Original subtitles

Hey, Bull, why the sudden interest in high finance?

My cousin Ralph is coming to see me, and I don't want him to think I'm a doofus.

Oh, where would he get an idea like that?

I wouldn't worry, Bull.

I'm sure any relative of yours still has one foot in the swamp himself.

Oh, yeah?

Well, Ralph just happens to be a top -notch lawyer and investment advisor,

to mention a dashing man about town.

Yo, Melonhead!

Ralph! Hey!

Bully boy!

You haven't changed a bit. You're still grotesque.

What a kidder!

Your Honor, guys, I'd like you to meet my cousin, Ralph.

How you doing? Hi.

Hey, what's that on your sweater?

Sucker.

Jeez, Bully, how long has it been?

Three years ago, Thanksgiving.

Go on.

I remember because you told that dirty joke during dessert and I laughed so

I blew pecan pie all over Aunt Helen.

Anyway,

I came across a terrific investment opportunity. You interested in making

quick cash?

Well, I... Good.

I'll handle all the details.

The plan is to take advantage of the recent decline in soybean futures.

That's funny.

According to this chart, soybeans are going up.

Oh, for crying out loud. Didn't anybody tell you?

If you want the real story, you have to turn this thing upside down.

They print it the other way to fool the Japanese.

Right.

So, cut me a check for five grand, I'm out of here.

Five thousand dollars?

Hey, don't worry. I mean, I just figured I'd give first crack to my favorite

cousin.

Well, I don't have my checkbook on me, but I could run home and get it. Well,

you insist.

I'll be back later.

Gotcha.

Let's go.

Hey,

Rock.

Looks like you've been to the firing range.

Yep. The head bailiff picked me to try out some new hardware.

Whoa. Well, that's going to come in handy if a rogue elephant gets busted

shoplifting. No offense, Ross, but isn't that too much gun? I mean, you usually

never miss.

I didn't.

I was just practicing my warning shot.

Come on, Roz, just for a minute.

For the last time, no, bull. You may not play with my new gun.

Hold it. Why can't I?

One, it is not a toy.

Two, I'm not supposed to let anybody touch it. And three, you've got more

than brains.

Come on, Roz.

Didn't I fill in for you when you went to amateur night at the tractor pull?

Right. Five minutes and that's it.

Excuse me, I'm looking for, uh, you.

Are you sure? I'm Christine Sullivan, legal aide. Ralph Shannon, sexual

daredevil.

I'm sure you couldn't be related to Bull Shannon. Well, uh, that depends on if

it helps me find out what you look like in a leather thong.

Why don't you just use your imagination?

Actually, I still wouldn't mind a peek.

You smarmy little... Whoa,

what happened?

I think I might have shot myself.

Just stay calm, guy. It's going to be all right.

Damn, how bad is it?

Don't worry about me, Ross.

I'm just sorry I fired your gun without permission.

What the hell were you doing in the broom closet, anyway?

I didn't want anyone to see me with Roz's gun.

It must have gone off when I sat on the Johnny mop.

You can explain it later, Bull. Right now, we should get you to the hospital.

Hold it right there!

This man is my family. I'll take him.

Gee, Ralph, are you sure you have time? You bet. My favorite cousin's gonna get

the best medical treatment money can buy.

Here, buddy.

Lean on me.

I knew I shouldn't have let that knucklehead have my gun.

Oh, don't blame yourself, Ross.

Bulls survived a lot worse than this.

Yeah, Harry's right. I think this bullet has taught us all a valuable lesson.

What's that?

There's a ladies' room right below this closet.

that this will seem forward, but I was wondering if maybe sometime you'd like

go out with me.

I work till 11, but if that's inconvenient, I can resign now.

Do you live near here? If not, I can move.

Please,

listen, listen. I've had all my shots.

Gloria, 555 -4139.

Gloria, G -L -O -R -I -A, 555 -4139.

What's the matter with you, Dan?

Mac, she's the one who called me a romantic fool. But ever since I was a

have seen that woman in my dreams.

And now I will learn the answer to the question of a lifetime.

Is she a moaner or a screamer?

I can watch. It's fine.

Didn't my pal, Dr. Aboody, tell you to keep your leg immobilized?

Yeah, but I don't know about that guy.

He spent half the time looking at the wrong foot.

Listen, I once knew a guy who had the exact same injury.

One day he decided that since he didn't feel any pain, he'd take a little stroll

to the kitchen, fix himself a sandwich.

What happened?

His kids found him paralyzed, face down in a pool of mayo.

He cannot go to the john without the help of a trained chimp.

Can he tell it not to look?

Never mind about that. Just stay in a chair until we settle a lawsuit against

the city. Everything will be fine.

Lawsuit? I don't want to sue anyone.

Oh, you will when they squeeze you out of your job.

