Original subtitles

Is Christine here yet?

Nope. Do any minute. Great. Here's the cake.

To Frankie Scissors, welcome back from the joint. Thanks for taking the rap.

Uh -oh. Must have got the cakes mixed up.

Well, it's a thought that counts. Christine's going to adore it.

Well, I sure hope Frankie Scissors adores it when his cake says, we wove

widow mommy.

We need balloons.

Hey, Jack.

Hey, yourself, Judge Harry.

You happen to have any balloons back there?

Balloons?

Well, let me take as the saying goes, a shot in the dark.

Balloons.

Balloons.

Hey, here we go.

What's this?

Balloons. That's what I'm looking for.

How much?

I don't know. How does $2 sound?

Sounds fine.

Here you go.

Two bucks for a pack of stale licorice.

I love guilt.

Good evening, friends.

I am psyched for a spectacular evening.

Yeah, it'll be great to have Christine back.

Christine, what do you mean?

Oh, yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah, that's nice, too. No, what I'm talking about is the

date of a lifetime tonight.

You ever hear of a multimillionaire named Herbert W. Meyerson?

You're dating a man?

Hurry, he's dead.

You're dating a dead man?

No. Angelica, his very merry widow. Picture this. A night of passion on

sea, and air. Tonight, Meyerson Industries helicopter, yacht, and hotel

are at our disposal.

God bless corporate America.

Oh, I almost forgot. Another phone message from Donna.

Who is this Donna? She's been calling all week. She never leaves her phone

number. Doesn't she know I require a photo and resume?

She's coming! She's coming! Quick!

Everybody hide!

And be real quiet, okay?

Oh,

man.

I can't believe it. This dingy old courthouse.

Filled with the dregs of humanity hasn't changed a bit.

Boy, have I missed it.

Yeah, the dregs have missed you, too.

So, where's Bull?

Bing, Bull.

I missed my cue, didn't I?

Surprise.

So, what's in the bag?

Probably baby pictures.

endless monotonous baby pictures, which I can't wait to see.

Come on, Dan. Tony and I are not the kind of parents to bore our friends with

snapshots. I have, however, put together a video retrospective

entitled Charles Otis Giuliano, the movie.

I have copies for everyone.

So, tell me how much you missed me.

Oh, we missed you so much.

Guess the place just kind of fell apart without me, huh?

Well, yeah. I got to tell you, the thought of facing that mountain of

paperwork has got me truly frightened.

Well, no need to be frightened. Good old Ted took care of it.

Good old Ted?

Yeah, your replacement from legal aid.

Oh, he was good, huh?

What?

Define good.

Oh, efficient, punctual, prepared.

Handsome. Smart.

Compassionate. Funny.

Generous. He gave us all watches.

I see.

Ah, well, I have to pack on a lot of videos, so, uh, you'll excuse me.

There seems to have been a merry mix -up.

Frankie Scissors wants his cake.

Uh -huh.

So, um, I don't have to bring anything?

You pack the fins and the masks?

And the tear -away wetsuits?

Angelica, you give new meaning to the term synchronized swimming.

Till tonight, my little mermaid.

Well, it seems some things never change.

Hot date, Dan?

Blazing, torrid, scorching.

Who's the victim? Don't know. Haven't seen her yet.

What, a blind date? Oh, come on. Who do you trust enough to set you up?

What? Just say a friend?

Good old Ted.

Oh, God. No.

Do you know what my replacement, Mr. Perfect, did? He got me this beautiful,

expensive fruit basket. Can you imagine?

Well... Not to mention this watch.

Yeah, I know. He even re -alphabetized my Rolodex, and he reupholstered my worn

-out sofa, and I don't like it.

He did, however, choose a nice, durable fabric.

Aren't you overreacting?

Sure. There is a Ted sandwich on the menu in the cafeteria.

It's not as delicious as everyone says.

Why is this bugging you so much?

I don't know, sir.

I've been looking forward to coming back for weeks, thinking that, I don't know,

maybe I was missed.

Right now I feel like I'm sweeping up after a parade.

Come on, Christine.

Sure, Ted was good. He was real, real, real good.

But there was something important missing, and that was you.

All right, sure, I'm important.

Sure you are.

Who takes care of the birthdays and decorates around here at Christmas?

Who hides our eggs at Easter?

Anybody could do that.

Yeah?

Well, could anyone have given birth to a beautiful baby in our elevator?

You're a part of this place.

We missed you.

Thanks,

Harry. I needed that.

What's so funny, Matt? Oh, I just told one of Ted's jokes.

What about the cigar in the car door?

Oh, you're funny, too.

Yeah, you remember that joke you tell about... What's up, Mac?

This just came for you, sir. I think you ought to know about it. New York Board

of Education.

Yeah, they were computerizing their records and discovered you've...

incomplete in ninth grade American history which invalidates your high

diploma. Huh.

How do you like that? I'm a dropout.

What are you going to do about it, sir?

I'll do what every other dropout does. Light up a lucky and squeegee some

windshields.

Sir, I really don't think this is a laughing matter.

