaids.

The other one was the bride's mother.

Behold, my children.

Hemophore has returned.

Looks like your flock is growing.

I don't get it. What do they want from me?

Probably the usual.

World peace, eternal happiness, the answers to all the mysteries of life.

I can't even figure out how my water pick works.

You wanted to see me, boss?

Yeah, Phil, listen. I've got some undercover work for you. You want me to

some high -level espionage?

No, I want you to sniff around Harry's girlfriend's garbage and see what you

dig up.

Thanks, boss. That's more up my alley.

All rise.

Criminal court part two is now in session.

The Honorable Harold T. Stone presiding.

Amen.

What the hell

was that?

Amen, sir. It's a word you hear just after deliver us from evil and just

past the Brussels sprouts.

I know that.

What's it doing in my courtroom?

And who are these cone people?

Allow me to explain, sir. Because of some pictures in a tabloid, these idiots

think the Tower of Stubble is God.

Blasphemer!

Bye, infidel!

Back it up, or you'll be taking a pilgrimage down the strip, sir.

horizons with some popular magazines of the day. We talking real money this

time, Fielding? No tokens, slugs, or buttons?

Cash on the barrelhead, my sightless friend?

So many choices.

Say, what did the lady just buy?

Well, let me see.

Uh, she took one of these and one of these.

Great, thanks. Here, five bucks. Keep the change. What change? It's $6 .50.

Hey, Jack.

What was that all about?

Fielding wanted the same magazines that Miss Turner bought.

So I sold them a Guns and Ammo and a Soldier of Fortune.

Margaret reads those things?

No. I over -ordered. I had to get rid of them somehow.

I can't get away from these people. They're driving me crazy.

Oh, you've got to confront them. Be honest. Tell them you're not who they

you are.

I think it doesn't work.

I've got a bazooka in my locker.

Look, I'm just an ordinary man.

I can't perform miracles. I can't part the Red Sea.

I can't cure the blind.

Watch this.

How many fingers, Jack?

I don't know, four.

Hallelujah!

Mission

accomplished,

boss.

You idiot, I said root through her garbage, not bring it here.

I guess I'm an overachiever.

L 'air du temps.

Ah, très chic. What else?

Sunset Pines Retirement Home.

She must be a scout for the obituary page. No, I checked it out.

She does volunteer work there.

Loves the old folks.

This is good, Phil. Is that it?

Nope. Oh, wait till you get a load of this, boss. I peeled this off a car.

Eye cleavage opera.

I didn't know you loved opera, boy.

I do now.

Oh, Phil.

This is my opening.

The woman wants me. She just doesn't know it yet. Oh, bosh. You're not going

try to steal the judge's girlfriend.

No.

I'm just going to take her to the brink of submission and drop her.

Probably with some tender speech about the cruelty of fate and how I'm always

destined to remain just out of her reach.

Margaret doesn't stand a chance.

Putty in my hands.

Brown bagging it today, Dan?

Hi, Mac, yes.

You idiot. I ordered extra crispy.

Yeah?

Sir?

A little word to the wise about a weasel.

Say what?

Dan is jealous of your relationship with Margaret.

No. Yeah.

Dan Fielding is jealous of me?

Uh -huh.

What are you doing, sir?

I'm basking.

Well, I hope this isn't a long bask because Dan is out to get Margaret, or

least to prove that he can.

Oh, come on, Mac. You have any evidence of that? Well, he's been following her

around. And I think he had Phil go through her garbage.

Phil goes through everyone's garbage.

It's his calling.

Okay, but don't say I didn't warn you. Now, Dan Fielding is low, but he's not

that low.

Of course.

Oh, Harry, great news.

Dan's taking us to the opera.

I can't believe how far Dan has taken this charade. I mean, this box must have

cost him a fortune.

Well, now, are you sure it's what you think it is, Harry? I mean, maybe Dan's

just being benevolent.

You're right.

I wonder what's keeping the little road apple.

His date is probably trying to decide what color tube top is right for the

occasion.

Now, how's he gonna seduce me if he's got a date with him?

Good evening.

Just a few more steps, dear.

You're an angel, Stan.

Dan.

Harry, Margaret, I'd like you to meet my good friend, Matilda.

Hello, Matilda.

Hi. Gee, Dan, you never mentioned Matilda before.

Well, Harry, there's a lot about me you don't know.

For instance, you know how I spend my Sunday mornings?

Buffing the scratch marks out of your ceiling?

What a crude remark, Harry.

Tell him, Matilda.

Every Sunday, this beautiful boy picks me up at the rest home and takes me out

for a lovely brunch.

How sweet.

I do volunteer work at rest homes, too.

You do?

Oh, what a coincidence.

Can we sit down already?

My corns are killing me. Well, then sit.

I wonder what she's saying.

