Original subtitles

Hey, Matt, have you seen my jumping beans?

Harry, if you put your toys away when you're through playing with them, you'd

know where they are.

Did we miss our bran muffin this morning, Matt?

No, sir, he's just grouchy because he has to take a psychology class at

Psychology, the science of the human mind. What could be more fascinating

that? Well, I don't know, watching every minute of the Jerry Lewis telethon.

Oh, no, contest.

When he sticks those pencils up his nose, I lose it every time.

Give me a salad.

Buzz, are you feeling all right?

I've never seen you eat anything green.

Except maybe that box of donuts last St. Patrick's Day.

You must know, I'm on a diet.

You are?

That's great.

I mean, if that's something you think you need or want to do.

I don't have any choice.

This came in the mail today.

Oh, what a beautiful girl. Who is she?

It's me.

Oh, of course.

Oh, my goodness. You look so, so... Fan.

Well, that too.

It was taken 17 years ago.

My friend Wanda found it in the bottom of a drawer and sent it to me. Oh, how

sweet. Isn't it?

I'm saving up to fly back there and kick her butt.

Ladies, may I?

Well, thank you, Dan.

You seem in an awfully good mood today.

That rash clear up?

I just got a phone message from Theodore Wood of Taylor Wood & Johnson.

He's coming down here to see me. I think he's going to offer me a job.

Are you sure, Dad?

That is the most prestigious law firm in New York.

Why else would he be looking for me?

Because you spent two weeks with his wife while he was out of town.

No.

My name is Walker.

Yo.

Hot looking bitch.

This is going to come in real handy for my hiding in the Supreme's dressing room

fantasy.

Let me have it then. Hey, no, no, why?

Come on, give it.

Sir, you've got to understand that when you charge hundreds of dollars and

advertise yourself as a Michael Jackson lookalike, certain expectations will be

raised.

You'll be a fraud, $100 fine, and beat it.

That's lunch.

So, Mike.

I guess you made one too many trips to the plastic surgeon.

You know, sir, I think you've changed my mind about this psychology stuff.

All I did was offer an encouraging word at the proper moment. Oh, no, no, it's

not what you said. This is the way you sign your name.

Say what?

You see how your H lashes out at the other letters?

Yeah. Yeah, well, you see, that's typical of a person who is very

who gets mixed up in everybody's private life without realizing it.

to do with me.

Damn. I heard the news.

I always knew we'd make the big time. Oh, you... Yeah,

it's a special occasion.

You might want to break out a moist towelette.

Maybe later. If we're moving uptown, I gotta pack.

What am I thinking? I am packed.

I'm looking for Dan Fielding.

Mr. Wood, I'm Dan Fielding.

How nice of you to stop by. Please.

Sorry I'm late. The traffic was bumper to bumper.

Oh, isn't that always the way? You know, the other night, it took me 45 minutes

to hail a cab in the pouring rain. Any chance there's an opening in your firm?

As a matter of fact, there is. And we're prepared to offer you the job.

You are?

That means I'd be a lawyer in your firm.

Stationary with the letterhead, my name, on it. If somebody called the office

and asked for me, I'd be there.

Yes. Are you available?

Well, you know, I maybe should take a couple of weeks to weigh my other

Oh, sorry. I'll need to know today.

I'll take it.

Dealing, we want you to feel at home right from the start. So here's a small

advance to redecorate your office. Sweet.

Sweet?

I hope you don't mind the cash. It's impossible to get a check from our

bookkeeper in under a week.

Looks like there's enough here to buy a real leather couch.

Maybe a fold -out.

I sometimes work all night long.

I'd better take this. Excuse me, Dad.

Because my name isn't Bug.

Because you're trying to go it alone.

What you need is a diet buddy.

It just so happens that I've been thinking about going on a diet myself.

Yeah, you have put on a couple of pounds.

Is that obvious?

I'll see what I can do.

Something the matter?

Oh, it's nothing to do with you. Our senior partner's son got involved in

stupid fraternity prank and was arrested for shoplifting.

Where can I find Judge Harold Stone?

Judge Stone? Wait, let me see that.

This is my court.

This is my tape.

Oh.

Well, then you should know that Bobby's never been in any trouble before.

Well, still, though, I couldn't show any favoritism in my prosecution.

Oh, of course not.

He'll plead guilty and make full restitution.

But if there's any way you could move his case up... I'll look into it.

I'd appreciate that, Dan.

His father's awfully worried about the time that Bobby spends in the holding

cell. You know, terrible things can happen there to normal people.

