Original subtitles

Whoa, something smells like it died and went to hell in here.

Yeah, I smell it too.

Must be coming from the kitchen.

It isn't.

How do you know, Walt?

Because I just tried to order it.

If my old schnoz is correct, and it usually is, the offending aroma is

from your table.

The right corner.

Somebody has a fish in their possession.

I believe it is a carp.

It's not a carp. It's a trout.

Mac, what are you doing with a dead fish around your neck?

Come on, Christine.

A live fish would flop around too much.

Last night...

Quan Li saw a bad omen in my rice.

And in her village, when you have bad luck, they make you wear a fish because

they feel it possesses spiritual qualities.

I possess the ability to toss a man 20 feet.

I'll get rid of it.

Hey, Huck.

Hi, guys.

Hi, Harry. What you got there, sir?

Two useless scraps of paper.

The municipal conga till you capsize boat party.

The lieutenant governor schmooze cruise?

I would kill for those tickets.

That sounds like a fun party. What's the problem?

Can't find a date. Every girl I ever went out with is busy that night.

Well, maybe they're all going to a party someplace, like in a phone booth.

Harry, any woman would love to go to this thing, even with you.

Use the tickets.

It's not that easy, Dan.

I mean, I got these just a couple of days ago. How do they expect a guy to

a date on that short of notice?

What were they thinking?

Tickets! Where?

Cruise. When? Saturday.

Time? Eight. Here? Sixteen. Okay.

This is not the Dark Ages. Now, I'm not wearing a fish because you saw a vision

in your soy sauce.

But, Mac, it wasn't just that. I also had a dream.

In the dream was a one -eyed monkey who was there to warn you of danger and a

three -legged yak who was there to warn you of evil. And then there was Mel

Gibson.

What was he doing there?

Wait. Maybe that was another dream.

Look, I'm dumping the fish, okay? Nothing's gonna happen.

Registered letter for you from the IRS.

Huh?

I'll go get the fish.

Margaret Turner, New York Journal. Mind if I use your phone?

What do I care? I'm being audited.

Christine, am I attractive to women?

Oh, you are to me.

Of course, this woman's married now.

No, it's a rhetorical question.

Oh, well, in that case, I find you cute as a button, sir.

Well, if I'm cute as a button, how come I'm a one -date wonder?

Oh, come on, Harry.

Don't worry, you'll find your special someone. It just takes time.

And as Mel Torme always says, love is just around the corner.

Thank you. I'll try to keep that in mind.

And, Miss Sullivan?

Yes, sir.

Don't ever sing.

But don't forget, good things happen when you least expect them.

Another crackdown on those lowlife street musicians.

Look, I'm on a deadline here. I got a story to file by midnight, a four

due in the morning, and a heartburn so bad you could fry an egg on my chest.

Look, Ralph, if that photographer's not here in five minutes, just send me over

a box of Crayolas, okay, kid?

Never mind. He's here.

For future reference, better late than never is only a figure of speech.

Well, where's your gear?

I don't think I'm who you think I am. Oh, fine. Let's wait some more time. Who

do you think you are?

Get those bail reports you wanted, Your Honor.

Your Honor?

Sort of a nickname.

I'm Harry... Stone.

I am so sorry I didn't know who you were, but I've only just started

this courthouse. I'm Margaret Turner of the Journal, and you see, the reason I

was using your office is because they're remodeling the press room. Hammer,

saws, dust.

Anyway, I just assumed you were the photographer, but of course I was wrong,

I'm sorry, and I'm leaving.

Your Honor.

No, wait.

Yes? Stay and use my phone. Really? Great.

No problem.

I'm a great admirer of the press.

Yo, Ralphie, false alarm. Still no photographer.

I used to have a paper route. And once I got you on the phone, what's the deal

with burying my story next to Betty's bridge tips?

I sold grit.

Judge, don't.

Yeah? Close the door on your way out.

Yeah, yeah.

I just met the girl of my dreams in there.

Then how come you split?

She threw me out.

Even in his dreams, he gets the shaft.

Now, on September 23rd of last year, we had dinner at Sardi's where we discussed

that new filing system, right?

