Original subtitles

Previously on Night Court... I have decided to take Mr. Wood's job offer.

senior partner's son got involved in some stupid fraternity prank.

He'll plead guilty and make full restitution.

But if there's any way you could move his case up... I guess old man Wood

to tell you about the reckless driving and breaking and entering vandalism.

You had a previous record?

Duh!

You see, the...

The lawyer that tricked me is the same one who offered me the job.

That is grounds for disbarment. We're going to get this guy. Mr. Fielding saw

as an opportunity to extract a job offer from us in exchange for dropping the

charges. I refused, and he retaliated by filing this baseless action against me.

Now, while the case against Mr. Wood appears to be weak...

There is sufficient evidence to warrant continuing a disbarment investigation.

Yes!

One week from today, we begin disbarment hearings against Dan Fielding.

Any word from Dan, sir?

Not yet.

Is it my imagination, or are you losing weight?

Oh, well, maybe a pound or two, but I can't believe you noticed.

I'm talking to Ross.

Yeah, I'm on a diet. So what's it to you?

Actually, we're in on this together, sir. We're diet buddies.

Oh, well, you tell your buddy to keep up the good work.

Hi, everybody.

Hi, Bull. Hey, where you been?

Down the street, running my head against a bridge abutment.

I guess I'm already starting to miss Dan.

Hey, don't you worry, big guy.

Dan's not going anywhere.

Hey, guys.

I think you've met my office.

He fired you?

Oh, no, nothing like that.

He merely said I can't work here anymore.

Whoa, dodged a bullet there, Dan.

Technically, it's a suspension pending my hearing.

Oh, see there? You'll get your job back as soon as you're cleared by the state

bar. Who says I want it back?

Dan, Dan, Dan.

I've learned in my psychology class that what you're doing right now is called

denial.

Thank you, Mac. And what you're doing right now is called...

Annoying. Just to be a blessing in disguise, next week, instead of slogging

through black snow to get to work, I'm going to be getting an all -over -body

tan on the beautiful island of San Chichi.

San Chichi. A Caribbean resort catering exclusively to the sexually hyperactive.

That's disgusting. What kind of people would live there?

I'll just give you an idea.

That's Madam Mayor.

I hope you guys don't think those are real.

Who cares?

You forgot to check between your couch cushions. I found 37 cents and, um,

three pair of pantyhose.

Oh, boss.

What a beautiful place.

Are you going there to climb those mountains?

Those aren't mountains, Phil.

Good stuff.

Yes?

I'm Morris Buckner, your new prosecutor.

I'm sorry I'm late, Your Honor, but they ran out of towels in the gentleman's

toilet, and I had to wait for my hands to dry.

Thank you, Morris.

I've always said that chafing is the enemy of justice.

And our defense attorney, this is Mack Robinson, our court clerk. If you don't

mind, we have a heavy caseload. We're going to start right away. Go ahead,

call the first one. Yes, sir. Call people versus Roxanne Reynolds.

Solicitation.

Well, Roxy, I hope you didn't get all dressed up just for us.

Uh, Judge, could we, um, cut the small talk? I got a French class tonight.

Well, we don't want to stand in the way of higher education, Mr.

Prosecutor. Let me see. Miss Reynolds was, uh, apprehended, uh...

Reynolds? Any relation to the cookie Reynolds who played second base for the

St. Louis Browns? I doubt it. Most guys I know skip second.

How about Squirmin' Herman Reynolds?

Squirmin' Herman?

Sounds like a guy with a bad case of hives.

Your Honor, my client does have a constitutional right to a speedy trial.

Point well taken. Mr. Prosecutor, could you possibly cut to the chase?

Prostitution is, of course, the oldest profession in the ancient city of

thieves. Okay, okay. I plead guilty.

Rod, you have to give aerobics a chance.

I gave it a chance. But when they started hopping up and down the It's a

World, I had to get some air.

Well, diet alone isn't enough. We all need to exercise.

I get my exercise at a real gym.

That place you go to doesn't even have a heavy bag or a spit bucket.

Of course, they don't make cars like that anymore.

You can't even get curb feelers as an option.

Excuse me, Morris.

Oh, Miss Sullivan, I thought I didn't see you come in.

To speak to the judge privately, do you mind? Oh, of course not.

Anything I have to say will keep you later.

I was afraid of that.

Hey, guys, you can wake up. He's gone now.

Oh, he is?

Last thing I remember was Morris saying, hey, fellas, you got a minute?