Ain't it the truth.

Boy, last week a rabbi was arrested by mistake. By the time we found out, he

was... Never mind. Boring story.

All right, Christine.

You can be my diet buddy.

Great!

Okay, now what we have to do first is we have to start writing down everything

we eat every day. All right. For breakfast I had bran flakes and half a

grapefruit. I skipped breakfast.

Oh, there you see. I had... have no discipline. You're already 300 calories

ahead of me.

At 1030, I ate a large pizza.

Say, Mac?

Yeah? Did you by any chance get an opportunity to move up the case against

Johnson kid for me? I did, but I didn't get his priors yet. No priors. First

offense. Okay, then he's the next one up.

Hey, Dan, did you know that there's a woman with 14 different personalities?

No, but I like it.

Group sex, and you only have to buy one dinner.

Okay, kids, let's play ball.

Your Honor,

before we start, there's an announcement I'd like to make.

I have decided to take Mr. Wood's job offer. I'll be turning in my resignation

today.

Dan,

I don't know what to say.

Well, I'm going to miss all of you.

You're like family.

We feel the same way, Dan.

They're going to park my car for me every day.

Well, then I guess we'll just have to try to choke back the tears as we

through the evening. Call the first case, Matt.

Yes, sir.

People versus Johnson.

Let me guess. He was caught using the salad fork on the entree.

No, sir. Petty theft. The defendant is charged with stealing a box of condoms

from a convenience store.

Condoms?

Yes, sir. Male barrier contraceptives.

I don't know what they are.

Where are the crass remarks?

The rude innuendos.

That would be uncalled for, sir.

Your Honor, my client pleads guilty. He says he's very sorry, and he swears

it'll never happen again. Your Honor, I'm very sorry. I swear it'll never

again. Well, as long as you two have your stories straight.

$100 fine, time served.

Sir, your doctor's on the phone.

Good news on your specimen.

Thanks for keeping that confidential, Bill.

Oh, part of my job, sir.

I'm surprised to hear myself say this, but I'm genuinely going to miss you.

I know.

You feel you've missed your opportunity to be with a man whose mere touch could

make you produce sounds only a dog could hear.

Dan, I try to say something nice to you every single time you turn it into

something filthy and disgusting.

Anybody ever tell you you jiggle when you're angry?

See what I mean?

Woods paying my fine right now. I'll be out of here in five.

Yeah, later.

Oh, Bobby.

Listen, next time you stop by your father's office, look me up. I'm joining

firm. Oh, that figures.

Thank you, partner.

Well, he always keeps a couple jobs open for bootlickers like you.

Hey, I don't lick anybody's boots.

At least not during business hours.

Oh, yeah?

Oh, well, then how come I'm walking out of here for chump change instead of

going to jail?

You get the standard penalty for a first offense.

I guess old man Wood forgot to tell you about the reckless driving and breaking

and entering vandalism. You had a previous record?

Duh!

I was lied to?

You were bought.

Bought? I've been saving this for just such a moment.

A toast to your bright and exciting... Exciting future.

Maybe if I throw some Alka -Seltzer in it.

I'll help you in any way I can.

Well, it seems that I was tricked by another lawyer into trying a case before

found out the defendant had a record.

Ah.

Would it have made a difference had you known?

Slightly. Instead of you giving him a small fine, he'd have gotten, say, ten

years in jail.

Wait a minute.

Are you telling me that you let a repeat offender waltz through my courtroom

with nothing but a slap on the...

Harry, unless you lower your voice, I can't tell you the rest.

There's more.

A wee little bit, yeah.

You see, the lawyer that tricked me is the same one who offered me the job.

He tried to bribe you? Yo, wait, no, no, let's not have to use the B word here.

Yeah, that's a bribe. Just as certain as if he'd handed you an envelope full of

cash.

That's why he said it was for the couch.

You've touched it. You're in it, too, now. You're in it, too. Oh, we're going

down. We're going down. We're going down. You're going down with me. I'm

finished. Everything's over.

You shot

me.

Don't make me empty this. Okay, okay.

Calm down, Dan. You're not the one in trouble here.

Wait, you're right, I'm not. You did the right thing. Yes, you came to me. I

did. You were a pawn. I'm an idiot. You were a douche. A drooling imbecile.

Absolutely. Thank you, Harry. This is a great weight off my mind.

Whoa, Dan.

He lied to you.

You're an officer of the court.

That is grounds for disbarment. We're gonna get this guy.

Oh, gee.

Couldn't we just write something rude about him on the men's room wall?