No, Mac, you're mistaken.

On September 23rd, I was in the Poconos having a full body wrap.

Look, look, just forget it, okay? I'm just going to be honest with them. I

nothing to hide.

I don't know why they're picking on me anyway.

Well, you did trash the trout.

That fish had nothing to do with it.

Look, just drop it, okay?

My luck's no worse than anybody else's.

Let me guess. Those are for that reporter you've been going on about

rest of us want to vomit.

Yeah, ain't she something special?

So, you're finally going to ask her out?

You bet.

Oh, of course. What professional, sophisticated woman could resist a

bouquet and a gag newspaper?

I think she might like it. It shows a boyish charm and a certain inexpensive

sense of fun.

Oh, yeah.

All women love cheap, immature men.

Harry, here's your chance.

Chuck Stone, nice to see you.

Harry, it's okay.

Miss Turner?

See you later.

They're right.

Love is a many -splendored thing.

She didn't even notice me. I might as well forget it. Margaret's never going

date me. I'm just going to...

grow old alone and end up eating frozen waffles and watching endless hours of

cable TV.

He's whining and sulking.

A sad judge is a slow judge. He may not have a life, but we still do.

We've got to put a stop to this.

Harry!

Harry!

You know, it just occurred to me in all the years

we've known each other, I have rarely... done anything for you strictly out of

kindness.

Rarely?

How about never?

I visited you in the hospital, didn't I? I even stopped by the gift shop, bought

you that watch.

You put it on my room bill.

Insurance paid for it. What's the problem?

What's the point?

I want to help you score the scribe in the skirt.

Stan, that's not what I'm looking for. Yeah, well, no, I know what you want.

want to establish a solid, meaningful relationship kind of thing.

Exactly. Well, who better to help break the ice than me?

Almost anybody.

Thanks, but no thanks.

Yeah, you're right.

Oh, you better hurry up. Andy of Mayberry comes on the Superstation in

minutes.

I can help you.

I'll think about it.

You look great.

Until you walk.

What's wrong with the way I walk?

You have to move in such a way... You have... How shall I say this?

Walk like a man.

Walk into a room like a king entering his castle, like a lion entering his

Like a clown entering the center ring.

Attitude check.

Observe. The walk.

Right.

You try.

That was much better. Now, let's move on to the look.

The look?

a stroke.

Relax,

relax. Look takes practice.

All right, let's do this.

Let's work on asking for the date. Oh, I got that all worked out. I figured I

would break the ice with this.

Oh, Harry, don't do that.

Why not, Dan? A lot of women find magic fascinating.

A lot of women find the elephant man fascinating. That doesn't mean they want

get naked with him.

All right, let's try this.

I'll be Margaret. You be the new Harry.

Oh, Dan, I have had enough. This is ridiculous.

The girl of your dreams, Harry.

The girl of your dreams.

Okay, okay.

Remember the walk.

And the look.

Margaret, I was... Stop, you sound desperate.

Look. Harry, Margaret's an aggressive woman. When aggressive women want

something, they go for it. Now, stand and command.

Margaret, I... I said command.

All right, try it again. This time, drop your voice about three octaves.

Come on, tiger.

Fine, Dan, I'll do it your way. When Margaret comes in, I'll say, Margaret,

tonight. You, me, be there.

Okay.

use your phone?

You keep that up through dinner, and you're home free.

So, are you ready for your big date with the IRS?

Yep, it's all here.

Nothing to worry about.

Oh, sure. What's the worst thing that could happen?

On the downside, they could throw you in jail. But on the upside, you might

learn a new skill.

Mag, would you like my lucky four -leaf clover?

It's in there somewhere.

Thanks, but no thanks. I don't need a clump of dirt to bring me good luck.

Just do me a favor.

Fertilize it twice a week.

Now remember, stick to the plan.

You be the king.

What's going on here?

I got a date with Margaret.

And you're taking dating advice from Dan?

Well, it's not exactly advice. You know, just some fashion tips and some dining

suggestions and a complete change of personality.

He thinks I need to be more aggressive.