I'll thank Kevin's dad. He'll be back soon. I'm not so sure about that.

He was supposed to have been home from his vacation, but we haven't been able

get a hold of him.

Every time I call, I get the same message.

Hi, I'm naked.

Are you?

I hope he's not giving up on us. His disbarment hearing's in two days.

Um, you wanted to see me, Judge?

Yeah, Phil, glad you could drop by.

We're a little worried about Dan, and we thought maybe you knew where he was.

Well, I do, but I can't tell you. I've been sworn to secrecy.

Phil, I appreciate your sense of loyalty.

has his price.

You can find him at a place called Le Petit Patois, 88th and Madison.

Phil, that sandwich is half -eaten, sat on, and now it's got an old piece of gum

stuck to it.

You're right.

Dessert.

Uh, waiter!

Waiter. Yes, madam, may I help you? If this fork is cold, warm it for me.

the kitchen, Fredman.

Fielding. Dan Fielding.

I care more about what I scrape off the pig's feet. Thank you.

Bonsoir, mes amis. I am Pierre, your host.

I take it for our many. Actually, Pierre, we're just here looking for

Of course, and they will be here any minute. Follow me, please.

And may I tell you what beautiful dresses and other things all of you are

wearing tonight?

I hope he's not just saying that.

to soak up this wine.

What's the matter? Your liver's already full?

Dan!

Oh, hey, guys!

Dan, what are you doing? Waiting table?

Oh, is that... It looks like that. No, actually, I'm thinking about buying a

restaurant. Yeah.

And my good friend Pierre said it would be okay if I came in and saw his

operation. from the inside.

Big man!

Do you think I hired you because I like your ugly face?

Get moving or get out!

You're broke, aren't you?

You try being promiscuous in Manhattan on a budget.

Listen,

if you guys are going to stay here, you're going to pretend to be ordering

something. I'll have the rack of lamb for two.

is just pretend.

Dan, the important thing right now is that you concentrate.

I'll have the Vichyssoise and the Deja Vu.

Ah, yes, you've had that before, haven't you, sir?

Anyway, we did some research that might help you out with your hearing.

Hearing, you mean inquisition, don't you?

Come on, you gotta have a little faith in the system.

Oh, great system. I turn in a guy for bribery, I get accused of blackmail.

And, sir, for you.

I would like the insides of a large animal.

That's grotesque.

Relax, I'm not really gonna eat it. I'm just trying to keep Dan's jerky pal,

Pierre, from kicking us out.

Aha!

I demand that you insufferable swine leave at once!

Excuse me, Pierre, we just... Lily, out!

You guys better go.

Dan, promise me you'll at least look this over.

Come on. You can't throw away your entire career. I'm sure we can win this.

All right, I promise to look it over. Would you leave now?

Mr. Feydman, you're needed in the back room.

Right away.

Take an exception, Rod.

Oh, you can?

Then how come you get in my face every time I reach for something besides

hamster food?

Come on, Rod, you're exaggerating. And how come I have to use that talking

that goes ouch every time I step on it?

Well, I could have bought the one that yells, hey, one guy at a time.

Ladies, ladies, ladies.

What we have here is... a classic case of misdirected anger.

Then again, why don't I leave while I still got my pipe where I can see it?

Where is Dan?

The hearing's about to start.

Well, I'll call the restaurant to see if he's there.

Look, I still don't know why I have to be here. Because you were subpoenaed,

Bobby, and if you don't show up, you could be arrested again.

God, this whole thing is so bogus.

I mean, what does my old man pay you for anyway?

Mr. Wood, we both know that Dan Fielding is no blackmailer. If you go through

with this, you're going to destroy a good man's career.

Your loyalty to Mr. Fielding is very admirable.

But facts are facts.

Now, if you'll excuse me.

Yeah, well, here's another fact.

You're a big wiener.

That's it, sir.

Take the high road. Sir, he's at the restaurant, but that Pierre fellow won't

let him come to the phone until he's done making napkin tulips.

He's ready to call his case, Your Honor.

Well, I guess we'll just have to stall while somebody goes down to the

restaurant and tries to bring Dan back. Now, sir, I think I can persuade him.

You see, what Dan is suffering from is double avoidance approach syndrome.

Now, what it calls for is... Is anybody but you.

I'll go get Dan. Are you sure you don't want to stay and testify?

Nah. I don't have anything nice to say about him anyway.

Feldman!

Get the lid out. We open for dinner in 20 minutes.

Go suck a nez.

Yo, garçon.

