Original subtitles

You know, we really let Harry down last year. It was the first time none of us

showed up to his Halloween party.

Well, my idea of a good time doesn't include a midnight clam bake at a

crematorium.

Come on, Dan. You know that Harry's decorated his office. You know he spent

months coming up with an outrageous costume. It's the least we can do.

When will all this sucking up end?

I tell you, I wouldn't mind Halloween if it weren't for those stupid, scary

stunts Harry pulls every year.

Oh, boo -hoo -hoo. Why are you making such a big deal over a few harmless

pranks? Well, you would be scared, too, if he put a laughing skull in your

briefcase.

Dad, remember last year when you put live worms in our pasta salad?

Yeah, it tasted so bad I almost didn't finish it.

Could we just get this over with?

Okay, okay, everybody.

Hi,

guys.

I'd like to keep things moving tonight. I have a very special evening planned

with Margaret.

Wow, scary costume, sir.

Costume? Yeah, you're going trick -or -treating as yuppie scum, right?

Trick -or -treating? Oh, Halloween.

Oh, I get it. That's why you're in the crazy get -ups.

Real cute. Let's get to work.

Uh, no decorations, no costume. What's going on?

Well, come on, Christine.

Everyone outgrows that kind of silliness.

Eventually.

I don't get it. Oh, I do.

I do.

This is how he gets us to lower our guards. Then he sneaks up on us with one

those screwball pranks where you can bet I'm going to be watching my back.

I'm not nearly as dumb as I look.

At this exact moment.

Lizette, have you noticed we're dressed exactly alike?

Gee, the guy in the costume store said this was a one -of -a -kind outfit.

Costume store? Yeah, I'm going to a Halloween party after session.

Oh, and you're going as an upstanding member of the legal profession.

Oh.

I'm going as a high -class call girl.

Okay, Matt, call the next case, huh? Right.

The charge is assault.

People versus the spirit of death?

Death?

As in... death?

Yes, sir. You know, the deed of departure, the prince of passing, the

guy.

you outdone yourself this time, sir.

I had nothing to do with this, Mac. What's the story, Mr. Prosecutor? Well,

it's pretty cut and dry. Mr. Death here was arrested on the 57th Street bus

after allegedly approaching one Muriel Brown.

That's me, Your Honor.

It was terrifying.

I was just nodding off when all of a sudden I feel this strange hand right on

bursitis.

Ah, there's a lovely image.

Your Honor,

my client claims to be in charge of... This is really yucky.

Taking away all the departed souls in Lower Manhattan.

Yeah, I can clear this up in a second.

It was a clerical error.

I mistakenly thought it was her time to expire.

What led you to believe that it was her time to expire?

Because...

I'm the spirit of death.

What do you want, a picture ID?

That would help.

Well, I don't have one.

Look, I'm death.

There we go.

Everybody's down on the spirit of death again. What do we have to do to get some

respect around here?

We? You mean there are other spirits of death?

Oh! Oh, sure. There's ten guys that just handle goldfish alone.

You know, my neighbor has goldfish, and they've been keeping me up all night.

Oh, you need a long vacation.

Counsel's approached the bench.

Sir, I think our friend here is ready for some clay sculpting and tapioca

pudding.

I tend to agree. I'd like to find out who he is first. Christine?

All right, all right. I'll do an ID and record search.

Yes. See what you can dig up.

And cut it out.

Yes, master.

Sir, we're going to keep you around for a bit till we get some more information.

Oh, gee, I wish you wouldn't. I got a 10 .30 poison mushroom thing and an 11

freak bowling accident.

a drink, mister?

Happy Halloween, Bull.

How'd you know it was me, Jack?

The hot breath on the top of my head was a dead giveaway.

Well, as usual, my eyes are bigger than my stomach. Here, Mac. Want to finish my

salad?

Oh, you'd like that, wouldn't you?

What's in here?

Huh?

Rubber spider.

Exploding cucumber.

Mac, there's nothing in there but some lettuce and a few croutons.

Oh.

It's a decoy.

You put something in my sandwich.

Or my soda. Or my pie.

Ah, we're ahead of you this time, huh?

Guess what?

I'm not eating tonight.

I'll take your sandwich.

Give it on the pie.

Sort of looks good to me.

Excuse me, could I borrow the ketchup?

A little jumpy, Christine?

Oh, I can't help it. That spirit of... You know what, guys? I'm getting a

creeped. Every time I think about him, I get goosebumps all over my body.

