Original subtitles

Ooh, look at those threads.

$2 ,000 worth of silk covering a million -dollar body.

Notice how it accentuates each ripple and bulge.

What's the big occasion, Dan? Will you name patron of the year at the Pussycat

Theater?

Almost is good.

I'm invited to a dinner with the Mayor's Committee on Crime.

We'll be discussing strategies, making suggestions.

Kissing butt.

I prefer to think of them as keisters of opportunity.

Hi, guys.

Anybody know a cure for hiccups?

Yes, staple your lips together.

That didn't work.

How about pinching your nose and counting backwards from ten?

Right. What do you think I am, a machine?

Was that honeymoon, huh?

Harry, it was fantastic.

In fact, I didn't leave the hotel room for the first 24 hours.

Yes, sir.

And then Amanda finally tracked down a locksmith and they let me out of there.

Well, I'm glad to hear it all worked out.

Oh, yeah, yeah. Things are going great, considering I'm unemployed.

Buddy, what are you worried about? Your wife's worth over $5 million.

get out of here.

No, he's right, buddy. Yeah?

Well, still, I think a man should work so he can get up in the morning and look

at himself in the mirror and say, are my ears even?

That's why I've been working all day putting together this resume.

On a paper plate?

A hundred for a buck and they fly.

Buddy, what do you say we punch this out on the computer and print it out on

real paper?

Okay, but the coleslaw's gonna soak right through.

I think Bull

needs some help.

What are you going to do?

I'm gonna sneak over there and scare the hell out of him.

It never fails.

All rise.

Hello. New hiccup remedy, sir.

Sorry,

sir. All right, Mac.

Let's get rolling.

Yes, sir. People versus BHK 937.

You're your people mean well, but you're preventing me from fulfilling my

mission. I could be home watching roller derby. You don't hear me complaining.

Your turn, Mr.

Prosecutor. Yes, sir. The human baked potato here was arrested in City Hall

after threatening two men with this.

A label maker?

What do you do? Walk up to them, stick in their ribs and type out, make my day.

Your Honor, my client was merely trying to get in to see the mayor.

And why was that?

I'm here to save the world from the forces of evil!

Well, you can't, so there.

V, may I call you V?

If you wish.

All right, where exactly is it that you're from?

The year 2097.

Ah, Mac, V is from the future.

Sir?

Time travel violates science -based requirement of locally causal space

manifolds, making it impossible for anyone.

Except maybe the Jetsons.

Surely you have mutants in your century.

Sir, in view of the circumstances, defense would be agreeable to a

evaluation. Is prosecution agreeable?

Does a bear drop trow in the woods?

All right, then, so be it. We'll hold on, Mr.

937, for the cyborgs from the Bellevue Galaxy.

Bellevue? Will the mayor be there?

Yes, and three Abe Lincolns.

Well, Harry, here's the resume.

Just print it up.

Buddy, this paper is designed to be separated.

Oh, I thought they were like this to help you find your way back.

What do you think?

Whoa, looks pretty professional.

Thanks to Harry.

Although, generally, I prefer to draw little eyebrows over the O's.

What is this, buddy? It says here you spent 1971 on a meditative sabbatical.

Well, Harry dreamed that one up.

Oh, buddy, we couldn't very well tell people that you spent a year trying to

figure out ways to get Gilligan off the island.

I came up with 10 ,000 ideas.

Ideas like making a bamboo raft?

Ten thousand and one.

The next thing to do is to copy this and then figure out what kind of job it is

you're after.

Boy, this reality stuff sure keeps you hopping.

Admit it.

This arouses you, doesn't it?

I can barely restrain myself from leaping out of my chair and ravishing

right here, you Nordic god.

All right, Mac, what's next?

Yes, sir. People versus the Montez brothers in a little thing I like to

assault.

Trust these hiccup remedies are not going to interfere with your job.

Count on me, sir.

Well, he's a tough act to follow. You want to try, Mr. Frosketer? Very well,

sir. The defendants were arrested after assaulting several Bulgarian tourists on

a subway car.

Hey, we were just asking for spare change.

But there was a language barrier.

But fortunately for them, they brought along a translator.

Did you ever try to conjugate a Bulgarian verb?

I take it, Miss Sullivan, that your defendants are pleading not guilty?

Yes, sir. And we asked that in considering bail you remember that

gravity of the charges, they are still just boys.