Harry, you opera virgin, you.

This is the moment where the courtesan, Violetta, wonders if she's found her

true love in Alfredo, the handsome stranger who's been admiring her from

Perhaps it is he.

Van Fielding, I'm impressed.

So where's my 50 bucks?

You know, 20.

Now it's 50.

Unless you want your friends to know how you almost broke my hip dragging me out

of the bingo parlor.

Fine, fine, here.

How about you're away, you geriatric carpetbagger?

Phone call for Judge Stein!

That's Stone, isn't it?

That's fine.

Stone. Don't call her Judge Stone. Sounds important, Harry.

Starting.

Gee, I wonder who would be calling me here.

Dan, what are you doing?

I just believe a beautiful woman shouldn't be left alone under any

circumstances. What about Matilda?

She's napping. No, I'm not.

Go to sleep.

Isn't Maria Coppamaggio wonderful?

Oh, yes.

What range.

Oh, and just to think that she started her career at the tender age of 15.

In La Boheme, playing the role of continued on page 30.

Whoa, she's good.

Keeping my seat warm for me? Harry, where were you supposed... There was a

spider in my seat.

What luck, it's gone.

So who called?

Well, it was the strangest thing. This guy launched into this tirade of legal

mumbo -jumbo, and then I guess he got flustered because he asked if I had

Albert in a can, and then he hung up.

Stupid Phil.

Do I miss much? Oh, some wonderful singing and some lousy acting.

Dan,

are you okay?

Something in my throat. Maybe it's that spider.

hunting scent.

Ledger talk, isn't it? All right, where's the train seal that's been doing

that barking? Down there, with a drool on his chin.

Thank you.

And the mezzanine thanks you.

Did

you

know that La Traviata was first performed on March

6th, 1853.

Dan, your knowledge of opera is uncanny.

Opera's my life.

Okay, Dan.

Oh, um, thanks.

Thanks, Harry.

So far, I wonder what's next.

What's that, Matilda, you can't see?

I can see fine.

Except for those blurry objects on the stage. Oh, dear, dear, dear. I bet you

could use a pair of those rented opera glasses, huh? Harry, would you mind

renting... Here, Dan, way ahead of you. Borrow ours. Oh, uh, thanks.

Oops! Ow!

Shhh!

Clumsy, clumsy me.

Should have worn my sneakers.

But I've dropped in just one more time. Dan, you don't have to explain.

I know what you want.

You do?

Yes, and I'm thrilled because although I've never said it, I want you to.

You do?

Yes, more than you could possibly know.

Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes. I knew it. I knew you wanted me. Oh, Dan, I do.

Oh, and I, you, Margaret.

But alas, fate has dealt us a painful hand.

You're committed to Harry, and I shall always remain a fantasy forever, just

of your reach.

Not necessarily.

Wait, what?

Whoa, whoa, whoa, what about Harry? Oh, he means nothing to me.

I've only let him on, pining for you. Oh, Dan, how I've agonized.

Wait, no, no. I'm sure it wasn't me, Mark. It could have been anything. Bad

scallops. No, no, no. It's you, Dan. I need you.

I want you.

Dare I say it?

I love you.

What the hell is going on here?

My best girl.

My best friend.

And my favorite little old lady.

here for the money.

Harry, now, this isn't what it seems. No, he's right, Harry. It's much more

that. Dan and I are madly in love.

We are not.

My whole life is falling apart in front of me. No, wait, no, no, Harry, come on.

You're getting a little carried away. Let's sit down and talk this over like

friends.

Friends without knives!

Don't shoot!

He's got a knife.

This is where I get off.

Put my purse.

Harry, put the knife down.

Don't kill him, Harry.

I'm the she -devil. Take me.

She's right. It's all her fault.

She's a vixen.

And you love her.

But don't be ridiculous.

We're friends.

I never meant for it to go this far. I was just toying with her.

Just to see if I still had the touch.

I wish I could believe that. You can.

Try. Try.

No, Dan.

There's a pain deep in my heart.

And there's only one way.

And for what?

Just to prove that my days as a lady killer aren't over.

Ah, but they are.

Now I'm a judge killer.

And your blood shall forever stain my soul.

And I shall be exposed to the world for what I really am.

What might that be?

Thank you.

Pitiful fool.

Dan.

Now that you've said that, I can die a happy man.

In, say, maybe 40 years.

those fanatics would never leave. Now I can finally go home.

Sorry, big guy. The great one has finally emerged from his meditation.

Speak to us, oh hemophone.

You seem like such nice folks.

Let me level with you.

If you're looking for a god, you're looking in the wrong place.

Sorry.

Just as we were going to offer you a gift of your weight in gold.

Did he say my weight in gold?

He sure did.

Hey, wait a minute!

Wait a minute. Did you say God?

I'm sorry. I thought you said guard.