Prove it.

Do you actually believe the Grim Reaper is some dip in a bad tuck?

Why is it every Halloween you people turn into a bunch of quivering children?

is just another day in fruitcake court.

Sorry, but I still think it's weird.

I'll tell you what's weird.

What's that, Art?

The bugs.

They sprayed here an hour ago, and they're still crawling around, mocking

very existence.

And we're worried about the guy downstairs.

Maybe you're using the wrong bug juice.

Same stuff that I always use.

They're just not dying, Your Honor.

They're just not dying.

Christine?

Boo!

Hey,

Your Honor, look what they gave me down in the morgue.

cookies, Your Honor.

I'm going to go back after a session and see if they have any leftovers.

Are you sure you should, Bull? They're pretty busy down there. Not tonight. The

place is dead.

That's the kind of place it is, big guy.

No, Your Honor. I mean, it's real quiet.

The slowest night they've had all year.

They haven't had a customer for hours.

Trick or treat.

Trick, baby.

But it's gonna cost you.

Yeah, Harry Stone.

Oh, hi, Margaret.

No. Now, why would they give you a story at this hour?

Oh, what news?

Oh, come on. Guys jump off the World Trade Center all the time.

He lived?

Guess that is news.

No, that's all right, sweetheart. I'll call you tomorrow.

Yeah, happy Halloween to you, too.

All right, could you have... What's the matter?

You're looking even squirrelier than usual.

Okay, I know this sounds crazy, but hear me out.

Art can't kill the bugs.

They're playing tiddlywinks down in the morgue, and some guy just did a half

-gainer from a skyscraper, and he lived.

So? So.

what if no one's dying because our friend Mr.

D can't get out and make his rounds?

Oh, Harry, just when I thought you were getting a life.

You've got a girlfriend?

Your face is clearing up really nicely.

You're wearing dockers?

Now is not the time to go prancing off into the Twilight Zone.

Okay, so how would you explain all this?

Coincidence. Believe me, nobody's not dying because you locked up some

You better hope not, Dan, because your obituary's in tomorrow's paper.

Uh -huh.

Oh.

Uh -huh. Okay, well, thank you.

Well, the guy who handles the old bits went home.

We won't be able to find out anything until morning.

Real convenient, huh, Harry?

Hey, don't look at me.

Oh, come on. This prank has Harry Stone written all over it.

No, no, really. I've gone legit.

Daniel Reinhold Fielding, a low -level employee with the Manhattan District

Attorney's Office, was found dead last night. Causes unknown.

Oh, my God.

Oh, please.

This is not about me.

Right. I'm sure there are a million Daniel Reinhold Fieldings in Manhattan.

Right.

Well, look at this thing. It's full of inaccuracies.

The aging, little -known prosecutor was discovered

in the lobby of the criminal courts building.

Investigators said Fielding was found with traces of clown makeup on his face

and a large ink stain on his body.

Oh, what luck.

The ink stain's only on your jacket.

Oh, my God. Oh.

My antique Jane Wyman disappearing bikini pen must have leaked.

I'm stained.

Harry, you are behind this, aren't you? This time it's not funny. I mean, at

least the exploding toilet seat had a momentary thrill.

Pass up, sir.

I swear, this is not one of my practical jokes.

This is getting creepy.

Insects won't die, the morgue's a ghost town, and Dan's obituary is in the

paper.

And it all started when you shackled the spirit of death.

Or it could be one big wacky coincidence.

Or, if that guy in holding is deaf and you let him out tonight, Dan could die.

I've got the keys.

Come on, Ross, this is serious.

Oh, Christine, grow up.

You can't seriously buy that morbid the geek thing, can you?

Can she, Harry?

I've always thought of death as something incomprehensible, unbounded,

Not some groping tom with a bus pass.

We can't let a couple of coincidences and our fear of the unknown shake our

sense of reason. Right, Dan?

right. All right.

Let's you and me go down and talk to that guy.

Not on your life.

Fine.

I'll go face death alone.

While you're down there, tell him to say hello to Jimi Hendrix.

All right, death, or whatever the hell your name is, I want some straight

answers out of you. Because frankly, this does not feel like a gag anymore.

Now, you can be a spirit, or you can be a spook, or you can be the headless

horseman of Sleepy Hollow. But around here, mister, I'm the law. And you're

going to stay in there as long as I want you in there. So you give me a good

reason why I should let you go.

Simple. I'm part of nature.