Imagine that clown thought that for the price of a couch, he could make Dan

Fielding compromise his principles.

It was real leather, Harry.

stop you from scarfing everything off my plate.

There's no calories in stolen food.

Hi, guys. Where's Harry and Dan?

They just left for that disbarment hearing.

I have never seen Dan so agitated.

At least not since somebody put sand in his motion lotion.

What's he so worried about? It's the other guy that's on trial.

You know, Freud might say that Dan is afraid to confront Mr. Wood because he

represents a false father figure.

Yeah. Or maybe he just doesn't want to look like a dork.

Roz, I thought we were supposed to meet in my office to weigh in.

Uh, I got stuck down in Holden, so I decided to use one of the scales in

evidence.

I lost three pounds.

Oh, well, Roz, you know I can't really write it down in the diary unless I've

actually seen that scale.

Who are you going to believe, me or some lying piece of tin?

anymore. Yesterday I started wondering how many calories my dog was.

That would depend on the breed.

I know it's tough, Roz.

And that's why I picked up something fun to help us avoid those midnight snack

raids. It better not be one of those stupid things that makes an animal noise

when you open the refrigerator.

for coming down with me.

Hey, Dan, I wouldn't want to miss your finest hour as a prosecutor.

What if I make a complete fool of myself?

I wouldn't want to miss that either.

Come on, I'm just trying to loosen you up.

Oh,

uh, Mr. Wood.

Listen, about all this disbarment business, I just want to let you know

nothing personal. I hope you understand.

Don't worry, Mr. Fielding.

I don't believe in revenge.

You don't? What a great guy.

Harry, didn't I tell you he was a great guy?

But I don't believe in letting someone screw me over and get away with it

either.

Wouldn't that technically be revenge?

Don't you be intimidated by him, Dan.

I'm sure this judge is going to conduct a fair and impartial hearing.

Clark, his files are a mess. Get fired.

You know what, Harry? I just remembered. I left some milk out on my counter.

You two sit down and shut up.

Turning to the matter of Theodore Wood.

This is a case of one attorney accusing another of corruption.

You should all be aware there's nothing I hate worse than a corrupt lawyer.

Except maybe a snitch.

Who's fielding?

I am, Your Honor.

Get your butt up here and state your grievance.

Briefly, very briefly. Briefly.

He did it!

You may elaborate.

He comes off as me a great job.

I should have suspected immediately, but he distracted me with the couch money

there. He tells me his partner's son is in jail and makes him sound like an

altar boy, so I decide to get him out before some biker starts calling him

cakes. Well, before I find out he's a walking crime wave, it's too late.

Honest.

You may step down.

Thank you.

How do I sound?

Like Teddy Ruxpin hooked up to a car battery.

Mr. Wood, I presume you have a response to those charges?

May it please the court.

For years, Mr. Fielding has tried to get the attention of our law firm.

These are a few of his letters and resumes that he sent us.

When my

partner's son, who is admittedly no angel, landed in his courtroom, Mr.

saw it as an opportunity to extract a job offer from us in exchange for

the charges.

I refused, and he retaliated by filing this baseless action against me.

Liar!

Oh, fire, fire!

What about that money?

Oh, apparently, Mr. Fielding has an automated teller card and an active

imagination.

So, it's your word against his, and little old me has to decide who to

If I could perhaps be of some help in this regard... Yes, yes, Mr. Wood. I

your grandfather was on the Supreme Court. You were first in your class at

Harvard. And you donate one -third of your pre -tax earnings to Chad.

Since his honor seems to be so familiar with my personal history, it seems only

fair to know something of Mr. Fielding.

Send them in.

These are the dates that he has had.

in this past week alone.

He met them at a place he frequents known as the Sticky Wiki.

Your Honor, Mr. Fielding is not on trial here. He has the right to socialize

with whomever or whatever he chooses.

Who do you think you are, pencil neck?

I happen to be a judge.

Well, Judge Pencil Neck, when you were at law school, did the term credibility

of the witness ever come up?

It might have.

Because that's what Mr. Wood is trying to establish here. There may be evidence

that Mr.

Fielding is untrustworthy if he lied to those women to get what he wanted from

them. He'd never lie.

I'm still trying to figure out why you keep jumper cables in your nightstand.

Well, gentlemen, this has been an illuminating experience.

Now, while the case against Mr. Wood appears to be weak, there is sufficient

evidence to warrant continuing a disbarment investigation.

What?

Yes!

He who laughs last laughs first.

Begin disbarment hearings.

Against Dan Fielding.