Original subtitles

Paul, could you pass the salt, please?

Just a second, Christine. I'm not sure if it's socially apropos.

Oh, no.

Passing salt is fine.

It's gas they have a problem with.

Paul, I think it's sweet that you're brushing up for the charity banquet.

Well, you know, it is my first formal party.

It's the only party you've ever been invited to that didn't have balloon

animals.

Well, Bull, if you want to get involved, you could always participate in the

bachelor auction.

Oh, come on. You'd really have to be an egomaniac to do that.

I'm walking to my bio for the bachelor auction.

They want me to describe myself in 50 words or less.

What would you say is my most outstanding trait? My true love of the

or the fact that I can dial the phone with my tongue.

Dan, I can't believe that some woman's going to pay big money to go out with

you. Yeah, Dan, isn't it usually the other way around?

Well, Christine, you're going to miss one hell of an evening.

What makes you think we're going to miss it?

Well, I figured with the baby and all.

Roz, Tony and I are going to be there. We're going to celebrate. It's our first

night out since the baby. Besides, I feel perfectly secure with a sitter.

You?

Secure?

What, you don't think I'm so nervous that I couldn't trust a sitter for one

night, do you?

Christine, you had the FBI do a background check on your pediatrician.

Okay.

Admittedly, I was a little neurotic at first, but I've become much more

of strangers.

And who might this stranger be?

Well... My Aunt Claire from Buffalo.

I'm just flying her in for the night.

I guess there's nothing neurotic about airlifting a sitter.

So it, uh, sounds like everybody but me is being invited to the shindig.

Oh, come on, Jack, don't feel bad.

The chief DA is only inviting officers of the court and very close friends.

Geez, I thought I was pretty intimate with the guy.

After all, do I not sell him his dental floss?

Top of the evening to you, mes amis.

Hello, sir.

I take it you and Margaret spent another day in bliss?

Oh, you know we did. We spent the whole day at a Mel Torme film festival.

Mel Torme made movies?

Not just movies, Bull.

Classics. You never heard of Walk Like a Dragon, Pardon My Rhythm, Higher and

Higher? I've heard all those phrases, just never in relation to movies.

There appears to be a lull in the conversation.

Let's see.

Appropriate conversational topics at dinner include expressing interest in

dining companions and current events.

So, Roz, getting any lately?

Gee, Lisette, you know, I've never really looked at the people in our

before. Gosh, they're a handsome bunch.

The view must be different from up there.

Yeah, the world's a pretty wonderful place, Lisette.

It's your new girlfriend, isn't it?

Ah, you read me like a book.

I've never met a woman like Margaret before. I mean, she's... Right, and

funny. And she's got the cutest little mole.

That's pretty personal, sir.

No, is that a mole? You know, those furry little animals live in a cage?

I just never noticed before how cute those critters are.

Sir, I think we've spent enough time smelling the roses for the day. How

moving on?

Yeah, let's. Who's next on my dance card, Mac? People versus Roxanne

Yes, Your Honor, Miss Reynolds continues to prove that a good man isn't hard to

find.

She was arrested in the public library for solicitation.

She was merely browsing the shelves, Your Honor.

Ah, yes.

Miss Reynolds and a fellow bookworm were discovered in the American Playwrights

section, engaged in a rather unusual second act.

What can I say, Judgey? I'm a pushover for drama.

He's a pushover for anybody with bus fare.

Sorry, Rox, it sounds like game, set, and match. Ah, uh, speaking of match,

I hear that, uh, Cupid has been using you for target practice.

Yeah, getting a pretty high score, too.

Oh, gosh, what a lucky broad to have found such a compassionate and fair man

like you, your honor.

The flattery's... but you still pay the price. $100 fine.

And let's munch on lunch, people.

Um... Here's the camera you wanted, boss.

I gotta run. The guys at the morgue have some free shoes for me.

Get back here.

The auction program goes to press at midnight, so if my picture's going to be

it, you're gonna have to take it.

Well, I don't know, boss.

The past few years...

My, um, sense of composition seems to have deserted me.

There's a linch -free Twinkie in it for you.

Whoa! Suddenly it's back!

Uh, this just in. Your Aunt Claire called from Buffalo. She's got the flu.

Oh, great.

Oh, Mac, I've been looking forward to this for weeks.

Well, off now.

Unless...

I can get my Aunt Nettie to fly in from Pawtucket.

Christine, look, look, I'll tell you what.

Why don't you leave Little Charlie with me and Kwan Lee? We're experienced

parents, and you don't have to pick us up at LaGuardia.

Oh, Mac, no, I couldn't. No, it's okay. We're not going anywhere.

Last time I took Kwan Lee to an auction, she shooed away a fly, and we ended up

paying $300 for a hog clacker.

What's a hog clacker?

I'd pay another $100 to find that out.