What? You watch.

The first thing they're going to say is, gee, bull, maybe you ought to go home

and rest.

Next thing you know, you'll be wearing a paper hat and asking some kid, you want

fries with that, sir?

They can't do that. Being a bailiff is my life.

Listen, Bo, you're my favorite cousin.

Trust me, I'm not going to let anything bad happen.

Hey, how come I have to wear this thing around my neck, too?

Because of the angle of your head when you fell.

But I don't remember falling.

Note.

Possible brain damage.

Oh, Mac.

Those lips.

Those eyes.

Those headlights.

I'm telling you, a woman like that doesn't come along every day.

I'm very happy for you, Dan.

Just thinking about her makes the world a sweeter place.

Excuse me. Mr. Fisher, would you like to buy some cookies?

Beat it.

Hold on.

Hold on. I'll take a box.

Uh, Dan, you got change for 20?

No, we wouldn't have this problem if maintenance take my suggestion and set

a few traps.

Sorry

I'm

late, Your Honor.

I thought you just grazed your toe.

Yeah, I guess the doctors just want to be extra careful.

Well, you know, you're pretty lucky because in most cases like this, they

just destroy the animal.

Well, if it's this serious, you should go home and get some rest.

What do you mean by that?

I can do my job just as good as before.

Oh, well, nobody's saying that you can't. It's just that you've had a

injury and you should recover.

No way.

This bailiff could be hit by a falling asteroid and report for duty the very

same day.

What would we do without you? That's a ten -minute break.

You know what? Gives me a little time. I think I'll go leave a little love poem

on Gloria's answering machine.

Yeah?

Roses are red.

Violets are flowers.

I can keep going for hours and hours.

I thought of writing Hallmark cards.

What the hell happened? I didn't spend any money.

I gave you change for that street urchin.

Yeah, so?

Well, the phone number was written on one of those dollar bills, man.

Calm down.

I probably still have it. Come on, come on.

On the other hand, maybe not.

Well, that does a lot of good to pride me of a night of unimaginable ecstasy.

Okay, then.

How about a cookie?

Bull,

you're not going to lose your job just because you take a couple of days off.

I happen to know differently, Your Honor. Why do you think I'm filing a

Lawsuit?

Bull, are you sure you know what you're getting yourself into?

No, but I'm not worried.

Cousin Ralph is my lawyer, and he promised me nothing bad was going to

Oh, yeah?

Because of that lawsuit, I just got fired.

Excuse me, uh, does that mean there might be a job opening?

Always figured I'd look good in a tight skirt.

They fired you on account of me?

See for yourself.

Fact is, I did violate the first rule of firearm safety.

Never lend your gun to a moron.

I'm not going to let them get away with this.

Well, thank you, sir. But the city needs somebody to blame it on when they get

sued for ten million dollars.

Ten million?

Well,

I have heard that the big toe is the key to good posture.

I'm going to make a few calls. and get to the bottom of this. And, Bull, I

suggest that you have a talk with your cousin, Ralph.

I told you, mister!

Leave me alone!

What are you doing?

All right, all right, all right.

Look, let me explain.

You see, on one of your dollar bills, there's a phone number of a big girl

Uncle Dan wants to get to know better.

Mac, would you reason with her?

I'll tell you what.

You let him take a look at your money, and he'll buy all the rest of your

cookies.

What?

Roses are red, violets are flowers.

You'll be going by yourself for hours and hours.

It's not here.

Who have you sold cookies to in the last ten minutes?

I don't remember.

She's lying!

Pull yourself together, Dan!

Now, now, try to think.

There was a nice person who wanted to buy some cookies, but they didn't have

right change.

It was Lady.

I think she was wearing a dress.

That's it?

She had a purse, too.

I hope a bear gets you.

Mind if I join you?

Why, of course not.

Oh, my look.

You bought some cookies from that adorable child.

Yes.

for anybody that reminds me of my grandkids.

Oh!

Oh, would you by any chance have any pictures of the little darlings there in

your purse?

No. But I've been meaning to get some. Uh -huh.

How about your own kids?

Aren't I just awful? You bet.

A picture of your husband.

Yourself.

A driver's license.

I certainly must have something that I could look at.

Say, you seem awfully anxious to get your hands on my purse. Oh, no, no.

Don't be silly. I'm merely making conversation.

All right, I'll level with you.

I'm an officer of the court, and I'm... Yes, I am telling her now.

I believe there may be some important information written on a dollar bill in

your purse.

So, if I could just have a look, we can settle this.

Help! Please!

Mom! She's just imagining things again.

It's terrible when the mind goes.

Hey, I got your message. What's the big emergency?

We have to drop the lawsuit. They fired Roz.

Whoa, settle down.

Nobody got fired.

But she did. I saw the letter myself.