Oh, just boys? Well, that explains this. Then they were just playing pin the

shiv on the tourists.

Your Honor, these vermin do not deserve one shred of pity, compassion, or

leniency.

But what the hey, I say let him go.

To what he says, Judge. Oh, he cut him.

I can pick him off clean from here, sir.

Without hitting Dan?

Oh, well, if you're going to tie my hand.

Judge, tell the guards to hand over their guns.

No!

The criminals must be eliminated for the future of the planet.

Oh, come on. Nobody buys this future stuff.

Who do you like in the 98 Super Bowl?

What the hell is that?

Just a little wake -up call from the 21st century.

Ron, you don't suppose this guy is really from the future?

If he is, we're in for a fashion nightmare.

V, why are you doing this?

It's my mission.

Can't be satisfied just wallowing babies with your laser?

Not while the scum live.

No! You can't shoot that thing in here. Innocent people will be hurt.

All right.

The innocent may exit.

Okay.

I want you all to leave in an orderly fashion.

The elderly and infirmed first, then women, then finally able -bodied men.

Chill out, foil man.

Do me a favor. Have the decency, if you hit the suit, to finish me off.

Listen, V, excuse me for a minute. Why?

I gotta go to the bathroom.

What?

Matt, Roz, don't you feel the urge to go, too?

Uh, yeah, I guess we do. Right, Roz?

We were hoping you would ask.

Do I have to go, too, sir?

No, you don't.

You always know before I do.

You want to stay here and entertain our friends.

So, V, how long can you stay fresh in that suit?

Okay, there's no time to spare. Mac, you call the SWAT team and check to see if

VHK 937 is a known alias.

And, Roz, you check the local mental hospitals and see if they're missing any

patients with a laser gun.

Well, don't just stand there, guys. Get moving.

Hey, Harry, I got my resume copy, and I came up with some job ideas. No, no, not

now, buddy, not now. Dan is being held captive by two punks with a knife, and

they're all being held hostage by a man from the future with a laser gun.

Okay, then maybe later.

So how's it going?

He set a deadline.

If they don't release your friend in 96 billion oscillations of the mercury

atom, I'm vaporizing the whole bunch.

96 billion oscillations? How long is that?

I don't know. When I asked him, he went on a tirade about the lousy educational

system.

V, you'd vaporize them all, even Dan?

A regrettable necessity.

But... They must be dealt with.

They are loathsome, grotesque creatures who prey on the citizens of this city.

Salt your mother.

V, wait a minute. I'm on your side, remember?

I was trying to put away these yo -yos.

Yo -yos?

Legal shorthand for men of honor.

Muy macho.

Hey, man. You think I don't know how to use this?

I can't get rid of them.

Have you tried holding your breath?

That works?

It always did for me, and it's loads of fun.

That's how I had my first hallucination.

Wow!

I'll give it a try.

How long?

Don't worry, I'll time you.

little watch.

I got it for my birthday.

Not that I needed a watch.

I did without one for quite a while.

I used to tell time the way the ancient Incans did.

By asking the guy next to me.

Only five billion oscillations left.

Uh, V, tell me something.

Why did you pick this particular time to come back to?

Well, we determined that the late 20th century was our last chance to turn the

tide of lawlessness and save the future.

Gee, I don't know. I just can't believe the future is as bad as you say.

Are you kidding?

The city is under siege.

Crime is out of control.

We can do it. You rush him, I'll cover you with the knife.

I don't know.

What about the ray gun?

The ray gun, the ray gun.

That's it.

Time's up.

Prepare to die, scum.

No!

I don't have a will.

I've never... I haven't written my memoirs yet.

I've never heard a girl say, Okay, daddy boy, your turn.

We'll give them a choice.

Death or castration?

Death.

So be it.

Oh, wait, wait. You wouldn't shoot a woman, would you?

Yes.

Sorry, Dan, but what made a difference?

Right, thanks.

Enough! Now, prepare to have your electron... freed from their

orbit. Stop!

Now what?

Don't do it, Leon.

Leon?

That's his name, Leon Mintz. VHK 937 isn't an alias. It's a license plate. We

checked it at the DMV.

Anything else?

He's 6 '2", 240 pounds, and he's not supposed to drive at night without his

glasses.

You asked.

They lie.