The cycle of destruction and rebirth.

You have to let me out.

And if I don't? People will miss their appointed times if they haven't already.

There'll be a terrible backlog.

So if I let you go, certain people go with you. If it's their time.

If it's not, they stay.

Let's take you, for example.

When you had rheumatic fever as a child, I didn't come.

Because I knew it wasn't your time.

You have to trust me, Harry.

So you really are deck, huh?

Great. Could you zap this tick in my hair?

You

okay,

Your Honor? You look like you've had a close encounter.

Close enough.

Our friend downstairs knew that I almost died of rheumatic fever when I was ten.

Now follow me on this. If...

He is who he says he is.

And if I'm keeping him from doing his job, then when I let him go, Dan could

done for.

Now, can I really take that chance?

Everybody takes that chance every day, Harry.

When you're walking down the street or driving in a car, flying in a plane or

changing the bulb in a light you forgot to shut off.

When it's your time to go, it's your time to go.

I guess so.

What would you do if this was your obituary?

That man would stay locked up until he was too old to recognize him.

Harry.

I've got nothing to hold him on, but I can't let him get his hands on Dan.

Harry. Maybe I could hold him long enough just to give Dan a head start.

know, give him a fighting chance. Or maybe he'll forget it. Maybe there's a

statute of limitations. Harry, that won't be necessary. The man has a name.

Michael Thomas.

Not death. He's a doctor at Westside Hospital. That is until he disappeared.

No one knows why he left.

I think I might.

Dan, what the hell are you doing?

climb down to the street on that rope.

That way I never go through the lobby. The prophecy can't be fulfilled. I won't

die.

Oh.

Well, not necessarily.

The, uh, old bit didn't say you died in the lobby.

You were just found in the lobby.

What do you think happened to me?

I don't know.

Maybe they found you splattered in the street and carried your body into the

lobby.

I never thought of that.

All right, that's it. From now on, nobody touches my body.

What's that?

Dan Fielding.

I'd like to apologize for my behavior tonight.

You were very upset.

It's not every night you meet death.

Oh, don't worry. It's a natural reaction.

Imagine if you woke up to see the tooth fairy sticking a quarter under your

pillow. You never left me more than a dime.

Oh, don't worry. I'll talk to her. We have the same dry cleaner.

Thank you.

You know, it occurs to me that you and I have something in common, too.

Yeah? Yeah, something about how we affect the destiny of others.

I guess you're right.

Although you've got it easy. I mean, when you put them in jail, they know

there's an out.

Where I take them, it's a one -way ticket.

They never seem to understand that I'm there to help.

Okay.

Why don't you explain it to me?

I'm there to let them know they're headed in the right direction.

That things are as they should be.

I relieve pain and suffering.

Something wrong with that?

Not a thing.

Besides, if we all lived forever, where would you park?

Good point.

You're very dedicated, aren't you?

I want to help.

So did Dr. Thomas.

You knew him?

Oh, man, what a loser.

Yeah, he tried and he tried, but he couldn't get it through his head that he

couldn't stop me.

You know, I took quite a few of his patients.

And they're in a better place now.

Wonder, uh, wonder what ever happened to him.

My guess would be that he saw too much pain and suffering and he couldn't take

it. Well, can you blame him?

I mean, what's the point, huh?

Years of education and, uh...

decades of practice and thousands of dollars of equipment, and you know...

In the end, all he could do was postpone the

inevitable.

Doctors and judges aren't gods.

Sometimes we want to help and we can't. But I can.

I can let them know they're going to a better place and that they're not going

alone.

No one should be alone.

I know a place full of people that need help.

They're confused and frightened.

Some of them have suffered losses so great that their sense of reality has

thrown for a loop.

They're not sure who they are or what they should be doing with their lives.

They must be very lonely.

Oh, yeah.

You think maybe I could spend some time there?

I could help.

I bet you could.

You recognize my rheumatic fever?

Well, I could tell that from your complexion.

I guess some things just stick with you, huh?

I'm going to get the ball rolling.

Your Honor.

Yeah. You made it all much easier.

Hell, you made my Halloween.

Wow, Dan, Dan, you look happy for a man who's at death's door.

Listen. Finally realized I have no reason to worry. I am on my way to my

I'm going to lock the door. As long as I stay in there, I'll never get smeared

with clown makeup.

Hey! Somebody stop that clown!

Dan,

you're covered in clown makeup.

Just one thing before you die.