They wanted you to see it, lame brain, so you get scared and back off. That's

the way the game is played.

Your buddy Roz is getting paid under the table. It's like she's on vacation.

This whole thing just doesn't seem right.

Paul, I'm going to tell you something I never thought I would.

You remember that big set pool out behind Grandma's house?

Sure. I built a sailboat out there one summer.

Well, when you were about five, one of our other cousins pushed you in.

Luckily, I was there to throw you a rope.

Yeah.

I was almost eight before anyone would sit next to me on the school bus.

You saved my life.

Well, maybe so, but that's not the point.

You're the kind of person that needs somebody to look out for you.

Somebody you can trust.

I am that somebody.

Look, I gotta run, but I'll be back. And if you still want to drop the suit, we

will. No questions asked.

there's nothing you can do, there's nothing you can do.

Let me guess.

There's nothing he can do.

I'm sorry, Ron.

Well, I guess I'll go clear out my locker.

All right.

The only way that we're going to find this dollar bill is floor by floor. Now,

want Roz to take 15 through 18.

Mac, you get downstairs immediately.

Dan, shut up. Nobody cares about your stupid dollar.

Roz? I just lost her job.

What?

I'm so sorry.

All right, Mac, you're going to have to take 12 through 18.

Well, Bull, this is it.

Ross, you're leaving already?

Mm -hmm.

I'm really sorry about everything.

Hope you get to come back soon.

Yeah, I like this job.

My co -workers, too.

Even big, dumb ball ones who shoot themselves in the foot.

Boy, how many of us are there?

See you around, Bull.

Hey, you forgot something.

What the hell is going on here?

Oh, yeah, I should be sitting down.

Listen, uh, give me a call next week if you're still around, and maybe we can

grab lunch and catch up. Well, Moby, run, run. Put me down before I end up

paralyzed for life and have to go potty with a chimp.

What the hell are you talking about?

My cousin Ralph said that's what would happen if I stood up.

And you believed him?

Why shouldn't I?

Because he's running a scam, Bulls. He makes it seem like you're hurt. The city

comes up with a bunch of money, and he keeps a third of it for himself.

See, you don't know everything. I'm the one that gets to keep a third.

Boy, you're stupid.

But you're not this stupid.

What's going on?

I just don't want to get fired.

Oh, but it's okay for me to get fired.

Come on, Roz.

I know you're still going to be getting a check.

The only check I'm expecting is a 50 -cent shampoo rebate.

You mean you're not getting paid?

Do you have three finger holes in the back of this thing?

Whoa! What the hell are you doing?

Remember what the doctor told you.

You mean your quack friend of booty?

He's delirious. Very common with this type of traumatic injury.

Uh -huh.

I'll leave you two alone.

I'm dropping the lawsuit, Ralph.

I'm telling everyone I was never hurt.

Are you crazy?

What are you going to do when they arrest you for fraud?

I'll say I'm sorry.

Oh, sure.

That ought to clear it right up.

I'll say ever since I can remember, I looked up to my older cousin.

The smart one in the family. The one who taught the rest of us how to use a

straw.

I tried everything to get you to be my friend.

I even let you talk me into pretending I couldn't walk when deep down inside I

knew I could.

I've been a fool.

Because no matter how hard you try, you can't make somebody else like you.

But I do like you, Bull. How many times do I have to tell you? You're my

favorite cousin.

Yeah, what about cousin... Wait a minute, I'm your only cousin.

So? You can still be my favorite.

Which means, if one of our cousins pushed me in the cesspool,

it must have been you.

I pulled you out, didn't I?

See you around, Ralphie.

Wait! Wait!

You're lucky.

Another couple of inches and you might have ended up like this.

Ross got her job back.

Both Eddie dropped the lawsuit if they returned my badge.

Yeah, I also got him to throw in a new shoe for me.

You drive a hard bargain, big guy. Nice to see you back on your foot.

Hey, what's wrong with him?

Woman troubles.

Yeah, we're all supposed to be in mourning because he lost some bimbo's

number.

Well, I guess I'm being a bit ridiculous. I mean, after all, I had no

that she would ever really gone out with me.

Hey, fella, don't sell yourself short.

Excuse me, we're having a private conversation here.

Let me tell you what happened to me.

I met this chick.

She had the face of an angel and a bod like a babe on an auto parts calendar.

I'm thinking just like you are. No way she's going to be interested in a guy

like me.

The next thing you know, she's tearing my clothes off and calling me her love

guy.

Turns out, she's on the rebound from a bad romance.

And all I gotta do is be in the right place at the right time, and it is Sugar

City!

Exactly how long have you been boring people with this absurd tale of yours?

Well, actually, you're the first person I told.

I just met her last night. I found her name and phone number written on this

dollar bill.

Oh, there you are, honey.

Gloria, come to...