I'm from the future.

Then why do you drive a 76 Pinto?

It's modified for time travel.

Why do the dorks always have the cherry cars?

First, I considered getting a job stuffing cardboard in the collars of new

shirts.

But there's probably a lot of competition for those jobs.

It's 8 .13.

And then it finally hit me.

Mothballs. There's always a demand for mothballs.

What do you think?

Oh, are you all right?

I'm fine.

But little Joe's trapped in the barn.

out of here. Oh, sorry, Harry. Didn't know court was in session. Come on.

Hey, where's my knife?

Finders keepers.

Now, get over here, away from that door.

Come on.

All right, I am free.

They smudged my suit. All right, you put that puppy on broil.

I want you all where I can see you. What? Now! Go!

Go! You're the boss. You're the boss.

This looks bad.

Silence! Look, Leon. Why do you keep calling me that?

Leon Mintz was a brilliant industrial engineer.

He invented the Yoo -Hoo suitcase.

It had a talking handle so you could find it in the airport.

Oh, that's brilliant.

Leon Mintz sounds like the kind of guy the world could use.

Whatever happened to him?

One day he was mugged on the street, and then on the subway.

Then his apartment was robbed, stripped of everything except for a few clothes

hangers and a Robert Goulet album.

I wonder why they left the hangers.

Well, Leon tired of being a victim, so he decided to do something about it. I,

he, invented this battery -powered laser.

You want to see how it works?

That's okay, man. I've seen it. Works good.

Perfect. Look, Leon, you can't go around just indiscriminately sizzling people.

Think about it.

What gives any person the right to determine the fate of another person's

Isn't that what you do?

Bad example.

Why won't you believe me?

Why won't anybody believe me?

I believe you.

Buddy, you shouldn't be here.

No, no. Let him stay.

You really believe I'm from the future?

Well, sure.

You look like a regular Joe who's got his light bulb screwed in straight.

So, uh, what's it like in Tomorrowland?

It's horrible.

The forces of chaos are everywhere.

It's impossible to find even an island of serenity.

Well, that's why I keep mine in my pants.

Buddy, maybe you should let us.

Oh,

that's beautiful.

I think it's Tulsa.

Why are you pointing that label maker at those people?

That's a ray gun, man. They're criminals.

They must be exterminated so that people won't have to live in fear.

Afraid to walk to the store at night or use the parks.

You know what I mean.

All too well.

You remind me of a man who was so filled with rage and pain that it drove him to

an institution where all he could do was ball up his fists and scream at the

moon.

Gee, buddy, I never knew.

Yeah.

Weird Walt.

Lived in the same ward with him for 15 years. Didn't get a wink of sleep.

I don't understand.

Hold on.

What I'm trying to say is, okay, let them take your money.

Let them take your property.

But don't let them take your sanity.

I'm just tired of being picked on.

Stop dressing like a Jiffy Pop bag.

Next time you feel picked on, just get away and try thinking

of all the things that are beautiful in the world.

Like Tulsa.

Yeah.

Can I have Tulsa?

I don't know. I've had it for a long time. Buddy?

Maybe you'd like to work out a trade.

Okay.

I'll trade you Tulsa for the gloves.

The gun, buddy, the gun.

Or the gun.

Okay.

There you go.

Tulsa.

Yeah.

Buddy, you sure you're not going to miss Tulsa?

Nah, not as long as I got Tallahassee.

Hi, boys.

Can I give you a lift to holding?

Hey, Tiki, you're kind of cute. You got a boyfriend?

Hey, man, I saw her first. I saw her.

Well, it's only 8 .19. You think I still got time to get this clean and make it

to the dinner party? Oh, yeah, you can get some coffee and still have time to

tell a tasteless sex joke.

Luck's with me, huh?

Hey, buddy.

I wish time travel were possible.

Maybe I would have had a chance to meet Gene Harlow.

Learn magic from Houdini.

Seen Mal in his first concert?

I'd go back to last Tuesday.

earmuffs on the subway.

Possibilities are endless.

Your Honor, the guys from Bellevue picked up Mr. V.

Thank you, Bo.

Any chance I could take home this ray gun?

I got something clogging up my toilet.

Sorry, big guy. That thing has to go back to evidence.

Oh, all right. I guess I can keep on using the shell station.

What? I dropped the ray gun.

Sorry.