I don't know.

Christine, look, our house is childproof.

Draw locks, outlet covers, rubber silverware.

Any scary clown dolls? He doesn't like scary clown dolls.

Neither does my little Renee.

Now, Christine, you and Tony just go have your special night out.

Oh, Mac. Oh, thank you so much. I can't tell you what this means to me. How can

I ever repay you?

Well... You wouldn't want to buy a hall clacker, would you?

Okay, um, give me pensive.

Uh, give me debonair.

Um, give me eager.

A little less tongue on the eager, boss.

Oh, great.

The camera loves, boss. We're getting gold here. Fine, fine, fine, Phil. How

many more?

Well, it's up to you, boss. Um, tell me when you want me to put in the film.

It looked like somebody spent their lunch hour shopping.

Yeah, by the time I get all this paid off, my kid will be collecting Social

Security.

What'd you get?

Ah, new dress, new shoes, new silk stockings, new... things only husbands

see. I'm a husband?

Mac.

Well, I'm sure you'll be the best -dressed woman at the auction.

Thank you, Mac.

I'm counting on this night to be really special.

Yeah, it's not every day you get a chance to see old Dan Fielding get sold.

Sorry, I'm gonna miss it.

Well, actually, I was talking about Tony and me.

See, well, we've been having a few little problems.

Oh, yeah?

Yeah, well, I mean, Tony and I never really had any time to get to know each

other. I mean, between the day we got married and the day we became parents,

had all of three hours together.

But they were three great.

Yeah, you guys did jump in pretty fast.

Yeah. And the more I get to know Tony, the more I realize how incredibly

different we are.

Well, Christine, you know, sometimes it takes work to find that common ground,

but you'll get there.

I hope so.

Oh, yeah. You know, Kwan Lee says, a good marriage is like a flower.

It looks pretty growing wild in the field and just as beautiful sitting

a vase.

Not so sweet.

What does it mean?

Beats the hell out of me.

Mel, Mel, Mel.

We've been together for a long time, guy.

You sitting there watching me work.

Me working there, watching you sit.

You're the best, man.

Your version of mountain greenery, oh, it's almost as good as being in love.

Nah.

Mel, meet Margaret.

Good night, Mel.

Wow.

That's quite a step.

I mean, after all, you've only known Margaret a few weeks.

Yeah, but things are building up steam.

Still, there is something to be said for long courtships.

Really? As I recall, you set the land speed record for going from dating to

parenthood? Well, just because I'm a record holder doesn't mean I got the

medal.

Is there something wrong?

Well, actually, there is something on my mind.

If you had a minute, maybe I thought we could... Oh, Christine?

Good. Listen, I need a woman's opinion.

Unless being a mommy has lost up your sexual instincts.

No, they're just fine.

I still find you repulsive.

Okay. No, Harry, it's okay. Never mind. Forget it. Nothing.

Well, Harry, I guess you'll have to do. Which picture do you think I should use

for the auction program?

Well, winsome and delectable are good.

A little too much tongue on eager.

I guess elegance personified is the winner. Ah, Harry, the girl who buys me

the winner.

What's this?

Oh, I found a wrinkle in chapter four.

Never borrow anything from friends without returning it immediately after

Remember that sneezing fit I had in 1983?

You know, I just love a guy in formal wear.

It's like a package just waiting to be unwrapped.

Well, if I'd known it had that effect on you, I would have rented one of these a

lot earlier.

Why don't you two just rent a room before you spontaneously combust?

Tony's still not here?

Yeah, he said he was getting off duty at 7. He'd be here by 8.

Maybe you should call him.

Oh, no, it's okay.

He's probably on his way. You know, Tony's not used to wearing formal

He's probably trying to figure out what color socks to wear with his black tux.

Wow, Bo, that is quite a getup.

Quote, proper attire can transform even the average man into a man of style and

grace. Unquote.

Where's the chow?

Hi. Dan Fielding.

Number nine in your scorecard.

Number one in your heart.

Saved me money. I'm worth it.

Excuse me.

Number nine.

While a formality.

Call me nine.

I've been reading your bio.

Nine. Very impressive.

Attorney.

Environmentalist. Poet.

I think that I shall never see a poem.

Lovely as a tree. A tree whose hungry mouth is pressed upon the earth's sweet

flowing breast.

You didn't write that.

Oh, but I remembered it, didn't I?

Very impressive.

Ow!

Not bad.

Keep your hands off the merchandise, Grandma.

Tight little butt and frisky, too.

like you.

Go soak your teeth.

Well, I see you've met Mrs.

Fostmuller. Who?

The old butt squeezer you just blew off.

You know her? Yeah.

I used to work the society beat for a while. She's a real mover and shaker.

she hosted a croquet party, they gave her Shea Stadium.

She gets what she wants.

And I'd say she wants you.