What do you think?

I think Harry Stone is a sweet, lovable, warm, fun guy.

I wouldn't change a thing.

You're right.

You're right.

These clothes aren't me.

Although I'm beginning to enjoy the silk underwear.

I mean, if Margaret can't accept me for who I am, then maybe this thing just

wasn't meant to be. Good for you, sir.

Hi, Christine.

Hi.

Ready, Harry?

I was born ready, babe.

What did you think of the handsome cab ride through Central Park?

Well, at first it seemed nice, but when you demanded that the driver go faster

and he snapped his whip and the horse reared up and nearly flipped us over, it

began to lose its charm.

Do you have a reservation?

Fine. Follow me, please.

I'll have my usual table.

Of course.

Is this it?

Yes.

One whole dollar.

Yes, enjoy your meal, whoever you are.

Here we go. Oh, no, outside here. I always like to sit facing the room so I

see what's going on.

The action all here, doll.

You know, you seem entirely different away from work.

I do my best work after hours.

What's with the eyebrows?

Do you have a tick or something?

I'll order for both of us. I can do that myself. No, no need, no need. We'll

start with the Grand Marnier Farfadet. Sir, you're ordering from the dessert

menu.

I know that.

Let's see what wine goes well with chocolate.

You know, I... Can't decide between the chicken cordon bleu or the duck a l

'orange. She'll have the chicken. I'll have the duck.

Would madam like soup or salad?

Soup. Salad.

Rice pilaf or lyonnaise potatoes?

Both? Neither.

Would you like a cocktail before dinner?

No.

Did I mention that I'm the youngest judge in the history of the state?

Yes, I think I remember you mentioning it a few hundred times.

Did I mention how I got the appointment?

Yes, you had to fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight, fight.

Right.

Would you like to go hunting with me sometime?

Excuse me, Harry, I have to powder.

Or something.

God, I feel like an idiot.

I can't be what I'm not, and she doesn't like what I am.

Tell the lady I had to leave.

This should cover the meal.

Okay.

I really hate to bother you, but suddenly I'm just not very hungry

should cover our dinner, and if you could tell my friend that I had to

thank you.

Hey, did you pass your audit, or are you going to be slow dancing with the boys

in Attica?

No, no, it went fine, just like I thought. And you know something? I did

without any fish or four -leaf clovers.

You see, Ross...

You either let fate control you or you control fate. I mean, I'm not the kind

man who will let superstition dictate my life.

Well, good for you.

See ya.

What he doesn't know won't hurt him.

Yeah. I just came to get my computer.

Sure.

Pressure's all finished. It looks great. There's new couches, ceiling fans,

plenty of phones.

Great.

Well.

Margaret.

I'm sorry about last night. The walking out and all. I was way out of line. I'm

sorry, too. I just couldn't help it. You were a...

A bit overbearing, and I didn't think you were like that.

I'm not like that.

You were last night.

Well, that's only because that's the way I thought you wanted me to be.

Why would you think that?

Because you never even noticed me until I ordered you to go out on a date.

I always noticed you.

You did? Yes, you just never asked me out before, and I really wanted you to.

You did?

Harry, I was really looking forward to last night.

I just wanted to relax and have fun. You know, I don't seem to do much of that

anymore.

I live in this world filled with stress, pressure, and deadlines, and it's

really getting to me.

I need some lightness.

I need some laughter. I need some fun.

Harry, I need a life.

So do I.

Sounds strange coming from a guy who just last night said there's no greater

thrill than racing his Lamborghini on the Autobahn.

That guy last night, that wasn't me.

This is me.

That's adorable.

I love magic.

You know, if you had been there last night, I wouldn't have walked out.

You didn't walk out. I walked out. No, you didn't. I walked out. No, I walked

out. No, I did.

You mean we both walked out?

Great first date, huh?

First date?

Are you suggesting another?

Maybe this time we can walk out together.

See, I knew it would work.

The walk, the look, the feeling, the stick.

That's it, Harry.

Take control.

I will, Dan.

Get out.

Who was that?

That was the guy you went out with last night.