I mean, without a high school diploma, you shouldn't have gotten into college.

And without college, you shouldn't have gotten into law school.

And without law school, I shouldn't be calling you your honor. Your honor.

I see your point.

Max, see if there's a problem here.

Well, I'll go make some calls.

Gee, if you hadn't been here, I would have just laughed at that letter and

thrown it away. But now you got me scared enough that I'm making calls and

probably making things worse.

Possibly jeopardizing my career.

Nice to have you back.

Great to be back, sir.

$50 in time served.

What the heck was

that? French. Ted taught us during lunch breaks.

I've just about had it with this Ted guy.

Yeah, me too.

Finally, a dissenting opinion.

Who are you?

Oh, Lizette Hochheiser.

I'm new.

So, Lizette, tell me. What was it about Ted that really bugged you?

Well, I'm already fluent in French, you know. So by the time he got around to my

Russian lessons, he had to leave because you came back.

You know, come to think of it, it's your fault.

Don't worry. I'm not one to hold a grudge. Nice to meet you.

Again? Who is this woman? I have no idea. I check my computer at home. You

strangely enough, I've never had a Donna. Two Dagmars, a Dana, a Dana, but

Donna.

Hey, good news, sir, from the Board of Ed. Oh, yeah?

Yeah. Seems that all you got to do is pass your ninth grade history exam and

your records will be cleared.

I have to take a test? Yeah. In ninth grade history?

Mm -hmm. Oh, man, I feel a zip coming on.

Don't worry, sir. The board has set up a tutor to make sure you pass.

She's on her way over. I don't want to take a test.

Harry, it's no big deal. All you got to do is fill one of those little plastic

cups.

Change of subject, Mac. Yes, sir. People versus McCuddy. Breaking and entering.

Your Honor, there's a simple and logical explanation for my claim. Hold it.

Who are you?

Oh, I'm Christine Sullivan, your attorney.

Where's Ted?

He's not here anymore.

Oh, I want to change my plea to guilty.

Well, it is. Held over for arraignment.

And that's lunch.

But nobody order the you -know -who sandwich.

So, anybody else here? Miss Ted?

Yeah, Artie. Dan Fielding here. Listen, I want to talk about increasing my

insurance. No, no, no, no, no. I need coverage now.

I am dating a woman who is putting the naughty back in nautical.

She's a major risk taker, and I want protection.

Excuse me.

Just take a number, honey. I'll be with you in a minute.

Listen, Artie, isn't there some sort of, like, passion rider we can add to this?

Just... All right, tell you what. Just dump another 50 grand into that internal

injury clause, all right? You don't remember me, do you?

No, but give me a minute, and you'll never forget me.

Listen to me. This is a big time here.

It's a chance of a lifetime. Nothing's going to stand in my way, all right?

Dan, it's me, Donna.

You mean like Donna of a thousand messages, Donna?

Do we know each other from somewhere?

I would hope so, Dan.

I'm your baby sister.

Okay,

here he is when we were changing his first diaper.

That's great.

Everybody, this is my sister, Donna.

Donna?

Everybody.

I'll see you in the cafeteria.

Help me.

Dan, you really got a sister?

This is true.

But you told us you were an only child.

I wanted the attention.

Gee, big age difference between the two of you.

She was kind of an accident.

Not planned, huh?

No, an accident. I accidentally backed the truck into Papa as he was helping

Mama unload the groceries.

Nine months later, a blessed event.

Fertile land, that Bayou.

What am I supposed to do? I don't even know her. I mean, she was three years

when I left home.

I can't relate to her. We have nothing in common.

How about parents?

Oh, sure. Ma and Pa Kettle.

Then what?

The truth is, I'm ashamed to face her. I was a pretty lousy brother.

Oh, come on, Dan. You couldn't have been that bad.

Christine, my last words to her were, there is no Santa Claus.

What?

Now, your sister is not a child. Have you thought about talking to her?

What do you mean, like adults?

Or as close as you can get.

Well, I guess I could take her out to dinner or something. I could even buy.

That sounds brotherly to me.

Thank you, everybody.

I'm going to do the right thing.

Well, I guess you're going to miss your big date, huh, Diver Dan?

My God, Angelica, what, am I crazy?

Giving up a night of deep sea passion for a distant relative.

Dan.

Okay.

Okay. I'll have dinner with her. I'll spend the evening with my... sister.

Sounds wrong. It feels wrong.

Must be right.

You wouldn't by any chance be Angelica, would you?

No.

Of course. For a moment it all seemed so simple.

I'm looking for a Harold T. Stone.

That's me.

Allow me to introduce myself.

My name is Miss Crombie.

I am a history tutor.

Ancient history.

Would you like to share your little joke with the class, young lady?

No, ma 'am.

It was Roz who talked.

Excuse me, young man, are you chewing gum?

Don't ask.

Then what did you just swallow?

I think it was my bridge.

This is ninth grade history. If you're not in this class, you don't belong

Well, if you want me, I'll be in the lunchroom shaking down the freshmen.

Now, Harold, we have one week.

to learn 200 years of American history.