Gotta go. Bye.

I think he didn't get worried.

Well, maybe he couldn't get off work.

Maybe his car broke down.

Maybe he stuck his head in a tuba to find out where the sound comes from and

had to wait until the fire department arrived to pry him loose.

But that's just a guess.

That happened to you, didn't it?

That's why I was late.

I think I will give him a call.

Uh, Ross, can I have a word with you?

As long as it's not Len.

Listen, if an old crone named Fost Mueller makes a bid on me, I want you to

outbid her.

Stan, you're putting the fix in on a charity event.

That's unethical.

I'll give you a hundred bucks.

I'm sorry, Dan. I have higher standards.

Two hundred.

Higher standards.

Three hundred.

That ought to ease my conscience. All right, look.

Here's a blank check to bid with. Be careful how much you spend. I've only

$800 left in that account.

How will I know the old bag?

I'll signal to you like this.

All right? Try to keep the bidding low.

That should be easy, considering the merchandise.

Any luck?

Well, the good news is Tony's safe.

The bad news is Tony's safe at home.

He won't be joining us this evening.

It seems that the Mets have gone into extra innings.

Eligible bachelor is a stockbroker and amateur gourmet cook.

Ladies, Dennis Rogers.

Gosh, Christine's been gone for more than half an hour.

I hope she's okay.

I'm gonna go look for her.

75.

Ooh, hey, hot stuff, are you for sale? Sorry, I have mine on extended lease.

Christine?

You okay?

Is there anything you want to talk about?

No. I want another drink.

Do you think you've had enough? I'll tell you when I've had enough, Harry.

201. Another fresca? Neat.

Besides, really, what is there to talk about?

Tony obviously thinks that the Mets are more important than our marriage. No big

deal.

Up next is a face you'll all recognize, ladies.

He does the weather at 6 and 11 on Channel 3.

He's New York's own mass of high pressure.

Dr. Bob.

You know, Christine, it is just one night.

Oh, I know, I know. One insignificant night that was very important to me.

But if Tony doesn't want to be here, fine.

We'll just have fun on our own.

Won't we, Roz?

Uh -huh.

Wow, I bid $800.

Roz,

I had no idea that you were so charitable.

Well, we each have to do our part, Harry. And I believe charity begins at

you're going to experience a storm front tonight you'll never forget.

At least someone's happy.

Our next bachelor is an assistant district attorney who calls himself a

all seasons and all reasons. Ladies, Mr. Dan Fielding.

I would just like to say that I fully support the work of this organization,

I am proud to partake in this cause.

Oh, and by the way, I've had an erogenous zone named after me.

Let the bidding begin.

Do I hear $50?

$75. Yeah.

$76.

No.

$100.

$101.

Ross.

$110.

$111.

125. 126.

Rose.

Rose. She's not here.

She bought Dr.

Bob.

What?

150.

151. 175.

176. This is a nightmare. Not only is she ancient, she's cheap.

Is it asking too much to give up one night to make me happy?

Doesn't he know? I need a little attention every once in a while.

$400.

$401.

$420.

$421.

Come on, go for it. She's probably going to tie me to her walker.

$450.

Yeah.

Why is it that when women tell a man she's going to meet him halfway, she

up meeting him three quarters?

$171. No problem here. She's just had a little too much fresca.

What are you looking at?

You would do the same thing if your husband stood you up for Mickey Miller.

550.

551.

650.

651.

711.

And two.

Men are so screwed up.

Margaret, when's the last time you greeted your best friend with, Hey, how

doing? Or when's the last time you unbuckled your pants after a big meal?

Or when's the last time you left the toilet seat up? You said it, sister.

702, going once.

Please.

Hence, they have to unwind after a long day at work. Well, you know what? Women

have long days at work, too, and all they get to unwind is the vacuum cord.

Christine, settle down.

Let it go, Harry. We deserve better than that.

702, going twice.

Let's just say that last night the barometric pressure hit an all -time

Can I sit down?

Oh, I'm sorry. Am I in the woman part of the cafeteria?

Harry, I was upset last night. I'm sorry. I let things get a little out of

Yeah, I'd say leaving the room in a chorus of I am woman was a little over

top.

Christine, if you're having problems with Tony, that's nothing to be

about. I'm sure you two are going to work out everything.

Well, we're trying, but we don't seem to get anywhere. It's so frustrating.

Well, I'm here if you need someone to talk to.

Thank you, Harry.

But I guess Tony's the one I need to talk to.

Where's my 800 bucks, traitor?

There's more than 800 here.

Dr. Bob made a matching donation.

The man gives till it hurts.

And how was your evening, Dan?

Do you have any idea what it's like to be out in public with a woman who looks

like Eleanor Roosevelt?

I had no idea someone with osteoporosis could run that fast.

You want to hear the worst part?

I liked it.

Thank you.