I just thought you might like to know that all your friends are down at that

hearing trying to save your sorry hide.

Listen, Roz, we both know I'm up against the old boy network and I don't stand a

chance. So why even try, right?

Look, I knew a girl once who felt like that.

Every day on the way to school, this gang of kids would take her lunch money.

Till one day she decided she didn't care how much the odds were stacked against

her and she fought back.

And I suppose you were that girl.

No, I was part of the gang.

And I admired her guts in standing up to us, so I told them to leave her alone.

Did they?

No, they jumped us both and took my lunch money, too.

But while they were leaving, I got one of them with a sucker punch.

For all I know, he's still eating through a straw.

You know, while you're not writing for Sesame Street, I'll never know.

The point is, you can't give up just because you might get your butt kicked.

You have to stick it out.

You mean like you stick into your diet?

All right, so maybe we both could use a little help. I didn't ask for any help.

I can take care of myself.

Sorry, Dan.

I mistook you for somebody I gave a damn about.

Stop, thief!

Give me that... Oh,

yes, excusez -moi.

Merci.

So, Mr. Shannon.

Aside from admiring Mr. Fielding's hair, you can't think of anything

positive to say about him?

Well, to my knowledge, he's never practiced cannibalism.

Thank you, Mr. Shannon.

Take your seat.

I can only hope that's all the evidence.

I'd like to say that Dan Fielding isn't half as bad as we've made him out to be.

Very moving, Judge Stone.

But if Fielding hasn't the guts to show up, he's made my decision for me.

Not quite so fast.

Fielding, you're late.

Was there a line at the massage parlor?

Before you warm up the tarned feathers, you might at least pretend to listen to

my side of the story.

Are you suggesting I'm unfair?

You ignored my record as a prosecutor, and you took as character witnesses

people who don't even know me.

They were all women you slept with.

That doesn't mean we'd actually spoken.

I'll take that into account. Anything else?

Yes.

I would very much like to thank my friends for coming down here, sticking

me.

Especially you, Ross.

Beat sitting here listening to Harry.

I would also like to thank Mr. Johnson and Mr. Wood for teaching me a very

valuable lesson.

You see, all of my life, I wanted to be rich and important like you.

As a kid back in Louisiana, I used to wear a necktie while flopping hogs.

I would pretend that the miserable beasts were reporters all clamoring to

questions about my latest courtroom triumph.

I would graciously answer each in turn until my bucket was empty and my tie was

covered in pig phlegm.

All these years I kept dreaming, and then suddenly I had the opportunity to

become one of you.

To my own surprise, I said no.

Because when I really looked at you for the first time, I realized that you're

not better than the people I grew up with.

You're not even any better than the pigs.

Judge Caseman, I'm a damn good lawyer.

And if you have any decency, you will let me stay one.

Very well. In light of the hour...

I'll try to be brief.

You're out.

I want to say something.

I was thinking about what you just said. You know, about how we and I are like

pigs.

Yes.

We're going to sue you blind, dude.

Bobby, be quiet.

Don't tell me to be quiet. I want you to hit this guy with papers now.

I said shut up.

Who do you think you're talking to, huh? Hey, maybe I ought to go call my old

man. Yeah, you do that, Bobby. And when you got him on the phone, you tell him

I'm fed up with bailing his snot -nosed son out of trouble.

What?

Hey, listen, pal.

I don't need you... Hey, hey.

Why don't we just let the nice man finish talking?

I find myself at the pinnacle of my career and little

more than a well -dressed messenger boy.

I trust this has something to do with the case at hand.

Oh, indeed it does.

Fielding was telling the truth from the beginning.

There was never any blackmail.

Perhaps I'd be a better man today if I'd slopped a few hogs myself.

Your Honor, in view of this new evidence, I would respectfully suggest

might want to reconsider your verdict.

Stanley's still a slimeball.

True, but...

He's a law -abiding slimeball.

Very well, you're reinstated.

This isn't a pep rally.

Get out of here.

And if you know what's good for you, don't come back.

Did you by any chance have real strict parents who tried to toilet train you

early?

Hey, Dan, where you been?

Outside, sitting on the steps, thinking about what we do around here,

what I've been through the last few days.

I looked up, saw the statue of Lady Justice, and suddenly realized

What?

I don't think she's wearing any underwear.

Welcome back, Dan.

Thanks, Mac.

Come quick, sir!

What's the problem?

That diet finally made her snap!

She's in the cafeteria going berserk!

She looks pretty well under control to me, Bull.

Uh, not her, sir.