No sweat. Fire away.

Name all the signers of the Declaration of Independence.

Do you have anything in a true or false area?

Thanks for the milk, Dan.

But nowadays I usually take a little coffee in it.

Sorry, I'll get you some. No, don't worry. Milk is fine.

Good. So,

how are Mama and Daddy Bob?

Great. They're still basking in the glow of the big 50th anniversary party I

threw them.

Sorry, I couldn't make that.

Oh, it's okay.

They understood.

Besides, they really got a lot of use out of that toast you sent them.

Especially after the town got electricity.

So what's the news from the garden spot of the Great Swamp?

I ran into an old friend of yours, Kitty Landreau.

Pretty Kitty.

Oh, does that name bring back memories?

I took her to the prom, you know that?

What is she doing nowadays?

Looking after nine grandchildren.

So what brings you to the big city? Did you win the jelly bean con at the

general store?

Well, actually, I'm here on business.

I work for Farmer Frank.

Oh. Still can't get the dirt from under your fingernails, huh?

Farmer Frank, Inc., the meat packer out of Atlanta.

I'm vice president of marketing.

I'm here for the pork expo at the garden.

You're a vice president?

No big deal.

But I've got bigger pork to fry.

That's why I'm here.

I thought it might be a good opportunity to lay the foundation.

What do you mean?

I mean make some connections.

Work the room.

Rub some elbows.

Press the flesh.

Press the skin.

Play the game. Carry the ball. Lick the boots. And suck up!

Oh, Dan, what must you think of me?

I think I should be taking notes.

Have some coffee, sis.

Oh,

isn't that sweet?

Brother and sister connecting.

And Dan thought they'd have nothing in common.

So, the thing is, if you pay through bank foreclosure, then the house usually

comes furnished. Right, right, and then you rent it back to yourself for the tax

write -off. Bingo.

Oh, Dan, I want it all.

Cars, power, fame, money, especially money. Lots and lots and lots of it. Oh,

the fielding genes do run deep.

Oh, listen, I was going to... I had a business meeting this evening. Why don't

cancel it, take you to dinner? I know this great little Filipino -Cajun place.

No, I wouldn't feel right about it.

We haven't seen each other in 20 years. What is one more night? Go to your

meeting. Well, what'll you do?

First time in New York, you know, thought I'd take a stroll through Times

Square. Sweetheart, nobody strolls through Times Square. They run through

screaming.

I'll go to my meeting if you'll take some protection.

Protection? Bull!

Yep.

Do me a favor.

Take care of my little sister, show her around town, see the sights.

Sure, but it'll have to wait till after session.

Oh, no, no, no.

Go now. I'll pull some strings.

Okay. But I'm a little financially embarrassed.

All right. Well, here, here.

Here's 50 bucks.

I'm also a little transportationally embarrassed.

Don't push it. Gotcha.

Wait till you see my New York.

If we hurry, we can catch the 1030 hose down at the fish market.

$50 in time, sir.

What's next, Mac?

Uh, the blue versus the gray, sir. Oh, more gang violence, huh? Oh, no. A

rumble called the Civil War.

More homework?

Yeah. Mac, this is ridiculous. I can't even take a breath without somebody

shoving a page of factoids in my face. Yeah, you know, that Miss Crumpy is

tough. You know, she just nailed George Davis for smoking in the bar's room. No.

Yeah, I made him run 20 laps around the courthouse.

Mac, I'm not gonna do it.

I'm a competent judge without a degree, and I see no reason to change now. Call

the next case.

All right.

Next case, people versus... Ted!

Ted?

Good old Ted.

I don't get it. Why are you dressed like that?

Apparently, our former colleague... was in the midst of an appendectomy when he

was arrested for impersonating a surgeon.

Why would a lawyer want to impersonate a doctor?

Further complications.

It seems he's not a lawyer either.

Not a lawyer?

Not a lawyer?

Not a lawyer?

Not a lawyer?

How was that? Could you read that back to me?

Not a lawyer.

Throw the book at him. Christine, you're supposed to be defending me. Don't tell

me my job, Ted.

If that indeed is your real name.

Oh, Ted, Ted, Ted, why'd you do it?

I have lots of interest, Harry. What can I say?

I'm a dabbler.

What can I say? Held over for felony arraignment.

Jeez.

Who would have thought?

Well...

Someone impersonating a guy with a valid degree.

Sir?

Yeah, I read you, Mac.

All right, that's it for tonight. I got some cramming to do.

Come to think of it, so do I.

Dan, come on.

You're not pooping out on me, are you?

Coming, Angelica.

walk when you've had the bends.

Don't worry, you're safe.

We're in your element now.

Ah, yes.

A hotel.

Dan!

Uh, Donna!

This is your business meeting?

Well, yes.

In a manner of speaking, it's a, um, well, it's a long story.

Well, I'll be glad to tell you sometime.

Say!

Do we have any more of that room mocking stuff?

Dan! Oh.

Don't.

Please tell me you didn't sleep together.

Heavens, no.

We only had sex.

you